Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I are the best of friends and have been together for 5 years. We truly enjoy each others company in all ways and have a smooth and healthy relationship. Because it is so good and now we have been together so long, everyone asks when we are getting married. My question is why would anyone wanted to get married when the divorce rate is so high? Thanks from both of us.
Kelly, Santa Barbara
Dear Kelly,
I write my column by a window and outside there is a small and sweet patio garden filled with potted flowers and herbs. Last year, Robins came and nested in a hanging fern. The birds didn’t build the nest; they homesteaded one that was already there, regardless, the little free loaders happily set up house. After a while the subtle chirping of very small voices could be heard, five in fact, because I peaked. The little ones grew up and flew away. The parents left for Vegas. A month later another fern was homesteaded. Because birds don’t dress or use accessories I couldn’t recognize if the birds were the original pair, but nevertheless, baby bird camp was set up again. Chirping and then the inevitable spying ensued. Five more baby birds to fly around the world.
Then something happened. One sunny morning a giant ruckus was heard and after all the noise there was stillness. Going out to investigate, two Robins lay dead on the patio, under the fern and all the babies were dead. A large black bird was seen flying away. After a solemn burial and many thoughts about life, death and the nature of things-a year went by.
Last night while looking out towards the patio I remembered the wholesale slaughter in paradise. When evil swooped in and made chaos of a peaceful and prosperous existence. I remembered how insanely random and yet not, the innocent deaths seemed. I thought I couldn't possibly see a bird nesting outside of the window ever again.
This morning I watered the pots in paradise. I saw a Robin. Then another bringing sticks and a deed of title to the fern.
So, is nature so stupid as to not have learned from the past? Or is nature so intelligent to understand that nothing risked is nothing gained? Does the eventual outcome not matter, but the process is where we grow and learn and there is never a guarantee-even in an apparently safe fern?
It is the same with marriage. One can never know what might lurk even in the bright light of morning. And although most Americans get married at some point in their life, among those who have said their wedding vows, one out of three have been divorced at least once. So if four out of every five adults have been married at least once, it would seem that we as humans believe that nesting together is a good idea.
Among adults who have been married, more than a third have experienced at least one divorce. Does that mean that we have grown easy with the idea that divorce is as a natural part of life? Could it be that our expectations of marriage have reached new heights and we as a people want something better than our counterparts did 50 plus years ago? There are many ways to interpret statistics!
Perhaps part of the the numbers game is that there is no stigma attached to divorce anymore. The neighbors don’t panic when a divorcee moves into a housing tract with 3 little kids and a short skirt. No one is threatened since they have short skirts of their own! So could divorce really be an unavoidable rite of passage due to the fact that we live longer and might realistically be better off seeking a different partner for each phase of adult life? It’s possible.
It is also possible that we, like the Robins don’t plan or provide for possible trouble. Like little children with a match, a cookie, and a flashlight, we are experimental and experience-driven rather than desiring knowledge about marriage and relationships from objective information and teachings. Just like the birdies we prefer to follow our uneducated instincts and do damage control when we can, if we can. With that mind-set it is no wonder, we retain such a high divorce rate.
Darling Boys, Girls and Kelly, the birds are back in town because there is something in our nature as well as in our society that finds marriage pleasing. There is a reason that 50th anniversaries are marked with $1000 an ounce gold instead of bird seed. It matters to us as people. The idea of commitment and history. The chance to learn as much as one can about another human being throughout the good, the bad and the ugly, in what is called life. That Kelly is why marriage, for better or worse endures. This spring and summer when throwing bird seed at a newly married bride and groom, remember the Robins and that he or she who dares always wins.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, February 27, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Eternally Yours, Most of the Time
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I have been separated for the past year. He says he has changed his ways and wants to give “us” another chance. We have three teens, a business, and I still have feelings for him. If I knew with certainty that it would work out, I would say yes, but I just don’t know and I don’t want to go through really tough times yet again. How can you know that maybe this time it will work out?
VC, Santa Barbara
Dear VC,
As the poets say, hope springs eternal and as I say, so do promises. People make and listen to promises because they are eternally hopeful. Politicians make promises to get elected, because if they told the real truth no one would vote for them. With the old adage “it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission” tattooed on what ever part of the body won’t show up in a swimsuit, they make their pledges to get us to punch our ballots. A partner in a relationship makes promises because if they told the real truth - that they really couldn’t be sure of anything - one might not be willing to take any chances. So when a person beseeches another for something, be it a vote or a marriage or another chance (and especially after a serious altercation), caution should be duly enforced. To help remember the lesson, spell chance backwards. It means means nothing and never will.
A “bail out” is a verb and the definition is to aid, deliver, release, relieve, rescue or spring. Example: When a small boat is taking on water due to leaks in the hull, one takes a bucket and removes the water from the boat so the boat stays afloat. Is this a permanent fix or just a temporary measure? If you said temporary you’re right - so why are “bail outs” in relationships considered a permanent fix?
Good intentions are no more than a bit of pink bubble gum over a leaky hole. Eventually the gum loses its stickiness and whatever was attempting to gain access, now has a passport to the Promised Land. (See how those promises sneak their way in???) So if good intentions should have been a Beach Boys song instead of a back-door way to gain access, could time really be the great healer? Time certainly has the PR department of the universe. Yes, working 24/7 on this little promise, time claims to fade hurts and heal hearts. Of course time is sharing the PR department with most wrinkle creams and the government, so it isn’t what it used to be.
Time does allow jets to cool and perspective to change. Unfortunately, it also allows the intense sting of damage to slip away from memory. For a relationship this can be dangerous. Remember the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?” It is rare, like the spotted Norwegian Forest Cat (no such thing) that people change. They can modify, adapt, and convert themselves into something different when they have enough motivation to do so. However it is a never-ending process and a path seldom traveled by most.
Since the man in question says he wants to give “us” another chance; my guess is that he is someone that hasn’t yet been willing to accept responsibility for what happened. He is putting the problem on the both of you, and if so, even after a year; there is no change that matters. All that makes a difference is embracing and braving the challenges ahead to have something better. A lot better.
Boys and Girls and VC; if someone is willing to not forget, but embrace, the past and use it to further the future, you have half a chance. If someone is committed to change on a forever basis you have three quarters of a chance, but the reason it’s called a chance is because there are no - and never will be - any guarantees. Chance has nothing to do with luck. Like opposite ends of a broom, both are useful but seldom used together.
Have a naughty day!
My husband and I have been separated for the past year. He says he has changed his ways and wants to give “us” another chance. We have three teens, a business, and I still have feelings for him. If I knew with certainty that it would work out, I would say yes, but I just don’t know and I don’t want to go through really tough times yet again. How can you know that maybe this time it will work out?
VC, Santa Barbara
Dear VC,
As the poets say, hope springs eternal and as I say, so do promises. People make and listen to promises because they are eternally hopeful. Politicians make promises to get elected, because if they told the real truth no one would vote for them. With the old adage “it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission” tattooed on what ever part of the body won’t show up in a swimsuit, they make their pledges to get us to punch our ballots. A partner in a relationship makes promises because if they told the real truth - that they really couldn’t be sure of anything - one might not be willing to take any chances. So when a person beseeches another for something, be it a vote or a marriage or another chance (and especially after a serious altercation), caution should be duly enforced. To help remember the lesson, spell chance backwards. It means means nothing and never will.
A “bail out” is a verb and the definition is to aid, deliver, release, relieve, rescue or spring. Example: When a small boat is taking on water due to leaks in the hull, one takes a bucket and removes the water from the boat so the boat stays afloat. Is this a permanent fix or just a temporary measure? If you said temporary you’re right - so why are “bail outs” in relationships considered a permanent fix?
Good intentions are no more than a bit of pink bubble gum over a leaky hole. Eventually the gum loses its stickiness and whatever was attempting to gain access, now has a passport to the Promised Land. (See how those promises sneak their way in???) So if good intentions should have been a Beach Boys song instead of a back-door way to gain access, could time really be the great healer? Time certainly has the PR department of the universe. Yes, working 24/7 on this little promise, time claims to fade hurts and heal hearts. Of course time is sharing the PR department with most wrinkle creams and the government, so it isn’t what it used to be.
Time does allow jets to cool and perspective to change. Unfortunately, it also allows the intense sting of damage to slip away from memory. For a relationship this can be dangerous. Remember the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?” It is rare, like the spotted Norwegian Forest Cat (no such thing) that people change. They can modify, adapt, and convert themselves into something different when they have enough motivation to do so. However it is a never-ending process and a path seldom traveled by most.
Since the man in question says he wants to give “us” another chance; my guess is that he is someone that hasn’t yet been willing to accept responsibility for what happened. He is putting the problem on the both of you, and if so, even after a year; there is no change that matters. All that makes a difference is embracing and braving the challenges ahead to have something better. A lot better.
Boys and Girls and VC; if someone is willing to not forget, but embrace, the past and use it to further the future, you have half a chance. If someone is committed to change on a forever basis you have three quarters of a chance, but the reason it’s called a chance is because there are no - and never will be - any guarantees. Chance has nothing to do with luck. Like opposite ends of a broom, both are useful but seldom used together.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Cards, Concepts and the Color of Jealosy
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have a woman friend and I want to give her a Valentine’s card but I am not so sure my wife will like the idea. For the record, the friend really is a friend. She is just a woman I know and admire. My question is how do I go about this and still be a sensitive husband? By the way, I would also like to know why women are so jealous.
Scott, Santa Barbara
Dear Scott,
It is within the confines of true insanity to think there is anything remotely resembling “fair” when it comes to relationships. It is almost as ridiculous as having children make sure EVERYONE is included in the distribution of mass-produced Valentine’s cards which are signed by – everyone else. Don’t these do-gooding parents and teachers know that a really good valentine is supposed to be anonymous, and a matter of choice? Isn’t that part of the charm and fun, especially when five and flirting for the first time?
So speaking of choices, when it comes down to all the worthy people in one’s life, how does one go about the oh-so-delicate task of bestowing a heart-felt token on someone that is not the main event? Is it worth the potential trouble? Should there even be any trouble? Most importantly: Is the big V defined as a day for acknowledging only lovers and love or anyone that makes us happy? And when did the lover’s holiday turn into a festival for Hallmark? It seems that Valentine’s Day can spark as many questions as a potential wedding guest list!
This mass confusion isn’t all that surprising when one considers that for many, what really is on the end of Cupids arrow is not love, but security and well being. Just because shop windows are decked out in pink and red, doesn't mean that the green–eyed monster isn’t lurking just behind red roses somewhere. Jealousy knows no vacation, especially on a truly red-letter day; when hearts can turn hellacious and green mixed with red is just an ugly dingy brown.
Emotional evolution - or rather the lack of it - is what this color-coded collection of feelings is really all about. It would be nice to believe that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and that people have grown beyond the “petty” emotions that make for soap operas and reality-show-like dramas. The cold (as the ice around a champagne bottle) truth is that the vast majority haven’t - and it’s not looking like they ever will grow beyond being emotional “Mini-Me’s”.
It is an intrinsic fact that we all want to be our number one’s, well, number one. Anything that tramples on that becomes a threat - and whether we want to admit it or not, no one is completely immune from a heart shaped box of insecurity, be it big or really really really tiny. The possibility of a threat is felt not from our mature, grown-up, and well educated on all things physiological self, it is heard, seen and felt from the inner little self that isn’t always so sure about the big and scary world it lives in.
Sure as there are matching panties with bras, we are still at the mercy of our basic and primal need for survival, and therefore if within a relationship our partner feels a twinge of something that isn’t so wonderful, I think our job as a loving person is to listen, accept their minor insecurities, and respect their wishes. Whatever those wishes are. Perhaps if we felt more understood and loved, absolutely and completely, by that special other person - regardless of our idiosyncrasies and foibles - we would feel a bit safer and stronger in the world at large.
Darling Scott, and Boys and Girls: If intimacy and empathy are the milk and dark chocolates in the relationship box, security is the white one with the nuts. It isn’t crazy to admit that security feels really good and isn’t feeling good what it is all about? Isn’t that ultimately why we choose to be in a relationship? A healthy primary relationship is good for our health, both mental and physical. It bolsters our ego and gives us a refuge when we needed it. When something does all that, and finds excellent burritos at 10pm on a rainy night, it is more than alright to focus on one person and no one else. So right now, officially by the powers vested in me (by myself) as Santa Barbara’s very own Ambassotrix of Relationships, I hereby declare February 15th the day for cards that belong to friends but never lovers.
Have a naughty Valentine’s Day!
I have a woman friend and I want to give her a Valentine’s card but I am not so sure my wife will like the idea. For the record, the friend really is a friend. She is just a woman I know and admire. My question is how do I go about this and still be a sensitive husband? By the way, I would also like to know why women are so jealous.
Scott, Santa Barbara
Dear Scott,
It is within the confines of true insanity to think there is anything remotely resembling “fair” when it comes to relationships. It is almost as ridiculous as having children make sure EVERYONE is included in the distribution of mass-produced Valentine’s cards which are signed by – everyone else. Don’t these do-gooding parents and teachers know that a really good valentine is supposed to be anonymous, and a matter of choice? Isn’t that part of the charm and fun, especially when five and flirting for the first time?
So speaking of choices, when it comes down to all the worthy people in one’s life, how does one go about the oh-so-delicate task of bestowing a heart-felt token on someone that is not the main event? Is it worth the potential trouble? Should there even be any trouble? Most importantly: Is the big V defined as a day for acknowledging only lovers and love or anyone that makes us happy? And when did the lover’s holiday turn into a festival for Hallmark? It seems that Valentine’s Day can spark as many questions as a potential wedding guest list!
This mass confusion isn’t all that surprising when one considers that for many, what really is on the end of Cupids arrow is not love, but security and well being. Just because shop windows are decked out in pink and red, doesn't mean that the green–eyed monster isn’t lurking just behind red roses somewhere. Jealousy knows no vacation, especially on a truly red-letter day; when hearts can turn hellacious and green mixed with red is just an ugly dingy brown.
Emotional evolution - or rather the lack of it - is what this color-coded collection of feelings is really all about. It would be nice to believe that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and that people have grown beyond the “petty” emotions that make for soap operas and reality-show-like dramas. The cold (as the ice around a champagne bottle) truth is that the vast majority haven’t - and it’s not looking like they ever will grow beyond being emotional “Mini-Me’s”.
It is an intrinsic fact that we all want to be our number one’s, well, number one. Anything that tramples on that becomes a threat - and whether we want to admit it or not, no one is completely immune from a heart shaped box of insecurity, be it big or really really really tiny. The possibility of a threat is felt not from our mature, grown-up, and well educated on all things physiological self, it is heard, seen and felt from the inner little self that isn’t always so sure about the big and scary world it lives in.
Sure as there are matching panties with bras, we are still at the mercy of our basic and primal need for survival, and therefore if within a relationship our partner feels a twinge of something that isn’t so wonderful, I think our job as a loving person is to listen, accept their minor insecurities, and respect their wishes. Whatever those wishes are. Perhaps if we felt more understood and loved, absolutely and completely, by that special other person - regardless of our idiosyncrasies and foibles - we would feel a bit safer and stronger in the world at large.
Darling Scott, and Boys and Girls: If intimacy and empathy are the milk and dark chocolates in the relationship box, security is the white one with the nuts. It isn’t crazy to admit that security feels really good and isn’t feeling good what it is all about? Isn’t that ultimately why we choose to be in a relationship? A healthy primary relationship is good for our health, both mental and physical. It bolsters our ego and gives us a refuge when we needed it. When something does all that, and finds excellent burritos at 10pm on a rainy night, it is more than alright to focus on one person and no one else. So right now, officially by the powers vested in me (by myself) as Santa Barbara’s very own Ambassotrix of Relationships, I hereby declare February 15th the day for cards that belong to friends but never lovers.
Have a naughty Valentine’s Day!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Aim High and Fire Well
Dear Miss Kitty,
I am sure you are well aware that Valentine’s Day (your favorite holiday???) is fast approaching and I have to confess, it is my least favorite. It seems that female expectations run high and there is no choice but to participate in the frenzy. I really don’t want to. I don’t want to be told when I should show love for my girl. The whole thing is worse than Christmas. If I don’t do anything-am I dog?
Dave, Santa Barbara
Dear Dave,
Gestures of romance along with the songs that conjure up the sweetest of memories - the tokens that tell someone they are indeed special - are never wrong on any day. As ancient pagans had days of worship to honor the changing of seasons and the mysteries of life, we modern-day men and women have our days to show respect, love and compassion. What do you think the 4th of July is really about? Hot dogs? However, it can be true, that with the passing of time some of the original intent becomes a bit faded or over-hyped. Look at all the silliness surrounding the recent Sunday Super-ball toss. Sometimes there is little to remind us of a red letter day’s significant origins and then it does seems like something to hide from within the safe and comforting confines of a dog house.
When we do choose to reflect on either the original meaning or the more personal rituals we have installed into our own reality - a day becomes a day which is not like any other, and isn’t that is what Valentine’s is really all about? Taking time to make one day really special, no matter what your personal opinion of Hallmark might be? Pardon my highly idealistic ruminations of the subject, but isn’t love all about loving someone by their definition of love?
There are a few, the proud, the men and women that knowingly convey the deep and abiding love they feel for their SO on a daily basis. There are others that, a bit less often than everyday, manage to reconnect their romance, even with all the business that is life. There is still another group, the after a fight or when they take a vacation contingent that manage to put something into the relationship pot of gold. Over all, most of us never say I love you enough and more importantly really mean it when we say it.
Sure we love our person, but are we really invested in feeling it when we say it? Is saying it and meaning it- but not REALLY feeling it alright? As long as we remember to say it, doesn’t it count? Let’s be honest. There are times that we do say it but we are certainly not really in the present moment enough to be MEANING it in a way that conveys all that little word really means. Some of the time, that is alright…no one is that perfect or should ever feel that much pressure.
Therefore Valentine’s Day is a glorious opportunity dressed up in hearts and flowers along with the hit man of all time…Cupid. Ready, fire and aiming to put an arrow where we really want it. Right in the center of a heart. To make a heart-stopping moment and complete awareness present. A chance to make the two a one again, reflect on just why this particular relationship exists and then enjoy it! ( Remember that reminiscing about the “old days’ is guaranteed to bring you closer than fleas on a dog!)
So is all the hoo-haa because some people (read men) don’t like the commercialization of such a moment? The roses, the candy, the lingerie (of course!) are tools. As is a turkey, a string of lights or a bottle of Super Bowl beer. (Ever wonder why the Super bowl is just before Valentine’s? I do.)
The tool is the honest feeling in print so to speak. It becomes a tangible not done every day gesture to make someone feel really good. Now, if you love someone why would you not want to participate? Is this the hill you really want to die on? Literally?
Darling Dave, and Boys and Girls, one caveat here - if you really don’t feel the love, don’t play. That is hypocrisy and there is nothing romantic about that. If fact, I have spoken with Cupid and you will be shot on site (poison dart-not the love one) and no one will have any sympathy for you.
The best part of love is always the authentic real deal. The ways in which to say it are as many as there are couples. And Dave, seriously no one goes to jail for using daisy’s instead of roses or really big cookies instead of dinner. They only thing that might be a confusing message is crotch less panties (god forbid!) instead of something with a bit more coverage! So say it how you mean it, but for loves’ sake and yours…mean it when you say it and mean it often.
Have a naughty day!
I am sure you are well aware that Valentine’s Day (your favorite holiday???) is fast approaching and I have to confess, it is my least favorite. It seems that female expectations run high and there is no choice but to participate in the frenzy. I really don’t want to. I don’t want to be told when I should show love for my girl. The whole thing is worse than Christmas. If I don’t do anything-am I dog?
Dave, Santa Barbara
Dear Dave,
Gestures of romance along with the songs that conjure up the sweetest of memories - the tokens that tell someone they are indeed special - are never wrong on any day. As ancient pagans had days of worship to honor the changing of seasons and the mysteries of life, we modern-day men and women have our days to show respect, love and compassion. What do you think the 4th of July is really about? Hot dogs? However, it can be true, that with the passing of time some of the original intent becomes a bit faded or over-hyped. Look at all the silliness surrounding the recent Sunday Super-ball toss. Sometimes there is little to remind us of a red letter day’s significant origins and then it does seems like something to hide from within the safe and comforting confines of a dog house.
When we do choose to reflect on either the original meaning or the more personal rituals we have installed into our own reality - a day becomes a day which is not like any other, and isn’t that is what Valentine’s is really all about? Taking time to make one day really special, no matter what your personal opinion of Hallmark might be? Pardon my highly idealistic ruminations of the subject, but isn’t love all about loving someone by their definition of love?
There are a few, the proud, the men and women that knowingly convey the deep and abiding love they feel for their SO on a daily basis. There are others that, a bit less often than everyday, manage to reconnect their romance, even with all the business that is life. There is still another group, the after a fight or when they take a vacation contingent that manage to put something into the relationship pot of gold. Over all, most of us never say I love you enough and more importantly really mean it when we say it.
Sure we love our person, but are we really invested in feeling it when we say it? Is saying it and meaning it- but not REALLY feeling it alright? As long as we remember to say it, doesn’t it count? Let’s be honest. There are times that we do say it but we are certainly not really in the present moment enough to be MEANING it in a way that conveys all that little word really means. Some of the time, that is alright…no one is that perfect or should ever feel that much pressure.
Therefore Valentine’s Day is a glorious opportunity dressed up in hearts and flowers along with the hit man of all time…Cupid. Ready, fire and aiming to put an arrow where we really want it. Right in the center of a heart. To make a heart-stopping moment and complete awareness present. A chance to make the two a one again, reflect on just why this particular relationship exists and then enjoy it! ( Remember that reminiscing about the “old days’ is guaranteed to bring you closer than fleas on a dog!)
So is all the hoo-haa because some people (read men) don’t like the commercialization of such a moment? The roses, the candy, the lingerie (of course!) are tools. As is a turkey, a string of lights or a bottle of Super Bowl beer. (Ever wonder why the Super bowl is just before Valentine’s? I do.)
The tool is the honest feeling in print so to speak. It becomes a tangible not done every day gesture to make someone feel really good. Now, if you love someone why would you not want to participate? Is this the hill you really want to die on? Literally?
Darling Dave, and Boys and Girls, one caveat here - if you really don’t feel the love, don’t play. That is hypocrisy and there is nothing romantic about that. If fact, I have spoken with Cupid and you will be shot on site (poison dart-not the love one) and no one will have any sympathy for you.
The best part of love is always the authentic real deal. The ways in which to say it are as many as there are couples. And Dave, seriously no one goes to jail for using daisy’s instead of roses or really big cookies instead of dinner. They only thing that might be a confusing message is crotch less panties (god forbid!) instead of something with a bit more coverage! So say it how you mean it, but for loves’ sake and yours…mean it when you say it and mean it often.
Have a naughty day!
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