Dear MK,
My husband and I go on an annual fishing trip every spring. This year, I told him I don’t want to go. He says I am being selfish. So I ask you, am I being selfish when I have gone on this trip for the last 26 years? He says (but not true) this is the only thing he ever asks for and I should go. Even though you are probably laughing if you think I am being selfish write and tell me.
Karen T, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Karen,
There is an ancient and highly arcane set of rules for advice columnist that says, under penalty of public stoning, we may not interfere between husbands and wives. Directly that is. This code is sacrosanct unless bribes are delivered in the form of custard donuts under cloak of darkness. So, being that not even the sugar twisted kind arrived with your mail, I am honor-bound to stay well within the bounds of non-interference - within reason. As usual my method is to shed a light on the not-so-obvious and let you be the judge of your own conscience.
The word selfish comes to us from an antiquated fable passed down from God knows when. When once upon a time there was a village of fisherman (isn’t that a coincidence!) that not only watched each other’s fish, they watched each other’s backs. Each fisherman set out in the early hours of dawn, alone, and fished the endless sea until nightfall when he returned home. Then each hunter of the deep would cast all of his catch into a great big basket and the entire village would choose from the abundant plenty or the pitiful lack, depending on the day. No matter what, everyone always had something to eat.
One day, as Herman (one of the fisherman) sat in his boat, pulling in a great catch he decided he wouldn’t go back to the village that night. Instead he would take his haul to another village up the coast and sell it. Herman sold all but a single fish and then later that night, after lying that he became lost in the fog, threw the one fish into the basket. It was the only fish that night.
For the first time ever, the village went to bed hungry and Herman went to bed rich and feeling bad about himself. Early the next morning while the fishermen were out at sea, a traveler entered the village. He was still raving about the amazing feast that was had just a few miles up the coast - just last night. One of the wise women of the village gently asked the traveler a few but crucial questions.
That evening, as the boats came in from the sea, whispers were heard. Children told children. Wives told husbands and the story was told. He sells fish. Nothing more needed to be said. Nothing more ever was.
Darling Karen, Boys and Girls, besides learning the origin of the word selfish, the moral is loud and clear. Without a conversation changing a long awaited and anticipated adventure could feel like a sell fish, or as it has come down to us through the ages, a selfish gesture. There is a great, albeit unspoken delight and security in what are our family rituals. That being said, the individual has rights beyond the family expectations. As long as the change in plans is discussed and your desire to skip the tedious trawling is more than reasonable. 26 years of bait and tackle may just have earned you a rest up the lazy river. When sole (sorry, couldn’t resist) searching if the motive to not go is really simple, than all is well and maybe next year. On the other hand, if not wanting to go is really payback for Hubbie’s lack of interest in your interests….well that is altogether another column for another day.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, January 29, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Worth the Risk
Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a woman whose company I really enjoy. I would like to know her intention regarding a possible intimate relationship, but don’t want to scare her off. On the other hand, I would be perfectly content just being friends. I like to be upfront - so should I say something and if so, when would be a good time? Or should I just leave it alone?
S. L, GOLETA
Dear S,
When humans discovered fire, they no doubt experienced all the characteristics of fire within a very short time frame: bright, warm, hot, very hot, combustion and ouch. They quickly learned fires nature was both warm and soothing along with dangerous and deadly. Fire, handled without care, can really hurt, even accidentally. Apparently not much has changed in the last million years since we still have not learned to judge heat without taking a risk. So how fast can you turn temperate to scorching without getting singed? Should a potential lover be put on the back burner, just in case the friendship melts in the heat of the moment? Is it worth the risk of losing a cool friend to look for a hot lover?
Cultivating a friendship with someone who under some circumstances might become an intimate relationship can be tricky. The potential interest might have all the possible attributes to be an exciting and interesting friend but could also have the desired components of a splendid lover. The hard reality is that often you can't have both at the same time, so in a situation where the possibility is merging with the potential, at what point can you take Que Sara Sara to the bank? Because we all know, if there is too much heat before establishing the friendship, the friendship will flicker and extinguish itself. Poof!
History is a constant reminder that it really has all been done before. And that is a good thing because we can lean from the past to prop up our present when we need it. Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC) wrote on the aspect of Friendship: "We put the cart before the horse, and shut the stable door when the steed is stolen, in defiance of the old proverb." In other words, “The order in which we choose to structure a relationship is a huge component in the eventual desired outcome”. Miss Kitty (1963 AD - ). Nothing is as random as it seems - especially when it comes to relationships.
Therefore a conversation, a gentle one, without expectations is definitely in order. A heads up here for the “what’s on the lung is on the tongue” folks - there is no need to mention marriage and or other living arrangements, even if such fantasies are whirling through your head. That is just too much information for the present and will scare most people off. The main purpose in testing the waters at this point is that waiting too long for some splendor in the grass, and the Potential Princess or Prince Charming might become confused and seek romantic solace elsewhere. What a conundrum, since if one allows the friendship to take as much time as it takes to mature and spark serious meaning, a friendship might be all that smolders.
Not that there is anything amiss with a having a good platonic friend. A great friendship is far more complex than a tumble that goes nowhere. It takes common interests, common or compatible beliefs, and real in depth appreciation of the friends life style, and the mutual ability to let small differences not get in the way of the friendship. In fact, that last little gem is actually one of the secrets of a long-burning and lusty love.
Contrary to popular belief, we have grown beyond some of the differences between the sexes. The ideas that men want sex in order to become "friends" and women want to be a friend first then sex later are passé. Once upon a time this idea had deep roots in our human development. But if we can pretend that Tofu can taste like chicken, we can purport that the rules of engagement have been evened out in the last 30 or so years.
Darling S, Boys and Girls, like spontaneous combustion, it can take only a quick moment to find a great lover - but it can take a lifetime to find a great friend. It is easy to confuse the two as often we see in one what we want for the other. That being said, a good friend usually can hear and see with a clarity that a love-only interest can’t even begin to. Therefore, it is worth the risk to venture forth with a kiss on your mind and honest words on your tongue. Not the other way around!
Have a naughty day!
I met a woman whose company I really enjoy. I would like to know her intention regarding a possible intimate relationship, but don’t want to scare her off. On the other hand, I would be perfectly content just being friends. I like to be upfront - so should I say something and if so, when would be a good time? Or should I just leave it alone?
S. L, GOLETA
Dear S,
When humans discovered fire, they no doubt experienced all the characteristics of fire within a very short time frame: bright, warm, hot, very hot, combustion and ouch. They quickly learned fires nature was both warm and soothing along with dangerous and deadly. Fire, handled without care, can really hurt, even accidentally. Apparently not much has changed in the last million years since we still have not learned to judge heat without taking a risk. So how fast can you turn temperate to scorching without getting singed? Should a potential lover be put on the back burner, just in case the friendship melts in the heat of the moment? Is it worth the risk of losing a cool friend to look for a hot lover?
Cultivating a friendship with someone who under some circumstances might become an intimate relationship can be tricky. The potential interest might have all the possible attributes to be an exciting and interesting friend but could also have the desired components of a splendid lover. The hard reality is that often you can't have both at the same time, so in a situation where the possibility is merging with the potential, at what point can you take Que Sara Sara to the bank? Because we all know, if there is too much heat before establishing the friendship, the friendship will flicker and extinguish itself. Poof!
History is a constant reminder that it really has all been done before. And that is a good thing because we can lean from the past to prop up our present when we need it. Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC) wrote on the aspect of Friendship: "We put the cart before the horse, and shut the stable door when the steed is stolen, in defiance of the old proverb." In other words, “The order in which we choose to structure a relationship is a huge component in the eventual desired outcome”. Miss Kitty (1963 AD - ). Nothing is as random as it seems - especially when it comes to relationships.
Therefore a conversation, a gentle one, without expectations is definitely in order. A heads up here for the “what’s on the lung is on the tongue” folks - there is no need to mention marriage and or other living arrangements, even if such fantasies are whirling through your head. That is just too much information for the present and will scare most people off. The main purpose in testing the waters at this point is that waiting too long for some splendor in the grass, and the Potential Princess or Prince Charming might become confused and seek romantic solace elsewhere. What a conundrum, since if one allows the friendship to take as much time as it takes to mature and spark serious meaning, a friendship might be all that smolders.
Not that there is anything amiss with a having a good platonic friend. A great friendship is far more complex than a tumble that goes nowhere. It takes common interests, common or compatible beliefs, and real in depth appreciation of the friends life style, and the mutual ability to let small differences not get in the way of the friendship. In fact, that last little gem is actually one of the secrets of a long-burning and lusty love.
Contrary to popular belief, we have grown beyond some of the differences between the sexes. The ideas that men want sex in order to become "friends" and women want to be a friend first then sex later are passé. Once upon a time this idea had deep roots in our human development. But if we can pretend that Tofu can taste like chicken, we can purport that the rules of engagement have been evened out in the last 30 or so years.
Darling S, Boys and Girls, like spontaneous combustion, it can take only a quick moment to find a great lover - but it can take a lifetime to find a great friend. It is easy to confuse the two as often we see in one what we want for the other. That being said, a good friend usually can hear and see with a clarity that a love-only interest can’t even begin to. Therefore, it is worth the risk to venture forth with a kiss on your mind and honest words on your tongue. Not the other way around!
Have a naughty day!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Dating Later in Life
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been unable to find anyone who I'd like to have around me for long. It seems like everyone has so much going on already, they don’t want to make the time – the quiet time to really get to know someone. I haven't given up, but as time goes on I am getting less optimistic of finding anyone to love again. I am widowed and maybe I just need to accept that I was lucky enough to find love once and be grateful for that. Maybe the youthful feelings of love unfortunately belong to the young and that's how it is. Do you think mating for old folks is an unnatural act as there is no real purpose from an evolutionary position?? Not to mention, there are complications that were never an issue 50 years ago! Like kids, grandkids, 2 homes and so much stuff! I bet you know a lot of interesting women. Any chance you know an interesting women, 65 and older that is willing to make time to have a relationship?
D.S, Santa Barbara
Dear D,
After a relationship ends (for any reason), the parts that we didn't enjoy (for any reason) become aspects that we now fiercely protect. If a romance made it to an anniversary of consequence - something of very serious value - compromise had to be the foundation it was built upon. After a lifetime of making choices to please or to make living livable, the structure that is now self-imposed can be to our determent. As crucial as boundaries are to keeping the self on a healthy track, too many rules and requirements limit finding love, at all ages.
When people are young, they are willing to try and keep trying. Be it naiveté, hope or a short attention span, they have greater flexibility in what they want, need and are willing to experience. There is less baggage to deal with since the young haven’t had time to accumulate all the things that stick to us as we travel through life.
There are going to be issues that confront someone dating later in life, which are different from the dating contrempts of the early years. As one gets older the hormones that control the lusty side of our love life diminish and with it a lot of the drive that pushes even unsatisfactory souls together. Since that force (regardless of Viagra) is not what it once was, what is left is the strong feelings that make us not want to be alone. The feeling of being wanted, of being cherished and most of all a feeling of being of value to someone in this life. This is not a curse but an incredible blessing. Without the hormone mafia calling the shots, one can want to be with someone just because it feels great to do so, and not because Vinnie Testosterone makes us an offer we can’t refuse.
Wanting to be with someone without the sexual aspect being paramount, opens up wonderful aspects that could never happen when one is chasing or being chased based on lust alone. When a relationship can reconcile the physical to a lesser level of importance, the choice of partners can be far clearer than most people ever experience. At any time, if one can think with a healthy self and the emotions to match, instead of being swept up and into make-believe-romance-based-on-lust-ville one can save a whole lot of heartache and wasted time. How refreshing to be able to feel for someone without being worked like a human chemistry set.
Darling D, Boys and Girls, when we are older we look for experience to keep us safer, but at the expense of possibilities. If two people are both very locked into protecting the way in which they want to live their life because that way has been denied, it is likely that protecting their individualism has become of more value than the compromising that is a relationship. All the stuff that a fully lived life acquires - like children, grandchildren, property and enough furniture to decorate a hotel - are excuses. Everything can be worked out and organized - and besides, it is easier to put things away with four hands.
Have a naughty day!
I have been unable to find anyone who I'd like to have around me for long. It seems like everyone has so much going on already, they don’t want to make the time – the quiet time to really get to know someone. I haven't given up, but as time goes on I am getting less optimistic of finding anyone to love again. I am widowed and maybe I just need to accept that I was lucky enough to find love once and be grateful for that. Maybe the youthful feelings of love unfortunately belong to the young and that's how it is. Do you think mating for old folks is an unnatural act as there is no real purpose from an evolutionary position?? Not to mention, there are complications that were never an issue 50 years ago! Like kids, grandkids, 2 homes and so much stuff! I bet you know a lot of interesting women. Any chance you know an interesting women, 65 and older that is willing to make time to have a relationship?
D.S, Santa Barbara
Dear D,
After a relationship ends (for any reason), the parts that we didn't enjoy (for any reason) become aspects that we now fiercely protect. If a romance made it to an anniversary of consequence - something of very serious value - compromise had to be the foundation it was built upon. After a lifetime of making choices to please or to make living livable, the structure that is now self-imposed can be to our determent. As crucial as boundaries are to keeping the self on a healthy track, too many rules and requirements limit finding love, at all ages.
When people are young, they are willing to try and keep trying. Be it naiveté, hope or a short attention span, they have greater flexibility in what they want, need and are willing to experience. There is less baggage to deal with since the young haven’t had time to accumulate all the things that stick to us as we travel through life.
There are going to be issues that confront someone dating later in life, which are different from the dating contrempts of the early years. As one gets older the hormones that control the lusty side of our love life diminish and with it a lot of the drive that pushes even unsatisfactory souls together. Since that force (regardless of Viagra) is not what it once was, what is left is the strong feelings that make us not want to be alone. The feeling of being wanted, of being cherished and most of all a feeling of being of value to someone in this life. This is not a curse but an incredible blessing. Without the hormone mafia calling the shots, one can want to be with someone just because it feels great to do so, and not because Vinnie Testosterone makes us an offer we can’t refuse.
Wanting to be with someone without the sexual aspect being paramount, opens up wonderful aspects that could never happen when one is chasing or being chased based on lust alone. When a relationship can reconcile the physical to a lesser level of importance, the choice of partners can be far clearer than most people ever experience. At any time, if one can think with a healthy self and the emotions to match, instead of being swept up and into make-believe-romance-based-on-lust-ville one can save a whole lot of heartache and wasted time. How refreshing to be able to feel for someone without being worked like a human chemistry set.
Darling D, Boys and Girls, when we are older we look for experience to keep us safer, but at the expense of possibilities. If two people are both very locked into protecting the way in which they want to live their life because that way has been denied, it is likely that protecting their individualism has become of more value than the compromising that is a relationship. All the stuff that a fully lived life acquires - like children, grandchildren, property and enough furniture to decorate a hotel - are excuses. Everything can be worked out and organized - and besides, it is easier to put things away with four hands.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, January 8, 2010
How long should I wait?
Dear Miss Kitty,
I recently broke up with my BF of 4 years and am ready to date. I have been advised that I should wait a while. So what is a reasonable time to wait and if I want to date now, why shouldn’t I?
Kelly B, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Kelly,
Like the IRS, dating has rules and yes, there are strict penalties for coloring out-side the lines. However, unlike dealing with the government, dating rules are set by the self and are subject to change without a congressional hearing and a 10,000 page document that no one will ever read. So why would someone decide to hold off on a nice cold glass of water after a long dry spell? Is there wisdom in just saying no? Is there something or nothing to the saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”?
A gentle but clarity filled audit of the past relationship is the first place to start. If one was the leaver, one is usually better equipped emotionally to date sooner than later. Reason being, that by the time one is ready to leave a relationship, the actual relationship has been long filed under finished. For a relationship to reach this status it means that a hearty portion of soul searching has been chewed over for quite some time and the enviable outcome has been well digested. It is rare that a decision to end a relationship of some length ever happens without considerable contemplation in the situation room, with or without a panel of “experts” throwing in their two cents.
Hopefully, during the internal process of processing just why a relationship is no longer serving its occupants, one takes much more than a moment to understand why the end is near. Leaving a relationship is not so much about the other person not taking care of our needs, but the recognition that our needs, once we have defined them, have no possibility of being met. It sounds like the same thing, but it isn’t. Chocolate and Strawberry are both ice cream, but they don’t taste the same do they?
Usually, someone is truly doing the best that they can in a relationship. The best for wherever it is they are in life’s game of live and learn. If they had the emotional ability to do any better, they would, since we all strive for happiness, contentment and peace.
So, if the leaver has done substantial work on the self and is ready in terms of knowing why they left, what they left for and are clear about what was learned from the experience, then bring on those reservations for two! That being said, there will be a lot of reservations of the worst kind if the leaver is trying to fix what was wrong in the last rodeo or is starving for love and or attention.
Darling Kelly, Boys and Girls, to be a desirable member of Club Date, one should have a minimum of relationship baggage and be fairly close to the plug and play ideal. Even over the best lasagna in the world, no one wants to hear about evil-man or women and the hell of the last 4 years.
Leaves need to take a lot of time before they venture forth. They must make sure they are whole, sound and feeling really good and not one bit fragile. Dating is not the time to play fake it until you make it. Being dumped doesn’t feel good, even if in the long run the benefit is like being released from a prison that looked like Disneyland in the 60’s.. Knowing the right time to date is very personal. Really ready to date feels like this: You feel very good about yourself, the past isn’t causing anything in the way of a deadly-strong emotional pull, and you feel excited to journey into the unknown, once again.
Have a naughty day!
I recently broke up with my BF of 4 years and am ready to date. I have been advised that I should wait a while. So what is a reasonable time to wait and if I want to date now, why shouldn’t I?
Kelly B, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Kelly,
Like the IRS, dating has rules and yes, there are strict penalties for coloring out-side the lines. However, unlike dealing with the government, dating rules are set by the self and are subject to change without a congressional hearing and a 10,000 page document that no one will ever read. So why would someone decide to hold off on a nice cold glass of water after a long dry spell? Is there wisdom in just saying no? Is there something or nothing to the saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”?
A gentle but clarity filled audit of the past relationship is the first place to start. If one was the leaver, one is usually better equipped emotionally to date sooner than later. Reason being, that by the time one is ready to leave a relationship, the actual relationship has been long filed under finished. For a relationship to reach this status it means that a hearty portion of soul searching has been chewed over for quite some time and the enviable outcome has been well digested. It is rare that a decision to end a relationship of some length ever happens without considerable contemplation in the situation room, with or without a panel of “experts” throwing in their two cents.
Hopefully, during the internal process of processing just why a relationship is no longer serving its occupants, one takes much more than a moment to understand why the end is near. Leaving a relationship is not so much about the other person not taking care of our needs, but the recognition that our needs, once we have defined them, have no possibility of being met. It sounds like the same thing, but it isn’t. Chocolate and Strawberry are both ice cream, but they don’t taste the same do they?
Usually, someone is truly doing the best that they can in a relationship. The best for wherever it is they are in life’s game of live and learn. If they had the emotional ability to do any better, they would, since we all strive for happiness, contentment and peace.
So, if the leaver has done substantial work on the self and is ready in terms of knowing why they left, what they left for and are clear about what was learned from the experience, then bring on those reservations for two! That being said, there will be a lot of reservations of the worst kind if the leaver is trying to fix what was wrong in the last rodeo or is starving for love and or attention.
Darling Kelly, Boys and Girls, to be a desirable member of Club Date, one should have a minimum of relationship baggage and be fairly close to the plug and play ideal. Even over the best lasagna in the world, no one wants to hear about evil-man or women and the hell of the last 4 years.
Leaves need to take a lot of time before they venture forth. They must make sure they are whole, sound and feeling really good and not one bit fragile. Dating is not the time to play fake it until you make it. Being dumped doesn’t feel good, even if in the long run the benefit is like being released from a prison that looked like Disneyland in the 60’s.. Knowing the right time to date is very personal. Really ready to date feels like this: You feel very good about yourself, the past isn’t causing anything in the way of a deadly-strong emotional pull, and you feel excited to journey into the unknown, once again.
Have a naughty day!
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