Dear Miss Kitty,
Regardless of the reasons why, I need to break up with my GF of 6 years right away. What I want is a clean break without a lot of drama and on-going fall out. (O.K., this is the reason I need to break up with this women in the first place. The constant drama is just too much for me). In your experience, what is the best way to do this?
Richard, Santa Barbara
Dear Richard,
Even though relationships are a big industry, there is no known “industry standard” for a well done break up. Nothing tried and true with a 100% success rate where everyone ends up with good feelings, a nice hug- bye bye- and material processions are distributed fairly. If I had such inside information, I could run for President and win. Reality is that there is no more an industry standard of Ciao as there are bras that you can grab, go and actually wear! Every relationship has a slightly different need and there are better, if not perfect ways to find the fit for the forever adieu.
The inevitable sayonara is hard enough but along with adios comes the feeling of loss, sadness, anger, frustration (fill in the blank) that demands attention. Who we are in terms of ethics and morals is also there at this well- attended event, and it can be troublesome indeed to keep it all together. How do you get though the door and out again without it slamming shut behind? Even though the actual event is usually not as bad as what we can imagine, it isn’t up there with sharing a pint of chocolate ice cream while star gazing in a hot tub.
So, when the need arises for us to finally bid someone farewell, would help if we were Super Heroes? Super Heroes with amazing powers that we could call upon to save us from certain, although temporary devastation (Not unlike the upcoming 2008 election)? Powers that just might give us a better chance with the old auf wiedersehen?
Since most of us don’t rack up relationships that need a adios as fast as politicians making promises, when we do have to say “Next”, we don’t have all that much experience to go on. When we get to the point when we know the leaving is better than the staying could ever be, a few special abilities are defiantly an asset. Making those abilities congruent with whom we are as a person on a daily basis is even better.
When dealing with a Drama Princess, perhaps the man of the hour should be, Calmo Man. Dressed in lightly worn 501’s with a bit of carefully managed facial hair, he is, even in the face of text messages from hell, (if not the actual I Phone being hurled at him), a beacon of peace. Calmo Man never raises his voice let alone the level of hostiles. His weapon of choice, is a de-café latte on a quiet Sunday morning, with a few unsuspecting mortals around, to keep Princess D a bit more collected then she would be in private. He is armed and dangerous with a box of extra soft tissues and his litany of “it’s not you, it’s me” is at the ready. Based on prior experience, he knows she will not hear much in the way of truth anyway, so he keeps it short and before you can say Sunday Brunch, he has turned Drama Princess into a meek, although lightly tear stained version of her former intense self. Amazed, but happy that she is so calmly willing to say ta ta to such a fine fellow.
Does this sound like fantasy? It is. However Darling Richard, Boys and Girls, taking a cue from Calmo Man, this is one of the best styles, (spandex tights not included) to get out of Dodge. There are going to be times when even Calmo Man’s X-Ray emotional laser extractor isn’t going to work, but knowing what you need and stating it clearly, without blame is a good place to be. Setting your boundaries for after the break up and sticking to them is almost as a good as an invisible shield against the bad guys. And speaking of bad guys, if you are labeled one or just feeling like one, you are not! You are really the brave guy, since that is what it takes to step up, speak up and end what really needs to be finished to have a happy ending.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Days of Whine and Roses
Dear Miss Kitty,
My GF’s and I saw Sex in the City (movie) the other night. We all disagreed with Carrie’s decision to forgive Big. So the little wedding turned into a big one - he should have dealt with it. We decided if a guy doesn’t show up at your wedding, except for a serious accident or death, the guy has no business in your life. We realize this is just a movie, but as a life rule, don’t you think it is dangerous to carry forgiveness that far?
The BGC- Santa Barbara
P.S. You do know you are SB’s own Carrie!
Dear BGC,
Like a coffin rising from an ancient burial ground, covered with the stagnant dust that accompanies exhuming thoughts of a wedding, gather the ghastly forms: The dreaded Bridezilla, Franken-bride and the always sad and pathetic, The Groom the Bride Forgot. These are not horror movies you rent for an uber-spooky evenings entertainment; these are actual happenings - which go on enough to make the little hairs on your arm rise up, like the back-fur on an arched Halloween cat.
When is a relationship not about a wedding? When a wedding is NOT about a relationship! Tangled together, these two concepts are the root cause for the self-induced wedding contempt that accompany the planning, executation and demise of too many green George Washington’s. The theme song for all this confusion? Wedding Day Blues. Not only is this a great title for the next big country western song, the wedding blues are a color that no one looks good in for long, and can be avoided with lots of stuff that dreams are actually made of.
There are more than a few things that this planet would be better off without – and easily in the top 100 are all the preconceived ideas and circus-like maneuvers that encompass the modern wedding. Now that is an oxymoron! In these times weddings bear more than a light similarity to weddings of by-gone days. However the nuptials of yesteryear had, within the fantasy, a grounding of understanding. Do we even know or care why we are compelled to carry on “traditions”. Is a tradition really one if you don’t even know why you are doing it? Thou thinkest not! Like so many aspects of modern life, there is a cavernous hunger to acquire - without thought and deeper meaning.
With beautiful potential to revel in the deepest of meanings and explore one of life’s great mysteries - love - a wedding is the perfect time to explore a couple’s desire for lasting love. Instead of planning the simple and personal approach that focuses on the meaning of the day, the “big engagement” often gives a crazed bride-to-be license to hurtle at light speed towards bridesmaid dresses from hell, the matching parade of flowers, favors and what ever else that can be sold for a buck to the “savvy” bride.
Stressed-out with the fear of not enough, she is armed and dangerous, tapping her French Manicured nails on the most recent copy of Modern Bride while reading how to keep him quiet while you plan your special day over the next 565 days. (Ball gags in baby blue are available if the promise of daily sex isn’t working). The compelling argument justifying any and all is that since this is the ONLY day you will ever be a bride, you had better get it right! That crushing pressure - originating form many opportunistic sources - is enough to turn the sweetest of brides-to-be into a lethal predator seeking nuptial perfection.
(By the way, that there nothing in its equivalent form for men. Considering same sex couple marriage (congratulations!!!!) in now legal in California, I can’t wait to see the newest magazines that will be sharing space at the newsstand). That being said, understanding and encompassing someone’s dreams is important and needs to be honored - but equally imperative is letting go of some dreams in the truest spirit of being one.
Therefore, Darling Boys, Girls and BGC, let me get off my soapbox to say, it was perfectly reasonable and appropriate for Carrie to forgive Big. In planning their wedding, she lost her clear vision of togetherness in favor of a vision that was all about her. That being said, it was also perfectly reasonable for her to be angry. Unless a groom is a card carrying mute, without the ability to write or use sign language, he is accountable for speaking up and putting his foot down on the heart shaped cake! Wake up and smell the overpriced pink- glitter- strewn floral arrangements!
The trappings of romance are sticky with dried champagne, and to walk through a passage to a truly new and fresh perspective together, takes time and effort. Marriage, between all couples, is an incredible part of humanity. Doesn’t it deserve the time to discuss the meaning behind the movements? Some soul searching to make those vows truly a commitment worth honoring? In taking the time to smell not the roses but the reality and true meaning of your romantic day, the foundation for a partnership of a lifetime can really get started.
Have a naughty day!
My GF’s and I saw Sex in the City (movie) the other night. We all disagreed with Carrie’s decision to forgive Big. So the little wedding turned into a big one - he should have dealt with it. We decided if a guy doesn’t show up at your wedding, except for a serious accident or death, the guy has no business in your life. We realize this is just a movie, but as a life rule, don’t you think it is dangerous to carry forgiveness that far?
The BGC- Santa Barbara
P.S. You do know you are SB’s own Carrie!
Dear BGC,
Like a coffin rising from an ancient burial ground, covered with the stagnant dust that accompanies exhuming thoughts of a wedding, gather the ghastly forms: The dreaded Bridezilla, Franken-bride and the always sad and pathetic, The Groom the Bride Forgot. These are not horror movies you rent for an uber-spooky evenings entertainment; these are actual happenings - which go on enough to make the little hairs on your arm rise up, like the back-fur on an arched Halloween cat.
When is a relationship not about a wedding? When a wedding is NOT about a relationship! Tangled together, these two concepts are the root cause for the self-induced wedding contempt that accompany the planning, executation and demise of too many green George Washington’s. The theme song for all this confusion? Wedding Day Blues. Not only is this a great title for the next big country western song, the wedding blues are a color that no one looks good in for long, and can be avoided with lots of stuff that dreams are actually made of.
There are more than a few things that this planet would be better off without – and easily in the top 100 are all the preconceived ideas and circus-like maneuvers that encompass the modern wedding. Now that is an oxymoron! In these times weddings bear more than a light similarity to weddings of by-gone days. However the nuptials of yesteryear had, within the fantasy, a grounding of understanding. Do we even know or care why we are compelled to carry on “traditions”. Is a tradition really one if you don’t even know why you are doing it? Thou thinkest not! Like so many aspects of modern life, there is a cavernous hunger to acquire - without thought and deeper meaning.
With beautiful potential to revel in the deepest of meanings and explore one of life’s great mysteries - love - a wedding is the perfect time to explore a couple’s desire for lasting love. Instead of planning the simple and personal approach that focuses on the meaning of the day, the “big engagement” often gives a crazed bride-to-be license to hurtle at light speed towards bridesmaid dresses from hell, the matching parade of flowers, favors and what ever else that can be sold for a buck to the “savvy” bride.
Stressed-out with the fear of not enough, she is armed and dangerous, tapping her French Manicured nails on the most recent copy of Modern Bride while reading how to keep him quiet while you plan your special day over the next 565 days. (Ball gags in baby blue are available if the promise of daily sex isn’t working). The compelling argument justifying any and all is that since this is the ONLY day you will ever be a bride, you had better get it right! That crushing pressure - originating form many opportunistic sources - is enough to turn the sweetest of brides-to-be into a lethal predator seeking nuptial perfection.
(By the way, that there nothing in its equivalent form for men. Considering same sex couple marriage (congratulations!!!!) in now legal in California, I can’t wait to see the newest magazines that will be sharing space at the newsstand). That being said, understanding and encompassing someone’s dreams is important and needs to be honored - but equally imperative is letting go of some dreams in the truest spirit of being one.
Therefore, Darling Boys, Girls and BGC, let me get off my soapbox to say, it was perfectly reasonable and appropriate for Carrie to forgive Big. In planning their wedding, she lost her clear vision of togetherness in favor of a vision that was all about her. That being said, it was also perfectly reasonable for her to be angry. Unless a groom is a card carrying mute, without the ability to write or use sign language, he is accountable for speaking up and putting his foot down on the heart shaped cake! Wake up and smell the overpriced pink- glitter- strewn floral arrangements!
The trappings of romance are sticky with dried champagne, and to walk through a passage to a truly new and fresh perspective together, takes time and effort. Marriage, between all couples, is an incredible part of humanity. Doesn’t it deserve the time to discuss the meaning behind the movements? Some soul searching to make those vows truly a commitment worth honoring? In taking the time to smell not the roses but the reality and true meaning of your romantic day, the foundation for a partnership of a lifetime can really get started.
Have a naughty day!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Father's Day Love and Secret Codes
Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a woman I really like. I could love her. However, I have not been successful in any relationships yet. My dad left when I was 10 and my mom raised me and my brothers alone. Do you think this has anything to do with why I don’t do well in relationships?
A.J., Santa Barbara
Dear A.J.,
It is widely known that the state of our relationships is vastly affected, in both positive and negative ways, by what we observed as children. If we were lucky enough to see real love in action, in words and deeds, we are more likely to have set a premium on believing that this high level of love in our adult life is easily attainable.
Does having a good example of what we want mean we are better equipped to find it? Does growing up with a working model mean we understand and can recognize love, or the lack of it? What happens if the blueprint for respectful romance was never drafted for our future reference? Does this mean we are doomed to never experience a healthy love, no matter what? When it comes to believing in, finding and making love last, recognizing what love is based on having real-world examples is the first step. Looking back at what our child-self decided love was, is the second and giving love with compassionate grace is the third.
Love has as many facets as there are people on this planet, maybe more since love has been around as long as there have been people. As children, when we looked past our grubby Winnie-the-Pooh at the adults who came and went, we picked up not-so-subtle clues about which interactions worked - and which didn’t. If we saw conflict followed by peaceful, healthy resolution, we are today more likely to trust that conflict is safe. Being fearless in the face of what we perceive as adverse is the most affirmative action we can emulate. What we learn from practicing courage is there is nothing that two people who love each other cannot work through - and come out the other side stronger, closer and even more in-love.
Not all aspects of love are so clear cut and as kiddies, we are little copy-cats – and seeing a grown man show respectful and joyful love towards his partner is a huge leg up on teaching little girls what to look for in a future mate and gives little boys more than a few of the secret codes that make a great man. That doesn’t mean that having observed a great relationship second-hand makes it easy to find one. One can have the ultimate best in fathers (like yours truly) and still have trouble ciphering though what real love is.
Knowing what a great man is does not guarantee that one will easily find him, but carrying a torch for what one ultimately believes is possible does stack the odds more than a bit.
Can you be a great man if you haven’t seen a great man? Can bearing witness to a terrible relationship or a mediocre parody of love teach that love is possible and a worthy life long mission to accomplish? Does the “absent father” - the phantom responsible for a never-ending list of questions regarding the guidelines and hallmarks that make an exemplary man - make it just as possible to learn what love is as the “hands on” always-there dad? Absolutely!
It comes down to this, Darling Boys and Girls and A.J. Once again, even though some of us are lucky enough to have a leg up on the system through early examples, we are all now on our own to figure out and discover what works for us. The message is clearly defined: we can look to the positive and negative role models of the past and learn. We can learn by example as easily as we can learn by a lack of one, as long as we are willing to learn - and believe - that love is always worth it.
For my dad, Ronald Doctors and all Dads, Step Dads, Grand Dads and Dads of Dogs and Cats… showing us how to be a great man by example -a great big kiss for father’s day!
I met a woman I really like. I could love her. However, I have not been successful in any relationships yet. My dad left when I was 10 and my mom raised me and my brothers alone. Do you think this has anything to do with why I don’t do well in relationships?
A.J., Santa Barbara
Dear A.J.,
It is widely known that the state of our relationships is vastly affected, in both positive and negative ways, by what we observed as children. If we were lucky enough to see real love in action, in words and deeds, we are more likely to have set a premium on believing that this high level of love in our adult life is easily attainable.
Does having a good example of what we want mean we are better equipped to find it? Does growing up with a working model mean we understand and can recognize love, or the lack of it? What happens if the blueprint for respectful romance was never drafted for our future reference? Does this mean we are doomed to never experience a healthy love, no matter what? When it comes to believing in, finding and making love last, recognizing what love is based on having real-world examples is the first step. Looking back at what our child-self decided love was, is the second and giving love with compassionate grace is the third.
Love has as many facets as there are people on this planet, maybe more since love has been around as long as there have been people. As children, when we looked past our grubby Winnie-the-Pooh at the adults who came and went, we picked up not-so-subtle clues about which interactions worked - and which didn’t. If we saw conflict followed by peaceful, healthy resolution, we are today more likely to trust that conflict is safe. Being fearless in the face of what we perceive as adverse is the most affirmative action we can emulate. What we learn from practicing courage is there is nothing that two people who love each other cannot work through - and come out the other side stronger, closer and even more in-love.
Not all aspects of love are so clear cut and as kiddies, we are little copy-cats – and seeing a grown man show respectful and joyful love towards his partner is a huge leg up on teaching little girls what to look for in a future mate and gives little boys more than a few of the secret codes that make a great man. That doesn’t mean that having observed a great relationship second-hand makes it easy to find one. One can have the ultimate best in fathers (like yours truly) and still have trouble ciphering though what real love is.
Knowing what a great man is does not guarantee that one will easily find him, but carrying a torch for what one ultimately believes is possible does stack the odds more than a bit.
Can you be a great man if you haven’t seen a great man? Can bearing witness to a terrible relationship or a mediocre parody of love teach that love is possible and a worthy life long mission to accomplish? Does the “absent father” - the phantom responsible for a never-ending list of questions regarding the guidelines and hallmarks that make an exemplary man - make it just as possible to learn what love is as the “hands on” always-there dad? Absolutely!
It comes down to this, Darling Boys and Girls and A.J. Once again, even though some of us are lucky enough to have a leg up on the system through early examples, we are all now on our own to figure out and discover what works for us. The message is clearly defined: we can look to the positive and negative role models of the past and learn. We can learn by example as easily as we can learn by a lack of one, as long as we are willing to learn - and believe - that love is always worth it.
For my dad, Ronald Doctors and all Dads, Step Dads, Grand Dads and Dads of Dogs and Cats… showing us how to be a great man by example -a great big kiss for father’s day!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Three Days to Somewhere
Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife thinks I am not spontaneous anymore. She tells me that it is an important part of a relationship and I need to work on being more of free spirit. I agree that spontaneity is part of a relationship, but doesn’t the definition mean that the other person doesn’t get to “organize” the “spontaneous” event? I would be spontaneous, if she would let it happen!
Mark and Jenny - Santa Barbara
Dear Mark and Jenny,
It would seem that in the beginning, at the start of a relationship, spontaneity is a willing little participant: always eager and helpful to make a good time even more exciting, and mysteriously better. Then, as in so many aspects of a long-term relationship, our carefree friend gets shy, nervous and uncomfortable - and moves away to warmer and less impulsive climes. So why does this once happy and easygoing creature, a crucial spicy ingredient of the early days, decide to pack up its few belongings and move away?
Could it be that the last time she suggested they take the long -road home, he sighed, rolled his baby blues towards heaven and kept on driving? Could it be that she loudly complained about “timing” when he slyly slipped a couple of great concert tickets out of his pocket, announcing that they had 30 minutes to get to the show? It seems that when it comes to making spontaneity work spontaneously, there are a few ground rules – which, as usual, are based on accepting your person with gratitude as they truly are.
Can you imagine how many marriages would fail to take place, or at least be delayed a while, if there was a “mutual flexibility” test prior to either marriage or shacking up? No, this is not a platform for yet another ludicrous reality show; it is a hypothetical device to find out if partners are truly compatible. A car, some cash and a basic map are included in the package. No pre-arranged accommodations or GPS equipment are allowed. The couple is now free to explore just how spontaneous they are, how equal is the give and take in the relationship, and find out just who (hopefully no one) is in charge.
This test must be conducted at the crucial time – after dating for a while, and prior to co-mingling, because in the early days, our test would just be one room, room-service and no travel time at all! That is not a test, but a three day love-fest , when everyone is on their picture-perfect behavior - and proves nothing except that room service French fries are never hot. The road test insures that tempers will be tested, personal likes and dislikes will clearly be displayed and best of all, the real ebb and flow between the couple will be impossible to fake. (Three days of Metallica blasting on a car CD (when Madonna is preferred by the other listen-ee) have broken up many a Romeo and Juliet!)
Want to take the test? Wish you had? Since the test has just been invented here by yours truly, we’ll assume you haven’t taken it. The apparent lack of spontaneity in a relationship is a clue: that had you taken the road less traveled, you just might have a different co-pilot. Which means, if you decide to “work” on the highly valued skill of unpremeditated action, you practice knowing that your partner will be receptive and accepting. Regardless of how intact one’s ego is, there is a crushing microsecond when an ill received idea bites the dust because it isn’t received with joyful surprise, and simultaneously so does the next time someone is willing to take a risk and be naturally spontaneous.
It is up to both the spontaneous-or and the spontaneous-ee to be kind with each other, and welcoming of the other person’s loving risk. Like accepting and believing that getting up in the middle of the night, packing a picnic and taking a walk (without a map) is a great idea. A bit tired in the morning? Don’t you wish!
Have a naughty day!
My wife thinks I am not spontaneous anymore. She tells me that it is an important part of a relationship and I need to work on being more of free spirit. I agree that spontaneity is part of a relationship, but doesn’t the definition mean that the other person doesn’t get to “organize” the “spontaneous” event? I would be spontaneous, if she would let it happen!
Mark and Jenny - Santa Barbara
Dear Mark and Jenny,
It would seem that in the beginning, at the start of a relationship, spontaneity is a willing little participant: always eager and helpful to make a good time even more exciting, and mysteriously better. Then, as in so many aspects of a long-term relationship, our carefree friend gets shy, nervous and uncomfortable - and moves away to warmer and less impulsive climes. So why does this once happy and easygoing creature, a crucial spicy ingredient of the early days, decide to pack up its few belongings and move away?
Could it be that the last time she suggested they take the long -road home, he sighed, rolled his baby blues towards heaven and kept on driving? Could it be that she loudly complained about “timing” when he slyly slipped a couple of great concert tickets out of his pocket, announcing that they had 30 minutes to get to the show? It seems that when it comes to making spontaneity work spontaneously, there are a few ground rules – which, as usual, are based on accepting your person with gratitude as they truly are.
Can you imagine how many marriages would fail to take place, or at least be delayed a while, if there was a “mutual flexibility” test prior to either marriage or shacking up? No, this is not a platform for yet another ludicrous reality show; it is a hypothetical device to find out if partners are truly compatible. A car, some cash and a basic map are included in the package. No pre-arranged accommodations or GPS equipment are allowed. The couple is now free to explore just how spontaneous they are, how equal is the give and take in the relationship, and find out just who (hopefully no one) is in charge.
This test must be conducted at the crucial time – after dating for a while, and prior to co-mingling, because in the early days, our test would just be one room, room-service and no travel time at all! That is not a test, but a three day love-fest , when everyone is on their picture-perfect behavior - and proves nothing except that room service French fries are never hot. The road test insures that tempers will be tested, personal likes and dislikes will clearly be displayed and best of all, the real ebb and flow between the couple will be impossible to fake. (Three days of Metallica blasting on a car CD (when Madonna is preferred by the other listen-ee) have broken up many a Romeo and Juliet!)
Want to take the test? Wish you had? Since the test has just been invented here by yours truly, we’ll assume you haven’t taken it. The apparent lack of spontaneity in a relationship is a clue: that had you taken the road less traveled, you just might have a different co-pilot. Which means, if you decide to “work” on the highly valued skill of unpremeditated action, you practice knowing that your partner will be receptive and accepting. Regardless of how intact one’s ego is, there is a crushing microsecond when an ill received idea bites the dust because it isn’t received with joyful surprise, and simultaneously so does the next time someone is willing to take a risk and be naturally spontaneous.
It is up to both the spontaneous-or and the spontaneous-ee to be kind with each other, and welcoming of the other person’s loving risk. Like accepting and believing that getting up in the middle of the night, packing a picnic and taking a walk (without a map) is a great idea. A bit tired in the morning? Don’t you wish!
Have a naughty day!
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