Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a man a few months ago and we are dating. We are having a great time, however, we live in different cities and don’t see each other as often as we would like. He likes to text and sends me cryptic email. A few weeks ago, we got in an argument and I am sure it had more to do with the communication style he likes, than anything else. I don’t want to be old school, but this texting is awful and I really don’t want to do it. Do you think I am just being old-fashioned here?
Carol, Santa Barbara
Dear Carol,
Talk about lost in translation, no longer do we just keep up with the Jones, we keep up with enough information to make a 1950’s KGB agent want to defect for Club Med on a permanent basis. On the nightstand isn’t the complete works of anyone with a modicum of literary talent but our teckie toys, just in case an “important” email or text message arrives. Our religious devotion to these paragons of progress rivals that of 16th Century French Monks in solemn prayer over a batch of Benedictine!
Being part and parcel of the communication age isn’t doing anything but taking us further and further away from being the social animals we are. That is if we are going continue to evolve. My god, if it isn’t already hard enough to communicate with each other, our language has been slaughtered into OMG, WTF, and LMAO. Great, the original tribal Ugg, after years of evolution has now been reduced (or is back to) Ugg. How far haven’t we come?
Modern life is not really our life of complete choice because most of it is manufactured by others, perhaps more so than any other time in history. People whose job is to keep us glued to their world in their way. If we are conditioned to their world we are also programmed to use the products they sell. This is both a direct sell in the case of an iphone with iapps that somehow you must have, or any one of the millions of ads that stream into our lives every second, promising to make life better and better. It is no wonder that our collective patience has grown as thin as a Swedish pancake?
Darling Carol, Boys and Girls, did you know that Trichinoses is a nasty disease that folks used to get from eating pork? Apparently when an autopsy is performed, the brains of its victims will be perforated by worm holes made by the worm’s pursuit of its food. Are we putting holes into our relationships in the pursuit of “better” communication?
It doesn't have to be that way; some of us can manage to live without the bombardment of this endless invasion of our lives. We can with some effort shrug it away and use the TV, cell phones, Internet as much as we dictate in a way that is appropriate, without sacrificing what is real intimacy.
Try this for one weekend; no activity that involves any outside influence. That means no phones, no Internet and no TV. You might find that an old hobby that you had forgotten, a book that you have been meaning to read, a hike in the hills, or writing a letter (hello a letter!) to someone might be all you need to take back your life and have the time of your life.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Intrusive Interludes
Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife had a short “interlude” with another man. She swears it was the first and only time and regardless of what she did, I believe her and I still love her. The issue is that she has moved on from what happened but sometimes I find myself ruminating over the affair and getting angry all over again. I am trying to let it be done, but it isn’t easy. Any help in a good direction would be welcome.
BC, Santa Barbara
Dear BC,
It seems deception is the place that hurts the most for so many of us. It stings because it hits at the very place where commitment lives. Honesty. And since most people believe that honesty is the heart and soul of a relationship, anything that threatens that truth is destructive to the very bone.
When our life partner (read that 10 times to feel what those two words really mean) isn't honest with us, it brings so much into question. It is impossible not to revisit the life choices we could have made, the upbringing that taught us that honesty was the right and only path of a "good" person, and that there are partners out there that would never consider cheating in the first place.
Our past, present and future are rocked when a deception of such magnitude hits. Our own core values as well as our stability become anything but stable. In a place of such uncertainty, it no surprise that we can find ourselves long after the initial shake-up feeling tremors that bring us into upheaval again and again.
So how do you manage damage control for the sake of the relationship while at the same time healing the wreckage that lives within? How do you purge the past for the benefit of the present and future without bandaging wounds so well they never heal? It is a delicate operation that takes finesse - and believe it or not - trust.
It may sting all over again to think that putting ones’ faith in trust, of all things, is anything but a denial of the self and a set-up for a future disaster. This is defiantly a hard, even nasty concept to want to grasp. It can feel like exactly the wrong way to go, but it isn’t. Trust me. To sweeten the process, here is the sugar to help the medicine go down. I give you permission to be mad, be sad, be livid like you have never been before. The only rule, is that none of the venom or tears can be directed at the one caught with their pants down.
If the Billy Clinton in your life, has half a brain and decent values, they are more than well-aware of the ill-omened choices that they made. If they are being honest with themselves, they are in their own world of remorse and pain, and do not need you with GPS guidance showing them any more of the damaged and burnt landscape of a once happy terrain. At this point in their understanding of what transpired, they dearly need to be in the present in order not to sink into the murky bog of guilt and shame. That kind of self-hating quicksand will suck them down (and you with them) so there is never a chance of moving forward. The reality is that the more the stray cat has to help the house cat heal, the longer it takes for the stray cat to find home again.
Darling BC, and Boys and Girls: does it still feel like the bad one is getting it easy? The one that stole the cookies and ate them all up didn’t get punished? They didn’t even get fat? Sometimes it feels that way -so grab pen and paper and write out all the rotten things you want to say and no editing allowed. This menacing memoir is all about you. The pain, the anger, the Plan B to run away with a real Prince or Princess Charming! This is where the caustic, fed-up, and very angry little person inside can get even. It will feel really good. Not only will you have a draft for a hit movie, you might just feel cleansed enough to balance what is written about the awful past with what is happening right now – and that present might be pretty good.
If the remorse is genuine, there will be noticeable changes for the better. Letting that sink in is very difficult and yes, hard to trust - but if you do trust it to be real, it is a crucial building block for the future.
Have a naughty day!
My wife had a short “interlude” with another man. She swears it was the first and only time and regardless of what she did, I believe her and I still love her. The issue is that she has moved on from what happened but sometimes I find myself ruminating over the affair and getting angry all over again. I am trying to let it be done, but it isn’t easy. Any help in a good direction would be welcome.
BC, Santa Barbara
Dear BC,
It seems deception is the place that hurts the most for so many of us. It stings because it hits at the very place where commitment lives. Honesty. And since most people believe that honesty is the heart and soul of a relationship, anything that threatens that truth is destructive to the very bone.
When our life partner (read that 10 times to feel what those two words really mean) isn't honest with us, it brings so much into question. It is impossible not to revisit the life choices we could have made, the upbringing that taught us that honesty was the right and only path of a "good" person, and that there are partners out there that would never consider cheating in the first place.
Our past, present and future are rocked when a deception of such magnitude hits. Our own core values as well as our stability become anything but stable. In a place of such uncertainty, it no surprise that we can find ourselves long after the initial shake-up feeling tremors that bring us into upheaval again and again.
So how do you manage damage control for the sake of the relationship while at the same time healing the wreckage that lives within? How do you purge the past for the benefit of the present and future without bandaging wounds so well they never heal? It is a delicate operation that takes finesse - and believe it or not - trust.
It may sting all over again to think that putting ones’ faith in trust, of all things, is anything but a denial of the self and a set-up for a future disaster. This is defiantly a hard, even nasty concept to want to grasp. It can feel like exactly the wrong way to go, but it isn’t. Trust me. To sweeten the process, here is the sugar to help the medicine go down. I give you permission to be mad, be sad, be livid like you have never been before. The only rule, is that none of the venom or tears can be directed at the one caught with their pants down.
If the Billy Clinton in your life, has half a brain and decent values, they are more than well-aware of the ill-omened choices that they made. If they are being honest with themselves, they are in their own world of remorse and pain, and do not need you with GPS guidance showing them any more of the damaged and burnt landscape of a once happy terrain. At this point in their understanding of what transpired, they dearly need to be in the present in order not to sink into the murky bog of guilt and shame. That kind of self-hating quicksand will suck them down (and you with them) so there is never a chance of moving forward. The reality is that the more the stray cat has to help the house cat heal, the longer it takes for the stray cat to find home again.
Darling BC, and Boys and Girls: does it still feel like the bad one is getting it easy? The one that stole the cookies and ate them all up didn’t get punished? They didn’t even get fat? Sometimes it feels that way -so grab pen and paper and write out all the rotten things you want to say and no editing allowed. This menacing memoir is all about you. The pain, the anger, the Plan B to run away with a real Prince or Princess Charming! This is where the caustic, fed-up, and very angry little person inside can get even. It will feel really good. Not only will you have a draft for a hit movie, you might just feel cleansed enough to balance what is written about the awful past with what is happening right now – and that present might be pretty good.
If the remorse is genuine, there will be noticeable changes for the better. Letting that sink in is very difficult and yes, hard to trust - but if you do trust it to be real, it is a crucial building block for the future.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Where Have all the Nice Girls Gone?
Dear Miss Kitty,
I am a 45 year old man, have been divorced for nearly two years, and have begun to date. Believe or not, I have very little experience dating and for the time being I just want some fun after being married to Satan for so many years. My problem is that in spite of my best efforts to be honest and clear that my intent is to have fun and keep it light, on numerous occasions after several dates (getting more physical) the women, who originally agreed to keeping it light are ready to slap a ring on my finger! Why do so many women throw the big change-up when I am initially honest about my intentions? If I am doing something wrong here, I would appreciate some advice. Thank you.
John H, Santa Barbara
Dear John:
If we are honest with ourselves regarding our intentions, when we want a burger and a chocolate shake, we feel good about it, even though we are consuming the caloric equivalent of week’s rations in space. If we really know we should have a salad with dressing on the side, but order the burger anyway, the lack of congruence can cause more than just a bad case of indigestion – it can cause us to end up dazed, confused and have a bad taste in our mouth.
Along with the tropical fruit flavored Tums we now consume by the truck load, we begin to dump the excess guilt onto anything and anyone we can find. “The day from hell made me go off my diet”; “I never got a chocolate shake when I was a kid”; “the waitress MADE me order it”. Yes, anything and everything except for looking at the fact - the basic ketchup-on-your-face truth: We tend to get exactly what we tell others we want, and when our order arrives wrong, the reality is that they are receiving an inaccurate message from us.
It may sound like truth to say that playing the field sounds like a healthy pursuit for a man recently removed from the purgatory of pitch fork central. If that is what was really desired, and shown through congruent actions and words, then that is precisely what would happen. The women dated would respond (either positively or negatively) to the clarified admonition that “lite” dating was on the menu. But if one is still sometimes existing in the deep, dark recesses of a personal past hell where issues are left unresolved, there’s not a snowball’s chance in August in Las Vegas (or anywhere else), that dating will be anything like heaven.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but this Kitty is willing to go out on a limb and say that if so many women are ready, so fast, to put a picture of the happy couple on this year Christmas card, isn’t it possible that what is being given off isn’t James Bond on holiday? If it walks like a married man, and talks like a married man, it probably is a divorced man that is still acting like a married man. One that is giving off anything but a free-wheeling man-about-town! So, lets put the (shaken not stirred) martini down, retrieve a “JB” monogrammed index card from the well organized desk, and write out a helpful, always appropriate and copy written (pending) declaration of pre-whoopee activity that is wallet sized. In other words, even more comprehensive than a Donald Trump pre-nup - the official MK “No No No!” contract, to be read out loud while making direct eye contact with date, and while you are both still fully clothed:
“This contract, when hereby initiated before naughtiness, means even after naughtiness, there will be NO expectations of instant boyfriend. NO expectations of boyfriendesque communications. NO hidden agendas concerning anything to do with making a serious (heavy) relationship, such that would require weighting down contract-bearer with ball and chain.” (Make sure it is double spaced for clear and easy reading in case you’re still reading while trying to get your pants down fast!)
Which brings us to the last and not, as yet copy written part of the MK “No No No!” contract. Slow down. Really! Darling John, and Boys and Girls, no one wants it to be true, but we are animals. Maybe we are not Serengeti-ready or even Zoo-worthy, but we are heavily driven by chemical responses that we have little control over. Chemical response, as defined here, is not necessarily to be confused with the Bond-esque martini mentioned earlier. Chemical response is all those lovely hormones that like to kick in fast, once we have kicked off our shoes and kicked up our heels. Stay aware of this fact, and it will make sense to wait a few more dates than usual before setting the herd loose.
Honesty and communication of intent have a better chance of taking root early-on when both parties the take time to know them selves mentally before going on safari physically.
So now John; armed with the knowledge that what one gives off must be as true as what one wishes was perceived (and with the contract of the century as back-up) all I can say is…
Have a naughty day!
I am a 45 year old man, have been divorced for nearly two years, and have begun to date. Believe or not, I have very little experience dating and for the time being I just want some fun after being married to Satan for so many years. My problem is that in spite of my best efforts to be honest and clear that my intent is to have fun and keep it light, on numerous occasions after several dates (getting more physical) the women, who originally agreed to keeping it light are ready to slap a ring on my finger! Why do so many women throw the big change-up when I am initially honest about my intentions? If I am doing something wrong here, I would appreciate some advice. Thank you.
John H, Santa Barbara
Dear John:
If we are honest with ourselves regarding our intentions, when we want a burger and a chocolate shake, we feel good about it, even though we are consuming the caloric equivalent of week’s rations in space. If we really know we should have a salad with dressing on the side, but order the burger anyway, the lack of congruence can cause more than just a bad case of indigestion – it can cause us to end up dazed, confused and have a bad taste in our mouth.
Along with the tropical fruit flavored Tums we now consume by the truck load, we begin to dump the excess guilt onto anything and anyone we can find. “The day from hell made me go off my diet”; “I never got a chocolate shake when I was a kid”; “the waitress MADE me order it”. Yes, anything and everything except for looking at the fact - the basic ketchup-on-your-face truth: We tend to get exactly what we tell others we want, and when our order arrives wrong, the reality is that they are receiving an inaccurate message from us.
It may sound like truth to say that playing the field sounds like a healthy pursuit for a man recently removed from the purgatory of pitch fork central. If that is what was really desired, and shown through congruent actions and words, then that is precisely what would happen. The women dated would respond (either positively or negatively) to the clarified admonition that “lite” dating was on the menu. But if one is still sometimes existing in the deep, dark recesses of a personal past hell where issues are left unresolved, there’s not a snowball’s chance in August in Las Vegas (or anywhere else), that dating will be anything like heaven.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but this Kitty is willing to go out on a limb and say that if so many women are ready, so fast, to put a picture of the happy couple on this year Christmas card, isn’t it possible that what is being given off isn’t James Bond on holiday? If it walks like a married man, and talks like a married man, it probably is a divorced man that is still acting like a married man. One that is giving off anything but a free-wheeling man-about-town! So, lets put the (shaken not stirred) martini down, retrieve a “JB” monogrammed index card from the well organized desk, and write out a helpful, always appropriate and copy written (pending) declaration of pre-whoopee activity that is wallet sized. In other words, even more comprehensive than a Donald Trump pre-nup - the official MK “No No No!” contract, to be read out loud while making direct eye contact with date, and while you are both still fully clothed:
“This contract, when hereby initiated before naughtiness, means even after naughtiness, there will be NO expectations of instant boyfriend. NO expectations of boyfriendesque communications. NO hidden agendas concerning anything to do with making a serious (heavy) relationship, such that would require weighting down contract-bearer with ball and chain.” (Make sure it is double spaced for clear and easy reading in case you’re still reading while trying to get your pants down fast!)
Which brings us to the last and not, as yet copy written part of the MK “No No No!” contract. Slow down. Really! Darling John, and Boys and Girls, no one wants it to be true, but we are animals. Maybe we are not Serengeti-ready or even Zoo-worthy, but we are heavily driven by chemical responses that we have little control over. Chemical response, as defined here, is not necessarily to be confused with the Bond-esque martini mentioned earlier. Chemical response is all those lovely hormones that like to kick in fast, once we have kicked off our shoes and kicked up our heels. Stay aware of this fact, and it will make sense to wait a few more dates than usual before setting the herd loose.
Honesty and communication of intent have a better chance of taking root early-on when both parties the take time to know them selves mentally before going on safari physically.
So now John; armed with the knowledge that what one gives off must be as true as what one wishes was perceived (and with the contract of the century as back-up) all I can say is…
Have a naughty day!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The Spanish Inquistion
Dear Miss Kitty,
I am dating a new man and want to ask him some personal questions. What questions are acceptable to ask without sounding rude? I have a history of being with the wrong kind of guy (for me) and I think if I take a more logical approach to dating I will do better. Not only that, but a few things about him are just not adding up right. On the other hand I could be totally in left field and I don’t want this guy to get the wrong idea about why I am asking these questions and be turned off. Help?
S.K, SANTA BARBARA
Dear S.K.,
If fireworks lit up the night sky with brilliant color and no noise, we would notice. If we saw sushi placed on red hot coals, we would notice. If we went to the beach and green grass had replaced all the sand, we would notice. Not only would we notice, we would have questions - and lots of them. So why is it, when we are getting to know a new someone, are we shy about getting some answers? Why is the act of acquiring knowledge via questioning perceived as rude? Should we really accept everyone until proven otherwise? When it comes to digging in deeper, it is the wise that bring a sturdy and reliable shovel!
It is no lie that early on in any relationship; everyone is on their best behavior. Like little kids at a dinner party for grown-ups, keeping quiet and being “good”, gets you an invite for the next time. Not to mention extra cherries in your Shirley Temple! But as the party winds down, and children get tired “reality” gets the chance to show up and show off.
When dating someone new there is no reliable or known time frame for the authentic to manifest. As airy-fairy as it sounds, only time will tell. It takes the events that will eventually transpire within a relationship to know the true depth of another human being. Does this mean that up-front questions are out of order? Absolutely not, nor are they rude unless the subject in under harsh lighting, duck-taped to a chair and forbidden water for more than 24 hours. Does this mean, the truth will always be told? Absolutely not. It might also mean that the truth is not something that can be understood or perceived at this particular place in time.
For example: A man remodels his home and doesn’t install a kitchen. He doesn’t cook and brings home a couple of cokes with his take-out food every evening which works for him. He meets a woman and she does cook. He now installs a kitchen. She is thrilled. She never questioned him or herself because in the framework of the reality she was being shown, the house sans kitchen made sense.
Unless one has a reference point in their own experience file cabinet, another’s explanation might seem logical. It would take time to know that the real reason Mr. I-Don’t-Cook-Don’t-Need-a-Kitchen was because he was incapable of finishing anything he started. Could she have known that by simply asking questions? Not in the early days…not unless he was a person that was so secure in his own reality – and so knowledgeable of himself - that he would have told her the actual truth, not the one that she would accept as valid.
Darling SK, Boys and Girls, asking questions is always a good idea. They start a dialogue and assist in filtering out aspects that we need to know. They are not however a perfectly reliable oracle that will tell the future with certainty. The future is subject to change and what was yesterdays’ perception will no doubt alter without the scope of continued self-discovery, communication and congruence.
Have a naughty day!
I am dating a new man and want to ask him some personal questions. What questions are acceptable to ask without sounding rude? I have a history of being with the wrong kind of guy (for me) and I think if I take a more logical approach to dating I will do better. Not only that, but a few things about him are just not adding up right. On the other hand I could be totally in left field and I don’t want this guy to get the wrong idea about why I am asking these questions and be turned off. Help?
S.K, SANTA BARBARA
Dear S.K.,
If fireworks lit up the night sky with brilliant color and no noise, we would notice. If we saw sushi placed on red hot coals, we would notice. If we went to the beach and green grass had replaced all the sand, we would notice. Not only would we notice, we would have questions - and lots of them. So why is it, when we are getting to know a new someone, are we shy about getting some answers? Why is the act of acquiring knowledge via questioning perceived as rude? Should we really accept everyone until proven otherwise? When it comes to digging in deeper, it is the wise that bring a sturdy and reliable shovel!
It is no lie that early on in any relationship; everyone is on their best behavior. Like little kids at a dinner party for grown-ups, keeping quiet and being “good”, gets you an invite for the next time. Not to mention extra cherries in your Shirley Temple! But as the party winds down, and children get tired “reality” gets the chance to show up and show off.
When dating someone new there is no reliable or known time frame for the authentic to manifest. As airy-fairy as it sounds, only time will tell. It takes the events that will eventually transpire within a relationship to know the true depth of another human being. Does this mean that up-front questions are out of order? Absolutely not, nor are they rude unless the subject in under harsh lighting, duck-taped to a chair and forbidden water for more than 24 hours. Does this mean, the truth will always be told? Absolutely not. It might also mean that the truth is not something that can be understood or perceived at this particular place in time.
For example: A man remodels his home and doesn’t install a kitchen. He doesn’t cook and brings home a couple of cokes with his take-out food every evening which works for him. He meets a woman and she does cook. He now installs a kitchen. She is thrilled. She never questioned him or herself because in the framework of the reality she was being shown, the house sans kitchen made sense.
Unless one has a reference point in their own experience file cabinet, another’s explanation might seem logical. It would take time to know that the real reason Mr. I-Don’t-Cook-Don’t-Need-a-Kitchen was because he was incapable of finishing anything he started. Could she have known that by simply asking questions? Not in the early days…not unless he was a person that was so secure in his own reality – and so knowledgeable of himself - that he would have told her the actual truth, not the one that she would accept as valid.
Darling SK, Boys and Girls, asking questions is always a good idea. They start a dialogue and assist in filtering out aspects that we need to know. They are not however a perfectly reliable oracle that will tell the future with certainty. The future is subject to change and what was yesterdays’ perception will no doubt alter without the scope of continued self-discovery, communication and congruence.
Have a naughty day!
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