Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I had a huge fight this week. It was awful and brought up a lot of stuff for us both. The reason I am writing isn’t about what actually happened, I can figure that out myself. What I want to know is how can you think you have a great relationship, the kind where you feel you are two of a kind, and then end up in such a bad place? It was like neither one of us could hear the other one and I always thought communication was one of our strong points. I would be grateful if you wouldn’t mind thinking through this for me.
A loyal reader, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Loyal,
With thinking cap firmly a top my head, I am happy to be your beck and call girl. I can tell you that you are not alone in your experience or in your question. The best of relationships can find themselves in murky waters, where the bottom is hidden and when something is accidently touched, it is mysteriously slimy and the instinctual option is to pull away in fear.
So when a relationship that has prided itself on long talks deep into the night, exacting discussions on world politics and intense forays into the spiritual unknowns finds itself using potty language worthy of a 10 year old with Tourettes, something is very wrong. It is a 4 -shot espresso that it is time to learn the highly under-utilized skill of communication.
If a relationship is able to provide what all of the people want most of the time, it still has a valid shelf life. The amicable joint journeys into verbal camaraderie prove that there is something of great worth to be continually nurtured. But how much of our communication skill set is ever tested when discussing insane liberal policies, the 10th spiritual plane, or if David Bowie was ever a spy for the Soviet Union? Aside from the always polite-wait-your-turn-until-speaking and a particularly interesting if not deviant opinion on the consumption of veal, there is not much that teaches us how to communicate.
Believe it or not, good communication has something in common with revenge. Both are a dish that is best served cold. In other words, during an extremely heated and emotional moment, everyone has the potential to say and hear things that are just not true. If anger is really fear with teeth, than what is said or implied, is more often than not, just a way to wound. A childish version of you-hurt-me-first…
Choosing to react to a reaction just makes a chain of fools of everyone involved. It is in our human nature, when under attack to either strike back in response or defend ourselves. (Think of both as evil cake with pretty frosting that shouldn’t be eaten, let alone baked in the first place). The issue with this approach is that no one is heard and nothing is accomplished. To have good maybe even great communication takes true maturity. It means detaching from the scared little self that feels under attack and simultaneously letting go of a desired outcome. Taking turns listening, without responding (no cake allowed) takes lots of 0practice! In a happy relationship, since the trials tend to be far and few between, this practice never takes place.
Darling Loyal, Boys and Girls, it is no wonder that a relationship that thinks it can walk really well, slips and falls when it finds itself in dangerous and unfamiliar territory. There was never any practice for such an experience and although a couple may be fantastic at day to day problem solving, deep philosophical musings and both love chocolate milk at bedtime, doesn’t mean they are prepared in the least for a real trial during the experience we call marriage.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Leave me alone
Dear Miss Kitty,
I broke up with this guy and he is making it very difficult. He shows up at mutual friends events and then won’t leave me alone. I don’t want to give up MY friends and my life but he doesn’t seem to understand the word no. Any ideas?
Getting Desperate, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Desperate:
If we were cousins in Little Italy I would suggest a quick and easy-to-delete text message to Uncle Vinnie requesting “Da Shoes”, but unfortunately we are far removed from such an elementary, but efficient solution. Equally unfortunate is the fact that your ex doesn’t realize he is an ex and doesn’t have the emotional maturity to accept that “over” means immediately over. There is probably nothing more final then a women giving a man the old, “It IS you, not me and we are done.” But if he didn’t hear the clod of dirt fall on the coffin yet, he isn’t going to anytime soon.
So after taking the necessary shots of courage and tequila and going to the trouble to honestly shoot a relationship down, why is it that some people just won’t accept that dead means dead? If the relationship was worth terminating for one, wasn’t it “turn out the lights, the party’s over” for everyone? Why would someone want to stay with someone who doesn’t want them? How could someone not realize that someone would never want to be with someone that wants to be with someone that doesn’t want them! Although that truism is way too long to be a tattoo (on most people), it is worth reading over a few times until you get it. Really.
Darling Desperate, Boys and Girls, I am going to venture a guess that this response won’t be popular – however, the only way to speed the closure (short of a threatening call from Uncle Vinnie) is to avoid the conflict completely. Even, if that means taking a break from socializing for the time being with your mutual friends. The “gentleman” in question does not seem to be someone that is willing, under the circumstances to respect your boundaries anytime soon. While it seems very unfair for you to be the one that has to (temporarily) change your life, ultimately your absence may be the only way for him to move on.
By treating him as though he is an extinct dinosaur, and that means no contact of any kind, he may then become your past instead of your present. Once again, since we cannot control other people our only option, is to modify our own behavior. Not always fun or fair, but always the path of least resistance.
Have a naughty day!
I broke up with this guy and he is making it very difficult. He shows up at mutual friends events and then won’t leave me alone. I don’t want to give up MY friends and my life but he doesn’t seem to understand the word no. Any ideas?
Getting Desperate, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Desperate:
If we were cousins in Little Italy I would suggest a quick and easy-to-delete text message to Uncle Vinnie requesting “Da Shoes”, but unfortunately we are far removed from such an elementary, but efficient solution. Equally unfortunate is the fact that your ex doesn’t realize he is an ex and doesn’t have the emotional maturity to accept that “over” means immediately over. There is probably nothing more final then a women giving a man the old, “It IS you, not me and we are done.” But if he didn’t hear the clod of dirt fall on the coffin yet, he isn’t going to anytime soon.
So after taking the necessary shots of courage and tequila and going to the trouble to honestly shoot a relationship down, why is it that some people just won’t accept that dead means dead? If the relationship was worth terminating for one, wasn’t it “turn out the lights, the party’s over” for everyone? Why would someone want to stay with someone who doesn’t want them? How could someone not realize that someone would never want to be with someone that wants to be with someone that doesn’t want them! Although that truism is way too long to be a tattoo (on most people), it is worth reading over a few times until you get it. Really.
Darling Desperate, Boys and Girls, I am going to venture a guess that this response won’t be popular – however, the only way to speed the closure (short of a threatening call from Uncle Vinnie) is to avoid the conflict completely. Even, if that means taking a break from socializing for the time being with your mutual friends. The “gentleman” in question does not seem to be someone that is willing, under the circumstances to respect your boundaries anytime soon. While it seems very unfair for you to be the one that has to (temporarily) change your life, ultimately your absence may be the only way for him to move on.
By treating him as though he is an extinct dinosaur, and that means no contact of any kind, he may then become your past instead of your present. Once again, since we cannot control other people our only option, is to modify our own behavior. Not always fun or fair, but always the path of least resistance.
Have a naughty day!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Finding men who appreciate romance
Dear Miss Kitty,
Why is it so hard for men to comprehend that women need romance? Is it really so difficult to do something that SHE thinks is special, even if he doesn’t? And one more thing, if you have to ask for romance why does it diminish the effect?
Nancy, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Nancy,
Don’t know. Yes. The original expectation was never met. Now that we have the obvious quickly out of the way, let me state that it is a known fact that men who revere romance do exist. In fact the few rare souls that know the difference between scheduling a sunset and happening upon a sunset are currently being used for experimental purposes in a lab somewhere in Switzerland. I read that on the internet, so that is proof enough for me.
Although it is pleasant to have this kind of proof, it can also be highly disappointing that something exists but seems to be as hard to have as a porch light that always works. The well-beyond-scientific-fact is if isn’t in someone’s disposition to be romantic, intelligent, or (fill in your own blank here), the only option is to get over it - and fast. No one can make anyone do anything they don’t want to do - and the ACLU will take you to court for using voodoo dolls.
If romance is as foreign as concept as chocolate cherries make an ideal breakfast, you might as well give up. Without a doubt, continual expectation is the preverbal recipe for disaster. Not even a world class chef can make a decent dish when working with pork chops, horseradish, cinnamon and avocado butter –in equal proportions.
Therefore let’s modify the original Nancy Drew-like questions into: How do you not care that romance – girlie, starry-eyed, sipping-beer-from-the-same-can romance - is all but non-existent?
When we choose to stop expecting, then perhaps a surprise can be found. Sorry, but that is as good as it gets. I would love to spin a tale here and lift up Nancy where she belongs, but the truth - albeit painful - has its rewards.
The primary compensation in accepting that the R in romance is also the R in realistic, is recognizing that eventually the disappointment will lessen. So will the expectations.
That is not to take away from the fact that disappointment is certainly valid, but to understand that there are some things we are powerless to change and it is in our best interests to know when to give up. Yes, I said give up, but not in a bad way.
Darling Nancy, Boys and Girls: training a seal takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a dog takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a man takes patience, love for the craft and creature and there will never be enough treats.
Have a naughty day!
Why is it so hard for men to comprehend that women need romance? Is it really so difficult to do something that SHE thinks is special, even if he doesn’t? And one more thing, if you have to ask for romance why does it diminish the effect?
Nancy, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Nancy,
Don’t know. Yes. The original expectation was never met. Now that we have the obvious quickly out of the way, let me state that it is a known fact that men who revere romance do exist. In fact the few rare souls that know the difference between scheduling a sunset and happening upon a sunset are currently being used for experimental purposes in a lab somewhere in Switzerland. I read that on the internet, so that is proof enough for me.
Although it is pleasant to have this kind of proof, it can also be highly disappointing that something exists but seems to be as hard to have as a porch light that always works. The well-beyond-scientific-fact is if isn’t in someone’s disposition to be romantic, intelligent, or (fill in your own blank here), the only option is to get over it - and fast. No one can make anyone do anything they don’t want to do - and the ACLU will take you to court for using voodoo dolls.
If romance is as foreign as concept as chocolate cherries make an ideal breakfast, you might as well give up. Without a doubt, continual expectation is the preverbal recipe for disaster. Not even a world class chef can make a decent dish when working with pork chops, horseradish, cinnamon and avocado butter –in equal proportions.
Therefore let’s modify the original Nancy Drew-like questions into: How do you not care that romance – girlie, starry-eyed, sipping-beer-from-the-same-can romance - is all but non-existent?
When we choose to stop expecting, then perhaps a surprise can be found. Sorry, but that is as good as it gets. I would love to spin a tale here and lift up Nancy where she belongs, but the truth - albeit painful - has its rewards.
The primary compensation in accepting that the R in romance is also the R in realistic, is recognizing that eventually the disappointment will lessen. So will the expectations.
That is not to take away from the fact that disappointment is certainly valid, but to understand that there are some things we are powerless to change and it is in our best interests to know when to give up. Yes, I said give up, but not in a bad way.
Darling Nancy, Boys and Girls: training a seal takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a dog takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a man takes patience, love for the craft and creature and there will never be enough treats.
Have a naughty day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)