Dear Miss Kitty,
I read your column weekly, and it seems that there are a lot of relationship problems out there. My wife and I have a great relationship and I think one of the reasons why is that we don’t “expect” from each other. I must admit that even without expectation, there are times when I find myself feeling disappointed and wondering what went wrong. What I would like to do is avoid this feeling altogether. Is this normal and can it be done?
T. SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
Imagine hearing tales of a remote tropical Island paradise. You are intrigued with the idea of its mysterious beauty as well as the adventure it can provide. You devour well-researched literature in order to educate yourself as much as you possibly can before embarking on the trip of your dreams. When you arrive you are dumb-struck, as what you imagined - even with all the information gathering - is just not what you had envisioned.
The quaint Asian outdoor market from page 101 of your guide book brings new meaning to the phrase mystery meat. Nemo isn’t happily swimming alongside, as much as hiding from your underwater screams, as you “connect” with what is really nature. As vacations can bring new light to what was a perceived ideal, so can the reality of what is a relationship. In other words, even the perfect man is likely to leave the toilet seat up.
So why are we so easily and immediately disillusioned when happily-ever-after isn’t a pristine isolated beach but a crowded free-for-all with kids being kids and the sun being the potentially painful burning orb it really is? Most interestingly, where did the original picture-perfect picture come from? Why is that perceived image the right one - and the reality wrong?
It is impossible to not have expectations. Even the goal of not having an expectation is an expectation. Expectation is the kissing cousin of altruism. Altruism’s job description proves it only a concept, and the ultimate impossible dream. Avoiding expectation is the second impossible dream. Making peace for the sake of making peace is an excuse to avoid what truly matters to us. Making sense of where we find ourselves - and adjusting to our circumstances - is healthy and saves the soul from further torment. Paradise may be what you make it, but it does take a certain adjustment in perception when there are too many city lights to see the stars and too much traffic to hear the ocean.
Darling T, Boys and Girls: when we know ourselves we have the opportunity to know what floats our rental boat. When we are not sure that we deserve better, we feel the disappointment and take it on as a permanent state of being. Adjusting ourselves to “make it right” is the same thing as rationalizing, but with a supreme difference. When we allow ourselves to be open to what is and work within reality, even disappointment, we can find acceptable peace. Accepting something for what it is, including the inevitable disillusionments, allows us to connect back to what it is to be human (not a perfect stone demigod), and therefore find our way. We can make something that appears to be less than what we “wished” into something that satisfies us with a rewarding, growing experience.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
www.MyExWasAnAss.com
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have just started to date a man that I have known for a few years. During lunch with a friend, the new guy came up in conversation and I was given an ear full about his past. It turns out my friend was his ex-wife’s best friend and knew all the dirt. We have a weekend away planned and after all I heard, I am not sure what to do. I could ask him if it was all true, but won’t he just cover his u-know-what? Is there any point to asking or should I just break it off now?
Lisa L, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Lisa,
Ever make a patchwork quilt out of feathers, bits of old foil and twist ties? I haven’t yet, but I am sure it would be easier than working through this dilemma. The particulars aside, how savvy is it to trust someone else’s experience instead of our own? Isn’t a couple’s prior problems based on the whole not just the parts? Do second chances herald second guessing? Going out on a treacherous limb here, hanging over the alligator filled pond, I will make a motion that it is safer to get the whole dirt and nothing but the dirt from the source. Amen.
In his own way Jay Leno reports actual and factual political crimes and misdemeanors, albeit with an eye for a bit of entertainment. That’s his MO, and we accept what he says couched in such knowledge. “The friend” may be a holy oracle of facts and figures, and then again, maybe not. Pancakes, coins and vinyl albums all have two sides and so do relationships. It may appear so, but underneath the tight wrapping of all relationships, there is not a one that is an exception.
Not only does each side have its own reality, a third party is never going to be a highly sophisticated and completely neutral database. It may only be years away, but as far as I know, there is nothing that enables disgruntled men and women to post their woes on myexwasanass.com along with a picture and profile of the misanthrope in question. Becoming informed by a well-meaning friend might be dodging a bullet and it might mean missing a big piece of your personal life puzzle.
As messy as it may sound, there is only one clean option here. Be transparent and lay the dirt down so he can take a look at it too. Be open to his response and listen to your gut. If it feels like he is dismissing it with a sweep under the rug, he probably is. If he opens up and lets you in on “his side”, listen. You will learn a lot. If he doesn't want to bring the ex- files into your new relationship at this time, I would put my weekend bag away for awhile and slow things way down. Since we knowledge and have empathy for each other through sharing our pasts, the good, the bad and the ugly, most people find sharing the old dirt comes along within the first few dates and is healthy.
Darling Lisa, Boys and Girls, whether we get our information from whosemydate.com, a Ouija Board or the next door neighbor, it must all be tempered by what we see, hear and feel. Preferably in that order! Not the monkey way. See no evil? The recipe for naïve in a bottle. Hear no evil? Knowledge is power. Speak no evil? The truth hurts and as the saying goes, will set you free.
Have a naughty day!
I have just started to date a man that I have known for a few years. During lunch with a friend, the new guy came up in conversation and I was given an ear full about his past. It turns out my friend was his ex-wife’s best friend and knew all the dirt. We have a weekend away planned and after all I heard, I am not sure what to do. I could ask him if it was all true, but won’t he just cover his u-know-what? Is there any point to asking or should I just break it off now?
Lisa L, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Lisa,
Ever make a patchwork quilt out of feathers, bits of old foil and twist ties? I haven’t yet, but I am sure it would be easier than working through this dilemma. The particulars aside, how savvy is it to trust someone else’s experience instead of our own? Isn’t a couple’s prior problems based on the whole not just the parts? Do second chances herald second guessing? Going out on a treacherous limb here, hanging over the alligator filled pond, I will make a motion that it is safer to get the whole dirt and nothing but the dirt from the source. Amen.
In his own way Jay Leno reports actual and factual political crimes and misdemeanors, albeit with an eye for a bit of entertainment. That’s his MO, and we accept what he says couched in such knowledge. “The friend” may be a holy oracle of facts and figures, and then again, maybe not. Pancakes, coins and vinyl albums all have two sides and so do relationships. It may appear so, but underneath the tight wrapping of all relationships, there is not a one that is an exception.
Not only does each side have its own reality, a third party is never going to be a highly sophisticated and completely neutral database. It may only be years away, but as far as I know, there is nothing that enables disgruntled men and women to post their woes on myexwasanass.com along with a picture and profile of the misanthrope in question. Becoming informed by a well-meaning friend might be dodging a bullet and it might mean missing a big piece of your personal life puzzle.
As messy as it may sound, there is only one clean option here. Be transparent and lay the dirt down so he can take a look at it too. Be open to his response and listen to your gut. If it feels like he is dismissing it with a sweep under the rug, he probably is. If he opens up and lets you in on “his side”, listen. You will learn a lot. If he doesn't want to bring the ex- files into your new relationship at this time, I would put my weekend bag away for awhile and slow things way down. Since we knowledge and have empathy for each other through sharing our pasts, the good, the bad and the ugly, most people find sharing the old dirt comes along within the first few dates and is healthy.
Darling Lisa, Boys and Girls, whether we get our information from whosemydate.com, a Ouija Board or the next door neighbor, it must all be tempered by what we see, hear and feel. Preferably in that order! Not the monkey way. See no evil? The recipe for naïve in a bottle. Hear no evil? Knowledge is power. Speak no evil? The truth hurts and as the saying goes, will set you free.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, June 4, 2010
The present is the time of your life
Dear Miss Kitty,
I just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years and I am feeling a bit lost. I know it was for the best (for both of us) but I miss the old times. I would like to be able get over it faster than I am. Any suggestions?
Tony, GOLETA
Dear Tony and Graduating Classes of 2010,
As June gloom settles in, Santa Barbara’s very own cloaking device, it heralds that another season has arrived and summer wonders are still under wraps. Break ups, graduation and all of life’s changes are just like that. Be they planned, expected or thrust upon us, change is one of the two constants that you can count on. The other is you.
As David Bowie was strutting his way through the song, “Changes,” he sang,” that time may change me
but I can't trace time.” Even without a heavy application of truly glamorous eye make-up to make us take notice, this is one of life’s’ great truths. There really is no time, just made- up markers to give us the illusion of control within what is certainly a tumultuous experience. The second great truth is that time does not matter or rather it is not an answer of any consequence as to how we should live our lives.
When we are good, within our changes, accepting transitions as something we actually have a say in, we can relax. Perhaps even see the immense opportunity that is the gift within the fog. With change, suddenly comes the intense illumination that aside from ourselves we have control over virtually nothing! Is that a 7.5 on the emotional Richter Scale? What else could bring down thousands of graduation caps from their brief fling upward? Albeit a sobering thought, it is also a revelation like no other. Unveiled is the reality that we, and we alone have control only over ourselves and that is truly as good as it gets. It is as good as it needs to be. Indeed, the best and worst part of being human.
Darling Tony, Class, Boys and Girls, whether leaving love before it sours, or moving on as scheduled to the next level of formal education, the class room called life will continually beckon. This is the one class where no one is ever late, everyone works at their own pace and graduation is one big mystery. It is why the present is the time of your life.
Have a naughty day!
I just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years and I am feeling a bit lost. I know it was for the best (for both of us) but I miss the old times. I would like to be able get over it faster than I am. Any suggestions?
Tony, GOLETA
Dear Tony and Graduating Classes of 2010,
As June gloom settles in, Santa Barbara’s very own cloaking device, it heralds that another season has arrived and summer wonders are still under wraps. Break ups, graduation and all of life’s changes are just like that. Be they planned, expected or thrust upon us, change is one of the two constants that you can count on. The other is you.
As David Bowie was strutting his way through the song, “Changes,” he sang,” that time may change me
but I can't trace time.” Even without a heavy application of truly glamorous eye make-up to make us take notice, this is one of life’s’ great truths. There really is no time, just made- up markers to give us the illusion of control within what is certainly a tumultuous experience. The second great truth is that time does not matter or rather it is not an answer of any consequence as to how we should live our lives.
When we are good, within our changes, accepting transitions as something we actually have a say in, we can relax. Perhaps even see the immense opportunity that is the gift within the fog. With change, suddenly comes the intense illumination that aside from ourselves we have control over virtually nothing! Is that a 7.5 on the emotional Richter Scale? What else could bring down thousands of graduation caps from their brief fling upward? Albeit a sobering thought, it is also a revelation like no other. Unveiled is the reality that we, and we alone have control only over ourselves and that is truly as good as it gets. It is as good as it needs to be. Indeed, the best and worst part of being human.
Darling Tony, Class, Boys and Girls, whether leaving love before it sours, or moving on as scheduled to the next level of formal education, the class room called life will continually beckon. This is the one class where no one is ever late, everyone works at their own pace and graduation is one big mystery. It is why the present is the time of your life.
Have a naughty day!
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