Dear Miss Kitty,
The other night my buddies and I were out observing the SB night life. After seeing countless women with loser guys, we wondered: What exactly is it that women want in a man? We have all lost a girlfriend to some idiot that usually doesn’t have a decent job and certainly isn’t as together as any of us are. Give us your wisdom – what is attractive to women?
Michael and friends.
Dear Michael and friends,
It sounds like you and friends were sharing a saucer of milk at table #9 (read: not-very-nice catty-with-claws out-conversation instead of bonding serenely over chilled beer enjoying your man-time) but since you bring a worthwhile topic to the table I shall forgive your cattiness.
A person that spends the time and effort to seek out and become what others “want” has missed the most important lesson of all-to find someone that loves you for yourself as you are, this very day. That being said, there are certainly characteristics that women look for and admire in men over all other abilities. Yes, ALL other abilities - and don’t look so smug.
At the top of the totem pole is none other than the man of dependability. He is the one that does what he says he will with no complaints, and he doesn’t keep score. He is ever-capable and even if she likes to take care of herself, he could step in if she wanted him to. (He also knows enough to realize sometimes she does when she doesn’t say so). He is trustworthy to a fault and because of that; she has no reason to test him.
There is something infinitely satisfying when a woman knows, with no doubts, she can trust her man. That means he says what he means, means what he says and doesn’t blur the truth to avoid a possible confrontation. No man-lies allowed! If he knows he is wrong, he admits it, corrects the problem and doesn’t do it again. Women can't resist a man who is trustworthy and dependable because those traits whisper sweetly to her soul, that she is safe.
Every woman wants to feel safe. Safe feels wonderful but only works if it is a consistent feeling, which brings us to the next desirable trait: the man that is consistent in his actions, core beliefs and values. That doesn’t mean what a man believes isn’t subject to change. The kind of change that is good is when someone is choosing to do deep work to further self improvement (for himself not his partner). The inconsistent –will- of- the- wisp man, is the type to be a vegetarian to meet your Birkenstock-wearing parents, and then needs to stop at an In and Out Burger on the way home for a fix. Consistency shows up in living color when it is apparent in words and deeds. Unfortunately words can be cheap, but actions take effort that can not be faked for long.
A man that is socially confident is forever sexy. This man feels at home in his skin, quietly understands his value in the world and is as comfortable in blue jeans as a tux (HAD to say that!) He projects that he has a sure thing going on, always with class. He believes at his deepest level that his persona is “alright”, without a smidgeon of cockiness. That does not mean he spends more time at the mirror than she does. It does not mean he complains his butt is getting too big. In terms of how he projects this confidence, on the Scientific-American naive baby-to-full blown player scale, he is right in the middle.
Last but not least, a man with a plan and the ability to carry it out makes even the coldest of hearts melt. Remember the show MacGyver? It wasn’t just the tight jeans sans shirt that made MacGyver a favorite among women…it was his unwavering ability to find a way, no matter what, without throwing things or a fit. (By the way, little boy hissy fits are very unattractive and will earn you major points in the wrong direction).
So Boys, Girls and Michael, when a man chooses to be the man he says he is, assuming you are choosing to be an upfront, classy, resourceful, know-what-you-want guy; instead of a slimy-slinky-snake of a man or a little-boy-crying-the-blues kind of guy, he will be able to find and keep the woman of his dreams. And because a great guy knows he is a great guy, he is discerning about with whom he chooses to spend his time with. He is looking for a woman that is just as honest, consistent and capable as he. Sound familiar?
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, May 23, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Rules of engagement and Engaging Rules During Times of Peace
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband thinks is it unreasonable for me to want him to call when he is leaving work. I know this isn’t a big thing, nor am I making it one, but I don’t think it is asking all that much and it is a ritual that makes me feel good. When he gets home, a lot is usually going on with the kids, etc and this short time to connect and see how the day went is nice. He doesn’t seem to understand and feels it is checking up on him in some way. How do you vote?
Sharon S, Goleta
Dear Sharon,
Although not always observed, the official rules about arguing between couples are documented fairly well. Fighting fairly means refraining at all costs from saying nasty, below the belt comments about your significant others family, friends, pets and ancient articles of clothing. Yes, those beloved sweats are as off limits as mom and her famous cool-whip and unsalted-peanut butter pie. As satisfying as it can feel at the moment of delivering an “accurate”, yet uncomfortable truth, the reality is, if it doesn’t REALLY need to be said, don’t indulge your inner snippy self and say it.
That doesn’t mean however that in times of peace, letting go is always the best method of interaction. If something matters to you, it counts. In fact, letting go too much, being too amenable, if you don’t REALLY mean it, just allows peace to grow wings and fly out the window.
We all have our standards, known or under revision, about what makes us feel right in the world and with our partner. When we can make a difference by giving, not giving in, we are fortifying our relationship so that the present and the future is being fed by a constant stream of healthy, happy and contented behaviors.
So where do we stand on what is reasonable and acceptable when it comes down to the rules of daily engagement? Does calling your wife when leaving work remind you of checking in with your parents? Does it feel like just one more thing you HAVE to do? Are you just being difficult because she does something you don’t like? If there is something that niggles us uncomfortably in the tummy or we feel resistant to complying, we need to look inside ourselves and see just why that phone call, that kiss when we leave, that toilet seat thing is made into a much bigger issue than it really is.
If the little things are making us stamp our feet in not-so-secret ways, what happens when big resistance meets big problems? When love is held ransom so someone can get their way regardless of the cost, it is the beginning of the end.
Acknowledging what makes someone else’s day is the beginning. Since we have the ability to ennoble, honor and appreciate each other in so many ways, why not do so by giving someone what they need? It isn’t really hard, when you really love someone. Think of it as smart daily practice so the dogs of war never make your relationship their permanent battlefield.
Have a naughty day!
My husband thinks is it unreasonable for me to want him to call when he is leaving work. I know this isn’t a big thing, nor am I making it one, but I don’t think it is asking all that much and it is a ritual that makes me feel good. When he gets home, a lot is usually going on with the kids, etc and this short time to connect and see how the day went is nice. He doesn’t seem to understand and feels it is checking up on him in some way. How do you vote?
Sharon S, Goleta
Dear Sharon,
Although not always observed, the official rules about arguing between couples are documented fairly well. Fighting fairly means refraining at all costs from saying nasty, below the belt comments about your significant others family, friends, pets and ancient articles of clothing. Yes, those beloved sweats are as off limits as mom and her famous cool-whip and unsalted-peanut butter pie. As satisfying as it can feel at the moment of delivering an “accurate”, yet uncomfortable truth, the reality is, if it doesn’t REALLY need to be said, don’t indulge your inner snippy self and say it.
That doesn’t mean however that in times of peace, letting go is always the best method of interaction. If something matters to you, it counts. In fact, letting go too much, being too amenable, if you don’t REALLY mean it, just allows peace to grow wings and fly out the window.
We all have our standards, known or under revision, about what makes us feel right in the world and with our partner. When we can make a difference by giving, not giving in, we are fortifying our relationship so that the present and the future is being fed by a constant stream of healthy, happy and contented behaviors.
So where do we stand on what is reasonable and acceptable when it comes down to the rules of daily engagement? Does calling your wife when leaving work remind you of checking in with your parents? Does it feel like just one more thing you HAVE to do? Are you just being difficult because she does something you don’t like? If there is something that niggles us uncomfortably in the tummy or we feel resistant to complying, we need to look inside ourselves and see just why that phone call, that kiss when we leave, that toilet seat thing is made into a much bigger issue than it really is.
If the little things are making us stamp our feet in not-so-secret ways, what happens when big resistance meets big problems? When love is held ransom so someone can get their way regardless of the cost, it is the beginning of the end.
Acknowledging what makes someone else’s day is the beginning. Since we have the ability to ennoble, honor and appreciate each other in so many ways, why not do so by giving someone what they need? It isn’t really hard, when you really love someone. Think of it as smart daily practice so the dogs of war never make your relationship their permanent battlefield.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Peeling the Onion
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been with my BF for 6 years, since I was 19. Nothing is really wrong; I just think I need to experience a bit more of life before I settle down. The thing is I am scared I am making a mistake by moving on since he really is a great guy, but on the other hand, I don’t want to get 10 years down the road with any regrets. How do you decide?
Lisette
Dear Lisette,
When preparing an onion for cooking, you can have a variety of experiences. You can just lay into the fragrant orb, cleaver-a-whirling and depending on the onion, cry a little or cry a lot. You can chill the many layered veggie-bomb to reduce the possibility of its eye smarting noxious fumes, or you can buy it pre-chopped and frozen and escape the possibilities of tears altogether (or connecting with your culinary genius). The most important thing to note is that regardless of what you do, there are more possibilities than you could ever have imagined in terms of the actual experience, but in the end, experience aside, you end up with a mound of chopped, diced or sliced onion.
When deciding on life’s various paths, we walk the walk of the onion, not the onion chopper. For the onion is unlimited in its layer upon layer of translucent possibilities. Gently and slowly peeled, abruptly severed to get to the next step as quickly as possible, or growing right out of the cooking pot and into a healthy little onion plant waving in the wind.
There are no rights or wrongs here, just different choices that lead into different tasting dishes. The part of the choice that keeps you grounded and lets you know that - although difficult or fraught with feelings - it is the correct one for you, is when you take the time to feel and sit with your decision, whatever it is. Making decisions based on the possibilities for the future is sensible when it comes to investing in the stock market, but makes little sense when it comes to emotional investments. You can only really know without-a-doubt where you are and how you feel today, in the present moment after much self-reflection.
Being in a place where you are wrestling with a decision based on the possibility that you will miss out on something that has yet to be, is a good indication that change is imminent in one form or another. How you choose to conduct yourself in regards to your personal behavior is as important as the actual decision itself. There is no need to know all the answers before you proceed, just let the events unfold like peeling layers off an onion as you gently find your way toward resolution. Remember that with change always come strong feelings that, although uncomfortable, you are better off really experiencing – instead of chilling them out or pre-packaging so as not to feel them deeply and fearfully avoid the inevitable tears.
Have a naughty day!
I have been with my BF for 6 years, since I was 19. Nothing is really wrong; I just think I need to experience a bit more of life before I settle down. The thing is I am scared I am making a mistake by moving on since he really is a great guy, but on the other hand, I don’t want to get 10 years down the road with any regrets. How do you decide?
Lisette
Dear Lisette,
When preparing an onion for cooking, you can have a variety of experiences. You can just lay into the fragrant orb, cleaver-a-whirling and depending on the onion, cry a little or cry a lot. You can chill the many layered veggie-bomb to reduce the possibility of its eye smarting noxious fumes, or you can buy it pre-chopped and frozen and escape the possibilities of tears altogether (or connecting with your culinary genius). The most important thing to note is that regardless of what you do, there are more possibilities than you could ever have imagined in terms of the actual experience, but in the end, experience aside, you end up with a mound of chopped, diced or sliced onion.
When deciding on life’s various paths, we walk the walk of the onion, not the onion chopper. For the onion is unlimited in its layer upon layer of translucent possibilities. Gently and slowly peeled, abruptly severed to get to the next step as quickly as possible, or growing right out of the cooking pot and into a healthy little onion plant waving in the wind.
There are no rights or wrongs here, just different choices that lead into different tasting dishes. The part of the choice that keeps you grounded and lets you know that - although difficult or fraught with feelings - it is the correct one for you, is when you take the time to feel and sit with your decision, whatever it is. Making decisions based on the possibilities for the future is sensible when it comes to investing in the stock market, but makes little sense when it comes to emotional investments. You can only really know without-a-doubt where you are and how you feel today, in the present moment after much self-reflection.
Being in a place where you are wrestling with a decision based on the possibility that you will miss out on something that has yet to be, is a good indication that change is imminent in one form or another. How you choose to conduct yourself in regards to your personal behavior is as important as the actual decision itself. There is no need to know all the answers before you proceed, just let the events unfold like peeling layers off an onion as you gently find your way toward resolution. Remember that with change always come strong feelings that, although uncomfortable, you are better off really experiencing – instead of chilling them out or pre-packaging so as not to feel them deeply and fearfully avoid the inevitable tears.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Promises, Promises
Dear Miss Kitty,
Before I married my boyfriend of 6 years, it seemed there were lots of plans and promises made. I never thought much about it, except for the fact that I thought they really would happen. Now, it seems that once he got me, everything has changed. I am not sure what happened, but now I feel I have to fight for things that seemed like they were a given. LOTS of my friends say the same thing. Do men just say what they think have to?
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
When couples are courting, life is full of yes’s and things like different tastes in interior decor don’t count for all that much. In fact, decisions that should be in writing and signed in blood are given no more than a quick, oh that doesn’t matter and do what ever your lovely heart desires. When in the delirious fog of love, apparently it is difficult if not impossible to see the cartoon balloon which has “For the time being” in bulging neon red hanging over his or her nodding head.
When the fog has cleared and life has speed up from romantic la la land, when we are really taking in what we have taken on, reality is going to temper some of those original dreams-sworn oaths-anything you want-baby with some no’s and changes of mind. It isn’t fair that the tooth fairy is a fake, it isn’t fair that bad things happen to nice people and it isn’t fair when someone says something and it doesn’t’ t happen. Like putting lemon on a paper cut, taking a pass on our prior commitments with no discussion as to why, just adds salt to the wound. That being said, reality says sometimes priorities as well as opinions do change, so is it possible to restructure a promise? Is it reasonable to reconsider our reasons? It depends…
Let’s pretend before you got married, you said you really wanted a puppy and now that the ring is on, the puppy is off. If there was a clear understanding with no wiggle room that a puppy was part and parcel of the future, get out the newspaper (not this one please!) and look for a mutt that needs a happy home. If you discussed pending puppy parenthood but never worked out the details, check out a toy store for a nice virtual version, because that is all you are entitled to at this point. If he vehemently nodded yes, when you asked at that particular moment when men are highly likely to give a girl a presidential nomination or anything else she wants, no puppies for you ever! (For the record, all women know just when this moment is and should be ashamed if they would ever use sex leverage for anything!)
Do people really deceive just to “getcha”? A few particularly evil human beings actually do such a thing, but thankfully they are few and far between. Most of us just don’t think through some of our pending promises beyond the cute puppy stage. We forget that even a cute little puppy is a whole lot of work and a lifetime commitment. Therefore Darling Boys, Girls and Michelle, it is much more likely that most PEOPLE change their minds and reevaluate their choices, as opposed to playing the deception game for such high stakes.
Have a naughty day!
Before I married my boyfriend of 6 years, it seemed there were lots of plans and promises made. I never thought much about it, except for the fact that I thought they really would happen. Now, it seems that once he got me, everything has changed. I am not sure what happened, but now I feel I have to fight for things that seemed like they were a given. LOTS of my friends say the same thing. Do men just say what they think have to?
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
When couples are courting, life is full of yes’s and things like different tastes in interior decor don’t count for all that much. In fact, decisions that should be in writing and signed in blood are given no more than a quick, oh that doesn’t matter and do what ever your lovely heart desires. When in the delirious fog of love, apparently it is difficult if not impossible to see the cartoon balloon which has “For the time being” in bulging neon red hanging over his or her nodding head.
When the fog has cleared and life has speed up from romantic la la land, when we are really taking in what we have taken on, reality is going to temper some of those original dreams-sworn oaths-anything you want-baby with some no’s and changes of mind. It isn’t fair that the tooth fairy is a fake, it isn’t fair that bad things happen to nice people and it isn’t fair when someone says something and it doesn’t’ t happen. Like putting lemon on a paper cut, taking a pass on our prior commitments with no discussion as to why, just adds salt to the wound. That being said, reality says sometimes priorities as well as opinions do change, so is it possible to restructure a promise? Is it reasonable to reconsider our reasons? It depends…
Let’s pretend before you got married, you said you really wanted a puppy and now that the ring is on, the puppy is off. If there was a clear understanding with no wiggle room that a puppy was part and parcel of the future, get out the newspaper (not this one please!) and look for a mutt that needs a happy home. If you discussed pending puppy parenthood but never worked out the details, check out a toy store for a nice virtual version, because that is all you are entitled to at this point. If he vehemently nodded yes, when you asked at that particular moment when men are highly likely to give a girl a presidential nomination or anything else she wants, no puppies for you ever! (For the record, all women know just when this moment is and should be ashamed if they would ever use sex leverage for anything!)
Do people really deceive just to “getcha”? A few particularly evil human beings actually do such a thing, but thankfully they are few and far between. Most of us just don’t think through some of our pending promises beyond the cute puppy stage. We forget that even a cute little puppy is a whole lot of work and a lifetime commitment. Therefore Darling Boys, Girls and Michelle, it is much more likely that most PEOPLE change their minds and reevaluate their choices, as opposed to playing the deception game for such high stakes.
Have a naughty day!
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