Once a Wallet, Always a Wallet

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a wonderful woman who had just relocated to SB from an affluent area Our previous two dates had gone very well and I wanted to make a third dinner date with her. I offered two suggestions for our date which were more than adequate, but she wanted to “upgrade” my suggestions into the best place in town. I softly interjected that I reserved this place for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries etc. - this was met by silence on the phone for what seemed like an eternity.To her credit, she did back off and accepted a mutually agreed upon restaurant - however I ended up by canceling the date because I couldn’t get over the feeling that she was dating my wallet and not me. Please provide us girls and guys Miss Kitty’s appropriate protocol for do’s and don’ts on accepting dinner dates.
Not the Wallet - Santa Barbara



Dear NTW,
Congratulations on receiving one of the highly coveted Miss Kitty ‘Real Man of the Year” Awards! Sticking to your chosen code of values with integrity and staying solidly the authentic “You” - even though coerced by the intimidating silence of this “wonderful’ woman - is a critical male moment for you, worthy of receiving the RMY. Without significant self-torture or ceremony you remained steady and on-track, taking the high road of independence and self-rule. Your ultimate reward, of course, is that you are not stuck spending your time with a potential gold digger, a pushy broad, or someone who can manipulate you through as many doors as humanly possible. In other words, without any doubt, you dodged a bullet - and for that you can be grateful. As Michael French, Stylist to the Stars says: “Next!”

In this last week before the demanding year ends, tilting us towards the (hopefully) more benevolent 2009, let’s all take stock of where we are in the dating pool or in our current relationship, and make sure we are being as real as the red nose on Santa’s numero-uno sled puller. Oh wait….a luminous schnozz on a flying reindeer named Rudolph wouldn’t be real, would it? See how hard it can be to discern reality about someone? Therefore, since we can’t change others and using discernment spells went out with the Salem witch trials, how we choose to conduct ourselves when faced with the inevitable tests they throw at us, is the next best thing to a date that doesn’t order an entire rack of ribs on a first date. NTW, you passed “wonderful’s” eatery-selection test with flying colors, because your conduct stayed firmly aligned with your ideals.

In the last twenty years the accepted protocol of dating has changed dramatically. Dating by keyboard and cell phone, instead of rendezvousing by clicking ice in a smoky den of ill-repute, demands that the protocol of who (pays) and where (we eat) must be very clear. And since everyone is capable of wearing the pants and therefore has pockets- no one should assume that the man always needs a wallet.

Speaking of wallets, they are now as easily filled by men as by women. Imagine that! What makes modern dating confusing is that the equality aspect plays havoc with the hard wired instinct to be a chaser and a chasee. Which brings us back again to knowing your own mind. The rules of dating are easily mutable, but what your comfort level is, is not. Cindy can ask out Mike for dinner and a movie, now Mike must leave any expectation of a good night kiss at the bottom of the popcorn bag. How honorable it is, that in today’s world, the obligatory good night kiss is no longer bought and paid for in advance; or that by Mike taking Cindy to the Ritziest joint in town, he expects anything more than a kiss worthy of Taco Bell.

The basic rule of wallets is thus: If there is pleasure in the paying then by all means indulge. If there is trepidation or a feeling of being bought then pay your own way. A corollary to the rule of wallets is: If you are the askor, you should expect to pay – but in return, as askor you have first dibs on where you go to spend your hard-earned dough. By this corollary, NTW, an alternate response to “wonderful” could have been: “Sure, we can go to (insert upscale Santa Barbara restaurant here) – do you want me to drop you by the ATM before so you pick up some cash?

Because dating rules are no longer dressed up in a zoot suit with an overcoat of social convention, it is up to the individuals involved to decide what feels good and what is comfortable. A wealthy icon like Warren Buffet might prefer his beloved Dairy Queen to the Four Seasons – but he is comfortable enough in his own skin to know what he wants, and why. Any less-than-authentic testing woman would be completely off-base in trying to correlate Mr. Buffet’s taste in restaurants with the size of his wallet.

There can no longer be the expectation of anything therefore if someone does the asking they do the paying. If someone is a decent human being who understands give and take and is not a game-playing sponge-of-a-taker, they know enough to be gracious and accept the offering of a date as a gift. NTW and boys and girls, seek out those decent souls to spend your time with and money on. Avoid the rest like the plague. To put it in simple terms we all can understand, to parody Johnny Cochran: “If you don’t want to be sucked dry, then you must say good bye”!

Have a naughty day!

Under the Mistletoe

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been going out with my BF for 11 months. We have a great relationship, talk about the future and he acts like he loves me, but he has never said the magic words. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and all I really want is for him to say, “I love you.” Is this setting myself up or being true to myself?
Waiting under the Mistletoe



Dear Waiting:
When Christmas morning rolls around wouldn’t be amazing, if under the fragrant tree, there was a pile of beautifully wrapped, empty boxes. Silky ribbons lavishly tied around them, they contain the invisible, but vitally important presents that really matter to us. Detailed instructions included of course, to make sure we understand both the value and the implied messages that are inherent in such precious gifts. We un- wrap them in wonder, to discover the tangible manifestations of what we need - alongside the harder-to-pin-down aspects of ethereal wants.

Put “truth”, that most magnificent of all treasures right on the top of the pile, with all the tricky little accessories that come with it. The multitude of small parts that are so easy to lose, but necessary if the complex gift is going to work at full, honest capacity. If you are giving this priceless gift, you will need to purchase a guarantee for this one - and make sure it is a lifetime guarantee which covers parts and labor. Lots of labor, for it is a labor of love to maintain this valuable bequest, and keep track of those tiny little pieces that don’t always seem important until you find one of them missing.

The next box, wrapped up in silver paper with a deep blue velvet bow, just screaming, “Open me first!” is “Time”. The simple pleasure of more than a moment and less than a lifetime; the freeing satisfaction of having someone else do something special, just for you. When Miss K was a mere credit card-less kitten, scribbling away making homemade coupons for cups of tea and car washes, she never knew the value of what she was giving away. Now a grown up and perpetually busy cat, the idea of truly free time – time that is all yours - is on par with zero calorie cinnamon rolls. It’s always treasured to give of yourself, even if your tea-making skills would get you fired at the local Starbucks.

Wrapped in the most exquisite, but difficult to open box, “I love you” is the ultimate gift of no return and no exchange. You are not only giving of yourself, but making a commitment of never-ending work. And this is the best sort of work – a true labor of love. The Lego castle of love has endless pieces, instructions that are sometimes indecipherable and pending revision on most days, and when the castle gets stepped on by life, you have to put in the time and energy to put it back together again. When combined with the gift of truth and an unwavering commitment, sometimes the rebuild is even better and stronger than the original.

So darling Boys, Girls and Waiting, when shopping this holiday season, think about what your giving, not what your getting and head to the mall of the ultimate gifts - where price is no object and the payment plans are always reasonable. You can wrap up some truth, throw in some time and know that your gift is not only as good as it gets, but the recipient will think it is even more precious and treasured than you could have ever imagined.

Have a naughty holiday!

At the Bottom of the Waterfall

Dear Miss Kitty,
I was recently widowed and am thinking about dating. What is considered an appropriate time and how do I let my family know without any hurt feelings?
Looking ahead, Santa Barbara



Dear Looking,
When we have lived our life as a twosome, and now circumstance has turned us back into a solo act, the adjustments are far more profound than just getting one cup of tea ready in the morning instead of two. Side by sid, intense grief and pain there is also the unconscious awareness that life continues-and why should it be anything but as sweet as possible? Does anyone have a right to challenge someone’s happiness potential? I think not. There is no time like the present for joy; especially when one has just had breakfast in bed in bed with death.

What a strange world we are thrust into, a place of constant change and constant challenge. Just when it begins to make sense, something happens that forces us to work out our life all over again. If we are lucky we reevaluate our priorities- we make the sadness count for something. If someone has been married for most of their life and then looses that beloved, everything is new again. Including what is and isn’t the person that still has the earth suit on. Finding out just whom we really are, without a partner is a journey un to itself. It is no wonder that most of us will take the devil we know over the devil we don’t most of the time but during a time of need the familiar is longed for as never before. When the familiar is no longer available, do we have any choice but to walk bravely into the unknown?

Darling Looking, Boys and Girls, regardless of the timing, finding warmth and happiness in life is all that good family and real friends want for us. They understand that pain does not cancel out the need for love. Understanding the particular pain of loss is like knowing a really good recipe. You share your story, because we all have one, and hope that it will be of solace to others.

The continuum of human understanding dictates that what ever you need to do, will be understood. Anyone that truly loves you will know that you are not looking for a replacement or a distraction. You are looking for friendship, compassion and passion at a time when they will make a healthy difference as you enter this brave new world alone.

Anyone that can’t find a way to understand can be left alone for now. Your job is to take care of you. Your job is to gently go and explore where millions of men and women have gone before. Now, like the pond below a waterfall, where it is still and quiet, think about you and only you and begin to make sense of your new life.

Have a naughty day!

Letting a Rock be a Rock

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have a friendship with a woman that is platonic. Although we have been friends for years we have drifted apart. I don’t like the idea that we have just faded away from each other but the truth is there isn’t really anything there anymore. I feel like even though it isn’t a “relationship” a “break-up would be better than just doing nothing. Do you think it would be appropriate to break-up if you decide you are no longer interested in a friendship?
Just curious, Santa Barbara



Dear Just Curious,
Somewhere, in every home there is a junk drawer. A catch-all, not always easily closed, but a convenient place to put the simple remnants of life. Red rubber bands rub shoulders with faded souvenirs, receipts so old the IRS doesn’t want them and sample packages of dry cat food. There is nothing in these drawers that we can’t really live without, but because these items have been around for so long they now appear to have a claim of validity. Their sole reason for being is because they have been.

When it comes to lovers and friends, and one has determined the relationship is really an old rubber band, does one need a break-up to clear the field? Is it easier to let go of someone with a formal good-bye? Could a yearly pruning of the Christmas card list be sufficient?

Just as we collect objects we don’t really need, as life goes by - we also collect people. A few are absolutely necessary-they enable us to fulfill our dreams, wake our desires and enjoy life as nothing else can. Considering that a relationship warrants a particular ending implies that it was a relationship of consequence.

When a relationship no longer serves us, for what ever reason, is letting it fade into nothingness as an ending so bad? We humans just don’t like failure. We perceive that the closure of something is often the failure of something. Some relationships are just old habits and if there is nothing present of significance it should feel like nothing when the relationship has faded.

Pretend you are walking on a beach and a little stone of no particular interest takes your fancy. You pick it, turn it over in your palm and put it in your pocket. At the end of the day, while taking off your pants and finding the stone in your pocket, you place it by your bedside. The next morning, with more whim than thought you put the stone into your pocket again. You repeat this for weeks and then all of a sudden you can’t leave the house without the stone. This stone of no particular interest, gathered on a passing thought, now has significance.

So when we have nothing in common anymore, when our lives have pulled us in different directions, when we have changed beyond a relationship’s capacity to hold us, the relationship has become like the little stone. It is a friendship of mode, not of friends. This application applies not only to platonic friends but lovers too, that do not love anymore. Hard as it may be, the little stone is only that and letting it go, without ceremony is appropriate. It also means there is now room in your pocket or your life for something that isn’t just a habit.

Have a naughty day!

Love Me or Leave Me

Dear Miss Kitty,
Every time my boyfriend and I have an argument he says maybe we should just break up. I find this really strange since most of the time we get along extremely well. When he does this I feel panicky and wonder if he is really serious. Since I really don’t think he means it, should I bring up how much it bothers me or leave it alone?
Tina, Santa Barbara



Dear Tina,
With so many possible verbal options in the human experience why is it that to stay together or not to stay together so easily can become the default comment of many arguments? Is it really a smart game plan when a heated discussion about the possibility of new flooring isn’t going in the obvious direction? Is a sneaky plan B to solo status lurking not so far away? Could it just be a throw-back to the simpler days of childhood when running away, red wagon at the ready was a viable option-at least for a few hours? Are we really looking for a way out of the conversation, not the relationship and don’t know how to say so?

Words without actions of consequence are cheap and meaningless. Like a corset without laces, nothing will ever stay where it is supposed to. Whom ever wrote “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was a clinically diagnosed psychopath. Not someone to believe on any topic, least of all human behaviors. Words can and do hurt, and someone using an implied threat-is using power because that is all they think they can do. That someone isn’t feeling like they have choice, even though they certainly do.

The trick when hearing words, used as a weapon or a distraction, is to determine just what the words really mean while remaining as detached as possible. When one is in receipt of difficult comment, it can be hard to put an immediate reaction or desire to retaliate on hold. Could Mr. I -am –out- of -here-really just not have a better way to express what he is thinking and feeling?

It is impossible unless we are best friends with Miss Clair Voyant-French psychic extraordinaire- to guess why anyone does anything. Projecting our fears or own modus operandi will only serve to confuse us and point us in a useless direction. We use a process of elimination to determine why a baby is crying, and because there only a few option we can get it right fifty percent of the time. How hard can it be when a wet diaper, hunger or being picked up for a cuddle is the main event most of the time?

With all the variables that an adult could be feeling there nothing else that works better than –“what’s up doc?”

Darling Tina, Boys and Girls, time to get out the pink highlighters and get serious about you. If you can predict someone else’s behavior- you are into a game. You know it, they know and there is something about the game that works for you both. If you are ready to be real in your relationship here is Miss Kitty’s famous three-part solution when you are ready to stop playing the game. Look cute (not really necessary but always a good move), find a neutral zone and say-

A. “I have told you I don’t like this behavior”

B. “If you continue to do this-I will do X.”

C. Now kids, here is the hardest part, no matter how the begging, pleading, bribing or cajoling goes -you have to stick with what you said in B. Even if very large diamonds or an extremely lovely puppy shows up you may not under any circumstances go back on your word. If you do, nothing will ever change and you are saying loud and clear, that you aren’t ready for anything to be any different. Be very aware of what you decide B is going to be. Think it through, make sure you absolutely mean it and can carry it out to the letter. The letter B.

We are told truths in so many ways and finding out just what that truth is, takes a better listener than a talker. Ascertaining just what is being “said” is almost always uncovered by time, but there are also times when just cutting to the chase is the best solution. In a relationship NO one deserves being threatened or treated without compassion so when it does happen, it is serious and action needs to be taken right away. By they way, if you choose to say nothing you are telling your partner that their behavior is perfectly acceptable-is that what you want to do?

Have a naughty day!

Watching all the Girls Go By

Dear Miss Kitty,
I would like to know why women don’t smile back at me on the street when passing by. There is nothing suspect about my appearance. In fact, I have been told I am a good looking and nice guy to boot. Since when is a genuine smile confused with an invitation to cross the street as quickly as possible?
Snubbed in Santa Barbara



Dear Snubbed,
Your question has me very puzzled since you already know why you don’t get a smile back. But to indulge you- could it be because your smile isn’t really genuine? That is isn’t really a smile just for a smile’s sake? Are the curved lips for certain eyes only and not just a have-a–nice-day kind of smile for the masses?

Now if these are women that look the other way, already know you, then we have a different problem altogether - so let’s assume that these are women that you do not know and who do not know you. Snubbed, let’s face harsh reality: just because you would like to know them, based on a superficial scan across the street, it does not mean that they may have a similar interest in your mug, as friendly and charming as it may be.

If you have any success at all trying to make friends based on such premeditated superficiality, it will most likely lead to a very irrelevant relationship. On the other hand why shouldn’t the street be a place where you can pick someone up willy-nilly with nothing more than a grin? That was a trick question since I know that you know that the street is public place used for private reasons - like going from one place to another. A bar or coffee house is a different sort of place; a place where it becomes more appropriate to smile with the intent to engage someone’s attention.

Miss Kitty admires your attempt, but I am unsure of your true motive – the very one that you might not even be aware of as yet. For lurking in all of us, are unseen phantoms of want and will have. Here’s a way you can explore your concern. A test if you like. Go to a coffee place, book- store, even a supermarket and check out a woman who has “that certain something” that gives you “that certain feeling” and simply smile at her. DO NOT LEAR or look at her as though you’re undressing her. (Take the “who me?” look off your face and pay attention) Say something genuine… like, “Excuse me, I may be out of place, but I am drawn to you.”

Now here’s the tough part …prepare for any of the following...a face slap, a smile with no reply, the frosty-freezy look of a lifetime, or the infinitesimally-small probability that maybe she’ll turn and say: “your place or mine…I have ten minutes!!”

Ok, enough of the fantasy life … in all likelihood none of this will happen – you won’t have the courage to try the “I may be out of place” line and face the (potentially good or bad) consequences; and you will still go about your way and smile from across the street. If the planets align, MAYBE JUST ONCE SHE WILL SMILE BACK…as she walks right out of your life.

However, if you did actually decide to courageously be the genuine “you” in a smile-fest at the coffee shop, regardless of the outcome from her, you have made clear and positive changes to yourself. You will have empowered yourself by expanding your comfort zone - and increased your willingness to take more smiling risks with the opposite sex, regardless of the outcome. With each new smiling introduction, you’ll gain confidence and with each toothy experience you will feel more spontaneous and calm. In short, you will be developing the ability – through practice - to be genuine and simply the real you.

Darling Snubbed, Boys, and Girls, we all know that a smile from a confident, genuine person in an appropriate setting is a more open and inviting smile, than that flimsy grin coming from superficial passers-by, like two ships, one wrecked, on the busy sidewalk of life.

Have a naughty day!

P.S A big thank you to Ron the motor man and RM for their insightful views which greatly helped to answer Snubbed.

Shacking and Shaking Up

Dear Miss Kitty,
My BF and I moved in together a few months ago and now although I still love him, I think it was too soon to set up house together. We are both in our early 20’s. Do you think the relationship will survive if we go back to dating and living apart?
Betty R.



Dear Betty,
When it comes to relationships, sometimes an adjustment works and sometimes it is just putting off the inevitable. The real question is how to determine which is which? When we find ourselves feeling that our relationship choices (either the actual person or the current living configuration) aren’t working, does it mean that what we have- isn’t really what we wanted? When we jumped too far, too fast, can we go back to the beginning and try something different? Truth is always stranger than fiction, so could incompatibility really be a lucky break that allows the dodging of a future bullet like a get-away-car just outside the Chapel of Love?

Just because matching towels look cute and painting a room together can turn into a steamy scene in an R- rated movie, doesn’t mean living together is going to be an accurate test of a relationship’s future potential - and therefore living together is nothing to undertake lightly. Living together is not dating 24-7! Dating means seeing each other when it is convenient with all parties, and generally there is prior notice. Every part of life goes on hold while the date is on. Nice work if you can get it! Living together means you are available most of the time and real life never goes on hold. Part and parcel of living together is realizing the reality is it is what it is and it is pretty good most of the time.

Living with someone, married or not, takes more than just a desire to be together. It takes a sophisticated level of maturity on many levels. It means a lot of wholehearted compromise and adjustment. Depending on where you are in your life, priorities are something that need to be accurately clarified up front. Are you a night owl that needs a constant supply of night life? Is your book-worm partner really alright with that? The basics that come into play when living with someone are bound to rear up and want some attention as well. It is the nature of the beast. Little old things like bills, groceries, and laundry are going to push hot dates, lazy mornings and that devil-may-care attitude right out the window.

Does that mean that once you live together, fun is only for New Year’s Eve and every other birthday? Of course not! But it does mean that life now entails more than just a moment to moment existence which is all about fun. With all of that in the mix it isn’t surprising that shacking up shakes things up faster than a bartender making a drink for 007!

Darling Betty, and Boys and Girls, except for a few roller coasters, nothing comes to mind that goes backwards. Like the rising and setting of the sun, there are natural orders and that must be observed. Whether we like it or not, life moves in a forward progression. We flow in and out of experiences to benefit our continued understanding of the human experience.

There is everything right with making adjustments. We really need to be more comfortable and aware of correcting as we go along instead of waiting until a crisis forces us to change. Change made for crisis alone is impossible to sustain. Betty, moving apart generally doesn’t bring anyone closer - and before you take that step, know that it is never too late to talk things out and see what will make both of you happy in the short and long run.

Have a naughty day!

Uncle Ben and Throwing Rice

Dear Miss Kitty,
Last weekend I went to a wedding. A big, choreographed extravaganza done up in the trendy hues of chocolate and cream. The bride and groom, both in their 20’s seem in love and very happy. I was enjoying the day until the minister said, she should respect him and he should love her, since that is the way it is according to God. That doesn’t sound right to me. Why shouldn’t they both love and respect each other in equal measure? Since I consider your advice only second to God (LOL!), on the subject of relationships and romance, I am curious what you would say about this.
Karen, Santa Barbara



Dear Karen,
Get your tight jeans on and sing after me, “The only man that could ever reach me was the preacher man.” (We are changing the lyrics because the son is too young and inexperienced). So the preacher man, under the guise of wedding commissioner for the State of California was able to make you think? Good for him, good for you and how nice the wedding wasn’t all about “the party.”

Love and respect are like white rice and champagne. They go so well together in many situations. A lovely risotto and a chilled bottle can be quite the pair. But is rice, without champagne just as good? Can you skip the rice and still keep a clear head? When it comes to relationships, you can have respect without love, but never love, real love without respect. Just ask Uncle Ben.

Now put on your 1950’s floral apron and make me a sandwich! Why? Because I love you! Sometimes, something does get lost in translation, and marriage vows are no exception. Let’s put the preacher man’s experiment under the marriage microscope and see-close up just what he might have been thinking.

According to Scientific Wedding (free insert with Modern Bride, selected issues only), men are naturally drawn to a partner that has unwavering respect for a man’s path. Why? Because simply that is how men are wired. When that path is honored by a wife, without question (not many anyway) it tends to illicit admiration from the husband which in turn, manifests into love for the wife. Apparently respect begets love. Although this sounds like which came first the chicken or the egg, respect or the love, it has some validly. When someone respects us, it is easier to love them. Who can love someone, in a healthy fashion when there isn’t any respect?

Now let’s look into the other pot. Our bride needs love, and according to the theory, she gets it by respecting her partner. WHAT! Shouldn’t he love her because of whom she not what she can do for him? Shouldn’t his sense of man-self be so intact that he doesn’t need anyone to validate it? It may be hard to admit in the post bra burning era, but true none the less- men and women do value the same things, but in very different ways. Just like rice is good, steamed or all dolled up like an Italian movie star.

Not so long ago wedding vows asked men to love, honor and cherish, while women promised to love, honor and obey. Nothing wrong with obey. As long as you like what you are doing, which brings us right back to respect.

If we respect someone, it is easy to comply with their requests. It is a pleasure. So the literal meaning of vows becomes food for thought, not the actual dish. There is nothing a miss with modern vows or ancient marriage rites, they remind us of what we hold sacred. In reality, it all comes down to the daily way you love and respect your partner in word and deed. Nothing more and nothing less.

Have a naughty day!

Wonder Bread and Dating When Cooled

Dear Miss Kitty,
The time has come after a failed marriage and lengthy divorce to start dating. I am ready, willing but nervous. I really don’t want to make the same mistakes again. What if I am the loser my husband said I was? Is someone ready to date just because they want to?
Jill, Santa Barbara




Dear Jill,
If you switch out the word “dating” and place any sport in that spot, does it answer your question? Just because we want to ice-skate (secretly because of the pretty outfits), be a world-class golfer or set a record for best runner ever, doesn’t mean we have the skill set going in to be as successful as we would like or could be.

No one is born being absolutely incredible at anything. Hidden talents that seemly come with our DNA and eventually surface, are just that, talents. Most of the time we learn from others directly, indirectly and through as many sources as there are options.

But it seems when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, we drop the get-smart ball when great knowledge and education should be a natural goal. It can’t truly be from lack of motivation-a fulfilling love life tends to rate pretty high on the scale of life goals. So why do we choose to stay so ignorant? Apathy? Fear? Could it be the Wonder bread Complex?

Rarely mentioned but highly incorporated into our reality is The Wonder bread Complex. If you read the nutritional information on Wonder Bread along with any company promotional “facts,” you could believe that it is actually good for you. Anyone with a tiny amount of knowledge about nutrition knows that is not true. The complex named after the faux food item, and sometimes childish weapon, rears its pasty head when we erroneously believe that the most obvious is indeed correct. For example: Dating is natural. Love is natural. Sex is natural. Relationships are natural and therefore all the previously mentioned need no additional work or skills.

From the outside, it would appear that as soon as we find the RIGHT person, all will be well. Marriage stats confirm this is as nutty as peanut butter. Philosophy guru’s post 1960 claim that a positive attitude is all you need to have love-love-love. Applying anything resembling a quick cure is as sensible as believing breakfast in a can is as good as the real thing.

Like all pursuits of worth, great sex, great dating and excellent relationships start with believing in the self. Truly, deeply, madly believing with no doubts that we are lovable, valuable and consistently so. Valuable enough to continually get lots of accurate knowledge on the subject. Having any doubt in such a direction is a recipe for disaster. Can you fake it till you make it while dating? Can dating bolster the necessary sense of self-worth? Answer me this Batman? Can you frost a cake while it is baking? Didn’t think so.

Darling Jill, Boys and Girls, it is only possible to frost a cake when it is ready and that means, baked and cooled. If you jump the gun you end up with a messy cake and counter and have to start over again. Just ask Martha Stewart. Dating is an honorable pursuit. You can find out a lot about yourself, have fun (what a concept) and perhaps meet someone wonderful. On the other hand, dating when one is not ready can lead to something far worse than frosting in your hair.

Example: a relationship that is a copy-cat of the one you just left. A relationship out of convenience, loneliness, or security. Increased disillusionment about the self. If one is comfortable with the self, one doesn’t need anyone to “complete” them. Therefore being as complete as possible and that does not mean perfect, is actually necessary après dating.

There are endless tomes of dating “wisdom”; tricks to get a date, what to say and what to wear. How to “make” another person find you fabulous and fascinating! Now sit up and really pay attention! In fact, highlight this part in pink. If you have done your work and now find that you really are quite wonderful you won’t need any tricks. If you are using “tricks”, the reality is you are not being you. If you want someone to love you for yourself, how can pretending anything even if it is for a “good cause” make sense. I won’t lie, if you use tricks you will draw others to you. You will THINK you are a successful dater. There is a reason that the “life of a party” is surrounded by people. But are they people that the “life” really wants to spend time with? In the long and if you can bare to acknowledge it short run?

Harsh but true, if you haven’t done your work, the smoke screen will blow away and leave you naked the first time something goes wrong. Back to the person that is hiding underneath the “great date persona”. The one that is still covering up the real self from a lack of confidence. The one that is not yet ready to date for some very good reasons. What does this all mean? It means, go on a date with you, several in fact and see if you really are ready.

Have a naughty day!

Red, White and The Blues

Dear Miss Kitty,
My long term girl friend and I have come to the place where, although we still care for each other, we are feeling perhaps we have taken this relationship as far as it can go. It’s got to be one of the hardest decisions I have made in a long time because I am not so sure that I might not find that later on in life, I made a bad choice and should have worked through the discontent. We have both looked at this for a while and it isn’t getting any clearer. We would both welcome any clarity you can provide with open arms.
William, Santa Barbara



Dear William,
No one playing the dirty game of politics is immune to the daily tabloid’s sleazy tall tales designed to “inform” their readers of the important shortcomings of candidates for public office. Accolades, experience and commendations aside, it tends to be the negative (real or imagined) that drives our political choices. As usual, the fear factor is recklessly driving our thoughts – and therefore our reality - over the speed limit for negativity, right past what we want into what we do not want. Is it any different when faced with the vexing challenge of whether to impeach a relationship or not? Could we be content with “most excellent” relationship poll results and still want something more? Can someone “work” for us and yet not be “The One” - and therefore be worth risking who-knows-what? When it comes to choosing Presidents or life partners, there is always more choice on the line than one could ever imagine. And the results of those choices, like an iceberg’s true depth, are hiding deep and unseen within the murky future.

Regardless of the way the wind is blowing the flag, there is the good, the bad and the ugly contained in all relationships. There is no one that is perfectly in tune with their main constituent and had a 100% approval rating at all times. A good choice for an effective relationship statesperson is someone that operates with congruence. The die-hard basic principal of clean living and high standards in all things goes a long way toward effective leadership. Everyone wants to be on the ticket with a thoughtful person who lives on high moral ground. The big difference between voting for daily safety and daily hotness is where “in love” and “love” show their true colors.

Like the perfect government, both benevolent compassion and flag-waving patriotic pride need to be in play for a relationship to work on a global scale. People, like politicians, are not fully interchangeable, regardless of their male or female status, or experience in foreign affairs. In other words, whatever isn’t working now has the potential - but won’t necessarily - show up in the next relationship. As a result, we should be very cautious of what we wish for when we say we want “Change”.

That being noted, wondrous well articulated campaign speeches only go so far as any man or woman that has been taxed by a smooth and slick sweet-talker can tell you. What happened in the past is only as good as the lessons that have been learned and implemented today. As far as experience goes, it’s what you do with it in the now that counts, not what you say you will do. It is frightening to make a decision when the future is unclear, but as that great states-alien Yoda would say, “Decide you will.”

If any choice made between partners invokes feelings of loss of what could have been, jubilation about potential, and clarity about the important next steps, one comes to the strange but true realization that there is no wrong choice. Just temporary thoughts, feelings and actions that will lead into a future that no one can predict.

Darling William, and Boys and Girls, we are not the sum of all that is. Egos set well aside, relationship choices - like votes - become clear when we make them for the good of something better than we could ever imagine or believe possible. Not from the place of what isn’t happening, is negative, or is bad for us. Not out of fear of loss that we are making a mistake that can’t ever be corrected if need be. So are our choices one-way mirrors looking right at us? As sure as Miss Kitty is a write-in Presidential candidate on your ballot come November! It comes down to uplifting our relationships, and our politics, up to where they belong: into the land of the truly free and not the home of the slave.

By the way, if you want a “Vote for Miss Kitty! Uplift America - one bra at a time” bumper sticker, pop by Purrmission Lingerie and pick one up while supplies last. Look out, McBama – Miss Kitty is hitting the campaign trail to educate America on her Uplifting Bra Experience platform! (Thanks Rocketman for the edit of a lifetime!)

Have a naughty day!

Digging in the Dirt

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I had a few problems a while back and I just can’t seem to get over it. I am worried that if I don’t drop it she will become frustrated with me and then we will have more to deal with. The truth is I am not over it and as badly as I would like to be, I know it is influencing our relationship. For the record I am not usually someone that holds on to things and we have been married a LONG time. I absolutely love this woman and want to do the right thing. Can you advise?
Jerry, Santa Barbara





Dear Jerry,
It is part and parcel of a relationship to have confrontations and episodes of conflict. Our partner can be the best mirror possible, reflecting back to us a life journey that is a deeply rewarding experience. That being said, it isn’t all fun and games - and sometimes, when playing a particularly destabilizing version of the game of “Life”, it can take a while to get back on good old terra firma.

Hopefully, the little things - like leaving the toilet seat in various positions - are not keeping anyone up at night. When a big issue has made itself known however, it can take significant time to get back to “normal”. Why is it so difficult to get back to “normal”? Because where you were and how you were as a couple in the past is never going to be available to you again. Every experience changes us in some way, and the only thing that truly never changes is our experiences keep changing.

Sometimes we can feel and see the change and more often then not, the change goes into stealth mode: hard to detect without a bit of cloak and dagger recon into our past. So is it possible to ever completely resolve an issue? Even when the issue is no longer an issue, does it need lots of sugar on a regular basis to continue to be “gone?” When it comes to letting things go, just exactly what are we left holding on to?

Letting something truly go means understanding that the original problem is not the only thing that is going to take work and time to reflect upon. Not only was the original conflict put into play, but anything and everything from the past that became activated is game-on as well. Like a pin-ball machine gone haywire, all that is unresolved lights up, makes a lot of noise and causes us to “tilt” in confusion. It is becomes hard to relate to the original problem when it literally is no longer the source of the discord. In fact, it never was. Think of it as retro-active and long-forgotten anger, sadness, or frustrations - now brought back into living color without a whole lot of notice.

Darling Jerry, and Boys and Girls, if a persistent problem does not feel nicely tucked up in bed, ready for sleep and sweet dreams, it is going to need a really big glass of warm milk and a lot of cookies to get some much needed rest. Homemade cookies that take as much time as they need to become golden, and no complaints from anyone about all the crumbs. In other words, as wonderful as it is to live in the moment and embrace our existence with our loving partner it is equally part of the entire experience to wrestle with the darker side of being in a relationship, and making our peace with that little fact of life.

Have a naughty day!

Family Matters

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I have been married for 32 years. We have a lot of couple friends and spend time with them on a regular basis. My life has taken a turn in a specific direction and I really don’t want to spend so much of my time with other people. I am not anti-social at all, it’s just some of the friends I feel I have nothing in common with. (Some of them are friends from the kid’s pre-school days!) I would rather not be as involved, but my wife thinks I am being very rude. I know she reads your column, so since she can’t hear anything from me on the subject, I thought she might be willing to read it from you.
Brian L, SANTA BARBARA



Dear Brian,
That we are our brother’s keeper seems to take on a myriad of definitions when it comes to relationship protocol. Because we sit both on the observation deck and in the captains chair, it hard to sit still when our partners indulge in past times or people that we would sooner pass by. Is it fair to always be on-board when it comes to another’s decisions? Is where we are as a couple ever the same thing as where we are alone? Just where is the balance when it comes to honestly pleasing thy self and thy partner?

Time outranks new puppies, perfect coffee and has even diamonds on the run. It is the top of the food chain, the heap and really is the whole enchilada. There is nothing more precious, because time is the only thing we actually own and its availability is fixed as nothing else. Therefore, when it comes to protecting this commodity- extraordinaire it is reasonable to go to an extreme to do so? It is only when our needs are being held in the not- valid- file that such lengths become a possibility? As in everything else, relationships are best served when individual needs are in balance with the whole.

Humans do not appear to be fixed in either likes or dislikes. Our experimental nature may be tempered with maturity but our desire to evolve should never be extinguished because another human being doesn’t choose to be where we wish to go. It is the actions that manifest changes that give us not only plenty of food for thought, but an opportunity for a better relationship reality. As any city-slicker who has been faced with a partner inclined to be a bit Grizzly like knows, there is a good reason that the expression is “happy camper.”

Darling Brian, Boys and Girls- as it is fair that a partner should be open to getting to know the new us, it is fair that we give them the chance to do so. The open- ended willingness to let a partner be themselves isn’t always as easy as it seems. Protecting and changing life priorities isn’t selfish- but not being willing to adjust to them is. There can fear in watching a partner make changes. Could they possibly out grow us? Could we become no longer interesting or fit into a new way of living? When what we have always known becomes threatened, it is easy to become defensive and hold the line no-matter-what.

Relax. It is said that change is as good as a rest and the change within the self is always going to have an impact in a close and loving personal relationship. It is the impact of the adjustment that really tells the story. A relationship that wants longevity must have the ability to roll with the punches that life throws, and the ones that are generated within the relationship are no exception. Partners that encourage each other to be their best and happiest selves have the best and happiest relationships.

Have a naughty day!

Holding Hands Without a Sunset

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife is going through a very trying time right now. Family illness, work, our oldest leaving for college, you name it; it all seems to be happening. Actually, things have been pretty rough for her most of this year. My question is at what point do my needs count? I feel like I am a jerk if I need anything from her, and she is so quick to lash out at me, I am walking on the proverbial egg shells. Please don’t suggest counseling, I have gone and it didn’t make a difference. Anything else up those lacey sleeves of yours?
Adam, Santa Barbara



Dear Adam,
After the sesame noodles have been eaten and the Mu Shu devoured, there is a lovely little moment (in the hour before we get hungry again) when the fortune cookies are delivered to the satisfied diners. With keen anticipation, fingers reach out for their post-meal fate, with either a hesitant pause or a quick grab of impulsive decision. Without further ceremony, the crunchy crescents are eagerly cracked open to deliver a free bit-o-wisdom. It is doubtful that anyone lives or dies for the lucky numbers or the message of the moment, but most of us do take a minute to think about what it could mean. More accurately, we find a way to make our fortune fit, because what apparently makes sense to us has validity - and therefore has value.

When we sign up to love, honor, and be-there-no matter-what, we better mean it. It makes no difference if we choose to do so in a formal legal ceremony or within the structure of a personal agreement. Being there for another person through it all is a gi-normous undertaking. Consciously making such a choice is one of the things that make humans so humane. But when it comes to being supportive of a loved one, does it make sense to promise what you don’t know you can deliver? Could it be that love isn’t always enough? Is everything we’ve got everything we should give? Being there, no-matter-what does not mean being taken for granted. “Being there” for someone, like everything else, needs some definition, manners and rules of conduct.

Hardship of all kinds is very fair in its distribution. Like Coca-Cola it is available in every country and is a stranger to no one. We can rightly assume that everything between death and taxes will show up over the years, but what we can’t always fathom is how the unknown will be received by our partner. We are not born with the skill set to help us manage high levels of emotional upheaval in ourselves, but it is something hopefully we choose to learn. When we are suddenly cast as the back-up vocals to the one with a spot light upon them, especially if the show is running for a long time, it is difficult to keep a happy tune going when the diva is distraught.

Being available to someone, in the way that they need is a great skill and harder to do then surfing in marshmallow cream. It may look easy when a professional does it, but for most of us mere mortals it is hard to stay up when the ground is soft, sticky and unstable. It is almost impossible when the support appears to be or is unappreciated. Regardless of how tough it can be during times of trial, real love is enough. That does not mean that deep and painful feelings will disappear with a hug and a kiss. Only little boo-boo’s are soothed so easily. But knowing that before the nasty patch showed up, someone was there - and will continue to be there during and after - is a kind of embrace that is like no other. The trouble is, it takes the partner, within the middle of the storm, to recognize the level of love that is being given and not just take for granted.

Darling Adam, Boys and Girls, there are some things that a partner, as loving and supportive as they can be, can not do for another person. That is where the self must step in and sing not only alone, but a capella. Sometimes there is no music and all is silent except for a single inner voice raised to ask its questions, scream its anger and then find its own notes of peace.

Have a naughty day!

Ma Cherie Amour and the Boy Next Door

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met my BF’s parents and sister last week. They seem so much like my family and I felt completely at home. I have wondered if this was “the one” and now I am sure. Before I met “the family”, I wasn’t completely sold, but based on how his family acted around me, now I feel I can really trust him. One of my friends said that you don’t marry the family you marry the guy, but it seems like if the family is o.k., he should be too. Do you think so?
Kaili S.




Dear Kaili,
The longer one lives the more it seems like the world works in less mysterious ways than one would think. So it isn’t surprising to find that when it comes to finding a suitable life partner there is, more often than not, a definite pattern to follow for happiness. If we start out within an emotionally stable family, it would appear that the best partner for us is the one that easily fits in with our family of origin. So what happens when we start on our merry way to find this possible partner? Why are there so many well-intentioned opportunities that lead us astray? Why is it with an infallible DNA blueprint to follow we lose our way so easily? Why is it that so many relationships end up stuck within the layers of disappointment and confusion when it all seemed so easy at the beginning?

When an American finds herself in Paris, the seductive tones of a fresh croissant are only second to the knowing tones of a Maurice Chevalier. Ma Cherie is an intoxicating elixir all so easy to wash down with a flute of champagne and a complete loss of normal function! A top of the morning to you from the pouty lips of an Irish lass while serving up a cup of coffee is something a bit more interesting than the usual American “have a nice day”. And when in Rome? Need I say more?

It is something amazing to note that when in Rome, or New York or Tunisia the voice that is the path less traveled has a power to pull us right off track! Are we concluding that all relationships are best suited by finding a mate who shares the same background and social engineering? Not on your Yenta. When one is entranced with something “a bit different”, be it an accent, a way of doing most things, or a complete 180 degrees away from everything you know, a valuable lesson is that you take… it…. slowly. Why? You’re hard-wired senses, allowing you to sniff out what is safe and what is not, are going to work a little harder than usual.

But what happens when you meet up with the proverbial boy or girl next door? Should that be piece of wedding cake? Does simply growing up in the traditional nuclear family with mom, dad and a sibling or two in a nice house with a white picket fence mean that finding someone else with the same nuclear upbringing and white picket fence brings instant compatibility? There is more to who we are than what can be seen on the surface, and unfortunately it is harder to go slowly when what we feel in another and their kin is familiar. Nuclear can just as easily mean an explosive atomic melt-down as a warm and cozy family atmosphere if you’re not careful.

They say that familiarity breeds contempt, but familiarity is more likely to lull us into a sense of comfort, when security is the last thing that is actually available. No one needs a PhD to be able look as they wish to appear. A pretty car, home or family is just that - and nothing more until one spends the time to see what is really there.

Darling Kaili, Boys and Girls, it takes experience to know how to read another person, let alone a relationship. It takes wisdom to separate reality from what we so desperately want to be and it takes strength to hold back until we are sure. Just because the family “feels” right, doesn’t mean they are or they are not. If the comfort level with the BF wasn’t there until the family showed up, means in some way you still are unsure - and that is all you need to pay attention to right now. When we trust our judgment, and not our illusions, we are likely to land steady on our feet, regardless of how far over our heels our head presently is.

Have a naughty day!

Second Chances, Taking Risks and Frosting on the Cake

Dear Miss Kitty,
A few weeks ago, I wrote to you and confessed that I had cheated on my boyfriend. Your advice was to tell him the truth and “face the music”. After that, he wrote to you, and you suggested to him that what to do next was all his decision and I had to just take it. Well, he dumped me. Of course I now know (a little too late) that he was planning to propose later this summer and so I am writing to you from a friends place (I have had to move out) and have never felt so horrible in my life. I have to start my life over again without my best friend. I know he still loves me so why didn’t you tell him to give me another chance? People can change and they do it when they know that they have really messed up!
Ashley, Santa Barbara



Dear Ashley,
Deep in the mysterious cavern of regret, hoards of “should haves” and “could haves” live side by side in the murky yellowish grey vapor. There is no temperature control here and there is no rest for the wicked. Tossing and turning with remorse and self pity, it is easy to ask for second, third, even fourth chances. But isn’t asking forgiveness a cheap trick in light of the work you really need to do? Doesn’t pleading for another opportunity to “get it right” put the onus on the innocent one for all you have brought into play? Is it even reasonable to think anyone would want to help? If there was a completely honest assessment of this situation, asking for anything would be the last thing on your mind.

If there is real understanding and TRUE remorse in moral terms, it is possible with time, that the outcome could be different. The often-used prettily packaged and highly processed version of morals won’t work here. It might with a lesser individual within a relationship that is shaky on a regular basis, but only with a person that knows their own value - a person whose character is mature – does being the “real deal” have a glimmer of a chance. That takes time, maybe more time than he is willing to give you - but any time will be well spent for your own personal growth and your next relationship.

Darling Boys, Girls and Ashley, knowing truth for the first time is a daunting process. It can shake you to your very core with it’s gentle but demanding ideals. It is finding and claiming the deepest personal part of your very self. It is a bone-deep sense of right and wrong that never wavers. In the beginning it is harder to walk this road then to swear off jelly doughnuts forever, but when there is something of great value at stake, there is the impetus to dig in and begin this infinitely worthwhile process.

Staring this journey now is wonderful, but using it to manipulate someone to change their thoughts and decisions should not be the motivation. When asking for another chance, what is going on is not about “another chance” at all, it is about asking someone to take a risk. Why would anyone take a risk when the evidence is stacked higher than a pastrami sandwich in a New York Deli that you could cheat again?

Change never happens overnight and it never happens with a gun to its head. Nothing in you has had the time to change except your comfortable existence in the arms of a loving man, which has been traded for a temporary couch and the ghost of those once comforting arms.

And speaking of those arms, it is not surprising that he still loves you. The fact that he does has nothing to do with his taking you back or not. Anger, sadness, and confusion are common bedfellows to love, and just because trust has grown wings and left the party does not mean that love is jumping in the same cab. For all its glory, love can linger regardless of extraordinary pain - and that is why you need to give him space and honor his decision for this relationship to end. Think on this for a bit, if you value him so much, would you want him to be with someone, anyone that has the possibility of hurting him? When you are no longer have the possibility within you to intentionally hurt him, maybe then he can forgive you and then again, maybe not. In other words, you can’t lick the frosting of a cake and expect it to be there in the morning.

Have a naughty day!

Waiting Out the Pain

Dear Miss Kitty,

Last week you answered a reader who had cheated on her boyfriend. You told her she had to tell him what happened and let him decide what to do next. Ironic as it sounds, not only did I read that particular column - I was the boyfriend. She took your (excellent and thank you for that) advice and told me. She was right, I am devastated. For the record, we are not kids. Both in our mid-30’s, each with a previous marriage under our belts, I really thought I had found the one. In fact, what she didn’t know is that I was planning to propose later this summer. I know I am not thinking very straight since she is the last person I would have thought could have done this and as you know, she swears she would never do it again. Since you know the story and apparently so does all of Santa Barbara, what do I do now?

Mike, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Mike,

To begin with, I feel your pain and so does anyone that has ever been the recipient of a cheating partner. As much as it may feel like fresh lemon juice on a paper cut, be glad she fessed up and you now know the truth. There are many unknowingly slighted victims of such scandalous behavior that are never told, and are innocently living a lie. (How do you think that would feel twenty years later)?

I am not trying to make you feel better by the way; I would never do that and you have every right to whatever you are feeling. Being compromised by someones conscience choice is a rotten place to be. At the same time this is not the work of Satan. This is the work of your “beloved”.

Which bring us to the quote of the week courtesy of Sir Walter Scott. “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” How does one untangle a web so one can clearly make a healthy decision at this point in time? Is it possible to repair the damage? Is it plausible to consider that she can be trusted? Should a relationship survive when the foundation, i.e. the trust is now as cracked as a California State Freeway after an 8.6 earthquake?

I have a remote crystal ball so lets look into your head and see just where you are right now. I see a few evil thoughts of retribution, a lot of sorrow, the kind of pain that lurks in the solar plexus, a very large slice of sausage and pepperoni pizza, and a whole lot of questions. In fact there are so many questions in that head, it looks like the Riddler is running around naked because you have his green jumpsuit stuck between your frontal and temporal lobes.

As much a few peanut butter cookies with a beer chaser might help for a while, there is no immediate remedy and no reason to have a plan. With the wind taken out of yours sails, how could you possibly go anywhere safely?

With that in mind, take the pressure off yourself and make no decisions. Let the questions swirl in and out and pick two colors. Attribute one of the colors to you and one to you-know-who. The questions after such a shock are like a temporary but severe case of OCD and they need to be managed. The problem is that most of the questions are not manageable by you, because they have nothing to do with you. Especially the ones about “the other guy”. Breathe, Mike, Breathe….

When a question comes in, grab it with your mind and qualify it: is it about you or her? (That’s were the colors come in, because even serious thinking should have some style).

If it’s a “you” question, make it orange and write it down. Think about it.

Right now it's all about you - what you believe in, value and want for yourself. It’s not about “the relationship”. If the perplexing problem belongs to “her”, make it red and let it go. You can not answer it and there is no point in trying. Speaking of her, you will also want to stay away from Satan’s spawn, oh EXCUSE me, I mean your "girlfriend for a while". (I apologize about that catty little remark but it slipped out. Nothing makes me feel like scratching out eyes more than the lack of respect that is shown when someone cheats or lies).

As much as you would like to, you can not, in all honesty, trust her right now and it would not be in your best interests to do so. This was obviously a serious relationship since you were considering marriage and a lot of thought needs to happen before any action is taken. Eventually, when you look back from a happy time in the future, you will know you made the right choice.

Darling Mike, Boys and Girls, Staples sells relationship signs, “Give it a chance”, “Love conquers all” and “Dump the -you-know-what”. Only you can decide - and decide only when you are ready to do so.

Have a naughty day!

Facing The Music

Dear Miss Kitty,

I can’t believe I am writing for advice, but I don’t want any of my friends to know what I did and I really need to get some help. I had too much to drink a few months ago and I cheated on my BF. I only did it this once and I am racked with guilt. Do I tell him? If I do, he will be devastated and I know I will NEVER do it again. Help!

Ashley, Santa Barbara

DEAR ASHLEY,

Since we can’t live our lives backwards and orchestrate the picture-perfect life, we all need personal ethical codes in place to help us mitigate the possible sting of inappropriate moments. Moments that are never worth the havoc that they create are eliminated because there is a personal line that is never crossed - with no exceptions. These codes are set firmly in place to keep us safe, sound and content, amidst a swirling world of greener grass and temporary insanity.

Knowing that we have learned a lesson - albeit the hard way - is not enough to make good (even for a moment) our rationalization that the behavior was acceptable in the first place. As easy as it might be, blame can not be dropped at the feet of Mr. Jim Beam, Mr. Jack Daniels or even Senor Jose Cuervo. Deep down there is always a moment when we know exactly what we are doing. The deep angst that is felt after a haul across the “finished” line is almost audible, as the desire to undo what has been done resounds through every moment of the present.

As cruel as some of the Darling Boys and Girls might think it I am, from these green cats’ eyes, I think you need to experience all the pain you are feeling. If you thought for even one minute that there would be a simile-laden loophole in the Miss Kitty Guide to Appropriate Relationship Behavior, you were as wrong as a young pig trying out for the San Francisco Opera Company.

Remorse can be a beautiful thing. In fact, it might be the one thing that will take you to a place where you can contemplate why you have it in you to misrepresent yourself in such a grand manner. As sad as it is the haunting words, “he will be devastated” didn’t seem to carry any weight when you were caught up in the moment, but perhaps they can help you now because you really - without any question - have to tell him what happened. The telling is not a release of remorse, the telling is not to release you from the pain you have put yourself in; the telling is because he has a right to know whom you really are.

That truth is that you are able to compromise your relationship as well as yourself and this kind of information is never on a need-to-know basis.

Darling Ashley, as tough as it is going to be - and it will be - you can do it. This is the only way to honestly have a part in this relationship or if he chooses to, leave it. After you tell him, the next move belongs entirely to him, and he gets as much time as he likes to deal with it. As uncomfortable as that is, remember just who put this nasty little conversation into play.

Have a not so naughty day!

Good Cookies and Bad Fireworks

Dear Miss Kitty,
This year I have had three boyfriends. Each relationship lasted about 2 months. Nothing hideous happened, I just knew that what I ultimately needed wasn’t there and I didn’t want to waste my time. Several friends of mine are appalled and think I should have “tried” to make it work, especially the last one. Is there a rule or time frame regarding testing someone out?
Lisa, Montecito



Dear Lisa,
Software can be downloaded free to be examined before purchase; food can be ordered, tasted and sent back to the kitchen if it doesn’t meet with approval; and relationships can be tried, tested and (based on discovered data), be returned - but never from whence they came. Nothing life-changing is going to happen when sniffing the cork, having a little sip and making a decision to drink or not to drink, but when it comes to sniffing out the truth of what someone can - and can not - be for you, there is some level of nose-wrinkling sourness. That being said, enduring some consequence is always worth avoiding a big mistake.

It is praiseworthy to know what you want and even more commendable to actually be so true to your ideals that you are willing to say “next!” so quickly. On the other hand - and there always is another hand (unless you are the Venus di Milo) - checking into the psyche before checking into another hotel is usually a good practice to start with.

Are relationship ideals too-often set to a standard where no human being could ever manage to scale the heights of such perfection? Does this ability to catalog character flaws lead straight to the path of least commitment? Where is the line in the sand when it comes to what we will and will not “take” when it comes to another person’s persona?

Let’s pretend her psyche-work has been done and there are no commitment anxieties, phobias or other relationship issues as a whole to stop Miss Lisa from having a satisfying relationship. She has made it clear that there is no need to wear a hair shirt and endure less than what she wants - and she knows it at two months (By the way, a hair shirt relationship is when the relationship feels itchy, uncomfortable and down right wrong, but you continue because you really haven’t done your work yet). This appears to be a sound and very reasonable approach (Miss Lisa, come into Purrmission and claim your free pink panties for being so smart).

Considering that most people are on their best behavior (in order to get a cookie or something better) during the first two months of dating, if someone’s lack of something or too much of something else are not suitable (regardless of the rationale), it is a sign. It takes a whole lot of love to forgive, overlook and generally not be bothered by something, be it big or small. If an idiosyncrasy or plain old incompatibility is rising to the top, like oil on water, it does mean this person is not for you.

Scene 1. A couple is on their third date at a charming little bistro. So far, there haven’t been 4th of July Fireworks, but things are humming along nicely. Her dinner arrives stone cold and she has a fit worthy of Paris Hilton finding out that her Prada is a fake. Somewhat in shock, he decides that anyone that would go so Norman Bates over a chilly dish isn’t someone he would like to spend his time with. Darling Boys and Girls, (not Lisa, as hopefully she would catch this) our errant diner APOLOGIZES and says she doesn’t know what came over her and is SO sorry and had a TERRIBLE week. What does our easily loveable man do? A. Overlook the faux pas completely. B. Take note of the behavior and make a mental “oops” mark on his checklist. C. Skip desert, skip the Bates Motel and get back on Match.com.

As harsh as it may seem, most nice people (because we are trained to be polite over taking care of ourselves) would give Miss Attitude another chance. Should they? Absolutely not - and here’s why: She obviously forgot about the cookie, slipped into her real psycho-self, and her real psycho-self still has some work to do before she is ready to be in a loving and healthy relationship.

There is no way anyone can know everything in two months, as it takes a lifetime to really know another human being. Fifty or so days are enough time to see, hear and feel, and at least have a glimmer of reality. If the reality you find out in the first fifty ends up not being worthy of your precious self, it is more than reasonable to move on. If one is racking up relationships faster than a race car across the finish line, one might consider being a bit more particular about the ride, but that is a column for another time.

Have a naughty day!

Super Heroes

Dear Miss Kitty,
Regardless of the reasons why, I need to break up with my GF of 6 years right away. What I want is a clean break without a lot of drama and on-going fall out. (O.K., this is the reason I need to break up with this women in the first place. The constant drama is just too much for me). In your experience, what is the best way to do this?
Richard, Santa Barbara




Dear Richard,
Even though relationships are a big industry, there is no known “industry standard” for a well done break up. Nothing tried and true with a 100% success rate where everyone ends up with good feelings, a nice hug- bye bye- and material processions are distributed fairly. If I had such inside information, I could run for President and win. Reality is that there is no more an industry standard of Ciao as there are bras that you can grab, go and actually wear! Every relationship has a slightly different need and there are better, if not perfect ways to find the fit for the forever adieu.

The inevitable sayonara is hard enough but along with adios comes the feeling of loss, sadness, anger, frustration (fill in the blank) that demands attention. Who we are in terms of ethics and morals is also there at this well- attended event, and it can be troublesome indeed to keep it all together. How do you get though the door and out again without it slamming shut behind? Even though the actual event is usually not as bad as what we can imagine, it isn’t up there with sharing a pint of chocolate ice cream while star gazing in a hot tub.

So, when the need arises for us to finally bid someone farewell, would help if we were Super Heroes? Super Heroes with amazing powers that we could call upon to save us from certain, although temporary devastation (Not unlike the upcoming 2008 election)? Powers that just might give us a better chance with the old auf wiedersehen?

Since most of us don’t rack up relationships that need a adios as fast as politicians making promises, when we do have to say “Next”, we don’t have all that much experience to go on. When we get to the point when we know the leaving is better than the staying could ever be, a few special abilities are defiantly an asset. Making those abilities congruent with whom we are as a person on a daily basis is even better.

When dealing with a Drama Princess, perhaps the man of the hour should be, Calmo Man. Dressed in lightly worn 501’s with a bit of carefully managed facial hair, he is, even in the face of text messages from hell, (if not the actual I Phone being hurled at him), a beacon of peace. Calmo Man never raises his voice let alone the level of hostiles. His weapon of choice, is a de-café latte on a quiet Sunday morning, with a few unsuspecting mortals around, to keep Princess D a bit more collected then she would be in private. He is armed and dangerous with a box of extra soft tissues and his litany of “it’s not you, it’s me” is at the ready. Based on prior experience, he knows she will not hear much in the way of truth anyway, so he keeps it short and before you can say Sunday Brunch, he has turned Drama Princess into a meek, although lightly tear stained version of her former intense self. Amazed, but happy that she is so calmly willing to say ta ta to such a fine fellow.

Does this sound like fantasy? It is. However Darling Richard, Boys and Girls, taking a cue from Calmo Man, this is one of the best styles, (spandex tights not included) to get out of Dodge. There are going to be times when even Calmo Man’s X-Ray emotional laser extractor isn’t going to work, but knowing what you need and stating it clearly, without blame is a good place to be. Setting your boundaries for after the break up and sticking to them is almost as a good as an invisible shield against the bad guys. And speaking of bad guys, if you are labeled one or just feeling like one, you are not! You are really the brave guy, since that is what it takes to step up, speak up and end what really needs to be finished to have a happy ending.

Have a naughty day!

The Days of Whine and Roses

Dear Miss Kitty,
My GF’s and I saw Sex in the City (movie) the other night. We all disagreed with Carrie’s decision to forgive Big. So the little wedding turned into a big one - he should have dealt with it. We decided if a guy doesn’t show up at your wedding, except for a serious accident or death, the guy has no business in your life. We realize this is just a movie, but as a life rule, don’t you think it is dangerous to carry forgiveness that far?
The BGC- Santa Barbara
P.S. You do know you are SB’s own Carrie!



Dear BGC,
Like a coffin rising from an ancient burial ground, covered with the stagnant dust that accompanies exhuming thoughts of a wedding, gather the ghastly forms: The dreaded Bridezilla, Franken-bride and the always sad and pathetic, The Groom the Bride Forgot. These are not horror movies you rent for an uber-spooky evenings entertainment; these are actual happenings - which go on enough to make the little hairs on your arm rise up, like the back-fur on an arched Halloween cat.

When is a relationship not about a wedding? When a wedding is NOT about a relationship! Tangled together, these two concepts are the root cause for the self-induced wedding contempt that accompany the planning, executation and demise of too many green George Washington’s. The theme song for all this confusion? Wedding Day Blues. Not only is this a great title for the next big country western song, the wedding blues are a color that no one looks good in for long, and can be avoided with lots of stuff that dreams are actually made of.

There are more than a few things that this planet would be better off without – and easily in the top 100 are all the preconceived ideas and circus-like maneuvers that encompass the modern wedding. Now that is an oxymoron! In these times weddings bear more than a light similarity to weddings of by-gone days. However the nuptials of yesteryear had, within the fantasy, a grounding of understanding. Do we even know or care why we are compelled to carry on “traditions”. Is a tradition really one if you don’t even know why you are doing it? Thou thinkest not! Like so many aspects of modern life, there is a cavernous hunger to acquire - without thought and deeper meaning.

With beautiful potential to revel in the deepest of meanings and explore one of life’s great mysteries - love - a wedding is the perfect time to explore a couple’s desire for lasting love. Instead of planning the simple and personal approach that focuses on the meaning of the day, the “big engagement” often gives a crazed bride-to-be license to hurtle at light speed towards bridesmaid dresses from hell, the matching parade of flowers, favors and what ever else that can be sold for a buck to the “savvy” bride.

Stressed-out with the fear of not enough, she is armed and dangerous, tapping her French Manicured nails on the most recent copy of Modern Bride while reading how to keep him quiet while you plan your special day over the next 565 days. (Ball gags in baby blue are available if the promise of daily sex isn’t working). The compelling argument justifying any and all is that since this is the ONLY day you will ever be a bride, you had better get it right! That crushing pressure - originating form many opportunistic sources - is enough to turn the sweetest of brides-to-be into a lethal predator seeking nuptial perfection.

(By the way, that there nothing in its equivalent form for men. Considering same sex couple marriage (congratulations!!!!) in now legal in California, I can’t wait to see the newest magazines that will be sharing space at the newsstand). That being said, understanding and encompassing someone’s dreams is important and needs to be honored - but equally imperative is letting go of some dreams in the truest spirit of being one.

Therefore, Darling Boys, Girls and BGC, let me get off my soapbox to say, it was perfectly reasonable and appropriate for Carrie to forgive Big. In planning their wedding, she lost her clear vision of togetherness in favor of a vision that was all about her. That being said, it was also perfectly reasonable for her to be angry. Unless a groom is a card carrying mute, without the ability to write or use sign language, he is accountable for speaking up and putting his foot down on the heart shaped cake! Wake up and smell the overpriced pink- glitter- strewn floral arrangements!

The trappings of romance are sticky with dried champagne, and to walk through a passage to a truly new and fresh perspective together, takes time and effort. Marriage, between all couples, is an incredible part of humanity. Doesn’t it deserve the time to discuss the meaning behind the movements? Some soul searching to make those vows truly a commitment worth honoring? In taking the time to smell not the roses but the reality and true meaning of your romantic day, the foundation for a partnership of a lifetime can really get started.

Have a naughty day!

Father's Day Love and Secret Codes

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a woman I really like. I could love her. However, I have not been successful in any relationships yet. My dad left when I was 10 and my mom raised me and my brothers alone. Do you think this has anything to do with why I don’t do well in relationships?
A.J., Santa Barbara




Dear A.J.,
It is widely known that the state of our relationships is vastly affected, in both positive and negative ways, by what we observed as children. If we were lucky enough to see real love in action, in words and deeds, we are more likely to have set a premium on believing that this high level of love in our adult life is easily attainable.

Does having a good example of what we want mean we are better equipped to find it? Does growing up with a working model mean we understand and can recognize love, or the lack of it? What happens if the blueprint for respectful romance was never drafted for our future reference? Does this mean we are doomed to never experience a healthy love, no matter what? When it comes to believing in, finding and making love last, recognizing what love is based on having real-world examples is the first step. Looking back at what our child-self decided love was, is the second and giving love with compassionate grace is the third.

Love has as many facets as there are people on this planet, maybe more since love has been around as long as there have been people. As children, when we looked past our grubby Winnie-the-Pooh at the adults who came and went, we picked up not-so-subtle clues about which interactions worked - and which didn’t. If we saw conflict followed by peaceful, healthy resolution, we are today more likely to trust that conflict is safe. Being fearless in the face of what we perceive as adverse is the most affirmative action we can emulate. What we learn from practicing courage is there is nothing that two people who love each other cannot work through - and come out the other side stronger, closer and even more in-love.

Not all aspects of love are so clear cut and as kiddies, we are little copy-cats – and seeing a grown man show respectful and joyful love towards his partner is a huge leg up on teaching little girls what to look for in a future mate and gives little boys more than a few of the secret codes that make a great man. That doesn’t mean that having observed a great relationship second-hand makes it easy to find one. One can have the ultimate best in fathers (like yours truly) and still have trouble ciphering though what real love is.

Knowing what a great man is does not guarantee that one will easily find him, but carrying a torch for what one ultimately believes is possible does stack the odds more than a bit.

Can you be a great man if you haven’t seen a great man? Can bearing witness to a terrible relationship or a mediocre parody of love teach that love is possible and a worthy life long mission to accomplish? Does the “absent father” - the phantom responsible for a never-ending list of questions regarding the guidelines and hallmarks that make an exemplary man - make it just as possible to learn what love is as the “hands on” always-there dad? Absolutely!

It comes down to this, Darling Boys and Girls and A.J. Once again, even though some of us are lucky enough to have a leg up on the system through early examples, we are all now on our own to figure out and discover what works for us. The message is clearly defined: we can look to the positive and negative role models of the past and learn. We can learn by example as easily as we can learn by a lack of one, as long as we are willing to learn - and believe - that love is always worth it.

For my dad, Ronald Doctors and all Dads, Step Dads, Grand Dads and Dads of Dogs and Cats… showing us how to be a great man by example -a great big kiss for father’s day!

Three Days to Somewhere

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife thinks I am not spontaneous anymore. She tells me that it is an important part of a relationship and I need to work on being more of free spirit. I agree that spontaneity is part of a relationship, but doesn’t the definition mean that the other person doesn’t get to “organize” the “spontaneous” event? I would be spontaneous, if she would let it happen!
Mark and Jenny - Santa Barbara



Dear Mark and Jenny,
It would seem that in the beginning, at the start of a relationship, spontaneity is a willing little participant: always eager and helpful to make a good time even more exciting, and mysteriously better. Then, as in so many aspects of a long-term relationship, our carefree friend gets shy, nervous and uncomfortable - and moves away to warmer and less impulsive climes. So why does this once happy and easygoing creature, a crucial spicy ingredient of the early days, decide to pack up its few belongings and move away?

Could it be that the last time she suggested they take the long -road home, he sighed, rolled his baby blues towards heaven and kept on driving? Could it be that she loudly complained about “timing” when he slyly slipped a couple of great concert tickets out of his pocket, announcing that they had 30 minutes to get to the show? It seems that when it comes to making spontaneity work spontaneously, there are a few ground rules – which, as usual, are based on accepting your person with gratitude as they truly are.

Can you imagine how many marriages would fail to take place, or at least be delayed a while, if there was a “mutual flexibility” test prior to either marriage or shacking up? No, this is not a platform for yet another ludicrous reality show; it is a hypothetical device to find out if partners are truly compatible. A car, some cash and a basic map are included in the package. No pre-arranged accommodations or GPS equipment are allowed. The couple is now free to explore just how spontaneous they are, how equal is the give and take in the relationship, and find out just who (hopefully no one) is in charge.

This test must be conducted at the crucial time – after dating for a while, and prior to co-mingling, because in the early days, our test would just be one room, room-service and no travel time at all! That is not a test, but a three day love-fest , when everyone is on their picture-perfect behavior - and proves nothing except that room service French fries are never hot. The road test insures that tempers will be tested, personal likes and dislikes will clearly be displayed and best of all, the real ebb and flow between the couple will be impossible to fake. (Three days of Metallica blasting on a car CD (when Madonna is preferred by the other listen-ee) have broken up many a Romeo and Juliet!)

Want to take the test? Wish you had? Since the test has just been invented here by yours truly, we’ll assume you haven’t taken it. The apparent lack of spontaneity in a relationship is a clue: that had you taken the road less traveled, you just might have a different co-pilot. Which means, if you decide to “work” on the highly valued skill of unpremeditated action, you practice knowing that your partner will be receptive and accepting. Regardless of how intact one’s ego is, there is a crushing microsecond when an ill received idea bites the dust because it isn’t received with joyful surprise, and simultaneously so does the next time someone is willing to take a risk and be naturally spontaneous.

It is up to both the spontaneous-or and the spontaneous-ee to be kind with each other, and welcoming of the other person’s loving risk. Like accepting and believing that getting up in the middle of the night, packing a picnic and taking a walk (without a map) is a great idea. A bit tired in the morning? Don’t you wish!

Have a naughty day!

When a Man is a Man

Dear Miss Kitty,
The other night my buddies and I were out observing the SB night life. After seeing countless women with loser guys, we wondered: What exactly is it that women want in a man? We have all lost a girlfriend to some idiot that usually doesn’t have a decent job and certainly isn’t as together as any of us are. Give us your wisdom – what is attractive to women?
Michael and friends.


Dear Michael and friends,
It sounds like you and friends were sharing a saucer of milk at table #9 (read: not-very-nice catty-with-claws out-conversation instead of bonding serenely over chilled beer enjoying your man-time) but since you bring a worthwhile topic to the table I shall forgive your cattiness.

A person that spends the time and effort to seek out and become what others “want” has missed the most important lesson of all-to find someone that loves you for yourself as you are, this very day. That being said, there are certainly characteristics that women look for and admire in men over all other abilities. Yes, ALL other abilities - and don’t look so smug.

At the top of the totem pole is none other than the man of dependability. He is the one that does what he says he will with no complaints, and he doesn’t keep score. He is ever-capable and even if she likes to take care of herself, he could step in if she wanted him to. (He also knows enough to realize sometimes she does when she doesn’t say so). He is trustworthy to a fault and because of that; she has no reason to test him.

There is something infinitely satisfying when a woman knows, with no doubts, she can trust her man. That means he says what he means, means what he says and doesn’t blur the truth to avoid a possible confrontation. No man-lies allowed! If he knows he is wrong, he admits it, corrects the problem and doesn’t do it again. Women can't resist a man who is trustworthy and dependable because those traits whisper sweetly to her soul, that she is safe.

Every woman wants to feel safe. Safe feels wonderful but only works if it is a consistent feeling, which brings us to the next desirable trait: the man that is consistent in his actions, core beliefs and values. That doesn’t mean what a man believes isn’t subject to change. The kind of change that is good is when someone is choosing to do deep work to further self improvement (for himself not his partner). The inconsistent –will- of- the- wisp man, is the type to be a vegetarian to meet your Birkenstock-wearing parents, and then needs to stop at an In and Out Burger on the way home for a fix. Consistency shows up in living color when it is apparent in words and deeds. Unfortunately words can be cheap, but actions take effort that can not be faked for long.

A man that is socially confident is forever sexy. This man feels at home in his skin, quietly understands his value in the world and is as comfortable in blue jeans as a tux (HAD to say that!) He projects that he has a sure thing going on, always with class. He believes at his deepest level that his persona is “alright”, without a smidgeon of cockiness. That does not mean he spends more time at the mirror than she does. It does not mean he complains his butt is getting too big. In terms of how he projects this confidence, on the Scientific-American naive baby-to-full blown player scale, he is right in the middle.

Last but not least, a man with a plan and the ability to carry it out makes even the coldest of hearts melt. Remember the show MacGyver? It wasn’t just the tight jeans sans shirt that made MacGyver a favorite among women…it was his unwavering ability to find a way, no matter what, without throwing things or a fit. (By the way, little boy hissy fits are very unattractive and will earn you major points in the wrong direction).

So Boys, Girls and Michael, when a man chooses to be the man he says he is, assuming you are choosing to be an upfront, classy, resourceful, know-what-you-want guy; instead of a slimy-slinky-snake of a man or a little-boy-crying-the-blues kind of guy, he will be able to find and keep the woman of his dreams. And because a great guy knows he is a great guy, he is discerning about with whom he chooses to spend his time with. He is looking for a woman that is just as honest, consistent and capable as he. Sound familiar?

Have a naughty day!

Rules of engagement and Engaging Rules During Times of Peace

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband thinks is it unreasonable for me to want him to call when he is leaving work. I know this isn’t a big thing, nor am I making it one, but I don’t think it is asking all that much and it is a ritual that makes me feel good. When he gets home, a lot is usually going on with the kids, etc and this short time to connect and see how the day went is nice. He doesn’t seem to understand and feels it is checking up on him in some way. How do you vote?
Sharon S, Goleta

Dear Sharon,
Although not always observed, the official rules about arguing between couples are documented fairly well. Fighting fairly means refraining at all costs from saying nasty, below the belt comments about your significant others family, friends, pets and ancient articles of clothing. Yes, those beloved sweats are as off limits as mom and her famous cool-whip and unsalted-peanut butter pie. As satisfying as it can feel at the moment of delivering an “accurate”, yet uncomfortable truth, the reality is, if it doesn’t REALLY need to be said, don’t indulge your inner snippy self and say it.

That doesn’t mean however that in times of peace, letting go is always the best method of interaction. If something matters to you, it counts. In fact, letting go too much, being too amenable, if you don’t REALLY mean it, just allows peace to grow wings and fly out the window.

We all have our standards, known or under revision, about what makes us feel right in the world and with our partner. When we can make a difference by giving, not giving in, we are fortifying our relationship so that the present and the future is being fed by a constant stream of healthy, happy and contented behaviors.

So where do we stand on what is reasonable and acceptable when it comes down to the rules of daily engagement? Does calling your wife when leaving work remind you of checking in with your parents? Does it feel like just one more thing you HAVE to do? Are you just being difficult because she does something you don’t like? If there is something that niggles us uncomfortably in the tummy or we feel resistant to complying, we need to look inside ourselves and see just why that phone call, that kiss when we leave, that toilet seat thing is made into a much bigger issue than it really is.

If the little things are making us stamp our feet in not-so-secret ways, what happens when big resistance meets big problems? When love is held ransom so someone can get their way regardless of the cost, it is the beginning of the end.

Acknowledging what makes someone else’s day is the beginning. Since we have the ability to ennoble, honor and appreciate each other in so many ways, why not do so by giving someone what they need? It isn’t really hard, when you really love someone. Think of it as smart daily practice so the dogs of war never make your relationship their permanent battlefield.

Have a naughty day!

Peeling the Onion

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been with my BF for 6 years, since I was 19. Nothing is really wrong; I just think I need to experience a bit more of life before I settle down. The thing is I am scared I am making a mistake by moving on since he really is a great guy, but on the other hand, I don’t want to get 10 years down the road with any regrets. How do you decide?
Lisette



Dear Lisette,
When preparing an onion for cooking, you can have a variety of experiences. You can just lay into the fragrant orb, cleaver-a-whirling and depending on the onion, cry a little or cry a lot. You can chill the many layered veggie-bomb to reduce the possibility of its eye smarting noxious fumes, or you can buy it pre-chopped and frozen and escape the possibilities of tears altogether (or connecting with your culinary genius). The most important thing to note is that regardless of what you do, there are more possibilities than you could ever have imagined in terms of the actual experience, but in the end, experience aside, you end up with a mound of chopped, diced or sliced onion.

When deciding on life’s various paths, we walk the walk of the onion, not the onion chopper. For the onion is unlimited in its layer upon layer of translucent possibilities. Gently and slowly peeled, abruptly severed to get to the next step as quickly as possible, or growing right out of the cooking pot and into a healthy little onion plant waving in the wind.

There are no rights or wrongs here, just different choices that lead into different tasting dishes. The part of the choice that keeps you grounded and lets you know that - although difficult or fraught with feelings - it is the correct one for you, is when you take the time to feel and sit with your decision, whatever it is. Making decisions based on the possibilities for the future is sensible when it comes to investing in the stock market, but makes little sense when it comes to emotional investments. You can only really know without-a-doubt where you are and how you feel today, in the present moment after much self-reflection.

Being in a place where you are wrestling with a decision based on the possibility that you will miss out on something that has yet to be, is a good indication that change is imminent in one form or another. How you choose to conduct yourself in regards to your personal behavior is as important as the actual decision itself. There is no need to know all the answers before you proceed, just let the events unfold like peeling layers off an onion as you gently find your way toward resolution. Remember that with change always come strong feelings that, although uncomfortable, you are better off really experiencing – instead of chilling them out or pre-packaging so as not to feel them deeply and fearfully avoid the inevitable tears.

Have a naughty day!