Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a wonderful woman who had just relocated to SB from an affluent area Our previous two dates had gone very well and I wanted to make a third dinner date with her. I offered two suggestions for our date which were more than adequate, but she wanted to “upgrade” my suggestions into the best place in town. I softly interjected that I reserved this place for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries etc. - this was met by silence on the phone for what seemed like an eternity.To her credit, she did back off and accepted a mutually agreed upon restaurant - however I ended up by canceling the date because I couldn’t get over the feeling that she was dating my wallet and not me. Please provide us girls and guys Miss Kitty’s appropriate protocol for do’s and don’ts on accepting dinner dates.
Not the Wallet - Santa Barbara
Dear NTW,
Congratulations on receiving one of the highly coveted Miss Kitty ‘Real Man of the Year” Awards! Sticking to your chosen code of values with integrity and staying solidly the authentic “You” - even though coerced by the intimidating silence of this “wonderful’ woman - is a critical male moment for you, worthy of receiving the RMY. Without significant self-torture or ceremony you remained steady and on-track, taking the high road of independence and self-rule. Your ultimate reward, of course, is that you are not stuck spending your time with a potential gold digger, a pushy broad, or someone who can manipulate you through as many doors as humanly possible. In other words, without any doubt, you dodged a bullet - and for that you can be grateful. As Michael French, Stylist to the Stars says: “Next!”
In this last week before the demanding year ends, tilting us towards the (hopefully) more benevolent 2009, let’s all take stock of where we are in the dating pool or in our current relationship, and make sure we are being as real as the red nose on Santa’s numero-uno sled puller. Oh wait….a luminous schnozz on a flying reindeer named Rudolph wouldn’t be real, would it? See how hard it can be to discern reality about someone? Therefore, since we can’t change others and using discernment spells went out with the Salem witch trials, how we choose to conduct ourselves when faced with the inevitable tests they throw at us, is the next best thing to a date that doesn’t order an entire rack of ribs on a first date. NTW, you passed “wonderful’s” eatery-selection test with flying colors, because your conduct stayed firmly aligned with your ideals.
In the last twenty years the accepted protocol of dating has changed dramatically. Dating by keyboard and cell phone, instead of rendezvousing by clicking ice in a smoky den of ill-repute, demands that the protocol of who (pays) and where (we eat) must be very clear. And since everyone is capable of wearing the pants and therefore has pockets- no one should assume that the man always needs a wallet.
Speaking of wallets, they are now as easily filled by men as by women. Imagine that! What makes modern dating confusing is that the equality aspect plays havoc with the hard wired instinct to be a chaser and a chasee. Which brings us back again to knowing your own mind. The rules of dating are easily mutable, but what your comfort level is, is not. Cindy can ask out Mike for dinner and a movie, now Mike must leave any expectation of a good night kiss at the bottom of the popcorn bag. How honorable it is, that in today’s world, the obligatory good night kiss is no longer bought and paid for in advance; or that by Mike taking Cindy to the Ritziest joint in town, he expects anything more than a kiss worthy of Taco Bell.
The basic rule of wallets is thus: If there is pleasure in the paying then by all means indulge. If there is trepidation or a feeling of being bought then pay your own way. A corollary to the rule of wallets is: If you are the askor, you should expect to pay – but in return, as askor you have first dibs on where you go to spend your hard-earned dough. By this corollary, NTW, an alternate response to “wonderful” could have been: “Sure, we can go to (insert upscale Santa Barbara restaurant here) – do you want me to drop you by the ATM before so you pick up some cash?
Because dating rules are no longer dressed up in a zoot suit with an overcoat of social convention, it is up to the individuals involved to decide what feels good and what is comfortable. A wealthy icon like Warren Buffet might prefer his beloved Dairy Queen to the Four Seasons – but he is comfortable enough in his own skin to know what he wants, and why. Any less-than-authentic testing woman would be completely off-base in trying to correlate Mr. Buffet’s taste in restaurants with the size of his wallet.
There can no longer be the expectation of anything therefore if someone does the asking they do the paying. If someone is a decent human being who understands give and take and is not a game-playing sponge-of-a-taker, they know enough to be gracious and accept the offering of a date as a gift. NTW and boys and girls, seek out those decent souls to spend your time with and money on. Avoid the rest like the plague. To put it in simple terms we all can understand, to parody Johnny Cochran: “If you don’t want to be sucked dry, then you must say good bye”!
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Under the Mistletoe
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been going out with my BF for 11 months. We have a great relationship, talk about the future and he acts like he loves me, but he has never said the magic words. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and all I really want is for him to say, “I love you.” Is this setting myself up or being true to myself?
Waiting under the Mistletoe
Dear Waiting:
When Christmas morning rolls around wouldn’t be amazing, if under the fragrant tree, there was a pile of beautifully wrapped, empty boxes. Silky ribbons lavishly tied around them, they contain the invisible, but vitally important presents that really matter to us. Detailed instructions included of course, to make sure we understand both the value and the implied messages that are inherent in such precious gifts. We un- wrap them in wonder, to discover the tangible manifestations of what we need - alongside the harder-to-pin-down aspects of ethereal wants.
Put “truth”, that most magnificent of all treasures right on the top of the pile, with all the tricky little accessories that come with it. The multitude of small parts that are so easy to lose, but necessary if the complex gift is going to work at full, honest capacity. If you are giving this priceless gift, you will need to purchase a guarantee for this one - and make sure it is a lifetime guarantee which covers parts and labor. Lots of labor, for it is a labor of love to maintain this valuable bequest, and keep track of those tiny little pieces that don’t always seem important until you find one of them missing.
The next box, wrapped up in silver paper with a deep blue velvet bow, just screaming, “Open me first!” is “Time”. The simple pleasure of more than a moment and less than a lifetime; the freeing satisfaction of having someone else do something special, just for you. When Miss K was a mere credit card-less kitten, scribbling away making homemade coupons for cups of tea and car washes, she never knew the value of what she was giving away. Now a grown up and perpetually busy cat, the idea of truly free time – time that is all yours - is on par with zero calorie cinnamon rolls. It’s always treasured to give of yourself, even if your tea-making skills would get you fired at the local Starbucks.
Wrapped in the most exquisite, but difficult to open box, “I love you” is the ultimate gift of no return and no exchange. You are not only giving of yourself, but making a commitment of never-ending work. And this is the best sort of work – a true labor of love. The Lego castle of love has endless pieces, instructions that are sometimes indecipherable and pending revision on most days, and when the castle gets stepped on by life, you have to put in the time and energy to put it back together again. When combined with the gift of truth and an unwavering commitment, sometimes the rebuild is even better and stronger than the original.
So darling Boys, Girls and Waiting, when shopping this holiday season, think about what your giving, not what your getting and head to the mall of the ultimate gifts - where price is no object and the payment plans are always reasonable. You can wrap up some truth, throw in some time and know that your gift is not only as good as it gets, but the recipient will think it is even more precious and treasured than you could have ever imagined.
Have a naughty holiday!
I have been going out with my BF for 11 months. We have a great relationship, talk about the future and he acts like he loves me, but he has never said the magic words. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and all I really want is for him to say, “I love you.” Is this setting myself up or being true to myself?
Waiting under the Mistletoe
Dear Waiting:
When Christmas morning rolls around wouldn’t be amazing, if under the fragrant tree, there was a pile of beautifully wrapped, empty boxes. Silky ribbons lavishly tied around them, they contain the invisible, but vitally important presents that really matter to us. Detailed instructions included of course, to make sure we understand both the value and the implied messages that are inherent in such precious gifts. We un- wrap them in wonder, to discover the tangible manifestations of what we need - alongside the harder-to-pin-down aspects of ethereal wants.
Put “truth”, that most magnificent of all treasures right on the top of the pile, with all the tricky little accessories that come with it. The multitude of small parts that are so easy to lose, but necessary if the complex gift is going to work at full, honest capacity. If you are giving this priceless gift, you will need to purchase a guarantee for this one - and make sure it is a lifetime guarantee which covers parts and labor. Lots of labor, for it is a labor of love to maintain this valuable bequest, and keep track of those tiny little pieces that don’t always seem important until you find one of them missing.
The next box, wrapped up in silver paper with a deep blue velvet bow, just screaming, “Open me first!” is “Time”. The simple pleasure of more than a moment and less than a lifetime; the freeing satisfaction of having someone else do something special, just for you. When Miss K was a mere credit card-less kitten, scribbling away making homemade coupons for cups of tea and car washes, she never knew the value of what she was giving away. Now a grown up and perpetually busy cat, the idea of truly free time – time that is all yours - is on par with zero calorie cinnamon rolls. It’s always treasured to give of yourself, even if your tea-making skills would get you fired at the local Starbucks.
Wrapped in the most exquisite, but difficult to open box, “I love you” is the ultimate gift of no return and no exchange. You are not only giving of yourself, but making a commitment of never-ending work. And this is the best sort of work – a true labor of love. The Lego castle of love has endless pieces, instructions that are sometimes indecipherable and pending revision on most days, and when the castle gets stepped on by life, you have to put in the time and energy to put it back together again. When combined with the gift of truth and an unwavering commitment, sometimes the rebuild is even better and stronger than the original.
So darling Boys, Girls and Waiting, when shopping this holiday season, think about what your giving, not what your getting and head to the mall of the ultimate gifts - where price is no object and the payment plans are always reasonable. You can wrap up some truth, throw in some time and know that your gift is not only as good as it gets, but the recipient will think it is even more precious and treasured than you could have ever imagined.
Have a naughty holiday!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
At the Bottom of the Waterfall
Dear Miss Kitty,
I was recently widowed and am thinking about dating. What is considered an appropriate time and how do I let my family know without any hurt feelings?
Looking ahead, Santa Barbara
Dear Looking,
When we have lived our life as a twosome, and now circumstance has turned us back into a solo act, the adjustments are far more profound than just getting one cup of tea ready in the morning instead of two. Side by sid, intense grief and pain there is also the unconscious awareness that life continues-and why should it be anything but as sweet as possible? Does anyone have a right to challenge someone’s happiness potential? I think not. There is no time like the present for joy; especially when one has just had breakfast in bed in bed with death.
What a strange world we are thrust into, a place of constant change and constant challenge. Just when it begins to make sense, something happens that forces us to work out our life all over again. If we are lucky we reevaluate our priorities- we make the sadness count for something. If someone has been married for most of their life and then looses that beloved, everything is new again. Including what is and isn’t the person that still has the earth suit on. Finding out just whom we really are, without a partner is a journey un to itself. It is no wonder that most of us will take the devil we know over the devil we don’t most of the time but during a time of need the familiar is longed for as never before. When the familiar is no longer available, do we have any choice but to walk bravely into the unknown?
Darling Looking, Boys and Girls, regardless of the timing, finding warmth and happiness in life is all that good family and real friends want for us. They understand that pain does not cancel out the need for love. Understanding the particular pain of loss is like knowing a really good recipe. You share your story, because we all have one, and hope that it will be of solace to others.
The continuum of human understanding dictates that what ever you need to do, will be understood. Anyone that truly loves you will know that you are not looking for a replacement or a distraction. You are looking for friendship, compassion and passion at a time when they will make a healthy difference as you enter this brave new world alone.
Anyone that can’t find a way to understand can be left alone for now. Your job is to take care of you. Your job is to gently go and explore where millions of men and women have gone before. Now, like the pond below a waterfall, where it is still and quiet, think about you and only you and begin to make sense of your new life.
Have a naughty day!
I was recently widowed and am thinking about dating. What is considered an appropriate time and how do I let my family know without any hurt feelings?
Looking ahead, Santa Barbara
Dear Looking,
When we have lived our life as a twosome, and now circumstance has turned us back into a solo act, the adjustments are far more profound than just getting one cup of tea ready in the morning instead of two. Side by sid, intense grief and pain there is also the unconscious awareness that life continues-and why should it be anything but as sweet as possible? Does anyone have a right to challenge someone’s happiness potential? I think not. There is no time like the present for joy; especially when one has just had breakfast in bed in bed with death.
What a strange world we are thrust into, a place of constant change and constant challenge. Just when it begins to make sense, something happens that forces us to work out our life all over again. If we are lucky we reevaluate our priorities- we make the sadness count for something. If someone has been married for most of their life and then looses that beloved, everything is new again. Including what is and isn’t the person that still has the earth suit on. Finding out just whom we really are, without a partner is a journey un to itself. It is no wonder that most of us will take the devil we know over the devil we don’t most of the time but during a time of need the familiar is longed for as never before. When the familiar is no longer available, do we have any choice but to walk bravely into the unknown?
Darling Looking, Boys and Girls, regardless of the timing, finding warmth and happiness in life is all that good family and real friends want for us. They understand that pain does not cancel out the need for love. Understanding the particular pain of loss is like knowing a really good recipe. You share your story, because we all have one, and hope that it will be of solace to others.
The continuum of human understanding dictates that what ever you need to do, will be understood. Anyone that truly loves you will know that you are not looking for a replacement or a distraction. You are looking for friendship, compassion and passion at a time when they will make a healthy difference as you enter this brave new world alone.
Anyone that can’t find a way to understand can be left alone for now. Your job is to take care of you. Your job is to gently go and explore where millions of men and women have gone before. Now, like the pond below a waterfall, where it is still and quiet, think about you and only you and begin to make sense of your new life.
Have a naughty day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)