Message in a Bottle

Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiancé and I are getting married in two weeks and I am freaking out. A few nights ago he went to a bachelor party that his best man had arranged. They did the bar thing and apparently ended up at a party. The next day he had a text message and from the content it was obviously from a girl he had met at the party. I asked him about it and he said I had nothing to worry about. I AM worried. I am worried that he did something that he regrets and isn’t being truthful. If he did anything other than have drinks with his friends, I don’t want to marry him. What do I do now? He acts like nothing is wrong and I am about to make a huge commitment! Please answer this.
Anne, SANTA BARBARA




Dear Anne,
Many things in life are driven by faith. Faith in the unseen is paramount to our experience as a human-which is why we can marry in the first place. If we couldn’t believe in vows, there would be no point to committing to a marriage. We like to believe what we say and what we hear is written in stone. In a very uncertain existence the reliability of another human being smooths the inevitable rough spots and provides a necessary respite from all that we can not control.

When an event or a moment shakes that stability, it is like a stone breaking through a pristine window. Ever try to glue together a window broken? Crazy! It never looks right again and the only solution is getting a new window. However, relationships are not like windows. It is easy to get a new one, but the old one, the broken one is the one we want. When a relationship has broken glass around, be it a little crack or a giant gaping hole, no one is feeling sheltered and safe anymore.

All kinds of thoughts can rush in and make havoc of a once peaceful existence. So does knowing the truth really set you free? Do you already have the truth but still can’t believe it? If he isn’t telling you the whole story, is the deceit to protect you or to protect him? They say that love is blind, and sometimes love is blind to doing the right thing.

Conjecture is not viable here and will only lead to your mind going in circles. Therefore, he needs to tell all -without any thought as to the consequences of his disclosure. You get to decide if “it is nothing to worry about” since there is more than one way to read truth into “nothing to worry about”. (Think Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky). What you hear- may or may not be within your comfort zone (read values) and that is all that really matters. Maybe he was 3 sheets to the wind and gave a girl his phone number in front of the guys as a joke. Not a good joke and immature, but probably within your comfort zone. Or he might have done something that definitely is a deal-breaker. Consequences for actions will always find a way to show up and it is better to work through this now while you can.

After listening with no interruptions, if what you hear sounds fine, but you still are worried check in with yourself. If previously, there has never been anything to question with this man, I would venture that his perceived action is just a trigger for something that is hidden in you. Definitely something to ponder, but it could wait until after the honeymoon.

Darling Anne, Boys and Girls, Trust is the rock on which relationships are built to last. Nothing else is as important. Therefore, putting any decision on hold is perfectly reasonable, even a wedding - especially a wedding!

Have a naughty day!