Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating a man for the last year and a half. We see each other about 3 times a week, take trips, dine out, and have a lot in common. The thing is, he refers to me as his “girlfriend” - and I don’t want a boyfriend because I don’t want to feel that I can’t date just in case I meet someone that suits me even better. Isn’t this a realistic and fair way to have a relationship? Always a paragon of relationship morals, I am curious about your take on this.
Deborah
Dear Deborah,
When you add up all that works between you, divide that by relationship longevity and multiply by the amount of “couplish” thing you do, confusion can reign when both of you get a different number on your side of the relationship equation. It seems that even with a VERY clear understanding between the partners, if the calculated scales are not even-steven, someone is going to get hurt or angry some where down the line. Because when it looks, walks and talks like a relationship, it generally is one.
There is a trendy philosophy that says we need to be responsible for our own emotional well-being and let others do the same. Just how much of that is actually as kind, caring and evolved as it sounds? When Miss K was a mere kitten there was a note stuck on the refrigerator door reading, “Your liberties are measured by your responsibilities.” This is a noble motto to not only live by, but to embrace as a moral safety net when traipsing though the land-mine-laden relationship territory. Lives that are cleanly lived in regard to others, as well as ourselves give us a much better nights sleep and bonus karma points to use as needed.
A safe but hardly lightweight question to ask yourself is: Would you like to date yourself? Now imagine - would you like to date yourself if you also knew that you were not being entirely forthright about your intentions? If you have more than a vague idea that your partner is in love with you, hopes for a long lasting relationship, or has more in mind than a very casual liaison, and you are interested in none of the above at the present, you might want to think about taking a leave of absence until you do know. Ten to one says, if he or she did know EVERYTHING you were thinking or doing, they might not be quite so keen on the arrangement.
As an ultimate check and balance system pretend your “friend” is feeling friendly and also somewhat ambivalent towards you. Do you like it? Didn’t think so. It doesn’t feel good, because inherent in duplicity of any kind, is a - not surprising - lack of anything feeling remotely good.
Dear Boys, Girls and Deborah: In your dreams you might be able to hear your man order his drink, shaken not stirred, or you might be able to have your non-cooking girlfriend be a soul sister of Martha Stewart with three hundred amazing cookie recipes, but fully awake (which is how you should live your life at all times), know without any doubt you can not change other people, unless they are up for the change themselves and even then, it can take considerable time - or never end up happening at all. So what you have, right now, is what you get, right now and for the future.
That being said, it is naive and egotistic of us to think that our actions do not affect the feelings of others, even when we don’t think they know what we are thinking or doing. Sticks and stones and the real truth all can hurt - but lack of full disclosure can induce much more severe, and longer lasting pain.
Our responsibility to other human beings, especially in the vulnerable underbelly of relationships, is to either openly and honestly disengage - or be there, committed, for the whole kit and caboodle.
Have a not so naughty day!
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Friday, April 25, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
A Spring Tale
11 Apr 2008
Dear Miss Kitty,
How do you know if someone really loves you? Do you get to a place where you can believe them? I want to, it just seems hard, like I am letting myself become weak if I do and then I was wrong.
Madison
Dear Madison,
Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman waiting in a small church somewhere wonderful, to marry the man of her dreams. Her gown was the palest of rose; the guests were quiet, with gentle anticipation of the wondrous event yet to happen. They waited, and waited and waited. Because this is a fairy tale, they waited until the sun had set and the dawn rose on yet another beautiful spring morning. Slowly, with a mixture of sadness and embarrassment, they slipped away, murmuring whispers of condolence along with giving her small hugs of confusion. The bride neither heard the warm hearted wishes to heal her heart nor felt the compassion for her pain in the hugs and little kisses.
She walked home to her cottage by the sea, alone. When she got home, she took off the splendid dress and all her bridal trappings, but couldn’t put down the bouquet of tiny white and pink roses. She cried and cried; she punched and kicked at pillows; she ate pints of ice cream, all while holding the bouquet. Once day, months later, while she was in the garden, a handsome fellow who was lost, (he really was!) made his way to her front door.
The day was warm, and as she sat on the porch, reading a book, she was enjoying a glass of tea. He seemed hot, and as she went into the house to get a map to help him, she poured another glass of the cold tea. He took it. He stayed for 6 hours. They spoke of many things and realized they had more in common then not.. They smiled at each other a lot. Finally, as the day dressed itself for the evening, he mentioned he really did need to leave, but could he see her again, and soon.
She went into the house to look for a pen and a piece of paper, and as she did, she realized that she still had the bouquet in her hand. She couldn’t put it down. She wouldn’t put it down. She walked back out onto the porch, a different woman than the one with whom the man had spent the last precious hours. Feeling and acknowledging that difference was the sadness he left with, instead of a phone number.
Darling Boys, Girls and Madison,
Holding the pain of your past, the fear of making yet the same mistakes is very understandable. It seems almost reasonable; don’t we tell children that fire burns so not to touch it? Do we remember to tell them, that fire, used correctly, is pretty amazing? It seems that when it comes to keeping ourselves safe, we can forget to hear the important caveats. There are some pains, especially broken trust that are almost impossible to get over. But like realizing that fire has many a delightful purpose, love, if used correctly, can bring even more delight. There is wisdom in prudence, in knowing our past mistakes so we don’t continue to make them. There is wisdom in taking a chance, and sometimes, the stranger who comes out of nowhere, when you least expect it, is the one for whom you discarded the faded and wilted bouquet.
Have a naughty day!
Dear Miss Kitty,
How do you know if someone really loves you? Do you get to a place where you can believe them? I want to, it just seems hard, like I am letting myself become weak if I do and then I was wrong.
Madison
Dear Madison,
Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman waiting in a small church somewhere wonderful, to marry the man of her dreams. Her gown was the palest of rose; the guests were quiet, with gentle anticipation of the wondrous event yet to happen. They waited, and waited and waited. Because this is a fairy tale, they waited until the sun had set and the dawn rose on yet another beautiful spring morning. Slowly, with a mixture of sadness and embarrassment, they slipped away, murmuring whispers of condolence along with giving her small hugs of confusion. The bride neither heard the warm hearted wishes to heal her heart nor felt the compassion for her pain in the hugs and little kisses.
She walked home to her cottage by the sea, alone. When she got home, she took off the splendid dress and all her bridal trappings, but couldn’t put down the bouquet of tiny white and pink roses. She cried and cried; she punched and kicked at pillows; she ate pints of ice cream, all while holding the bouquet. Once day, months later, while she was in the garden, a handsome fellow who was lost, (he really was!) made his way to her front door.
The day was warm, and as she sat on the porch, reading a book, she was enjoying a glass of tea. He seemed hot, and as she went into the house to get a map to help him, she poured another glass of the cold tea. He took it. He stayed for 6 hours. They spoke of many things and realized they had more in common then not.. They smiled at each other a lot. Finally, as the day dressed itself for the evening, he mentioned he really did need to leave, but could he see her again, and soon.
She went into the house to look for a pen and a piece of paper, and as she did, she realized that she still had the bouquet in her hand. She couldn’t put it down. She wouldn’t put it down. She walked back out onto the porch, a different woman than the one with whom the man had spent the last precious hours. Feeling and acknowledging that difference was the sadness he left with, instead of a phone number.
Darling Boys, Girls and Madison,
Holding the pain of your past, the fear of making yet the same mistakes is very understandable. It seems almost reasonable; don’t we tell children that fire burns so not to touch it? Do we remember to tell them, that fire, used correctly, is pretty amazing? It seems that when it comes to keeping ourselves safe, we can forget to hear the important caveats. There are some pains, especially broken trust that are almost impossible to get over. But like realizing that fire has many a delightful purpose, love, if used correctly, can bring even more delight. There is wisdom in prudence, in knowing our past mistakes so we don’t continue to make them. There is wisdom in taking a chance, and sometimes, the stranger who comes out of nowhere, when you least expect it, is the one for whom you discarded the faded and wilted bouquet.
Have a naughty day!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Weddings, Lemmings and Poison Darts
3 Apr 2008
Dear Miss Kitty,
My finance and I are getting married this September. Long before we set the actual date, problems started. We had always talked of a small (30) people event and now, because her mother is calling all the shots, the wedding looks more like the opening ceremony for the Olympics. Lisa and I talk, decide one thing and then the next thing I know, Lisa and her mother have planned something else. Is this whole wedding thing just a “chick thing” and should I just go along for the ride to keep the peace with Lisa or should I tell her mom to back off? After all, in the long run, I am marrying her not her mother.
Michael S. (Carpinteria)
Dear Michael,
Did you check in with Lisa’s mother in your choice of ring? Did she give you inside information on the perfect way to propose to Miss Lisa? Going back even further, did you ask mommy dearest if you could ask Miss Lisa out on a first date and promise to get her home by 9:37pm? I hope and suspect the answer to all the above questions was a resounding “are you kidding me?” Unless Miss Lisa is doing this wedding with a proxy bridegroom, why in the world would you abdicate the decisions regarding YOUR wedding? Why in the world would you give up any say in that first day that you are a legally recognized, official tribe?
Making your own tribe is fun! The two of you can go to an outdoor mall, drag home a large tree trunk, which makes an excellent couch. This can be paid for it in very easy terms in 18 months from now, with a trout and a bag of acorns. You can carve hearts and your initials on all the poison darts you are going to need as you set up your cave together. Every day will is brimming over with all the ways you can get sick eating possible food stuffs and making up cute names for every new experience.
Regardless of all the fun and games, the biggest challenge of all is not letting the ways of the previous tribe, things we have once accepted as correct, comfortable or even truly- rotten- but- understood, go the way of the lemming.
What happens when we quickly shove all our prior ways over a cliff to perish in the chilly sea below? Can the resulting shock and conflicts, conscience and unconscious within us, rebound and cause havoc within the newly made tribe of two? With all the changes that come up in making a couple a couple, private pow-wow’s are as necessary as daily kisses, so we can not only think, but feel our way into finding our tribe’s comfortable, best paths.
When the old ways have been chucked out and ditched, without clear and well discussed meaning, life does not feel peaceful and easy anymore. Discussing whether to paint a bison or a tiger on the wall becomes a test of wills. As the paint dries on brushes that haven’t been touched, the patterns of our former tribes remerge as we call them forth in our private thoughts. We call them forth to comfort us in this new and unknown territory, we call them forth to reinforce our position of no position. In ghostly form, these old patterns haul their semi -frozen bodies back up the side of the cliff and make their way and their presence loudly known in the form of conflicts within the newly formed tribe.
Before the old ways can be assimilated into the new tribe, (by choice not by hair pulling), the old ways are used, most ungraciously, as fighting fodder. Like a kid’s game of Red Rover Red Rover, each example of our family of origin’s patterns should be racked over semi- hot coals by the trial counsel. With each member, in equal standing, decisions are made to cast aside, resurrected or comprise old standard behaviors. When thought not bluster goes into such decisions the past is morphed into something that works really well for the new tribe’s ultimate good, and best of all, there are no bad feelings.
Dear Boys, Girls and Michael, finding our way to make a new tribe strong and committed to it’s goals, starts with leaning up against the stones of our history and seeing what works, what doesn’t and what could work, if it was rearranged a bit. The most important part of making a new tribe is letting the old tribe know (nicely please!) that you are working out your own ways in private and serious counsel.
Remember those poison darts I spoke of earlier? Have plenty in reserve so you can keep mommy dearest asleep while you and Lisa begin to work out just what you want on your cave walls. Just kidding! If you choose to honor your future, start by honoring your past, together. Respectfully integrating it within the boundaries of the new order is your best opportunity to be respected as a couple, by the tribes of your past.
Have a naughty day!
Dear Miss Kitty,
My finance and I are getting married this September. Long before we set the actual date, problems started. We had always talked of a small (30) people event and now, because her mother is calling all the shots, the wedding looks more like the opening ceremony for the Olympics. Lisa and I talk, decide one thing and then the next thing I know, Lisa and her mother have planned something else. Is this whole wedding thing just a “chick thing” and should I just go along for the ride to keep the peace with Lisa or should I tell her mom to back off? After all, in the long run, I am marrying her not her mother.
Michael S. (Carpinteria)
Dear Michael,
Did you check in with Lisa’s mother in your choice of ring? Did she give you inside information on the perfect way to propose to Miss Lisa? Going back even further, did you ask mommy dearest if you could ask Miss Lisa out on a first date and promise to get her home by 9:37pm? I hope and suspect the answer to all the above questions was a resounding “are you kidding me?” Unless Miss Lisa is doing this wedding with a proxy bridegroom, why in the world would you abdicate the decisions regarding YOUR wedding? Why in the world would you give up any say in that first day that you are a legally recognized, official tribe?
Making your own tribe is fun! The two of you can go to an outdoor mall, drag home a large tree trunk, which makes an excellent couch. This can be paid for it in very easy terms in 18 months from now, with a trout and a bag of acorns. You can carve hearts and your initials on all the poison darts you are going to need as you set up your cave together. Every day will is brimming over with all the ways you can get sick eating possible food stuffs and making up cute names for every new experience.
Regardless of all the fun and games, the biggest challenge of all is not letting the ways of the previous tribe, things we have once accepted as correct, comfortable or even truly- rotten- but- understood, go the way of the lemming.
What happens when we quickly shove all our prior ways over a cliff to perish in the chilly sea below? Can the resulting shock and conflicts, conscience and unconscious within us, rebound and cause havoc within the newly made tribe of two? With all the changes that come up in making a couple a couple, private pow-wow’s are as necessary as daily kisses, so we can not only think, but feel our way into finding our tribe’s comfortable, best paths.
When the old ways have been chucked out and ditched, without clear and well discussed meaning, life does not feel peaceful and easy anymore. Discussing whether to paint a bison or a tiger on the wall becomes a test of wills. As the paint dries on brushes that haven’t been touched, the patterns of our former tribes remerge as we call them forth in our private thoughts. We call them forth to comfort us in this new and unknown territory, we call them forth to reinforce our position of no position. In ghostly form, these old patterns haul their semi -frozen bodies back up the side of the cliff and make their way and their presence loudly known in the form of conflicts within the newly formed tribe.
Before the old ways can be assimilated into the new tribe, (by choice not by hair pulling), the old ways are used, most ungraciously, as fighting fodder. Like a kid’s game of Red Rover Red Rover, each example of our family of origin’s patterns should be racked over semi- hot coals by the trial counsel. With each member, in equal standing, decisions are made to cast aside, resurrected or comprise old standard behaviors. When thought not bluster goes into such decisions the past is morphed into something that works really well for the new tribe’s ultimate good, and best of all, there are no bad feelings.
Dear Boys, Girls and Michael, finding our way to make a new tribe strong and committed to it’s goals, starts with leaning up against the stones of our history and seeing what works, what doesn’t and what could work, if it was rearranged a bit. The most important part of making a new tribe is letting the old tribe know (nicely please!) that you are working out your own ways in private and serious counsel.
Remember those poison darts I spoke of earlier? Have plenty in reserve so you can keep mommy dearest asleep while you and Lisa begin to work out just what you want on your cave walls. Just kidding! If you choose to honor your future, start by honoring your past, together. Respectfully integrating it within the boundaries of the new order is your best opportunity to be respected as a couple, by the tribes of your past.
Have a naughty day!
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