Dear Miss Kitty,
A few weeks ago, I wrote to you and confessed that I had cheated on my boyfriend. Your advice was to tell him the truth and “face the music”. After that, he wrote to you, and you suggested to him that what to do next was all his decision and I had to just take it. Well, he dumped me. Of course I now know (a little too late) that he was planning to propose later this summer and so I am writing to you from a friends place (I have had to move out) and have never felt so horrible in my life. I have to start my life over again without my best friend. I know he still loves me so why didn’t you tell him to give me another chance? People can change and they do it when they know that they have really messed up!
Ashley, Santa Barbara
Dear Ashley,
Deep in the mysterious cavern of regret, hoards of “should haves” and “could haves” live side by side in the murky yellowish grey vapor. There is no temperature control here and there is no rest for the wicked. Tossing and turning with remorse and self pity, it is easy to ask for second, third, even fourth chances. But isn’t asking forgiveness a cheap trick in light of the work you really need to do? Doesn’t pleading for another opportunity to “get it right” put the onus on the innocent one for all you have brought into play? Is it even reasonable to think anyone would want to help? If there was a completely honest assessment of this situation, asking for anything would be the last thing on your mind.
If there is real understanding and TRUE remorse in moral terms, it is possible with time, that the outcome could be different. The often-used prettily packaged and highly processed version of morals won’t work here. It might with a lesser individual within a relationship that is shaky on a regular basis, but only with a person that knows their own value - a person whose character is mature – does being the “real deal” have a glimmer of a chance. That takes time, maybe more time than he is willing to give you - but any time will be well spent for your own personal growth and your next relationship.
Darling Boys, Girls and Ashley, knowing truth for the first time is a daunting process. It can shake you to your very core with it’s gentle but demanding ideals. It is finding and claiming the deepest personal part of your very self. It is a bone-deep sense of right and wrong that never wavers. In the beginning it is harder to walk this road then to swear off jelly doughnuts forever, but when there is something of great value at stake, there is the impetus to dig in and begin this infinitely worthwhile process.
Staring this journey now is wonderful, but using it to manipulate someone to change their thoughts and decisions should not be the motivation. When asking for another chance, what is going on is not about “another chance” at all, it is about asking someone to take a risk. Why would anyone take a risk when the evidence is stacked higher than a pastrami sandwich in a New York Deli that you could cheat again?
Change never happens overnight and it never happens with a gun to its head. Nothing in you has had the time to change except your comfortable existence in the arms of a loving man, which has been traded for a temporary couch and the ghost of those once comforting arms.
And speaking of those arms, it is not surprising that he still loves you. The fact that he does has nothing to do with his taking you back or not. Anger, sadness, and confusion are common bedfellows to love, and just because trust has grown wings and left the party does not mean that love is jumping in the same cab. For all its glory, love can linger regardless of extraordinary pain - and that is why you need to give him space and honor his decision for this relationship to end. Think on this for a bit, if you value him so much, would you want him to be with someone, anyone that has the possibility of hurting him? When you are no longer have the possibility within you to intentionally hurt him, maybe then he can forgive you and then again, maybe not. In other words, you can’t lick the frosting of a cake and expect it to be there in the morning.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Waiting Out the Pain
Dear Miss Kitty,
Last week you answered a reader who had cheated on her boyfriend. You told her she had to tell him what happened and let him decide what to do next. Ironic as it sounds, not only did I read that particular column - I was the boyfriend. She took your (excellent and thank you for that) advice and told me. She was right, I am devastated. For the record, we are not kids. Both in our mid-30’s, each with a previous marriage under our belts, I really thought I had found the one. In fact, what she didn’t know is that I was planning to propose later this summer. I know I am not thinking very straight since she is the last person I would have thought could have done this and as you know, she swears she would never do it again. Since you know the story and apparently so does all of Santa Barbara, what do I do now?
Mike, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Mike,
To begin with, I feel your pain and so does anyone that has ever been the recipient of a cheating partner. As much as it may feel like fresh lemon juice on a paper cut, be glad she fessed up and you now know the truth. There are many unknowingly slighted victims of such scandalous behavior that are never told, and are innocently living a lie. (How do you think that would feel twenty years later)?
I am not trying to make you feel better by the way; I would never do that and you have every right to whatever you are feeling. Being compromised by someones conscience choice is a rotten place to be. At the same time this is not the work of Satan. This is the work of your “beloved”.
Which bring us to the quote of the week courtesy of Sir Walter Scott. “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” How does one untangle a web so one can clearly make a healthy decision at this point in time? Is it possible to repair the damage? Is it plausible to consider that she can be trusted? Should a relationship survive when the foundation, i.e. the trust is now as cracked as a California State Freeway after an 8.6 earthquake?
I have a remote crystal ball so lets look into your head and see just where you are right now. I see a few evil thoughts of retribution, a lot of sorrow, the kind of pain that lurks in the solar plexus, a very large slice of sausage and pepperoni pizza, and a whole lot of questions. In fact there are so many questions in that head, it looks like the Riddler is running around naked because you have his green jumpsuit stuck between your frontal and temporal lobes.
As much a few peanut butter cookies with a beer chaser might help for a while, there is no immediate remedy and no reason to have a plan. With the wind taken out of yours sails, how could you possibly go anywhere safely?
With that in mind, take the pressure off yourself and make no decisions. Let the questions swirl in and out and pick two colors. Attribute one of the colors to you and one to you-know-who. The questions after such a shock are like a temporary but severe case of OCD and they need to be managed. The problem is that most of the questions are not manageable by you, because they have nothing to do with you. Especially the ones about “the other guy”. Breathe, Mike, Breathe….
When a question comes in, grab it with your mind and qualify it: is it about you or her? (That’s were the colors come in, because even serious thinking should have some style).
If it’s a “you” question, make it orange and write it down. Think about it.
Right now it's all about you - what you believe in, value and want for yourself. It’s not about “the relationship”. If the perplexing problem belongs to “her”, make it red and let it go. You can not answer it and there is no point in trying. Speaking of her, you will also want to stay away from Satan’s spawn, oh EXCUSE me, I mean your "girlfriend for a while". (I apologize about that catty little remark but it slipped out. Nothing makes me feel like scratching out eyes more than the lack of respect that is shown when someone cheats or lies).
As much as you would like to, you can not, in all honesty, trust her right now and it would not be in your best interests to do so. This was obviously a serious relationship since you were considering marriage and a lot of thought needs to happen before any action is taken. Eventually, when you look back from a happy time in the future, you will know you made the right choice.
Darling Mike, Boys and Girls, Staples sells relationship signs, “Give it a chance”, “Love conquers all” and “Dump the -you-know-what”. Only you can decide - and decide only when you are ready to do so.
Have a naughty day!
Last week you answered a reader who had cheated on her boyfriend. You told her she had to tell him what happened and let him decide what to do next. Ironic as it sounds, not only did I read that particular column - I was the boyfriend. She took your (excellent and thank you for that) advice and told me. She was right, I am devastated. For the record, we are not kids. Both in our mid-30’s, each with a previous marriage under our belts, I really thought I had found the one. In fact, what she didn’t know is that I was planning to propose later this summer. I know I am not thinking very straight since she is the last person I would have thought could have done this and as you know, she swears she would never do it again. Since you know the story and apparently so does all of Santa Barbara, what do I do now?
Mike, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Mike,
To begin with, I feel your pain and so does anyone that has ever been the recipient of a cheating partner. As much as it may feel like fresh lemon juice on a paper cut, be glad she fessed up and you now know the truth. There are many unknowingly slighted victims of such scandalous behavior that are never told, and are innocently living a lie. (How do you think that would feel twenty years later)?
I am not trying to make you feel better by the way; I would never do that and you have every right to whatever you are feeling. Being compromised by someones conscience choice is a rotten place to be. At the same time this is not the work of Satan. This is the work of your “beloved”.
Which bring us to the quote of the week courtesy of Sir Walter Scott. “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” How does one untangle a web so one can clearly make a healthy decision at this point in time? Is it possible to repair the damage? Is it plausible to consider that she can be trusted? Should a relationship survive when the foundation, i.e. the trust is now as cracked as a California State Freeway after an 8.6 earthquake?
I have a remote crystal ball so lets look into your head and see just where you are right now. I see a few evil thoughts of retribution, a lot of sorrow, the kind of pain that lurks in the solar plexus, a very large slice of sausage and pepperoni pizza, and a whole lot of questions. In fact there are so many questions in that head, it looks like the Riddler is running around naked because you have his green jumpsuit stuck between your frontal and temporal lobes.
As much a few peanut butter cookies with a beer chaser might help for a while, there is no immediate remedy and no reason to have a plan. With the wind taken out of yours sails, how could you possibly go anywhere safely?
With that in mind, take the pressure off yourself and make no decisions. Let the questions swirl in and out and pick two colors. Attribute one of the colors to you and one to you-know-who. The questions after such a shock are like a temporary but severe case of OCD and they need to be managed. The problem is that most of the questions are not manageable by you, because they have nothing to do with you. Especially the ones about “the other guy”. Breathe, Mike, Breathe….
When a question comes in, grab it with your mind and qualify it: is it about you or her? (That’s were the colors come in, because even serious thinking should have some style).
If it’s a “you” question, make it orange and write it down. Think about it.
Right now it's all about you - what you believe in, value and want for yourself. It’s not about “the relationship”. If the perplexing problem belongs to “her”, make it red and let it go. You can not answer it and there is no point in trying. Speaking of her, you will also want to stay away from Satan’s spawn, oh EXCUSE me, I mean your "girlfriend for a while". (I apologize about that catty little remark but it slipped out. Nothing makes me feel like scratching out eyes more than the lack of respect that is shown when someone cheats or lies).
As much as you would like to, you can not, in all honesty, trust her right now and it would not be in your best interests to do so. This was obviously a serious relationship since you were considering marriage and a lot of thought needs to happen before any action is taken. Eventually, when you look back from a happy time in the future, you will know you made the right choice.
Darling Mike, Boys and Girls, Staples sells relationship signs, “Give it a chance”, “Love conquers all” and “Dump the -you-know-what”. Only you can decide - and decide only when you are ready to do so.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Facing The Music
Dear Miss Kitty,
I can’t believe I am writing for advice, but I don’t want any of my friends to know what I did and I really need to get some help. I had too much to drink a few months ago and I cheated on my BF. I only did it this once and I am racked with guilt. Do I tell him? If I do, he will be devastated and I know I will NEVER do it again. Help!
Ashley, Santa Barbara
DEAR ASHLEY,
Since we can’t live our lives backwards and orchestrate the picture-perfect life, we all need personal ethical codes in place to help us mitigate the possible sting of inappropriate moments. Moments that are never worth the havoc that they create are eliminated because there is a personal line that is never crossed - with no exceptions. These codes are set firmly in place to keep us safe, sound and content, amidst a swirling world of greener grass and temporary insanity.
Knowing that we have learned a lesson - albeit the hard way - is not enough to make good (even for a moment) our rationalization that the behavior was acceptable in the first place. As easy as it might be, blame can not be dropped at the feet of Mr. Jim Beam, Mr. Jack Daniels or even Senor Jose Cuervo. Deep down there is always a moment when we know exactly what we are doing. The deep angst that is felt after a haul across the “finished” line is almost audible, as the desire to undo what has been done resounds through every moment of the present.
As cruel as some of the Darling Boys and Girls might think it I am, from these green cats’ eyes, I think you need to experience all the pain you are feeling. If you thought for even one minute that there would be a simile-laden loophole in the Miss Kitty Guide to Appropriate Relationship Behavior, you were as wrong as a young pig trying out for the San Francisco Opera Company.
Remorse can be a beautiful thing. In fact, it might be the one thing that will take you to a place where you can contemplate why you have it in you to misrepresent yourself in such a grand manner. As sad as it is the haunting words, “he will be devastated” didn’t seem to carry any weight when you were caught up in the moment, but perhaps they can help you now because you really - without any question - have to tell him what happened. The telling is not a release of remorse, the telling is not to release you from the pain you have put yourself in; the telling is because he has a right to know whom you really are.
That truth is that you are able to compromise your relationship as well as yourself and this kind of information is never on a need-to-know basis.
Darling Ashley, as tough as it is going to be - and it will be - you can do it. This is the only way to honestly have a part in this relationship or if he chooses to, leave it. After you tell him, the next move belongs entirely to him, and he gets as much time as he likes to deal with it. As uncomfortable as that is, remember just who put this nasty little conversation into play.
Have a not so naughty day!
I can’t believe I am writing for advice, but I don’t want any of my friends to know what I did and I really need to get some help. I had too much to drink a few months ago and I cheated on my BF. I only did it this once and I am racked with guilt. Do I tell him? If I do, he will be devastated and I know I will NEVER do it again. Help!
Ashley, Santa Barbara
DEAR ASHLEY,
Since we can’t live our lives backwards and orchestrate the picture-perfect life, we all need personal ethical codes in place to help us mitigate the possible sting of inappropriate moments. Moments that are never worth the havoc that they create are eliminated because there is a personal line that is never crossed - with no exceptions. These codes are set firmly in place to keep us safe, sound and content, amidst a swirling world of greener grass and temporary insanity.
Knowing that we have learned a lesson - albeit the hard way - is not enough to make good (even for a moment) our rationalization that the behavior was acceptable in the first place. As easy as it might be, blame can not be dropped at the feet of Mr. Jim Beam, Mr. Jack Daniels or even Senor Jose Cuervo. Deep down there is always a moment when we know exactly what we are doing. The deep angst that is felt after a haul across the “finished” line is almost audible, as the desire to undo what has been done resounds through every moment of the present.
As cruel as some of the Darling Boys and Girls might think it I am, from these green cats’ eyes, I think you need to experience all the pain you are feeling. If you thought for even one minute that there would be a simile-laden loophole in the Miss Kitty Guide to Appropriate Relationship Behavior, you were as wrong as a young pig trying out for the San Francisco Opera Company.
Remorse can be a beautiful thing. In fact, it might be the one thing that will take you to a place where you can contemplate why you have it in you to misrepresent yourself in such a grand manner. As sad as it is the haunting words, “he will be devastated” didn’t seem to carry any weight when you were caught up in the moment, but perhaps they can help you now because you really - without any question - have to tell him what happened. The telling is not a release of remorse, the telling is not to release you from the pain you have put yourself in; the telling is because he has a right to know whom you really are.
That truth is that you are able to compromise your relationship as well as yourself and this kind of information is never on a need-to-know basis.
Darling Ashley, as tough as it is going to be - and it will be - you can do it. This is the only way to honestly have a part in this relationship or if he chooses to, leave it. After you tell him, the next move belongs entirely to him, and he gets as much time as he likes to deal with it. As uncomfortable as that is, remember just who put this nasty little conversation into play.
Have a not so naughty day!
Friday, July 4, 2008
Good Cookies and Bad Fireworks
Dear Miss Kitty,
This year I have had three boyfriends. Each relationship lasted about 2 months. Nothing hideous happened, I just knew that what I ultimately needed wasn’t there and I didn’t want to waste my time. Several friends of mine are appalled and think I should have “tried” to make it work, especially the last one. Is there a rule or time frame regarding testing someone out?
Lisa, Montecito
Dear Lisa,
Software can be downloaded free to be examined before purchase; food can be ordered, tasted and sent back to the kitchen if it doesn’t meet with approval; and relationships can be tried, tested and (based on discovered data), be returned - but never from whence they came. Nothing life-changing is going to happen when sniffing the cork, having a little sip and making a decision to drink or not to drink, but when it comes to sniffing out the truth of what someone can - and can not - be for you, there is some level of nose-wrinkling sourness. That being said, enduring some consequence is always worth avoiding a big mistake.
It is praiseworthy to know what you want and even more commendable to actually be so true to your ideals that you are willing to say “next!” so quickly. On the other hand - and there always is another hand (unless you are the Venus di Milo) - checking into the psyche before checking into another hotel is usually a good practice to start with.
Are relationship ideals too-often set to a standard where no human being could ever manage to scale the heights of such perfection? Does this ability to catalog character flaws lead straight to the path of least commitment? Where is the line in the sand when it comes to what we will and will not “take” when it comes to another person’s persona?
Let’s pretend her psyche-work has been done and there are no commitment anxieties, phobias or other relationship issues as a whole to stop Miss Lisa from having a satisfying relationship. She has made it clear that there is no need to wear a hair shirt and endure less than what she wants - and she knows it at two months (By the way, a hair shirt relationship is when the relationship feels itchy, uncomfortable and down right wrong, but you continue because you really haven’t done your work yet). This appears to be a sound and very reasonable approach (Miss Lisa, come into Purrmission and claim your free pink panties for being so smart).
Considering that most people are on their best behavior (in order to get a cookie or something better) during the first two months of dating, if someone’s lack of something or too much of something else are not suitable (regardless of the rationale), it is a sign. It takes a whole lot of love to forgive, overlook and generally not be bothered by something, be it big or small. If an idiosyncrasy or plain old incompatibility is rising to the top, like oil on water, it does mean this person is not for you.
Scene 1. A couple is on their third date at a charming little bistro. So far, there haven’t been 4th of July Fireworks, but things are humming along nicely. Her dinner arrives stone cold and she has a fit worthy of Paris Hilton finding out that her Prada is a fake. Somewhat in shock, he decides that anyone that would go so Norman Bates over a chilly dish isn’t someone he would like to spend his time with. Darling Boys and Girls, (not Lisa, as hopefully she would catch this) our errant diner APOLOGIZES and says she doesn’t know what came over her and is SO sorry and had a TERRIBLE week. What does our easily loveable man do? A. Overlook the faux pas completely. B. Take note of the behavior and make a mental “oops” mark on his checklist. C. Skip desert, skip the Bates Motel and get back on Match.com.
As harsh as it may seem, most nice people (because we are trained to be polite over taking care of ourselves) would give Miss Attitude another chance. Should they? Absolutely not - and here’s why: She obviously forgot about the cookie, slipped into her real psycho-self, and her real psycho-self still has some work to do before she is ready to be in a loving and healthy relationship.
There is no way anyone can know everything in two months, as it takes a lifetime to really know another human being. Fifty or so days are enough time to see, hear and feel, and at least have a glimmer of reality. If the reality you find out in the first fifty ends up not being worthy of your precious self, it is more than reasonable to move on. If one is racking up relationships faster than a race car across the finish line, one might consider being a bit more particular about the ride, but that is a column for another time.
Have a naughty day!
This year I have had three boyfriends. Each relationship lasted about 2 months. Nothing hideous happened, I just knew that what I ultimately needed wasn’t there and I didn’t want to waste my time. Several friends of mine are appalled and think I should have “tried” to make it work, especially the last one. Is there a rule or time frame regarding testing someone out?
Lisa, Montecito
Dear Lisa,
Software can be downloaded free to be examined before purchase; food can be ordered, tasted and sent back to the kitchen if it doesn’t meet with approval; and relationships can be tried, tested and (based on discovered data), be returned - but never from whence they came. Nothing life-changing is going to happen when sniffing the cork, having a little sip and making a decision to drink or not to drink, but when it comes to sniffing out the truth of what someone can - and can not - be for you, there is some level of nose-wrinkling sourness. That being said, enduring some consequence is always worth avoiding a big mistake.
It is praiseworthy to know what you want and even more commendable to actually be so true to your ideals that you are willing to say “next!” so quickly. On the other hand - and there always is another hand (unless you are the Venus di Milo) - checking into the psyche before checking into another hotel is usually a good practice to start with.
Are relationship ideals too-often set to a standard where no human being could ever manage to scale the heights of such perfection? Does this ability to catalog character flaws lead straight to the path of least commitment? Where is the line in the sand when it comes to what we will and will not “take” when it comes to another person’s persona?
Let’s pretend her psyche-work has been done and there are no commitment anxieties, phobias or other relationship issues as a whole to stop Miss Lisa from having a satisfying relationship. She has made it clear that there is no need to wear a hair shirt and endure less than what she wants - and she knows it at two months (By the way, a hair shirt relationship is when the relationship feels itchy, uncomfortable and down right wrong, but you continue because you really haven’t done your work yet). This appears to be a sound and very reasonable approach (Miss Lisa, come into Purrmission and claim your free pink panties for being so smart).
Considering that most people are on their best behavior (in order to get a cookie or something better) during the first two months of dating, if someone’s lack of something or too much of something else are not suitable (regardless of the rationale), it is a sign. It takes a whole lot of love to forgive, overlook and generally not be bothered by something, be it big or small. If an idiosyncrasy or plain old incompatibility is rising to the top, like oil on water, it does mean this person is not for you.
Scene 1. A couple is on their third date at a charming little bistro. So far, there haven’t been 4th of July Fireworks, but things are humming along nicely. Her dinner arrives stone cold and she has a fit worthy of Paris Hilton finding out that her Prada is a fake. Somewhat in shock, he decides that anyone that would go so Norman Bates over a chilly dish isn’t someone he would like to spend his time with. Darling Boys and Girls, (not Lisa, as hopefully she would catch this) our errant diner APOLOGIZES and says she doesn’t know what came over her and is SO sorry and had a TERRIBLE week. What does our easily loveable man do? A. Overlook the faux pas completely. B. Take note of the behavior and make a mental “oops” mark on his checklist. C. Skip desert, skip the Bates Motel and get back on Match.com.
As harsh as it may seem, most nice people (because we are trained to be polite over taking care of ourselves) would give Miss Attitude another chance. Should they? Absolutely not - and here’s why: She obviously forgot about the cookie, slipped into her real psycho-self, and her real psycho-self still has some work to do before she is ready to be in a loving and healthy relationship.
There is no way anyone can know everything in two months, as it takes a lifetime to really know another human being. Fifty or so days are enough time to see, hear and feel, and at least have a glimmer of reality. If the reality you find out in the first fifty ends up not being worthy of your precious self, it is more than reasonable to move on. If one is racking up relationships faster than a race car across the finish line, one might consider being a bit more particular about the ride, but that is a column for another time.
Have a naughty day!
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