An emotional pre-nup

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am getting married in few months and although I love my husband to be, I am not blind to the fact that over half of marriages end in divorce. Is there anything I can do to improve the odds?
Traci, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Traci,
With the bombardment of celebrity faux pas, divorce attorneys advertising gift with purchase, and the actual statistics being on the kind side, there is reason to worry. So how do you feel confident when entering into the spiritual, emotional and business contract otherwise known as marriage? Is it possible to stack the deck? Isn’t love enough? When it comes to a successful marriage, love alone is never enough.

We live in a world of rules and regulations since apparently humans haven’t evolved to a state where we can police ourselves. “No shirt-no service”, “video surveillance in use on these premises”, “click it or ticketl” - it doesn’t seem to stop does it? And yet, jails are as full as a free Carnival cruise and saving a receipt for a wedding gift is as prudent as checking a lovers email account.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks to happily-ever-after is that “happy” is hinged on little more than promises of good behavior while in the throes of pre-marital bliss. Given that table cloth colors have topped world events as a dinner table subject this is not a time when reason is prevailing. There is everything right about planning a wedding with the one you love, but unfortunately only a smidgen of real thinking goes into planning the marriage. It’s the thing that comes after the colored table cloths – and is supposed to last a lifetime.

I apologize if I sound harsh and perhaps even a bit brittle. I have written countless columns on trust or rather the lack of it, all because a large percentage of people just don’t understand, value or implement the concept. If nothing else, marriage is the ultimate proving ground for trust or the lack of it. That being said, it is possible to mitigate - if not profoundly alter - the possible outcome of “I do” into something that will last longer than a garter toss.

Written contracts are widely used and have great value. You can’t buy a house, adopt a dog, or rent a car without one. They clearly state values, boundaries and consequences. Marriage vows seem to be missing the last two concepts. In this day and age is anyone so naïve to think “it won’t happen to me?’ Are we paralyzed by passion into thinking it is unreasonable to be business-like about what is essentially a lifelong business? A traditional marriage value is until death us do part. The modern translation is to stick it out as long as it isn’t too much work. Are you willing to stay if your partner strays? What if an undiscovered addiction is brought to light? What if your husband is really a Labrador in disguise?
If there was a written contract in place that said, I value blank and if that boundary is crossed, I will blank, both partners know upfront what is acceptable and what is not. What will transpire if need be. One of the major benefits is that the wronged party will not be placed in a position of “being the bad guy” which so often happens during a break up.

Darling Traci, Boys and Girls, think of it as an emotional pre-nup. It enables both parties to clarify to each other and themselves what they hold dear (other than each other) and takes a very serious commitment into the thinking realm. Love conquers all, but not always in the most obvious sense. Sometimes love takes away what we hold personally precious and that is nothing to say “I do” for, without reasonable assurance of minimum risk.
Have a naughty day!

Thinking too much

Dear Miss Kitty,
I know a guy is really in to me, but he hasn’t even talked to me yet. Do you think he will?

T, SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
Words are cheap, why wouldn’t he use them?


Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating someone for about six weeks. We are having a great time and really like each other. I am wondering if we have enough in common for a long term relationship. I was going to bring it up over the weekend, but I hoped that you could give me some steering direction first.
R.Z. SANTA BARBRA

Dear R.Z,
When the company is splendid and the days are progressing without incident, why is it so difficult to just enjoy? There is no reason to name it, envision the future, or break a new relationship down and file it under an appropriate heading. Luxuriate in it for what it is, instead of wondering what it isn't or can never be. The truth is that making rules doesn’t imply a guarantee of happiness. Concocting relationship do’s and don’ts, won’t guarantee happiness either. Allowing ourselves to feel happiness, guarantees contentment, if nothing else. There is a Zen-toddleresque component to human connections. Sometimes we have to let it be, observe and tell our thinking selves to go away and play in the mud!

Like grease following frying bacon, unless we consciously decide to put a lid on it, pleasant passion becomes a slick surface for happiness to slide off of. Even when a relationship is full of delights why is there is always a period when the questions come forth? Like the winter holidays, they show up even when we could do without them and never know the difference. What about future living situations? Will we be compatible if I think carrots are the other white meat and you don’t? This can be a make it or break it time for lots of couples, and here’s a big secret. It doesn't need to be so. If both are feeling happy, it is a huge disservice to what might be, to over-think the unknown (and most everything is) into woe.

Thinking people think too much and in the beginning stages of a relationship the need to get in touch with our inner Einstein is all consuming. Leaving well enough alone makes sense now doesn’t it? Romance is like water, you can trust it will always seek its own level, eventually. Humans have a profound desire to play connect the dots, instead of waiting to see what dots end up connected all by themselves.

Darling R.Z, Boys and Girls, if the company is good, the major dots connect, the rest doesn't really matter. It's about having fun, feeling good, and being open to what could be. A blissful new relationship belongs under candle light, not under the harsh glare of interrogation bulbs. A new relationship doesn't need to be a project in a dissection lab either. When you break ANYTHING down, the magic dissipates very swiftly. If there is a major problem or a deep unease, by all means call in the Spanish Inquisition, feel free to cry,” NEXT”! But when it feels good, don’t unravel something quite precocious into tiny fragments. A word to the wise, love and romance are found in combinations, but never in dissevered parts.
Have a naughty day!

Honoring Invisible Contracts

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have a crush on an amazingly beautiful woman. She's smart, she's sexy and her smile could light up a room. It's nearly impossible to describe the euphoria that surrounds me when I look into her eyes. It's powerful. The logic in me says I'm too old to be a school-yard secret admirer, but my shy guy has other plans. When I first met her, I was awed by her mysterious beauty. As she carried herself, pale and slender, gracefully and elegantly towards one of the other men in the room, I noticed something. She seemed like a queen, high and regal, with a strange air of mystery about her. And her beauty couldn't help but add to her mystery. Her long, deep-strawberry-blond hair and striking grayish-green eyes make her an irresistible magnet for my gaze. It's useless not to stare. I am not some creep, just an old-school romantic with a desire for passion who had to let his true feelings be known. I read your column weekly, and will look for a response.
Jim, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Jim,
Thank you for taking a breather from your promising- romance- novelist career to let me and thousands of Daily Sound readers know of your true feelings. Although you may have brought a smile to my rosy lips, you didn’t actually ask me a question! So let me ask you a few. Considering the fiery passion that lurks within your manly chest, why have you not acted on your intense ardor? Why tell all of us and not the object of your obvious affections? Or sly dog that you just may be, are you hoping/guessing that she is reading this column along with her morning- large- cream- based- caramel- frappucccino with an extra shot stirred in, not on top?
Although many a man has gazed from afar, perhaps even left homemade egg rolls atop a Scion, most grown- up women find discomfort in the concept of a secret admirer. After all, mother told us not to talk to strangers. Let alone strange men that don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason in being forthright with their intentions. Menu’s have prices, politicians have parties (or should), and most people like to know the player, if not the whole game.

Mystery might be Alfred Hitchcock’s raison D’etre but for most of us the less mystery the better! We read the last page of a page turner, would rather be with the devil we know than the devil we don’t and we always want to know what’s for dinner. Knowing gives us an impression, albeit a false one, of security. Ever wondered why every baby gets a blankie within days of arriving? Water, food and security are crucial for our survival as a species.

We excuse children from confiding their crushes with good reason. The admission of a crush is likely to inspire playground torments yet undiscovered by the Taliban. And the reason kindergartners don’t sign their Valentines is that they can’t spell. Once we pass the age of dodge ball being a graded activity, we really need to step up to the plate and take a chance. Looking, lusting and leering from afar is more likely to get a free orange jumpsuit and cell mates that won’t appreciate dinner by candlelight.

Darling Jim, Boys and Girls, we live in a world with many an invisible contract. As human beings, we owe respect without reservation to those we come in contact with. Giving someone a chance to hear what we have to say and accepting the consequences is honoring at least one of the invisible contracts. Whether having a bad hair day or frightened that their soul is being stolen, tribal natives in Cameroon don’t like having their picture taken. Out of respect, one asks. Don’t you think the object of your affections deserves the same consideration?
Have a naughty day!

Honesty is the best policy

Dear Miss Kitty,
I had a great relationship with a guy for about six months and enjoyed every moment we were together. After this time he started to change in subtle but annoying ways. I thought it was just that the honeymoon dating period had ended. Not so! Slowly I learned things about him that made a mockery of all he had told me. He was just acting and saying things to please me but couldn't keep it up. When I finally asked him about his pretenses he grew very angry and I left as fast as I could. I feel so tricked and stupid.
JD, Ventura

Dear JD,
Once upon a time a man wanted to cross a river, but it was too deep and too swift for him to cross safely. As he sat pondering the wild water, a crocodile swam up to him. It offered to take him across the river on its back. The man was wary and asked if he would be safe. “Of course you will be,” said the croc. The man got onto the crocodile and half way across Toothy flipped the man into the river and started to come towards him with his mouth open ready to bite. The man shrieked “What are you doing?” “I am going to eat you,” said the croc. The man cried out “But you said I would be safe!” The croc said “That is what I said, but I am a crocodile!”
?There are no rules of life that dating has managed to circumvent. Regardless of wolf, croc or cute man outfit, when it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Like the man on the river discovered, there really is no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are the lunch. When someone seems too good to be true or is just so perfect, that is the time to take a breath and slow way down. The odds are fairly high, that they are allowing you to see only the safe side of them.
On display for friends and family is the man or women of the year, maybe the decade. With someone as easy to be around as summer, it is easy to become lulled into a false sense of what is safe and what feels right. The act, however convincing cannot be maintained forever. Due to the fact that water really does seek its own level, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain the floor show. Once the curtain begins to fall, what is left is closer to what is real. Maybe.
We all show our best side when we first meet a new person; we may act in ways that are not our true selves. How this has become acceptable? Honesty ranks number one on most people’s list of values they expect in a partner. Our expectation is that what we see is what we are getting and when this doesn’t happen we are dumbfounded. Often we wonder why we didn’t or couldn’t see the truth. It is next to impossible when one is dating an academy award worthy winning actor or actress and we shouldn’t blame ourselves.

As tempting as it might be to don a flowery dress for a first date, when you are a jeans-only kind of girl, don’t. A high proportion of failed relationships are due to the camouflage approach and once the jig is up so is the relationship. In other words, when an onion eventually gets peeled there are usually a lot of tears. It might take longer to find a good match but it is better to be authentic right from the start. Why wouldn’t someone want to relax and have the opportunity to be loved for whom they really are? Makes one wonder doesn’t it?

Darling JD, Boys, and Girls, honesty is the best policy, especially if a long term relationship is in your focus. Even if you don’t know or don’t care where something might go, isn’t it better to be able to be able to smile and not worry about the razor-sharp teeth showing?
Have a naughty day!

A literal girl in a figurative world

Dear Miss Kitty,
Why isn’t there an Easter Chicken? It makes no sense that a bunny leaves candy Easter eggs.
Anna, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Anna,
What makes no sense is thinking that anything of a candy-like nature comes out of either a chicken or a bunny.

Dear Miss Kitty,
Last month my BF’s parents were in town and (without my knowledge) they decided to co-sign a loan for him and he bought a house. I found out when he said he had a surprise he wanted to show me. His new house which just closed a 60 day escrow! It is hard for me to be happy for him since he had promised me for 3 years that we would buy a house together. Now I am wondering if he ever really meant it. This is a big deal to me since I don’t take broken promises lightly. Is breaking a promise the same thing as lying?
C.C., SANTA BARBARA

Dear C,
It is hard to be a literal girl in a figurative world isn’t it? In so many effortless ways we can be in touch with the ones we love. We instant message, text, and even slow down and call once in a while. With all that glorious communication available, it still seems that too much gets lost in translation. In other words, when it comes down to putting your money where your mouth is, too many people use depreciating dollars instead of the gold standard.

Besides carpel tunnel, one of the side effects of an instant-information world is the lost ability to ponder at leisure. To sit back and think, peruse and mull over possibilities before we use our immature emotional megaphones and blurt them out. In the very early days of dating, much gets said (and done) that would be better served by waiting. We tend to forgive such trespass since it is hard to see anything while wearing rose colored glasses. Infatuation is its own defense.
However deep into the job description of a serious relationship, a promise said and heard should be a promise kept. So does a promise become a lie if it is not honored? Although it sounds, looks and feels like the mother of all lies, a broken promise is not the same thing as a lie. Once and for all (since most allow too much wiggle room for this 3- lettered criminal), let us nail down what a lie really is - a known deception made to cover up, avoid or modify the truth.

Although breaking a promise can be a foul thing to do, it isn’t a lie since there wasn’t deceit when the original promise was being made. 50% of all current marriages end in divorce. Do you think half the brides and grooms had a finger crossed behind their back? Should the ceremony include a polygraph test? No, because when those promises were made, there was a sincere intent to love, honor and cherish. Certain golfers not included.

What a broken promise does is trigger the same heart- stopping emotional response as a lie. Betrayal is lemming country. Without warning life as one has known it is running away as fast as it can - right off a cliff. During the descent, the fallout is brutal. Questions come as fast as the cold air rushing up to meet and greet. Of course, the question of lying is at the top of the list. Why wouldn’t it be? There is nothing like a taste of incongruence to make us think the entire buffet might be poisoned.

Darling C, Boys and Girls, although we have clearly identified that a broken promise is not a lie, it takes the same type of emergency CPR (Caring Personal Relating) as if a lie had been told. To revive your relationship via CPR, an upfront Q and A with Mr. Casa Nuevo in required regarding what happened, what is happening and what will happen if a promise is shirked in the future. Remember that four-year-old Easter egg in the back yard? A word to the wise: don’t make a promise lightly- because everything hidden eventually shows up.
Have a naughty day!