Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been married for 11 years. Other than the fact that we are friends and we are there for each other in most ways, it is fairly lackluster. I never thought a marriage could be much more so I was reasonably happy. Recently I have met a woman through a class at Adult Ed and we have so much more in common than my wife and I do. Is it terrible to realize this? Am I a rat bastard for even thinking about wanting something better for myself? As you write so much about honesty, am I being "honest" by staying with my wife or leaving her?
J, SANTA BARBARA
Dear J,
According to Wikipedia, curiosity is an emotion related to natural inquisitive behavior. Wikipedia also says that apes, cats, fish, reptiles, even insects have been observed exhibiting “curiosity”. In my observations of life and romance, creatures do not marry, but rat-bastards can and do. Rats, even when sparked into life by “someone” a bit sparkly do not get to throw another’s life into turmoil as easily as throwing a clay pot on a wheel at Adult Ed!
Honesty is being in-line with pre-set values that have been established after the somewhat laborious task of searching within the self to ascertain the highest level of integrity, i.e. the highest good is realized. Does this mean one is always honest as the day is long? Not necessarily. Sometimes the highest good is in being kind. For example telling a small child that they shouldn’t give up their day job in favor of making MORE painted rocks isn’t nice. It certainly could be true, but in the context of that little scenario, nice trumps truth.
Exploring and implementing values is a lot like playing cards. Depending on the hand dealt, one must wisely decide what to put into play in order to win. The definition of winning is leaving this planet better than you found it and leaving it better than the planet found you.
So, if compassion is the Queen of Hearts than Honesty is certainly the King of Diamonds. It takes quite a man or woman to balance what is honest and what is right. The sudden inspiration that someone else has better cards than we do or contemplating just what a stacked deck might look like can be intriguing. However, that intrigue is really a messenger for something bigger and much more important. A catalyst for change certainly, but not the whole card game. Not even the card table.
Darling J, Boys and Girls, once a commitment has been made, that particular commitment is written in stone. If one is not happy within the commitment, one needs to embrace what can be done to make it work. Making it work might mean moving on, changing what isn’t good into something that is or realizing and appreciating what is. In a nutshell, without doing a whole lot of work first, you would indeed be a rat-bastard.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, June 26, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Message in a Bottle
Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiancé and I are getting married in two weeks and I am freaking out. A few nights ago he went to a bachelor party that his best man had arranged. They did the bar thing and apparently ended up at a party. The next day he had a text message and from the content it was obviously from a girl he had met at the party. I asked him about it and he said I had nothing to worry about. I AM worried. I am worried that he did something that he regrets and isn’t being truthful. If he did anything other than have drinks with his friends, I don’t want to marry him. What do I do now? He acts like nothing is wrong and I am about to make a huge commitment! Please answer this.
Anne, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Anne,
Many things in life are driven by faith. Faith in the unseen is paramount to our experience as a human-which is why we can marry in the first place. If we couldn’t believe in vows, there would be no point to committing to a marriage. We like to believe what we say and what we hear is written in stone. In a very uncertain existence the reliability of another human being smooths the inevitable rough spots and provides a necessary respite from all that we can not control.
When an event or a moment shakes that stability, it is like a stone breaking through a pristine window. Ever try to glue together a window broken? Crazy! It never looks right again and the only solution is getting a new window. However, relationships are not like windows. It is easy to get a new one, but the old one, the broken one is the one we want. When a relationship has broken glass around, be it a little crack or a giant gaping hole, no one is feeling sheltered and safe anymore.
All kinds of thoughts can rush in and make havoc of a once peaceful existence. So does knowing the truth really set you free? Do you already have the truth but still can’t believe it? If he isn’t telling you the whole story, is the deceit to protect you or to protect him? They say that love is blind, and sometimes love is blind to doing the right thing.
Conjecture is not viable here and will only lead to your mind going in circles. Therefore, he needs to tell all -without any thought as to the consequences of his disclosure. You get to decide if “it is nothing to worry about” since there is more than one way to read truth into “nothing to worry about”. (Think Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky). What you hear- may or may not be within your comfort zone (read values) and that is all that really matters. Maybe he was 3 sheets to the wind and gave a girl his phone number in front of the guys as a joke. Not a good joke and immature, but probably within your comfort zone. Or he might have done something that definitely is a deal-breaker. Consequences for actions will always find a way to show up and it is better to work through this now while you can.
After listening with no interruptions, if what you hear sounds fine, but you still are worried check in with yourself. If previously, there has never been anything to question with this man, I would venture that his perceived action is just a trigger for something that is hidden in you. Definitely something to ponder, but it could wait until after the honeymoon.
Darling Anne, Boys and Girls, Trust is the rock on which relationships are built to last. Nothing else is as important. Therefore, putting any decision on hold is perfectly reasonable, even a wedding - especially a wedding!
Have a naughty day!
My fiancé and I are getting married in two weeks and I am freaking out. A few nights ago he went to a bachelor party that his best man had arranged. They did the bar thing and apparently ended up at a party. The next day he had a text message and from the content it was obviously from a girl he had met at the party. I asked him about it and he said I had nothing to worry about. I AM worried. I am worried that he did something that he regrets and isn’t being truthful. If he did anything other than have drinks with his friends, I don’t want to marry him. What do I do now? He acts like nothing is wrong and I am about to make a huge commitment! Please answer this.
Anne, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Anne,
Many things in life are driven by faith. Faith in the unseen is paramount to our experience as a human-which is why we can marry in the first place. If we couldn’t believe in vows, there would be no point to committing to a marriage. We like to believe what we say and what we hear is written in stone. In a very uncertain existence the reliability of another human being smooths the inevitable rough spots and provides a necessary respite from all that we can not control.
When an event or a moment shakes that stability, it is like a stone breaking through a pristine window. Ever try to glue together a window broken? Crazy! It never looks right again and the only solution is getting a new window. However, relationships are not like windows. It is easy to get a new one, but the old one, the broken one is the one we want. When a relationship has broken glass around, be it a little crack or a giant gaping hole, no one is feeling sheltered and safe anymore.
All kinds of thoughts can rush in and make havoc of a once peaceful existence. So does knowing the truth really set you free? Do you already have the truth but still can’t believe it? If he isn’t telling you the whole story, is the deceit to protect you or to protect him? They say that love is blind, and sometimes love is blind to doing the right thing.
Conjecture is not viable here and will only lead to your mind going in circles. Therefore, he needs to tell all -without any thought as to the consequences of his disclosure. You get to decide if “it is nothing to worry about” since there is more than one way to read truth into “nothing to worry about”. (Think Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky). What you hear- may or may not be within your comfort zone (read values) and that is all that really matters. Maybe he was 3 sheets to the wind and gave a girl his phone number in front of the guys as a joke. Not a good joke and immature, but probably within your comfort zone. Or he might have done something that definitely is a deal-breaker. Consequences for actions will always find a way to show up and it is better to work through this now while you can.
After listening with no interruptions, if what you hear sounds fine, but you still are worried check in with yourself. If previously, there has never been anything to question with this man, I would venture that his perceived action is just a trigger for something that is hidden in you. Definitely something to ponder, but it could wait until after the honeymoon.
Darling Anne, Boys and Girls, Trust is the rock on which relationships are built to last. Nothing else is as important. Therefore, putting any decision on hold is perfectly reasonable, even a wedding - especially a wedding!
Have a naughty day!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Getting There Faster by Slowing Down
Dear Miss Kitty,
I woke up before the dawn today, and was busy working on a problem at my computer. Suddenly I noticed that morning had come and it was light out. I wondered if life is a lot like that. You start life and without really noticing what is happening, around you things change, then, suddenly you realize that life is not the way it was. Like while working on the computer I did not notice the dawn. Maybe we go about our lives not taking the time to notice all the subtle but important changes in our surroundings. The big changes we notice, for sure, but when you add up the important changes those are not the big ones- they are the tiny ones, little day by day things, that really matter. Like a goodnight kiss.
Thanks for listening, Ron, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Ron,
Home is where the heart is, a man’s home is his castle and where would we be without home sweet home? Home, where we can let down our hair and unwind, is hopefully where we are our most unguarded and therefore real selves. So if our physical home - the structure made of wood, concrete or brick - is where we feel we can be our most authentic self, why is it that within this most safe of places, we are often still struggling to be truly authentic? If we are not able to notice the dawn, our beloved - or even ourselves – just where are we living?
Is our inner foundation as solid as the one we walk upon? Are the rooms within the mind clutter free? Is the internal house easily maintained or riddled with rats? When we clean up the chaos and scramble to put the hodgepodge of life’s lessons in place, are we doing it because company is on the way or to feel that we are truly in control? After all, appearances do matter and we are judged by what others see.
Within a relationship, would you let your partner see your inner “house”? If not in a relationship, are you ready for someone to see your “house” as it really is? Is the floor plan open and easy to navigate? Are there so many skeletons in your closets that at any moment an aged and cracked femur might slip out and trip someone? Do you have any monsters under your bed, ready to scare the daylights out of someone dear who comes across it?
How we construct, decorate and use our “home” tells us volumes about where we are as a person - and therefore what will be reflected back to us in our relationships. As Ron said above, it is about the little things. It is knowing that you can always find what you are looking for because you have made a place for each value that you hold dear. It means what you are being within your mind is the same as what you show to the rest of the world. Pure congruence and clean as a whistle, regardless of company present or a day spent solo.
As a bricks and mortar home needs maintenance to stay safe and secure, so does the internal mansion. It needs conscious adjustment from time to time and a focused peace in which to do so. Without the clutter that is so many people’s everyday mental minefield, there can be the ability to just sit and appreciate not only the dawn but all the things that become precious when given a bit of attention.
Darling Ron, Boys and Girls, be it dawn, dusk or the still of midnight; knowing that your inner house is in order (not just “company clean”) gives you the gift of being able to calmly notice the important things. That is what it takes - and nothing less. When the mind is full of confusion and debris there is nowhere to sit down, nowhere to walk, without tripping - and certainly it is no place for anyone special to be invited over to!
Does this mean that we are going for a Better Homes and Gardens showplace at all times? Never! It is expected that as we do our internal work there may be a big mess to deal with. Clinical order or the illusion of tidy does not mean “clean”. Like the mess that comes with cooking a great dinner for twelve, with patience, a really good mop, and good hard work, the kitchen floor can always be found.
Have a naughty day!
I woke up before the dawn today, and was busy working on a problem at my computer. Suddenly I noticed that morning had come and it was light out. I wondered if life is a lot like that. You start life and without really noticing what is happening, around you things change, then, suddenly you realize that life is not the way it was. Like while working on the computer I did not notice the dawn. Maybe we go about our lives not taking the time to notice all the subtle but important changes in our surroundings. The big changes we notice, for sure, but when you add up the important changes those are not the big ones- they are the tiny ones, little day by day things, that really matter. Like a goodnight kiss.
Thanks for listening, Ron, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Ron,
Home is where the heart is, a man’s home is his castle and where would we be without home sweet home? Home, where we can let down our hair and unwind, is hopefully where we are our most unguarded and therefore real selves. So if our physical home - the structure made of wood, concrete or brick - is where we feel we can be our most authentic self, why is it that within this most safe of places, we are often still struggling to be truly authentic? If we are not able to notice the dawn, our beloved - or even ourselves – just where are we living?
Is our inner foundation as solid as the one we walk upon? Are the rooms within the mind clutter free? Is the internal house easily maintained or riddled with rats? When we clean up the chaos and scramble to put the hodgepodge of life’s lessons in place, are we doing it because company is on the way or to feel that we are truly in control? After all, appearances do matter and we are judged by what others see.
Within a relationship, would you let your partner see your inner “house”? If not in a relationship, are you ready for someone to see your “house” as it really is? Is the floor plan open and easy to navigate? Are there so many skeletons in your closets that at any moment an aged and cracked femur might slip out and trip someone? Do you have any monsters under your bed, ready to scare the daylights out of someone dear who comes across it?
How we construct, decorate and use our “home” tells us volumes about where we are as a person - and therefore what will be reflected back to us in our relationships. As Ron said above, it is about the little things. It is knowing that you can always find what you are looking for because you have made a place for each value that you hold dear. It means what you are being within your mind is the same as what you show to the rest of the world. Pure congruence and clean as a whistle, regardless of company present or a day spent solo.
As a bricks and mortar home needs maintenance to stay safe and secure, so does the internal mansion. It needs conscious adjustment from time to time and a focused peace in which to do so. Without the clutter that is so many people’s everyday mental minefield, there can be the ability to just sit and appreciate not only the dawn but all the things that become precious when given a bit of attention.
Darling Ron, Boys and Girls, be it dawn, dusk or the still of midnight; knowing that your inner house is in order (not just “company clean”) gives you the gift of being able to calmly notice the important things. That is what it takes - and nothing less. When the mind is full of confusion and debris there is nowhere to sit down, nowhere to walk, without tripping - and certainly it is no place for anyone special to be invited over to!
Does this mean that we are going for a Better Homes and Gardens showplace at all times? Never! It is expected that as we do our internal work there may be a big mess to deal with. Clinical order or the illusion of tidy does not mean “clean”. Like the mess that comes with cooking a great dinner for twelve, with patience, a really good mop, and good hard work, the kitchen floor can always be found.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Here You Are - Where Am I?
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I have been together for many years. As much as I like our relationship I am becoming aware that I don’t really know myself anymore. I know what “we” like, but not me. How do I find me again without threatening my husband’s feelings?
BR, Santa Barbara
Dear BR,
Deep within the complex web that is a relationship it is easy to become lost. The self can fade away to the point where even others confuse whom they spoke with. As together as a “we” can be, the reality is that we are separate individuals. Our goals, dreams and morals, as similar as they may be to a partner’s, are ultimately ours alone. Time apart and personal differences are not only what we need, it is what we require to be together happily ever after.
So what do we do when a life changing moment or a radical realization within our relationship changes our sense of who we are or whom we are with? The gradual feeling that our identity has merged beyond recognition into an “us” instead of a “you and me” can feel like dancing solo in a ballroom filled with couples - and not knowing the steps.
Knowing how to follow the bread crumbs home again is crucial. The wise know that the easiest way back is when holding hands. The time to get closer is actually when one is feeling the most apart and lost. Although being close instinctively feels like one could lose even more of one’s sense of self - this is never the case. By being close and risking intimacy - which encourages all-important trust - we allow the mutual communication and support to assist us in finding the way to where our own choices and desires are clear.
Our identity is born with as many factors as there are influences around our cradle. When we are old enough to realize whom is around - and just as importantly - who isn’t, we begin to set the stones of who we will be. Later on, it’s the people we allow to share our bed that are our mirrors; sometimes as distorted as those in a fun house. Finally, it is the ones that stand around our grave that we have influenced.
It is nothing less than the hardest of jobs to figure out what makes us tick and then make sure we like the sound of it. It is difficult to travel within the subtle layers of pleasing one’s partner and pleasing the self, while at the same time making sure we live in congruence with our determined values. The definitions of “selfish” will become blurred, as we re-think what we need to feel content. For a while, it will feel uncomfortable to think of the self first. For a while it will seem unfamiliar and wrong – even painful. But because you are finding yourself again, within the arms of another, it will eventually become very right and appreciated by the both of you.
No one is more attractive and lovable than when they are filled with joy, purpose, and truly know whom they are.
Have a naughty day!
My husband and I have been together for many years. As much as I like our relationship I am becoming aware that I don’t really know myself anymore. I know what “we” like, but not me. How do I find me again without threatening my husband’s feelings?
BR, Santa Barbara
Dear BR,
Deep within the complex web that is a relationship it is easy to become lost. The self can fade away to the point where even others confuse whom they spoke with. As together as a “we” can be, the reality is that we are separate individuals. Our goals, dreams and morals, as similar as they may be to a partner’s, are ultimately ours alone. Time apart and personal differences are not only what we need, it is what we require to be together happily ever after.
So what do we do when a life changing moment or a radical realization within our relationship changes our sense of who we are or whom we are with? The gradual feeling that our identity has merged beyond recognition into an “us” instead of a “you and me” can feel like dancing solo in a ballroom filled with couples - and not knowing the steps.
Knowing how to follow the bread crumbs home again is crucial. The wise know that the easiest way back is when holding hands. The time to get closer is actually when one is feeling the most apart and lost. Although being close instinctively feels like one could lose even more of one’s sense of self - this is never the case. By being close and risking intimacy - which encourages all-important trust - we allow the mutual communication and support to assist us in finding the way to where our own choices and desires are clear.
Our identity is born with as many factors as there are influences around our cradle. When we are old enough to realize whom is around - and just as importantly - who isn’t, we begin to set the stones of who we will be. Later on, it’s the people we allow to share our bed that are our mirrors; sometimes as distorted as those in a fun house. Finally, it is the ones that stand around our grave that we have influenced.
It is nothing less than the hardest of jobs to figure out what makes us tick and then make sure we like the sound of it. It is difficult to travel within the subtle layers of pleasing one’s partner and pleasing the self, while at the same time making sure we live in congruence with our determined values. The definitions of “selfish” will become blurred, as we re-think what we need to feel content. For a while, it will feel uncomfortable to think of the self first. For a while it will seem unfamiliar and wrong – even painful. But because you are finding yourself again, within the arms of another, it will eventually become very right and appreciated by the both of you.
No one is more attractive and lovable than when they are filled with joy, purpose, and truly know whom they are.
Have a naughty day!
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