Dear Miss Kitty,
Thanks to your inspiring column last week. After 3 years of thinking about it, I decided to start on-line dating. After reading though hundreds of profiles, I wonder how many white lies are scattered between the nice walks on the beach and the obligatory tuxedo shot? Also if someone is searching for a sf 30-40, even though I am a very young (really) 42, they won’t find me. How do you work around the constraints?
Finally Seeking Satisfaction
Dear Seeking Satisfaction,
Remember back to the elementary school playground….can you recall that most haunting of refrains? “What you say is what you are!”. Let me be the first to tell you, after all these years, it’s true. We really are who we say we are - but is anybody really listening when we tell them? In the case of digesting profiles for potential dating consumption, how do you know that someone is who they say they are? Most everyone tells you exactly who they are right up front, whether they realize it or not. The trick is in believing your inner voice, before the voice is drowned out by your chemical reactions and wishful thinking.
Actions may speak volumes, but current choices are on display within a date or two - like the whole DVD collection instead of a single episode. (Nice to be able to re-play a scene over and over until you get it). Anyone that tells you a habit is on the way out or they are in a “transition” phase is, unless they are a molting bird, is really saying, this is who I am. Believe them. In other words, trying to quit smoking is still smoking, and where there is smoke there is fire.
Learning anything worthwhile and getting good at it, takes practice; and on-line dating is no exception. It takes a keen eye to read between the lines, or is it lies? Part of the white lie problem isn’t so much that would-be daters are psycho-lying-hounds-of-deception; the problem is working around the search parameters.
Since there are less professional writers than there are would be daters, sites make it easier by offering set choices while filling in personal profile information. For example, there are about five body types to choose from, none of which resemble most would-be daters. Boys and Girls, they are a guideline only, but choosing the closest to your real type is generally the idea. “Athletic” generally means more muscle on display than fat, and in the blue states, “curvy” generally is code for silicone, although not always…and that is just one of the questions!
Filters are set up to weed through and making searching easier, and there lies (pun intended) the temptation to work the system. A few less years, children or pounds are not uncommon to run across - all gentle attempts to widen the net as to appeal to more potential e-daters.
Is this lying? Miss K, hates, detests and spits up fur balls over lying - however, when trying to out-maneuver software, there isn’t always anywhere else to go. Good rule of thumb is if you are working the system to make the system work better for you, tell it like it is as soon as possible and explain why! Your newest partner just may be a partner in profile crime, confess the few extra years, and be the love of your life. In other words, there is only so much a profile can convey and what you read may not be all it seems, but not necessarily bad. Internet dating is only the first step in getting to know someone. It is a virtual dating playground, with its own rules, which you can learn. But eventually the playground must have some concrete to stand on with face-to-face conversation, so that you can have all your feelers out reading between, above and below the lines of communication.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, September 28, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Defense, offense, and when to make a play!
Dear Miss Kitty,
I was married for 19 years, and recently became single. The last time I was dating, personal ads were for the people that couldn’t get a date. I hear times have changed, and I am open to Internet dating, but I wonder if it is safe and what is the best way to go about it?
Candy
Dear Candy:
It is currently in-vogue for people to say that there are only two things in the world: fear and love - and that everything emanates from one of these two factors. Common belief is widespread that fear-based decisions are as dreadful as a squirrel running out of lightly salted nuts mid-winter. For a wild thing in the forest, the only way to survive is on a steady diet of fear, and love will never, regardless of the cuteness factor, save your tail. So, if dating is indeed a jungle, when and where does it make sense to use fear - the instinctual part of us that saves our fluffy tail -when needed?
When we have narrowly escaped the confines of yet another mediocre relationship, or extricated ourselves from the long-term gallows of a big ticket learning experience, we find ourselves in the untamed and scary hunting wilderness once more. Dating protocol, like modern technology is a continuing evolving process. Not only do you have to know what you want before you start, be savvy enough to read between the match lines, and discerning enough to get out of dodge quickly, without catching your tail in the door if you want to make a swift getaway!
That being said, online dating is a blessing, not a curse as so many “new” daters, from the Dynasty era (Alexis Carrington, not Ming) might think. Once upon a time, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this” was considered a quasi-intellectual opening line. But just as big shoulder pads and Farah Fawcett hair will not get you the ohhhhh and ahhhhhs it once did, neither will using archaic, out-of-style dating techniques.
How we date gets the most improved in the last 20 years award from the Kitty in City “Annual improvements we can’t live without” contest. So, while humming Jenny’s phone number or singing along to The Cars vinyl, peruse the possibilities of dating online, along with the first part of the official MK “Guide to Keyboard Love” series, which débuts right now. This week we will concentrate on pictures, which seem to cause high levels of anxiety and since a picture says a thousand words, that’s a great place to start.
When painting the Mona Lisa, there were certainly a few moments when Mona was having a bad hair day. We don’t see that on the canvas, because Leonardo had the sense to take those days off and wait for things to improve. People posting pictures of them selves online are not always so wise. Perusing the online photo galleries, we run across the very dated (Farah Fawcett hair in 2007?), the slightly inappropriate (“here I am with Rico the stripper at my bachelorette party”) and the “my friends took this when I wasn’t looking, but I don’t have anything better and you should look beyond a picture anyway”…photos.
Within reason, looking beyond a picture is good advice. Professional models take hundreds of photos to get a few good ones, so it goes without saying that we mere mortals are doing pretty well if we get something with a digital camera on a local beach that doesn’t cause major embarrassment It takes practice to become really comfortable in front of the camera. Just ask Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. The most important aspect in this case, is a decent, current picture. It’s only fair - and that prospective web God or Goddess is going to know if you Photoshop your head onto Brad Pitt’s body or use the overly-costly senior pic from your “innocent” glory days. For you men, a montage of your “action man” lifestyle is not as appreciated as you might think, nor is you getting cozy with a previous lover (even if their face is blacked out) in the one “tux” shot you have. In fact, unless you really are James Bond, a tux shot is not necessary.
Pictures of your travels are interesting, but even smarter to use if you have actually been there, and it’s always good to limit the GQ poses, even if you are reclining in a Venetian gondola! Photos that only mothers can love, should be given the acid test from your true friends. It might be cute on mom’s Christmas cards, but to the cyber masses, it’s like garlic and a silver cross to Dracula.
For the ladies, only one yoga pose, one cat picture - and look like your self, not a victim of the cosmetics counter during Lancome free gift week. Chant after me: I am a beautiful goddess in my semi-natural state, I am a beautiful goddess in my semi-natural state. DO this 13 times and then have a no-fat fake-cream no-sugar latte on me.
Looking into the details of a picture can give crucial information. Ten pictures of you and Spot are a good indicator that spot takes pride in his place on your bed and ALWAYS will. Countless pictures of you with a beer in your hand and a Girls Gone Wild T-Shirt on will not elicit the kind of response that will lead you to the altar, if that is where you would like to be going. And speaking of altars, having clear intent about what you want to do in the big, wide world of dating is great - but so is the fun and interesting journey to finding just what that might be.
Stay tuned for next Friday’s gripping and informative Miss Kitty’s “Guide to Keyboard Love” chapter two: “What you think you want and what you really want”. Until then -
Have a naughty day!
I was married for 19 years, and recently became single. The last time I was dating, personal ads were for the people that couldn’t get a date. I hear times have changed, and I am open to Internet dating, but I wonder if it is safe and what is the best way to go about it?
Candy
Dear Candy:
It is currently in-vogue for people to say that there are only two things in the world: fear and love - and that everything emanates from one of these two factors. Common belief is widespread that fear-based decisions are as dreadful as a squirrel running out of lightly salted nuts mid-winter. For a wild thing in the forest, the only way to survive is on a steady diet of fear, and love will never, regardless of the cuteness factor, save your tail. So, if dating is indeed a jungle, when and where does it make sense to use fear - the instinctual part of us that saves our fluffy tail -when needed?
When we have narrowly escaped the confines of yet another mediocre relationship, or extricated ourselves from the long-term gallows of a big ticket learning experience, we find ourselves in the untamed and scary hunting wilderness once more. Dating protocol, like modern technology is a continuing evolving process. Not only do you have to know what you want before you start, be savvy enough to read between the match lines, and discerning enough to get out of dodge quickly, without catching your tail in the door if you want to make a swift getaway!
That being said, online dating is a blessing, not a curse as so many “new” daters, from the Dynasty era (Alexis Carrington, not Ming) might think. Once upon a time, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this” was considered a quasi-intellectual opening line. But just as big shoulder pads and Farah Fawcett hair will not get you the ohhhhh and ahhhhhs it once did, neither will using archaic, out-of-style dating techniques.
How we date gets the most improved in the last 20 years award from the Kitty in City “Annual improvements we can’t live without” contest. So, while humming Jenny’s phone number or singing along to The Cars vinyl, peruse the possibilities of dating online, along with the first part of the official MK “Guide to Keyboard Love” series, which débuts right now. This week we will concentrate on pictures, which seem to cause high levels of anxiety and since a picture says a thousand words, that’s a great place to start.
When painting the Mona Lisa, there were certainly a few moments when Mona was having a bad hair day. We don’t see that on the canvas, because Leonardo had the sense to take those days off and wait for things to improve. People posting pictures of them selves online are not always so wise. Perusing the online photo galleries, we run across the very dated (Farah Fawcett hair in 2007?), the slightly inappropriate (“here I am with Rico the stripper at my bachelorette party”) and the “my friends took this when I wasn’t looking, but I don’t have anything better and you should look beyond a picture anyway”…photos.
Within reason, looking beyond a picture is good advice. Professional models take hundreds of photos to get a few good ones, so it goes without saying that we mere mortals are doing pretty well if we get something with a digital camera on a local beach that doesn’t cause major embarrassment It takes practice to become really comfortable in front of the camera. Just ask Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. The most important aspect in this case, is a decent, current picture. It’s only fair - and that prospective web God or Goddess is going to know if you Photoshop your head onto Brad Pitt’s body or use the overly-costly senior pic from your “innocent” glory days. For you men, a montage of your “action man” lifestyle is not as appreciated as you might think, nor is you getting cozy with a previous lover (even if their face is blacked out) in the one “tux” shot you have. In fact, unless you really are James Bond, a tux shot is not necessary.
Pictures of your travels are interesting, but even smarter to use if you have actually been there, and it’s always good to limit the GQ poses, even if you are reclining in a Venetian gondola! Photos that only mothers can love, should be given the acid test from your true friends. It might be cute on mom’s Christmas cards, but to the cyber masses, it’s like garlic and a silver cross to Dracula.
For the ladies, only one yoga pose, one cat picture - and look like your self, not a victim of the cosmetics counter during Lancome free gift week. Chant after me: I am a beautiful goddess in my semi-natural state, I am a beautiful goddess in my semi-natural state. DO this 13 times and then have a no-fat fake-cream no-sugar latte on me.
Looking into the details of a picture can give crucial information. Ten pictures of you and Spot are a good indicator that spot takes pride in his place on your bed and ALWAYS will. Countless pictures of you with a beer in your hand and a Girls Gone Wild T-Shirt on will not elicit the kind of response that will lead you to the altar, if that is where you would like to be going. And speaking of altars, having clear intent about what you want to do in the big, wide world of dating is great - but so is the fun and interesting journey to finding just what that might be.
Stay tuned for next Friday’s gripping and informative Miss Kitty’s “Guide to Keyboard Love” chapter two: “What you think you want and what you really want”. Until then -
Have a naughty day!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Bodesatva on Elm Street and the lifeboat of deeper commitment
Dear Miss Kitty,
My GF and I just moved in together. I still love her but I don’t know if I am, “in love” with her. What happened? Why did it go away? I thought this was going to be so good and we could get even closer?
Scott K
When starting a new job; before we fill in a W-2 and drink that very first cup of company-provided java, we have a good idea of what to expect. The manual is in black, white, and ten point type. As a relationship changes and the comfortable wading pool of dating turns into the more substantial yet potentially dangerous ocean of deeper commitment, there is no manual - and the only lifeboat is the basic foundation that is the relationships core.
The dating self that you were (hopefully) was the real you, but now needs some adjustment for the new venue. That doesn’t mean that you yourself have changed, but it is only natural that the new situation is going to bring unfamiliar things up for the both of you. Does maintaining your own true self, your single self, mean that is the best way to be? Maybe the transition time of deepening a relationship is the perfect time to take your own self awareness to a better place. That being said, whether dipping your toes for the first, second or third time, transition takes mutual courage. A first class ticket (treat each other very well) on a very slow boat (it is going to take time) is the safest way to get to the best possible destination: a new level of togetherness.
Thinking that you are going to live well together, without some uncomfortable adjustments along the way, is like listening to Steely Dan’s “Bodesatva” and thinking you’re a Buddhist. It takes dedication and good old fashioned time to harvest the nourishment that is a life partnership. There is no magic time capsule to whisk you ahead of the things, both the big and small that will raise their sneaky little tentacles out of the inky deep and try to draw you - if not under - at least off course.
Pleasing your partner in the beginning belongs to the innocence of newness. Aspects of pleasing each other become a scary change when all of sudden those antique candelabras, once lit up for a romantic passion-filled night are now referred to as “set decoration from of Nightmare on Elm Street”. All of a sudden what goes where or relegating your “art” to the back of the garage can be like a big dose of chlorine in the otherwise tranquil pool. The very same pool that you have previously enjoyed floating in together in lazy indulgence with nothing more on your mind than the pleasure of a wicked afternoon and a sun setting on another day of bliss.
The now chemically treated pool just may have fumes that leave your eyes stinging and you feel you must sit a day or so out of the pool as to not turn your hair and your feelings green.
Darling Boys, Girls and Scott, “in love” is a fragile animal that doesn’t do well under stress, even good stress. Falling in love, that will o the wisp state of amazement is the precourser to real love. Then, “being in love” holds hand with love for awhile, but eventually the milk and cereal that is day-to-day life makes it difficult to capture that in-love feeling on a daily basis. It still comes and goes in little moments and sometimes for extended periods of time, but it never feels like it did in the beginning - and it isn’t going to anyone.
Being in love is part-and-parcel to the excitement, raging passion, and the willingness to put daily life on hold. You can’t put daily life on hold for long, or you run out of clean socks and milk for the cereal. If you think what you have is greater than what you don’t, and can understand the fragile nature of the in love state, you might want to spend the emotional sweat equity and work on this relationship. The best part is you can only become a better person for the learning you will do, and whether the fruits of your climbing up and out of the primal relationship swamp benefit you now or later, you will be a better human for the experience.
Have a naughty day!
My GF and I just moved in together. I still love her but I don’t know if I am, “in love” with her. What happened? Why did it go away? I thought this was going to be so good and we could get even closer?
Scott K
When starting a new job; before we fill in a W-2 and drink that very first cup of company-provided java, we have a good idea of what to expect. The manual is in black, white, and ten point type. As a relationship changes and the comfortable wading pool of dating turns into the more substantial yet potentially dangerous ocean of deeper commitment, there is no manual - and the only lifeboat is the basic foundation that is the relationships core.
The dating self that you were (hopefully) was the real you, but now needs some adjustment for the new venue. That doesn’t mean that you yourself have changed, but it is only natural that the new situation is going to bring unfamiliar things up for the both of you. Does maintaining your own true self, your single self, mean that is the best way to be? Maybe the transition time of deepening a relationship is the perfect time to take your own self awareness to a better place. That being said, whether dipping your toes for the first, second or third time, transition takes mutual courage. A first class ticket (treat each other very well) on a very slow boat (it is going to take time) is the safest way to get to the best possible destination: a new level of togetherness.
Thinking that you are going to live well together, without some uncomfortable adjustments along the way, is like listening to Steely Dan’s “Bodesatva” and thinking you’re a Buddhist. It takes dedication and good old fashioned time to harvest the nourishment that is a life partnership. There is no magic time capsule to whisk you ahead of the things, both the big and small that will raise their sneaky little tentacles out of the inky deep and try to draw you - if not under - at least off course.
Pleasing your partner in the beginning belongs to the innocence of newness. Aspects of pleasing each other become a scary change when all of sudden those antique candelabras, once lit up for a romantic passion-filled night are now referred to as “set decoration from of Nightmare on Elm Street”. All of a sudden what goes where or relegating your “art” to the back of the garage can be like a big dose of chlorine in the otherwise tranquil pool. The very same pool that you have previously enjoyed floating in together in lazy indulgence with nothing more on your mind than the pleasure of a wicked afternoon and a sun setting on another day of bliss.
The now chemically treated pool just may have fumes that leave your eyes stinging and you feel you must sit a day or so out of the pool as to not turn your hair and your feelings green.
Darling Boys, Girls and Scott, “in love” is a fragile animal that doesn’t do well under stress, even good stress. Falling in love, that will o the wisp state of amazement is the precourser to real love. Then, “being in love” holds hand with love for awhile, but eventually the milk and cereal that is day-to-day life makes it difficult to capture that in-love feeling on a daily basis. It still comes and goes in little moments and sometimes for extended periods of time, but it never feels like it did in the beginning - and it isn’t going to anyone.
Being in love is part-and-parcel to the excitement, raging passion, and the willingness to put daily life on hold. You can’t put daily life on hold for long, or you run out of clean socks and milk for the cereal. If you think what you have is greater than what you don’t, and can understand the fragile nature of the in love state, you might want to spend the emotional sweat equity and work on this relationship. The best part is you can only become a better person for the learning you will do, and whether the fruits of your climbing up and out of the primal relationship swamp benefit you now or later, you will be a better human for the experience.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, September 7, 2007
Miracle Grow and Getting Out
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He was very enthusiastic about the relationship when it was new, and although we don’t fight or argue he seems really bored. Do you think he is bored with me or the relationship?
Laura C.
Dear Laura,
Boredom is a lot like luck: we make our own. So first of all, lets take you out of the picture (don’t worry this is not permanent unless you want it to be). Let’s assume without you he has the same job, the same friends, and the same general pattern of daily life. Is he bored now? If you answered yes, the boredom factor belongs to him and him alone. If he can’t be bothered to water his lawn it is going to go brown and die - and there is no magic “miracle grow” named Laura that is going to help! If you think he wouldn’t be bored, then perhaps aspects of the relationship are making him feel like he needs to hold back what would be his “real” life because he is worried how that would impact you. Scared? Be brave and read on.
The best relationships that I have witnessed have something in common. The ability to accept the needs of the individual as well as the needs of the couple, in equal doses. Here is a test: encourage him to do something with his friends. No, you don’t get to go out with your friends on the same night. You stay home and indulge in something nice, but you stay in so he doesn’t have to think about what you are doing or why all of a sudden you are so amicable to his going out. Did I mention you are JUST fine with this? If the relationship is healthy you have nothing to lose and lots to gain. If one evening playing poker or a weekend fishing trip puts the swagger back in his step, you might be on to something.
When in the hot and sweaty or sweet and romantic clutches of new love, it is easy for everything to seem special. Even washing the dishes together by hand can easily turn into the adult version of Snow White and the 7 dwarfs… but after the three-month milestone something changes. It seems to change for most couples every 3 months for the first year, and if you are still together, every year of so after. We settle in and trade making pancakes naked (remember the syrup) and pillow talk that lasts till 4am for pizza and diet soda and lights out at 9:00pm. (And don’t think that early bedtime is set so you can rumple the sheets! Your bedtime – one of those basics of life that doesn’t take into account how much TLC a relationship really needs to thrive – often becomes another cause of a relationship’s erosion).
One of the things that makes the early days so exciting is that we are leaning all about our new “friend.” We haven’t heard the same story over again yet because there are so many stories to listen to. When we spend more and more time together, we have shared adventures to enjoy and replay over and over for mutual amusement. Bringing our daily lives back home to rehash at the end of the day is also fine for awhile, but even that doesn’t usually make the papers or doesn’t hold much in the way of interest all the way through dessert and coffee.
We all need to have adventures away from the cave and separately or we have nothing to bring back to the campfire to share. To not do so means we do not continue to grow and be the amazingly fascinating person that our lover became enthralled with months or years ago.
So darling Boys, Girls and Laura - to get a true meter reading on the boredom factor or any factor that is not positively affecting your relationship, use the “you go and play by yourself” test and see what happens. Remember: “Absence does make the heart grow fonder”. For you naughty readers that just threw in “out of sight out of mind”, that is another test - a very good one that can uncover the kind of relationship you don’t need.
Have a naughty day!
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He was very enthusiastic about the relationship when it was new, and although we don’t fight or argue he seems really bored. Do you think he is bored with me or the relationship?
Laura C.
Dear Laura,
Boredom is a lot like luck: we make our own. So first of all, lets take you out of the picture (don’t worry this is not permanent unless you want it to be). Let’s assume without you he has the same job, the same friends, and the same general pattern of daily life. Is he bored now? If you answered yes, the boredom factor belongs to him and him alone. If he can’t be bothered to water his lawn it is going to go brown and die - and there is no magic “miracle grow” named Laura that is going to help! If you think he wouldn’t be bored, then perhaps aspects of the relationship are making him feel like he needs to hold back what would be his “real” life because he is worried how that would impact you. Scared? Be brave and read on.
The best relationships that I have witnessed have something in common. The ability to accept the needs of the individual as well as the needs of the couple, in equal doses. Here is a test: encourage him to do something with his friends. No, you don’t get to go out with your friends on the same night. You stay home and indulge in something nice, but you stay in so he doesn’t have to think about what you are doing or why all of a sudden you are so amicable to his going out. Did I mention you are JUST fine with this? If the relationship is healthy you have nothing to lose and lots to gain. If one evening playing poker or a weekend fishing trip puts the swagger back in his step, you might be on to something.
When in the hot and sweaty or sweet and romantic clutches of new love, it is easy for everything to seem special. Even washing the dishes together by hand can easily turn into the adult version of Snow White and the 7 dwarfs… but after the three-month milestone something changes. It seems to change for most couples every 3 months for the first year, and if you are still together, every year of so after. We settle in and trade making pancakes naked (remember the syrup) and pillow talk that lasts till 4am for pizza and diet soda and lights out at 9:00pm. (And don’t think that early bedtime is set so you can rumple the sheets! Your bedtime – one of those basics of life that doesn’t take into account how much TLC a relationship really needs to thrive – often becomes another cause of a relationship’s erosion).
One of the things that makes the early days so exciting is that we are leaning all about our new “friend.” We haven’t heard the same story over again yet because there are so many stories to listen to. When we spend more and more time together, we have shared adventures to enjoy and replay over and over for mutual amusement. Bringing our daily lives back home to rehash at the end of the day is also fine for awhile, but even that doesn’t usually make the papers or doesn’t hold much in the way of interest all the way through dessert and coffee.
We all need to have adventures away from the cave and separately or we have nothing to bring back to the campfire to share. To not do so means we do not continue to grow and be the amazingly fascinating person that our lover became enthralled with months or years ago.
So darling Boys, Girls and Laura - to get a true meter reading on the boredom factor or any factor that is not positively affecting your relationship, use the “you go and play by yourself” test and see what happens. Remember: “Absence does make the heart grow fonder”. For you naughty readers that just threw in “out of sight out of mind”, that is another test - a very good one that can uncover the kind of relationship you don’t need.
Have a naughty day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)