Giving, getting, and getting it right

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been going out with my BF for a little over a year. We have a great relationship, talk about the future and he acts like he loves me, but he has never said the magic words. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and all I really want is for him to say, “I love you.” It may sound weird, but it is true and really what I want. I think he wants to but I wonder if I am setting myself here?
S.L, SANTA BARBARA


Dear Waiting:
When Christmas morning rolls around wouldn’t be amazing if under the fragrant tree, there was a pile of beautifully wrapped, empty boxes? Silky ribbons lavishly tied around them, they contain the invisible, but vitally important presents that really matter to us. Detailed instructions included of course, to make sure we understand both the value and the implied messages that are inherent in such precious gifts. Discover the tangible manifestations of what we need - alongside the harder-to-pin-down aspects of our ethereal wants.

Put “truth”, that most magnificent of all treasures right on the top of the pile, with all the tricky little accessories that come with it. The multitude of small parts that are so easy to lose, but necessary if the complex gift is going to work at full, honest capacity. If you are giving this priceless gift, you will need to purchase a guarantee- a lifetime guarantee which covers parts and labor. Lots of labor, for it is a labor of love to maintain this valuable bequest, and keep track of those tiny little pieces that don’t always seem important until you find one of them missing.

The next box, wrapped up in silver paper with a deep blue velvet bow, just screaming, “Open me first!” is “Time” The simple pleasure of more than a moment and less than a lifetime; the freeing satisfaction of having someone else do something special, just for you. When Miss K was a mere credit card-less kitten, scribbling away making homemade coupons for cups of tea and car washes, she never knew the value of what she was giving away. Now a grown up and perpetually busy cat, the idea of truly free time – time that is all yours - is on par with zero calorie cinnamon rolls. It’s always treasured to give of yourself, even if your tea-making skills would get you fired at the local Starbucks.

Wrapped in the most exquisite of wrappings, but of course the most difficult box to open, is “I love you.” The ultimate gift of no return and no exchange. You are not only giving of yourself, but making a commitment of never-ending work. This is the best sort of work – a true labor of love, but should never be given or taken duress.

This Lego like castle- of- love has endless pieces, instructions that are sometimes indecipherable and pending revision on most days. When the castle gets stepped on by life, it takes time and energy to put it back together again. When combined with the gift of truth and an unwavering commitment, sometimes the rebuild is even better and stronger than the original.

So darling Boys, Girls and S.L, when shopping this holiday season, think about what your giving, not what you are getting. Head to the mall of the ultimate gifts - where price is no object and the payment plans are always reasonable. You can wrap up some truth, throw in some time and know that your gift is not only as good as it gets, but the recipient will think it is even more precious and treasured than you could have ever imagined.
Have a naughty day!

To tie the knot or not?

Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiance and I have a wedding planned for Christmas Eve. This past weekend he told me that when we first started dating, when he was away on a business trip, he had a one-night stand with a women he met on the plane. He says he wanted to come clean before we tie the knot. We have been dating for 4 years and I don't know why he waited until now to tell me. I also don't know whether I am relieved he was honest or @#$%# mad he ever had a one-night stand and didn't tell me!
C.S, SANTA BARBARA

Dear CS,
Any sailor or mountain climber can tell you there are as many knots as there are situations, so exactly what not-so-obvious “knot” do you think your fiance is interested in tying? The always popular, already- paid-for -the- caterer-just-let-it-go-knot? The better-to-ask-for-forgiveness-than-permission knot? There somewhat smug I -told -the- truth -and-I-didn't-have-to-so-you-can't-be-mad knot? Just why and when someone chooses to divulge a transgression usually has more to do with what they stand to loose if they don't confess, than doing the right thing. Right Tiger?

Speaking of doing the right thing, just when was this infringement conducted in terms of the relationship? If Mr. Business class was technically still a free wheeling man about town, in other words you didn't have the going steady agreement, it doesn't really matter what he did. No mutually agreed upon contract means both of you were free to peruse any indulgence you fancied. On the other side of the green, maybe you did have “the talk” and the real issue isn't so much the timing of the tell -all but the content of the confession.

If the offense was on “company time” meaning yours, not only did he transgress during travel, but kept information that had a bearing on your relationship in order to keep the relationship. For years. Regardless of the reasons why, the most likely being fear of losing you, it wasn't right than and it opens up just what kind of values he lives by. Every day values are the most critical component of a marriage. With this structure firmly in place a marriage can far exceed the expected projection of a 50/50 success rate. Without out it, you do the math.

If during the relationship retrospective it turns out that Mr. Come Fly with Me was really a free agent his bringing up the breach is still open season for rumination. Did he think that taking the truth plunge was really for your benefit? Please! As hard to swallow as stale wedding cake, when someone takes the plunge to come clean, without provocation, their honesty does not trump the transgression. Optional disclosure is neither a new band or a free pass to paradise. Optional disclosure is most like fishing with Cantonese steamed dumplings for bait. No data as of yet and there are no points for creativity.

Darling Boys, Girls and CS, believe it or not, many a bride or groom has been a no-show on the guest list at their own wedding. There is also no shame in putting everything including the ice, on ice until one feels completely comfortable with such an important life commitment. It may take longer than the next three weeks, maybe as long as a flight from here to the moon. The upcoming wedding should not weight into your decision what-so-ever. All that does matters is that you, without any doubt feel good about YOUR decision to marry or not marry based on the latest and greatest of news flashes and how you choose to resolve it.
Have a naughty day!

Brain washing or true love?

Dear Miss Kitty,
I asked my mom how do you know if it is true love or if you are being brain washed? She said you would know.
Mira, SANTA BARBARA (age 13)


Dear Mira,
You know the immediate feeling of intense joy that follows the first lick on the face from a new puppy? As sweet as that wet kiss may be, it is nothing compared to the depth of love from an old and trusted dog. It’s not that we love the puppy any less, but puppy love has not had the opportunity to deepen beyond the excitement of the new and the euphoria of incredible cuteness. Real love takes time to grow - and it grows best in an emotionally mature place where the fence is just the right height.

A puppy is not capable of brain washing anyone, although the term “puppy dog eyes” would certainly make someone think so. No, a puppy's charms work their magic without the aid of any voodoo tricks. People, however, have the potential to as you say, “a bit of brain washing”. Once in a while, someone is a professional at this craft. Google “Gold digger” and “Gigolo” and then make sure you never can fit the description and if you meet someone that does, run away very fast. Using someone by pretending to like them or love them is one step away from brainwashing and possibly illegal in some states.

Although someone else can appear to put a brain though the rinse cycle and spin it, the real soaking is done by the “under-dog” herself. And that concept, as crazy as it may sound, is a wonderful thing to learn at 13. If you can really understand it and then live it, no one will ever stand a chance at “training” you the wrong way.
True love can be recognized by giving that possibly special someone the chance to be just that: true to you. Being true to someone takes time and a lot of work, and most of the work, isn't within the relationship. It is work on the self. So, before you can take puppy love to the next step you have to train yourself to know what is right and what is not for you. When you automatically know to listen to yourself (sit) and believe what you hear (stay) “The Washers” will never get a chance to load your brain with anything.

Love is not only a many-splendored thing, but something that continues to change as we change. What doesn't change (and is rule number one in Miss Kitty's Guide to Life and Love), is that the definition of love is defined by the receiver, not the giver. If love isn't received as we wish it, it will never feel quite right. This not-quite-right-feeling is a tip that perhaps the relationship isn't the one of your dreams.

Darling Mira, Boys and Girls, we all have the capacity and the intuition to know if it is brain washing or true love. We can only gauge the feelings correctly if we are willing to know ourselves really well and then accept that those little feelings of unease are our silver bullet. Just in case the cute little puppy is really a werewolf.
Have a naughty day!

Norma Jean, Marilyn Monroe, and No One Special

Dear Miss Kitty,
Last night I had a dream that my boyfriend was flirting with Marilyn Monroe and even though I tried I couldn't do anything to get his attention. I just moved out on my own - and based on the dream I suppose I am afraid of losing his attention now that I am not around him as much as I was. I'm usually a very confident person, but what can I do when I'm jealous of something that doesn't even exist?
Dreaming and Confused


Dear Dreaming,
When it comes to the internal struggle between fantasy and reality it is hard to know what side our psyche is pitching for. Exuding a heady combination of confidence and clarity we strut our stuff by day while at night even a peek-a-boo baby doll is no match for a phantom Norma Jean. Is self-confidence as much a specter as the eternal bombshell? Is dreamy insecurity really a comfortable blanket in which to cling to? Could we really know much more about ourselves than we actually allow ourselves to claim?

There is a well known cliché that if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear the sound - was a sound ever made? There is a well known cliché in the world of MK that if a partner falls and you are not around to hear it - they still fell! Actual observation of the fall, regardless of what the falling was over, happened. Even if you don't know it, they do - and sometimes that is enough. It is reasonable to have concern about a partner's activity when they are deep in the forest, without you.

That being said, we have zero direct control over other people (and minimal control over our own zany dreams). What we do have control over is choosing to be with someone that has a similar, if not the same, values system as ourselves. That crucial network of well thought out life choices and boundaries should be in place and understood by all, at all times. A system based on strong and unwavering values is a reliable and trustworthy system - and just the safety-net one needs when making changes to themselves or to the relationship (such as moving out and on to greater independence).

Darling Boys and Girls and Dreaming, think of it as a "code of conduct insurance policy". Taking the time to formulate and write a bullet-proof mutual-of-values relationship policy may take more work than you think. It may need yearly amendments and riders covering scary potential disasters, and it requires regular maintenance via heartfelt communication. Putting such a policy in place is never easy, and both partners agreeing to it will pay the price of hard work and uncomfortable honesty in putting it together. Most couples with the immediate "I want it now" gratification-based way of relating will find it to be not worth the hassle. But for those in it for the long haul, it will be worth every hard-earned penny.
Have a naughty day!

Haunted and Haunting

Darling Boys and Girls,
In the spirit of Halloween, when we willingly shun the everyday and venture in the unknown without trepidation or fear perhaps you have the courage for a true horror story.

The wind was howling and the lights flickered as the power threatened to go out. Eventually it did, but she lit a dusty old candle which sparked and then settled down. She looked around to get her bearings in the haunting silence. Chilled to the very bones that she called home, she laid out her life and called to the spirits that on this one very special night -might just answer her pleas. She called to the night that she would do anything if someone would answer her. Maybe even save her. A dark presence entered the room, now bathed in shadow,and a disembodied voice that was far from human, began to speak.

“Everyone has haunted rooms in the mansion they call their mind. Everyone has ghosts from the past and ghosts yet to be born. The dark spirits that haunt our present, appear as fathom- less opportunists of lost moments gone horribly wrong. When the repressed screams of nightmares and gut-wrenching visions sustained through out the day can no longer be contained, the evil that is good gone wrong, can finally be vanquished. Peace is possible.”

The fragile flame was no match for the eerie wind that without warning blew through the room and plunged the already dimly lit space into utter blackness. The spirit had gone. It had said all that was needed. As she sat in gloomy quiet the absolute certainty of the chilling words slowly sank down into the once brilliant dwelling of her consciousness, before it had become dank with secrets and littered with regrets. The truth, that the sector of pain and torment that resided in her thoughts, that had laid claim to her very soul, would be there forever, unless she would set them free. There was nothing to do but faced the concealed demons and bring down without remorse, the nebulous hellions that accumulate without notice.

The mystic night had presented a rare gift from the unseen and all knowing world that lives in parallel with ours. Priceless knowledge is rarely given and the spirit that gave the gift expected it to be used well. In fact the agreed upon price was very fair. Knowledge in exchange for action. For the spirit she had summoned could move to the next realm of truth, if one human would change their personal destiny when given the key to true happiness -the ultimate release from self torment in it's myriad forms.

As she sat, in sober reflection, but without belief, a single blood red thread of fear and doubt snaked it's way around her throat. Her hands rose up to release the little thread which was slowly choking off her ability to call out for help. She struggled for her last breath, but the thread tightened it's grip and the dim light faded to nothingness. She died as she had lived, in silent fear and great remorse.
Have a naughty Halloween.

Shacking up and shaken down

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I moved in together a few months ago and now although I still love him, I think it was too soon to set up house together. We are both in our early 20’s. Do you think the relationship will survive if we go back to dating and living apart?
Betty R.


When it comes to relationships, sometimes an adjustment works and sometimes it is just putting off the inevitable. The real question is how to determine which is which? When we find ourselves feeling that our relationship choices (either the actual person or the current living configuration) aren’t working, does it mean that what we have- isn’t really what we wanted? When we jumped too far, too fast, can we go back to the beginning and try something different? Truth is always stranger than fiction, so could incompatibility really be a lucky break that allows the dodging of a future bullet like a get-away-car just outside the Chapel of Love?

Just because matching towels look cute and painting a room together can turn into a steamy scene in an R- rated movie, doesn’t mean living together is going to be an accurate test of a relationship’s future potential - and therefore living together is nothing to undertake lightly. Living together is not dating 24-7! Dating means seeing each other when it is convenient with all parties, and generally there is prior notice. Every part of life goes on hold while the date is on. Nice work if you can get it! Living together means you are available most of the time and real life never goes on hold. Part and parcel of living together is realizing the reality is it is what it is and it is pretty good most of the time.

Living with someone, married or not, takes more than just a desire to be together. It takes a sophisticated level of maturity on many levels. It means a lot of wholehearted compromise and adjustment. Depending on where you are in your life, priorities are something that need to be accurately clarified up front. Are you a night owl that needs a constant supply of night life? Is your book-worm partner really alright with that? The basics that come into play when living with someone are bound to rear up and want some attention as well. It is the nature of the beast. Little old things like bills, groceries, and laundry are going to push hot dates, lazy mornings and that devil-may-care attitude right out the window.

Does that mean that once you live together, fun is only for New Year’s Eve and every other birthday? Of course not! But it does mean that life now entails more than just a moment to moment existence which is all about fun. With all of that in the mix it isn’t surprising that shacking up shakes things up faster than a bartender making a drink for 007!

Darling Betty, and Boys and Girls, except for a few roller coasters, nothing comes to mind that goes backwards. Like the rising and setting of the sun, there are natural orders and that must be observed. Whether we like it or not, life moves in a forward progression. We flow in and out of experiences to benefit our continued understanding of the human experience.

There is everything right with making adjustments. We really need to be more comfortable and aware of correcting as we go along instead of waiting until a crisis forces us to change. Change made for crisis alone is impossible to sustain. Betty, moving apart generally doesn’t bring anyone closer - and before you take that step, know that it is never too late to talk things out and see what will make both of you happy in the short and long run.

Have a naughty day!

Cutting onions and taking chances

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, since I was 19. Nothing is really wrong with us, I just think I need to experience a bit more of life before I settle down. The thing is I am scared I am making a mistake by moving on since he really is a great guy, but on the other hand, I don’t want to get 10 years down the road with any regrets. How can you decide without making a mistake?
Lisette


Dear Lisette,
When preparing an onion for cooking, you can have a variety of experiences. You can just lay into the fragrant orb, cleaver-a-whirling and depending on the onion, cry a little or cry a lot. You can chill the many layered veggie to reduce the possibility of its eye smarting noxious fumes, or you can buy it pre-chopped and frozen and escape the possibilities of tears altogether (good-bye connecting with your potential culinary genius). The most important thing to note is that regardless of what you do, there are more possibilities than you could ever have imagined in terms of the actual experience, but in the end, experience and tissues aside, you end up with a mound of chopped, diced or sliced onion.

When deciding on life’s various paths, we walk the walk of the onion, not the onion chopper. For the onion is unlimited in its layer upon layer of translucent possibilities. Gently and slowly peeled, abruptly severed to get to the next step as quickly as possible, or growing right out of the cooking pot and into a healthy little plant waving in the wind.

There are no rights or wrongs here, just different choices. The part of the choice that keeps you grounded and lets you know that - although difficult or fraught with feelings - it is the correct one for you, is when you take the time to feel and sit with your decision, whatever it is. Making decisions based on the possibilities for the future is sensible when it comes to investing in the stock market, but makes little sense when it comes to emotional investments. You can only really know without-a-doubt where you are and how you feel today, in the present moment after much self-reflection.

Darling Lisette, Boys and Girls, being in a place where you are wrestling with a decision based on the possibility that you will miss out on something that has yet to be, is a good indication that change is imminent in one form or another. How you choose to conduct yourself in regards to your personal behavior is as important as the actual decision itself. Maybe more so. There is no need to know all the answers before you proceed and that's a good thing-since you can never have the whole enchilada anyway. Let the events unfold like peeling layers of an onion as you gently find your way toward resolution. Remember that with change always come strong feelings that, although uncomfortable, you are better off really experiencing – instead of chilling them or hiding under packaging so as not to feel them deeply and fearfully avoid the inevitable tears. Food for thought?

There are countless decisions that can be rescinded upon reflection and review and there is nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake. In the course of searching for something better-we try on clothes, relationships and governments-to see if they fit. Sometimes change works and sometimes it doesn't. Rarely does the glass slipper fit the first time.
Have a naughty day!

Looking and the 20 second rule

Dear Miss Kitty,
My girlfriend says it is really rude that I look at other women. She says that I am being disrespectful of her. I told her I love her and guys just look at attractive women. That is how it is, it has always been that way and basically we can't help it. She reads your column so could you tell her that it is normal and not to worry about it. Thanks.
Jeff, SANTA BARBARA


Dear Jeff,
Of course I will tell her that a man looking at women is normal and that you “just can't help it”. Are there any other things that you would like me to lie to her about while I’m at it? Since I already feel the flames of hell licking at my high heels for pretending to defend you, shall I also tell her that you are the man of her dreams and she should bow, scrape and be eternally grateful for having such a highly educated man in her life? By the way Jeff, since we have left planet earth and are entirely in the realm of fantasy, let me enlighten you on a few of the myths that thrive in the manure-laden pastures of common thought…

It is a universally held belief that boys will be boys and look at girls. When boys are boys and not attached men, they can respectfully check out the opposite sex. So can girls. Oh my goodness Jeff - did you just drop your Corona? With a sterile goat as my witness, know and believe this: Girls look, leer and lust as much as boys do! Girls however, tend to do it with a bit more finesse. With adroit cleverness they gaze upon many a handsome creature - however the man-cake on display never feels anything, since she is subtle. Hello! Subtle! On the other hand, boys (and men that think like boys), rarely master the art of a simple look. It becomes an ogling, eye-popping, tongue-dragging foray into Estrogen Valley, where the natives are friendly - but don't take kindly to being objectified and sexualized. For damn good reasons women are always more than just a piece of ass - and if men had any sense they would grasp that and stop making excuses for immature behavior.

Does that mean that when in the company of a partner that we should exchange our Blackberry for a white cane and shuffle along the sidewalk, stooped over and head-hanging? Should we avert our eyes just in case we’re caught “not-looking?” Can we only notice naked models of perfection when they are Greek, made of stone and at least 2000 years old? Heavens no! As humans, part of our natural instinct is noticing what is attractive in our surroundings - be it human, excellent shoes, or the way the light looks on a fall afternoon. Looking briefly and nicely and then moving on is what is acceptable and normal when in a relationship. Drooling or pretending not to drool but needing a bib is not acceptable. Here is a good rule of thumb: Remember the 2 second rule when food is dropped to the floor? It applies here as well, two seconds to look and then let go of any further thoughts.

Speaking of thoughts, my guess is that if Jeff looks when with her, he looks even more without her. What do you think? So, without further adieu, the always-popular, never without interesting examples- sob story (please use whiny voice when reading) “I just can't help it.” Break out the violins baby, because this is the last time Jeff (or any male) will be able to, with a clear conscience, pull that number out of his faded 501's!

With the strength of the unenlightened masses backing up the premise that “thoughts” don't matter, it is easy to rationalize away any and all guilt that what we think doesn't affect anyone else - let alone our own minds and psyche. What he or she doesn't know won't hurt him or her? Maybe Martha Stewart came up with that when she was out of crepe paper, chicken wire and gumdrops.

Thoughts are the most powerful things on the entire planet. They are the beginning and the end of all we know. Nothing except a true natural disaster is born without thought. Not an invention, a Nation, and certainly not a relationship of any value. Before love is an action, it is a thought. Even a kiss starts as a thought. Can anyone really believe anything else? All images and thoughts that enter the mind stay there forever. Just because the recall is sketchy doesn't mean that it doesn't exist lounging around in the gray matter, capable of causing something related to manifest. Even the thoughts we think we have control of show up as dreams, life choices and personal torments that are anything but fun.

Darling Jeff, Boys and Girls, Thoughts have the ability to impact us in more ways then there are visions to contemplate. The quick little fantasy of the brunette at Starbucks this morning glistens in the brain, the way a wedding band shines in the sunlight. It only takes the right stimulation to evoke the fantasy - or what’s behind the sparkle. We are either free, and truly in control of our thoughts (which now we know are reality in the making) or we are eternally no more than lab rats, being pushed and pulled by whatever is dropped into our cage.
Have a naughty day!

A very complicated yes

Dear Miss Kitty,
Something really bad happened between my husband and myself. He is working though the addiction that messed us up, but as hard as I try to “get over it” I can't. I am not usually one to hold a grudge but I can't help but be very sad and mad that what we lost is gone forever. Is there anything I can do to move forward?
Katie, SANTA BARBARA


Dear Katie,
Aside from investing a large portion of your stock portfolio in tissues the answer is yes but a very complicated yes and truth be told, not easily accomplished. Not without a degree from the University of Radical Acceptance. Throughout our existence life makes available countless situations with no guarantees what-so-ever. We willing line up and sign up for most of them. Children are a phenomenal example of our willingness to traipse into regions unknown. Regardless of whether the pregnancy is planned or a bit like finding out that there are no fireworks on the 5th of July, one knows where the 9 months are headed. Large capital expenditures of very small outfits, more bears and bunnies than a ring toss stand at the fair and a waist line worthy of a NFL line backer are all on the horizon.

We also know that at some point pain, lots of it, will be a known quantity. There is no magic meter to know if labor will be a easy walk in the park or a 36 hours long-death-in-the-face event. And that is the easy part. Years of dedication, serious monetary expenditure and sleepless nights that never really end. There are no guarantees though any of it that the experience will be wonderful and yet, with the worlds population hovering around 6.788 billion, obviously there is something about all the unknowns that we are willing to accept. Is it because we think we have control or is hope truly eternal?

Whether a child is born with special needs or evolves into a grown person with special needs why is there a distinction in how we view just what is and what is not “special?” Is a person born with a handicap so different from one that evolves with a handicap? When interacting with others, it seems that there is much less tolerance for the later. Is it because a physical, mental or emotional difference is easier to live with when we perceive it as innocently incurred? If a grown person has not learned the basic rules of kindergarten, to be kind, caring and honest, because “special needs” were never addressed, should it be any different than the allowances made for someone who was born without the ability to see? Aren't all afflictions and addictions innocently acquired?

Our culture now finds it acceptable, even a standard, to give every kid a ribbon just for participation. Has trying become the the new winning? If we can value learning above winning in a child's world, why can we not do the same for an adult? In a perfect world, maybe we could but in the one that most of us occupy, “getting over” a major relationship issue is damn hard work. Could raising a relationship be even harder than raising a child? Could it be because we think we have control or is hope truly eternal?

Darling Katie, Boys and Girls, embracing a comprehensive undertaking of forgiveness or understanding is a worthy goal, but when the emotions of anger and sadness are in full force it is impossible to apply both the concentration and intellect necessary. So for now, just leave it alone and live your life as you see fit. When the anger and sadness begin to fade, you can address the bigger cosmic issues at leisure with detachment and clarity. As grown ups we KNOW there are no guarantee's in life, especially in relationships, but the loss of anything that is priceless is difficult, regardless of the rational reasons why it shouldn't be. It doesn't make it any easier that loss of every kind has a haunting quality that relentlessly permeates hidden corners of the mind. It is heart breaking to realize that no matter what someone does to make up for something the hard reality is, they can't. “It” has become part of life.

Living in the present is a worthy goal, but the past is there as part of our experience and is a valuable teacher so we don't repeat our mistakes. The past counts in equal measure to the present. Do the math for yourself. The past and present will always equal the future.
Have a naughty day!

When the negative is less than the positive

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I got into another disagreement, yet again. We go from things being really good to impossible to live with. When do you know it's time to just call it a day?
Michael, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Michael,
At times skiing blindfolded in the Sahara Desert while being chased by slobbering rabid wolves can be more comfortable than being involved in a relationship. With all the ups and downs that can be sometimes it feels like an insane journey without even a souvenir T- Shirt to show for all the hard work. Have we convinced ourselves as a society that a rocky road is not only an ice-cream but an acceptable way of living?

If one believes in the values that stand behind the concept of a relationship -when it is bad it can feel like we are forced to buy the ticket, forced to go on the ride and get no guarantee's that the ride will be a tremendous. I happen to know the camel whose back was broken by the straw. In fact during the interview the camel told me, it had nothing to do with straw. That was just spun for the benefit of the liberal media. The broken back was due to years of neglect, dirty hay and nothing to drink but scant amounts of tepid water.

If we could let go of the preconceived idea that the benefits of a relationship outweigh almost any negative that happens (especially the repetitive ones) there would be less hurt less often. It seems we are more comfortable with giving relationships chance after chance to the point of insanity then trying something different, often to the determent of all parties concerned. To accept and release what is not a constructive way of living can be the most rewarding choice after all.
The best way to not get sand kicked in your face is to look at the self since there is no way anyone changes anyone else. Not for better or worse. Whether the storm is blowing hot or cold, this can be a hard road and it is near to impossible to know if it will ever improve. The blessing in disguise is that during adversity we can get really strong and be able to see the truth of whom we are and what we want.
Darling Michael, Boys and Girls, it's really basic math. When the positive is less than the negative change becomes possible. Making a structure for ourselves and knowing we are just fine regardless of the leaving is what safeguards us from feeling like victims. When we can look deeply into our reality, as it is, not as we would like to be, we can see why we made the choices we did. That is the key in preventing patterns of discontent and a happily ever after.

Our lives are chapters in a book, scenes in a movie, and seasons within a year. Even the most defining edges, like death or divorce eventually become blurred as we move forth. Thus the imperative need to move continually forward even if it feels like all we are doing is crawling.
Have a naughty day!

The lure of zero-calorie cherry pie

Dear Miss Kitty,
I broke up with my girl friend a few months ago and I think I made a mistake. We broke up because she wanted to get more serious and I didn't. Now that she is gone, I realize how much she really means to me. I have tried to talk with her but she says she isn't interested and has moved on. How can I get her to know that I am ready to be serious and want to try again?
K.S. SANTA BARBARA


Dear K.S,
The lure of time travel is right up there with zero-calorie cherry pie and free private jets, and if there was ever a time when turning back the clock would be on par with cheesecake for breakfast, that time is now. The would have's and should have's that run rampant, like a crazy little monkey jumping to reach a just-out-of-reach banana, can turn our brains and our insides into mush.

When our brains and insides have turned to mush, not only are they of little use to us, they are of no use to the woman or man that has moved on. Too little to late has not only the ring of many a lyric, but the firm tones of done, finished and terminated. Does this mean within the finality of “moved on” she might change her mind? Could she possibly, after the burning pain of being dumped has worn off, be tempted to put her heart in the fire once again? Riddle me this Batman: If a person was too immature to realize the gem they had then (except for the loss of that stellar someone), what exactly has changed now? Why in the world would she want to change her mind?

It is common when the sheets have been changed to the color of lonely not to miss the sleepy Minx or Manx that used to recline upon them. All change is difficult and we as humans seem to have a huge reluctance to embrace it. Better the devil-we-know than the devil-we-don't is all but part of the National Anthem. So say can you see that by the dawns early light, in a month or two that perhaps the mistake you think you have made might just come down to accepting the transition of what has been put into motion - and that particular segment of your life is over?

Always one to entertain the least of all possible possibilities, lets say that a mistake was really a mistake. Always a favorite movie theme, that cubic zirconium that was right in your hand was really a diamond! In that case, you can just accept right now that working on yourself is all you can do. Skip the fancy bouquets and 2am texting - If she is a self-respecting person she is never going to believe anything except what she can see with her own eyes. She is also going to need her own sweet time in which to view the actions of this newly aware man - and on her terms if any.

Darling K.S, Boys and Girls, when in a relationship, avoiding critical mistakes is like knowing the owners of a Vegas casino. Lots of freebieswhen you honestly screw up. However, when one is rolling dice and doesn't know the pit boss, let alone the time of day, the odds of winning are only slightly better than finding that cherry pie with 0 calories.
Have a naughty day!

The obvious will make its presence known

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a guy a few weeks ago and we are spending quite a bit of time together. I am taking it easy and he seems like he’s rushing things a bit. Nothing that I can’t handle, but I wonder why? Most of my dating life, it has been the other way around. Do you think there is something weird going on? Should I ask him why he is so in to me?
K.K. Santa Barbara


Dear K.K,
Sweet white ducks gently paddling around on the calm surface of a pond can be weird if we want them to be. Swimming around in not so random patterns, we can wonder as to their methods and madness. When one after another decides to swiftly fly away we can wonder as to what made them leave in such a hurry? Do ducks really have to be anywhere?

Making sense of things - or trying to anyway - now supplants baseball as the great American pastime. There is always a friend, a chat line or a random stranger that will help us to peruse the peruse-able and just about anything can be put under a microscope for a closer look. Like a cat on the bed, looking at un-see-able specters, we force a desire to see what isn’t always there. Is this scrutiny really needed to allow our intuition to make a call? Could we let what we can’t understand remain just that: not explainable for now? Do we really need to pay Esmeralda forty bucks to know all and see all?

Projecting names and theories to what is new, difficult, or plain-old mysterious makes us feel safe. Information, even if it is incorrect, gives us a road map in which to make future steps. But how can the future, the definition of guesswork ever be 100% reliable? It can’t - and put those names and theory anywhere near a microscope and what emerges is usually just more questions, and opportunities for mis-steps to come.

Darling K.K. Boys and Girls, in the beginning of a relationship, all bets are off as to getting completely reliable information. The research in this department says that we live in a world where lies of limited consequence are as prevalent as thongs in a hooker’s drawer! There is just no point in asking too many questions since the obvious will eventually make its presence known – if you just let go and let it. You are already doing the best thing you can by taking it nice and slow. Think of romance like a crock-pot, in time it will either be nice and tender or food for Fido.
Have a naughty day!

Ya Think?

Dear Miss Kitty,
"Pitiful", cheating men, telling mates and being honest. Bolderdash. Cheating partners, one rule, only one!! Don’t get caught.
Signed,
Mr. Married Been at it 30 years



Dear Mr. Been at it,
You don’t just find Satan’s nectar available for such easy consumption every day of the week, let alone on this particular Friday. But, Boys and Girls how could there be anything sweeter than a man, this particular man, that sadly to say, needs a big glass of what most of us live on, integrity with or without ice?

Smarting inside from the guilty pleasures of the last 30 years, the desire to speak forth can only be summed up with a big thank you from this Kitty Cat! Gracias, for letting those that trespass on no-no territory in on what life looks like after 30 years of being a bad bad boy. Merci, for confirming without any shadows lurking in doubt, that living the straight and clean path is not only the right way, but the right of all men and women. And finally, Danke schön, for such a conscience lesson into the quandary of my latest favorite thought, does guilt actually have a purpose?

Just out of curiosity, is it possible to replace a fifty cent conscience with a two dollar one? Should one even try? Of course! Anyone that parts with such a precious monkey sticker to get a point across deserves my very best and besides poor baby, is obviously just a little bit riddled with guilt. As the great bard Shakespeare once wrote, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." In this case, the man but we get the picture….

Guilt, along with his brothers, shame and regret are our friends. Believe or not they share a very important purpose. In fact, they promise to faithfully show up whenever one is even thinking about signing up for a three year tour with Darth Vader. Their comforting presence can be felt when an action is only a whisper of a thought. Try thinking of them as Jiminy Cricket without a song but attitude to spare and they truly become our guardian angels.

However, if their quiet whispers of wisdom were not heard or heard but not obeyed, and dark deeds were done, they are now a serious force to be reckoned with. They can bring the mighty tumbling down and have the capability of making a grown man or woman cry like a little baby. They now have the power to un-do all that is good. And here’s the sobering truth, one day they will have their reckoning. They always do. So channeling Mr. S once again, "the evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones." Ya think?　

Darling Mr. Married, Boys and Girls, even if no one knows what we do, what we are is clear and present in our own mind. So I ask you, if today is your own personal day of reckoning, how do you stand with yourself? How would you like to stand?

Have a naughty day!

OMG and LOL

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a man a few months ago and we are dating. We are having a great time, however, we live in different cities and don’t see each other as often as we would like. He likes to text and sends me cryptic email. A few weeks ago, we got in an argument and I am sure it had more to do with the communication style he likes, than anything else. I don’t want to be old school, but this texting is awful and I really don’t want to do it. Do you think I am just being old-fashioned here?
Carol, Santa Barbara



Dear Carol,
Talk about lost in translation, no longer do we just keep up with the Jones, we keep up with enough information to make a 1950’s KGB agent want to defect for Club Med on a permanent basis. On the nightstand isn’t the complete works of anyone with a modicum of literary talent but our teckie toys, just in case an “important” email or text message arrives. Our religious devotion to these paragons of progress rivals that of 16th Century French Monks in solemn prayer over a batch of Benedictine!

Being part and parcel of the communication age isn’t doing anything but taking us further and further away from being the social animals we are. That is if we are going continue to evolve. My god, if it isn’t already hard enough to communicate with each other, our language has been slaughtered into OMG, WTF, and LMAO. Great, the original tribal Ugg, after years of evolution has now been reduced (or is back to) Ugg. How far haven’t we come?

Modern life is not really our life of complete choice because most of it is manufactured by others, perhaps more so than any other time in history. People whose job is to keep us glued to their world in their way. If we are conditioned to their world we are also programmed to use the products they sell. This is both a direct sell in the case of an iphone with iapps that somehow you must have, or any one of the millions of ads that stream into our lives every second, promising to make life better and better. It is no wonder that our collective patience has grown as thin as a Swedish pancake?

Darling Carol, Boys and Girls, did you know that Trichinoses is a nasty disease that folks used to get from eating pork? Apparently when an autopsy is performed, the brains of its victims will be perforated by worm holes made by the worm’s pursuit of its food. Are we putting holes into our relationships in the pursuit of “better” communication?

It doesn't have to be that way; some of us can manage to live without the bombardment of this endless invasion of our lives. We can with some effort shrug it away and use the TV, cell phones, Internet as much as we dictate in a way that is appropriate, without sacrificing what is real intimacy.

Try this for one weekend; no activity that involves any outside influence. That means no phones, no Internet and no TV. You might find that an old hobby that you had forgotten, a book that you have been meaning to read, a hike in the hills, or writing a letter (hello a letter!) to someone might be all you need to take back your life and have the time of your life.

Have a naughty day!

Intrusive Interludes

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife had a short “interlude” with another man. She swears it was the first and only time and regardless of what she did, I believe her and I still love her. The issue is that she has moved on from what happened but sometimes I find myself ruminating over the affair and getting angry all over again. I am trying to let it be done, but it isn’t easy. Any help in a good direction would be welcome.
BC, Santa Barbara




Dear BC,
It seems deception is the place that hurts the most for so many of us. It stings because it hits at the very place where commitment lives. Honesty. And since most people believe that honesty is the heart and soul of a relationship, anything that threatens that truth is destructive to the very bone.

When our life partner (read that 10 times to feel what those two words really mean) isn't honest with us, it brings so much into question. It is impossible not to revisit the life choices we could have made, the upbringing that taught us that honesty was the right and only path of a "good" person, and that there are partners out there that would never consider cheating in the first place.

Our past, present and future are rocked when a deception of such magnitude hits. Our own core values as well as our stability become anything but stable. In a place of such uncertainty, it no surprise that we can find ourselves long after the initial shake-up feeling tremors that bring us into upheaval again and again.

So how do you manage damage control for the sake of the relationship while at the same time healing the wreckage that lives within? How do you purge the past for the benefit of the present and future without bandaging wounds so well they never heal? It is a delicate operation that takes finesse - and believe it or not - trust.

It may sting all over again to think that putting ones’ faith in trust, of all things, is anything but a denial of the self and a set-up for a future disaster. This is defiantly a hard, even nasty concept to want to grasp. It can feel like exactly the wrong way to go, but it isn’t. Trust me. To sweeten the process, here is the sugar to help the medicine go down. I give you permission to be mad, be sad, be livid like you have never been before. The only rule, is that none of the venom or tears can be directed at the one caught with their pants down.

If the Billy Clinton in your life, has half a brain and decent values, they are more than well-aware of the ill-omened choices that they made. If they are being honest with themselves, they are in their own world of remorse and pain, and do not need you with GPS guidance showing them any more of the damaged and burnt landscape of a once happy terrain. At this point in their understanding of what transpired, they dearly need to be in the present in order not to sink into the murky bog of guilt and shame. That kind of self-hating quicksand will suck them down (and you with them) so there is never a chance of moving forward. The reality is that the more the stray cat has to help the house cat heal, the longer it takes for the stray cat to find home again.

Darling BC, and Boys and Girls: does it still feel like the bad one is getting it easy? The one that stole the cookies and ate them all up didn’t get punished? They didn’t even get fat? Sometimes it feels that way -so grab pen and paper and write out all the rotten things you want to say and no editing allowed. This menacing memoir is all about you. The pain, the anger, the Plan B to run away with a real Prince or Princess Charming! This is where the caustic, fed-up, and very angry little person inside can get even. It will feel really good. Not only will you have a draft for a hit movie, you might just feel cleansed enough to balance what is written about the awful past with what is happening right now – and that present might be pretty good.

If the remorse is genuine, there will be noticeable changes for the better. Letting that sink in is very difficult and yes, hard to trust - but if you do trust it to be real, it is a crucial building block for the future.

Have a naughty day!

Where Have all the Nice Girls Gone?

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am a 45 year old man, have been divorced for nearly two years, and have begun to date. Believe or not, I have very little experience dating and for the time being I just want some fun after being married to Satan for so many years. My problem is that in spite of my best efforts to be honest and clear that my intent is to have fun and keep it light, on numerous occasions after several dates (getting more physical) the women, who originally agreed to keeping it light are ready to slap a ring on my finger! Why do so many women throw the big change-up when I am initially honest about my intentions? If I am doing something wrong here, I would appreciate some advice. Thank you.
John H, Santa Barbara




Dear John:
If we are honest with ourselves regarding our intentions, when we want a burger and a chocolate shake, we feel good about it, even though we are consuming the caloric equivalent of week’s rations in space. If we really know we should have a salad with dressing on the side, but order the burger anyway, the lack of congruence can cause more than just a bad case of indigestion – it can cause us to end up dazed, confused and have a bad taste in our mouth.

Along with the tropical fruit flavored Tums we now consume by the truck load, we begin to dump the excess guilt onto anything and anyone we can find. “The day from hell made me go off my diet”; “I never got a chocolate shake when I was a kid”; “the waitress MADE me order it”. Yes, anything and everything except for looking at the fact - the basic ketchup-on-your-face truth: We tend to get exactly what we tell others we want, and when our order arrives wrong, the reality is that they are receiving an inaccurate message from us.

It may sound like truth to say that playing the field sounds like a healthy pursuit for a man recently removed from the purgatory of pitch fork central. If that is what was really desired, and shown through congruent actions and words, then that is precisely what would happen. The women dated would respond (either positively or negatively) to the clarified admonition that “lite” dating was on the menu. But if one is still sometimes existing in the deep, dark recesses of a personal past hell where issues are left unresolved, there’s not a snowball’s chance in August in Las Vegas (or anywhere else), that dating will be anything like heaven.

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but this Kitty is willing to go out on a limb and say that if so many women are ready, so fast, to put a picture of the happy couple on this year Christmas card, isn’t it possible that what is being given off isn’t James Bond on holiday? If it walks like a married man, and talks like a married man, it probably is a divorced man that is still acting like a married man. One that is giving off anything but a free-wheeling man-about-town! So, lets put the (shaken not stirred) martini down, retrieve a “JB” monogrammed index card from the well organized desk, and write out a helpful, always appropriate and copy written (pending) declaration of pre-whoopee activity that is wallet sized. In other words, even more comprehensive than a Donald Trump pre-nup - the official MK “No No No!” contract, to be read out loud while making direct eye contact with date, and while you are both still fully clothed:

“This contract, when hereby initiated before naughtiness, means even after naughtiness, there will be NO expectations of instant boyfriend. NO expectations of boyfriendesque communications. NO hidden agendas concerning anything to do with making a serious (heavy) relationship, such that would require weighting down contract-bearer with ball and chain.” (Make sure it is double spaced for clear and easy reading in case you’re still reading while trying to get your pants down fast!)

Which brings us to the last and not, as yet copy written part of the MK “No No No!” contract. Slow down. Really! Darling John, and Boys and Girls, no one wants it to be true, but we are animals. Maybe we are not Serengeti-ready or even Zoo-worthy, but we are heavily driven by chemical responses that we have little control over. Chemical response, as defined here, is not necessarily to be confused with the Bond-esque martini mentioned earlier. Chemical response is all those lovely hormones that like to kick in fast, once we have kicked off our shoes and kicked up our heels. Stay aware of this fact, and it will make sense to wait a few more dates than usual before setting the herd loose.

Honesty and communication of intent have a better chance of taking root early-on when both parties the take time to know them selves mentally before going on safari physically.

So now John; armed with the knowledge that what one gives off must be as true as what one wishes was perceived (and with the contract of the century as back-up) all I can say is…

Have a naughty day!

The Spanish Inquistion

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am dating a new man and want to ask him some personal questions. What questions are acceptable to ask without sounding rude? I have a history of being with the wrong kind of guy (for me) and I think if I take a more logical approach to dating I will do better. Not only that, but a few things about him are just not adding up right. On the other hand I could be totally in left field and I don’t want this guy to get the wrong idea about why I am asking these questions and be turned off. Help?
S.K, SANTA BARBARA




Dear S.K.,
If fireworks lit up the night sky with brilliant color and no noise, we would notice. If we saw sushi placed on red hot coals, we would notice. If we went to the beach and green grass had replaced all the sand, we would notice. Not only would we notice, we would have questions - and lots of them. So why is it, when we are getting to know a new someone, are we shy about getting some answers? Why is the act of acquiring knowledge via questioning perceived as rude? Should we really accept everyone until proven otherwise? When it comes to digging in deeper, it is the wise that bring a sturdy and reliable shovel!

It is no lie that early on in any relationship; everyone is on their best behavior. Like little kids at a dinner party for grown-ups, keeping quiet and being “good”, gets you an invite for the next time. Not to mention extra cherries in your Shirley Temple! But as the party winds down, and children get tired “reality” gets the chance to show up and show off.

When dating someone new there is no reliable or known time frame for the authentic to manifest. As airy-fairy as it sounds, only time will tell. It takes the events that will eventually transpire within a relationship to know the true depth of another human being. Does this mean that up-front questions are out of order? Absolutely not, nor are they rude unless the subject in under harsh lighting, duck-taped to a chair and forbidden water for more than 24 hours. Does this mean, the truth will always be told? Absolutely not. It might also mean that the truth is not something that can be understood or perceived at this particular place in time.

For example: A man remodels his home and doesn’t install a kitchen. He doesn’t cook and brings home a couple of cokes with his take-out food every evening which works for him. He meets a woman and she does cook. He now installs a kitchen. She is thrilled. She never questioned him or herself because in the framework of the reality she was being shown, the house sans kitchen made sense.

Unless one has a reference point in their own experience file cabinet, another’s explanation might seem logical. It would take time to know that the real reason Mr. I-Don’t-Cook-Don’t-Need-a-Kitchen was because he was incapable of finishing anything he started. Could she have known that by simply asking questions? Not in the early days…not unless he was a person that was so secure in his own reality – and so knowledgeable of himself - that he would have told her the actual truth, not the one that she would accept as valid.

Darling SK, Boys and Girls, asking questions is always a good idea. They start a dialogue and assist in filtering out aspects that we need to know. They are not however a perfectly reliable oracle that will tell the future with certainty. The future is subject to change and what was yesterdays’ perception will no doubt alter without the scope of continued self-discovery, communication and congruence.

Have a naughty day!

Curious George and the Naughty Monkeys

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been married for 11 years. Other than the fact that we are friends and we are there for each other in most ways, it is fairly lackluster. I never thought a marriage could be much more so I was reasonably happy. Recently I have met a woman through a class at Adult Ed and we have so much more in common than my wife and I do. Is it terrible to realize this? Am I a rat bastard for even thinking about wanting something better for myself? As you write so much about honesty, am I being "honest" by staying with my wife or leaving her?
J, SANTA BARBARA





Dear J,
According to Wikipedia, curiosity is an emotion related to natural inquisitive behavior. Wikipedia also says that apes, cats, fish, reptiles, even insects have been observed exhibiting “curiosity”. In my observations of life and romance, creatures do not marry, but rat-bastards can and do. Rats, even when sparked into life by “someone” a bit sparkly do not get to throw another’s life into turmoil as easily as throwing a clay pot on a wheel at Adult Ed!

Honesty is being in-line with pre-set values that have been established after the somewhat laborious task of searching within the self to ascertain the highest level of integrity, i.e. the highest good is realized. Does this mean one is always honest as the day is long? Not necessarily. Sometimes the highest good is in being kind. For example telling a small child that they shouldn’t give up their day job in favor of making MORE painted rocks isn’t nice. It certainly could be true, but in the context of that little scenario, nice trumps truth.

Exploring and implementing values is a lot like playing cards. Depending on the hand dealt, one must wisely decide what to put into play in order to win. The definition of winning is leaving this planet better than you found it and leaving it better than the planet found you.

So, if compassion is the Queen of Hearts than Honesty is certainly the King of Diamonds. It takes quite a man or woman to balance what is honest and what is right. The sudden inspiration that someone else has better cards than we do or contemplating just what a stacked deck might look like can be intriguing. However, that intrigue is really a messenger for something bigger and much more important. A catalyst for change certainly, but not the whole card game. Not even the card table.

Darling J, Boys and Girls, once a commitment has been made, that particular commitment is written in stone. If one is not happy within the commitment, one needs to embrace what can be done to make it work. Making it work might mean moving on, changing what isn’t good into something that is or realizing and appreciating what is. In a nutshell, without doing a whole lot of work first, you would indeed be a rat-bastard.

Have a naughty day!

Message in a Bottle

Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiancé and I are getting married in two weeks and I am freaking out. A few nights ago he went to a bachelor party that his best man had arranged. They did the bar thing and apparently ended up at a party. The next day he had a text message and from the content it was obviously from a girl he had met at the party. I asked him about it and he said I had nothing to worry about. I AM worried. I am worried that he did something that he regrets and isn’t being truthful. If he did anything other than have drinks with his friends, I don’t want to marry him. What do I do now? He acts like nothing is wrong and I am about to make a huge commitment! Please answer this.
Anne, SANTA BARBARA




Dear Anne,
Many things in life are driven by faith. Faith in the unseen is paramount to our experience as a human-which is why we can marry in the first place. If we couldn’t believe in vows, there would be no point to committing to a marriage. We like to believe what we say and what we hear is written in stone. In a very uncertain existence the reliability of another human being smooths the inevitable rough spots and provides a necessary respite from all that we can not control.

When an event or a moment shakes that stability, it is like a stone breaking through a pristine window. Ever try to glue together a window broken? Crazy! It never looks right again and the only solution is getting a new window. However, relationships are not like windows. It is easy to get a new one, but the old one, the broken one is the one we want. When a relationship has broken glass around, be it a little crack or a giant gaping hole, no one is feeling sheltered and safe anymore.

All kinds of thoughts can rush in and make havoc of a once peaceful existence. So does knowing the truth really set you free? Do you already have the truth but still can’t believe it? If he isn’t telling you the whole story, is the deceit to protect you or to protect him? They say that love is blind, and sometimes love is blind to doing the right thing.

Conjecture is not viable here and will only lead to your mind going in circles. Therefore, he needs to tell all -without any thought as to the consequences of his disclosure. You get to decide if “it is nothing to worry about” since there is more than one way to read truth into “nothing to worry about”. (Think Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky). What you hear- may or may not be within your comfort zone (read values) and that is all that really matters. Maybe he was 3 sheets to the wind and gave a girl his phone number in front of the guys as a joke. Not a good joke and immature, but probably within your comfort zone. Or he might have done something that definitely is a deal-breaker. Consequences for actions will always find a way to show up and it is better to work through this now while you can.

After listening with no interruptions, if what you hear sounds fine, but you still are worried check in with yourself. If previously, there has never been anything to question with this man, I would venture that his perceived action is just a trigger for something that is hidden in you. Definitely something to ponder, but it could wait until after the honeymoon.

Darling Anne, Boys and Girls, Trust is the rock on which relationships are built to last. Nothing else is as important. Therefore, putting any decision on hold is perfectly reasonable, even a wedding - especially a wedding!

Have a naughty day!

Getting There Faster by Slowing Down

Dear Miss Kitty,
I woke up before the dawn today, and was busy working on a problem at my computer. Suddenly I noticed that morning had come and it was light out. I wondered if life is a lot like that. You start life and without really noticing what is happening, around you things change, then, suddenly you realize that life is not the way it was. Like while working on the computer I did not notice the dawn. Maybe we go about our lives not taking the time to notice all the subtle but important changes in our surroundings. The big changes we notice, for sure, but when you add up the important changes those are not the big ones- they are the tiny ones, little day by day things, that really matter. Like a goodnight kiss.
Thanks for listening, Ron, SANTA BARBARA



Dear Ron,
Home is where the heart is, a man’s home is his castle and where would we be without home sweet home? Home, where we can let down our hair and unwind, is hopefully where we are our most unguarded and therefore real selves. So if our physical home - the structure made of wood, concrete or brick - is where we feel we can be our most authentic self, why is it that within this most safe of places, we are often still struggling to be truly authentic? If we are not able to notice the dawn, our beloved - or even ourselves – just where are we living?

Is our inner foundation as solid as the one we walk upon? Are the rooms within the mind clutter free? Is the internal house easily maintained or riddled with rats? When we clean up the chaos and scramble to put the hodgepodge of life’s lessons in place, are we doing it because company is on the way or to feel that we are truly in control? After all, appearances do matter and we are judged by what others see.

Within a relationship, would you let your partner see your inner “house”? If not in a relationship, are you ready for someone to see your “house” as it really is? Is the floor plan open and easy to navigate? Are there so many skeletons in your closets that at any moment an aged and cracked femur might slip out and trip someone? Do you have any monsters under your bed, ready to scare the daylights out of someone dear who comes across it?

How we construct, decorate and use our “home” tells us volumes about where we are as a person - and therefore what will be reflected back to us in our relationships. As Ron said above, it is about the little things. It is knowing that you can always find what you are looking for because you have made a place for each value that you hold dear. It means what you are being within your mind is the same as what you show to the rest of the world. Pure congruence and clean as a whistle, regardless of company present or a day spent solo.

As a bricks and mortar home needs maintenance to stay safe and secure, so does the internal mansion. It needs conscious adjustment from time to time and a focused peace in which to do so. Without the clutter that is so many people’s everyday mental minefield, there can be the ability to just sit and appreciate not only the dawn but all the things that become precious when given a bit of attention.

Darling Ron, Boys and Girls, be it dawn, dusk or the still of midnight; knowing that your inner house is in order (not just “company clean”) gives you the gift of being able to calmly notice the important things. That is what it takes - and nothing less. When the mind is full of confusion and debris there is nowhere to sit down, nowhere to walk, without tripping - and certainly it is no place for anyone special to be invited over to!

Does this mean that we are going for a Better Homes and Gardens showplace at all times? Never! It is expected that as we do our internal work there may be a big mess to deal with. Clinical order or the illusion of tidy does not mean “clean”. Like the mess that comes with cooking a great dinner for twelve, with patience, a really good mop, and good hard work, the kitchen floor can always be found.

Have a naughty day!

Here You Are - Where Am I?

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I have been together for many years. As much as I like our relationship I am becoming aware that I don’t really know myself anymore. I know what “we” like, but not me. How do I find me again without threatening my husband’s feelings?
BR, Santa Barbara



Dear BR,
Deep within the complex web that is a relationship it is easy to become lost. The self can fade away to the point where even others confuse whom they spoke with. As together as a “we” can be, the reality is that we are separate individuals. Our goals, dreams and morals, as similar as they may be to a partner’s, are ultimately ours alone. Time apart and personal differences are not only what we need, it is what we require to be together happily ever after.

So what do we do when a life changing moment or a radical realization within our relationship changes our sense of who we are or whom we are with? The gradual feeling that our identity has merged beyond recognition into an “us” instead of a “you and me” can feel like dancing solo in a ballroom filled with couples - and not knowing the steps.

Knowing how to follow the bread crumbs home again is crucial. The wise know that the easiest way back is when holding hands. The time to get closer is actually when one is feeling the most apart and lost. Although being close instinctively feels like one could lose even more of one’s sense of self - this is never the case. By being close and risking intimacy - which encourages all-important trust - we allow the mutual communication and support to assist us in finding the way to where our own choices and desires are clear.

Our identity is born with as many factors as there are influences around our cradle. When we are old enough to realize whom is around - and just as importantly - who isn’t, we begin to set the stones of who we will be. Later on, it’s the people we allow to share our bed that are our mirrors; sometimes as distorted as those in a fun house. Finally, it is the ones that stand around our grave that we have influenced.

It is nothing less than the hardest of jobs to figure out what makes us tick and then make sure we like the sound of it. It is difficult to travel within the subtle layers of pleasing one’s partner and pleasing the self, while at the same time making sure we live in congruence with our determined values. The definitions of “selfish” will become blurred, as we re-think what we need to feel content. For a while, it will feel uncomfortable to think of the self first. For a while it will seem unfamiliar and wrong – even painful. But because you are finding yourself again, within the arms of another, it will eventually become very right and appreciated by the both of you.

No one is more attractive and lovable than when they are filled with joy, purpose, and truly know whom they are.

Have a naughty day!

The Temple of Man Info

Dear Miss Kitty,
My man of choice has stopped treating me like he used to. This isn’t about less love, it is more about I miss is how it used to be. The little things like surprises and tokens of affection are pretty much non-existent. You know what I mean. How can I get him to understand how important this is for me without sounding like a nag?
Nancy, Santa Barbara




Dear Nancy,
Somewhere in a far off location, (which cannot be disclosed in order to protect your safety), deep inside a mountain, hidden by jungle vines is the holy shrine of Man- Info. This is where pilgrimages are taken unknown and unaware by unsuspecting wives and girlfriends. In this subterranean lair, the secrets of manhood are disclosed to the ready and willing. It is sacred temple where in the innermost realms the deepest, darkest and most profound information regarding women can be found.

Unfortunately for the last 100 years, (in spite of Google maps) the exact location has been lost and consequently most men have been a bit confused on the subtle art of woman-wooing. There are a few extremely smart men out there, that have taken it upon themselves, after deep meditative reflection (and a lot of trial and error) to nail the necessary - and are exempt from the following advice.

Except for those mentioned above (and you know who you are), grab a blue highlighter and get ready for some harsh, but true reality. Lesson number one: You may think that loving her is enough. It is not sad, but it is true that it alone isn’t enough. Love is the pinnacle of all greatness, but it takes a cat of another color to make SURE she feels loved, needed, and wanted as a woman.

As Robin would say, “Holy fickle feline Batman! Isn’t it enough that we participate in Valentines Day?” Although this is coming from a hyper little man in emerald green tights, one realizes that indeed, with the shrine all be forsaken, there is work to do. Are all women wired this way? Shouldn’t the fact a birthday is remembered, the trash is taken out and the toilet seat is left down be enough? I would love to say “hallelujah and pass the Chardonnay”, but alas it is not enough.

The worst part for you action-minded creatures is that there is no real rhyme or reason. This is not a problem to be solved- it is the way it is - and it will always be that way. Does this mean that you can schedule out a dozen roses for the next year to be delivered every Friday? Godiva chocolates next to her shampoo bottle in the shower every Tuesday? NO you can’t - because it isn’t about the stuff - it is about the fact that she has a tangible something to let her know, her beloved man was thinking about her. Putting “thinking” on a schedule will become routine and even perfect pink pansies will lose their passionate purpose.

Because there was more than a grain of truth in Robin’s exclamation, you must continue to be creative and try not to repeat the tokens of affection. Women are fickle creatures and there is no reason to deny it. I am sure, if we could look upon the ancient parchments within the Man-Info temple we would know the reason why but alas, we cannot. For a bit of sanity here, this is how the math works. Fabulous Male plus dating excitement equals feeling in love. Fabulous Male plus laundry and what’s for dinner equals feeling missing being in love. The missing feeling leads to other feelings that lead to other feelings. Now do you get it?

Darling Nancy, Boys and Girls, it is exhausting to struggle against what is nature and as hard as it is to accept it, some things are just the way they are. Understanding that there are differences in men and women and working not only within those differences but letting those differences stretch us is one of the lovely, although sometimes frustrating things about the differences. One more little note: it is a relationship- long endeavor, which must be constant but not predictable. Speaking of predictable, the rewards for getting this right are amazing - and anything but predictable.

Davey Crockett and Moving Boxes

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am thinking about moving, and although it isn’t completely because of a guy, he does have more than a little something to do with it. Put it this way, I wanted to anyway and meeting him helped me finally make up my mind. Do you see any potential problems with this if it doesn’t work out?
S.G,



Dear S.G,
There’s nothing quite like getting in touch with your inner Davey Crockett. Grabbing a couple of oars, a canoe and heading off down the river, with nothing in mind but a lazy day on the water. It’s a different story all together if the canoe has a 27 foot moving truck driving in parallel on the streams bank, the destination is known, and one is hoping for a friendly native.

The reasons for moving have to be reasons that stand alone and stand up for what you want your life to be, completely regardless of a relationship. Do people move to be with the one they love? Of course they do. Do people move to be with the one they like and wish that more would transpire? Of course they do. Do people move to stalk someone across the country that they have found on the internet? Of course they do.

Anyone can have apparently sound reasons for doing anything, and in the safe little world that is one’s own reality, it all makes sense. Anything can be rationalized. The point is our own reality has a population of one and always will. Doesn’t it make sense that more than a hope about a relationship should be the motivation for a major life change?

Oh, the kitty is jaded, but then again, jade is a jewel highly valued in the Orient for it’s propensity for bringing luck so it must be good. It’s not hard to convince ourselves of anything, if we paint a picture that looks pretty, even if there isn’t a speck of real to it.

People always tell or show the truth, in one way or another, if one is willing to hear or see it. That goes double for the “truths” we show and tell ourselves. Now is print, in clear black and white, this is what you wrote, “Do you see any potential problems with this if it doesn’t work out?” I don’t think, but you let me know, that you were talking about the move. The move has much more to do with the guy then you are admitting to yourself. If there was enough of a lure without him, that question would never have come up. There would be no question, just moving boxes and more moving boxes.

Perhaps, now is good time to grab a 10-foot white board, lots of color markers and make a good old fashioned pro’s and con’s list - all by yourself. You can erase to your hearts content until what you see, is what you will get. If you still like the picture, take the journey, but take it knowing the lay of the land, as it is, not what you hope it will be.

Darling S, Boys and Girls, Mr.Crockett is quoted as saying, “Be always sure you are right then go, ahead”. Miss Kitty is quoted as saying, “Make sure what is “right” is truly real for you, then go, ahead.”

Have a naughty day!

Checking In and Out

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend goes days without calling or contacting me. I don’t need to see him daily, but I think it is reasonable for him to want to check in and say hi. My girlfriends say he should and the fact that he doesn’t means he is trying to have power over me. My guy friends say it is no big deal and doesn’t mean anything.
Julie S, Santa Barbara



Dear Julie,
You, I, your girlfriends and boyfriends – let alone the readers of the Daily Sound - all know that you don’t just want just him to say “Hi”. In fact, I am so sure of it, we could all go to Vegas and put our combined net worth on Red #6, and take the house. Assuming we could dig ourselves out of a shallow communal grave, we could then brush off the sand and have a nice cup of tea to get to the gist of your real concern: Is he as interested in you as you are in him?

We all have different levels of interest and the missing of someone. Just ask Bryan Adams. Every time he thinks of you, he always catches his breath…that is a whole lot of intense, which sounds just a bit too compulsive and tiring to boot. But then everything he does, he does for you, so should heavy breathing really be ruled out? Speaking of rules, did you really say “check in”? I think you did - and that choice of words is very telling. Freudian slips are more than just a bit of lace on beige silk. They are the true telling of where one’s deep and dark reality is actually living. The calling card, if you will, of REALLY checking in!

So when is “checking in” sane and when it is “checking in” pushing someone else’s well defined boundaries? When is “checking in” a smoke screen for a whole lot of insecurity? 10 to 1 says Julie’s “girlfriends” think I am being mean and Julie’s “boyfriends” are in line to buy me a beer and discuss the remaining hockey season.

The truth is I don’t even like beer, but I do like reality and in this case, what the boys have to say is real. Anyway you slice it (I do like Pizza) they are right - it’s no big deal, and let me explain why. Just because he doesn’t want daily contact doesn’t imply anything is wrong with the relationship. Many a relationship is better served when the partners take time out to be apart. I don’t think anyone expected Michaelangelo to drop the Sistine Chapel project to grab a text message!

On the off chance that perhaps he isn’t as into her as she would like, time and only time will tell. Just the fact that they have a critical area of communication disagreement might be the line in the sand. But not because he is doing anything wrong. As far as the “power thing” fearful girls go to, if he really was trying to wield inappropriate power over you, it would be showing up not only in the lack of “checking in”, but in other ways as well. It is your job to become aware of these other ways – and to do something about them - like communicating openly your concerns.

Darling Julie, Boys and Girls, if time is the only thing we actually own, spending it on anything other than quality pursuits is a sad waste. Thinking about what someone is not doing - instead of what they are - and enjoying what life has to offer is not good. In fact, that’s a dangerous pattern, which has more to do with not believing in thy self worth more than anything else.

I would advise to fill your time with things that make you happy and feel good, and don’t revolve around anyone else. Even though (as a side benefit) your attractiveness factor shoots way up with this little gem, you are doing it for better reasons than that. And that is something we can all agree on.

Have a naughty day!

Limits with Mr. Lincoln

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been married for six years and it isn’t what I thought it would be. As some background, we never had a super exciting time together, but it was good and we were very compatible. He proposed after 4 years of being together and we got married. Now, I am not happy most of the time and my husband doesn’t seem particularly thrilled either. Looking back, I don’t think we should have gotten married after all. Is this enough reason to get a divorce?
Sabra, Santa Barbara



Dear Sabra,
Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865) was the 16th President of the United States. He successfully led the country through its greatest internal crisis, the American Civil War, preserving the Union and ending slavery. There are obviously volumes more of information but considering this is a romance advice column and not “profiles in history”; we’re going to call it a day on Mr. L. That being said, there is a darn good reason (besides the fact that MK has a serious thing for the man) that he is being mentioned today. We now know just about as much as we ever will about Mr. Lincoln and no matter how much we revisit his history, it cannot be changed. Encased in permanence, history – what was - sits constant and safe for all eternity.

So is there any value in looking backwards in order to move forward? Do we really need to connect the dots to make a picture make sense? Could we just let the present be enough information to get us to a better place? The fact that true history is written in stone is part and parcel of why its value to us is so great, along with that fact that our perspective on the past does not remain stagnant.

History is extremely useful to us, because when it is revisited regarding relationships we are able to see patterns and although we cannot retroactively change anything, history will always repeat itself. The knowledge of this fact is crucial, because it gives us a unique opportunity: to do something different.

That is not exactly changing history, but if the same dynamic continues over and over again, and we have the clarity to recognize that repetition, it means we are able to react and change a particular moment – what is. Doing this, we have the power to change our destiny.

Darling Sabra, Boys and Girls, the motivation to do or not to do something - especially as drastic as changing marital status - is equal to the lack of fulfillment that is possible in the human experience. Mr. L’s ghost is letting me know that I should say what I need to say more simply. Alright then, if it has never worked as one would have liked, then break it all the way down and fix it so it does. That might just mean building a whole new life.

Is there a “possibility” that marriage with this person “could” improve - a rationalization to avoid the ultimate final solution? NO. History in it’s clean, precise and repetitive language has already proven that and given the opportunity, history will prove it over and over again.

Have a naughty day!

Hidden Baskets

Dear Miss Kitty,
Someone once told me I was incapable of sustaining a romantic relationship. Once again, I am wondering if that just might be true after all since I can’t sustain the feeling of being in love. It is a terrible thought for me to consider, but is it possible that long term relationships just don’t work for some people? If so, what can I do to change this?
Anne, Santa Barbara




Dear Anne,
Another naive Spring is here in its infant- like manifestations. Green sprouts and pastel buds proudly burst forth as if they are the first plants ever to grace the earth. The sounds of fresh chirping and gusts of sweetly scented wind waft across the face and the memories of seasons past. The deep seeded and core belief that fresh and new is both eternally exciting with an enchantment all its own, is present in every sight and sound.

Like children looking for elusive chocolate rabbits, we are willing to search, at all costs, for what we know will be sweet and satisfying. With no time to waste, tearing off thin and glittery pink and green foil to indulge in a frenzy of unabashed indulgence is new romance. Putting aside, all that is reality, for the chance to live in a full and very content world.

We then sit with our baskets brimming over with tempting treats. Gazing upon our new found indulgences and sharing the prize with special friends, we relish the telling of our story. The miraculous adventure we had while hunting this treasure trove of delights. The heightened sense of accomplishment if one was particularly difficult to reach or hidden away from everyone else.

Then, it is all over. The pink grass becomes plastic shreds that are difficult to dispose of. The fantastic chocolate bunny is nothing now but a left over bit of tail. Long live Memorial Day Weekend! The truth of the matter is that newness is gone as fast as it comes and no one is on a honeymoon every day, regardless of what the story books say.

Real life with all its broken eggs and one handled baskets is most of what we live, most of the time. Out of 365 days a year, 13 days are recognized American holidays. 13 days out of 365…Does that ratio mean there is anything wrong with life? Are there not plenty of days in between the turkey and the red roses, the scary faces and the flag flying that count as worthwhile? It is the same within a long standing relationship. What is precious is sometimes hard to see when it is not spelled out in red letters or exploited by Hallmark. But it is there.

Darling Anne Boys and Girls, it is easy to feel in love when feeling in love is all that one is doing. It is hard to sustain a feeling that is based largely on newness and a whole bunch of chemicals (the legal kind that course though infatuated flesh). Sustaining a long term relationship is a lot like hunting candy at Easter. One must diligently believe that where and when one least expects it there are signs of love. And like the very best kind of chocolate bunnies, the signs will be solid, never hollow.

Have a naughty Easter!

Gone Fishing

Dear Miss Kitty,
The other day my BF said he would take my car and get it serviced for me. He didn’t do it and I was angry with him. Then I thought about all the really nice things he does for me and I felt guilty. I feel like if he said he would do the car and didn’t (he was fishing) I had a right to be angry with him. Didn’t I?
Candice, Santa Barbara




Dear Candice,
Like the ill- mannered relative that no one wants to invite to family functions or the embarrassingly and LOUD and complaining person next to you in a movie theatre, anger is perhaps the least understood of emotions. To show anger can make one vulnerable in a way that sadness, joy and even love have never endured.

If love is delightful rituals accompanied by strawberries and cream, champagne and all things pretty, anger seems to only beget more anger, sadness or a big fat bouquet of resentment. Nothing pretty about that! So why is it, especially within the confounds of even the most confident of relationships, that showing anger tips us into such uncomfortable realms?

Are we not allowed to express anger unless the slate is cleared off of all debris and therefore potential retribution is unlikely? Must we do a very fast mental check to insure we are “justifiably” angry and therefore justified in a bit of eye- ball rolling?

The evolved thinking man or woman is stuck in the mud without a clean exit when anger puts its dirty little paws upon a situation. It can be difficult enough to express anger and do so in an emotionally consciousness way-let alone feeling enough guilt to fill a pot with 100 chickens simmering away as soup.

A big part of the process is learning that to be angry is very acceptable. It is after all part of being human. The bigger human understands that moderating anger, by choice of words, are what allows us to express anger without sacrificing compassion. For those who are very uncomfortable with the whole ‘A” word, either by upbringing or personal experiences, not needing to rationalize anger is the first step to a healthy tantrum.

Case in point, Miss Candice doesn’t need to balance the fish scales here. Mr. BF may be a wonderful guy, but on this occasion he let the big one get away. Speaking of fish, which makes me think of dinner and portion control (evil concept), controlling the portion of anger metted out is crucial to the end result.

Darling Candice, Boys and Girls, along the savvy lines of not killing the messenger, it is possible, even though steamed like a clam, to get more information before losing your ceviche like cool. If what you hear or see doesn’t make the grade in your eyes then perhaps anger is your new best friend. Available in a moments notice and equally happy to take a back seat when not needed. And speaking of back-seats, making up is very important. Get your mind out of the gutter, this is about re- connecting, not the dots, but back to the reason you are together in the first place.

Have a naughty day!

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I get into little fights and usually I say I'm sorry and we make up. Sometimes he is sorry but doesn't say anything but brings me flowers. I really would like him to say to me he’s sorry. When I mention this to him he says it's what you do - not what you say - that matters. I think that sometimes it needs the words too. Is it OK to ask him to actually say he is sorry?
Becky C, Santa Barbara



Dear Becky,
We know that water is wet, doughnuts have too many calories, and black silk is always sexy, but when it comes to relationships, does something have to be wrong before we can get it right? Does conflict have to be the driving force behind being true to our values? Do we have to compare and contrast behaviors to feel justification in our personal morals and ethics?

We tread the path of least resistance uneasily. It can be tiring, brutal and sometimes even soul-destroying to get what we think we need from someone else. So is it really worth it? Should we learn perfect compassion or would that make us a cross between the Dalai Lama and a Bozo the Clown punching toy?

So the question is really: for an apology to be valid, must it be in a form that the injured party deems acceptable? If our belief system feels that “sorry” must be verbalized in words - then so be it. Just as love can only be in a form that is understood to be truly felt, apologies apparently reside in the same heart-shaped world.

I think the underlying issue is if there is truth behind the apology. That is ultimately what really matters isn’t it? Isn’t that what we are really after when we want a “sorry”? Part of accepting that an apology is real is when the doghouse-e understands and is willing to show remorse in a style that means something to the doghouse-er. The one that got done wrong wants it done right and that means, by his or her rules. The method used, be it flowers or cat box cleaning-becomes part of the actual apology.

Perhaps the real rub lies in the fact that we want-so desperately to believe that words equal truth. That humans are as truthful as they would appear, especially when living in a kennel of chaos. There is no industry standard for an apology. Therefore to forgive or not isn’t so much based on the apology, but within the conscience of the “injured” party.

Then again, many a man or woman has uttered a temporary heart felt “sorry” because their need for forgiveness was greater than the need for the apology. So perhaps, when the words - the right words - words that can be heard and felt as real are spoken, there is no need to wonder if they are genuine or not. That is where the beauty of stepping up to the plate and being a real deal man or a real deal women is worth the uncomfortable feeling of accepting we were wrong, doing the right thing, in a way it can be accepted.

Have a naughty day!

Men in Tights and Frozen Yogurt

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I have been married for a happy 15 years. Now she wants to make some changes in what has been the status quo. Some of the changes, I am not comfortable with. For the record, I am not a stick in the mud (she says I am), but I would be happier if things were the way they used to be. Is that so unreasonable?
Greg, Santa Barbara



Dear Greg,
Along with the resurrection of frozen yogurt it seems popular, even news worthy to redefine definitions. Now a little light bondage never hurt anyone, but when a country has laws to define what is and what is not humane, it doesn’t seem like there should be any way to wiggle out of that particular rope. Speaking of rope and wiggling, how can we tell which ropes can be tightened, knotted or given a whole lot of slack in a relationship?

How much reinventing can we do after we have pledged ourselves to another as we are? If a contract has been reached with the consideration agreed upon up front, is it correct to assume that the definitions that have been implied and implemented can’t be substituted or even canceled? If they are, where is the memo? And where is the lawyer?

William Shakespeare along with creating stupendously romantic plays and sonnets was never above inventing a word or two when the Elizabethan lexicon was lacking. Many a brand new word graced not just the stage and the men in tights, but found it’s way into the vocabulary we (some of us anyway) use today. Does this imply that when we find ourselves in the mode to create something new it is really because need is dictating the desire? Would we want something different if we had real satisfaction? Do you truly feel happy eating frozen yogurt when you really wanted a hot fudge sundae?

It is profundus obsequious (I made that up) to think that even our small decisions and changes don’t have the possibility of impacting another person. It is impossible for a couple to know everything that is going to show up in a marriage, but rolling-together with change is a must. Just for fun, try these questions together and see what happens:

Is the current division of household chores fair? Under what circumstances would not working be okay? If each of our families wants to include us in holiday celebrations this year how do we decided what we want to do? When in a true partnership everything is a joint decision. Even if an all time favorite luncheon item is no longer on the shopping list, all concerned parties need to be notified and consulted as to why!

If someone is planning on returning to school, wants a baby (or a puppy), or has a burning desire to go to Oregon and live in a small cabin, you are way past the memo stage. Darling Greg, Boys and Girls, sad but true, you have been lied too. Not all is fair in love and war. There are boundaries that may not be crossed no matter what. We as humans would never have come as far as we have if it wasn’t for empathy. A high degree of empathy is imperative for a great relationship. Open consulting with one and other is out of basic respect and the wisdom of knowing that a little pebble can make a very big wave.

Have a naughty day!