All I Want for Christmas

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been going out with my BF for 11 months. We have a great relationship, talk about the future and he acts like he loves me, but he has never said the magic words. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and all I really want is for him to say, “I love you.” Is this setting myself up or being true to myself?
Waiting under the Mistletoe


Dear Waiting:
When Christmas morning rolls around wouldn’t be amazing, if under the fragrant tree, there was a pile of beautifully wrapped, empty boxes. Silky ribbons lavishly tied around them, they contain the invisible, but vitally important presents that really matter to us. Detailed instructions included of course, to make sure we understand both the value and the implied messages that are inherent in such precious gifts. We un-wrap them in wonder, to discover the tangible manifestations of what we need - alongside the harder-to-pin-down aspects of ethereal wants.

Put “truth”, that most magnificent of all treasures right on the top of the pile, with all the tricky little accessories that come with it. The multitude of small parts that are so easy to lose, but necessary if the complex gift is going to work at full, honest capacity. If you are giving this priceless gift, you will need to purchase a guarantee for this one - and make sure it is a lifetime guarantee which covers parts and labor. Lots of labor, for it is a labor of love to maintain this valuable bequest, and keep track of those tiny little pieces that don’t always seem important until you find one of them missing.

The next box, wrapped up in silver paper with a deep blue velvet bow, just screaming, “Open me first!” is “Time”. The simple pleasure of more than a moment and less than a lifetime; the freeing satisfaction of having someone else do something special, just for you. When Miss K was a mere credit card-less kitten, scribbling away making homemade coupons for cups of tea and car washes, she never knew the value of what she was giving away. Now a grown up and perpetually busy cat, the idea of truly free time – time that is all yours - is on par with zero calorie cinnamon rolls. It’s always treasured to give of yourself, even if your tea-making skills would get you fired at the local Starbucks.

Wrapped in the most exquisite, but difficult to open box, “I love you” is the ultimate gift of no return and no exchange. You are not only giving of yourself, but making a commitment of never-ending work. And this is the best sort of work – a true labor of love. The Lego castle of love has endless pieces, instructions that are sometimes indecipherable and pending revision on most days, and when the castle gets stepped on by life, you have to put in the time and energy to put it back together again. When combined with the gift of truth and an unwavering commitment, sometimes the rebuild is even better and stronger than the original.

So darling Boys, Girls and Waiting, when shopping this holiday season, think about what your giving, not what your getting and head to the mall of the ultimate gifts - where price is no object and the payment plans are always reasonable. You can wrap up some truth, throw in some time and know that your gift is not only as good as it gets, but the recipient will think it is even more precious and treasured than you could have ever imagined.

Have a naughty holiday!

Missing Trees and Holiday Spirit

When Miss K was a mere kitten, at this time of year Christmas trees were everywhere. In fact, State Street during Christmas smelled like one big can of Wizard Evergreen air freshener. This year, try as I might, there is little pine scented air to be whiffed; as it seems the tree lots are now as scarce as mistletoe in The Raiders locker room.

In the absence of a real-McCoy pine tree, is the unmistakable and NOT memory evocable, scent of fake, plastic, undying and never lived, “tree”-in–a-box. For $59.95 holiday fake-tree can be set up in minutes, with lights already strung (perfectly, as if Chinese engineers had carefully measured their exact relative position) and bendable wire branches ready for the Martha Stewart set of antique vintage made-last-month-in-China-decorations (perfectly coordinated to go with Martha’s made-in-China-last-month guest towels in the bathroom). Is there anything so obviously inferior to the real thing as this sad and sorry imitation of an icon of Holiday expression?

Did you know that late in the Middle Ages, Germans and Scandinavians placed evergreen trees inside their homes or just outside their doors to show their hope in the forthcoming spring? Our modern Christmas tree evolved from these early traditions and the Christmas tree market was born in 1851 when Catskill farmer Mark Carr hauled two ox sleds of evergreens into New York City and sold them all.

By 1900, one in five American families had a Christmas tree, and 20 years later, the custom was nearly universal, until the relatively recent arrival of trees-in-box. Just like its cousin, wine-in-a-box, the fake trees will never be able to really compete with the original. The guilty feeling that is isn’t quite right - and is a bit of cheating- overwhelms the ease and convenience (not to mention the missing out on the ever-popular annual lashing of the tree to the car roof top antics).

Like a burnt out Rudolph, now lost in the dark, is the slow demise of the Christmas Tree- the free squirrel jungle gym, the Hilton for the birds and a long standing tradition dating back centuries, that bit of out-doors brought inside for so many reasons, a sign? Does it point to how much of our lives are less than real in exchange for convenience or lack of thinking through, just why we need our rituals? In a world where we can see as much plastic walking around as there is in an Toys are Us store, just how much deluding is really gone on after all?

Regardless of what propaganda Camp Jaded is spouting this holiday season, real is always better. It can take some thought to sort through and find the real sometimes. The Grinch platform espouses that there shouldn’t be an expected time of year to give gifts. “We are being told by consumerism to do so, therefore it isn’t real”. Baa Humbug! Gift giving is a beautiful thing. Just like your mommy told you: the joy really does belong to the giver - and if there is a time of year that we need to get in touch with that joy, at least we can give Permission to ourselves to do so at this special time of year, and that makes it real.

Rituals are a necessary and lovely part of being human. It is never trite and empty to acknowledge what makes us feel good. Maybe the most beautiful part of traditions is they remind us of our personal history and give us hope and comfort when we need it. Maybe when lives are changing as fast as a kid tearing though wrapping paper, we need the clock to slow down enough to let us see that some things, even if they have changed, for better or for worse, have an element of sameness. Some things will always be, even if the form changes through the years.

Like an old and much loved Christmas Angel, with broken wings, dog bite marks and patchy glitter, gazing down from the top of a real tree, finding the real and poignant reasons that we celebrate this season the way we do, is well worth the work and cost. “Truly priceless” is as overused an expression as “I love you”, but when you take the time and sit with your holiday rituals, you can remember what is real, for you, and then it all makes sense.

Have a naughty day!

The Story Continues

When the cake is all but a sweet memory and life has settled back into the normal day to day, is it any wonder that there is a strange sense of disconnectedness of the reality of making one of the biggest of life changes. Sometimes if it were not for the pictures one would wonder if it had all been a dream.

When leaving such a high level of romantic emotion, there is inevitably a backlash. As hard as it is for a 4 year old to graciously leave Disneyland, it hard to come down from the awesome heights of a wedding, a magnificent moment of un-rivaled spiritual passion, or the date of a lifetime.

Whether one gently floats back to down the earth or falls without ceremony, hard and fast back in to reality, the lessons learned must be the real memory stick in which to revisit the most recent and glorious past, and bring it, with a more subtle level of intensity into the every day.

The edges of the promises made should not dull and blur with the passing of time, but remain as sharp and clear as the metal that now encircles your finger. Regardless of the veil of newness, the promises made are now put into practice as never before and will be there to test not only your love, but whom you are as person. Along side all the partnerships that now exist within your newly created relationship, is the ultimate key to unlocking and setting free anything that still echoes from the past and has the power to bring you tumbling down again and again.

Love does not lift you up to where you belong; it is the vehicle for your values and integrity to shine on the best possible path, along side your beloved for as long as you can.

As promised Dear Boys and Girls, here are the pictures from the wedding…so now you may refer to us as Mrs. Rocketman and Mr. Kitty.

Have a naughty day!

Little Black Dresses and Waiting for the phone

Dear Miss Kitty,
I recently met this man I really like and gave him my phone number. He called, has visited me at work, but hasn’t asked me out. My friends say I should ask him. I am a girlie-girl and have NEVER asked a guy out yet. It doesn’t feel right to me, but should I bite the bullet and just do it? My friends say yes, what do you say?
Shelley


Darling Shelley,
As terrified as I am, that thousands of old and badly burnt bras will rise up from a 60’s landfill and strangle me, do NOT ask him out. I firmly (love that word) believe that there is beautiful wisdom in respecting what is “natural” to our own gender, and acting within those boundaries. It makes the whole relationship dance much smoother when everyone involved knows what the steps are, and the steps make sense on so many levels. Even better than that, it feeds the deep and hidden part of us, which hasn’t been colored by popular thought on what is right and wrong for relationships, and operates on a level more harmonious with getting our deepest needs actually realized. Imagine that.

Being who we are and taking the time to work through exactly what that means, and how to “act it “, is what serves us best, within any of life’s areas, but especially when it comes to relationships. It takes more courage to accept and honor what it means to be a woman, or a man, then it does to play rebel and buck the system for sport, or think that we are actually improving the game. Like Monopoly, dating is best played when using the official rules. (Although at Miss Kitty’s house, using chocolate houses/hotels and eating them, is allowed)

Throughout history there has been so much confusion about what it means to be a man or a woman, so much turmoil, that the pendulum has swung hard enough in all directions to knock just about everything, including basic masculine and feminine behaviors and values, right off the pedestal and into the dirt.

In that mud bath, (although our skins are now silky and smooth), we have questioned basics and come up with complicated answers and behaviors, gone out of our way to “try on” new and improved operating procedures, when “simple” works so well. It is not anything but obvious that bra burning seemed like a good idea, but it has backfired in many ways and torching all that excellent support was just sad!

Confusion reigns when masculinity and femininity are misinterpreted as having something to do with intellect, ability or emotions. When in reality, they are comfortable countries in which to know the customs is to have a good time.

When a man asks you out, and you say yes, you put a fragile, sensitive and harder- than- you- would -think request, into a positively excellent place for both of you. Point #1 you know the man is interested in you without questions. #2 He knows that you are interested in him. If you did the asking, he might say yes for reasons that have nothing to do with really being interested in you. Odds are, you wouldn’t be so likely to do so. Being in touch with what is inherent in being a man or a woman, keeps a very delicate balance in place. It leaves men able to be men, real wonderful manly men. And women, if they so choose to be girlie-girls, with no apologies necessary.

I am sure that a deluge of email will follow this little number, but like a good black cocktail dress, which is ALWAYS being appropriate for evening, think it through before you get out the matches and the undergarments.

Have a naughty day!

Mr. Johnson, Batman and the rituals of love

“Another bride, Another June; Another sunny honey moon. Another season, Another reason - For makin' whoopee. A lot of shoes, a lot of rice; the groom is nervous he answers twice. It’s so killin that he's so willin' - To make whoopee.”

To Miss Kitty, the shoe part has never made sense (unless this is the part where groom discovers bride's serious obsession with foot ware), but does the last refrain really tell it like it is?

A honeymoon, quoted 18th century writer, Samuel Johnson (or the 1769 version of Dr. Phil)…"is the first month after marriage, when there is nothing but tenderness and pleasure; having no reference to the period of a month, but comparing the mutual affection of newly-married persons to the changing moon which is no sooner full than it begins to wane". So… what happens when the honeymoon is over? Is “settling down”, settling? And if it is, settling for what exactly?

Throughout history, men and women have had some very different reasons for marriage. The evolution of what marriage means has also gone through some Cirque du Soleil style gyrations. Just what are the various roles that a husband and wife (or wife and wife or husband and husband) play? Sounds confusing, doesn’t it? Knowing your role, defining your part and embodying it on a daily basis, makes marriage a secure and safe harbor. There are schools of thought, (usually chaired by students playing with the concept of freedom) that say that true freedom has no rules. But rules actually allow us real freedom - and one of the rules of a successful relationship is really understanding your intimate role within it.

A loving partner, regardless of where one stands on the “business side” of a relationship, desires all the romantic aspects that are part and parcel of a long- term relationship. There are differences - and therein lie the ties that truly bind us, and confuse us.

To get really clear, lets start with the most basic and misunderstood desire of all: the desire of intimate loving. Believe it not, most woman hold that particular torch high up, just like the statue of liberty. This all-important flame cannot be quenched by financial comforts (or shoes) and there is a limit to what relationships outside the partnership can provide. (I am speaking of friends, and not THAT kind.)

When you choose a life-partner, there are attributes that must be part of the package. Put in another way, if you are choosing one golf buddy for the rest of your golfing career, they better know how to hit the ball into the hole. But unlike golf, intimacy within a long-term partnership brings a spiritual awareness like nothing else. Would the church elders agree that spiritually is a large component of the bedroom too?

I am not saying you don’t have to get up from bed and go to church because you are already “there”, but if you look closely, within the blanket of true love, there are some patterns very similar to a religious ceremony going on.

It is no accident that love has as many rituals as an Easter Service and no one would deny that when being in love and loving, there's a whole lot of spirituality going on. It is mistake to not acknowledge that there is great sanctity at work when a couple honors each other intimately.

“Holy crazy lusty platforms, Batman. I know she is getting married tomorrow, but this is going too far” “Get a grip Robin, she is only exploring the known bat-component of primary asymmetry in bat-intimacy, which means each part of the couple can concentrate on their bat-desires, outside of the bat-relationship, because within the intimate part of the bat-relationship there is this high level of spirit, explored and cemented though true bat-intimacy - and she is not just talking about bat-sex. And now to the bat-cave, Robin - I have a wedding to go to and I need my bat-tux.”

A wedding is just a starting place, not an end. A honeymoon is not a month or a first year, it is a way to be - forever. A conscience disciplined way of relating, with boundless rewards, which translates into a prosperous life, full of health, success and happiness that knows no bounds.

Have a VERY naughty day!

P.S. Due to the fact that Miss Kitty and RocketMan will be on their Honeymoon (oh behave!) Kitty in the City and Life Ain’t Rocket Science will be taking a break next week in the ever-fabulous Santa Barbara Daily Sound.

Vows, Promises, and Warranties

Vows, Promises and Warranties
I am currently writing, with my beloved, our wedding ceremony. We decided that nothing already written could ever convey how we feel about each other and what marriage means to us. Through the process, a recurring question has been coming into my mind. When thinking through what you will promise to someone else, just who is the vow really for? It isn’t as obvious as you might think.

Why is it that for thousands of years, humans have decided that making a commitment to another is one of the highest spiritual, philosophical and sophisticated levels that we can obtain as mere mortals? A special day is set aside for our poignant pledges (or at the very least a poignant moment or two). But when we make a pledge to another human being, fully aware of our truth, are we making a promise, vow, and/or warranty for them - or for ourselves? Are we clarifying our love or our concerns? Is being fully aware the real answer?

Whether we are bride, groom or guest, weddings bring so much that is to be human to the forefront of our awareness. The moments experienced are so touching, even pain within the joy. Our own romances, past, present and future can flash across our memories while watching new memories being made. A wedding is not only a celebration of unity, it is the manifestation of a future that does not yet exist. It is a ceremony that focuses on our greatest of intentions through the vows we say - but is really limited to only anticipation of what we will do.

Love, and the promises we make in its light, are bound up in what we have learned from our past experiences and where we find ourselves now. On the special day, the present holds the promise of a future that is sparking, like crystal goblets in the sunlight. Wrapped up in silky gossamer threads, we make vows as part of a life that is yet unknown, except in pillow talk and of endless dreaming together.

Like lavender roses by the full moon, the future is mesmerizing, a brilliant light that teases from the dark of the unknown. And in the moment of right now, it is as perfect as the truths that a couple shares. That unknown future is a beacon, existing in the present that shines a clear light, which enables us to take our deepest and most sincere best and give it, with no strings attached, to our beloved in the form of a vow. Encased in such a love how could words not be anything but pure respect for our partner - and ourselves?

Is it possible to believe that, “to love, respect and forsake all others,” really means, “if you every cheat I will kill you and jail will be worth it?” Is that what we are asking? IS what we ask what we are afraid might happen? In this day and age of so many failed marriages, where wedding cake is messily forced into the mouth of a new spouse, and respect is as unusual as golden anniversaries, maybe it isn’t a wonder at all. It seems that promises can easily be broken, vows thrown away like last nights Chinese take-out, and rings, once treasured for the commitment they signified, melted down back into the nothingness they now represent.

Not a thread of fear, doubt or wedding jitters exists when a level of commitment is a deep and serious love. It is carried within every moment of time and piece of existence, giving no room for anything less than the highest level of integrity. That you can believe.

There can be moments of restlessness that might find its way into love, but with a lack of nothing, we are safe. We make and hear what our lover wishes to give us. It is an open and wondrous place of gentle peace and contentment.

When vows are said, it is nothing that has not already been spoken of. But in the presence of a sacred moment, time can stop to honor the vision that is being born. So Dear Boys and Girls, vows are something extraordinary, something indescribably brilliant…the opportunity to be divine for each other and for always. This may be carved from deep longing for something better than we have ever had, or something we have always held out for, but besides what is said, what we choose to give our lover as the best gift is hearing the boundless promises of raw and real love that we hear in our hearts, whenever our partner speaks.

Have a naughty day!

The Year of The Question

On this, the one-year anniversary of Kitty in the City, let’s take a stroll down memory lane and see what the year has brought in the way of romance. Have we learned our lessons the hard - but final – way, and made space in our worlds for the love of a lifetime? Are we playing in the virtual playground of Internet dating? Are we safe, secure and content in a relationship that has lasted at least as long as a cell phone contract but doesn’t have as many restrictions?

The dragon, the goat and the snake may have had their years, but in Miss Kitty’s world, it has been the year of the questions. Sent from men and woman in equal amounts, all wanting more than a grain of reason about the eternal struggle for truth across the vast expanse of Planet Relationship. So, Boys and Girls, after being together a year, sharing introspective rationale for why we do what we do and looking together for answers, Miss Kitty has decided to go for the big one - since size does matter after all. Yes, the absolutely most frequently asked question is…



Dear Miss Kitty: How do I find real and lasting love?

The first stop on the road to true love, and love with truth, starts with the self and always will. The first love of your life has to be you, in all your radiant glory. For when a man or a woman is self reliant and strong he or she becomes sexy and desirable to others. What makes this person so attractive is that he or she is living a life with purpose. One must first cater to the self, to real needs and wants, and supply whatever is necessary for continued personal growth. Equal helpings from the self-esteem pyramid must be incorporated into daily life, via fun, friendships and paying your own emotional way to maintain a healthy sense of whom you are at all times.

Believe in compromise, but never sacrifice and most importantly, never let go of your core values for anyone or anything. Values will upgrade as you grow, but decisions about a deep and meaningful personal foundation are yours alone to be at peace with. This platform must be maintained at all times, for if it slips away, the self is harmed along with the primary relationship, regardless of the relationship’s stage of development.

If this mantle of goddess or god does slide away, there is nothing worthwhile for one to reflect back into their partner’s eyes - and the relationship withers and dies. One thing we truly desire in our partners is that they hold us up to a high, yet believable standard. They are the ultimate loving mirror of what we are and what we can be. This is love - and without a clear and precise reflection, love does not last.

A relationship is the final test of where we are as a person. If and when we find ourselves in a less than desirable place, living an existence of mediocrity or dwelling deep within the confines of mental or physical ropes of desperation, it means that we have work to do. There is no easy way around but to find our path, even if that means a whole lot of heartache. If we truly value and love ourselves we might stay enmeshed for awhile (the reasons no one, including our self needs to understand) but we wouldn’t stay beyond the obvious moment when truth became stranger than fiction. A reasonable cost is the relationship, but never the loss of the self.

Let today, October 12, 2007, be the New Years Eve of romance in your life. Make your resolutions - and remember there is no limit about what you want, how to get it and why you want it. Raise a glass to wherever in Romance Land you find yourself today and know that the gift of one’s self - whole and complete - is really as good as it gets. Thanks for a year of excellent questions, love and of course, lots of kisses!

Have a naughty day!

Miss Kitty’s “Guide to Keyboard Love” Chapter 3 - Profile Perfect

Dear Miss Kitty,
How do you write, in 250 words or less, clearly enough about yourself to convey who you really are? Can anyone do this successfully? Based upon this concern, I worry about the never ending process of having a cup of coffee and then realizing there is no connection. How do I convey the information necessary to that someone else has the best chance of knowing who I am sooner than later?
G


Dear G,
To get someone else to perk up and select our profile over the countless others available, takes putting forth a glowing enough personal synopsis to be intriguing, which is also heavily enough based in reality so there is a good chance of a connection when you actually meet. Apparently this is harder than making Mars a potential vacation destination within the next one hundred years. Is this part of the process really necessary? Couldn’t one just loosely sketch out a few likes and dislikes and rely on the whole thing being a numbers game?

Even though in many respects internet dating is a numbers game (don’t fool yourself - so is conventional dating) being really clear about who you are in this world has several benefits to the online dater. The better you know yourself, the easier it is to find that seemingly elusive relationship. When we focus on what we want, instead of what we don’t, someone wonderful is much more likely to find us and the only way to do that is to start the process with a well-written personal profile. Reality says there is no way anyone can convey everything within the space-limited structure that is allowed, but you can convey enough to make someone raise an eyebrow, smile and want to know more.

That is the idea behind a really good profile. Instead of saying you like red wine and old movies …get specific. “I like taking out a dusty bottle of red, that I have been saving from a tour of the Napa Valley and watching Rear Window with lots of pillows in the middle of the afternoon. “ This thirty five word scenario paints a picture that gives the reader a lot to think about. Not only will it elicit a better than average response, it will simultaneously weed out folks that would never understand why you would find that a nice way to pass the time and this particular factor is really important.

Not only does a profile give you an unprecedented way to explore who you are right now, it is like throwing a strong but little net right into the middle of what you want to catch, instead of a giant net, carelessly thrown just anywhere - that garnishes a lot of stuff you just have to throw back. Unless you really have a high tolerance for small talk and caffeine you want to work the weeding-out process from the beginning.

Have a naughty day!

Miss Kitty’s “Guide to Keyboard Love,” Chapter 2

Dear Miss Kitty,
Thanks to your inspiring column last week. After 3 years of thinking about it, I decided to start on-line dating. After reading though hundreds of profiles, I wonder how many white lies are scattered between the nice walks on the beach and the obligatory tuxedo shot? Also if someone is searching for a sf 30-40, even though I am a very young (really) 42, they won’t find me. How do you work around the constraints?
Finally Seeking Satisfaction


Dear Seeking Satisfaction,
Remember back to the elementary school playground….can you recall that most haunting of refrains? “What you say is what you are!”. Let me be the first to tell you, after all these years, it’s true. We really are who we say we are - but is anybody really listening when we tell them? In the case of digesting profiles for potential dating consumption, how do you know that someone is who they say they are? Most everyone tells you exactly who they are right up front, whether they realize it or not. The trick is in believing your inner voice, before the voice is drowned out by your chemical reactions and wishful thinking.

Actions may speak volumes, but current choices are on display within a date or two - like the whole DVD collection instead of a single episode. (Nice to be able to re-play a scene over and over until you get it). Anyone that tells you a habit is on the way out or they are in a “transition” phase is, unless they are a molting bird, is really saying, this is who I am. Believe them. In other words, trying to quit smoking is still smoking, and where there is smoke there is fire.

Learning anything worthwhile and getting good at it, takes practice; and on-line dating is no exception. It takes a keen eye to read between the lines, or is it lies? Part of the white lie problem isn’t so much that would-be daters are psycho-lying-hounds-of-deception; the problem is working around the search parameters.

Since there are less professional writers than there are would be daters, sites make it easier by offering set choices while filling in personal profile information. For example, there are about five body types to choose from, none of which resemble most would-be daters. Boys and Girls, they are a guideline only, but choosing the closest to your real type is generally the idea. “Athletic” generally means more muscle on display than fat, and in the blue states, “curvy” generally is code for silicone, although not always…and that is just one of the questions!

Filters are set up to weed through and making searching easier, and there lies (pun intended) the temptation to work the system. A few less years, children or pounds are not uncommon to run across - all gentle attempts to widen the net as to appeal to more potential e-daters.

Is this lying? Miss K, hates, detests and spits up fur balls over lying - however, when trying to out-maneuver software, there isn’t always anywhere else to go. Good rule of thumb is if you are working the system to make the system work better for you, tell it like it is as soon as possible and explain why! Your newest partner just may be a partner in profile crime, confess the few extra years, and be the love of your life. In other words, there is only so much a profile can convey and what you read may not be all it seems, but not necessarily bad. Internet dating is only the first step in getting to know someone. It is a virtual dating playground, with its own rules, which you can learn. But eventually the playground must have some concrete to stand on with face-to-face conversation, so that you can have all your feelers out reading between, above and below the lines of communication.

Have a naughty day!

Defense, offense, and when to make a play!

Dear Miss Kitty,
I was married for 19 years, and recently became single. The last time I was dating, personal ads were for the people that couldn’t get a date. I hear times have changed, and I am open to Internet dating, but I wonder if it is safe and what is the best way to go about it?
Candy



Dear Candy:
It is currently in-vogue for people to say that there are only two things in the world: fear and love - and that everything emanates from one of these two factors. Common belief is widespread that fear-based decisions are as dreadful as a squirrel running out of lightly salted nuts mid-winter. For a wild thing in the forest, the only way to survive is on a steady diet of fear, and love will never, regardless of the cuteness factor, save your tail. So, if dating is indeed a jungle, when and where does it make sense to use fear - the instinctual part of us that saves our fluffy tail -when needed?

When we have narrowly escaped the confines of yet another mediocre relationship, or extricated ourselves from the long-term gallows of a big ticket learning experience, we find ourselves in the untamed and scary hunting wilderness once more. Dating protocol, like modern technology is a continuing evolving process. Not only do you have to know what you want before you start, be savvy enough to read between the match lines, and discerning enough to get out of dodge quickly, without catching your tail in the door if you want to make a swift getaway!

That being said, online dating is a blessing, not a curse as so many “new” daters, from the Dynasty era (Alexis Carrington, not Ming) might think. Once upon a time, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this” was considered a quasi-intellectual opening line. But just as big shoulder pads and Farah Fawcett hair will not get you the ohhhhh and ahhhhhs it once did, neither will using archaic, out-of-style dating techniques.

How we date gets the most improved in the last 20 years award from the Kitty in City “Annual improvements we can’t live without” contest. So, while humming Jenny’s phone number or singing along to The Cars vinyl, peruse the possibilities of dating online, along with the first part of the official MK “Guide to Keyboard Love” series, which débuts right now. This week we will concentrate on pictures, which seem to cause high levels of anxiety and since a picture says a thousand words, that’s a great place to start.

When painting the Mona Lisa, there were certainly a few moments when Mona was having a bad hair day. We don’t see that on the canvas, because Leonardo had the sense to take those days off and wait for things to improve. People posting pictures of them selves online are not always so wise. Perusing the online photo galleries, we run across the very dated (Farah Fawcett hair in 2007?), the slightly inappropriate (“here I am with Rico the stripper at my bachelorette party”) and the “my friends took this when I wasn’t looking, but I don’t have anything better and you should look beyond a picture anyway”…photos.

Within reason, looking beyond a picture is good advice. Professional models take hundreds of photos to get a few good ones, so it goes without saying that we mere mortals are doing pretty well if we get something with a digital camera on a local beach that doesn’t cause major embarrassment It takes practice to become really comfortable in front of the camera. Just ask Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. The most important aspect in this case, is a decent, current picture. It’s only fair - and that prospective web God or Goddess is going to know if you Photoshop your head onto Brad Pitt’s body or use the overly-costly senior pic from your “innocent” glory days. For you men, a montage of your “action man” lifestyle is not as appreciated as you might think, nor is you getting cozy with a previous lover (even if their face is blacked out) in the one “tux” shot you have. In fact, unless you really are James Bond, a tux shot is not necessary.

Pictures of your travels are interesting, but even smarter to use if you have actually been there, and it’s always good to limit the GQ poses, even if you are reclining in a Venetian gondola! Photos that only mothers can love, should be given the acid test from your true friends. It might be cute on mom’s Christmas cards, but to the cyber masses, it’s like garlic and a silver cross to Dracula.

For the ladies, only one yoga pose, one cat picture - and look like your self, not a victim of the cosmetics counter during Lancome free gift week. Chant after me: I am a beautiful goddess in my semi-natural state, I am a beautiful goddess in my semi-natural state. DO this 13 times and then have a no-fat fake-cream no-sugar latte on me.

Looking into the details of a picture can give crucial information. Ten pictures of you and Spot are a good indicator that spot takes pride in his place on your bed and ALWAYS will. Countless pictures of you with a beer in your hand and a Girls Gone Wild T-Shirt on will not elicit the kind of response that will lead you to the altar, if that is where you would like to be going. And speaking of altars, having clear intent about what you want to do in the big, wide world of dating is great - but so is the fun and interesting journey to finding just what that might be.

Stay tuned for next Friday’s gripping and informative Miss Kitty’s “Guide to Keyboard Love” chapter two: “What you think you want and what you really want”. Until then -

Have a naughty day!

Bodesatva on Elm Street and the lifeboat of deeper commitment

Dear Miss Kitty,
My GF and I just moved in together. I still love her but I don’t know if I am, “in love” with her. What happened? Why did it go away? I thought this was going to be so good and we could get even closer?
Scott K



When starting a new job; before we fill in a W-2 and drink that very first cup of company-provided java, we have a good idea of what to expect. The manual is in black, white, and ten point type. As a relationship changes and the comfortable wading pool of dating turns into the more substantial yet potentially dangerous ocean of deeper commitment, there is no manual - and the only lifeboat is the basic foundation that is the relationships core.

The dating self that you were (hopefully) was the real you, but now needs some adjustment for the new venue. That doesn’t mean that you yourself have changed, but it is only natural that the new situation is going to bring unfamiliar things up for the both of you. Does maintaining your own true self, your single self, mean that is the best way to be? Maybe the transition time of deepening a relationship is the perfect time to take your own self awareness to a better place. That being said, whether dipping your toes for the first, second or third time, transition takes mutual courage. A first class ticket (treat each other very well) on a very slow boat (it is going to take time) is the safest way to get to the best possible destination: a new level of togetherness.

Thinking that you are going to live well together, without some uncomfortable adjustments along the way, is like listening to Steely Dan’s “Bodesatva” and thinking you’re a Buddhist. It takes dedication and good old fashioned time to harvest the nourishment that is a life partnership. There is no magic time capsule to whisk you ahead of the things, both the big and small that will raise their sneaky little tentacles out of the inky deep and try to draw you - if not under - at least off course.

Pleasing your partner in the beginning belongs to the innocence of newness. Aspects of pleasing each other become a scary change when all of sudden those antique candelabras, once lit up for a romantic passion-filled night are now referred to as “set decoration from of Nightmare on Elm Street”. All of a sudden what goes where or relegating your “art” to the back of the garage can be like a big dose of chlorine in the otherwise tranquil pool. The very same pool that you have previously enjoyed floating in together in lazy indulgence with nothing more on your mind than the pleasure of a wicked afternoon and a sun setting on another day of bliss.

The now chemically treated pool just may have fumes that leave your eyes stinging and you feel you must sit a day or so out of the pool as to not turn your hair and your feelings green.

Darling Boys, Girls and Scott, “in love” is a fragile animal that doesn’t do well under stress, even good stress. Falling in love, that will o the wisp state of amazement is the precourser to real love. Then, “being in love” holds hand with love for awhile, but eventually the milk and cereal that is day-to-day life makes it difficult to capture that in-love feeling on a daily basis. It still comes and goes in little moments and sometimes for extended periods of time, but it never feels like it did in the beginning - and it isn’t going to anyone.

Being in love is part-and-parcel to the excitement, raging passion, and the willingness to put daily life on hold. You can’t put daily life on hold for long, or you run out of clean socks and milk for the cereal. If you think what you have is greater than what you don’t, and can understand the fragile nature of the in love state, you might want to spend the emotional sweat equity and work on this relationship. The best part is you can only become a better person for the learning you will do, and whether the fruits of your climbing up and out of the primal relationship swamp benefit you now or later, you will be a better human for the experience.

Have a naughty day!

Miracle Grow and Getting Out

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He was very enthusiastic about the relationship when it was new, and although we don’t fight or argue he seems really bored. Do you think he is bored with me or the relationship?
Laura C.


Dear Laura,
Boredom is a lot like luck: we make our own. So first of all, lets take you out of the picture (don’t worry this is not permanent unless you want it to be). Let’s assume without you he has the same job, the same friends, and the same general pattern of daily life. Is he bored now? If you answered yes, the boredom factor belongs to him and him alone. If he can’t be bothered to water his lawn it is going to go brown and die - and there is no magic “miracle grow” named Laura that is going to help! If you think he wouldn’t be bored, then perhaps aspects of the relationship are making him feel like he needs to hold back what would be his “real” life because he is worried how that would impact you. Scared? Be brave and read on.

The best relationships that I have witnessed have something in common. The ability to accept the needs of the individual as well as the needs of the couple, in equal doses. Here is a test: encourage him to do something with his friends. No, you don’t get to go out with your friends on the same night. You stay home and indulge in something nice, but you stay in so he doesn’t have to think about what you are doing or why all of a sudden you are so amicable to his going out. Did I mention you are JUST fine with this? If the relationship is healthy you have nothing to lose and lots to gain. If one evening playing poker or a weekend fishing trip puts the swagger back in his step, you might be on to something.

When in the hot and sweaty or sweet and romantic clutches of new love, it is easy for everything to seem special. Even washing the dishes together by hand can easily turn into the adult version of Snow White and the 7 dwarfs… but after the three-month milestone something changes. It seems to change for most couples every 3 months for the first year, and if you are still together, every year of so after. We settle in and trade making pancakes naked (remember the syrup) and pillow talk that lasts till 4am for pizza and diet soda and lights out at 9:00pm. (And don’t think that early bedtime is set so you can rumple the sheets! Your bedtime – one of those basics of life that doesn’t take into account how much TLC a relationship really needs to thrive – often becomes another cause of a relationship’s erosion).

One of the things that makes the early days so exciting is that we are leaning all about our new “friend.” We haven’t heard the same story over again yet because there are so many stories to listen to. When we spend more and more time together, we have shared adventures to enjoy and replay over and over for mutual amusement. Bringing our daily lives back home to rehash at the end of the day is also fine for awhile, but even that doesn’t usually make the papers or doesn’t hold much in the way of interest all the way through dessert and coffee.

We all need to have adventures away from the cave and separately or we have nothing to bring back to the campfire to share. To not do so means we do not continue to grow and be the amazingly fascinating person that our lover became enthralled with months or years ago.

So darling Boys, Girls and Laura - to get a true meter reading on the boredom factor or any factor that is not positively affecting your relationship, use the “you go and play by yourself” test and see what happens. Remember: “Absence does make the heart grow fonder”. For you naughty readers that just threw in “out of sight out of mind”, that is another test - a very good one that can uncover the kind of relationship you don’t need.

Have a naughty day!

Wedding Woes and Trial by Cake

Dear Miss Kitty,
Like you, I am getting married this fall. I LOVE my finance like nothing else and yet still have some uncomfortable feelings about being married. Everyone says it is just pre-wedding jitters, but how do you know the difference between jitters and a mistake? Help please?
Wary wearing white soon


Dear WWW,
How do you know the difference between love and like? Love and lust? Love and we really should have ended this at 3 months but I didn’t and now I don’t know how to get out? Love (Miss Kitty’s favorite topic) has many faces, and I suppose that is why it is a never ending source of all variations of questions. And speaking of questions, yours is great one.

First, I suggest you take the wedding component out of the equation. Unless you are a trained production manager, comfortable in sequins at the drop of hat, and know all the lyrics to A Chorus Line, you are likely not used to putting on lavish productions of the simple or complex variety. That, in it self, can breed all sorts of trepidiouos feelings - not to mention the dreaded wedding jitter that miraculously goes away the moment you say “I do”.

However, just in case this is the other variety of jitter, the more serious, “Am I making a huge mistake someone grab me a cab now!” here are my very best MK words of wisdom: TALK to him right away! Not your friends, not your mom, the man himself! If you can’t talk this through, completely and honestly, you should get back the deposit from the caterer now. All the Prime Rib and Stuffed Chicken Breasts in the world won’t make a bad choice better.

If he can, without judgment or fear, listen to your woes, the odds are very good that this is someone that will be there throughout the good, the bad and the ugly of your life and you his. Someone that is not threatened by “your stuff” is in a good place and someone that makes a healthy life partner. You are signing up for something that deserves your highest level of integrity at all times. Yes, you are literally making the commitment of a lifetime. Yours.

It can be easy to mistake love for lust, should have been friends, and the other entire close but no cigar scenarios that we find ourselves in. But dear Boys, Girls and WWW, one of my tests for true love that lasts forever is this: You are really good with the whole enchilada. There are no bad feelings about any aspects of your partner. You really accept - and that means REALLY accept - ALL that he or she is. There are no secret plans in the works to change, modify or manipulate after the frosting has dried on your face. It means you take them for everything they are and are not, with no hidden agendas whatsoever. If you can say that, you love him and are ready to get married. If you can’t, face it now, talk it through and if your worst fears are realized remember Miss Kitty’s favorite word in the English language: Next.


Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiancé wants 3 of her ex-boyfriends to come to our wedding. Is this cool?
Joe


Dear Joe,
Is this a wedding or a beefcake pageant? Oh, that was rude of me! Now, Joe, are these gentleman old and really good friends? Or is this one of those soirées where everyone that you have ever known is invited? If they are real friends and the lady wants them there, fine and get over it fast. If they are extras or she is showing them what they “missed”, the guest list should be reduced by 3! She won’t miss them and there will be more champagne for me. So, Joe where is the party?

Have a naughty day!

Knights of the Flaming Food Court

A heavy pall hangs over the smoky sky and dirty snow flake-like ashes litter the surrounding countryside and all the objects within it. The forest-fire fallout is long felt and its impact is subtle, like a funeral dirge quietly being played in the background of our thoughts. Like knights of old, the fire fighters measure and gauge the most effective way to manage the fire-breathing dragon crawling up the hillsides. The most experienced of all know that a fire, as harsh as it may be, is a natural cleansing, which without, the forest could not experience re-growth.

It is the same within the framework of intimate relationships. There are times when the fire consumes not acres, but energy and piece of mind. When the sheer exhaustion of putting out flames, looking to burn and ignite anything as often as possible, is as much of a challenge as saving a house. In fact, sometimes the house that is our relationship is exactly what we need to decide to save. How does one know when to let it burn to the ground, so that one can rebuild a better life - or when to call in the big trucks with sirens blaring that help is on the way?

If a fire is slowly smoldering in your relationship, it means that something needs to be done. It might be a big splash of cold water in the face of reality or maybe a clear and open conversation about what isn’t being said. Regardless of size or type of material burning, “fires” respond to direct action. You can’t look the other way and hope that they go out. In fact, looking anywhere but directly into the flames is a sure way to make them burn even faster and brighter.

A highly flammable but very common material, excellent for producing maximum smoke is the Unsaid. We are all too often afraid that honesty will put out the good kind of fire, when just the opposite is true. The unsaid is like gasoline-soaked brush heaped behind a cardboard house. The slightest and smallest spark will be able to cause havoc and burn it all to the ground. If your focus is on being afraid of hurting someone’s feelings at the expense of your own, are you not actually hurting someone (and yourself) more when you don’t disclose what you feel you really need to? Isn’t that fear of reality the same thing as lying?

This is where “The Quiz” comes in. Because if you have the “smoke alarm” of correct quiz answers in place you will be able to come out of the occasional burning building unscathed (or maybe with just a slight singeing). If you don’t, it’s time for a complete fire drill, because you are going to face the real thing - sooner than later.

1. Do you admire your partner? And why shouldn’t you have adoration, affection, applause, appreciation, approbation, approval, deference, delight, esteem, estimation, favor, fondness, glorification, homage, honor, idolatry, idolization, liking, love, marveling, obeisance, pleasure, praise, recognition, regard, reverence, valuing, veneration, wonder, wonderment, and worship. You chose this amazing person, didn’t you? And if you chose correctly, this person lives up to your standards and values.

2. Do you respect the daily choices that your partner makes? Choices go back to the basics - fundamentals that tell the world who we are, instead of the world telling us. Lemon or strawberry yogurt as a preference isn’t important, but how someone reacts when the last yogurt is eaten does. What do you think should happen when two flights are delays, sleep isn’t a possibility and the airport food court won’t be open for seven hours? It shouldn’t really be such a big deal – and if it is, why did your partner choose to make it so?

3. On a scale of 1-9, nine being the worst, is there anything that your partner does that rates under a 3? Great! That’s what you want! No one is perfect and perfect is just a myth, so no one could be it anyway. It is the idiosyncrasies and the charming character “defects” that make someone your one-and-only, because they really are a one-and-only. It is part and parcel of being human but the way we react to these differences is what matters, not the differences themselves.

Have you discussed with your partner your answers to the above questions?

Miss Kitty hopes that this was a good appetizer for a really full plate of conversation. If you didn’t feel you wanted to, or couldn’t talk about any or all of this, that is a clear heads up - that there’s smoke in the air. And you know what they say: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

Have a naughty day!

Big Apple Love

With heels clicking up 5th Avenue and down Madison, in the hot and sticky summer of Gotham City (feeling like a piglet bathed in honey), Santa Barbara’s own Miss Kitty - with the intent gaze of a hawk scanning for prey - spies upon these Manhattanites. Do residents of the hustle and bustle that is the Big Apple have the same dating and relationship quandaries that our more laid back and mellow Californian brethren do? In a place where pastrami on rye actually is an aphrodisiac and a conversation between two women heard deep in the bowels of the subway starts with: “I was his first date out of jail….”; can love, experienced here, with an accent to rival Joey Buttafucco, also be so different? Like victims of The Spanish Inquisition, each cab driver, concierge and waitress is a verdant source of information. Yes, the man or woman on the street can offer more insight than any exhibit at the New York Museum of Sex!

Within minutes of slamming on the meter, with minimal prodding from yours truly, my cab driver, Vaheed, finds himself pondering if he loves his wife and when was the last time he told her. At $2.40 for the first minute, this is the interview deal of a lifetime. A captive subject and a glass barrier in place in which to make the lab rat feel safe! Careening up the slalom course that is also known as 3rd Avenue at rush hour, he finally answers: “If I told her I loved her, she wouldn’t believe me and would think I was up to something”.

That night, while I close yet another dark eatery, Patty the waitress brings an extra glass, professionally pours herself a healthy portion from the bottle she recommend, and sits to chat. “I really think he’s a nice guy, I mean we’ve been dating for 3 months and we just started sleeping together… I mean.. I waited to sleep with him for 2 months and the sex is really good, but he is just so…so…OK, too nice”. I gaze at her with the knowing look of a portly Rabbi’s pointing out the best, truly the best, don’t go anywhere else (and tell Solly I sent you) delicatessen. And like the Rabbi, I know that she knows that she isn’t with the best - and doesn’t yet believe that the difference between good deli and mediocre deli really matters. Even if she gets a free pickle with the guy, she really wants to (and should) go somewhere else.

A good Chianti is running through my veins and the heady aroma of Mama’s Sicilian pizza wafts through the air, three Soprano look-a–likes, sit and dine al fresco in Little Italy. These Goodfellas are a magnificent opportunity not to be missed and so with the naive charm of a true Santa Barbara girl, and thinking that cement shoes are probably just something new for Fall 07, I approach. Vinnie is the chatty one of the bunch sitting with his back against the wall. Although he vehemently declines the photo opportunity to go along with his manly account of dating in the big A, Vinnie tells it like it is. “Ya gotta be freak’in kidding! It ain’t freak’in hard. I wear my Armani, shave nice and buy her a good dinner. Always mention my ma and how I send her 8 grand every month and I drive a spank’in new Caddy… they come running, I tell you. Never a Friday night alone. Speaking of alone, what cha doing later on cutie?” Even though a ride in that new caddy sounds SOOOOO tempting, in the interest of journalistic integrity, I politely refuse. He grunts and continues. “Love? What the frick is dat?? Bunch of horse you know what. I was married for 20 years and she left me for the numbers guy…punk! Gave them the shoes, honey, gave them the shoes. Now, I only date”. The rest of the bunch were rather silent and fidgety at my inquisitive persona. After several heavily muffled cell phone calls, the well dressed and garlic-scented trio excused themselves saying they had to make a “house call”.

Dear Boys and Girls, finding real love can be harder than making your way uptown on a stalled subway system - regardless of where you are. But even with the 4, 5 and 6 subways trains are down for the count, there is always a bus, a taxi or your good old feet to take you where you want to go. Love likes a detour, now and again, and it is so much the sweeter for finding your way, all by yourself.

Have a naughty day!

P.S. Due to too much cheap Chianti and shoe shopping with Vinnie (don’t ask!) Miss Kitty’s correct answers to last week’s relationship quiz will be provided next week. (You DID answer all the questions, didn’t you?)

Snow cones and Destination Unknown

There is a virtual carnival of information available to us to improve our attitudes, adjust our perceptions and teach us to be open to riding new and improved waves. Why is it, when the new frontier is there, ready for us to hop on and take a ride, we are still inclined to give away our ticket and go home? When a situation comes along that really challenges us, (and is as clear as red snow cones outselling green ones by ten to one), we easily acknowledge the negative surrounding it, but don’t as easily, if at all, see the blessings in disguise. Is the disguise really that effective?

We can expect an infant in a highchair in a burning building to still wonder: “What happened to my applesauce?” while being carried out. But why do “mature” grown-ups carry on about the “applesauce” in their realities, instead of breathing the clean air of possibilities?

When in a relationship, hopefully we have clarified what we are signing up for. The “job description”, as it were, is defined clearly with caveats, if necessary - sort of an emotional pre-nuptial agreement. It is reasonable and prudent to know just what we are signing up for; unlike solders today that never seem to know just when their tour of duty is over. What you see should be what you get. Sometimes it is. When a fabulous bonus falls out of the sky because of the union, we take it without comment - but when there are trials and tribulations, we go on guard.

Closed up tighter than a ride at the fair five minutes after closing time, we can see the potential pitfalls with razor sharp vision (or we think that we can). We have reason to believe that we are justified in terms of previous experiences, possibilities read from supermarket tabloids and maybe even the well meaning but ever-present fear-monkeys that show up when you least need questionable advice.

It takes courage and a vision of the future (without a crystal ball) to accomplish what you want to be, instead of fearfully backing up and backing down. Many great figures of romantic tragedy show us this in living color. Cleopatra? Couldn’t negotiate properly with the Romans so she took the easy way out and let a snake do the talking. Juliet? Was it really too much to arrange a horse and carriage, grab her man and get out of Verona?

And Miss Kitty’s personal favorite, Henry the 8th! I am sure the Catholic Church and Cardinal Wolsey would have been happy to do a little pre-marital counseling or advise Henry to at least continue dating on Queen.com into his 40’s.

We have more choices in this life than we know what to do with and everything –absolutely everything - is a choice. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, but since we live in the age of embracing “coloring outside the lines” and “thinking outside the box”, couldn’t we be more like Jack and simply jump out wielding our ugly brown crayon that nobody else uses? So this week, Boys and Girls, get “outside” yourself be more like Jack!

Dear Boys and Girls: The following is a relationship quiz for you and your partner to take. (You may also use this retroactively for past experiences).

1. Do you admire your partner?
2. Do you respect the daily choices that your partner makes?
3. On a scale of 1-9, nine being the worst, is there anything that your partner does that rates under a 3?
4. Have you told your partner your answers to the above questions?

Correct answers to the quiz will be available in next Friday’s Kitty in the City!

Have a naughty day!

When Bad Kitty’s Go Good

Dear Boys and Girls,

Due to the overwhelming response to “Mother Teresa and the Cone of Silence”, Miss K would like to clarify a few things: #1. My column is, first and foremost, for fun and amusement. #2. Once in a while, some gem of a point is made - but for the most part, see #1. Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Jesus Christ, Maxwell Smart, Yoda, and the Kama Sutra were all mentioned in a single column last week. This profusion of wanton name-dropping should have clued you in that this was not a solemn, bend-over-and–bow-at-the Miss Kitty shrine-of-knowledge moment!!!!!! Since many of you took me quite literally – and seriously - by calling me a naughty kitty, I (with kitty deadpan-poker face) give you this week’s contemplative, sedate and completely serious column…P.S. I agree, the Kama Sutra is amazing but it does have some tricky bits for some of us!!!

At some point in our lives, we develop a vision of what our ideal partner will be like; he or she is a collage of images and attributes, both real and imagined. Cut and pasted pictures, cataloged from childhood memories; faces and voices that feel safe - perhaps we have even seen our future love in a long-ago dream. As the years go by, we actively seek that imagined someone, and eventually acknowledge that some of our precious longings have been outgrown. We realize that the illusion that Mary Ann or Ginger would make the perfect wife is as ridiculous as living on coconut cream pies. We smile at some of the items we can now leave off the menu and feel sorrow over those we realize can never be. But the characteristics and the soul of our ideal lover exist in our minds; even if the actual experiences we wish we could have had with them, may never be. Perhaps the treasure is better when it is discovered, instead of found.

We trek higher and higher up the relationship mountain to seek out the ideal dream lover (and the lover of our dreams). As we follow the treacherous trail, it becomes a constant challenge to continually resurrect the once shining beacon that lures us from our caves of shyness, and fragile sense of self. Before we gain the common sense to let the wisdom of time and experience guide us along the path, we often simply wait - until that unique luminary steps into our focus, and holds out a hand to bring us into a reality for which we are finally ready.

How do we really know who we are with, when it is a daunting exercise for most of us just to perceive what we want in the first place? Even if we do know what we desire, what we need, and what we can’t do without - how can we know that who we think we have, we really do?

For some, it's a long waiting game, but for most of us it is always worthwhile - in every sense - to hold out for better than the ho-hum, the everyday, the rote. The mediocre is so easy to acquire, yet so hard to change into anything else. The fragment of James Bond in every man or the smidgen of Marilyn Monroe in every woman is never enough. We must lift the gauzy veil, to see the beauty or the beast which dwells in the “pretty” house. When we hone our vision so it is clear, and let go of what we know is not the best, we have a valuable talent at our disposal. A talent that deserves to be taught, (right up there with reading, writing and arithmetic) at an early age. The ability to clearly see just who is in front of us, and who they are, at all levels.

Once in a great while, it is easy. There comes along a love so strong that the bonds can never be broken. There is never a moment needed, or wanted to question the peace that's so seamless and unfolds gently, embracing such goodness. He or she is a safe place that perhaps we have never known. Before this, maybe we have never trusted anyone to really be there, or that our infant trust was taken away once too often. It can be scary. Perhaps the perfection is frightening because it is so right. Then again, perfection is in the heart of the loved and once accepted, the journey is complete.

Have a naughty day!

Mother Teresa and the Cone of Silence

We follow the teachings of those honorable individuals who speak to our souls. Those who have lived the highest caliber lives –role models like Christ, Martin Luther King, and Mother Teresa, have shown us the worthy and wise life paths. But what happens when we realize that the original teachings of the great ones have become corrupted? Although we revere the original, the now perverted, digested-until-unrecognizable ideals no longer serve us - but instead send us disgustedly running in the opposite direction?

Religion swings both ways; the good that is done can be easily undone by those who do not truly embrace nor understand the original concept. Just like the misconstrued concept of religion that we blame for so many of the wrongs seen throughout history, sex - a truly simple and pure concept - is no exception to the lets-mess-it-up-and–ruin-it-for-everyone rule.

Suppose Yoda was teaching a Jedi class on intimacy. Armed with nothing but a light saber (vibrating at a low but powerful frequency), and dressed in a casual robe, he would repeat the same lesson over and over again to the oblivious Jedi wannabes. Finally, a fed-up Yoda would exclaim in Yoda-speak: “Great lover I am, but what are you? Wish upon the Death Star, you must, as purpose you have none! Membership in class, cancel you will, or meet three times a day until you learn sex is controlled entirely by mind – or until your light saber batteries dead they are, whichever comes first!”

A Jedi lover can never retire, according to the secret lessons of Yoda; not unless his or her mind is captured by the dark side, and forced to decline from any real sexual practices. Once Darth Vader (with his very heavy breathing) has enveloped your sexuality, the force is no longer with you, and you have become nothing but a slave (and not the good kind) to an artificial and phony perversion of what physical love actually is.

Intimacy, and open sexuality, have had some excellent proponents throughout history. From the pseudo teachings of Hugh Hefner, (attempting to bring sexuality into the open, and fake bosoms into vogue.) to the Kama Sutra, (attempting to make sex and chiropractic therapy one.), it appears that those who attempt to take human sexuality into the light, succeed for only a limited amount of time. It is the ultimate story of one step forward, and three steps back.

Take the G-Spot for example. Dr. Gräfenberg was trying to do a good thing: identify and confirm a source of pleasure. Great job until it came to the naming. G- Spot? Sounds like it’s harder to find than Cuba on a 1950’s elementary school map. G-Region! Now that sounds like something that’s easy and friendly to find - not esoteric, mysterious, and lost in the Bermuda Triangle!

It is distressing to Miss Kitty, that something as innocent as sex can be so lost, distorted and confusing. We are like Maxwell Smart, inside the Cone of Silence, straining desperately to hear important information on CHAOS, being screamed by “Chief”! We try our best to hear what is relevant and good, while we are so easily bombarded by the ultimate dark side of sex: the Darth-Vader internet with its easy-to-participate-in, cheap-and-tawdry, repugnant forms of anti-sex.

Since the beginning, humans have been figuring out what works and what doesn’t; what is acceptable and what isn’t; what is possible and what is not. Like Maxwell Smart, we look for secret rooms, doors and Cones of Silence, in order to find a safe and quiet place, where we can discover the truth for ourselves. Boys and Girls, you do not need a Jedi master or mistress to steer you clear of the dark side, and teach you the highly spiritual art of lovemaking - just a clear conscience about your own personal sense of right and wrong - and really good lube!

Have a naughty day!

Forever and Forever

We try to map out our lives as best we can; we seek love on well-defined paths, which lead to even clearer destinations. But between the red-letter days that are pre-printed on calendars, and the age-defined celebrations, come all the in-between moments that actually define love.

If Cupid’s arrow made a hole in our heart with someone’s name upon it: someone of great substance, worthy of our devotion, with whom we were able to share life then inevitably there will come a time when we are faced with the worst - a truly unimaginable moment. A midnight black cavern of immense pain and untenable aching will appear, and we have no choice but to walk through. The wretched moment when we say a last goodbye to our beloved.

Like the fragile rays from a weak winter sun we stumble across the dry desert, swept along by pain, longing for what is not, and desperate for the relief that only time can bring. Time does not care, and as minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days, know that hidden in the magnificent package that is true love, there is a security blanket, which may be used in just such an emergency.

You will not know it’s presence until, in the inky darkness, you stumble across its gentle and calming gift: that although we may loose our partner, the love that was shared is still very much alive, and nothing and no one can ever take that away. Love cannot get sick, love cannot be stolen, love never dies - and as long as one is here to remember, love will always be there.

Love is more than scents, memories and photos. It is the teachings, the healings, and the gift of the self that has transformed us, more than we will ever know. Love does not leave just because one of the participants does. The very experience of having a love of such high caliber is why the pain is so immense. But would anyone trade the immeasurable joys of pure love, along with it’s inevitable soul -crushing pain, for a life where love is no more enchanting and captivating then tepid lemonade?

Both alone in the quiet of the days and nights to come, and when the arms of those who care for us are wrapped tightly around us, sharing a measure of our pain, we will find that love is walking with us, and will continue to do so, forever. For love, with it’s wisps and tendrils, which seek out all the many moments of our existence, is a soul unto itself.

With great love for Karen.

Wedding Grapes and Raisin's to Consider

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am getting married in a few weeks and there is a lot on my mind. Besides all the usual wedding details, I am thinking about all the changes that we have been discussing and what more is too come. At what point should we just give it a rest and let what will be….be?
Love,
Something old, something new, something borrowed and need help from you!!!!


Dear Something,
The venerable grape, the esteemed and sacred fruit. “Peel me a grape” conjures up glorious renaissance canvases bedecked with naked nymphs and serious sirens, tempting their wiles; decadence abounding among the hanging bunches. The glorious little morsel is a master of versatility. Hot and sweaty in the dirty hands of a toddler, each little juicy promise waiting to be popped into cupid like lips. Or provider of the naked juice, honed into noble nectar, the toast of many a festive gathering or intimate moment for two.

The versatile grape has another, much different form - the humble and ripened raisin. Devoid of the great publicity it’s younger, juicier form has enjoyed, the simple but sweet morsel is the picked upon alter ego, the shy little sister, that can blossom forth and add zest when given half a chance.

Rarely do you hear someone rhapsodize over a profusion of raisins in a cookie. More than likely, the cookie-maker just couldn’t find any chocolate chips! Are some relationships like raisins, something that you have to really work at to include on the menu?

Like the grape’s time-worn and sunburned cousin, can our relationships become important only at certain times and in certain dishes, and overlooked and under appreciated the rest of the year? Are our partners like raisins - something we value only because it doesn’t spoil easily, isn’t sour, and is easy to pack away and eat when there’s nothing more exciting available?

“Raisin Times”, isn’t a retirement home for old Thompson seedless or a gourmet newspaper for toddlers - it is the time when a relationship matures into the analytical and tangible aspects of living life with another human being. It is when housing, the stuff, children, and all the ways of life are re-defined, planned, agreed upon and take new directions in order for the relationship, and both people in it, to evolve and grow into a new, improved whole.

We know that there will come a time when we choose to leave some of the comforts and freedom of being a solo act, in order to attain a higher bond with another. This chosen change brings about more than just joy and interest in the future. It naturally brings about many questions and aspects of both the known and unknown. There are concrete conclusions to be found along with ethereal and unfound, as yet possibilities.

Great potential or rich reward is never without more than a glimmer of trepidation, and planning is always part of the process. The mindful, gather information like fruit and spread it out for all to review. The best fruit is kept and the squishy ones, thrown away. There may be some feelings left for the squishy and not so perfect, the bruised but still good one side, but over all, letting some things go, for the good of the harvest as a whole, does not come about on it’s own. If the relationship has a capable and willing team of gardeners, that have planted carefully, they will reap the best harvest possible and if there is more work to do, they can always go back to the basics and start over again. There is always a season for planting something good.

Darling Boys and Girls, what grapes and raisins have in common is more than what they have as differences, since they both grow in bunches and you can’t buy a single raisin or a grape! It is what we have in common, that keeps us together, and therefore is always more important than our differences.

Have a naughty day!

Dog House Flowers and The Scribbler

Dear Miss Kitty,
Help! My GF just broke up with me and gave me no specific reason why. I have sent flowers and text messages, and she is not responding to anything. All I know is she thought I was somewhat controlling, which I don’t think I am. What can I do to get her back?
Out of ideas but not love



Dear Out -
Super heroes are part of our culture; tortured souls that save the day to save themselves. Obviously, being super doesn’t always work. We don’t see Batman, throwing in the Bat Towel or Spider Man figuring out that a web of deception can tangle you up tighter than a spandex suit in August. They fight the same heroic fight over and over again and never look beyond the poison lipstick right in front of their eyes - even when the same poison was used in a different shade just last week.

When the writing is on the wall, it might as well be written in invisible ink. Even if we choose to decipher some of what we see, we don’t want to believe that our beloved is slipping or charging off into the sunset without us. It is easier to believe that the relatively unknown, but thoroughly evil arch villain, The Scribbler, has been secretly leaving the messages for us.

Trying to decipher cryptic codes, the complex graffiti of love gone South, or the unmistakable scent of “I am done,” (also known as the obscure Channel fragrance Number 86), is painful and frustrating! Just where did it all go wrong? There is rarely one particular moment where it “all went wrong”. There are many moments that, when added up, lead to destination: Return to Sender - with neon lights flashing and signage all along the way.

The one step forward, two steps back method is better left to the Cha Cha Cha, then a relationship. Miss Kitty has never thought much of relationships that are on and off again more times than late night re-runs of Superman. Tension and angst are signs unto themselves, even if a partner doesn’t choose to speak up when things are rocky or when you think all systems are go.

Holy crazy communication concept Batman! Superheroes and super villains don’t seem to realize the value in talking, so they tie each other up, spray spooky concoctions and generally cause mischief and mayhem, all trying to get the poor superhero just to change her super-behavior. Of course we all know (DON’T WE?) that other people don’t change other people’s behavior. Have you ever seen Mr. Freeze thaw just because Cat Woman thought it would be fun for the weekend? No, he stays absolutely rigid and frigid at all times.

Unfortunately there isn’t a comic strip “speak bubble” over our heads at all times so that everyone else can figure just what’s up doc. So dear Boys, Girls and Out of Ideas: without a doubt when someone does the leaving, the ball is soundly in their court. Anything you do at this point will only serve to prove in uncertain terms, that you are indeed a bit on the controlling side. Time on the other hand will show up one of several scenarios: 1. He or She really is done and you will get over it. 2. He or she might just want to talk after some time has elapsed. 3. You realize that after the commercial break, you would rather watch another channel altogether. Stay tuned in and know how to roll with the punches, when to take a hiatus, and when to try on a new pair of tights!

Have a naughty day!

Lazy Love and a Long Hot Summer

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. Recently it seems that all the things he told me we would do, and would happen, haven’t. I am not really happy with him and feel like he hasn’t been straight with me, maybe even not from the beginning. Why does someone say so much and not do it? Was it all just to “get me”? It would appear I had feelings for someone who didn’t even exist as he portrayed himself. I am just feeling weird about the whole thing, and not very good about myself.
Lost in space Lisa.


Dear Lost in Space,
As the heat of summer begins to rise, and the days lengthen, visions of a really good book, a frosty drink and a hammock, slowly rocking back and forth, come to mind. It is a time for easy and straight -forward thinking, without disguise, like a simple lace dress, with nothing underneath. The rising heat takes us back to the supposed, carefree days of summers gone by, and the innocence that accompanies the first flush of romance. The wonderment of first dates, and newness bottled, could out sell “Two buck Chuck” in a fluttering heart beat.

When we look back at the uncomplicated loves, they seem as sweet as juicy-red watermelon; but what happens when the love in the backseat of our memories are a complex mix of unsettling aspects of what we have discovered our lover really was? How confusing is it for the partner filling the dance card of today to comprehend why we made the choices we did? That we could have been in love, or a false version of love with someone less than wholesome, especially in light of where we find ourselves today.

The jaguar follows his target with amber eyes, clear and focused on his intent. There is no thought to anything but bringing down the prey. A big cat doesn’t need to apologize for his instinct as there is nothing but hardwired DNA running the show. In humans there are agendas and how easy it is to loose the self in someone else, and their need to control the whole world. A sense of self, or of selfish?

Like, love and lust are all easy to identify, the pattern, as much as we would like to believe are original to us, are not. They are well documented and even the body chemistry that accompanies infatuation can be analyzed. But when there are tricks up someone’s well dressed seersucker sleeve, disguised as one of the Big Three, the only test that something unhealthy, something perhaps even dangerous, is afoot, is the inability to be our own self with that someone.

When we loose our very identity, or even a piece of it, and fill it entirely with the thoughts and ways of another, it is a sure sign that our innocence is slipping away. Innocence meaning our openness to be our real self. Replaced by a version that walks and talks like us, but is run by fear and the threat of loss. Like a fast- melting ice cream cone, little bits slowly drip away until there is nothing left but a sticky mess, and usually, no napkin in sight.

Boys, Girls and Lisa, we are all lucky to be wearing our earth- suits, meaning we are here, but that isn’t enough. Losing site of just who we really are, in a landscape that is constantly changing, is hard work. Finding ourselves, a self that we like within our relationships, brings us back to feeling safe, and safe is a close cousin to love.

Have a naughty day!

Robin Hood and a Legendary Love

Like the Sphinx, Gone with the Wind, and serious red wine, some things withstand not only the test of time, but gain momentum and get even better as they go along. Take the Legend of Robin Hood. Do you really think he reached the stuff of legend in a couple of months? Was Rob worthy of several movies, a good fox impersonation and fountains right off the bat? Let’s not forget several pubs and a musical!

Researchers recently discovered an actual copy of the newspaper, “In the Hood”, circa 1272. (Read the following in a bad English accent, please) Peasant #1 “Well he’s alright I suppose; gave me half- a- crown, but don’t think much of the tights and little hat”. Peasant #2 “I don’t know, Godfrey; he’s not half bad for a middle man. Takes from the rich, gives it to us lowly lot and obviously doesn’t take much of a cut for wardrobe”. Peasant #3 “Proof is in the pudding, Mates. Let’s see how he lasts through the winter, might be a bit of a draft in his outfit!”

It takes time for a relationship to uncover just what it is made of, regardless of what it appears to look like initially. It is easy to dance together in the Spring of a relationship. Everything is new, and there is nothing to challenge just what the relationship is made of. It is building itself, based on an idea of what it would like to be. It is finding its way, without any history, just the excitement of passion to fuel its path and a glimmer of wondrous future possibilities.

If you decide to stick together into the longer days of Summer, when the light merges into the stars of a sultry summer sky, you begin to know each other a little more. The value of history begins to make itself known. The gentle reminiscing of months gone by, a tease of the amazing possibilities of staying together for a lifetime. Come the Fall, challenges are bound to make their presence known. You have been together long enough for life, with it’s challenges, to enter into the secret garden of your love. Expectations can also run high as time marches on, and once in while there is nothing to eat but Friar Tuck’s really bad soup. Can you eat it together; laugh and know that, once you commandeer the next fancy coach, all will be well again? When the road gets bumpy do you change horses or partners?

Society been distracted by our belief in romantic love and we have sold short the intricacy, the dance, the ebb and flow of real relationships. Like the proverbial falling tree in the forest, (Sherwood or Las Padres), if we have a witness to our life, for better or worse, does the meaning of our life change?

Darling Boys and Girls, it is the tests, both of time and great substance that make or break us. A relationship that is built on cotton candy will melt the first time it feels the rains of winter. The winter of a relationship does not need to be one of discontent. If you work through what is necessary to sustain you at that time, and throw another log or two on the fire, you will survive. You will be better and stronger with even more history to look back upon. Who knows, in time, your relationship might even become a legend.

Have a naughty day!

Speaking with Squirrels and Fishing for Happiness

Have you ever wondered why a squirrel is apparently ready to die for something that’s on the other side of the road? Could it be really good acorns, a tree with a better view or maybe another squirrel? There must be a reason there are so many casualties.

Cars have been on this planet for at least 100 years and the average squirrel lives 3-4 years. This means there have been as many as fifty generations of squirrels, most of who haven’t learned to stay out of traffic! Is survival of the fittest a myth, like dinosaurs being present at the last supper? Could it just be that squirrels don’t know any better? When looking for a life partner, or just a casual relationship, the squirrel rule applies: there must be a reason there are so many casualties in our search for love.

Looking for love in all the wrong places certainly has something to do with it.

If you are fishing for bass on a lake stocked with bass you will catch, you guessed it, bass. So why on Lake We- Only-Stock-Bass do you see so many anglers looking to hook a trout? Why are poles and reels, suitable for catching marlin, hanging out on the dock at Lake Cachuma? A real marlin, not the perch which looks like a marlin, and only surfaces after you have had way too many beers.

If you want someone with depth, you have to go to the deep, not the shallow end. You won’t get the Catch- Of -The -Day if you flounder around in the mud!

Speaking of mud, where we fish has as much to do with what we catch as putting out the right bait. If you really want to be with someone intelligent does it make sense to trawl the bottom of the dating pool? Odds are a bottom feeder is all that you are going to net and that means, once again, the weekend is over and all you have to show for it is a serious moon burn and a messy boat!

So Darling Boys and Girls, since a few of us are risking life and limb, scampering across roads, looking for bigger nuts and better views, it stands to reason that we CAN all learn. What if we had the Catch- And- Release rule in regards to dating? Cast, catch, determine maturity (not based on size!) and release immediately if not up to standard? Everyone would benefit greatly. We would invest much less time in trial and error, give the other fisher- people a chance at something that might work for them, and keep lots of cash flooding into the bait shops!

Most squirrels don’t stand a chance of changing their stars, since the ones that do make it across the road, the few successful risk takers, are busy making more squirrels, not directing traffic. It would appear that darting across pavement and dodging speeding automobiles is a good thing. (Just like it would appear that a crawl up or down State Street may hook you the love of your life).

Last time I communicated with a dead squirrel, via the Ouija board, I was told, (read in very high squeaky voice) “It was worth it and I wouldn’t have risked this fluffy tail for just a big nut!”

Have a naughty day!

Pearl Necklaces, Kissing frogs and Living Love

When the last day is finally here, the very last day, it will not be the houses, the cars and the careers that we carry into that final moment. It will not be the lavish lifestyles or the trials and tribulations that we have borne, that usher us through to the next experience. Our relationships and what they have meant to us are the gems that will shine forth and lead us on. These stones, with a million or more facets are also what will be left for others to reflect upon, as they are pearls of wisdom we share with those we love and sometimes those we do not even know.

Kissing frogs is part of life and, hopefully, when we are done, we have something beautiful to show for all that hard work. Therefore, frogs are not good or bad, they are just what they are. It is how we handle each experience that allows us to add another pearl onto the string of life rather than hide it away in the dark of a drawer. As much as a parent, or a great friend, would like to learn the lessons for us, we must all go into the diamond mines and learn it the old fashioned way; sometimes in the dark with little light to guide us, and sometimes in a dangerous and scary place with no light at all. Sometimes we even have to stay in the mines for years and be grateful to just get through each day.

When the lessons are learned we increase our awareness of the beauty in learning lessons and can finally relish, like puppies rolling in a daisy field, where each experience will take us next. We can be grateful for all we have gone through to make us who we are. When looking back, we can acknowledge even the mines without the pain or suffering that once was.

A natural pearl is created by an irritant finding its way into an oyster. The future aphrodisiac then secretes a substance called nacre, which slowly coats the irritant until a translucent pearl is born. A 6mm pearl can take 10 years to grow and much longer to become a 7-8mm beauty; the time needed increases exponentially while the chances of harming its beauty also increase. Is it not the same for us? Is it not worth the risk?

Time spent, even in a so called failed relationship, is not wasted. It was a necessary component to make us stronger, beautiful and even more valuable. So Darling Boys and Girls do not fret over what was, because carbon is as carbon does, and a good pearl necklace is always in fashion.


Dear Miss Kitty:
I have visited your wonderful store in Santa Barbara several times alone to purchase lingerie for my wife’s (and my) enjoyment. While shopping, I have noticed couples going into the dressing rooms together to try on outfits. I have asked my wife to visit Purrmission with me for a modeling session (as this looks like fun) but she is too embarrassed. How can I help her to get over her shyness?
Henry from Summerland


Dear Henry,
I believe that exploration for couples is a healthy and necessary component of a good relationship. You have the best of both worlds- the comfort in knowing each other for some time and the ability to inject new experiences whenever you wish to keep it fresh and exciting. So I wonder, is she comfortable in your own space wearing sweet nothings? Does she feel confident in her own skin or does she just like getting “ready” in private? I think the titillation of being in a woman’s dressing room is rather erotic for many men and part of the fun. Of course, you can have 15 minutes before I

Knock discreetly. Test the waters with some questions first, for respecting your love’s wishes is always the first thing to put on.

Have a naughty Memorial Day and you may now wear white!

To Have, Have not and Having it all

Pick any beach early in the morning, when the sweet beige sand is as unblemished as a prom queen’s face, and you’ll discover the hunter of lost paraphernalia. Using a not-so-magic wand to glimpse below the sandy surface, just about anything that is found becomes a treasure. But do the trinkets and coins revealed have value because they were lost or because they were found?

Value, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. We can mourn the loss of what never was or what we perceive we have lost: time, money or the too-often cast-to-the-winds sense of self. But perhaps what we never had, or thought we lost, happened for a reason - because something far better was waiting in the wings and we wouldn’t have found it without our life lessons, as tough as they may have been.

Part of our culture’s “dumbing down” of relationships is the lowering of expectations based on the premise that boys will be boys, and for that matter, girls will be girls. When looking at ourselves it is easy to fall into stereotypical rationalizations, and try to justify our discomforts by accepting behaviors we don’t really like. Over and over and over again. We can only change ourselves, in action or perception, and continually strive to “get it” – and no longer be willing to dismiss anything less than what we really desire and deserve.

But what happens when the bar is set higher than Marilyn Monroe offering you a magnum of Dom Perignon at the beginning of a three day weekend? There is no way to limbo under this level of grand design, and why would we ever want to?

In the uncharted distance, in a misty and often forgotten part of our minds, a human of un-paralleled perfection lingers. Always knowing they are there, we wait for the roulette wheel to turn though all that must be: the good, the bad and the ugly – always hoping it will stop in that perfect place. Sometimes we can feel that special spirit whispering in our ears, even when making all the wrong choices. Do we still have to make all the wrong choices to be able to know the right ones? It would appear so.

True love is never for sale. Time is too high a price, and cheap words from empty souls are visions that can’t hold their form in the light of a wise and authentic man or woman. Smoky fires can’t burn out-of-control in our hearts for long when the peace of a higher presence gently and repeatedly settles down the flames. Wouldn’t it be nice to rest by a fire, warm as never before, and take comfort in the thought that the right one will come along when we have done our work? Sometimes leaving the past is better than the staying ever was and the priceless knowledge of what we are really worth can finally emerge.

Boys and Girls, do you remember back in February there was a contest? Miss Kitty was looking for the answer to “Why do people cheat?’ and went on a date with the winner. Well my darling readers, truth is stranger than fiction, so it is time to share something else with you…

Rocket Man, you are as true love embodied. You are the palace in which I will dwell until the end of my time. You have found me as whole as I was the day I was born; complete with all the pathos of a life lived to learn, and now to love you. So, yes Rocket Man, I will marry you.

Miss Kitty

Polishing Silver while Waiting in the Dark.

All too often we live our lives picnicking in the graveyard of past relationships. We visit the newly interred as well as those where the headstone is barely legible; worn by the weather of time. We revisit the heaven, the hell and sometimes even the earthly land in between. We scrutinize our experiences of trial and error, while feeling as dark as a basic black cocktail dress.

These experiences, for better or for worse, all have their place. We are real- life museums of all that we have lived. Each experience is in a glass case, under dim light, which we can view anytime. But, just like an exhibit in a real museum, our antics are frozen in time and there is a limit to what we can continue to learn. To look back, and appreciate the lessons, is the best we can do.

Experience has value as it is happening, and for a time after, but once we are in the arms of someone new, maybe we are better off letting ghosts lie undisturbed? Some lessons of the past we implement productively and make better and better choices because of them. But sometimes, the feelings that are generated with a new situation are old and musty habits, which we allow to cloud our new reality. We are much better served living in the now, without any of the ties that bind us to a person we no longer are.

Taste buds change, and cells renew daily, so maybe we are better off not using all of the past to guide us in the now. If we let the now rule then we can make the most conscious choices, whether we are looking for a life partner or working through the first hiccup that comes in a new relationship. When we have found a relationship of value, there will be a first moment when the relationship passes the Teflon stage and something will get sticky. This is the crucial moment to check in and see if there is strong steel under that Teflon coating; or rust, just waiting to corrode things on a rainy day.

Boys and Girls, the Teflon check is really about how the fallout is handled after the inevitable moment of truth. Perfection is a myth, but a perfect relationship is possible, because when we realize that we are looking not for a perfect person, but the perfect person for us, we can breathe easily, embrace someone with all their human frailties and still love them. No cutting around the edges to make them fit, no sanding off rough spots, no sugar coating needed.

When we polish up ourselves for the wrong person we don’t always realize the true cost involved in remaining so brilliant- endless maintenance with no end in sight, for they must always have that mirror-like finish so they can see their reflection at all times. They demand in so many ways that we maintain this illusion for them, for without our constant “improvement” they are lost, and so are we.

The right person loves us for the patina that we have naturally acquired through our experiences, and when we are with the right one, the shine is there, effortlessly. It is not maintained by our grueling efforts to be pleasing at all costs, to be the perfect partner to skate on the thin ice of being “Good enough”. The patina of love is a translucent effervescence, soul-dancing, heart-lifting and beautifully subtle. It is comparable to the soft glow on a lover's face when they can look out into the future and, without a doubt, know it is the safest place they could have ever imagined. Part of feeling safe is speaking your truth - whatever it is - and watching it reflected back in the actions of another.

Have a naughty day!