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Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Haunted woman
Darling Boys and Girls,
Halloween is almost upon us, when we shun the everyday and willing venture into the unknown. Trepidation and fear put aside for the excitement of what could be. With your unflinching spirit in tack, do you have the courage for a true tale of horror? If not, go and read the classifieds, if so, read on.
The wind was howling and the lights flickered as the power threatened to go out. Eventually it did, but she lit a dusty old candle which sparked brightly and then settled down. She looked around to get her bearings in the haunting silence. Chilled to the very bones that she called home she laid out her life and called to the spirits that on this one very special night might just answer her pleas. She called to the night that she would do anything if someone would answer her, maybe even save her. A dark presence entered the room, now bathed in shadow and a disembodied voice that was far from human, began to speak.
“Everyone has haunted rooms in the mansion they call their mind. Everyone has ghosts from the past and ghosts yet to be born. The dark spirits that haunt our present appear as fathomless opportunists of lost moments gone horribly wrong. When the repressed screams of nightmares and gut-wrenching visions sustained throughout the day can no longer be contained, the evil that is good gone wrong can finally be vanquished. Peace is possible.”
The fragile flame was no match for the eerie wind that without warning blew through the room and plunged the already dimly lit space into utter blackness. The spirit had gone. It had said all that was needed. As she sat in gloomy quiet the absolute certainty of the chilling words slowly sank down into the once brilliant dwelling of her consciousness, before it had become dank with secrets and littered with regrets. The truth, that the sector of pain and torment that resided in her thoughts, that had laid claim to her very soul, would be there forever, unless she would set them free. There was nothing to do but faced the concealed demons and bring down without remorse, the nebulous hellions that accumulate without notice.
The mystic night had presented a rare gift from the unseen and all knowing world that lives in parallel with ours. Priceless knowledge is rarely given and the spirit that gave the gift expected it to be used well. In fact the agreed upon price was very fair, knowledge in exchange for action. For the spirit she had summoned could move to the next realm of truth, if one human would change their personal destiny when given the key to true happiness -the ultimate release from self torment in its myriad forms.
As she sat, in sober reflection, but without complete belief, a single blood red thread of fear and doubt snaked its way around her throat. Her hands rose up to release the little thread which was slowly choking off her ability to call out for help. She struggled for her last breath, but the thread tightened its grip and the dim light faded to nothingness. She died as she had lived, in silent fear and great remorse.
Have a naughty Halloween.
Halloween is almost upon us, when we shun the everyday and willing venture into the unknown. Trepidation and fear put aside for the excitement of what could be. With your unflinching spirit in tack, do you have the courage for a true tale of horror? If not, go and read the classifieds, if so, read on.
The wind was howling and the lights flickered as the power threatened to go out. Eventually it did, but she lit a dusty old candle which sparked brightly and then settled down. She looked around to get her bearings in the haunting silence. Chilled to the very bones that she called home she laid out her life and called to the spirits that on this one very special night might just answer her pleas. She called to the night that she would do anything if someone would answer her, maybe even save her. A dark presence entered the room, now bathed in shadow and a disembodied voice that was far from human, began to speak.
“Everyone has haunted rooms in the mansion they call their mind. Everyone has ghosts from the past and ghosts yet to be born. The dark spirits that haunt our present appear as fathomless opportunists of lost moments gone horribly wrong. When the repressed screams of nightmares and gut-wrenching visions sustained throughout the day can no longer be contained, the evil that is good gone wrong can finally be vanquished. Peace is possible.”
The fragile flame was no match for the eerie wind that without warning blew through the room and plunged the already dimly lit space into utter blackness. The spirit had gone. It had said all that was needed. As she sat in gloomy quiet the absolute certainty of the chilling words slowly sank down into the once brilliant dwelling of her consciousness, before it had become dank with secrets and littered with regrets. The truth, that the sector of pain and torment that resided in her thoughts, that had laid claim to her very soul, would be there forever, unless she would set them free. There was nothing to do but faced the concealed demons and bring down without remorse, the nebulous hellions that accumulate without notice.
The mystic night had presented a rare gift from the unseen and all knowing world that lives in parallel with ours. Priceless knowledge is rarely given and the spirit that gave the gift expected it to be used well. In fact the agreed upon price was very fair, knowledge in exchange for action. For the spirit she had summoned could move to the next realm of truth, if one human would change their personal destiny when given the key to true happiness -the ultimate release from self torment in its myriad forms.
As she sat, in sober reflection, but without complete belief, a single blood red thread of fear and doubt snaked its way around her throat. Her hands rose up to release the little thread which was slowly choking off her ability to call out for help. She struggled for her last breath, but the thread tightened its grip and the dim light faded to nothingness. She died as she had lived, in silent fear and great remorse.
Have a naughty Halloween.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Let sleeping dogs lie
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband-to-be wants to meet my father. I haven’t seen my father for over 15 years and have no relationship with him. For the record, I am more than fine with that. I have tried to explain that it has nothing to do with hiding anything (the BF thinks this) and everything to do with this is a part of my past that I intend to keep as my past. I don’t understand why this is so hard for him to get. How do I explain it so he can understand and not feel bad about it?
KP, SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Along with certain salaries, the contents of wills and Alvin (the Chipmunk’s) middle name, some things are confidential for good reason. However, it is generally expected that within a relationship of consequence, there is an interest in wanting to share our past. When we first meet we want to tell “our” story. It is something we own that can explain why we do the things we do. A shortcut to our idiosyncrasies, our beliefs - and why we swallow gum instead of chew it like a normal person. The story of us is not shared with all and sundry; and often it takes a serious relationship where we feel safe enough to want to divulge what has made us the person we are.
However, if something is in the past and no longer a part of how we see ourselves, does it need to be revealed like Jimmy Hoffa’s last resting place? Are we not entitled when we have laid our ghosts to rest to let them rest in peace? If we are content with what was, does anyone else really need a say?
Where there is mystery or at least something we don’t understand from our point of reality, we tend to imagine all sorts of things. We fill in the cracks that don’t make sense with “something”. This something is our way of reconciling a situation so we can make sense of it. Unfortunately, this highly unrecognized but often used“technique” causes more harm, and never any good. You can’t fill in the blanks of what you do not know. It is like filling in a crossword puzzle with anything just to have all the spaces filled and get it done. The end result is nonsense and a waste of a damn good puzzle.
I would suggest that by unveiling the mystery (that isn’t) your BF will feel more comfortable with the idea that you are a person that does not have the need to have the person that donated half of your genes, if nothing else, in your life. I would also encourage your BF to let you know what he has “imagined” so both of you can put his fantasy in perspective. There is no need for a detailed accounting or saying more than is comfortable for you, but rare is the individual that can just accept what is, without question.
Darling K, Boys and Girls, we are all entitled to the choices we make in our own best interests. After all, who could ever know us better than we know ourselves? We also have certain requirements in the interest of being a good human to make those that are close to us feel safe. Explanations don’t necessarily put one on the defensive - after all, what we are sharing is information and facts as we see them. Disclosure isn’t always about being understood, it is often so the loved one can fill in the blanks with something real, and so you can both move on.
My husband-to-be wants to meet my father. I haven’t seen my father for over 15 years and have no relationship with him. For the record, I am more than fine with that. I have tried to explain that it has nothing to do with hiding anything (the BF thinks this) and everything to do with this is a part of my past that I intend to keep as my past. I don’t understand why this is so hard for him to get. How do I explain it so he can understand and not feel bad about it?
KP, SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Along with certain salaries, the contents of wills and Alvin (the Chipmunk’s) middle name, some things are confidential for good reason. However, it is generally expected that within a relationship of consequence, there is an interest in wanting to share our past. When we first meet we want to tell “our” story. It is something we own that can explain why we do the things we do. A shortcut to our idiosyncrasies, our beliefs - and why we swallow gum instead of chew it like a normal person. The story of us is not shared with all and sundry; and often it takes a serious relationship where we feel safe enough to want to divulge what has made us the person we are.
However, if something is in the past and no longer a part of how we see ourselves, does it need to be revealed like Jimmy Hoffa’s last resting place? Are we not entitled when we have laid our ghosts to rest to let them rest in peace? If we are content with what was, does anyone else really need a say?
Where there is mystery or at least something we don’t understand from our point of reality, we tend to imagine all sorts of things. We fill in the cracks that don’t make sense with “something”. This something is our way of reconciling a situation so we can make sense of it. Unfortunately, this highly unrecognized but often used“technique” causes more harm, and never any good. You can’t fill in the blanks of what you do not know. It is like filling in a crossword puzzle with anything just to have all the spaces filled and get it done. The end result is nonsense and a waste of a damn good puzzle.
I would suggest that by unveiling the mystery (that isn’t) your BF will feel more comfortable with the idea that you are a person that does not have the need to have the person that donated half of your genes, if nothing else, in your life. I would also encourage your BF to let you know what he has “imagined” so both of you can put his fantasy in perspective. There is no need for a detailed accounting or saying more than is comfortable for you, but rare is the individual that can just accept what is, without question.
Darling K, Boys and Girls, we are all entitled to the choices we make in our own best interests. After all, who could ever know us better than we know ourselves? We also have certain requirements in the interest of being a good human to make those that are close to us feel safe. Explanations don’t necessarily put one on the defensive - after all, what we are sharing is information and facts as we see them. Disclosure isn’t always about being understood, it is often so the loved one can fill in the blanks with something real, and so you can both move on.
Friday, October 15, 2010
A Possible Happy Birthday
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband's 50th birthday is coming up and I want it to be special for him. When I asked him what would make the day meaningful he didn’t give me much to go on. He said whatever I plan will be great. I know this isn’t true since 3 years ago I took him to Las Vegas and he said it was too crowded and didn’t like the smoke. I know birthdays are important to him and I want to get it right. Not over or under do. It seems in these situations it is impossible to know what the right thing is. Do you have any ideas?
Cynthia, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Cynthia,
A basic stand-by is to put a large bow on your naked self while offering a homemade apple pie and singing Marilyn Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday to You. This can be done privately at home or in public if the restaurant is given enough notice, a 30% gratuity, and doesn’t have a kids menu. Other than this fairly safe and often highly appreciated suggestion, you are on your own. I don’t know the birthday boy in question and there is no such thing as the “perfect gift”. What I can tell you is it is certain that birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even the ill-revered Valentine’s Day, will bring forth a bit of confusion for most of us gift-givers.
When you think about it, isn’t it surprising that the person we spend so much of our existence with can give us the most trouble when it comes to giving them a happy birthday? Is not knowing what to do a sign that we don’t really know them? Are we lacking something if we don’t know? I don’t think so, but I do wonder is why is it so difficult for the intended receiver to throw us a bone when asked?
Granted some people are much easier to gift than others. Plenty of people are happy that someone remembered a birthday or an anniversary, let alone needing a token of acknowledgement. Others are downright insistent that their day is deserving of nothing less than a hiring a skywriter. Casting no judgment here, what is important is that when asked, the birthday boy or girl has an opinion. After all, it is their day.
So maybe the real question is why don’t we feel comfortable about letting someone know what we really want? Kids are great at this. Without hesitation or secret clues they will clearly tell you what and where and how. When we grow up why are we afraid to voice our wants? Why does someone wanting to do something nice for us cause us anxiety? Are we truly timid when asking for what we want? Is it really so difficult to ask for an Easy Bake oven or a trip to Paris? It appears to be a tall order for most people, even within a healthy relationship to give an honest answer. How ironic is that!
Perhaps the practical approach is to simply say that you really need to know (and please be specific). Veiled hints and guessing games place too much burden on both parties and are unnecessary. In fact, they detract from the joy the giver might very well experience. At least this approach might lead to a dialog where (with some careful maneuvering) you will find out that he really does want you to wear a bow, make a pie and sing like Marilyn.
Darling Cynthia, Boys and Girls, just because you have lived with someone for a long time doesn't mean you can second guess their secret wishes. Wanting to know what would make someone else happy is caring and thoughtful. So be the Spanish Inquisition and dig a bit. If you still get, “Anything is fine” then take it for the truth it just may be.
My husband's 50th birthday is coming up and I want it to be special for him. When I asked him what would make the day meaningful he didn’t give me much to go on. He said whatever I plan will be great. I know this isn’t true since 3 years ago I took him to Las Vegas and he said it was too crowded and didn’t like the smoke. I know birthdays are important to him and I want to get it right. Not over or under do. It seems in these situations it is impossible to know what the right thing is. Do you have any ideas?
Cynthia, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Cynthia,
A basic stand-by is to put a large bow on your naked self while offering a homemade apple pie and singing Marilyn Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday to You. This can be done privately at home or in public if the restaurant is given enough notice, a 30% gratuity, and doesn’t have a kids menu. Other than this fairly safe and often highly appreciated suggestion, you are on your own. I don’t know the birthday boy in question and there is no such thing as the “perfect gift”. What I can tell you is it is certain that birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even the ill-revered Valentine’s Day, will bring forth a bit of confusion for most of us gift-givers.
When you think about it, isn’t it surprising that the person we spend so much of our existence with can give us the most trouble when it comes to giving them a happy birthday? Is not knowing what to do a sign that we don’t really know them? Are we lacking something if we don’t know? I don’t think so, but I do wonder is why is it so difficult for the intended receiver to throw us a bone when asked?
Granted some people are much easier to gift than others. Plenty of people are happy that someone remembered a birthday or an anniversary, let alone needing a token of acknowledgement. Others are downright insistent that their day is deserving of nothing less than a hiring a skywriter. Casting no judgment here, what is important is that when asked, the birthday boy or girl has an opinion. After all, it is their day.
So maybe the real question is why don’t we feel comfortable about letting someone know what we really want? Kids are great at this. Without hesitation or secret clues they will clearly tell you what and where and how. When we grow up why are we afraid to voice our wants? Why does someone wanting to do something nice for us cause us anxiety? Are we truly timid when asking for what we want? Is it really so difficult to ask for an Easy Bake oven or a trip to Paris? It appears to be a tall order for most people, even within a healthy relationship to give an honest answer. How ironic is that!
Perhaps the practical approach is to simply say that you really need to know (and please be specific). Veiled hints and guessing games place too much burden on both parties and are unnecessary. In fact, they detract from the joy the giver might very well experience. At least this approach might lead to a dialog where (with some careful maneuvering) you will find out that he really does want you to wear a bow, make a pie and sing like Marilyn.
Darling Cynthia, Boys and Girls, just because you have lived with someone for a long time doesn't mean you can second guess their secret wishes. Wanting to know what would make someone else happy is caring and thoughtful. So be the Spanish Inquisition and dig a bit. If you still get, “Anything is fine” then take it for the truth it just may be.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Looking at the opposite sex: The two second rule
Dear Miss Kitty,
My girlfriend says it is really rude that I look at other women. She says that I am being disrespectful of her. I told her I love her and guys just look at attractive women. That is how it is, it has always been that way and basically we can't help it. She reads your column so could you tell her that it is normal and not to worry about it. Thanks.
Jeff, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jeff,
Of course I will tell her that a man looking at women is normal and that you “just can't help it”. Are there any other things that you would like me to lie to her about while I’m at it? Since I already feel the flames of hell licking at my high heels for pretending to defend you, shall I also tell her that you are the man of her dreams and she should bow, scrape and be eternally grateful for having such a highly educated and emotionally mature man in her life? By the way Jeff, since we have left planet earth and are entirely in the realm of fantasy, let me enlighten you on a few of the myths that thrive in the manure-laden pastures of common thought.
It is a universally held belief that boys will be boys and look at girls. When boys are boys and not attached men, they can respectfully check out the opposite sex. So can girls. Oh my goodness Jeff - did you just drop your Corona? With a sterile goat as my witness, know and believe this: Girls look, leer and lust as much as boys do. Girls however, tend to do it with a bit more finesse. With adroit cleverness they gaze upon many a handsome creature - however the man-cake on display never feels anything, since she is subtle. Hello! Subtle!
On the other hand, boys (and men that think like boys), rarely master the art of a simple look. It becomes an ogling, eye-popping, tongue-dragging foray into Estrogen Valley, where the natives are friendly - but don't take kindly to being objectified and sexualized. For damn good reasons, I might add. Women are always more than just a piece of you-know-what - and if men had any sense they would grasp that and stop making excuses for immature behavior.
Does that mean that when in the company of a partner that we should exchange our Blackberry for a white cane and shuffle along the sidewalk, stooped over and head-hanging? Should we avert our eyes just in case we’re caught “not-looking?” Can we only notice naked models of perfection when they are Greek, made of stone and at least 2000 years old? As humans, part of our natural instinct is noticing what is attractive in our surroundings - be it human, excellent shoes, or the way the light looks on a fall afternoon. Looking briefly, nicely and then moving on is what is reasonable. Drooling or pretending not to drool but needing a bib is not reasonable. Especially, when in a relationship.
Here is a good rule of thumb: Remember the 2 second rule when food is dropped to the floor? It applies here as well, two seconds to look (if you must) and then let go of any further thoughts. And thoughts should never be like left over restaurant food-and reheated later on that night.
With the strength of the un-enlightened masses backing up the premise that “thoughts” don't matter, it is easy to rationalize away any and all guilt that what we think doesn't affect anyone else - let alone our own minds and psyche. Just who came up with what she doesn't know won't hurt her? Martha Stewart when she was out of crepe paper, chicken wire and gumdrops?
Thoughts are the most powerful things on the entire planet. They are the beginning and the end of all we know. Nothing except a true natural disaster is born without thought. Not an invention, a Nation, and certainly not a relationship of any value. Before love is an action, it is a thought. A kiss starts as a thought. Can anyone really believe anything else? All images and thoughts that enter the mind stay there forever. Just because the recall is sketchy doesn't mean that it doesn't exist lounging around in the gray matter, capable of causing something related to manifest. Even the thoughts we think we have control of show up as dreams, life choices and personal torments that are anything but fun.
Darling Jeff, Boys and Girls, Thoughts have the ability to impact us in more ways then there are visions to contemplate. The quick little fantasy of the brunette at Starbucks this morning glistens in the brain, the way a wedding band shines in the sunlight. It only takes the right stimulation to evoke the fantasy - or what’s behind the sparkle. We are either free, and truly in control of our thoughts (which now we know are reality in the making) or we are eternally no more than lab rats, being pushed and pulled by whatever is dropped into our cage.
Have a naughty day!
My girlfriend says it is really rude that I look at other women. She says that I am being disrespectful of her. I told her I love her and guys just look at attractive women. That is how it is, it has always been that way and basically we can't help it. She reads your column so could you tell her that it is normal and not to worry about it. Thanks.
Jeff, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jeff,
Of course I will tell her that a man looking at women is normal and that you “just can't help it”. Are there any other things that you would like me to lie to her about while I’m at it? Since I already feel the flames of hell licking at my high heels for pretending to defend you, shall I also tell her that you are the man of her dreams and she should bow, scrape and be eternally grateful for having such a highly educated and emotionally mature man in her life? By the way Jeff, since we have left planet earth and are entirely in the realm of fantasy, let me enlighten you on a few of the myths that thrive in the manure-laden pastures of common thought.
It is a universally held belief that boys will be boys and look at girls. When boys are boys and not attached men, they can respectfully check out the opposite sex. So can girls. Oh my goodness Jeff - did you just drop your Corona? With a sterile goat as my witness, know and believe this: Girls look, leer and lust as much as boys do. Girls however, tend to do it with a bit more finesse. With adroit cleverness they gaze upon many a handsome creature - however the man-cake on display never feels anything, since she is subtle. Hello! Subtle!
On the other hand, boys (and men that think like boys), rarely master the art of a simple look. It becomes an ogling, eye-popping, tongue-dragging foray into Estrogen Valley, where the natives are friendly - but don't take kindly to being objectified and sexualized. For damn good reasons, I might add. Women are always more than just a piece of you-know-what - and if men had any sense they would grasp that and stop making excuses for immature behavior.
Does that mean that when in the company of a partner that we should exchange our Blackberry for a white cane and shuffle along the sidewalk, stooped over and head-hanging? Should we avert our eyes just in case we’re caught “not-looking?” Can we only notice naked models of perfection when they are Greek, made of stone and at least 2000 years old? As humans, part of our natural instinct is noticing what is attractive in our surroundings - be it human, excellent shoes, or the way the light looks on a fall afternoon. Looking briefly, nicely and then moving on is what is reasonable. Drooling or pretending not to drool but needing a bib is not reasonable. Especially, when in a relationship.
Here is a good rule of thumb: Remember the 2 second rule when food is dropped to the floor? It applies here as well, two seconds to look (if you must) and then let go of any further thoughts. And thoughts should never be like left over restaurant food-and reheated later on that night.
With the strength of the un-enlightened masses backing up the premise that “thoughts” don't matter, it is easy to rationalize away any and all guilt that what we think doesn't affect anyone else - let alone our own minds and psyche. Just who came up with what she doesn't know won't hurt her? Martha Stewart when she was out of crepe paper, chicken wire and gumdrops?
Thoughts are the most powerful things on the entire planet. They are the beginning and the end of all we know. Nothing except a true natural disaster is born without thought. Not an invention, a Nation, and certainly not a relationship of any value. Before love is an action, it is a thought. A kiss starts as a thought. Can anyone really believe anything else? All images and thoughts that enter the mind stay there forever. Just because the recall is sketchy doesn't mean that it doesn't exist lounging around in the gray matter, capable of causing something related to manifest. Even the thoughts we think we have control of show up as dreams, life choices and personal torments that are anything but fun.
Darling Jeff, Boys and Girls, Thoughts have the ability to impact us in more ways then there are visions to contemplate. The quick little fantasy of the brunette at Starbucks this morning glistens in the brain, the way a wedding band shines in the sunlight. It only takes the right stimulation to evoke the fantasy - or what’s behind the sparkle. We are either free, and truly in control of our thoughts (which now we know are reality in the making) or we are eternally no more than lab rats, being pushed and pulled by whatever is dropped into our cage.
Have a naughty day!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Trust needed in marriage
Dear Miss Kitty,
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, September 17, 2010
To trust or not to trust
Dear Miss Kitty,
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Words are cheap
Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and every now and then he gets very frosty towards me. The next day he tells me that it was nothing I did, it was something from his past. He then forgets about it and wants me to do the same. At first I could, but now it has happened enough times to make me think if he really cared about me he would do more than just telling me it wasn't my fault and saying sorry. Other than this our relationship is great, but if he keeps doing this I will probably get fed up and leave and he won't even know why!
T.K. SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
The “Curse of the Lottery” is without a doubt a highly strange phenomenon. Why are there are more than a few examples of lottery winners that go from hero to zero? When we are gifted something incredible are we more likely to squander it away? Or was the inclination to ruin good fortune buried like treasure from the devil-just waiting for an opportunity to show up?
A common topic at dinner parties, first dates and traffic delays on the 101, is to discuss just what one might do with a fortuitous financial windfall- like winning the lottery. It is an equally common discussion to sketch out the perfect relationship. In fact there are more entries on Match.com from perspective Mr. Rights threatening to treat a lady like a lady (whatever that means) then there is factual information on beverage preferences. So when someone, against all odds has a great relationship, why do they so easily lose sight of keeping it great?
Are too many of us like the lottery winner that rips through millions of dollars on wine, women and song and ends up dead in the trunk of some disgruntled second cousins old Ford truck? Is it really that much trouble to make it right when you have made it wrong? In other words, what do baby birds and “I’m sorry” have in common? They are both cheap-cheap-cheap.
Putting it in print and perspective, it is relatively difficult to have a meaningful, stable, and loving relationship. There I have said it. No sugar coating here folks, it is hard and seems to get more difficult all the time. Therefore if one actually has come across such rare wonder, one does need to go the distance after a faux pas of any kind.
Darling T, Boys and Girls, when your sweetie or anyone important to you, causes emotional harm, ask for what you would like to make it better. Give up on the expectation that anyone (except for me) can read your mind and tell them what you need from them. We are not going for punishment here, unless that’s your idea of making amends, we are going for somewhere special or a loving token like flowers or beer, along- side an extra warm and honest “I am sorry”.
Two things are likely to happen. 1. He or she will think a bit harder before making the original sin again and 2. You will be able to return to normal a bit faster. Remember this, everything is an opportunity to show you care and everything is an opportunity to show you don’t.
Have a naughty day!
My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and every now and then he gets very frosty towards me. The next day he tells me that it was nothing I did, it was something from his past. He then forgets about it and wants me to do the same. At first I could, but now it has happened enough times to make me think if he really cared about me he would do more than just telling me it wasn't my fault and saying sorry. Other than this our relationship is great, but if he keeps doing this I will probably get fed up and leave and he won't even know why!
T.K. SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
The “Curse of the Lottery” is without a doubt a highly strange phenomenon. Why are there are more than a few examples of lottery winners that go from hero to zero? When we are gifted something incredible are we more likely to squander it away? Or was the inclination to ruin good fortune buried like treasure from the devil-just waiting for an opportunity to show up?
A common topic at dinner parties, first dates and traffic delays on the 101, is to discuss just what one might do with a fortuitous financial windfall- like winning the lottery. It is an equally common discussion to sketch out the perfect relationship. In fact there are more entries on Match.com from perspective Mr. Rights threatening to treat a lady like a lady (whatever that means) then there is factual information on beverage preferences. So when someone, against all odds has a great relationship, why do they so easily lose sight of keeping it great?
Are too many of us like the lottery winner that rips through millions of dollars on wine, women and song and ends up dead in the trunk of some disgruntled second cousins old Ford truck? Is it really that much trouble to make it right when you have made it wrong? In other words, what do baby birds and “I’m sorry” have in common? They are both cheap-cheap-cheap.
Putting it in print and perspective, it is relatively difficult to have a meaningful, stable, and loving relationship. There I have said it. No sugar coating here folks, it is hard and seems to get more difficult all the time. Therefore if one actually has come across such rare wonder, one does need to go the distance after a faux pas of any kind.
Darling T, Boys and Girls, when your sweetie or anyone important to you, causes emotional harm, ask for what you would like to make it better. Give up on the expectation that anyone (except for me) can read your mind and tell them what you need from them. We are not going for punishment here, unless that’s your idea of making amends, we are going for somewhere special or a loving token like flowers or beer, along- side an extra warm and honest “I am sorry”.
Two things are likely to happen. 1. He or she will think a bit harder before making the original sin again and 2. You will be able to return to normal a bit faster. Remember this, everything is an opportunity to show you care and everything is an opportunity to show you don’t.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Meeting the parents
Dear Miss Kitty,
Next week I am going out of state to meet my bf's parents for the first time. I am afraid that I won't know how to react to them. A functioning family that has all its pieces put together is something that is about as foreign to me as speaking Swahili. I grew up with no family but myself and I do not know how to let people love me. I have amazing manners and I know they will like me, but I have NO clue how to accept any of it. It's really stressful thinking about all of this and I want this to be the happy experience it should be. How can I just get over it?
-Not alone anymore
Dear Not Alone,
“Meet the parents” conjures up as much insecurity as Bubba’s Burger’s opening day in the heart of downtown Bangladesh. Bubba would like to “get over” that he just sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars in a place where cows are worshipped off the bun, but that isn’t going to happen. Truth is, no one gets over anything. We do however, have the potential to work our way though and into a better reality. And hopefully for Bubba- a better location analysis the next time around.
When the “Dynamic Duo” (and we are not talking Batman and Robin here) are on the immediate horizon, fantasy expectations are supersized along with the ghostly residue of whatever we lacked in the fragile years before adulthood. I can do a great New York Jewish mother accent here and tell you (while painfully pinching your cheek): “Just be yourself-they will love you!!! What’s not to love?” But even through your giggles, I think something more substantial is needed to get you though this rite of passage.
Presenting our sweetheart to The Folk’s means we are asking for their blessing and our sweetheart gets a heads up about possible future in-laws. Anyone can pretend - and they will - that this time honored introduction doesn’t carry much weight, but they would be grossly misinformed. It is an all-out nod for approval in all directions. Therefore it is no wonder that it can cause more than a slight tummy upset.
And speaking of approval, there is no such thing as a perfectly functioning family. Every family has the side they need to world to see, and the not so warm and fuzzy bits they hide away. Like the extensive collection of life-like dolls that are squirreled away after a heads-up that “the new girl” has a thing about life-like dolls. The reality on meeting “the parents” is very much like the reality of a first date. There isn’t much of one. Usually everyone, including the potted plant you bring for a hostess gift, will be on his or her best behavior, which is really covering up the true anxiety, big or small that everyone will be feeling. See how much you have in common all ready?
You also said, “I do not know how to let people love me.” I think you do since you have a BF that obviously thinks so much of you he wants to “take you home to mom and dad.” You have let him love you and where there is one let in, there will be more. But let me ease your stress level just a bit: You don’t need for them to love you, and liking you would be nice but even that is optional – not necessary. Regardless, as you said yourself, it is taken care of. “I have amazing manners and I know they will like me.” Continuing to confidently believe that will go a long way toward making it your reality.
Darling Not, Boys, and Girls, Leonardo da Vinci is quoted as saying, “Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is first known”. With that comforting thought in mind, pack the more conservative of your clothes, the aforementioned potted plant, and just be the charming self your BF fell in love with.
Have a naughty day!
Next week I am going out of state to meet my bf's parents for the first time. I am afraid that I won't know how to react to them. A functioning family that has all its pieces put together is something that is about as foreign to me as speaking Swahili. I grew up with no family but myself and I do not know how to let people love me. I have amazing manners and I know they will like me, but I have NO clue how to accept any of it. It's really stressful thinking about all of this and I want this to be the happy experience it should be. How can I just get over it?
-Not alone anymore
Dear Not Alone,
“Meet the parents” conjures up as much insecurity as Bubba’s Burger’s opening day in the heart of downtown Bangladesh. Bubba would like to “get over” that he just sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars in a place where cows are worshipped off the bun, but that isn’t going to happen. Truth is, no one gets over anything. We do however, have the potential to work our way though and into a better reality. And hopefully for Bubba- a better location analysis the next time around.
When the “Dynamic Duo” (and we are not talking Batman and Robin here) are on the immediate horizon, fantasy expectations are supersized along with the ghostly residue of whatever we lacked in the fragile years before adulthood. I can do a great New York Jewish mother accent here and tell you (while painfully pinching your cheek): “Just be yourself-they will love you!!! What’s not to love?” But even through your giggles, I think something more substantial is needed to get you though this rite of passage.
Presenting our sweetheart to The Folk’s means we are asking for their blessing and our sweetheart gets a heads up about possible future in-laws. Anyone can pretend - and they will - that this time honored introduction doesn’t carry much weight, but they would be grossly misinformed. It is an all-out nod for approval in all directions. Therefore it is no wonder that it can cause more than a slight tummy upset.
And speaking of approval, there is no such thing as a perfectly functioning family. Every family has the side they need to world to see, and the not so warm and fuzzy bits they hide away. Like the extensive collection of life-like dolls that are squirreled away after a heads-up that “the new girl” has a thing about life-like dolls. The reality on meeting “the parents” is very much like the reality of a first date. There isn’t much of one. Usually everyone, including the potted plant you bring for a hostess gift, will be on his or her best behavior, which is really covering up the true anxiety, big or small that everyone will be feeling. See how much you have in common all ready?
You also said, “I do not know how to let people love me.” I think you do since you have a BF that obviously thinks so much of you he wants to “take you home to mom and dad.” You have let him love you and where there is one let in, there will be more. But let me ease your stress level just a bit: You don’t need for them to love you, and liking you would be nice but even that is optional – not necessary. Regardless, as you said yourself, it is taken care of. “I have amazing manners and I know they will like me.” Continuing to confidently believe that will go a long way toward making it your reality.
Darling Not, Boys, and Girls, Leonardo da Vinci is quoted as saying, “Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is first known”. With that comforting thought in mind, pack the more conservative of your clothes, the aforementioned potted plant, and just be the charming self your BF fell in love with.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, August 27, 2010
The long commute to communication
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I had a huge fight this week. It was awful and brought up a lot of stuff for us both. The reason I am writing isn’t about what actually happened, I can figure that out myself. What I want to know is how can you think you have a great relationship, the kind where you feel you are two of a kind, and then end up in such a bad place? It was like neither one of us could hear the other one and I always thought communication was one of our strong points. I would be grateful if you wouldn’t mind thinking through this for me.
A loyal reader, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Loyal,
With thinking cap firmly a top my head, I am happy to be your beck and call girl. I can tell you that you are not alone in your experience or in your question. The best of relationships can find themselves in murky waters, where the bottom is hidden and when something is accidently touched, it is mysteriously slimy and the instinctual option is to pull away in fear.
So when a relationship that has prided itself on long talks deep into the night, exacting discussions on world politics and intense forays into the spiritual unknowns finds itself using potty language worthy of a 10 year old with Tourettes, something is very wrong. It is a 4 -shot espresso that it is time to learn the highly under-utilized skill of communication.
If a relationship is able to provide what all of the people want most of the time, it still has a valid shelf life. The amicable joint journeys into verbal camaraderie prove that there is something of great worth to be continually nurtured. But how much of our communication skill set is ever tested when discussing insane liberal policies, the 10th spiritual plane, or if David Bowie was ever a spy for the Soviet Union? Aside from the always polite-wait-your-turn-until-speaking and a particularly interesting if not deviant opinion on the consumption of veal, there is not much that teaches us how to communicate.
Believe it or not, good communication has something in common with revenge. Both are a dish that is best served cold. In other words, during an extremely heated and emotional moment, everyone has the potential to say and hear things that are just not true. If anger is really fear with teeth, than what is said or implied, is more often than not, just a way to wound. A childish version of you-hurt-me-first…
Choosing to react to a reaction just makes a chain of fools of everyone involved. It is in our human nature, when under attack to either strike back in response or defend ourselves. (Think of both as evil cake with pretty frosting that shouldn’t be eaten, let alone baked in the first place). The issue with this approach is that no one is heard and nothing is accomplished. To have good maybe even great communication takes true maturity. It means detaching from the scared little self that feels under attack and simultaneously letting go of a desired outcome. Taking turns listening, without responding (no cake allowed) takes lots of 0practice! In a happy relationship, since the trials tend to be far and few between, this practice never takes place.
Darling Loyal, Boys and Girls, it is no wonder that a relationship that thinks it can walk really well, slips and falls when it finds itself in dangerous and unfamiliar territory. There was never any practice for such an experience and although a couple may be fantastic at day to day problem solving, deep philosophical musings and both love chocolate milk at bedtime, doesn’t mean they are prepared in the least for a real trial during the experience we call marriage.
Have a naughty day!
My husband and I had a huge fight this week. It was awful and brought up a lot of stuff for us both. The reason I am writing isn’t about what actually happened, I can figure that out myself. What I want to know is how can you think you have a great relationship, the kind where you feel you are two of a kind, and then end up in such a bad place? It was like neither one of us could hear the other one and I always thought communication was one of our strong points. I would be grateful if you wouldn’t mind thinking through this for me.
A loyal reader, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Loyal,
With thinking cap firmly a top my head, I am happy to be your beck and call girl. I can tell you that you are not alone in your experience or in your question. The best of relationships can find themselves in murky waters, where the bottom is hidden and when something is accidently touched, it is mysteriously slimy and the instinctual option is to pull away in fear.
So when a relationship that has prided itself on long talks deep into the night, exacting discussions on world politics and intense forays into the spiritual unknowns finds itself using potty language worthy of a 10 year old with Tourettes, something is very wrong. It is a 4 -shot espresso that it is time to learn the highly under-utilized skill of communication.
If a relationship is able to provide what all of the people want most of the time, it still has a valid shelf life. The amicable joint journeys into verbal camaraderie prove that there is something of great worth to be continually nurtured. But how much of our communication skill set is ever tested when discussing insane liberal policies, the 10th spiritual plane, or if David Bowie was ever a spy for the Soviet Union? Aside from the always polite-wait-your-turn-until-speaking and a particularly interesting if not deviant opinion on the consumption of veal, there is not much that teaches us how to communicate.
Believe it or not, good communication has something in common with revenge. Both are a dish that is best served cold. In other words, during an extremely heated and emotional moment, everyone has the potential to say and hear things that are just not true. If anger is really fear with teeth, than what is said or implied, is more often than not, just a way to wound. A childish version of you-hurt-me-first…
Choosing to react to a reaction just makes a chain of fools of everyone involved. It is in our human nature, when under attack to either strike back in response or defend ourselves. (Think of both as evil cake with pretty frosting that shouldn’t be eaten, let alone baked in the first place). The issue with this approach is that no one is heard and nothing is accomplished. To have good maybe even great communication takes true maturity. It means detaching from the scared little self that feels under attack and simultaneously letting go of a desired outcome. Taking turns listening, without responding (no cake allowed) takes lots of 0practice! In a happy relationship, since the trials tend to be far and few between, this practice never takes place.
Darling Loyal, Boys and Girls, it is no wonder that a relationship that thinks it can walk really well, slips and falls when it finds itself in dangerous and unfamiliar territory. There was never any practice for such an experience and although a couple may be fantastic at day to day problem solving, deep philosophical musings and both love chocolate milk at bedtime, doesn’t mean they are prepared in the least for a real trial during the experience we call marriage.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Leave me alone
Dear Miss Kitty,
I broke up with this guy and he is making it very difficult. He shows up at mutual friends events and then won’t leave me alone. I don’t want to give up MY friends and my life but he doesn’t seem to understand the word no. Any ideas?
Getting Desperate, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Desperate:
If we were cousins in Little Italy I would suggest a quick and easy-to-delete text message to Uncle Vinnie requesting “Da Shoes”, but unfortunately we are far removed from such an elementary, but efficient solution. Equally unfortunate is the fact that your ex doesn’t realize he is an ex and doesn’t have the emotional maturity to accept that “over” means immediately over. There is probably nothing more final then a women giving a man the old, “It IS you, not me and we are done.” But if he didn’t hear the clod of dirt fall on the coffin yet, he isn’t going to anytime soon.
So after taking the necessary shots of courage and tequila and going to the trouble to honestly shoot a relationship down, why is it that some people just won’t accept that dead means dead? If the relationship was worth terminating for one, wasn’t it “turn out the lights, the party’s over” for everyone? Why would someone want to stay with someone who doesn’t want them? How could someone not realize that someone would never want to be with someone that wants to be with someone that doesn’t want them! Although that truism is way too long to be a tattoo (on most people), it is worth reading over a few times until you get it. Really.
Darling Desperate, Boys and Girls, I am going to venture a guess that this response won’t be popular – however, the only way to speed the closure (short of a threatening call from Uncle Vinnie) is to avoid the conflict completely. Even, if that means taking a break from socializing for the time being with your mutual friends. The “gentleman” in question does not seem to be someone that is willing, under the circumstances to respect your boundaries anytime soon. While it seems very unfair for you to be the one that has to (temporarily) change your life, ultimately your absence may be the only way for him to move on.
By treating him as though he is an extinct dinosaur, and that means no contact of any kind, he may then become your past instead of your present. Once again, since we cannot control other people our only option, is to modify our own behavior. Not always fun or fair, but always the path of least resistance.
Have a naughty day!
I broke up with this guy and he is making it very difficult. He shows up at mutual friends events and then won’t leave me alone. I don’t want to give up MY friends and my life but he doesn’t seem to understand the word no. Any ideas?
Getting Desperate, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Desperate:
If we were cousins in Little Italy I would suggest a quick and easy-to-delete text message to Uncle Vinnie requesting “Da Shoes”, but unfortunately we are far removed from such an elementary, but efficient solution. Equally unfortunate is the fact that your ex doesn’t realize he is an ex and doesn’t have the emotional maturity to accept that “over” means immediately over. There is probably nothing more final then a women giving a man the old, “It IS you, not me and we are done.” But if he didn’t hear the clod of dirt fall on the coffin yet, he isn’t going to anytime soon.
So after taking the necessary shots of courage and tequila and going to the trouble to honestly shoot a relationship down, why is it that some people just won’t accept that dead means dead? If the relationship was worth terminating for one, wasn’t it “turn out the lights, the party’s over” for everyone? Why would someone want to stay with someone who doesn’t want them? How could someone not realize that someone would never want to be with someone that wants to be with someone that doesn’t want them! Although that truism is way too long to be a tattoo (on most people), it is worth reading over a few times until you get it. Really.
Darling Desperate, Boys and Girls, I am going to venture a guess that this response won’t be popular – however, the only way to speed the closure (short of a threatening call from Uncle Vinnie) is to avoid the conflict completely. Even, if that means taking a break from socializing for the time being with your mutual friends. The “gentleman” in question does not seem to be someone that is willing, under the circumstances to respect your boundaries anytime soon. While it seems very unfair for you to be the one that has to (temporarily) change your life, ultimately your absence may be the only way for him to move on.
By treating him as though he is an extinct dinosaur, and that means no contact of any kind, he may then become your past instead of your present. Once again, since we cannot control other people our only option, is to modify our own behavior. Not always fun or fair, but always the path of least resistance.
Have a naughty day!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Finding men who appreciate romance
Dear Miss Kitty,
Why is it so hard for men to comprehend that women need romance? Is it really so difficult to do something that SHE thinks is special, even if he doesn’t? And one more thing, if you have to ask for romance why does it diminish the effect?
Nancy, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Nancy,
Don’t know. Yes. The original expectation was never met. Now that we have the obvious quickly out of the way, let me state that it is a known fact that men who revere romance do exist. In fact the few rare souls that know the difference between scheduling a sunset and happening upon a sunset are currently being used for experimental purposes in a lab somewhere in Switzerland. I read that on the internet, so that is proof enough for me.
Although it is pleasant to have this kind of proof, it can also be highly disappointing that something exists but seems to be as hard to have as a porch light that always works. The well-beyond-scientific-fact is if isn’t in someone’s disposition to be romantic, intelligent, or (fill in your own blank here), the only option is to get over it - and fast. No one can make anyone do anything they don’t want to do - and the ACLU will take you to court for using voodoo dolls.
If romance is as foreign as concept as chocolate cherries make an ideal breakfast, you might as well give up. Without a doubt, continual expectation is the preverbal recipe for disaster. Not even a world class chef can make a decent dish when working with pork chops, horseradish, cinnamon and avocado butter –in equal proportions.
Therefore let’s modify the original Nancy Drew-like questions into: How do you not care that romance – girlie, starry-eyed, sipping-beer-from-the-same-can romance - is all but non-existent?
When we choose to stop expecting, then perhaps a surprise can be found. Sorry, but that is as good as it gets. I would love to spin a tale here and lift up Nancy where she belongs, but the truth - albeit painful - has its rewards.
The primary compensation in accepting that the R in romance is also the R in realistic, is recognizing that eventually the disappointment will lessen. So will the expectations.
That is not to take away from the fact that disappointment is certainly valid, but to understand that there are some things we are powerless to change and it is in our best interests to know when to give up. Yes, I said give up, but not in a bad way.
Darling Nancy, Boys and Girls: training a seal takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a dog takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a man takes patience, love for the craft and creature and there will never be enough treats.
Have a naughty day!
Why is it so hard for men to comprehend that women need romance? Is it really so difficult to do something that SHE thinks is special, even if he doesn’t? And one more thing, if you have to ask for romance why does it diminish the effect?
Nancy, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Nancy,
Don’t know. Yes. The original expectation was never met. Now that we have the obvious quickly out of the way, let me state that it is a known fact that men who revere romance do exist. In fact the few rare souls that know the difference between scheduling a sunset and happening upon a sunset are currently being used for experimental purposes in a lab somewhere in Switzerland. I read that on the internet, so that is proof enough for me.
Although it is pleasant to have this kind of proof, it can also be highly disappointing that something exists but seems to be as hard to have as a porch light that always works. The well-beyond-scientific-fact is if isn’t in someone’s disposition to be romantic, intelligent, or (fill in your own blank here), the only option is to get over it - and fast. No one can make anyone do anything they don’t want to do - and the ACLU will take you to court for using voodoo dolls.
If romance is as foreign as concept as chocolate cherries make an ideal breakfast, you might as well give up. Without a doubt, continual expectation is the preverbal recipe for disaster. Not even a world class chef can make a decent dish when working with pork chops, horseradish, cinnamon and avocado butter –in equal proportions.
Therefore let’s modify the original Nancy Drew-like questions into: How do you not care that romance – girlie, starry-eyed, sipping-beer-from-the-same-can romance - is all but non-existent?
When we choose to stop expecting, then perhaps a surprise can be found. Sorry, but that is as good as it gets. I would love to spin a tale here and lift up Nancy where she belongs, but the truth - albeit painful - has its rewards.
The primary compensation in accepting that the R in romance is also the R in realistic, is recognizing that eventually the disappointment will lessen. So will the expectations.
That is not to take away from the fact that disappointment is certainly valid, but to understand that there are some things we are powerless to change and it is in our best interests to know when to give up. Yes, I said give up, but not in a bad way.
Darling Nancy, Boys and Girls: training a seal takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a dog takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a man takes patience, love for the craft and creature and there will never be enough treats.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Hard to pin down
Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a woman I really like but I think she might be too good for me. I hate that I feel this way since I know I am a great guy. I don’t think of myself as in insecure wimp so why the lack of confidence when it comes to her? As a little background she is incredibly beautiful, really smart and we have a great time whenever we hang out. My friends tell me to get over it and don’t worry, so I am hoping you have an answer with a bit more depth.
Thanking you in advance,
K.R.T, SANTA BARBARA
Dear KRT,
My highest esteem goes to whoever came up with the concept that we “fall” in love. This gospel truth is not only Nobel Prize-worthy, but lives in the rarified air with the most intelligent concepts that humans have shaken down from the tree of knowledge. Gravity, relativity and that we fall when faced with the blinding magnificence of another, live side by side in smug harmony.
Our gratitude should be endless for this little gem, but alas, most of us choose to stumble along and refuse to take into account just how blind love really is. The fact that we continually ignore the obvious helpful hint does not diminish from its clear-cut call-it-like-it-is-candor. Like a pickle with pastrami on rye, love and falling just seem to go together.
The conundrum faced when taking into account the newly-found picture perfect partner is that the majority of what one is falling for is an illusion. For not only is the object of affection putting his or her best foot forward, all the romantic ideals and daydreams that we nurture come out to play. We notice what we choose to notice - as opposed to what is real. This includes all the attributes of our new interest times 10. We also make the mundane take on a starring role in the romance. For example, a lightning storm is just nature being nature, but on dates one through six, a storm becomes seriously rapturous; evoking amorous and feelings of deep and meaningful consequence.
So if there is little or no reality to the beginning of most relationships is it possible that we don’t see ourselves clearly either? Could it be that when Wonder Woman’s stock is rising, Spider Man feels a bit shakey about his own portfolio of talents? It could be so. When we place someone on a pedestal we do so at great peril to them, ourselves, and the future relationship. For once someone is up on a pedestal the only way they can see you is by looking down - on you. And why would anyone want to be with someone that doesn’t think well of themselves? If you don’t think you are good enough why should she think so? If she thinks you’re great, why do you doubt her good judgment? After all, at this point she Princess Perfect in all things! Right?
Darling KRT, Boys and Girls, the only remedy for the “she (or he) is too good for me blues” is too take stock of all the intricately good things about yourself and be as real as possible at all times. If being real blows the relationship sooner than later, to quote Martha Stewart: “It’s a good thing”. You haven’t lost anything of consequence, and you’ve kept something much more valuable: your true self respect.
Have a naughty day!
I met a woman I really like but I think she might be too good for me. I hate that I feel this way since I know I am a great guy. I don’t think of myself as in insecure wimp so why the lack of confidence when it comes to her? As a little background she is incredibly beautiful, really smart and we have a great time whenever we hang out. My friends tell me to get over it and don’t worry, so I am hoping you have an answer with a bit more depth.
Thanking you in advance,
K.R.T, SANTA BARBARA
Dear KRT,
My highest esteem goes to whoever came up with the concept that we “fall” in love. This gospel truth is not only Nobel Prize-worthy, but lives in the rarified air with the most intelligent concepts that humans have shaken down from the tree of knowledge. Gravity, relativity and that we fall when faced with the blinding magnificence of another, live side by side in smug harmony.
Our gratitude should be endless for this little gem, but alas, most of us choose to stumble along and refuse to take into account just how blind love really is. The fact that we continually ignore the obvious helpful hint does not diminish from its clear-cut call-it-like-it-is-candor. Like a pickle with pastrami on rye, love and falling just seem to go together.
The conundrum faced when taking into account the newly-found picture perfect partner is that the majority of what one is falling for is an illusion. For not only is the object of affection putting his or her best foot forward, all the romantic ideals and daydreams that we nurture come out to play. We notice what we choose to notice - as opposed to what is real. This includes all the attributes of our new interest times 10. We also make the mundane take on a starring role in the romance. For example, a lightning storm is just nature being nature, but on dates one through six, a storm becomes seriously rapturous; evoking amorous and feelings of deep and meaningful consequence.
So if there is little or no reality to the beginning of most relationships is it possible that we don’t see ourselves clearly either? Could it be that when Wonder Woman’s stock is rising, Spider Man feels a bit shakey about his own portfolio of talents? It could be so. When we place someone on a pedestal we do so at great peril to them, ourselves, and the future relationship. For once someone is up on a pedestal the only way they can see you is by looking down - on you. And why would anyone want to be with someone that doesn’t think well of themselves? If you don’t think you are good enough why should she think so? If she thinks you’re great, why do you doubt her good judgment? After all, at this point she Princess Perfect in all things! Right?
Darling KRT, Boys and Girls, the only remedy for the “she (or he) is too good for me blues” is too take stock of all the intricately good things about yourself and be as real as possible at all times. If being real blows the relationship sooner than later, to quote Martha Stewart: “It’s a good thing”. You haven’t lost anything of consequence, and you’ve kept something much more valuable: your true self respect.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Choice and Choice
Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I recently moved into together and it is great. I have everything I ever wanted and yet there seems to be something missing. Am I just a brat for feeling discontentment or is it a sign that maybe it isn’t as good as I think it is?
Love,N.T
Dear N,
As much as it might amuse the readers to agree that you are indeed a brat or even work with the Ouija board scenario that you’re “feeling” might be a sign of some sort, I am going to go for the gold here and introduce a new conflict for you. Could it be possible, that even though Mr. Right is Mr. Right there might be another Mr. Right out there? Maybe a Mr. Right with a better job, bigger retirement package, and a huge company car? Could we beg the questions, even though this is good, could it be even better?
I am guessing that it would shock you to know that once upon a time there was Shredded Wheat, Corn Flakes and oatmeal. And equally shocking is that we were happy. Then they made Trix, Count Chocula and Lucky Charms, we were still happy but getting a little confused. Now there are approximately 150 choices in cereal alone. Do we really need 150 different kinds of grains in a box? The amount of choice we experience on a daily basis has soared since the day Batman made his TV debut in the 60’s
The X, Y and Z generations consider so much bounty as a birth right. They weren’t born with a silver spoon in the mouth but an entire 200 piece set of flatware and the hostess set including an extra butter knife. Have all those possibilities, grown to insane proportions since the 60’s gone to our heads and rendered us lost for more than just a few words? Is it for better or worse to have so many options? If relationship contentment is based on feeling that we have made a really good choice, have all the available possibilities stripped us away from accepting that we made a good choice? In other words, oatmeal works just fine and it comes with options. Raisins and brown sugar.
Darling N, Boys and Girls, if we spend our days upgrading our phones just because we can maybe we short change ourselves in not appreciating the features we currently have. One day they will come out with Count Chocula with Trix bits just to test us. Captain Crunch will try the organic thing. Yes, there will always be more phones, more cereals, and more Mr. Rights possible. However take some time out and just sit with what you do have and you might see you have even more than you thought you did.
Have a naughty day!
My boyfriend and I recently moved into together and it is great. I have everything I ever wanted and yet there seems to be something missing. Am I just a brat for feeling discontentment or is it a sign that maybe it isn’t as good as I think it is?
Love,N.T
Dear N,
As much as it might amuse the readers to agree that you are indeed a brat or even work with the Ouija board scenario that you’re “feeling” might be a sign of some sort, I am going to go for the gold here and introduce a new conflict for you. Could it be possible, that even though Mr. Right is Mr. Right there might be another Mr. Right out there? Maybe a Mr. Right with a better job, bigger retirement package, and a huge company car? Could we beg the questions, even though this is good, could it be even better?
I am guessing that it would shock you to know that once upon a time there was Shredded Wheat, Corn Flakes and oatmeal. And equally shocking is that we were happy. Then they made Trix, Count Chocula and Lucky Charms, we were still happy but getting a little confused. Now there are approximately 150 choices in cereal alone. Do we really need 150 different kinds of grains in a box? The amount of choice we experience on a daily basis has soared since the day Batman made his TV debut in the 60’s
The X, Y and Z generations consider so much bounty as a birth right. They weren’t born with a silver spoon in the mouth but an entire 200 piece set of flatware and the hostess set including an extra butter knife. Have all those possibilities, grown to insane proportions since the 60’s gone to our heads and rendered us lost for more than just a few words? Is it for better or worse to have so many options? If relationship contentment is based on feeling that we have made a really good choice, have all the available possibilities stripped us away from accepting that we made a good choice? In other words, oatmeal works just fine and it comes with options. Raisins and brown sugar.
Darling N, Boys and Girls, if we spend our days upgrading our phones just because we can maybe we short change ourselves in not appreciating the features we currently have. One day they will come out with Count Chocula with Trix bits just to test us. Captain Crunch will try the organic thing. Yes, there will always be more phones, more cereals, and more Mr. Rights possible. However take some time out and just sit with what you do have and you might see you have even more than you thought you did.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Enjoy the ride
Dear Miss Kitty,
An ex of mine used to use Old Spice Body Wash. Crazy thing is my current BF uses it too. How can I get this particular product out of my life?
Rap, Santa Barbara
Dear Rap,
Old Spice? Are you dating your grandfather? If not follow the following dialogue and all will be well: “Crazy or not, my ex used to use the same wash you do. When I see it in the shower it reminds me of him. When I am in the shower (he will love this part) I like to think of you.” Then present a bottle of something made in this century and take a shower together to seal the deal. You will both be clean, smelling good and have washed the ex out of your hair.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I always hear these wonderful stories about chance meetings my friends had with their significant others. In line for a concert, at the grocery store, walking their dogs at the beach ... and bam ... they're a couple.? I've been single for a while now and am getting tired of the night club scene. I was at Jiffy Lube today, and while I was waiting for my oil change, a good-looking stranger sat beside me. How do you strike up a conversation with someone at such a random place as Jiffy Lube? The whole "So, do you come here often?" line doesn't really work in this situation. Where would you even begin? ??Looking for my chance encounter,
-Tess
Dear Tess,
On a stupendously sunny July day, an attractive woman was flipping through an old issue of Car and Driver while waiting for an oil change. While reading that the car of the year is the Volkswagen Polo and not the Chevy Old Spice, a good-looking stranger made his way to the seat beside her. “So, do you come here often?” she smiled. “Yes, every three thousand miles”. She laughed. Looking down at his hand she didn’t see the glint of a wedding band, so she took the plunge and asked if he would like to go next door and have a coffee while they waited for their cars. “Only if you will split a piece of chocolate cake with me”, he replied without missing a beat.
Will Jiffy Love turn into wedding bells? Or was it just a summer lube and tune? Truth be told, it doesn’t matter. It isn’t the interesting situation or lack of them – what does matter is how self confidence is applied to dating opportunities. Every situation is an opportunity waiting to happen – if you stay aware and have developed the poise, chutzpah and enough courage to break the ice. Does that mean that the hot guy in the glasses at Trader Joe’s with a basket full of frozen veggie sausage is available? No, he might very well have a small tribe of vegans waiting at home, but who cares? Making casual conversation-person to person and regardless of the outcome - is great practice for when the real opportunities drive into your life.
When we put unrealistic pressure on ourselves to never make the mistake of coming across as foolish or forward (or worse yet just wait and hope the other person takes the fearsome opening leap) we limit our dating opportunities to 1988 pickups and mopeds - when there a plenty of exciting Corvettes and BMWs waiting for a test-drive.
Darling Tess, Boys and Girls since the only fear in consorting with “the enemy” is the fear of rejection, practicing really does make perfect. And what’s the worst that can happen? Soon the old knife plunging into your heart upon hearing a “no” is just a little prick! When your perception of the opening-line situation changes from abject fear to “gee, this is fun” you will see the number of opportunities (and “yeses”) start to accelerate like a top fuel dragster. Above all, since the real thing can appear without notice, it makes sense to be well versed in being a good human and to train yourself to enjoy the ride.
Have a naughty day!
An ex of mine used to use Old Spice Body Wash. Crazy thing is my current BF uses it too. How can I get this particular product out of my life?
Rap, Santa Barbara
Dear Rap,
Old Spice? Are you dating your grandfather? If not follow the following dialogue and all will be well: “Crazy or not, my ex used to use the same wash you do. When I see it in the shower it reminds me of him. When I am in the shower (he will love this part) I like to think of you.” Then present a bottle of something made in this century and take a shower together to seal the deal. You will both be clean, smelling good and have washed the ex out of your hair.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I always hear these wonderful stories about chance meetings my friends had with their significant others. In line for a concert, at the grocery store, walking their dogs at the beach ... and bam ... they're a couple.? I've been single for a while now and am getting tired of the night club scene. I was at Jiffy Lube today, and while I was waiting for my oil change, a good-looking stranger sat beside me. How do you strike up a conversation with someone at such a random place as Jiffy Lube? The whole "So, do you come here often?" line doesn't really work in this situation. Where would you even begin? ??Looking for my chance encounter,
-Tess
Dear Tess,
On a stupendously sunny July day, an attractive woman was flipping through an old issue of Car and Driver while waiting for an oil change. While reading that the car of the year is the Volkswagen Polo and not the Chevy Old Spice, a good-looking stranger made his way to the seat beside her. “So, do you come here often?” she smiled. “Yes, every three thousand miles”. She laughed. Looking down at his hand she didn’t see the glint of a wedding band, so she took the plunge and asked if he would like to go next door and have a coffee while they waited for their cars. “Only if you will split a piece of chocolate cake with me”, he replied without missing a beat.
Will Jiffy Love turn into wedding bells? Or was it just a summer lube and tune? Truth be told, it doesn’t matter. It isn’t the interesting situation or lack of them – what does matter is how self confidence is applied to dating opportunities. Every situation is an opportunity waiting to happen – if you stay aware and have developed the poise, chutzpah and enough courage to break the ice. Does that mean that the hot guy in the glasses at Trader Joe’s with a basket full of frozen veggie sausage is available? No, he might very well have a small tribe of vegans waiting at home, but who cares? Making casual conversation-person to person and regardless of the outcome - is great practice for when the real opportunities drive into your life.
When we put unrealistic pressure on ourselves to never make the mistake of coming across as foolish or forward (or worse yet just wait and hope the other person takes the fearsome opening leap) we limit our dating opportunities to 1988 pickups and mopeds - when there a plenty of exciting Corvettes and BMWs waiting for a test-drive.
Darling Tess, Boys and Girls since the only fear in consorting with “the enemy” is the fear of rejection, practicing really does make perfect. And what’s the worst that can happen? Soon the old knife plunging into your heart upon hearing a “no” is just a little prick! When your perception of the opening-line situation changes from abject fear to “gee, this is fun” you will see the number of opportunities (and “yeses”) start to accelerate like a top fuel dragster. Above all, since the real thing can appear without notice, it makes sense to be well versed in being a good human and to train yourself to enjoy the ride.
Have a naughty day!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Life's a beach
Dear Miss Kitty,
I read your column weekly, and it seems that there are a lot of relationship problems out there. My wife and I have a great relationship and I think one of the reasons why is that we don’t “expect” from each other. I must admit that even without expectation, there are times when I find myself feeling disappointed and wondering what went wrong. What I would like to do is avoid this feeling altogether. Is this normal and can it be done?
T. SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
Imagine hearing tales of a remote tropical Island paradise. You are intrigued with the idea of its mysterious beauty as well as the adventure it can provide. You devour well-researched literature in order to educate yourself as much as you possibly can before embarking on the trip of your dreams. When you arrive you are dumb-struck, as what you imagined - even with all the information gathering - is just not what you had envisioned.
The quaint Asian outdoor market from page 101 of your guide book brings new meaning to the phrase mystery meat. Nemo isn’t happily swimming alongside, as much as hiding from your underwater screams, as you “connect” with what is really nature. As vacations can bring new light to what was a perceived ideal, so can the reality of what is a relationship. In other words, even the perfect man is likely to leave the toilet seat up.
So why are we so easily and immediately disillusioned when happily-ever-after isn’t a pristine isolated beach but a crowded free-for-all with kids being kids and the sun being the potentially painful burning orb it really is? Most interestingly, where did the original picture-perfect picture come from? Why is that perceived image the right one - and the reality wrong?
It is impossible to not have expectations. Even the goal of not having an expectation is an expectation. Expectation is the kissing cousin of altruism. Altruism’s job description proves it only a concept, and the ultimate impossible dream. Avoiding expectation is the second impossible dream. Making peace for the sake of making peace is an excuse to avoid what truly matters to us. Making sense of where we find ourselves - and adjusting to our circumstances - is healthy and saves the soul from further torment. Paradise may be what you make it, but it does take a certain adjustment in perception when there are too many city lights to see the stars and too much traffic to hear the ocean.
Darling T, Boys and Girls: when we know ourselves we have the opportunity to know what floats our rental boat. When we are not sure that we deserve better, we feel the disappointment and take it on as a permanent state of being. Adjusting ourselves to “make it right” is the same thing as rationalizing, but with a supreme difference. When we allow ourselves to be open to what is and work within reality, even disappointment, we can find acceptable peace. Accepting something for what it is, including the inevitable disillusionments, allows us to connect back to what it is to be human (not a perfect stone demigod), and therefore find our way. We can make something that appears to be less than what we “wished” into something that satisfies us with a rewarding, growing experience.
Have a naughty day!
I read your column weekly, and it seems that there are a lot of relationship problems out there. My wife and I have a great relationship and I think one of the reasons why is that we don’t “expect” from each other. I must admit that even without expectation, there are times when I find myself feeling disappointed and wondering what went wrong. What I would like to do is avoid this feeling altogether. Is this normal and can it be done?
T. SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
Imagine hearing tales of a remote tropical Island paradise. You are intrigued with the idea of its mysterious beauty as well as the adventure it can provide. You devour well-researched literature in order to educate yourself as much as you possibly can before embarking on the trip of your dreams. When you arrive you are dumb-struck, as what you imagined - even with all the information gathering - is just not what you had envisioned.
The quaint Asian outdoor market from page 101 of your guide book brings new meaning to the phrase mystery meat. Nemo isn’t happily swimming alongside, as much as hiding from your underwater screams, as you “connect” with what is really nature. As vacations can bring new light to what was a perceived ideal, so can the reality of what is a relationship. In other words, even the perfect man is likely to leave the toilet seat up.
So why are we so easily and immediately disillusioned when happily-ever-after isn’t a pristine isolated beach but a crowded free-for-all with kids being kids and the sun being the potentially painful burning orb it really is? Most interestingly, where did the original picture-perfect picture come from? Why is that perceived image the right one - and the reality wrong?
It is impossible to not have expectations. Even the goal of not having an expectation is an expectation. Expectation is the kissing cousin of altruism. Altruism’s job description proves it only a concept, and the ultimate impossible dream. Avoiding expectation is the second impossible dream. Making peace for the sake of making peace is an excuse to avoid what truly matters to us. Making sense of where we find ourselves - and adjusting to our circumstances - is healthy and saves the soul from further torment. Paradise may be what you make it, but it does take a certain adjustment in perception when there are too many city lights to see the stars and too much traffic to hear the ocean.
Darling T, Boys and Girls: when we know ourselves we have the opportunity to know what floats our rental boat. When we are not sure that we deserve better, we feel the disappointment and take it on as a permanent state of being. Adjusting ourselves to “make it right” is the same thing as rationalizing, but with a supreme difference. When we allow ourselves to be open to what is and work within reality, even disappointment, we can find acceptable peace. Accepting something for what it is, including the inevitable disillusionments, allows us to connect back to what it is to be human (not a perfect stone demigod), and therefore find our way. We can make something that appears to be less than what we “wished” into something that satisfies us with a rewarding, growing experience.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, June 11, 2010
www.MyExWasAnAss.com
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have just started to date a man that I have known for a few years. During lunch with a friend, the new guy came up in conversation and I was given an ear full about his past. It turns out my friend was his ex-wife’s best friend and knew all the dirt. We have a weekend away planned and after all I heard, I am not sure what to do. I could ask him if it was all true, but won’t he just cover his u-know-what? Is there any point to asking or should I just break it off now?
Lisa L, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Lisa,
Ever make a patchwork quilt out of feathers, bits of old foil and twist ties? I haven’t yet, but I am sure it would be easier than working through this dilemma. The particulars aside, how savvy is it to trust someone else’s experience instead of our own? Isn’t a couple’s prior problems based on the whole not just the parts? Do second chances herald second guessing? Going out on a treacherous limb here, hanging over the alligator filled pond, I will make a motion that it is safer to get the whole dirt and nothing but the dirt from the source. Amen.
In his own way Jay Leno reports actual and factual political crimes and misdemeanors, albeit with an eye for a bit of entertainment. That’s his MO, and we accept what he says couched in such knowledge. “The friend” may be a holy oracle of facts and figures, and then again, maybe not. Pancakes, coins and vinyl albums all have two sides and so do relationships. It may appear so, but underneath the tight wrapping of all relationships, there is not a one that is an exception.
Not only does each side have its own reality, a third party is never going to be a highly sophisticated and completely neutral database. It may only be years away, but as far as I know, there is nothing that enables disgruntled men and women to post their woes on myexwasanass.com along with a picture and profile of the misanthrope in question. Becoming informed by a well-meaning friend might be dodging a bullet and it might mean missing a big piece of your personal life puzzle.
As messy as it may sound, there is only one clean option here. Be transparent and lay the dirt down so he can take a look at it too. Be open to his response and listen to your gut. If it feels like he is dismissing it with a sweep under the rug, he probably is. If he opens up and lets you in on “his side”, listen. You will learn a lot. If he doesn't want to bring the ex- files into your new relationship at this time, I would put my weekend bag away for awhile and slow things way down. Since we knowledge and have empathy for each other through sharing our pasts, the good, the bad and the ugly, most people find sharing the old dirt comes along within the first few dates and is healthy.
Darling Lisa, Boys and Girls, whether we get our information from whosemydate.com, a Ouija Board or the next door neighbor, it must all be tempered by what we see, hear and feel. Preferably in that order! Not the monkey way. See no evil? The recipe for naïve in a bottle. Hear no evil? Knowledge is power. Speak no evil? The truth hurts and as the saying goes, will set you free.
Have a naughty day!
I have just started to date a man that I have known for a few years. During lunch with a friend, the new guy came up in conversation and I was given an ear full about his past. It turns out my friend was his ex-wife’s best friend and knew all the dirt. We have a weekend away planned and after all I heard, I am not sure what to do. I could ask him if it was all true, but won’t he just cover his u-know-what? Is there any point to asking or should I just break it off now?
Lisa L, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Lisa,
Ever make a patchwork quilt out of feathers, bits of old foil and twist ties? I haven’t yet, but I am sure it would be easier than working through this dilemma. The particulars aside, how savvy is it to trust someone else’s experience instead of our own? Isn’t a couple’s prior problems based on the whole not just the parts? Do second chances herald second guessing? Going out on a treacherous limb here, hanging over the alligator filled pond, I will make a motion that it is safer to get the whole dirt and nothing but the dirt from the source. Amen.
In his own way Jay Leno reports actual and factual political crimes and misdemeanors, albeit with an eye for a bit of entertainment. That’s his MO, and we accept what he says couched in such knowledge. “The friend” may be a holy oracle of facts and figures, and then again, maybe not. Pancakes, coins and vinyl albums all have two sides and so do relationships. It may appear so, but underneath the tight wrapping of all relationships, there is not a one that is an exception.
Not only does each side have its own reality, a third party is never going to be a highly sophisticated and completely neutral database. It may only be years away, but as far as I know, there is nothing that enables disgruntled men and women to post their woes on myexwasanass.com along with a picture and profile of the misanthrope in question. Becoming informed by a well-meaning friend might be dodging a bullet and it might mean missing a big piece of your personal life puzzle.
As messy as it may sound, there is only one clean option here. Be transparent and lay the dirt down so he can take a look at it too. Be open to his response and listen to your gut. If it feels like he is dismissing it with a sweep under the rug, he probably is. If he opens up and lets you in on “his side”, listen. You will learn a lot. If he doesn't want to bring the ex- files into your new relationship at this time, I would put my weekend bag away for awhile and slow things way down. Since we knowledge and have empathy for each other through sharing our pasts, the good, the bad and the ugly, most people find sharing the old dirt comes along within the first few dates and is healthy.
Darling Lisa, Boys and Girls, whether we get our information from whosemydate.com, a Ouija Board or the next door neighbor, it must all be tempered by what we see, hear and feel. Preferably in that order! Not the monkey way. See no evil? The recipe for naïve in a bottle. Hear no evil? Knowledge is power. Speak no evil? The truth hurts and as the saying goes, will set you free.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, June 4, 2010
The present is the time of your life
Dear Miss Kitty,
I just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years and I am feeling a bit lost. I know it was for the best (for both of us) but I miss the old times. I would like to be able get over it faster than I am. Any suggestions?
Tony, GOLETA
Dear Tony and Graduating Classes of 2010,
As June gloom settles in, Santa Barbara’s very own cloaking device, it heralds that another season has arrived and summer wonders are still under wraps. Break ups, graduation and all of life’s changes are just like that. Be they planned, expected or thrust upon us, change is one of the two constants that you can count on. The other is you.
As David Bowie was strutting his way through the song, “Changes,” he sang,” that time may change me
but I can't trace time.” Even without a heavy application of truly glamorous eye make-up to make us take notice, this is one of life’s’ great truths. There really is no time, just made- up markers to give us the illusion of control within what is certainly a tumultuous experience. The second great truth is that time does not matter or rather it is not an answer of any consequence as to how we should live our lives.
When we are good, within our changes, accepting transitions as something we actually have a say in, we can relax. Perhaps even see the immense opportunity that is the gift within the fog. With change, suddenly comes the intense illumination that aside from ourselves we have control over virtually nothing! Is that a 7.5 on the emotional Richter Scale? What else could bring down thousands of graduation caps from their brief fling upward? Albeit a sobering thought, it is also a revelation like no other. Unveiled is the reality that we, and we alone have control only over ourselves and that is truly as good as it gets. It is as good as it needs to be. Indeed, the best and worst part of being human.
Darling Tony, Class, Boys and Girls, whether leaving love before it sours, or moving on as scheduled to the next level of formal education, the class room called life will continually beckon. This is the one class where no one is ever late, everyone works at their own pace and graduation is one big mystery. It is why the present is the time of your life.
Have a naughty day!
I just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years and I am feeling a bit lost. I know it was for the best (for both of us) but I miss the old times. I would like to be able get over it faster than I am. Any suggestions?
Tony, GOLETA
Dear Tony and Graduating Classes of 2010,
As June gloom settles in, Santa Barbara’s very own cloaking device, it heralds that another season has arrived and summer wonders are still under wraps. Break ups, graduation and all of life’s changes are just like that. Be they planned, expected or thrust upon us, change is one of the two constants that you can count on. The other is you.
As David Bowie was strutting his way through the song, “Changes,” he sang,” that time may change me
but I can't trace time.” Even without a heavy application of truly glamorous eye make-up to make us take notice, this is one of life’s’ great truths. There really is no time, just made- up markers to give us the illusion of control within what is certainly a tumultuous experience. The second great truth is that time does not matter or rather it is not an answer of any consequence as to how we should live our lives.
When we are good, within our changes, accepting transitions as something we actually have a say in, we can relax. Perhaps even see the immense opportunity that is the gift within the fog. With change, suddenly comes the intense illumination that aside from ourselves we have control over virtually nothing! Is that a 7.5 on the emotional Richter Scale? What else could bring down thousands of graduation caps from their brief fling upward? Albeit a sobering thought, it is also a revelation like no other. Unveiled is the reality that we, and we alone have control only over ourselves and that is truly as good as it gets. It is as good as it needs to be. Indeed, the best and worst part of being human.
Darling Tony, Class, Boys and Girls, whether leaving love before it sours, or moving on as scheduled to the next level of formal education, the class room called life will continually beckon. This is the one class where no one is ever late, everyone works at their own pace and graduation is one big mystery. It is why the present is the time of your life.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Nothing to fear by staying clear
Dear Miss Kitty,
I am in my 20’s and it seems impossible to just spend time with someone of the opposite sex without it trying to turn into a sexual relationship. It always turns into something and that causes problems. Is it just not possible for men and women to be just friends? Seriously, just friends.
K. P, SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Secrets are for surprise birthday parties, professional spies and superheroes. Yet secret agendas seem to be impossible to avoid when it comes to dating. The overpowering leverage to be a couple - and only a couple so help you God - is imposed upon by society like nobody’s business. Predisposed to populate doesn’t help matters either. “Just friends” is where the expression between a rock and a hard place got its start. In fact, “Just friends” may be the only cliché with some clout as it does seem that it is extraordinarily difficult for men and women to avoid the pitfall of our culture and chemistry and just be friends.
What does it take for the lurking force driving away the simple pleasure of pure friendship, to back off? Why can’t we rein in daydreams and fantasy and hormones in favor of something a lot more authentic and maybe a lot better? Since body parts are not detachable could we learn to detach from them at least for the sake of friendship?
Considering the agenda fairy has a life time supply of free triple espresso’s and gets paid by the couple police, “just friends” takes a lot of work. The requirement of utmost honesty at all times is a must. That means not only being honest with your friend but equally honest with the self. It means no jealousy allowed when your friend is dating. It means having a serious mental check in about personal values when slipping into dreamy reverie over the possibilities of your friend’s cleavage.
Does that mean that to be friends both need to be charter members of Club Androgynous? Only slightly, because to be fair, playing the temptress with a buddy is just plain mean. This rule goes for him as well. If you wouldn’t give your golf buddies a massage, then no massage for Ms. Buddy either. Forget about the movies, where ‘one crazy night” can be smoothed over or blamed on the Tequila taste-testing. In real life, that crazy night will carry enough weight to topple the friendship right off its fragile perch. Avoiding uncomfortable situations and sticking to a prescribed set of values is a hard core requisite if “only friends” is going to a chance.
Ultimately, it means having a heightened sense of awareness regarding all the unseen and unsaid “rules” that we as men and women tend to live by. For example, a man buying dinner may not be rationalized because he is a man, he has more money or he “really” wants to. Buying someone dinner, on a regular basis can initiate the perception of dating and that means “dating protocol” will be evoked by one or both parties. In other words, a slippery slope into confusion as to what the relationship really is. Remember this. The agenda fairy can smell the plastic wafting up from a VISA slapped down on the bill from a nice Italian dinner like no one else.
One way to avoid instant confusion is to instigate Dutch Treat. As much as Dutch Treat sounds like an adult film shot on location in Amsterdam, or something you might find on a stick in Solvang; it really means an outing or date in which each person pays his or her own expenses. The term dates from about 1870 so even way back when girls and boys were having trouble.
Darling K and Boys and Girls, the road to relationship hell is paved with unclear expectations and lack of well defined rules as to what each person wants from the other person. The good news is that it is easy to re-pave (with plenty of glitter) the way to gratifying and authentic relating, either as great friends or lovers, with transparent communication of intent and sticking with integrity to values that are consistent with that intent. As Johnny C. said during the OJ defense, there is nothing to fear by staying clear!
Have a naughty day!
I am in my 20’s and it seems impossible to just spend time with someone of the opposite sex without it trying to turn into a sexual relationship. It always turns into something and that causes problems. Is it just not possible for men and women to be just friends? Seriously, just friends.
K. P, SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Secrets are for surprise birthday parties, professional spies and superheroes. Yet secret agendas seem to be impossible to avoid when it comes to dating. The overpowering leverage to be a couple - and only a couple so help you God - is imposed upon by society like nobody’s business. Predisposed to populate doesn’t help matters either. “Just friends” is where the expression between a rock and a hard place got its start. In fact, “Just friends” may be the only cliché with some clout as it does seem that it is extraordinarily difficult for men and women to avoid the pitfall of our culture and chemistry and just be friends.
What does it take for the lurking force driving away the simple pleasure of pure friendship, to back off? Why can’t we rein in daydreams and fantasy and hormones in favor of something a lot more authentic and maybe a lot better? Since body parts are not detachable could we learn to detach from them at least for the sake of friendship?
Considering the agenda fairy has a life time supply of free triple espresso’s and gets paid by the couple police, “just friends” takes a lot of work. The requirement of utmost honesty at all times is a must. That means not only being honest with your friend but equally honest with the self. It means no jealousy allowed when your friend is dating. It means having a serious mental check in about personal values when slipping into dreamy reverie over the possibilities of your friend’s cleavage.
Does that mean that to be friends both need to be charter members of Club Androgynous? Only slightly, because to be fair, playing the temptress with a buddy is just plain mean. This rule goes for him as well. If you wouldn’t give your golf buddies a massage, then no massage for Ms. Buddy either. Forget about the movies, where ‘one crazy night” can be smoothed over or blamed on the Tequila taste-testing. In real life, that crazy night will carry enough weight to topple the friendship right off its fragile perch. Avoiding uncomfortable situations and sticking to a prescribed set of values is a hard core requisite if “only friends” is going to a chance.
Ultimately, it means having a heightened sense of awareness regarding all the unseen and unsaid “rules” that we as men and women tend to live by. For example, a man buying dinner may not be rationalized because he is a man, he has more money or he “really” wants to. Buying someone dinner, on a regular basis can initiate the perception of dating and that means “dating protocol” will be evoked by one or both parties. In other words, a slippery slope into confusion as to what the relationship really is. Remember this. The agenda fairy can smell the plastic wafting up from a VISA slapped down on the bill from a nice Italian dinner like no one else.
One way to avoid instant confusion is to instigate Dutch Treat. As much as Dutch Treat sounds like an adult film shot on location in Amsterdam, or something you might find on a stick in Solvang; it really means an outing or date in which each person pays his or her own expenses. The term dates from about 1870 so even way back when girls and boys were having trouble.
Darling K and Boys and Girls, the road to relationship hell is paved with unclear expectations and lack of well defined rules as to what each person wants from the other person. The good news is that it is easy to re-pave (with plenty of glitter) the way to gratifying and authentic relating, either as great friends or lovers, with transparent communication of intent and sticking with integrity to values that are consistent with that intent. As Johnny C. said during the OJ defense, there is nothing to fear by staying clear!
Have a naughty day!
Friday, May 14, 2010
The man that would love me forever
Dear Rocketman,
It has been a very long time since I have written to you. I am sure the DS readers won’t mind and the question about Viagra can wait until next week. With that being said I never knew that life would bring me the challenges it has and never expected anything but bliss in being married to you. Thinking that our experience together would be a life of soul searching conversations, shadow puppet hilarity and the kind of romance I had only dreamt about-was both sweet and very naïve.
What I didn’t truly grasp until this past year, is that the depth of a relationship is measured in far more than its promises and good -willed intentions. A relationship is measured by how those promises and good intentions are delivered on a daily basis. I learned that anything less- is less than you or I is willing to live with. And for that, I am very grateful.
One of the greatest gifts that I now claim is that I know without any doubt, that I am with a man that loves me for me. You have proven to me that my trust, my respect, my love are worthy of fighting for-you did and continue to do so. And for that, I am very grateful.
I also know that I am deeply committed to following my values, even when the road would be easier, without them. I know that I put my spiritual tenants above empty and obvious happiness. I know that I do not hide, I am not weak and I am proud of being the wife I am. And for that, I am very grateful.
A life long dream was to find a man that would love me forever, be as honest as I am, and embrace our partnership as a fine and beautiful expression of being human. With the glamour of girlish romance now stripped away for good, I believe that I can recognize you as that man. And for that, I am very grateful.
All my love,
Miss Kitty
It has been a very long time since I have written to you. I am sure the DS readers won’t mind and the question about Viagra can wait until next week. With that being said I never knew that life would bring me the challenges it has and never expected anything but bliss in being married to you. Thinking that our experience together would be a life of soul searching conversations, shadow puppet hilarity and the kind of romance I had only dreamt about-was both sweet and very naïve.
What I didn’t truly grasp until this past year, is that the depth of a relationship is measured in far more than its promises and good -willed intentions. A relationship is measured by how those promises and good intentions are delivered on a daily basis. I learned that anything less- is less than you or I is willing to live with. And for that, I am very grateful.
One of the greatest gifts that I now claim is that I know without any doubt, that I am with a man that loves me for me. You have proven to me that my trust, my respect, my love are worthy of fighting for-you did and continue to do so. And for that, I am very grateful.
I also know that I am deeply committed to following my values, even when the road would be easier, without them. I know that I put my spiritual tenants above empty and obvious happiness. I know that I do not hide, I am not weak and I am proud of being the wife I am. And for that, I am very grateful.
A life long dream was to find a man that would love me forever, be as honest as I am, and embrace our partnership as a fine and beautiful expression of being human. With the glamour of girlish romance now stripped away for good, I believe that I can recognize you as that man. And for that, I am very grateful.
All my love,
Miss Kitty
Friday, April 30, 2010
An emotional pre-nup
Dear Miss Kitty,
I am getting married in few months and although I love my husband to be, I am not blind to the fact that over half of marriages end in divorce. Is there anything I can do to improve the odds?
Traci, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Traci,
With the bombardment of celebrity faux pas, divorce attorneys advertising gift with purchase, and the actual statistics being on the kind side, there is reason to worry. So how do you feel confident when entering into the spiritual, emotional and business contract otherwise known as marriage? Is it possible to stack the deck? Isn’t love enough? When it comes to a successful marriage, love alone is never enough.
We live in a world of rules and regulations since apparently humans haven’t evolved to a state where we can police ourselves. “No shirt-no service”, “video surveillance in use on these premises”, “click it or ticketl” - it doesn’t seem to stop does it? And yet, jails are as full as a free Carnival cruise and saving a receipt for a wedding gift is as prudent as checking a lovers email account.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks to happily-ever-after is that “happy” is hinged on little more than promises of good behavior while in the throes of pre-marital bliss. Given that table cloth colors have topped world events as a dinner table subject this is not a time when reason is prevailing. There is everything right about planning a wedding with the one you love, but unfortunately only a smidgen of real thinking goes into planning the marriage. It’s the thing that comes after the colored table cloths – and is supposed to last a lifetime.
I apologize if I sound harsh and perhaps even a bit brittle. I have written countless columns on trust or rather the lack of it, all because a large percentage of people just don’t understand, value or implement the concept. If nothing else, marriage is the ultimate proving ground for trust or the lack of it. That being said, it is possible to mitigate - if not profoundly alter - the possible outcome of “I do” into something that will last longer than a garter toss.
Written contracts are widely used and have great value. You can’t buy a house, adopt a dog, or rent a car without one. They clearly state values, boundaries and consequences. Marriage vows seem to be missing the last two concepts. In this day and age is anyone so naïve to think “it won’t happen to me?’ Are we paralyzed by passion into thinking it is unreasonable to be business-like about what is essentially a lifelong business? A traditional marriage value is until death us do part. The modern translation is to stick it out as long as it isn’t too much work. Are you willing to stay if your partner strays? What if an undiscovered addiction is brought to light? What if your husband is really a Labrador in disguise?
If there was a written contract in place that said, I value blank and if that boundary is crossed, I will blank, both partners know upfront what is acceptable and what is not. What will transpire if need be. One of the major benefits is that the wronged party will not be placed in a position of “being the bad guy” which so often happens during a break up.
Darling Traci, Boys and Girls, think of it as an emotional pre-nup. It enables both parties to clarify to each other and themselves what they hold dear (other than each other) and takes a very serious commitment into the thinking realm. Love conquers all, but not always in the most obvious sense. Sometimes love takes away what we hold personally precious and that is nothing to say “I do” for, without reasonable assurance of minimum risk.
Have a naughty day!
I am getting married in few months and although I love my husband to be, I am not blind to the fact that over half of marriages end in divorce. Is there anything I can do to improve the odds?
Traci, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Traci,
With the bombardment of celebrity faux pas, divorce attorneys advertising gift with purchase, and the actual statistics being on the kind side, there is reason to worry. So how do you feel confident when entering into the spiritual, emotional and business contract otherwise known as marriage? Is it possible to stack the deck? Isn’t love enough? When it comes to a successful marriage, love alone is never enough.
We live in a world of rules and regulations since apparently humans haven’t evolved to a state where we can police ourselves. “No shirt-no service”, “video surveillance in use on these premises”, “click it or ticketl” - it doesn’t seem to stop does it? And yet, jails are as full as a free Carnival cruise and saving a receipt for a wedding gift is as prudent as checking a lovers email account.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks to happily-ever-after is that “happy” is hinged on little more than promises of good behavior while in the throes of pre-marital bliss. Given that table cloth colors have topped world events as a dinner table subject this is not a time when reason is prevailing. There is everything right about planning a wedding with the one you love, but unfortunately only a smidgen of real thinking goes into planning the marriage. It’s the thing that comes after the colored table cloths – and is supposed to last a lifetime.
I apologize if I sound harsh and perhaps even a bit brittle. I have written countless columns on trust or rather the lack of it, all because a large percentage of people just don’t understand, value or implement the concept. If nothing else, marriage is the ultimate proving ground for trust or the lack of it. That being said, it is possible to mitigate - if not profoundly alter - the possible outcome of “I do” into something that will last longer than a garter toss.
Written contracts are widely used and have great value. You can’t buy a house, adopt a dog, or rent a car without one. They clearly state values, boundaries and consequences. Marriage vows seem to be missing the last two concepts. In this day and age is anyone so naïve to think “it won’t happen to me?’ Are we paralyzed by passion into thinking it is unreasonable to be business-like about what is essentially a lifelong business? A traditional marriage value is until death us do part. The modern translation is to stick it out as long as it isn’t too much work. Are you willing to stay if your partner strays? What if an undiscovered addiction is brought to light? What if your husband is really a Labrador in disguise?
If there was a written contract in place that said, I value blank and if that boundary is crossed, I will blank, both partners know upfront what is acceptable and what is not. What will transpire if need be. One of the major benefits is that the wronged party will not be placed in a position of “being the bad guy” which so often happens during a break up.
Darling Traci, Boys and Girls, think of it as an emotional pre-nup. It enables both parties to clarify to each other and themselves what they hold dear (other than each other) and takes a very serious commitment into the thinking realm. Love conquers all, but not always in the most obvious sense. Sometimes love takes away what we hold personally precious and that is nothing to say “I do” for, without reasonable assurance of minimum risk.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thinking too much
Dear Miss Kitty,
I know a guy is really in to me, but he hasn’t even talked to me yet. Do you think he will?
T, SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
Words are cheap, why wouldn’t he use them?
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating someone for about six weeks. We are having a great time and really like each other. I am wondering if we have enough in common for a long term relationship. I was going to bring it up over the weekend, but I hoped that you could give me some steering direction first.
R.Z. SANTA BARBRA
Dear R.Z,
When the company is splendid and the days are progressing without incident, why is it so difficult to just enjoy? There is no reason to name it, envision the future, or break a new relationship down and file it under an appropriate heading. Luxuriate in it for what it is, instead of wondering what it isn't or can never be. The truth is that making rules doesn’t imply a guarantee of happiness. Concocting relationship do’s and don’ts, won’t guarantee happiness either. Allowing ourselves to feel happiness, guarantees contentment, if nothing else. There is a Zen-toddleresque component to human connections. Sometimes we have to let it be, observe and tell our thinking selves to go away and play in the mud!
Like grease following frying bacon, unless we consciously decide to put a lid on it, pleasant passion becomes a slick surface for happiness to slide off of. Even when a relationship is full of delights why is there is always a period when the questions come forth? Like the winter holidays, they show up even when we could do without them and never know the difference. What about future living situations? Will we be compatible if I think carrots are the other white meat and you don’t? This can be a make it or break it time for lots of couples, and here’s a big secret. It doesn't need to be so. If both are feeling happy, it is a huge disservice to what might be, to over-think the unknown (and most everything is) into woe.
Thinking people think too much and in the beginning stages of a relationship the need to get in touch with our inner Einstein is all consuming. Leaving well enough alone makes sense now doesn’t it? Romance is like water, you can trust it will always seek its own level, eventually. Humans have a profound desire to play connect the dots, instead of waiting to see what dots end up connected all by themselves.
Darling R.Z, Boys and Girls, if the company is good, the major dots connect, the rest doesn't really matter. It's about having fun, feeling good, and being open to what could be. A blissful new relationship belongs under candle light, not under the harsh glare of interrogation bulbs. A new relationship doesn't need to be a project in a dissection lab either. When you break ANYTHING down, the magic dissipates very swiftly. If there is a major problem or a deep unease, by all means call in the Spanish Inquisition, feel free to cry,” NEXT”! But when it feels good, don’t unravel something quite precocious into tiny fragments. A word to the wise, love and romance are found in combinations, but never in dissevered parts.
Have a naughty day!
I know a guy is really in to me, but he hasn’t even talked to me yet. Do you think he will?
T, SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
Words are cheap, why wouldn’t he use them?
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating someone for about six weeks. We are having a great time and really like each other. I am wondering if we have enough in common for a long term relationship. I was going to bring it up over the weekend, but I hoped that you could give me some steering direction first.
R.Z. SANTA BARBRA
Dear R.Z,
When the company is splendid and the days are progressing without incident, why is it so difficult to just enjoy? There is no reason to name it, envision the future, or break a new relationship down and file it under an appropriate heading. Luxuriate in it for what it is, instead of wondering what it isn't or can never be. The truth is that making rules doesn’t imply a guarantee of happiness. Concocting relationship do’s and don’ts, won’t guarantee happiness either. Allowing ourselves to feel happiness, guarantees contentment, if nothing else. There is a Zen-toddleresque component to human connections. Sometimes we have to let it be, observe and tell our thinking selves to go away and play in the mud!
Like grease following frying bacon, unless we consciously decide to put a lid on it, pleasant passion becomes a slick surface for happiness to slide off of. Even when a relationship is full of delights why is there is always a period when the questions come forth? Like the winter holidays, they show up even when we could do without them and never know the difference. What about future living situations? Will we be compatible if I think carrots are the other white meat and you don’t? This can be a make it or break it time for lots of couples, and here’s a big secret. It doesn't need to be so. If both are feeling happy, it is a huge disservice to what might be, to over-think the unknown (and most everything is) into woe.
Thinking people think too much and in the beginning stages of a relationship the need to get in touch with our inner Einstein is all consuming. Leaving well enough alone makes sense now doesn’t it? Romance is like water, you can trust it will always seek its own level, eventually. Humans have a profound desire to play connect the dots, instead of waiting to see what dots end up connected all by themselves.
Darling R.Z, Boys and Girls, if the company is good, the major dots connect, the rest doesn't really matter. It's about having fun, feeling good, and being open to what could be. A blissful new relationship belongs under candle light, not under the harsh glare of interrogation bulbs. A new relationship doesn't need to be a project in a dissection lab either. When you break ANYTHING down, the magic dissipates very swiftly. If there is a major problem or a deep unease, by all means call in the Spanish Inquisition, feel free to cry,” NEXT”! But when it feels good, don’t unravel something quite precocious into tiny fragments. A word to the wise, love and romance are found in combinations, but never in dissevered parts.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Honoring Invisible Contracts
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have a crush on an amazingly beautiful woman. She's smart, she's sexy and her smile could light up a room. It's nearly impossible to describe the euphoria that surrounds me when I look into her eyes. It's powerful. The logic in me says I'm too old to be a school-yard secret admirer, but my shy guy has other plans. When I first met her, I was awed by her mysterious beauty. As she carried herself, pale and slender, gracefully and elegantly towards one of the other men in the room, I noticed something. She seemed like a queen, high and regal, with a strange air of mystery about her. And her beauty couldn't help but add to her mystery. Her long, deep-strawberry-blond hair and striking grayish-green eyes make her an irresistible magnet for my gaze. It's useless not to stare. I am not some creep, just an old-school romantic with a desire for passion who had to let his true feelings be known. I read your column weekly, and will look for a response.
Jim, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jim,
Thank you for taking a breather from your promising- romance- novelist career to let me and thousands of Daily Sound readers know of your true feelings. Although you may have brought a smile to my rosy lips, you didn’t actually ask me a question! So let me ask you a few. Considering the fiery passion that lurks within your manly chest, why have you not acted on your intense ardor? Why tell all of us and not the object of your obvious affections? Or sly dog that you just may be, are you hoping/guessing that she is reading this column along with her morning- large- cream- based- caramel- frappucccino with an extra shot stirred in, not on top?
Although many a man has gazed from afar, perhaps even left homemade egg rolls atop a Scion, most grown- up women find discomfort in the concept of a secret admirer. After all, mother told us not to talk to strangers. Let alone strange men that don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason in being forthright with their intentions. Menu’s have prices, politicians have parties (or should), and most people like to know the player, if not the whole game.
Mystery might be Alfred Hitchcock’s raison D’etre but for most of us the less mystery the better! We read the last page of a page turner, would rather be with the devil we know than the devil we don’t and we always want to know what’s for dinner. Knowing gives us an impression, albeit a false one, of security. Ever wondered why every baby gets a blankie within days of arriving? Water, food and security are crucial for our survival as a species.
We excuse children from confiding their crushes with good reason. The admission of a crush is likely to inspire playground torments yet undiscovered by the Taliban. And the reason kindergartners don’t sign their Valentines is that they can’t spell. Once we pass the age of dodge ball being a graded activity, we really need to step up to the plate and take a chance. Looking, lusting and leering from afar is more likely to get a free orange jumpsuit and cell mates that won’t appreciate dinner by candlelight.
Darling Jim, Boys and Girls, we live in a world with many an invisible contract. As human beings, we owe respect without reservation to those we come in contact with. Giving someone a chance to hear what we have to say and accepting the consequences is honoring at least one of the invisible contracts. Whether having a bad hair day or frightened that their soul is being stolen, tribal natives in Cameroon don’t like having their picture taken. Out of respect, one asks. Don’t you think the object of your affections deserves the same consideration?
Have a naughty day!
I have a crush on an amazingly beautiful woman. She's smart, she's sexy and her smile could light up a room. It's nearly impossible to describe the euphoria that surrounds me when I look into her eyes. It's powerful. The logic in me says I'm too old to be a school-yard secret admirer, but my shy guy has other plans. When I first met her, I was awed by her mysterious beauty. As she carried herself, pale and slender, gracefully and elegantly towards one of the other men in the room, I noticed something. She seemed like a queen, high and regal, with a strange air of mystery about her. And her beauty couldn't help but add to her mystery. Her long, deep-strawberry-blond hair and striking grayish-green eyes make her an irresistible magnet for my gaze. It's useless not to stare. I am not some creep, just an old-school romantic with a desire for passion who had to let his true feelings be known. I read your column weekly, and will look for a response.
Jim, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jim,
Thank you for taking a breather from your promising- romance- novelist career to let me and thousands of Daily Sound readers know of your true feelings. Although you may have brought a smile to my rosy lips, you didn’t actually ask me a question! So let me ask you a few. Considering the fiery passion that lurks within your manly chest, why have you not acted on your intense ardor? Why tell all of us and not the object of your obvious affections? Or sly dog that you just may be, are you hoping/guessing that she is reading this column along with her morning- large- cream- based- caramel- frappucccino with an extra shot stirred in, not on top?
Although many a man has gazed from afar, perhaps even left homemade egg rolls atop a Scion, most grown- up women find discomfort in the concept of a secret admirer. After all, mother told us not to talk to strangers. Let alone strange men that don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason in being forthright with their intentions. Menu’s have prices, politicians have parties (or should), and most people like to know the player, if not the whole game.
Mystery might be Alfred Hitchcock’s raison D’etre but for most of us the less mystery the better! We read the last page of a page turner, would rather be with the devil we know than the devil we don’t and we always want to know what’s for dinner. Knowing gives us an impression, albeit a false one, of security. Ever wondered why every baby gets a blankie within days of arriving? Water, food and security are crucial for our survival as a species.
We excuse children from confiding their crushes with good reason. The admission of a crush is likely to inspire playground torments yet undiscovered by the Taliban. And the reason kindergartners don’t sign their Valentines is that they can’t spell. Once we pass the age of dodge ball being a graded activity, we really need to step up to the plate and take a chance. Looking, lusting and leering from afar is more likely to get a free orange jumpsuit and cell mates that won’t appreciate dinner by candlelight.
Darling Jim, Boys and Girls, we live in a world with many an invisible contract. As human beings, we owe respect without reservation to those we come in contact with. Giving someone a chance to hear what we have to say and accepting the consequences is honoring at least one of the invisible contracts. Whether having a bad hair day or frightened that their soul is being stolen, tribal natives in Cameroon don’t like having their picture taken. Out of respect, one asks. Don’t you think the object of your affections deserves the same consideration?
Have a naughty day!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Honesty is the best policy
Dear Miss Kitty,
I had a great relationship with a guy for about six months and enjoyed every moment we were together. After this time he started to change in subtle but annoying ways. I thought it was just that the honeymoon dating period had ended. Not so! Slowly I learned things about him that made a mockery of all he had told me. He was just acting and saying things to please me but couldn't keep it up. When I finally asked him about his pretenses he grew very angry and I left as fast as I could. I feel so tricked and stupid.
JD, Ventura
Dear JD,
Once upon a time a man wanted to cross a river, but it was too deep and too swift for him to cross safely. As he sat pondering the wild water, a crocodile swam up to him. It offered to take him across the river on its back. The man was wary and asked if he would be safe. “Of course you will be,” said the croc. The man got onto the crocodile and half way across Toothy flipped the man into the river and started to come towards him with his mouth open ready to bite. The man shrieked “What are you doing?” “I am going to eat you,” said the croc. The man cried out “But you said I would be safe!” The croc said “That is what I said, but I am a crocodile!”
?There are no rules of life that dating has managed to circumvent. Regardless of wolf, croc or cute man outfit, when it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Like the man on the river discovered, there really is no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are the lunch. When someone seems too good to be true or is just so perfect, that is the time to take a breath and slow way down. The odds are fairly high, that they are allowing you to see only the safe side of them.
On display for friends and family is the man or women of the year, maybe the decade. With someone as easy to be around as summer, it is easy to become lulled into a false sense of what is safe and what feels right. The act, however convincing cannot be maintained forever. Due to the fact that water really does seek its own level, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain the floor show. Once the curtain begins to fall, what is left is closer to what is real. Maybe.
We all show our best side when we first meet a new person; we may act in ways that are not our true selves. How this has become acceptable? Honesty ranks number one on most people’s list of values they expect in a partner. Our expectation is that what we see is what we are getting and when this doesn’t happen we are dumbfounded. Often we wonder why we didn’t or couldn’t see the truth. It is next to impossible when one is dating an academy award worthy winning actor or actress and we shouldn’t blame ourselves.
As tempting as it might be to don a flowery dress for a first date, when you are a jeans-only kind of girl, don’t. A high proportion of failed relationships are due to the camouflage approach and once the jig is up so is the relationship. In other words, when an onion eventually gets peeled there are usually a lot of tears. It might take longer to find a good match but it is better to be authentic right from the start. Why wouldn’t someone want to relax and have the opportunity to be loved for whom they really are? Makes one wonder doesn’t it?
Darling JD, Boys, and Girls, honesty is the best policy, especially if a long term relationship is in your focus. Even if you don’t know or don’t care where something might go, isn’t it better to be able to be able to smile and not worry about the razor-sharp teeth showing?
Have a naughty day!
I had a great relationship with a guy for about six months and enjoyed every moment we were together. After this time he started to change in subtle but annoying ways. I thought it was just that the honeymoon dating period had ended. Not so! Slowly I learned things about him that made a mockery of all he had told me. He was just acting and saying things to please me but couldn't keep it up. When I finally asked him about his pretenses he grew very angry and I left as fast as I could. I feel so tricked and stupid.
JD, Ventura
Dear JD,
Once upon a time a man wanted to cross a river, but it was too deep and too swift for him to cross safely. As he sat pondering the wild water, a crocodile swam up to him. It offered to take him across the river on its back. The man was wary and asked if he would be safe. “Of course you will be,” said the croc. The man got onto the crocodile and half way across Toothy flipped the man into the river and started to come towards him with his mouth open ready to bite. The man shrieked “What are you doing?” “I am going to eat you,” said the croc. The man cried out “But you said I would be safe!” The croc said “That is what I said, but I am a crocodile!”
?There are no rules of life that dating has managed to circumvent. Regardless of wolf, croc or cute man outfit, when it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Like the man on the river discovered, there really is no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are the lunch. When someone seems too good to be true or is just so perfect, that is the time to take a breath and slow way down. The odds are fairly high, that they are allowing you to see only the safe side of them.
On display for friends and family is the man or women of the year, maybe the decade. With someone as easy to be around as summer, it is easy to become lulled into a false sense of what is safe and what feels right. The act, however convincing cannot be maintained forever. Due to the fact that water really does seek its own level, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain the floor show. Once the curtain begins to fall, what is left is closer to what is real. Maybe.
We all show our best side when we first meet a new person; we may act in ways that are not our true selves. How this has become acceptable? Honesty ranks number one on most people’s list of values they expect in a partner. Our expectation is that what we see is what we are getting and when this doesn’t happen we are dumbfounded. Often we wonder why we didn’t or couldn’t see the truth. It is next to impossible when one is dating an academy award worthy winning actor or actress and we shouldn’t blame ourselves.
As tempting as it might be to don a flowery dress for a first date, when you are a jeans-only kind of girl, don’t. A high proportion of failed relationships are due to the camouflage approach and once the jig is up so is the relationship. In other words, when an onion eventually gets peeled there are usually a lot of tears. It might take longer to find a good match but it is better to be authentic right from the start. Why wouldn’t someone want to relax and have the opportunity to be loved for whom they really are? Makes one wonder doesn’t it?
Darling JD, Boys, and Girls, honesty is the best policy, especially if a long term relationship is in your focus. Even if you don’t know or don’t care where something might go, isn’t it better to be able to be able to smile and not worry about the razor-sharp teeth showing?
Have a naughty day!
Friday, April 2, 2010
A literal girl in a figurative world
Dear Miss Kitty,
Why isn’t there an Easter Chicken? It makes no sense that a bunny leaves candy Easter eggs.
Anna, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Anna,
What makes no sense is thinking that anything of a candy-like nature comes out of either a chicken or a bunny.
Dear Miss Kitty,
Last month my BF’s parents were in town and (without my knowledge) they decided to co-sign a loan for him and he bought a house. I found out when he said he had a surprise he wanted to show me. His new house which just closed a 60 day escrow! It is hard for me to be happy for him since he had promised me for 3 years that we would buy a house together. Now I am wondering if he ever really meant it. This is a big deal to me since I don’t take broken promises lightly. Is breaking a promise the same thing as lying?
C.C., SANTA BARBARA
Dear C,
It is hard to be a literal girl in a figurative world isn’t it? In so many effortless ways we can be in touch with the ones we love. We instant message, text, and even slow down and call once in a while. With all that glorious communication available, it still seems that too much gets lost in translation. In other words, when it comes down to putting your money where your mouth is, too many people use depreciating dollars instead of the gold standard.
Besides carpel tunnel, one of the side effects of an instant-information world is the lost ability to ponder at leisure. To sit back and think, peruse and mull over possibilities before we use our immature emotional megaphones and blurt them out. In the very early days of dating, much gets said (and done) that would be better served by waiting. We tend to forgive such trespass since it is hard to see anything while wearing rose colored glasses. Infatuation is its own defense.
However deep into the job description of a serious relationship, a promise said and heard should be a promise kept. So does a promise become a lie if it is not honored? Although it sounds, looks and feels like the mother of all lies, a broken promise is not the same thing as a lie. Once and for all (since most allow too much wiggle room for this 3- lettered criminal), let us nail down what a lie really is - a known deception made to cover up, avoid or modify the truth.
Although breaking a promise can be a foul thing to do, it isn’t a lie since there wasn’t deceit when the original promise was being made. 50% of all current marriages end in divorce. Do you think half the brides and grooms had a finger crossed behind their back? Should the ceremony include a polygraph test? No, because when those promises were made, there was a sincere intent to love, honor and cherish. Certain golfers not included.
What a broken promise does is trigger the same heart- stopping emotional response as a lie. Betrayal is lemming country. Without warning life as one has known it is running away as fast as it can - right off a cliff. During the descent, the fallout is brutal. Questions come as fast as the cold air rushing up to meet and greet. Of course, the question of lying is at the top of the list. Why wouldn’t it be? There is nothing like a taste of incongruence to make us think the entire buffet might be poisoned.
Darling C, Boys and Girls, although we have clearly identified that a broken promise is not a lie, it takes the same type of emergency CPR (Caring Personal Relating) as if a lie had been told. To revive your relationship via CPR, an upfront Q and A with Mr. Casa Nuevo in required regarding what happened, what is happening and what will happen if a promise is shirked in the future. Remember that four-year-old Easter egg in the back yard? A word to the wise: don’t make a promise lightly- because everything hidden eventually shows up.
Have a naughty day!
Why isn’t there an Easter Chicken? It makes no sense that a bunny leaves candy Easter eggs.
Anna, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Anna,
What makes no sense is thinking that anything of a candy-like nature comes out of either a chicken or a bunny.
Dear Miss Kitty,
Last month my BF’s parents were in town and (without my knowledge) they decided to co-sign a loan for him and he bought a house. I found out when he said he had a surprise he wanted to show me. His new house which just closed a 60 day escrow! It is hard for me to be happy for him since he had promised me for 3 years that we would buy a house together. Now I am wondering if he ever really meant it. This is a big deal to me since I don’t take broken promises lightly. Is breaking a promise the same thing as lying?
C.C., SANTA BARBARA
Dear C,
It is hard to be a literal girl in a figurative world isn’t it? In so many effortless ways we can be in touch with the ones we love. We instant message, text, and even slow down and call once in a while. With all that glorious communication available, it still seems that too much gets lost in translation. In other words, when it comes down to putting your money where your mouth is, too many people use depreciating dollars instead of the gold standard.
Besides carpel tunnel, one of the side effects of an instant-information world is the lost ability to ponder at leisure. To sit back and think, peruse and mull over possibilities before we use our immature emotional megaphones and blurt them out. In the very early days of dating, much gets said (and done) that would be better served by waiting. We tend to forgive such trespass since it is hard to see anything while wearing rose colored glasses. Infatuation is its own defense.
However deep into the job description of a serious relationship, a promise said and heard should be a promise kept. So does a promise become a lie if it is not honored? Although it sounds, looks and feels like the mother of all lies, a broken promise is not the same thing as a lie. Once and for all (since most allow too much wiggle room for this 3- lettered criminal), let us nail down what a lie really is - a known deception made to cover up, avoid or modify the truth.
Although breaking a promise can be a foul thing to do, it isn’t a lie since there wasn’t deceit when the original promise was being made. 50% of all current marriages end in divorce. Do you think half the brides and grooms had a finger crossed behind their back? Should the ceremony include a polygraph test? No, because when those promises were made, there was a sincere intent to love, honor and cherish. Certain golfers not included.
What a broken promise does is trigger the same heart- stopping emotional response as a lie. Betrayal is lemming country. Without warning life as one has known it is running away as fast as it can - right off a cliff. During the descent, the fallout is brutal. Questions come as fast as the cold air rushing up to meet and greet. Of course, the question of lying is at the top of the list. Why wouldn’t it be? There is nothing like a taste of incongruence to make us think the entire buffet might be poisoned.
Darling C, Boys and Girls, although we have clearly identified that a broken promise is not a lie, it takes the same type of emergency CPR (Caring Personal Relating) as if a lie had been told. To revive your relationship via CPR, an upfront Q and A with Mr. Casa Nuevo in required regarding what happened, what is happening and what will happen if a promise is shirked in the future. Remember that four-year-old Easter egg in the back yard? A word to the wise: don’t make a promise lightly- because everything hidden eventually shows up.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Take time as it comes
Dear Miss Kitty,
Someone I am dating is going to an event. She didn’t invite me to come along, but I thought I might go anyway and surprise her. Is it alright to attend an event if you were not invited?
Kevin, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Kevin,
1%, 2% and even non-fat are all considered “milk”, just in case the word “stalking” escapes you.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband I have divorced after 20 years of marriage and the kids are out of the nest. Between the two, I find that I cannot get a good feel for time. Not only is there no dinner time, there are no semesters and family vacations. Now that's all gone I find it hard to know where my time is going. Without family activated I feel confused. Is this an aging thing or am I the only one with a time problem?
L.S, MONTECITO
Dear L,
To help us find our place in the world we set imaginary stones in illusory cement in order to find our way. We call it a routine and rituals. When these time markers or rituals are no longer applicable it is often difficult to know where time has gone or how to use it. Without benchmarks, both big and small we can suddenly feel that the world is just too big for us. Like Hansel and Gretel, without any bread crumbs, we feel lost.
During the initial shock of losing a loved one or a relationship, part of the pain is realizing that the markers we have always known and counted on are gone for good. Each week blurs into the next until we realize that the clocks need to go back, or is it forward? Does this mean that we have lost our inner sense of time? Was time as we know it, ever a friend? If time can change, not just actually but conceptually, how can we ever understand it?
Think about what time means to a living organism, and one can see that although time appears to be a human invention, time’s roots clearly belong to Mother Nature. All of our bodily functions are organized by time: Some in hours, some in months, and some in years. The DNA secretary has it all securely filed away and password protected.
Unfortunately the DNA secretary doesn’t work for emotionally driven time frames. The files are just too big and too confusing for anyone to master. Do you remember your first love when time seemed to stand still? Talking for hours and feeling like it was minute? It felt like you had known each other for an eternity and yet it was only weeks. The heady intoxication of love felt like it would last forever and forever. Then bamm! The years flash by just like the Road Runner with Wiley E. Coyote hot on his tail. Where was time standing then? On hot coals of molten lava?
Emotional time frames are not of the same substance as clocked minutes and seconds. Call me Mr. Wizard, but they are somehow loosely connected in a universal time-space. You don't have to channel Einstein to imagine this. When someone asks where your emotional heart is; that is where it exists, in some time and some space. That’s why we feel so lost when we lose the important breadcrumbs.
Darling L, Boys and Girls, take time as it comes in whatever shape it has. Trying to understand how it relates to your own life is an impossible task. Time is an every changing aspect dependent on what we are doing. However, if life’s rituals are grounding and a safety net of sorts, new markers can be made. Remember that breakfast for dinner makes kids really happy, and it isn’t because of the pancakes.
Have a naughty day!
Someone I am dating is going to an event. She didn’t invite me to come along, but I thought I might go anyway and surprise her. Is it alright to attend an event if you were not invited?
Kevin, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Kevin,
1%, 2% and even non-fat are all considered “milk”, just in case the word “stalking” escapes you.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband I have divorced after 20 years of marriage and the kids are out of the nest. Between the two, I find that I cannot get a good feel for time. Not only is there no dinner time, there are no semesters and family vacations. Now that's all gone I find it hard to know where my time is going. Without family activated I feel confused. Is this an aging thing or am I the only one with a time problem?
L.S, MONTECITO
Dear L,
To help us find our place in the world we set imaginary stones in illusory cement in order to find our way. We call it a routine and rituals. When these time markers or rituals are no longer applicable it is often difficult to know where time has gone or how to use it. Without benchmarks, both big and small we can suddenly feel that the world is just too big for us. Like Hansel and Gretel, without any bread crumbs, we feel lost.
During the initial shock of losing a loved one or a relationship, part of the pain is realizing that the markers we have always known and counted on are gone for good. Each week blurs into the next until we realize that the clocks need to go back, or is it forward? Does this mean that we have lost our inner sense of time? Was time as we know it, ever a friend? If time can change, not just actually but conceptually, how can we ever understand it?
Think about what time means to a living organism, and one can see that although time appears to be a human invention, time’s roots clearly belong to Mother Nature. All of our bodily functions are organized by time: Some in hours, some in months, and some in years. The DNA secretary has it all securely filed away and password protected.
Unfortunately the DNA secretary doesn’t work for emotionally driven time frames. The files are just too big and too confusing for anyone to master. Do you remember your first love when time seemed to stand still? Talking for hours and feeling like it was minute? It felt like you had known each other for an eternity and yet it was only weeks. The heady intoxication of love felt like it would last forever and forever. Then bamm! The years flash by just like the Road Runner with Wiley E. Coyote hot on his tail. Where was time standing then? On hot coals of molten lava?
Emotional time frames are not of the same substance as clocked minutes and seconds. Call me Mr. Wizard, but they are somehow loosely connected in a universal time-space. You don't have to channel Einstein to imagine this. When someone asks where your emotional heart is; that is where it exists, in some time and some space. That’s why we feel so lost when we lose the important breadcrumbs.
Darling L, Boys and Girls, take time as it comes in whatever shape it has. Trying to understand how it relates to your own life is an impossible task. Time is an every changing aspect dependent on what we are doing. However, if life’s rituals are grounding and a safety net of sorts, new markers can be made. Remember that breakfast for dinner makes kids really happy, and it isn’t because of the pancakes.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Rats in the laboratory of love
Dear Miss Kitty,
I hate my BF!!!! What should I do? What should I do next?
K. SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Take this paper, find a mirror and read what you asked me 13 times to your reflection. If the mirror doesn’t answer you back, dump him.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have dated many women via on- line dating services. I notice that most write that they need “chemistry” for a relationship to go anywhere. Please explain why this “chemistry” matters so early in the game. For me what happens between the ears is what counts before what happens between the sheets. Being a thinking man, I prefer to think of dating as more like calculus than chemistry.
T.D. Solvang
Dear T.D,
Amidst all the dot-com dating sites, the savvy rub shoulders alongside the newly initiated. The courageous bait the hook, bring in the catch and grapple with the e-harvest. Even with pounds of potential, “chemistry” cannot be truly assessed at this early point. There are so many ways to measure it: Does chemistry ever show up as a dreamy e-mail? Is chemistry the bar when it comes to hopping into another date? Is chemistry an all or nothing proposition? Can it be determined by thinking: “If this man/women kissed me goodnight would I like it or have to run to the bathroom and rinse my mouth out?” Yes, chemistry in the laboratory of e-dating matters, and it is every bit as complex as that high school class with the beakers.
On -line dating is only one way to meet people and truth be told, it doesn’t take much effort. One posts a hopefully well-written profile and picture that is recent and decent. Sometimes one needs to Hemingway said profile or Photoshop said picture if the response is not up to snuff. However, there is no way to gauge the elusive chemistry until face-to-face contact occurs. A profile is only a crafted marketing piece designed as a net - to catch anything that might work. Like the commercial fishing industry, if it isn’t big enough, one can always throw it back.
When we meet a person, in the first few seconds (some claim 6 is the magic number) you can usually feel that sparkly magic. Sometimes, it’s just nervous gas. It does not mean (note to guys here) that your date wants to jump into bed with you. Just that she'd be OK with a kiss. Far more has to happen before most women and some men will feel the level of intimacy that would allow for anything more. This is when when your calculus skills come in handy.
Just in case my readers did not think calculus was worth thinking about (or that anyone who writes fluff would know it) remember that it involves how things change and often it is the rate of change that is critical in a relationship. Too slow and one can miss the fishing boat. Too fast and the fish get scared off. The timing for everyone involved has to feel right before the real magic of love or passion can step in and integrate two differential people into one relationship.
Dating on-line is not easier than when couples met on a dance floor at the high school gym. It is just faster now, and in many ways that makes it harder. We can be so caught up the drama and excitement of it all we forget that the social “niceties” are really a way to take the time to take it all in. Chemistry isn’t always there right away, and sometimes chemistry is standing right behind scared. It sometimes takes a slow reaction for chemistry to feel comfortable enough to come out and play.
Mr. D you've got most of the idea right and you sound like a fine fellow in my book. Take your time and think of dating more like taking a walk through a beautiful garden. Some of the flowers look fantastic but don't have a perfume, others smell great but are not gorgeous to look at and some are just perfect from the get go.
Darling Mr. D, Boys and Girls, there is no simple way to meet the love of your life or equation to make dating fool-proof. One can look for what seems like forever, trying many different mixtures of ingredients and find no one - or unexpectedly and mysteriously the right combination of elements are mixed and someone appears as though presented to you by destiny. Just remember that we are all rats in the laboratory of love, and the process of getting to the final formula should be fun and experienced to the fullest.
Have a Naughty Day!
I hate my BF!!!! What should I do? What should I do next?
K. SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Take this paper, find a mirror and read what you asked me 13 times to your reflection. If the mirror doesn’t answer you back, dump him.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have dated many women via on- line dating services. I notice that most write that they need “chemistry” for a relationship to go anywhere. Please explain why this “chemistry” matters so early in the game. For me what happens between the ears is what counts before what happens between the sheets. Being a thinking man, I prefer to think of dating as more like calculus than chemistry.
T.D. Solvang
Dear T.D,
Amidst all the dot-com dating sites, the savvy rub shoulders alongside the newly initiated. The courageous bait the hook, bring in the catch and grapple with the e-harvest. Even with pounds of potential, “chemistry” cannot be truly assessed at this early point. There are so many ways to measure it: Does chemistry ever show up as a dreamy e-mail? Is chemistry the bar when it comes to hopping into another date? Is chemistry an all or nothing proposition? Can it be determined by thinking: “If this man/women kissed me goodnight would I like it or have to run to the bathroom and rinse my mouth out?” Yes, chemistry in the laboratory of e-dating matters, and it is every bit as complex as that high school class with the beakers.
On -line dating is only one way to meet people and truth be told, it doesn’t take much effort. One posts a hopefully well-written profile and picture that is recent and decent. Sometimes one needs to Hemingway said profile or Photoshop said picture if the response is not up to snuff. However, there is no way to gauge the elusive chemistry until face-to-face contact occurs. A profile is only a crafted marketing piece designed as a net - to catch anything that might work. Like the commercial fishing industry, if it isn’t big enough, one can always throw it back.
When we meet a person, in the first few seconds (some claim 6 is the magic number) you can usually feel that sparkly magic. Sometimes, it’s just nervous gas. It does not mean (note to guys here) that your date wants to jump into bed with you. Just that she'd be OK with a kiss. Far more has to happen before most women and some men will feel the level of intimacy that would allow for anything more. This is when when your calculus skills come in handy.
Just in case my readers did not think calculus was worth thinking about (or that anyone who writes fluff would know it) remember that it involves how things change and often it is the rate of change that is critical in a relationship. Too slow and one can miss the fishing boat. Too fast and the fish get scared off. The timing for everyone involved has to feel right before the real magic of love or passion can step in and integrate two differential people into one relationship.
Dating on-line is not easier than when couples met on a dance floor at the high school gym. It is just faster now, and in many ways that makes it harder. We can be so caught up the drama and excitement of it all we forget that the social “niceties” are really a way to take the time to take it all in. Chemistry isn’t always there right away, and sometimes chemistry is standing right behind scared. It sometimes takes a slow reaction for chemistry to feel comfortable enough to come out and play.
Mr. D you've got most of the idea right and you sound like a fine fellow in my book. Take your time and think of dating more like taking a walk through a beautiful garden. Some of the flowers look fantastic but don't have a perfume, others smell great but are not gorgeous to look at and some are just perfect from the get go.
Darling Mr. D, Boys and Girls, there is no simple way to meet the love of your life or equation to make dating fool-proof. One can look for what seems like forever, trying many different mixtures of ingredients and find no one - or unexpectedly and mysteriously the right combination of elements are mixed and someone appears as though presented to you by destiny. Just remember that we are all rats in the laboratory of love, and the process of getting to the final formula should be fun and experienced to the fullest.
Have a Naughty Day!
Friday, March 12, 2010
It takes two to tango
Dear Miss Kitty,
My future mother in law is driving me crazy over the details of my wedding. I am not marrying her so why won’t she leave it alone?
Sandy, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Sandy,
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver, cheap and readily available.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I went on a great date last week. We had a wonderful dinner and ended up talking until 3am! We laughed, listened to each other and honestly, it felt like we had known each other for years. I felt like I was falling in love on the first date. Now she isn’t returning my calls or emails. I really don’t get it and it isn’t the first time. I go on these extraordinary dates and then the woman drops me. Why don’t they want to see me again after such a great time?
David S, SANTA BARBARA
Dear David,
Be it Tinker Toys or Skipper dolls, once upon a time, something had the ability to enthrall us for hours. Long before considering breakfast we would think nothing of building an imposing fort or changing Skipper’s outfit at least twelve times. In fact, stopping to consume a bowl of Cheerios was nothing but a big fat nuisance. No one thinks much about a kid that walks, talks and is living the Sea Monkey dream, but as we grow to some level of maturity we should be able to moderate the intensity that we feel for the Sea Monkeys and the time we want to spend with them. More is not always a good thing.
Although there are plenty of interesting women out there, when someone can go on so many AMAZING dates, they really should shut up shop and head to the tables in Vegas. Because truth be told, the dating odds just aren’t that good. So with a more normal win / loss ratio in mind, couldn’t it be possible that these “extraordinary” dates have more to do with chasing a feeling than chasing a woman? If “they” are not interested in a second date - let alone a phone call - perhaps the pleasure was rather one-sided?
Each time a ritual is repeated the brain makes more and more solid connections between the activity and the pleasure centers. Pleasure centers being part of the brain, not a massage parlor in Ventura! Trust me on this, your brain is not always rationally thinking of your best interests. Once a pattern is set, doing anything other than this now-ingrained pattern of behavior feels wrong, maybe even painful. So when a string of unbelievably fantastic dates turn into enough rope to hang the entire James Gang, perhaps it isn’t “them” - it could be your addiction to love. Be it antique stamps, booze or Skipper dolls; anything that someone needs for the temporary obliteration of reality in exchange for pure pleasure is an addiction.
If we stick with one thing and repeat, repeat and repeat, then the memory of the pleasure associated with the activity is intensified until it becomes an obsession. Caught up in the imagined pleasure of the date, it is impossible to pay attention to the reality of the evening. Being that people tend to be on their best behavior during a first date, it isn’t a surprise that “they” don’t show more than a hint of indifference if not outright surprise that an almost perfect stranger is “falling’ for them. Blinded by Illusory bliss, how could a love addict see that the intense emotions surging around are only swelling within one needy heart?
Although it seems that there is no way around this conundrum the brain can, with some guidance, allow for release from the hold that love addiction has. It is hard to beat the high from the intense feelings generated from the exiting newness and the possibilities of a new person. However, if this high is felt more than a few times in a lifetime (if that) it isn’t really love.
Darling David, Boys and Girls, knowing that perfection has been found on a first date is impossible. Thinking an exquisite relationship could be is in the realms of reality; however is. It really does take two to tango. The way to happiness and contentment is to love the self first and stop looking for love in every face you see. Once you find inner peace, even if it tends to come and go a bit, then you can share your amazing self with another. ‘The One” in a million is you – and once you realize that you are free to find another “The One”.
Have a naughty day!
My future mother in law is driving me crazy over the details of my wedding. I am not marrying her so why won’t she leave it alone?
Sandy, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Sandy,
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver, cheap and readily available.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I went on a great date last week. We had a wonderful dinner and ended up talking until 3am! We laughed, listened to each other and honestly, it felt like we had known each other for years. I felt like I was falling in love on the first date. Now she isn’t returning my calls or emails. I really don’t get it and it isn’t the first time. I go on these extraordinary dates and then the woman drops me. Why don’t they want to see me again after such a great time?
David S, SANTA BARBARA
Dear David,
Be it Tinker Toys or Skipper dolls, once upon a time, something had the ability to enthrall us for hours. Long before considering breakfast we would think nothing of building an imposing fort or changing Skipper’s outfit at least twelve times. In fact, stopping to consume a bowl of Cheerios was nothing but a big fat nuisance. No one thinks much about a kid that walks, talks and is living the Sea Monkey dream, but as we grow to some level of maturity we should be able to moderate the intensity that we feel for the Sea Monkeys and the time we want to spend with them. More is not always a good thing.
Although there are plenty of interesting women out there, when someone can go on so many AMAZING dates, they really should shut up shop and head to the tables in Vegas. Because truth be told, the dating odds just aren’t that good. So with a more normal win / loss ratio in mind, couldn’t it be possible that these “extraordinary” dates have more to do with chasing a feeling than chasing a woman? If “they” are not interested in a second date - let alone a phone call - perhaps the pleasure was rather one-sided?
Each time a ritual is repeated the brain makes more and more solid connections between the activity and the pleasure centers. Pleasure centers being part of the brain, not a massage parlor in Ventura! Trust me on this, your brain is not always rationally thinking of your best interests. Once a pattern is set, doing anything other than this now-ingrained pattern of behavior feels wrong, maybe even painful. So when a string of unbelievably fantastic dates turn into enough rope to hang the entire James Gang, perhaps it isn’t “them” - it could be your addiction to love. Be it antique stamps, booze or Skipper dolls; anything that someone needs for the temporary obliteration of reality in exchange for pure pleasure is an addiction.
If we stick with one thing and repeat, repeat and repeat, then the memory of the pleasure associated with the activity is intensified until it becomes an obsession. Caught up in the imagined pleasure of the date, it is impossible to pay attention to the reality of the evening. Being that people tend to be on their best behavior during a first date, it isn’t a surprise that “they” don’t show more than a hint of indifference if not outright surprise that an almost perfect stranger is “falling’ for them. Blinded by Illusory bliss, how could a love addict see that the intense emotions surging around are only swelling within one needy heart?
Although it seems that there is no way around this conundrum the brain can, with some guidance, allow for release from the hold that love addiction has. It is hard to beat the high from the intense feelings generated from the exiting newness and the possibilities of a new person. However, if this high is felt more than a few times in a lifetime (if that) it isn’t really love.
Darling David, Boys and Girls, knowing that perfection has been found on a first date is impossible. Thinking an exquisite relationship could be is in the realms of reality; however is. It really does take two to tango. The way to happiness and contentment is to love the self first and stop looking for love in every face you see. Once you find inner peace, even if it tends to come and go a bit, then you can share your amazing self with another. ‘The One” in a million is you – and once you realize that you are free to find another “The One”.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Baring loss
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating someone for 2 months. Three days ago I left my laptop at his house and when I stopped by later that night to pick it up, he came to the door naked, stunk of wine and wouldn’t let me in. I heard a women’s voice coming from his room. The next day he said it meant nothing and wants me to forgive him. Should I? I thought I loved him… Maybe he was just drunk?
Christina, SANTA BARBARA.
Darling Christina,
In the immortal notes of Beethoven’s 5th, Da, Da Da, Dum.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend has left me for another girl. He and I were so close. Best friends as well as lovers. I am really angry and cannot stop thinking about the other girl and how I hate her for stealing my boyfriend. How can I get him back?
Diana, MONTECITO
Dear Diana,
Most of us can remember even the little losses of childhood as if it was yesterday. (Let me know if you see a red kool-aid dispenser at a swap meet.) Without a doubt loss is one of the hardest emotions to bare, but it tells us what it means to be human. Loss can be so painful it becomes easier to transfer the feeling into something simpler to experience, like anger. When there is a third party in the mix, it is all too easy to make them the “Boogie Man”, or in this case, the “Boogie Girl”. Although Boogie Girl sounds more like a roller derby star or disco tune from the 70’s, what she becomes is the dumping ground for all the realities that don’t want to be faced, in the face of loss.
Boogey Girl belongs to the present - which means she can never be part of the love and fun that you and your ex shared. What she will get is a new experience, just for her. She can’t have the relationship that you had and she isn’t taking anything from you since what you thought you had, you obviously didn’t. Your ex is not a precious painting in a Museum: vulnerable and attached to a wall, security at the ready and then stolen in the dead of night. He chose to not be with you. His leaving you really had little to do with you or Boogey Girl. It had everything to do with him.
In any relationship, part of the mind becomes attached to not only that relationship, but to the partner as well. It is no wonder that right now you want him back. It is like giving a puppy a treat whenever it comes to you. The puppy soon thinks that coming to you means a treat. Stop giving the treat too soon and the puppy becomes confused and will eat your socks. Hating the other girl is like giving treats to the puppy and keeps the cycle going. You can’t get over it, but you can get through it - and to do so means to change your hatred into positive thoughts about your life.
Although you have intense feelings about this now your mind has the fantastic ability to let these feelings float away, if you let it. You really do not have to do anything except to stop feeding the puppy treats. This may cause some confusion and painful reality but it will be only a temporary result. If you can’t stop thinking about this breakup, try focusing on the good times you had and realize that in growing from this adversity, you will manifest many other times in your life that will be just as good – experienced by yourself and with someone else who is even better.
So Darling Diana, Boys, Girls, and those who think I pontificate; although the desire to have back someone you’ve lost can be intense, what you want back is something that now has only the capacity to be a memory. Stings a bit doesn’t it? Loves lost and lovers lost too soon may only be memories, but memories are ours to keep and to grow from in the present. And no one can take a memory away until we decide to lose it ourselves.
Have a naughty day!
I have been dating someone for 2 months. Three days ago I left my laptop at his house and when I stopped by later that night to pick it up, he came to the door naked, stunk of wine and wouldn’t let me in. I heard a women’s voice coming from his room. The next day he said it meant nothing and wants me to forgive him. Should I? I thought I loved him… Maybe he was just drunk?
Christina, SANTA BARBARA.
Darling Christina,
In the immortal notes of Beethoven’s 5th, Da, Da Da, Dum.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend has left me for another girl. He and I were so close. Best friends as well as lovers. I am really angry and cannot stop thinking about the other girl and how I hate her for stealing my boyfriend. How can I get him back?
Diana, MONTECITO
Dear Diana,
Most of us can remember even the little losses of childhood as if it was yesterday. (Let me know if you see a red kool-aid dispenser at a swap meet.) Without a doubt loss is one of the hardest emotions to bare, but it tells us what it means to be human. Loss can be so painful it becomes easier to transfer the feeling into something simpler to experience, like anger. When there is a third party in the mix, it is all too easy to make them the “Boogie Man”, or in this case, the “Boogie Girl”. Although Boogie Girl sounds more like a roller derby star or disco tune from the 70’s, what she becomes is the dumping ground for all the realities that don’t want to be faced, in the face of loss.
Boogey Girl belongs to the present - which means she can never be part of the love and fun that you and your ex shared. What she will get is a new experience, just for her. She can’t have the relationship that you had and she isn’t taking anything from you since what you thought you had, you obviously didn’t. Your ex is not a precious painting in a Museum: vulnerable and attached to a wall, security at the ready and then stolen in the dead of night. He chose to not be with you. His leaving you really had little to do with you or Boogey Girl. It had everything to do with him.
In any relationship, part of the mind becomes attached to not only that relationship, but to the partner as well. It is no wonder that right now you want him back. It is like giving a puppy a treat whenever it comes to you. The puppy soon thinks that coming to you means a treat. Stop giving the treat too soon and the puppy becomes confused and will eat your socks. Hating the other girl is like giving treats to the puppy and keeps the cycle going. You can’t get over it, but you can get through it - and to do so means to change your hatred into positive thoughts about your life.
Although you have intense feelings about this now your mind has the fantastic ability to let these feelings float away, if you let it. You really do not have to do anything except to stop feeding the puppy treats. This may cause some confusion and painful reality but it will be only a temporary result. If you can’t stop thinking about this breakup, try focusing on the good times you had and realize that in growing from this adversity, you will manifest many other times in your life that will be just as good – experienced by yourself and with someone else who is even better.
So Darling Diana, Boys, Girls, and those who think I pontificate; although the desire to have back someone you’ve lost can be intense, what you want back is something that now has only the capacity to be a memory. Stings a bit doesn’t it? Loves lost and lovers lost too soon may only be memories, but memories are ours to keep and to grow from in the present. And no one can take a memory away until we decide to lose it ourselves.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Swimming in the e-dating pool
Dear Miss Kitty,
I am retired over 65 and alone. I have been trying to find a female companion on the internet dating services for nearly two years. I must be doing something wrong because I haven't found anyone for a long term relationship. I think the problem is age. Older women, post menopausal, do not seem interested in sex but most guys I know still want to have this level of intimacy. The women who give a clear message that they want to be intimate are at least 10-20 years younger, in their 50's. They don't want older men as they are worried about being the care giver when we get even older. But the men their age are looking for 30 year olds!! It looks like a Catch 22. Do you see a solution?
“Good Credit but A-loan”...Goleta
Dear Good Credit but A-loan,
As the cowboy said to the bull, “This ain’t my first rodeo!” MK’s inbox has more questions regarding the crazier-by-the-year dating world, then any other topic. Second only to infidelity, modern dating has more facets than the Hope Diamond and just as many scary stories. Cruise titles at the local book shop and it’s obvious that many women, as they get older, drop off the libido cliff. No doubt there are exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking what the libido lacks is made up in travel to exotic lands. (Now you know why cruise ships are so popular).
First of all this isn’t so much an intimacy issue as an education in candor, or rather the lack of it. Complete honesty is not what on-line dating profiles are about. “Holy web-trick Batman!” Yes Robin, e-dating is closer to used car sales than bible study. Think of dating profiles as just the tiny tip of an iceberg - and consider the Titanic while you do so. The real persona is always buried far below the surface.
So if unabashed honesty can’t be relied upon are the e-dating services useful? Yes and no. They are a boon for the very shy or when someone is concentrated in their pursuit of a mate. For most of us in between these extremes the use of the information superhighway is a tremendous way to meet people. However no shopping for side by side burial plots until the sixth date! On-line profiles are most like a trailer for a movie, a little taste that may or may not reflect the flavor of the entire film. Expectations for the feature film are realistically tempered when it’s understood that the trailer is made to grab your attention and get you in the theater.
Truth be told, do we really ever know anyone? The reality is you can’t even begin to know someone until you sit face to face and soul to soul. Even after a lifetime, there will be mysteries that can never be unraveled. Have fun with the creative ad-campaigns in the world of the web, but after the initial attention-grabbing trailer get to know someone the old-fashioned way. Talk. Share stories. Listen. Then you can enjoy the experience while you get to know them – and maybe learn to love them.
Darling A-Loan, Boys and Girls; if you are swimming in the e-dating pool at least play by the few rules that do exist. The most important being, don’t put yourself out there if you are really not interested. Just because your well-meaning friends tell you should date doesn’t mean you should. It isn’t fair to you or anyone that might like to get to know you better. We may be entitled to the pursuit of happiness, but the cherry on the sundae takes more than a little work.
Have a naughty day!
I am retired over 65 and alone. I have been trying to find a female companion on the internet dating services for nearly two years. I must be doing something wrong because I haven't found anyone for a long term relationship. I think the problem is age. Older women, post menopausal, do not seem interested in sex but most guys I know still want to have this level of intimacy. The women who give a clear message that they want to be intimate are at least 10-20 years younger, in their 50's. They don't want older men as they are worried about being the care giver when we get even older. But the men their age are looking for 30 year olds!! It looks like a Catch 22. Do you see a solution?
“Good Credit but A-loan”...Goleta
Dear Good Credit but A-loan,
As the cowboy said to the bull, “This ain’t my first rodeo!” MK’s inbox has more questions regarding the crazier-by-the-year dating world, then any other topic. Second only to infidelity, modern dating has more facets than the Hope Diamond and just as many scary stories. Cruise titles at the local book shop and it’s obvious that many women, as they get older, drop off the libido cliff. No doubt there are exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking what the libido lacks is made up in travel to exotic lands. (Now you know why cruise ships are so popular).
First of all this isn’t so much an intimacy issue as an education in candor, or rather the lack of it. Complete honesty is not what on-line dating profiles are about. “Holy web-trick Batman!” Yes Robin, e-dating is closer to used car sales than bible study. Think of dating profiles as just the tiny tip of an iceberg - and consider the Titanic while you do so. The real persona is always buried far below the surface.
So if unabashed honesty can’t be relied upon are the e-dating services useful? Yes and no. They are a boon for the very shy or when someone is concentrated in their pursuit of a mate. For most of us in between these extremes the use of the information superhighway is a tremendous way to meet people. However no shopping for side by side burial plots until the sixth date! On-line profiles are most like a trailer for a movie, a little taste that may or may not reflect the flavor of the entire film. Expectations for the feature film are realistically tempered when it’s understood that the trailer is made to grab your attention and get you in the theater.
Truth be told, do we really ever know anyone? The reality is you can’t even begin to know someone until you sit face to face and soul to soul. Even after a lifetime, there will be mysteries that can never be unraveled. Have fun with the creative ad-campaigns in the world of the web, but after the initial attention-grabbing trailer get to know someone the old-fashioned way. Talk. Share stories. Listen. Then you can enjoy the experience while you get to know them – and maybe learn to love them.
Darling A-Loan, Boys and Girls; if you are swimming in the e-dating pool at least play by the few rules that do exist. The most important being, don’t put yourself out there if you are really not interested. Just because your well-meaning friends tell you should date doesn’t mean you should. It isn’t fair to you or anyone that might like to get to know you better. We may be entitled to the pursuit of happiness, but the cherry on the sundae takes more than a little work.
Have a naughty day!
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