Here You Are - Where Am I?

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I have been together for many years. As much as I like our relationship I am becoming aware that I don’t really know myself anymore. I know what “we” like, but not me. How do I find me again without threatening my husband’s feelings?
BR, Santa Barbara



Dear BR,
Deep within the complex web that is a relationship it is easy to become lost. The self can fade away to the point where even others confuse whom they spoke with. As together as a “we” can be, the reality is that we are separate individuals. Our goals, dreams and morals, as similar as they may be to a partner’s, are ultimately ours alone. Time apart and personal differences are not only what we need, it is what we require to be together happily ever after.

So what do we do when a life changing moment or a radical realization within our relationship changes our sense of who we are or whom we are with? The gradual feeling that our identity has merged beyond recognition into an “us” instead of a “you and me” can feel like dancing solo in a ballroom filled with couples - and not knowing the steps.

Knowing how to follow the bread crumbs home again is crucial. The wise know that the easiest way back is when holding hands. The time to get closer is actually when one is feeling the most apart and lost. Although being close instinctively feels like one could lose even more of one’s sense of self - this is never the case. By being close and risking intimacy - which encourages all-important trust - we allow the mutual communication and support to assist us in finding the way to where our own choices and desires are clear.

Our identity is born with as many factors as there are influences around our cradle. When we are old enough to realize whom is around - and just as importantly - who isn’t, we begin to set the stones of who we will be. Later on, it’s the people we allow to share our bed that are our mirrors; sometimes as distorted as those in a fun house. Finally, it is the ones that stand around our grave that we have influenced.

It is nothing less than the hardest of jobs to figure out what makes us tick and then make sure we like the sound of it. It is difficult to travel within the subtle layers of pleasing one’s partner and pleasing the self, while at the same time making sure we live in congruence with our determined values. The definitions of “selfish” will become blurred, as we re-think what we need to feel content. For a while, it will feel uncomfortable to think of the self first. For a while it will seem unfamiliar and wrong – even painful. But because you are finding yourself again, within the arms of another, it will eventually become very right and appreciated by the both of you.

No one is more attractive and lovable than when they are filled with joy, purpose, and truly know whom they are.

Have a naughty day!