Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend goes days without calling or contacting me. I don’t need to see him daily, but I think it is reasonable for him to want to check in and say hi. My girlfriends say he should and the fact that he doesn’t means he is trying to have power over me. My guy friends say it is no big deal and doesn’t mean anything.
Julie S, Santa Barbara
Dear Julie,
You, I, your girlfriends and boyfriends – let alone the readers of the Daily Sound - all know that you don’t just want just him to say “Hi”. In fact, I am so sure of it, we could all go to Vegas and put our combined net worth on Red #6, and take the house. Assuming we could dig ourselves out of a shallow communal grave, we could then brush off the sand and have a nice cup of tea to get to the gist of your real concern: Is he as interested in you as you are in him?
We all have different levels of interest and the missing of someone. Just ask Bryan Adams. Every time he thinks of you, he always catches his breath…that is a whole lot of intense, which sounds just a bit too compulsive and tiring to boot. But then everything he does, he does for you, so should heavy breathing really be ruled out? Speaking of rules, did you really say “check in”? I think you did - and that choice of words is very telling. Freudian slips are more than just a bit of lace on beige silk. They are the true telling of where one’s deep and dark reality is actually living. The calling card, if you will, of REALLY checking in!
So when is “checking in” sane and when it is “checking in” pushing someone else’s well defined boundaries? When is “checking in” a smoke screen for a whole lot of insecurity? 10 to 1 says Julie’s “girlfriends” think I am being mean and Julie’s “boyfriends” are in line to buy me a beer and discuss the remaining hockey season.
The truth is I don’t even like beer, but I do like reality and in this case, what the boys have to say is real. Anyway you slice it (I do like Pizza) they are right - it’s no big deal, and let me explain why. Just because he doesn’t want daily contact doesn’t imply anything is wrong with the relationship. Many a relationship is better served when the partners take time out to be apart. I don’t think anyone expected Michaelangelo to drop the Sistine Chapel project to grab a text message!
On the off chance that perhaps he isn’t as into her as she would like, time and only time will tell. Just the fact that they have a critical area of communication disagreement might be the line in the sand. But not because he is doing anything wrong. As far as the “power thing” fearful girls go to, if he really was trying to wield inappropriate power over you, it would be showing up not only in the lack of “checking in”, but in other ways as well. It is your job to become aware of these other ways – and to do something about them - like communicating openly your concerns.
Darling Julie, Boys and Girls, if time is the only thing we actually own, spending it on anything other than quality pursuits is a sad waste. Thinking about what someone is not doing - instead of what they are - and enjoying what life has to offer is not good. In fact, that’s a dangerous pattern, which has more to do with not believing in thy self worth more than anything else.
I would advise to fill your time with things that make you happy and feel good, and don’t revolve around anyone else. Even though (as a side benefit) your attractiveness factor shoots way up with this little gem, you are doing it for better reasons than that. And that is something we can all agree on.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, April 24, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Limits with Mr. Lincoln
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been married for six years and it isn’t what I thought it would be. As some background, we never had a super exciting time together, but it was good and we were very compatible. He proposed after 4 years of being together and we got married. Now, I am not happy most of the time and my husband doesn’t seem particularly thrilled either. Looking back, I don’t think we should have gotten married after all. Is this enough reason to get a divorce?
Sabra, Santa Barbara
Dear Sabra,
Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865) was the 16th President of the United States. He successfully led the country through its greatest internal crisis, the American Civil War, preserving the Union and ending slavery. There are obviously volumes more of information but considering this is a romance advice column and not “profiles in history”; we’re going to call it a day on Mr. L. That being said, there is a darn good reason (besides the fact that MK has a serious thing for the man) that he is being mentioned today. We now know just about as much as we ever will about Mr. Lincoln and no matter how much we revisit his history, it cannot be changed. Encased in permanence, history – what was - sits constant and safe for all eternity.
So is there any value in looking backwards in order to move forward? Do we really need to connect the dots to make a picture make sense? Could we just let the present be enough information to get us to a better place? The fact that true history is written in stone is part and parcel of why its value to us is so great, along with that fact that our perspective on the past does not remain stagnant.
History is extremely useful to us, because when it is revisited regarding relationships we are able to see patterns and although we cannot retroactively change anything, history will always repeat itself. The knowledge of this fact is crucial, because it gives us a unique opportunity: to do something different.
That is not exactly changing history, but if the same dynamic continues over and over again, and we have the clarity to recognize that repetition, it means we are able to react and change a particular moment – what is. Doing this, we have the power to change our destiny.
Darling Sabra, Boys and Girls, the motivation to do or not to do something - especially as drastic as changing marital status - is equal to the lack of fulfillment that is possible in the human experience. Mr. L’s ghost is letting me know that I should say what I need to say more simply. Alright then, if it has never worked as one would have liked, then break it all the way down and fix it so it does. That might just mean building a whole new life.
Is there a “possibility” that marriage with this person “could” improve - a rationalization to avoid the ultimate final solution? NO. History in it’s clean, precise and repetitive language has already proven that and given the opportunity, history will prove it over and over again.
Have a naughty day!
I have been married for six years and it isn’t what I thought it would be. As some background, we never had a super exciting time together, but it was good and we were very compatible. He proposed after 4 years of being together and we got married. Now, I am not happy most of the time and my husband doesn’t seem particularly thrilled either. Looking back, I don’t think we should have gotten married after all. Is this enough reason to get a divorce?
Sabra, Santa Barbara
Dear Sabra,
Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865) was the 16th President of the United States. He successfully led the country through its greatest internal crisis, the American Civil War, preserving the Union and ending slavery. There are obviously volumes more of information but considering this is a romance advice column and not “profiles in history”; we’re going to call it a day on Mr. L. That being said, there is a darn good reason (besides the fact that MK has a serious thing for the man) that he is being mentioned today. We now know just about as much as we ever will about Mr. Lincoln and no matter how much we revisit his history, it cannot be changed. Encased in permanence, history – what was - sits constant and safe for all eternity.
So is there any value in looking backwards in order to move forward? Do we really need to connect the dots to make a picture make sense? Could we just let the present be enough information to get us to a better place? The fact that true history is written in stone is part and parcel of why its value to us is so great, along with that fact that our perspective on the past does not remain stagnant.
History is extremely useful to us, because when it is revisited regarding relationships we are able to see patterns and although we cannot retroactively change anything, history will always repeat itself. The knowledge of this fact is crucial, because it gives us a unique opportunity: to do something different.
That is not exactly changing history, but if the same dynamic continues over and over again, and we have the clarity to recognize that repetition, it means we are able to react and change a particular moment – what is. Doing this, we have the power to change our destiny.
Darling Sabra, Boys and Girls, the motivation to do or not to do something - especially as drastic as changing marital status - is equal to the lack of fulfillment that is possible in the human experience. Mr. L’s ghost is letting me know that I should say what I need to say more simply. Alright then, if it has never worked as one would have liked, then break it all the way down and fix it so it does. That might just mean building a whole new life.
Is there a “possibility” that marriage with this person “could” improve - a rationalization to avoid the ultimate final solution? NO. History in it’s clean, precise and repetitive language has already proven that and given the opportunity, history will prove it over and over again.
Have a naughty day!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Hidden Baskets
Dear Miss Kitty,
Someone once told me I was incapable of sustaining a romantic relationship. Once again, I am wondering if that just might be true after all since I can’t sustain the feeling of being in love. It is a terrible thought for me to consider, but is it possible that long term relationships just don’t work for some people? If so, what can I do to change this?
Anne, Santa Barbara
Dear Anne,
Another naive Spring is here in its infant- like manifestations. Green sprouts and pastel buds proudly burst forth as if they are the first plants ever to grace the earth. The sounds of fresh chirping and gusts of sweetly scented wind waft across the face and the memories of seasons past. The deep seeded and core belief that fresh and new is both eternally exciting with an enchantment all its own, is present in every sight and sound.
Like children looking for elusive chocolate rabbits, we are willing to search, at all costs, for what we know will be sweet and satisfying. With no time to waste, tearing off thin and glittery pink and green foil to indulge in a frenzy of unabashed indulgence is new romance. Putting aside, all that is reality, for the chance to live in a full and very content world.
We then sit with our baskets brimming over with tempting treats. Gazing upon our new found indulgences and sharing the prize with special friends, we relish the telling of our story. The miraculous adventure we had while hunting this treasure trove of delights. The heightened sense of accomplishment if one was particularly difficult to reach or hidden away from everyone else.
Then, it is all over. The pink grass becomes plastic shreds that are difficult to dispose of. The fantastic chocolate bunny is nothing now but a left over bit of tail. Long live Memorial Day Weekend! The truth of the matter is that newness is gone as fast as it comes and no one is on a honeymoon every day, regardless of what the story books say.
Real life with all its broken eggs and one handled baskets is most of what we live, most of the time. Out of 365 days a year, 13 days are recognized American holidays. 13 days out of 365…Does that ratio mean there is anything wrong with life? Are there not plenty of days in between the turkey and the red roses, the scary faces and the flag flying that count as worthwhile? It is the same within a long standing relationship. What is precious is sometimes hard to see when it is not spelled out in red letters or exploited by Hallmark. But it is there.
Darling Anne Boys and Girls, it is easy to feel in love when feeling in love is all that one is doing. It is hard to sustain a feeling that is based largely on newness and a whole bunch of chemicals (the legal kind that course though infatuated flesh). Sustaining a long term relationship is a lot like hunting candy at Easter. One must diligently believe that where and when one least expects it there are signs of love. And like the very best kind of chocolate bunnies, the signs will be solid, never hollow.
Have a naughty Easter!
Someone once told me I was incapable of sustaining a romantic relationship. Once again, I am wondering if that just might be true after all since I can’t sustain the feeling of being in love. It is a terrible thought for me to consider, but is it possible that long term relationships just don’t work for some people? If so, what can I do to change this?
Anne, Santa Barbara
Dear Anne,
Another naive Spring is here in its infant- like manifestations. Green sprouts and pastel buds proudly burst forth as if they are the first plants ever to grace the earth. The sounds of fresh chirping and gusts of sweetly scented wind waft across the face and the memories of seasons past. The deep seeded and core belief that fresh and new is both eternally exciting with an enchantment all its own, is present in every sight and sound.
Like children looking for elusive chocolate rabbits, we are willing to search, at all costs, for what we know will be sweet and satisfying. With no time to waste, tearing off thin and glittery pink and green foil to indulge in a frenzy of unabashed indulgence is new romance. Putting aside, all that is reality, for the chance to live in a full and very content world.
We then sit with our baskets brimming over with tempting treats. Gazing upon our new found indulgences and sharing the prize with special friends, we relish the telling of our story. The miraculous adventure we had while hunting this treasure trove of delights. The heightened sense of accomplishment if one was particularly difficult to reach or hidden away from everyone else.
Then, it is all over. The pink grass becomes plastic shreds that are difficult to dispose of. The fantastic chocolate bunny is nothing now but a left over bit of tail. Long live Memorial Day Weekend! The truth of the matter is that newness is gone as fast as it comes and no one is on a honeymoon every day, regardless of what the story books say.
Real life with all its broken eggs and one handled baskets is most of what we live, most of the time. Out of 365 days a year, 13 days are recognized American holidays. 13 days out of 365…Does that ratio mean there is anything wrong with life? Are there not plenty of days in between the turkey and the red roses, the scary faces and the flag flying that count as worthwhile? It is the same within a long standing relationship. What is precious is sometimes hard to see when it is not spelled out in red letters or exploited by Hallmark. But it is there.
Darling Anne Boys and Girls, it is easy to feel in love when feeling in love is all that one is doing. It is hard to sustain a feeling that is based largely on newness and a whole bunch of chemicals (the legal kind that course though infatuated flesh). Sustaining a long term relationship is a lot like hunting candy at Easter. One must diligently believe that where and when one least expects it there are signs of love. And like the very best kind of chocolate bunnies, the signs will be solid, never hollow.
Have a naughty Easter!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Gone Fishing
Dear Miss Kitty,
The other day my BF said he would take my car and get it serviced for me. He didn’t do it and I was angry with him. Then I thought about all the really nice things he does for me and I felt guilty. I feel like if he said he would do the car and didn’t (he was fishing) I had a right to be angry with him. Didn’t I?
Candice, Santa Barbara
Dear Candice,
Like the ill- mannered relative that no one wants to invite to family functions or the embarrassingly and LOUD and complaining person next to you in a movie theatre, anger is perhaps the least understood of emotions. To show anger can make one vulnerable in a way that sadness, joy and even love have never endured.
If love is delightful rituals accompanied by strawberries and cream, champagne and all things pretty, anger seems to only beget more anger, sadness or a big fat bouquet of resentment. Nothing pretty about that! So why is it, especially within the confounds of even the most confident of relationships, that showing anger tips us into such uncomfortable realms?
Are we not allowed to express anger unless the slate is cleared off of all debris and therefore potential retribution is unlikely? Must we do a very fast mental check to insure we are “justifiably” angry and therefore justified in a bit of eye- ball rolling?
The evolved thinking man or woman is stuck in the mud without a clean exit when anger puts its dirty little paws upon a situation. It can be difficult enough to express anger and do so in an emotionally consciousness way-let alone feeling enough guilt to fill a pot with 100 chickens simmering away as soup.
A big part of the process is learning that to be angry is very acceptable. It is after all part of being human. The bigger human understands that moderating anger, by choice of words, are what allows us to express anger without sacrificing compassion. For those who are very uncomfortable with the whole ‘A” word, either by upbringing or personal experiences, not needing to rationalize anger is the first step to a healthy tantrum.
Case in point, Miss Candice doesn’t need to balance the fish scales here. Mr. BF may be a wonderful guy, but on this occasion he let the big one get away. Speaking of fish, which makes me think of dinner and portion control (evil concept), controlling the portion of anger metted out is crucial to the end result.
Darling Candice, Boys and Girls, along the savvy lines of not killing the messenger, it is possible, even though steamed like a clam, to get more information before losing your ceviche like cool. If what you hear or see doesn’t make the grade in your eyes then perhaps anger is your new best friend. Available in a moments notice and equally happy to take a back seat when not needed. And speaking of back-seats, making up is very important. Get your mind out of the gutter, this is about re- connecting, not the dots, but back to the reason you are together in the first place.
Have a naughty day!
The other day my BF said he would take my car and get it serviced for me. He didn’t do it and I was angry with him. Then I thought about all the really nice things he does for me and I felt guilty. I feel like if he said he would do the car and didn’t (he was fishing) I had a right to be angry with him. Didn’t I?
Candice, Santa Barbara
Dear Candice,
Like the ill- mannered relative that no one wants to invite to family functions or the embarrassingly and LOUD and complaining person next to you in a movie theatre, anger is perhaps the least understood of emotions. To show anger can make one vulnerable in a way that sadness, joy and even love have never endured.
If love is delightful rituals accompanied by strawberries and cream, champagne and all things pretty, anger seems to only beget more anger, sadness or a big fat bouquet of resentment. Nothing pretty about that! So why is it, especially within the confounds of even the most confident of relationships, that showing anger tips us into such uncomfortable realms?
Are we not allowed to express anger unless the slate is cleared off of all debris and therefore potential retribution is unlikely? Must we do a very fast mental check to insure we are “justifiably” angry and therefore justified in a bit of eye- ball rolling?
The evolved thinking man or woman is stuck in the mud without a clean exit when anger puts its dirty little paws upon a situation. It can be difficult enough to express anger and do so in an emotionally consciousness way-let alone feeling enough guilt to fill a pot with 100 chickens simmering away as soup.
A big part of the process is learning that to be angry is very acceptable. It is after all part of being human. The bigger human understands that moderating anger, by choice of words, are what allows us to express anger without sacrificing compassion. For those who are very uncomfortable with the whole ‘A” word, either by upbringing or personal experiences, not needing to rationalize anger is the first step to a healthy tantrum.
Case in point, Miss Candice doesn’t need to balance the fish scales here. Mr. BF may be a wonderful guy, but on this occasion he let the big one get away. Speaking of fish, which makes me think of dinner and portion control (evil concept), controlling the portion of anger metted out is crucial to the end result.
Darling Candice, Boys and Girls, along the savvy lines of not killing the messenger, it is possible, even though steamed like a clam, to get more information before losing your ceviche like cool. If what you hear or see doesn’t make the grade in your eyes then perhaps anger is your new best friend. Available in a moments notice and equally happy to take a back seat when not needed. And speaking of back-seats, making up is very important. Get your mind out of the gutter, this is about re- connecting, not the dots, but back to the reason you are together in the first place.
Have a naughty day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)