We seek out a partner looking for what compliments us. We want someone that shows our best self back to us and is compatible on a daily basis. Someone that keeps us on our toes and lets us rest on our laurels. Both liking sourdough bread and being night owls is pretty close to perfection, but wouldn’t it be even more perfect, if being in relationship with that same person, allowed us to bring out our darker self? The one we don’t like, and couldn’t imagine anyone else liking either?
This bad self within is like an unwelcome spirit of evil and mischief intent, the perpetrator of our less than stellar habits, addictions and tarnished ways of viewing the world. Like any errant spirit, a firm hand and even firmer direction is needed to say adieu on a permanent basis. Having a willing ally in the fight, is even better than toast in bed at 3am. It seems that in paradise, when an ugly duckling shows up, it has the distinct potential to be a swan.
So does it, for more than a fleeting moment “ruin” the relationship to find that the sweet moments have to be mixed in with the sour? Will the complete reality of our partner leave a bad taste in our mouth forever or can we learn to appreciate the new and complex flavors of deeper meaning? When exorcizing what has hitched a ride onto to us, and like a sneaky PI, continues to shadow our present, it is worth bring out the seriously big guns of compassionate confrontation and harshly -real -truth to get to an even deeper level of intimacy. When dealing with the toughest of issues, a direct approach is crucial and possibly the only real fix.
Not only is this freeing and uniquely bonding, but being able to engage and confront our own reactions to someone else’s hellions can allow us to search out and destroy our own little goblins and that is a bonus prize like no other. The misty unknown portion of why we choose our partners can come to light when we have the impetus to help and heal each other.
When we aspire to know each other so intimately, allowing our demons to join us on the couch without reservation, we are given bursts of clarity that empower and lift our old restrictions regarding what we can and will do for someone we love. For devilish behavior only has power over a couple when it lives alone, secret and hidden from love. When nasty little secrets are out in the open, with our full and benevolent attention upon them, the NLS’s go through phases.
They don’t like to be examined up close and personal so they try anything and everything to frighten us off the path of exposure. They will deny their own existence right to your face and then give the silent treatment just to prove the point. They will attempt to sweet talk you into thinking they aren’t really so bad and maybe you could learn to like them. When you now see the demon for what it is, it will bite, kick and struggle like no tomorrow. When in the midst of the worst of the fight, if you are willing to hold it very close for a long time, eventually it will submit to you.
Dear Boys, Girls It takes time to bring our evils around, but with continued clemency our demons will become angels, bowing before us. We will be able to understand them completely, deal with them fairly and let them go, when we are so ready we will never be tempted to invite them back. When we learn to value and respect that from adversity comes opportunity, we grow. When we learn to trust that we could actually be loved for all we are, the good, the bad and the ugly, we become grown ups.
Have a naughty day!
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Friday, February 29, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Voodoo Love
Dear Miss Kitty,
As sad as it may be, I will admit to you that I have never had a relationship of any significance in which I was not lied to and it has happen again. The worse part is although I understand why she lied and I still love her, I am really angry and disillusioned. She lied because she was embarrassed at what she had done and apparently didn’t trust me enough to handle it. So, local guru of true love, to quote Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?”
Don S
Dear Don,
Significant relationships are the ultimate school of life. It seems that every way you turn there is another lesson, whether you want it or not. Part of the frustration of being lied to is that it brings up question after question and like white rabbits, popping forth from a magician’s hat, the real- life-fall-out from a lie, seems never-ending.
The dictionary has twenty three definitions of lying, but without any creamy frosting it comes down to this; a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive, which is an intentional un-truth, a falsehood. A lie is something intended or serving to convey a false impression. As we learn at the knees of the big people, lies beget not only more lies but suffering and the only way to stop the pain, is to stop the lies, which like skipping really good cheesecake, is easier said then done.
Sometimes the lie isn’t the biggest part of the problem; it is the let down that someone wouldn’t trust us enough to be straight with us. It brings into question just what is a relationship made of if we don’t have a platform of real trust? Is that level of trust even possible? That shaky ground is where sadness hangs its big black hat.
In your case, her belief in your ability to handle what ever she needed to tell you, didn’t out weigh the disappointment she felt in herself for her actions. So you got the triple scoop; a lie, lack of complete trust in your relationship and what ever it was she did in the first place. That is one messy cone which needs a lot of napkins to clean up the mess, otherwise it is bound to drip all over the both of you, and stain more than just your shirts.
Under the mantle of a good relationship, it can be even harder to come to terms with deception. Like finding a worm in your banana cream pie, reality has been crushed. Now you have the issue that begot the lie, the lie itself, and the uncertainty of what the future may hold. Even if you can learn to understand and forgive the mis-guided logic, being lied to for any reason, bites with sharp and jagged teeth upon the heart, and without a potent remedy, scars deeply, badly and can be permanent.
Should we just assume that we will be lied to and that is just the way it is? Is there anyway to know the truth since we can’t get into anyone else’s head? If a relationship is only as good as its trust factor, does that mean a relationship where deceptions of any kind are present, is as good as it gets?
Don, if you can remember the love that you have for this person and have compassion for their situation, you are ahead of the game. However, being that most of us are not fat little Buddha’s of benevolence, you will also need an outlet for any anger and pain that you feel. It can be hard to go to the person that started the curse upon your supposed perfect love, because they will no doubt, with big puppy eyes, put themselves in the leaky dog house, but that is just what you need to do. If you were hurt that they couldn’t come to you with the truth, believe me, they will suffer if you can’t go to them to decant your own discomfort. In fact, you both will.
Darling Boys and Girls, MK is not talking about punishment or being cruel, this is not about rubbing anyone’s face into anything. This is about trusting that as much as you need to let the anger and sadness out, the dishonest one needs, more than anything else to hear just how their actions affected your relationship. This is the ultimate witch-doctor potion for the voodoo curse that has taken hold of the both of you, so be brave and drink up for the both of you.
Have a naughty day!
As sad as it may be, I will admit to you that I have never had a relationship of any significance in which I was not lied to and it has happen again. The worse part is although I understand why she lied and I still love her, I am really angry and disillusioned. She lied because she was embarrassed at what she had done and apparently didn’t trust me enough to handle it. So, local guru of true love, to quote Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?”
Don S
Dear Don,
Significant relationships are the ultimate school of life. It seems that every way you turn there is another lesson, whether you want it or not. Part of the frustration of being lied to is that it brings up question after question and like white rabbits, popping forth from a magician’s hat, the real- life-fall-out from a lie, seems never-ending.
The dictionary has twenty three definitions of lying, but without any creamy frosting it comes down to this; a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive, which is an intentional un-truth, a falsehood. A lie is something intended or serving to convey a false impression. As we learn at the knees of the big people, lies beget not only more lies but suffering and the only way to stop the pain, is to stop the lies, which like skipping really good cheesecake, is easier said then done.
Sometimes the lie isn’t the biggest part of the problem; it is the let down that someone wouldn’t trust us enough to be straight with us. It brings into question just what is a relationship made of if we don’t have a platform of real trust? Is that level of trust even possible? That shaky ground is where sadness hangs its big black hat.
In your case, her belief in your ability to handle what ever she needed to tell you, didn’t out weigh the disappointment she felt in herself for her actions. So you got the triple scoop; a lie, lack of complete trust in your relationship and what ever it was she did in the first place. That is one messy cone which needs a lot of napkins to clean up the mess, otherwise it is bound to drip all over the both of you, and stain more than just your shirts.
Under the mantle of a good relationship, it can be even harder to come to terms with deception. Like finding a worm in your banana cream pie, reality has been crushed. Now you have the issue that begot the lie, the lie itself, and the uncertainty of what the future may hold. Even if you can learn to understand and forgive the mis-guided logic, being lied to for any reason, bites with sharp and jagged teeth upon the heart, and without a potent remedy, scars deeply, badly and can be permanent.
Should we just assume that we will be lied to and that is just the way it is? Is there anyway to know the truth since we can’t get into anyone else’s head? If a relationship is only as good as its trust factor, does that mean a relationship where deceptions of any kind are present, is as good as it gets?
Don, if you can remember the love that you have for this person and have compassion for their situation, you are ahead of the game. However, being that most of us are not fat little Buddha’s of benevolence, you will also need an outlet for any anger and pain that you feel. It can be hard to go to the person that started the curse upon your supposed perfect love, because they will no doubt, with big puppy eyes, put themselves in the leaky dog house, but that is just what you need to do. If you were hurt that they couldn’t come to you with the truth, believe me, they will suffer if you can’t go to them to decant your own discomfort. In fact, you both will.
Darling Boys and Girls, MK is not talking about punishment or being cruel, this is not about rubbing anyone’s face into anything. This is about trusting that as much as you need to let the anger and sadness out, the dishonest one needs, more than anything else to hear just how their actions affected your relationship. This is the ultimate witch-doctor potion for the voodoo curse that has taken hold of the both of you, so be brave and drink up for the both of you.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Thinking Your Way Through Trust
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I had a serious trust issue come up a few months ago. Even though the issue was resolved by talking, and happiness reigns, I have wanted to bring it up again. It is no longer an issue of trust, it is an issue of something I CAN”T TALK ABOUT and I feel I shouldn’t bring up. That in itself is what feels bad. We have no secrets, and nothing we can’t talk about, except this. I don’t talk about it because he seems to believe that when you put thoughts toward something it feeds them and I don’t want to step on his way of doing things. I love him so much, but I am having a hard time doing this on my own, and I don’t want to discuss the issue with friends. Are there ways I could resolve a couple’s issue on my own?
Olivia
Dear Olivia,
The heart shaped balloons of yesterday have deflated, and the leftover pink champagne is still and flat in it’s now warm bottle; but the questions that are the links in our relationship lives, the path to making them better and better, glisten in the darkness, always alert, and hoping for clarity. Olivia, your question is a very shiny link.
How does one resolve issues when each partner has a different perception on what brings perfect closure? Is it getting to a place where a subject no longer has any sting? Is it when the conflict is tempered by time? Is complete closure even possible without an arena, comfortable to both partners, in which to do whatever is necessary for both people to feel really good? Maybe the answer to the question lies in personal work instead of couples’ work? But then again, when we commit to sharing all, and having no barriers between us, does the work we do as a single entity become a kind of wall?
There are as many ways, good ways of dealing with conflicts, issues and disagreements, as there are good couples. Even though it is easier to process these things in compatible ways, there are going to be times when each person needs to handle it in their own way and that is acceptable, although difficult. It might be for a short duration, when it is better to leave something alone for a while. It might be for longer than is really comfortable, but the benefit in doing so is worth it. It might even be for personal betterment, regardless of the emotional cost.
When we are living in true love, which means respecting our similarities as well as our differences, we are challenged to come up with new ways to process all the small and big- ticket hurdles in our way, and all the while to do it while protecting and respecting our partner’s choices. This is a balancing act that reduces most recent political front page news to the comic section of the paper.
The first part of the process, when searching for answers in the solo department, comes from ripping apart the possible remaining baggage of the past. Even when you think that there is not a shred of anything left, you still might find old and faded remnants of discomfort in the suitcase pocket with the broken zipper. (No wonder you never looked there, it was very hard to get at). The trust- luggage set comes with five easy pieces of various sizes and if you bought it when you were really young (lucky you), there was an extra bonus piece or two. Trust issues disturb even the lint that lies in the bottom of the cases.
When we are willing, because of the present, to look into our past, we often find the direction we are looking for. Therefore, the clues to what might be keeping you up at night, are right where you want them; in the current forefront where you now have motivation and very easy access to dispel them once and for all.
If you have come to a place where what is currently bothering you has nothing to do with your life before your current partner, you have done your work very well. Olivia, it is wonderful that you honor so completely your husband’s way of thinking, but do you think it is possible that he is brave enough to hear that you don’t think anything should be between you? Is it possible that he has moved on to a different way of thinking, and you don’t even know it, because you haven’t checked in with each other?
Darling Boys, Girls and Olivia, if you checked, rechecked and something is still bothering you, remember that nothing is static in this world, and certainly not a couple’s love or the way they choose to interact. Love can only become deeper, and the deepest level will always be a long way out, a challenge to reach, but worth the wait.
Have a naughty day!
My husband and I had a serious trust issue come up a few months ago. Even though the issue was resolved by talking, and happiness reigns, I have wanted to bring it up again. It is no longer an issue of trust, it is an issue of something I CAN”T TALK ABOUT and I feel I shouldn’t bring up. That in itself is what feels bad. We have no secrets, and nothing we can’t talk about, except this. I don’t talk about it because he seems to believe that when you put thoughts toward something it feeds them and I don’t want to step on his way of doing things. I love him so much, but I am having a hard time doing this on my own, and I don’t want to discuss the issue with friends. Are there ways I could resolve a couple’s issue on my own?
Olivia
Dear Olivia,
The heart shaped balloons of yesterday have deflated, and the leftover pink champagne is still and flat in it’s now warm bottle; but the questions that are the links in our relationship lives, the path to making them better and better, glisten in the darkness, always alert, and hoping for clarity. Olivia, your question is a very shiny link.
How does one resolve issues when each partner has a different perception on what brings perfect closure? Is it getting to a place where a subject no longer has any sting? Is it when the conflict is tempered by time? Is complete closure even possible without an arena, comfortable to both partners, in which to do whatever is necessary for both people to feel really good? Maybe the answer to the question lies in personal work instead of couples’ work? But then again, when we commit to sharing all, and having no barriers between us, does the work we do as a single entity become a kind of wall?
There are as many ways, good ways of dealing with conflicts, issues and disagreements, as there are good couples. Even though it is easier to process these things in compatible ways, there are going to be times when each person needs to handle it in their own way and that is acceptable, although difficult. It might be for a short duration, when it is better to leave something alone for a while. It might be for longer than is really comfortable, but the benefit in doing so is worth it. It might even be for personal betterment, regardless of the emotional cost.
When we are living in true love, which means respecting our similarities as well as our differences, we are challenged to come up with new ways to process all the small and big- ticket hurdles in our way, and all the while to do it while protecting and respecting our partner’s choices. This is a balancing act that reduces most recent political front page news to the comic section of the paper.
The first part of the process, when searching for answers in the solo department, comes from ripping apart the possible remaining baggage of the past. Even when you think that there is not a shred of anything left, you still might find old and faded remnants of discomfort in the suitcase pocket with the broken zipper. (No wonder you never looked there, it was very hard to get at). The trust- luggage set comes with five easy pieces of various sizes and if you bought it when you were really young (lucky you), there was an extra bonus piece or two. Trust issues disturb even the lint that lies in the bottom of the cases.
When we are willing, because of the present, to look into our past, we often find the direction we are looking for. Therefore, the clues to what might be keeping you up at night, are right where you want them; in the current forefront where you now have motivation and very easy access to dispel them once and for all.
If you have come to a place where what is currently bothering you has nothing to do with your life before your current partner, you have done your work very well. Olivia, it is wonderful that you honor so completely your husband’s way of thinking, but do you think it is possible that he is brave enough to hear that you don’t think anything should be between you? Is it possible that he has moved on to a different way of thinking, and you don’t even know it, because you haven’t checked in with each other?
Darling Boys, Girls and Olivia, if you checked, rechecked and something is still bothering you, remember that nothing is static in this world, and certainly not a couple’s love or the way they choose to interact. Love can only become deeper, and the deepest level will always be a long way out, a challenge to reach, but worth the wait.
Have a naughty day!
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