Dear Miss Kitty,
Last weekend I went to a wedding. A big, choreographed extravaganza done up in the trendy hues of chocolate and cream. The bride and groom, both in their 20’s seem in love and very happy. I was enjoying the day until the minister said, she should respect him and he should love her, since that is the way it is according to God. That doesn’t sound right to me. Why shouldn’t they both love and respect each other in equal measure? Since I consider your advice only second to God (LOL!), on the subject of relationships and romance, I am curious what you would say about this.
Karen, Santa Barbara
Dear Karen,
Get your tight jeans on and sing after me, “The only man that could ever reach me was the preacher man.” (We are changing the lyrics because the son is too young and inexperienced). So the preacher man, under the guise of wedding commissioner for the State of California was able to make you think? Good for him, good for you and how nice the wedding wasn’t all about “the party.”
Love and respect are like white rice and champagne. They go so well together in many situations. A lovely risotto and a chilled bottle can be quite the pair. But is rice, without champagne just as good? Can you skip the rice and still keep a clear head? When it comes to relationships, you can have respect without love, but never love, real love without respect. Just ask Uncle Ben.
Now put on your 1950’s floral apron and make me a sandwich! Why? Because I love you! Sometimes, something does get lost in translation, and marriage vows are no exception. Let’s put the preacher man’s experiment under the marriage microscope and see-close up just what he might have been thinking.
According to Scientific Wedding (free insert with Modern Bride, selected issues only), men are naturally drawn to a partner that has unwavering respect for a man’s path. Why? Because simply that is how men are wired. When that path is honored by a wife, without question (not many anyway) it tends to illicit admiration from the husband which in turn, manifests into love for the wife. Apparently respect begets love. Although this sounds like which came first the chicken or the egg, respect or the love, it has some validly. When someone respects us, it is easier to love them. Who can love someone, in a healthy fashion when there isn’t any respect?
Now let’s look into the other pot. Our bride needs love, and according to the theory, she gets it by respecting her partner. WHAT! Shouldn’t he love her because of whom she not what she can do for him? Shouldn’t his sense of man-self be so intact that he doesn’t need anyone to validate it? It may be hard to admit in the post bra burning era, but true none the less- men and women do value the same things, but in very different ways. Just like rice is good, steamed or all dolled up like an Italian movie star.
Not so long ago wedding vows asked men to love, honor and cherish, while women promised to love, honor and obey. Nothing wrong with obey. As long as you like what you are doing, which brings us right back to respect.
If we respect someone, it is easy to comply with their requests. It is a pleasure. So the literal meaning of vows becomes food for thought, not the actual dish. There is nothing a miss with modern vows or ancient marriage rites, they remind us of what we hold sacred. In reality, it all comes down to the daily way you love and respect your partner in word and deed. Nothing more and nothing less.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, September 26, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Wonder Bread and Dating When Cooled
Dear Miss Kitty,
The time has come after a failed marriage and lengthy divorce to start dating. I am ready, willing but nervous. I really don’t want to make the same mistakes again. What if I am the loser my husband said I was? Is someone ready to date just because they want to?
Jill, Santa Barbara
Dear Jill,
If you switch out the word “dating” and place any sport in that spot, does it answer your question? Just because we want to ice-skate (secretly because of the pretty outfits), be a world-class golfer or set a record for best runner ever, doesn’t mean we have the skill set going in to be as successful as we would like or could be.
No one is born being absolutely incredible at anything. Hidden talents that seemly come with our DNA and eventually surface, are just that, talents. Most of the time we learn from others directly, indirectly and through as many sources as there are options.
But it seems when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, we drop the get-smart ball when great knowledge and education should be a natural goal. It can’t truly be from lack of motivation-a fulfilling love life tends to rate pretty high on the scale of life goals. So why do we choose to stay so ignorant? Apathy? Fear? Could it be the Wonder bread Complex?
Rarely mentioned but highly incorporated into our reality is The Wonder bread Complex. If you read the nutritional information on Wonder Bread along with any company promotional “facts,” you could believe that it is actually good for you. Anyone with a tiny amount of knowledge about nutrition knows that is not true. The complex named after the faux food item, and sometimes childish weapon, rears its pasty head when we erroneously believe that the most obvious is indeed correct. For example: Dating is natural. Love is natural. Sex is natural. Relationships are natural and therefore all the previously mentioned need no additional work or skills.
From the outside, it would appear that as soon as we find the RIGHT person, all will be well. Marriage stats confirm this is as nutty as peanut butter. Philosophy guru’s post 1960 claim that a positive attitude is all you need to have love-love-love. Applying anything resembling a quick cure is as sensible as believing breakfast in a can is as good as the real thing.
Like all pursuits of worth, great sex, great dating and excellent relationships start with believing in the self. Truly, deeply, madly believing with no doubts that we are lovable, valuable and consistently so. Valuable enough to continually get lots of accurate knowledge on the subject. Having any doubt in such a direction is a recipe for disaster. Can you fake it till you make it while dating? Can dating bolster the necessary sense of self-worth? Answer me this Batman? Can you frost a cake while it is baking? Didn’t think so.
Darling Jill, Boys and Girls, it is only possible to frost a cake when it is ready and that means, baked and cooled. If you jump the gun you end up with a messy cake and counter and have to start over again. Just ask Martha Stewart. Dating is an honorable pursuit. You can find out a lot about yourself, have fun (what a concept) and perhaps meet someone wonderful. On the other hand, dating when one is not ready can lead to something far worse than frosting in your hair.
Example: a relationship that is a copy-cat of the one you just left. A relationship out of convenience, loneliness, or security. Increased disillusionment about the self. If one is comfortable with the self, one doesn’t need anyone to “complete” them. Therefore being as complete as possible and that does not mean perfect, is actually necessary après dating.
There are endless tomes of dating “wisdom”; tricks to get a date, what to say and what to wear. How to “make” another person find you fabulous and fascinating! Now sit up and really pay attention! In fact, highlight this part in pink. If you have done your work and now find that you really are quite wonderful you won’t need any tricks. If you are using “tricks”, the reality is you are not being you. If you want someone to love you for yourself, how can pretending anything even if it is for a “good cause” make sense. I won’t lie, if you use tricks you will draw others to you. You will THINK you are a successful dater. There is a reason that the “life of a party” is surrounded by people. But are they people that the “life” really wants to spend time with? In the long and if you can bare to acknowledge it short run?
Harsh but true, if you haven’t done your work, the smoke screen will blow away and leave you naked the first time something goes wrong. Back to the person that is hiding underneath the “great date persona”. The one that is still covering up the real self from a lack of confidence. The one that is not yet ready to date for some very good reasons. What does this all mean? It means, go on a date with you, several in fact and see if you really are ready.
Have a naughty day!
The time has come after a failed marriage and lengthy divorce to start dating. I am ready, willing but nervous. I really don’t want to make the same mistakes again. What if I am the loser my husband said I was? Is someone ready to date just because they want to?
Jill, Santa Barbara
Dear Jill,
If you switch out the word “dating” and place any sport in that spot, does it answer your question? Just because we want to ice-skate (secretly because of the pretty outfits), be a world-class golfer or set a record for best runner ever, doesn’t mean we have the skill set going in to be as successful as we would like or could be.
No one is born being absolutely incredible at anything. Hidden talents that seemly come with our DNA and eventually surface, are just that, talents. Most of the time we learn from others directly, indirectly and through as many sources as there are options.
But it seems when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, we drop the get-smart ball when great knowledge and education should be a natural goal. It can’t truly be from lack of motivation-a fulfilling love life tends to rate pretty high on the scale of life goals. So why do we choose to stay so ignorant? Apathy? Fear? Could it be the Wonder bread Complex?
Rarely mentioned but highly incorporated into our reality is The Wonder bread Complex. If you read the nutritional information on Wonder Bread along with any company promotional “facts,” you could believe that it is actually good for you. Anyone with a tiny amount of knowledge about nutrition knows that is not true. The complex named after the faux food item, and sometimes childish weapon, rears its pasty head when we erroneously believe that the most obvious is indeed correct. For example: Dating is natural. Love is natural. Sex is natural. Relationships are natural and therefore all the previously mentioned need no additional work or skills.
From the outside, it would appear that as soon as we find the RIGHT person, all will be well. Marriage stats confirm this is as nutty as peanut butter. Philosophy guru’s post 1960 claim that a positive attitude is all you need to have love-love-love. Applying anything resembling a quick cure is as sensible as believing breakfast in a can is as good as the real thing.
Like all pursuits of worth, great sex, great dating and excellent relationships start with believing in the self. Truly, deeply, madly believing with no doubts that we are lovable, valuable and consistently so. Valuable enough to continually get lots of accurate knowledge on the subject. Having any doubt in such a direction is a recipe for disaster. Can you fake it till you make it while dating? Can dating bolster the necessary sense of self-worth? Answer me this Batman? Can you frost a cake while it is baking? Didn’t think so.
Darling Jill, Boys and Girls, it is only possible to frost a cake when it is ready and that means, baked and cooled. If you jump the gun you end up with a messy cake and counter and have to start over again. Just ask Martha Stewart. Dating is an honorable pursuit. You can find out a lot about yourself, have fun (what a concept) and perhaps meet someone wonderful. On the other hand, dating when one is not ready can lead to something far worse than frosting in your hair.
Example: a relationship that is a copy-cat of the one you just left. A relationship out of convenience, loneliness, or security. Increased disillusionment about the self. If one is comfortable with the self, one doesn’t need anyone to “complete” them. Therefore being as complete as possible and that does not mean perfect, is actually necessary après dating.
There are endless tomes of dating “wisdom”; tricks to get a date, what to say and what to wear. How to “make” another person find you fabulous and fascinating! Now sit up and really pay attention! In fact, highlight this part in pink. If you have done your work and now find that you really are quite wonderful you won’t need any tricks. If you are using “tricks”, the reality is you are not being you. If you want someone to love you for yourself, how can pretending anything even if it is for a “good cause” make sense. I won’t lie, if you use tricks you will draw others to you. You will THINK you are a successful dater. There is a reason that the “life of a party” is surrounded by people. But are they people that the “life” really wants to spend time with? In the long and if you can bare to acknowledge it short run?
Harsh but true, if you haven’t done your work, the smoke screen will blow away and leave you naked the first time something goes wrong. Back to the person that is hiding underneath the “great date persona”. The one that is still covering up the real self from a lack of confidence. The one that is not yet ready to date for some very good reasons. What does this all mean? It means, go on a date with you, several in fact and see if you really are ready.
Have a naughty day!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Red, White and The Blues
Dear Miss Kitty,
My long term girl friend and I have come to the place where, although we still care for each other, we are feeling perhaps we have taken this relationship as far as it can go. It’s got to be one of the hardest decisions I have made in a long time because I am not so sure that I might not find that later on in life, I made a bad choice and should have worked through the discontent. We have both looked at this for a while and it isn’t getting any clearer. We would both welcome any clarity you can provide with open arms.
William, Santa Barbara
Dear William,
No one playing the dirty game of politics is immune to the daily tabloid’s sleazy tall tales designed to “inform” their readers of the important shortcomings of candidates for public office. Accolades, experience and commendations aside, it tends to be the negative (real or imagined) that drives our political choices. As usual, the fear factor is recklessly driving our thoughts – and therefore our reality - over the speed limit for negativity, right past what we want into what we do not want. Is it any different when faced with the vexing challenge of whether to impeach a relationship or not? Could we be content with “most excellent” relationship poll results and still want something more? Can someone “work” for us and yet not be “The One” - and therefore be worth risking who-knows-what? When it comes to choosing Presidents or life partners, there is always more choice on the line than one could ever imagine. And the results of those choices, like an iceberg’s true depth, are hiding deep and unseen within the murky future.
Regardless of the way the wind is blowing the flag, there is the good, the bad and the ugly contained in all relationships. There is no one that is perfectly in tune with their main constituent and had a 100% approval rating at all times. A good choice for an effective relationship statesperson is someone that operates with congruence. The die-hard basic principal of clean living and high standards in all things goes a long way toward effective leadership. Everyone wants to be on the ticket with a thoughtful person who lives on high moral ground. The big difference between voting for daily safety and daily hotness is where “in love” and “love” show their true colors.
Like the perfect government, both benevolent compassion and flag-waving patriotic pride need to be in play for a relationship to work on a global scale. People, like politicians, are not fully interchangeable, regardless of their male or female status, or experience in foreign affairs. In other words, whatever isn’t working now has the potential - but won’t necessarily - show up in the next relationship. As a result, we should be very cautious of what we wish for when we say we want “Change”.
That being noted, wondrous well articulated campaign speeches only go so far as any man or woman that has been taxed by a smooth and slick sweet-talker can tell you. What happened in the past is only as good as the lessons that have been learned and implemented today. As far as experience goes, it’s what you do with it in the now that counts, not what you say you will do. It is frightening to make a decision when the future is unclear, but as that great states-alien Yoda would say, “Decide you will.”
If any choice made between partners invokes feelings of loss of what could have been, jubilation about potential, and clarity about the important next steps, one comes to the strange but true realization that there is no wrong choice. Just temporary thoughts, feelings and actions that will lead into a future that no one can predict.
Darling William, and Boys and Girls, we are not the sum of all that is. Egos set well aside, relationship choices - like votes - become clear when we make them for the good of something better than we could ever imagine or believe possible. Not from the place of what isn’t happening, is negative, or is bad for us. Not out of fear of loss that we are making a mistake that can’t ever be corrected if need be. So are our choices one-way mirrors looking right at us? As sure as Miss Kitty is a write-in Presidential candidate on your ballot come November! It comes down to uplifting our relationships, and our politics, up to where they belong: into the land of the truly free and not the home of the slave.
By the way, if you want a “Vote for Miss Kitty! Uplift America - one bra at a time” bumper sticker, pop by Purrmission Lingerie and pick one up while supplies last. Look out, McBama – Miss Kitty is hitting the campaign trail to educate America on her Uplifting Bra Experience platform! (Thanks Rocketman for the edit of a lifetime!)
Have a naughty day!
My long term girl friend and I have come to the place where, although we still care for each other, we are feeling perhaps we have taken this relationship as far as it can go. It’s got to be one of the hardest decisions I have made in a long time because I am not so sure that I might not find that later on in life, I made a bad choice and should have worked through the discontent. We have both looked at this for a while and it isn’t getting any clearer. We would both welcome any clarity you can provide with open arms.
William, Santa Barbara
Dear William,
No one playing the dirty game of politics is immune to the daily tabloid’s sleazy tall tales designed to “inform” their readers of the important shortcomings of candidates for public office. Accolades, experience and commendations aside, it tends to be the negative (real or imagined) that drives our political choices. As usual, the fear factor is recklessly driving our thoughts – and therefore our reality - over the speed limit for negativity, right past what we want into what we do not want. Is it any different when faced with the vexing challenge of whether to impeach a relationship or not? Could we be content with “most excellent” relationship poll results and still want something more? Can someone “work” for us and yet not be “The One” - and therefore be worth risking who-knows-what? When it comes to choosing Presidents or life partners, there is always more choice on the line than one could ever imagine. And the results of those choices, like an iceberg’s true depth, are hiding deep and unseen within the murky future.
Regardless of the way the wind is blowing the flag, there is the good, the bad and the ugly contained in all relationships. There is no one that is perfectly in tune with their main constituent and had a 100% approval rating at all times. A good choice for an effective relationship statesperson is someone that operates with congruence. The die-hard basic principal of clean living and high standards in all things goes a long way toward effective leadership. Everyone wants to be on the ticket with a thoughtful person who lives on high moral ground. The big difference between voting for daily safety and daily hotness is where “in love” and “love” show their true colors.
Like the perfect government, both benevolent compassion and flag-waving patriotic pride need to be in play for a relationship to work on a global scale. People, like politicians, are not fully interchangeable, regardless of their male or female status, or experience in foreign affairs. In other words, whatever isn’t working now has the potential - but won’t necessarily - show up in the next relationship. As a result, we should be very cautious of what we wish for when we say we want “Change”.
That being noted, wondrous well articulated campaign speeches only go so far as any man or woman that has been taxed by a smooth and slick sweet-talker can tell you. What happened in the past is only as good as the lessons that have been learned and implemented today. As far as experience goes, it’s what you do with it in the now that counts, not what you say you will do. It is frightening to make a decision when the future is unclear, but as that great states-alien Yoda would say, “Decide you will.”
If any choice made between partners invokes feelings of loss of what could have been, jubilation about potential, and clarity about the important next steps, one comes to the strange but true realization that there is no wrong choice. Just temporary thoughts, feelings and actions that will lead into a future that no one can predict.
Darling William, and Boys and Girls, we are not the sum of all that is. Egos set well aside, relationship choices - like votes - become clear when we make them for the good of something better than we could ever imagine or believe possible. Not from the place of what isn’t happening, is negative, or is bad for us. Not out of fear of loss that we are making a mistake that can’t ever be corrected if need be. So are our choices one-way mirrors looking right at us? As sure as Miss Kitty is a write-in Presidential candidate on your ballot come November! It comes down to uplifting our relationships, and our politics, up to where they belong: into the land of the truly free and not the home of the slave.
By the way, if you want a “Vote for Miss Kitty! Uplift America - one bra at a time” bumper sticker, pop by Purrmission Lingerie and pick one up while supplies last. Look out, McBama – Miss Kitty is hitting the campaign trail to educate America on her Uplifting Bra Experience platform! (Thanks Rocketman for the edit of a lifetime!)
Have a naughty day!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Digging in the Dirt
Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I had a few problems a while back and I just can’t seem to get over it. I am worried that if I don’t drop it she will become frustrated with me and then we will have more to deal with. The truth is I am not over it and as badly as I would like to be, I know it is influencing our relationship. For the record I am not usually someone that holds on to things and we have been married a LONG time. I absolutely love this woman and want to do the right thing. Can you advise?
Jerry, Santa Barbara
Dear Jerry,
It is part and parcel of a relationship to have confrontations and episodes of conflict. Our partner can be the best mirror possible, reflecting back to us a life journey that is a deeply rewarding experience. That being said, it isn’t all fun and games - and sometimes, when playing a particularly destabilizing version of the game of “Life”, it can take a while to get back on good old terra firma.
Hopefully, the little things - like leaving the toilet seat in various positions - are not keeping anyone up at night. When a big issue has made itself known however, it can take significant time to get back to “normal”. Why is it so difficult to get back to “normal”? Because where you were and how you were as a couple in the past is never going to be available to you again. Every experience changes us in some way, and the only thing that truly never changes is our experiences keep changing.
Sometimes we can feel and see the change and more often then not, the change goes into stealth mode: hard to detect without a bit of cloak and dagger recon into our past. So is it possible to ever completely resolve an issue? Even when the issue is no longer an issue, does it need lots of sugar on a regular basis to continue to be “gone?” When it comes to letting things go, just exactly what are we left holding on to?
Letting something truly go means understanding that the original problem is not the only thing that is going to take work and time to reflect upon. Not only was the original conflict put into play, but anything and everything from the past that became activated is game-on as well. Like a pin-ball machine gone haywire, all that is unresolved lights up, makes a lot of noise and causes us to “tilt” in confusion. It is becomes hard to relate to the original problem when it literally is no longer the source of the discord. In fact, it never was. Think of it as retro-active and long-forgotten anger, sadness, or frustrations - now brought back into living color without a whole lot of notice.
Darling Jerry, and Boys and Girls, if a persistent problem does not feel nicely tucked up in bed, ready for sleep and sweet dreams, it is going to need a really big glass of warm milk and a lot of cookies to get some much needed rest. Homemade cookies that take as much time as they need to become golden, and no complaints from anyone about all the crumbs. In other words, as wonderful as it is to live in the moment and embrace our existence with our loving partner it is equally part of the entire experience to wrestle with the darker side of being in a relationship, and making our peace with that little fact of life.
Have a naughty day!
My wife and I had a few problems a while back and I just can’t seem to get over it. I am worried that if I don’t drop it she will become frustrated with me and then we will have more to deal with. The truth is I am not over it and as badly as I would like to be, I know it is influencing our relationship. For the record I am not usually someone that holds on to things and we have been married a LONG time. I absolutely love this woman and want to do the right thing. Can you advise?
Jerry, Santa Barbara
Dear Jerry,
It is part and parcel of a relationship to have confrontations and episodes of conflict. Our partner can be the best mirror possible, reflecting back to us a life journey that is a deeply rewarding experience. That being said, it isn’t all fun and games - and sometimes, when playing a particularly destabilizing version of the game of “Life”, it can take a while to get back on good old terra firma.
Hopefully, the little things - like leaving the toilet seat in various positions - are not keeping anyone up at night. When a big issue has made itself known however, it can take significant time to get back to “normal”. Why is it so difficult to get back to “normal”? Because where you were and how you were as a couple in the past is never going to be available to you again. Every experience changes us in some way, and the only thing that truly never changes is our experiences keep changing.
Sometimes we can feel and see the change and more often then not, the change goes into stealth mode: hard to detect without a bit of cloak and dagger recon into our past. So is it possible to ever completely resolve an issue? Even when the issue is no longer an issue, does it need lots of sugar on a regular basis to continue to be “gone?” When it comes to letting things go, just exactly what are we left holding on to?
Letting something truly go means understanding that the original problem is not the only thing that is going to take work and time to reflect upon. Not only was the original conflict put into play, but anything and everything from the past that became activated is game-on as well. Like a pin-ball machine gone haywire, all that is unresolved lights up, makes a lot of noise and causes us to “tilt” in confusion. It is becomes hard to relate to the original problem when it literally is no longer the source of the discord. In fact, it never was. Think of it as retro-active and long-forgotten anger, sadness, or frustrations - now brought back into living color without a whole lot of notice.
Darling Jerry, and Boys and Girls, if a persistent problem does not feel nicely tucked up in bed, ready for sleep and sweet dreams, it is going to need a really big glass of warm milk and a lot of cookies to get some much needed rest. Homemade cookies that take as much time as they need to become golden, and no complaints from anyone about all the crumbs. In other words, as wonderful as it is to live in the moment and embrace our existence with our loving partner it is equally part of the entire experience to wrestle with the darker side of being in a relationship, and making our peace with that little fact of life.
Have a naughty day!
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