Nothing to fear by staying clear

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am in my 20’s and it seems impossible to just spend time with someone of the opposite sex without it trying to turn into a sexual relationship. It always turns into something and that causes problems. Is it just not possible for men and women to be just friends? Seriously, just friends.
K. P, SANTA BARBARA


Dear K,
Secrets are for surprise birthday parties, professional spies and superheroes. Yet secret agendas seem to be impossible to avoid when it comes to dating. The overpowering leverage to be a couple - and only a couple so help you God - is imposed upon by society like nobody’s business. Predisposed to populate doesn’t help matters either. “Just friends” is where the expression between a rock and a hard place got its start. In fact, “Just friends” may be the only cliché with some clout as it does seem that it is extraordinarily difficult for men and women to avoid the pitfall of our culture and chemistry and just be friends.

What does it take for the lurking force driving away the simple pleasure of pure friendship, to back off? Why can’t we rein in daydreams and fantasy and hormones in favor of something a lot more authentic and maybe a lot better? Since body parts are not detachable could we learn to detach from them at least for the sake of friendship?

Considering the agenda fairy has a life time supply of free triple espresso’s and gets paid by the couple police, “just friends” takes a lot of work. The requirement of utmost honesty at all times is a must. That means not only being honest with your friend but equally honest with the self. It means no jealousy allowed when your friend is dating. It means having a serious mental check in about personal values when slipping into dreamy reverie over the possibilities of your friend’s cleavage.

Does that mean that to be friends both need to be charter members of Club Androgynous? Only slightly, because to be fair, playing the temptress with a buddy is just plain mean. This rule goes for him as well. If you wouldn’t give your golf buddies a massage, then no massage for Ms. Buddy either. Forget about the movies, where ‘one crazy night” can be smoothed over or blamed on the Tequila taste-testing. In real life, that crazy night will carry enough weight to topple the friendship right off its fragile perch. Avoiding uncomfortable situations and sticking to a prescribed set of values is a hard core requisite if “only friends” is going to a chance.

Ultimately, it means having a heightened sense of awareness regarding all the unseen and unsaid “rules” that we as men and women tend to live by. For example, a man buying dinner may not be rationalized because he is a man, he has more money or he “really” wants to. Buying someone dinner, on a regular basis can initiate the perception of dating and that means “dating protocol” will be evoked by one or both parties. In other words, a slippery slope into confusion as to what the relationship really is. Remember this. The agenda fairy can smell the plastic wafting up from a VISA slapped down on the bill from a nice Italian dinner like no one else.

One way to avoid instant confusion is to instigate Dutch Treat. As much as Dutch Treat sounds like an adult film shot on location in Amsterdam, or something you might find on a stick in Solvang; it really means an outing or date in which each person pays his or her own expenses. The term dates from about 1870 so even way back when girls and boys were having trouble.

Darling K and Boys and Girls, the road to relationship hell is paved with unclear expectations and lack of well defined rules as to what each person wants from the other person. The good news is that it is easy to re-pave (with plenty of glitter) the way to gratifying and authentic relating, either as great friends or lovers, with transparent communication of intent and sticking with integrity to values that are consistent with that intent. As Johnny C. said during the OJ defense, there is nothing to fear by staying clear!
Have a naughty day!

The man that would love me forever

Dear Rocketman,

It has been a very long time since I have written to you. I am sure the DS readers won’t mind and the question about Viagra can wait until next week. With that being said I never knew that life would bring me the challenges it has and never expected anything but bliss in being married to you. Thinking that our experience together would be a life of soul searching conversations, shadow puppet hilarity and the kind of romance I had only dreamt about-was both sweet and very naïve.

What I didn’t truly grasp until this past year, is that the depth of a relationship is measured in far more than its promises and good -willed intentions. A relationship is measured by how those promises and good intentions are delivered on a daily basis. I learned that anything less- is less than you or I is willing to live with. And for that, I am very grateful.

One of the greatest gifts that I now claim is that I know without any doubt, that I am with a man that loves me for me. You have proven to me that my trust, my respect, my love are worthy of fighting for-you did and continue to do so. And for that, I am very grateful.

I also know that I am deeply committed to following my values, even when the road would be easier, without them. I know that I put my spiritual tenants above empty and obvious happiness. I know that I do not hide, I am not weak and I am proud of being the wife I am. And for that, I am very grateful.

A life long dream was to find a man that would love me forever, be as honest as I am, and embrace our partnership as a fine and beautiful expression of being human. With the glamour of girlish romance now stripped away for good, I believe that I can recognize you as that man. And for that, I am very grateful.

All my love,

Miss Kitty