Dear Miss Kitty,
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
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Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
To trust or not to trust
Dear Miss Kitty,
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Words are cheap
Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and every now and then he gets very frosty towards me. The next day he tells me that it was nothing I did, it was something from his past. He then forgets about it and wants me to do the same. At first I could, but now it has happened enough times to make me think if he really cared about me he would do more than just telling me it wasn't my fault and saying sorry. Other than this our relationship is great, but if he keeps doing this I will probably get fed up and leave and he won't even know why!
T.K. SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
The “Curse of the Lottery” is without a doubt a highly strange phenomenon. Why are there are more than a few examples of lottery winners that go from hero to zero? When we are gifted something incredible are we more likely to squander it away? Or was the inclination to ruin good fortune buried like treasure from the devil-just waiting for an opportunity to show up?
A common topic at dinner parties, first dates and traffic delays on the 101, is to discuss just what one might do with a fortuitous financial windfall- like winning the lottery. It is an equally common discussion to sketch out the perfect relationship. In fact there are more entries on Match.com from perspective Mr. Rights threatening to treat a lady like a lady (whatever that means) then there is factual information on beverage preferences. So when someone, against all odds has a great relationship, why do they so easily lose sight of keeping it great?
Are too many of us like the lottery winner that rips through millions of dollars on wine, women and song and ends up dead in the trunk of some disgruntled second cousins old Ford truck? Is it really that much trouble to make it right when you have made it wrong? In other words, what do baby birds and “I’m sorry” have in common? They are both cheap-cheap-cheap.
Putting it in print and perspective, it is relatively difficult to have a meaningful, stable, and loving relationship. There I have said it. No sugar coating here folks, it is hard and seems to get more difficult all the time. Therefore if one actually has come across such rare wonder, one does need to go the distance after a faux pas of any kind.
Darling T, Boys and Girls, when your sweetie or anyone important to you, causes emotional harm, ask for what you would like to make it better. Give up on the expectation that anyone (except for me) can read your mind and tell them what you need from them. We are not going for punishment here, unless that’s your idea of making amends, we are going for somewhere special or a loving token like flowers or beer, along- side an extra warm and honest “I am sorry”.
Two things are likely to happen. 1. He or she will think a bit harder before making the original sin again and 2. You will be able to return to normal a bit faster. Remember this, everything is an opportunity to show you care and everything is an opportunity to show you don’t.
Have a naughty day!
My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and every now and then he gets very frosty towards me. The next day he tells me that it was nothing I did, it was something from his past. He then forgets about it and wants me to do the same. At first I could, but now it has happened enough times to make me think if he really cared about me he would do more than just telling me it wasn't my fault and saying sorry. Other than this our relationship is great, but if he keeps doing this I will probably get fed up and leave and he won't even know why!
T.K. SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
The “Curse of the Lottery” is without a doubt a highly strange phenomenon. Why are there are more than a few examples of lottery winners that go from hero to zero? When we are gifted something incredible are we more likely to squander it away? Or was the inclination to ruin good fortune buried like treasure from the devil-just waiting for an opportunity to show up?
A common topic at dinner parties, first dates and traffic delays on the 101, is to discuss just what one might do with a fortuitous financial windfall- like winning the lottery. It is an equally common discussion to sketch out the perfect relationship. In fact there are more entries on Match.com from perspective Mr. Rights threatening to treat a lady like a lady (whatever that means) then there is factual information on beverage preferences. So when someone, against all odds has a great relationship, why do they so easily lose sight of keeping it great?
Are too many of us like the lottery winner that rips through millions of dollars on wine, women and song and ends up dead in the trunk of some disgruntled second cousins old Ford truck? Is it really that much trouble to make it right when you have made it wrong? In other words, what do baby birds and “I’m sorry” have in common? They are both cheap-cheap-cheap.
Putting it in print and perspective, it is relatively difficult to have a meaningful, stable, and loving relationship. There I have said it. No sugar coating here folks, it is hard and seems to get more difficult all the time. Therefore if one actually has come across such rare wonder, one does need to go the distance after a faux pas of any kind.
Darling T, Boys and Girls, when your sweetie or anyone important to you, causes emotional harm, ask for what you would like to make it better. Give up on the expectation that anyone (except for me) can read your mind and tell them what you need from them. We are not going for punishment here, unless that’s your idea of making amends, we are going for somewhere special or a loving token like flowers or beer, along- side an extra warm and honest “I am sorry”.
Two things are likely to happen. 1. He or she will think a bit harder before making the original sin again and 2. You will be able to return to normal a bit faster. Remember this, everything is an opportunity to show you care and everything is an opportunity to show you don’t.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Meeting the parents
Dear Miss Kitty,
Next week I am going out of state to meet my bf's parents for the first time. I am afraid that I won't know how to react to them. A functioning family that has all its pieces put together is something that is about as foreign to me as speaking Swahili. I grew up with no family but myself and I do not know how to let people love me. I have amazing manners and I know they will like me, but I have NO clue how to accept any of it. It's really stressful thinking about all of this and I want this to be the happy experience it should be. How can I just get over it?
-Not alone anymore
Dear Not Alone,
“Meet the parents” conjures up as much insecurity as Bubba’s Burger’s opening day in the heart of downtown Bangladesh. Bubba would like to “get over” that he just sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars in a place where cows are worshipped off the bun, but that isn’t going to happen. Truth is, no one gets over anything. We do however, have the potential to work our way though and into a better reality. And hopefully for Bubba- a better location analysis the next time around.
When the “Dynamic Duo” (and we are not talking Batman and Robin here) are on the immediate horizon, fantasy expectations are supersized along with the ghostly residue of whatever we lacked in the fragile years before adulthood. I can do a great New York Jewish mother accent here and tell you (while painfully pinching your cheek): “Just be yourself-they will love you!!! What’s not to love?” But even through your giggles, I think something more substantial is needed to get you though this rite of passage.
Presenting our sweetheart to The Folk’s means we are asking for their blessing and our sweetheart gets a heads up about possible future in-laws. Anyone can pretend - and they will - that this time honored introduction doesn’t carry much weight, but they would be grossly misinformed. It is an all-out nod for approval in all directions. Therefore it is no wonder that it can cause more than a slight tummy upset.
And speaking of approval, there is no such thing as a perfectly functioning family. Every family has the side they need to world to see, and the not so warm and fuzzy bits they hide away. Like the extensive collection of life-like dolls that are squirreled away after a heads-up that “the new girl” has a thing about life-like dolls. The reality on meeting “the parents” is very much like the reality of a first date. There isn’t much of one. Usually everyone, including the potted plant you bring for a hostess gift, will be on his or her best behavior, which is really covering up the true anxiety, big or small that everyone will be feeling. See how much you have in common all ready?
You also said, “I do not know how to let people love me.” I think you do since you have a BF that obviously thinks so much of you he wants to “take you home to mom and dad.” You have let him love you and where there is one let in, there will be more. But let me ease your stress level just a bit: You don’t need for them to love you, and liking you would be nice but even that is optional – not necessary. Regardless, as you said yourself, it is taken care of. “I have amazing manners and I know they will like me.” Continuing to confidently believe that will go a long way toward making it your reality.
Darling Not, Boys, and Girls, Leonardo da Vinci is quoted as saying, “Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is first known”. With that comforting thought in mind, pack the more conservative of your clothes, the aforementioned potted plant, and just be the charming self your BF fell in love with.
Have a naughty day!
Next week I am going out of state to meet my bf's parents for the first time. I am afraid that I won't know how to react to them. A functioning family that has all its pieces put together is something that is about as foreign to me as speaking Swahili. I grew up with no family but myself and I do not know how to let people love me. I have amazing manners and I know they will like me, but I have NO clue how to accept any of it. It's really stressful thinking about all of this and I want this to be the happy experience it should be. How can I just get over it?
-Not alone anymore
Dear Not Alone,
“Meet the parents” conjures up as much insecurity as Bubba’s Burger’s opening day in the heart of downtown Bangladesh. Bubba would like to “get over” that he just sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars in a place where cows are worshipped off the bun, but that isn’t going to happen. Truth is, no one gets over anything. We do however, have the potential to work our way though and into a better reality. And hopefully for Bubba- a better location analysis the next time around.
When the “Dynamic Duo” (and we are not talking Batman and Robin here) are on the immediate horizon, fantasy expectations are supersized along with the ghostly residue of whatever we lacked in the fragile years before adulthood. I can do a great New York Jewish mother accent here and tell you (while painfully pinching your cheek): “Just be yourself-they will love you!!! What’s not to love?” But even through your giggles, I think something more substantial is needed to get you though this rite of passage.
Presenting our sweetheart to The Folk’s means we are asking for their blessing and our sweetheart gets a heads up about possible future in-laws. Anyone can pretend - and they will - that this time honored introduction doesn’t carry much weight, but they would be grossly misinformed. It is an all-out nod for approval in all directions. Therefore it is no wonder that it can cause more than a slight tummy upset.
And speaking of approval, there is no such thing as a perfectly functioning family. Every family has the side they need to world to see, and the not so warm and fuzzy bits they hide away. Like the extensive collection of life-like dolls that are squirreled away after a heads-up that “the new girl” has a thing about life-like dolls. The reality on meeting “the parents” is very much like the reality of a first date. There isn’t much of one. Usually everyone, including the potted plant you bring for a hostess gift, will be on his or her best behavior, which is really covering up the true anxiety, big or small that everyone will be feeling. See how much you have in common all ready?
You also said, “I do not know how to let people love me.” I think you do since you have a BF that obviously thinks so much of you he wants to “take you home to mom and dad.” You have let him love you and where there is one let in, there will be more. But let me ease your stress level just a bit: You don’t need for them to love you, and liking you would be nice but even that is optional – not necessary. Regardless, as you said yourself, it is taken care of. “I have amazing manners and I know they will like me.” Continuing to confidently believe that will go a long way toward making it your reality.
Darling Not, Boys, and Girls, Leonardo da Vinci is quoted as saying, “Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is first known”. With that comforting thought in mind, pack the more conservative of your clothes, the aforementioned potted plant, and just be the charming self your BF fell in love with.
Have a naughty day!
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