Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I have been married for 32 years. We have a lot of couple friends and spend time with them on a regular basis. My life has taken a turn in a specific direction and I really don’t want to spend so much of my time with other people. I am not anti-social at all, it’s just some of the friends I feel I have nothing in common with. (Some of them are friends from the kid’s pre-school days!) I would rather not be as involved, but my wife thinks I am being very rude. I know she reads your column, so since she can’t hear anything from me on the subject, I thought she might be willing to read it from you.
Brian L, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Brian,
That we are our brother’s keeper seems to take on a myriad of definitions when it comes to relationship protocol. Because we sit both on the observation deck and in the captains chair, it hard to sit still when our partners indulge in past times or people that we would sooner pass by. Is it fair to always be on-board when it comes to another’s decisions? Is where we are as a couple ever the same thing as where we are alone? Just where is the balance when it comes to honestly pleasing thy self and thy partner?
Time outranks new puppies, perfect coffee and has even diamonds on the run. It is the top of the food chain, the heap and really is the whole enchilada. There is nothing more precious, because time is the only thing we actually own and its availability is fixed as nothing else. Therefore, when it comes to protecting this commodity- extraordinaire it is reasonable to go to an extreme to do so? It is only when our needs are being held in the not- valid- file that such lengths become a possibility? As in everything else, relationships are best served when individual needs are in balance with the whole.
Humans do not appear to be fixed in either likes or dislikes. Our experimental nature may be tempered with maturity but our desire to evolve should never be extinguished because another human being doesn’t choose to be where we wish to go. It is the actions that manifest changes that give us not only plenty of food for thought, but an opportunity for a better relationship reality. As any city-slicker who has been faced with a partner inclined to be a bit Grizzly like knows, there is a good reason that the expression is “happy camper.”
Darling Brian, Boys and Girls- as it is fair that a partner should be open to getting to know the new us, it is fair that we give them the chance to do so. The open- ended willingness to let a partner be themselves isn’t always as easy as it seems. Protecting and changing life priorities isn’t selfish- but not being willing to adjust to them is. There can fear in watching a partner make changes. Could they possibly out grow us? Could we become no longer interesting or fit into a new way of living? When what we have always known becomes threatened, it is easy to become defensive and hold the line no-matter-what.
Relax. It is said that change is as good as a rest and the change within the self is always going to have an impact in a close and loving personal relationship. It is the impact of the adjustment that really tells the story. A relationship that wants longevity must have the ability to roll with the punches that life throws, and the ones that are generated within the relationship are no exception. Partners that encourage each other to be their best and happiest selves have the best and happiest relationships.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, August 29, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Holding Hands Without a Sunset
Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife is going through a very trying time right now. Family illness, work, our oldest leaving for college, you name it; it all seems to be happening. Actually, things have been pretty rough for her most of this year. My question is at what point do my needs count? I feel like I am a jerk if I need anything from her, and she is so quick to lash out at me, I am walking on the proverbial egg shells. Please don’t suggest counseling, I have gone and it didn’t make a difference. Anything else up those lacey sleeves of yours?
Adam, Santa Barbara
Dear Adam,
After the sesame noodles have been eaten and the Mu Shu devoured, there is a lovely little moment (in the hour before we get hungry again) when the fortune cookies are delivered to the satisfied diners. With keen anticipation, fingers reach out for their post-meal fate, with either a hesitant pause or a quick grab of impulsive decision. Without further ceremony, the crunchy crescents are eagerly cracked open to deliver a free bit-o-wisdom. It is doubtful that anyone lives or dies for the lucky numbers or the message of the moment, but most of us do take a minute to think about what it could mean. More accurately, we find a way to make our fortune fit, because what apparently makes sense to us has validity - and therefore has value.
When we sign up to love, honor, and be-there-no matter-what, we better mean it. It makes no difference if we choose to do so in a formal legal ceremony or within the structure of a personal agreement. Being there for another person through it all is a gi-normous undertaking. Consciously making such a choice is one of the things that make humans so humane. But when it comes to being supportive of a loved one, does it make sense to promise what you don’t know you can deliver? Could it be that love isn’t always enough? Is everything we’ve got everything we should give? Being there, no-matter-what does not mean being taken for granted. “Being there” for someone, like everything else, needs some definition, manners and rules of conduct.
Hardship of all kinds is very fair in its distribution. Like Coca-Cola it is available in every country and is a stranger to no one. We can rightly assume that everything between death and taxes will show up over the years, but what we can’t always fathom is how the unknown will be received by our partner. We are not born with the skill set to help us manage high levels of emotional upheaval in ourselves, but it is something hopefully we choose to learn. When we are suddenly cast as the back-up vocals to the one with a spot light upon them, especially if the show is running for a long time, it is difficult to keep a happy tune going when the diva is distraught.
Being available to someone, in the way that they need is a great skill and harder to do then surfing in marshmallow cream. It may look easy when a professional does it, but for most of us mere mortals it is hard to stay up when the ground is soft, sticky and unstable. It is almost impossible when the support appears to be or is unappreciated. Regardless of how tough it can be during times of trial, real love is enough. That does not mean that deep and painful feelings will disappear with a hug and a kiss. Only little boo-boo’s are soothed so easily. But knowing that before the nasty patch showed up, someone was there - and will continue to be there during and after - is a kind of embrace that is like no other. The trouble is, it takes the partner, within the middle of the storm, to recognize the level of love that is being given and not just take for granted.
Darling Adam, Boys and Girls, there are some things that a partner, as loving and supportive as they can be, can not do for another person. That is where the self must step in and sing not only alone, but a capella. Sometimes there is no music and all is silent except for a single inner voice raised to ask its questions, scream its anger and then find its own notes of peace.
Have a naughty day!
My wife is going through a very trying time right now. Family illness, work, our oldest leaving for college, you name it; it all seems to be happening. Actually, things have been pretty rough for her most of this year. My question is at what point do my needs count? I feel like I am a jerk if I need anything from her, and she is so quick to lash out at me, I am walking on the proverbial egg shells. Please don’t suggest counseling, I have gone and it didn’t make a difference. Anything else up those lacey sleeves of yours?
Adam, Santa Barbara
Dear Adam,
After the sesame noodles have been eaten and the Mu Shu devoured, there is a lovely little moment (in the hour before we get hungry again) when the fortune cookies are delivered to the satisfied diners. With keen anticipation, fingers reach out for their post-meal fate, with either a hesitant pause or a quick grab of impulsive decision. Without further ceremony, the crunchy crescents are eagerly cracked open to deliver a free bit-o-wisdom. It is doubtful that anyone lives or dies for the lucky numbers or the message of the moment, but most of us do take a minute to think about what it could mean. More accurately, we find a way to make our fortune fit, because what apparently makes sense to us has validity - and therefore has value.
When we sign up to love, honor, and be-there-no matter-what, we better mean it. It makes no difference if we choose to do so in a formal legal ceremony or within the structure of a personal agreement. Being there for another person through it all is a gi-normous undertaking. Consciously making such a choice is one of the things that make humans so humane. But when it comes to being supportive of a loved one, does it make sense to promise what you don’t know you can deliver? Could it be that love isn’t always enough? Is everything we’ve got everything we should give? Being there, no-matter-what does not mean being taken for granted. “Being there” for someone, like everything else, needs some definition, manners and rules of conduct.
Hardship of all kinds is very fair in its distribution. Like Coca-Cola it is available in every country and is a stranger to no one. We can rightly assume that everything between death and taxes will show up over the years, but what we can’t always fathom is how the unknown will be received by our partner. We are not born with the skill set to help us manage high levels of emotional upheaval in ourselves, but it is something hopefully we choose to learn. When we are suddenly cast as the back-up vocals to the one with a spot light upon them, especially if the show is running for a long time, it is difficult to keep a happy tune going when the diva is distraught.
Being available to someone, in the way that they need is a great skill and harder to do then surfing in marshmallow cream. It may look easy when a professional does it, but for most of us mere mortals it is hard to stay up when the ground is soft, sticky and unstable. It is almost impossible when the support appears to be or is unappreciated. Regardless of how tough it can be during times of trial, real love is enough. That does not mean that deep and painful feelings will disappear with a hug and a kiss. Only little boo-boo’s are soothed so easily. But knowing that before the nasty patch showed up, someone was there - and will continue to be there during and after - is a kind of embrace that is like no other. The trouble is, it takes the partner, within the middle of the storm, to recognize the level of love that is being given and not just take for granted.
Darling Adam, Boys and Girls, there are some things that a partner, as loving and supportive as they can be, can not do for another person. That is where the self must step in and sing not only alone, but a capella. Sometimes there is no music and all is silent except for a single inner voice raised to ask its questions, scream its anger and then find its own notes of peace.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Ma Cherie Amour and the Boy Next Door
Dear Miss Kitty,
I met my BF’s parents and sister last week. They seem so much like my family and I felt completely at home. I have wondered if this was “the one” and now I am sure. Before I met “the family”, I wasn’t completely sold, but based on how his family acted around me, now I feel I can really trust him. One of my friends said that you don’t marry the family you marry the guy, but it seems like if the family is o.k., he should be too. Do you think so?
Kaili S.
Dear Kaili,
The longer one lives the more it seems like the world works in less mysterious ways than one would think. So it isn’t surprising to find that when it comes to finding a suitable life partner there is, more often than not, a definite pattern to follow for happiness. If we start out within an emotionally stable family, it would appear that the best partner for us is the one that easily fits in with our family of origin. So what happens when we start on our merry way to find this possible partner? Why are there so many well-intentioned opportunities that lead us astray? Why is it with an infallible DNA blueprint to follow we lose our way so easily? Why is it that so many relationships end up stuck within the layers of disappointment and confusion when it all seemed so easy at the beginning?
When an American finds herself in Paris, the seductive tones of a fresh croissant are only second to the knowing tones of a Maurice Chevalier. Ma Cherie is an intoxicating elixir all so easy to wash down with a flute of champagne and a complete loss of normal function! A top of the morning to you from the pouty lips of an Irish lass while serving up a cup of coffee is something a bit more interesting than the usual American “have a nice day”. And when in Rome? Need I say more?
It is something amazing to note that when in Rome, or New York or Tunisia the voice that is the path less traveled has a power to pull us right off track! Are we concluding that all relationships are best suited by finding a mate who shares the same background and social engineering? Not on your Yenta. When one is entranced with something “a bit different”, be it an accent, a way of doing most things, or a complete 180 degrees away from everything you know, a valuable lesson is that you take… it…. slowly. Why? You’re hard-wired senses, allowing you to sniff out what is safe and what is not, are going to work a little harder than usual.
But what happens when you meet up with the proverbial boy or girl next door? Should that be piece of wedding cake? Does simply growing up in the traditional nuclear family with mom, dad and a sibling or two in a nice house with a white picket fence mean that finding someone else with the same nuclear upbringing and white picket fence brings instant compatibility? There is more to who we are than what can be seen on the surface, and unfortunately it is harder to go slowly when what we feel in another and their kin is familiar. Nuclear can just as easily mean an explosive atomic melt-down as a warm and cozy family atmosphere if you’re not careful.
They say that familiarity breeds contempt, but familiarity is more likely to lull us into a sense of comfort, when security is the last thing that is actually available. No one needs a PhD to be able look as they wish to appear. A pretty car, home or family is just that - and nothing more until one spends the time to see what is really there.
Darling Kaili, Boys and Girls, it takes experience to know how to read another person, let alone a relationship. It takes wisdom to separate reality from what we so desperately want to be and it takes strength to hold back until we are sure. Just because the family “feels” right, doesn’t mean they are or they are not. If the comfort level with the BF wasn’t there until the family showed up, means in some way you still are unsure - and that is all you need to pay attention to right now. When we trust our judgment, and not our illusions, we are likely to land steady on our feet, regardless of how far over our heels our head presently is.
Have a naughty day!
I met my BF’s parents and sister last week. They seem so much like my family and I felt completely at home. I have wondered if this was “the one” and now I am sure. Before I met “the family”, I wasn’t completely sold, but based on how his family acted around me, now I feel I can really trust him. One of my friends said that you don’t marry the family you marry the guy, but it seems like if the family is o.k., he should be too. Do you think so?
Kaili S.
Dear Kaili,
The longer one lives the more it seems like the world works in less mysterious ways than one would think. So it isn’t surprising to find that when it comes to finding a suitable life partner there is, more often than not, a definite pattern to follow for happiness. If we start out within an emotionally stable family, it would appear that the best partner for us is the one that easily fits in with our family of origin. So what happens when we start on our merry way to find this possible partner? Why are there so many well-intentioned opportunities that lead us astray? Why is it with an infallible DNA blueprint to follow we lose our way so easily? Why is it that so many relationships end up stuck within the layers of disappointment and confusion when it all seemed so easy at the beginning?
When an American finds herself in Paris, the seductive tones of a fresh croissant are only second to the knowing tones of a Maurice Chevalier. Ma Cherie is an intoxicating elixir all so easy to wash down with a flute of champagne and a complete loss of normal function! A top of the morning to you from the pouty lips of an Irish lass while serving up a cup of coffee is something a bit more interesting than the usual American “have a nice day”. And when in Rome? Need I say more?
It is something amazing to note that when in Rome, or New York or Tunisia the voice that is the path less traveled has a power to pull us right off track! Are we concluding that all relationships are best suited by finding a mate who shares the same background and social engineering? Not on your Yenta. When one is entranced with something “a bit different”, be it an accent, a way of doing most things, or a complete 180 degrees away from everything you know, a valuable lesson is that you take… it…. slowly. Why? You’re hard-wired senses, allowing you to sniff out what is safe and what is not, are going to work a little harder than usual.
But what happens when you meet up with the proverbial boy or girl next door? Should that be piece of wedding cake? Does simply growing up in the traditional nuclear family with mom, dad and a sibling or two in a nice house with a white picket fence mean that finding someone else with the same nuclear upbringing and white picket fence brings instant compatibility? There is more to who we are than what can be seen on the surface, and unfortunately it is harder to go slowly when what we feel in another and their kin is familiar. Nuclear can just as easily mean an explosive atomic melt-down as a warm and cozy family atmosphere if you’re not careful.
They say that familiarity breeds contempt, but familiarity is more likely to lull us into a sense of comfort, when security is the last thing that is actually available. No one needs a PhD to be able look as they wish to appear. A pretty car, home or family is just that - and nothing more until one spends the time to see what is really there.
Darling Kaili, Boys and Girls, it takes experience to know how to read another person, let alone a relationship. It takes wisdom to separate reality from what we so desperately want to be and it takes strength to hold back until we are sure. Just because the family “feels” right, doesn’t mean they are or they are not. If the comfort level with the BF wasn’t there until the family showed up, means in some way you still are unsure - and that is all you need to pay attention to right now. When we trust our judgment, and not our illusions, we are likely to land steady on our feet, regardless of how far over our heels our head presently is.
Have a naughty day!
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