Giving, getting, and getting it right

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been going out with my BF for a little over a year. We have a great relationship, talk about the future and he acts like he loves me, but he has never said the magic words. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and all I really want is for him to say, “I love you.” It may sound weird, but it is true and really what I want. I think he wants to but I wonder if I am setting myself here?
S.L, SANTA BARBARA


Dear Waiting:
When Christmas morning rolls around wouldn’t be amazing if under the fragrant tree, there was a pile of beautifully wrapped, empty boxes? Silky ribbons lavishly tied around them, they contain the invisible, but vitally important presents that really matter to us. Detailed instructions included of course, to make sure we understand both the value and the implied messages that are inherent in such precious gifts. Discover the tangible manifestations of what we need - alongside the harder-to-pin-down aspects of our ethereal wants.

Put “truth”, that most magnificent of all treasures right on the top of the pile, with all the tricky little accessories that come with it. The multitude of small parts that are so easy to lose, but necessary if the complex gift is going to work at full, honest capacity. If you are giving this priceless gift, you will need to purchase a guarantee- a lifetime guarantee which covers parts and labor. Lots of labor, for it is a labor of love to maintain this valuable bequest, and keep track of those tiny little pieces that don’t always seem important until you find one of them missing.

The next box, wrapped up in silver paper with a deep blue velvet bow, just screaming, “Open me first!” is “Time” The simple pleasure of more than a moment and less than a lifetime; the freeing satisfaction of having someone else do something special, just for you. When Miss K was a mere credit card-less kitten, scribbling away making homemade coupons for cups of tea and car washes, she never knew the value of what she was giving away. Now a grown up and perpetually busy cat, the idea of truly free time – time that is all yours - is on par with zero calorie cinnamon rolls. It’s always treasured to give of yourself, even if your tea-making skills would get you fired at the local Starbucks.

Wrapped in the most exquisite of wrappings, but of course the most difficult box to open, is “I love you.” The ultimate gift of no return and no exchange. You are not only giving of yourself, but making a commitment of never-ending work. This is the best sort of work – a true labor of love, but should never be given or taken duress.

This Lego like castle- of- love has endless pieces, instructions that are sometimes indecipherable and pending revision on most days. When the castle gets stepped on by life, it takes time and energy to put it back together again. When combined with the gift of truth and an unwavering commitment, sometimes the rebuild is even better and stronger than the original.

So darling Boys, Girls and S.L, when shopping this holiday season, think about what your giving, not what you are getting. Head to the mall of the ultimate gifts - where price is no object and the payment plans are always reasonable. You can wrap up some truth, throw in some time and know that your gift is not only as good as it gets, but the recipient will think it is even more precious and treasured than you could have ever imagined.
Have a naughty day!

To tie the knot or not?

Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiance and I have a wedding planned for Christmas Eve. This past weekend he told me that when we first started dating, when he was away on a business trip, he had a one-night stand with a women he met on the plane. He says he wanted to come clean before we tie the knot. We have been dating for 4 years and I don't know why he waited until now to tell me. I also don't know whether I am relieved he was honest or @#$%# mad he ever had a one-night stand and didn't tell me!
C.S, SANTA BARBARA

Dear CS,
Any sailor or mountain climber can tell you there are as many knots as there are situations, so exactly what not-so-obvious “knot” do you think your fiance is interested in tying? The always popular, already- paid-for -the- caterer-just-let-it-go-knot? The better-to-ask-for-forgiveness-than-permission knot? There somewhat smug I -told -the- truth -and-I-didn't-have-to-so-you-can't-be-mad knot? Just why and when someone chooses to divulge a transgression usually has more to do with what they stand to loose if they don't confess, than doing the right thing. Right Tiger?

Speaking of doing the right thing, just when was this infringement conducted in terms of the relationship? If Mr. Business class was technically still a free wheeling man about town, in other words you didn't have the going steady agreement, it doesn't really matter what he did. No mutually agreed upon contract means both of you were free to peruse any indulgence you fancied. On the other side of the green, maybe you did have “the talk” and the real issue isn't so much the timing of the tell -all but the content of the confession.

If the offense was on “company time” meaning yours, not only did he transgress during travel, but kept information that had a bearing on your relationship in order to keep the relationship. For years. Regardless of the reasons why, the most likely being fear of losing you, it wasn't right than and it opens up just what kind of values he lives by. Every day values are the most critical component of a marriage. With this structure firmly in place a marriage can far exceed the expected projection of a 50/50 success rate. Without out it, you do the math.

If during the relationship retrospective it turns out that Mr. Come Fly with Me was really a free agent his bringing up the breach is still open season for rumination. Did he think that taking the truth plunge was really for your benefit? Please! As hard to swallow as stale wedding cake, when someone takes the plunge to come clean, without provocation, their honesty does not trump the transgression. Optional disclosure is neither a new band or a free pass to paradise. Optional disclosure is most like fishing with Cantonese steamed dumplings for bait. No data as of yet and there are no points for creativity.

Darling Boys, Girls and CS, believe it or not, many a bride or groom has been a no-show on the guest list at their own wedding. There is also no shame in putting everything including the ice, on ice until one feels completely comfortable with such an important life commitment. It may take longer than the next three weeks, maybe as long as a flight from here to the moon. The upcoming wedding should not weight into your decision what-so-ever. All that does matters is that you, without any doubt feel good about YOUR decision to marry or not marry based on the latest and greatest of news flashes and how you choose to resolve it.
Have a naughty day!