Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I get into little fights and usually I say I'm sorry and we make up. Sometimes he is sorry but doesn't say anything but brings me flowers. I really would like him to say to me he’s sorry. When I mention this to him he says it's what you do - not what you say - that matters. I think that sometimes it needs the words too. Is it OK to ask him to actually say he is sorry?
Becky C, Santa Barbara
Dear Becky,
We know that water is wet, doughnuts have too many calories, and black silk is always sexy, but when it comes to relationships, does something have to be wrong before we can get it right? Does conflict have to be the driving force behind being true to our values? Do we have to compare and contrast behaviors to feel justification in our personal morals and ethics?
We tread the path of least resistance uneasily. It can be tiring, brutal and sometimes even soul-destroying to get what we think we need from someone else. So is it really worth it? Should we learn perfect compassion or would that make us a cross between the Dalai Lama and a Bozo the Clown punching toy?
So the question is really: for an apology to be valid, must it be in a form that the injured party deems acceptable? If our belief system feels that “sorry” must be verbalized in words - then so be it. Just as love can only be in a form that is understood to be truly felt, apologies apparently reside in the same heart-shaped world.
I think the underlying issue is if there is truth behind the apology. That is ultimately what really matters isn’t it? Isn’t that what we are really after when we want a “sorry”? Part of accepting that an apology is real is when the doghouse-e understands and is willing to show remorse in a style that means something to the doghouse-er. The one that got done wrong wants it done right and that means, by his or her rules. The method used, be it flowers or cat box cleaning-becomes part of the actual apology.
Perhaps the real rub lies in the fact that we want-so desperately to believe that words equal truth. That humans are as truthful as they would appear, especially when living in a kennel of chaos. There is no industry standard for an apology. Therefore to forgive or not isn’t so much based on the apology, but within the conscience of the “injured” party.
Then again, many a man or woman has uttered a temporary heart felt “sorry” because their need for forgiveness was greater than the need for the apology. So perhaps, when the words - the right words - words that can be heard and felt as real are spoken, there is no need to wonder if they are genuine or not. That is where the beauty of stepping up to the plate and being a real deal man or a real deal women is worth the uncomfortable feeling of accepting we were wrong, doing the right thing, in a way it can be accepted.
Have a naughty day!
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Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Men in Tights and Frozen Yogurt
Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I have been married for a happy 15 years. Now she wants to make some changes in what has been the status quo. Some of the changes, I am not comfortable with. For the record, I am not a stick in the mud (she says I am), but I would be happier if things were the way they used to be. Is that so unreasonable?
Greg, Santa Barbara
Dear Greg,
Along with the resurrection of frozen yogurt it seems popular, even news worthy to redefine definitions. Now a little light bondage never hurt anyone, but when a country has laws to define what is and what is not humane, it doesn’t seem like there should be any way to wiggle out of that particular rope. Speaking of rope and wiggling, how can we tell which ropes can be tightened, knotted or given a whole lot of slack in a relationship?
How much reinventing can we do after we have pledged ourselves to another as we are? If a contract has been reached with the consideration agreed upon up front, is it correct to assume that the definitions that have been implied and implemented can’t be substituted or even canceled? If they are, where is the memo? And where is the lawyer?
William Shakespeare along with creating stupendously romantic plays and sonnets was never above inventing a word or two when the Elizabethan lexicon was lacking. Many a brand new word graced not just the stage and the men in tights, but found it’s way into the vocabulary we (some of us anyway) use today. Does this imply that when we find ourselves in the mode to create something new it is really because need is dictating the desire? Would we want something different if we had real satisfaction? Do you truly feel happy eating frozen yogurt when you really wanted a hot fudge sundae?
It is profundus obsequious (I made that up) to think that even our small decisions and changes don’t have the possibility of impacting another person. It is impossible for a couple to know everything that is going to show up in a marriage, but rolling-together with change is a must. Just for fun, try these questions together and see what happens:
Is the current division of household chores fair? Under what circumstances would not working be okay? If each of our families wants to include us in holiday celebrations this year how do we decided what we want to do? When in a true partnership everything is a joint decision. Even if an all time favorite luncheon item is no longer on the shopping list, all concerned parties need to be notified and consulted as to why!
If someone is planning on returning to school, wants a baby (or a puppy), or has a burning desire to go to Oregon and live in a small cabin, you are way past the memo stage. Darling Greg, Boys and Girls, sad but true, you have been lied too. Not all is fair in love and war. There are boundaries that may not be crossed no matter what. We as humans would never have come as far as we have if it wasn’t for empathy. A high degree of empathy is imperative for a great relationship. Open consulting with one and other is out of basic respect and the wisdom of knowing that a little pebble can make a very big wave.
Have a naughty day!
My wife and I have been married for a happy 15 years. Now she wants to make some changes in what has been the status quo. Some of the changes, I am not comfortable with. For the record, I am not a stick in the mud (she says I am), but I would be happier if things were the way they used to be. Is that so unreasonable?
Greg, Santa Barbara
Dear Greg,
Along with the resurrection of frozen yogurt it seems popular, even news worthy to redefine definitions. Now a little light bondage never hurt anyone, but when a country has laws to define what is and what is not humane, it doesn’t seem like there should be any way to wiggle out of that particular rope. Speaking of rope and wiggling, how can we tell which ropes can be tightened, knotted or given a whole lot of slack in a relationship?
How much reinventing can we do after we have pledged ourselves to another as we are? If a contract has been reached with the consideration agreed upon up front, is it correct to assume that the definitions that have been implied and implemented can’t be substituted or even canceled? If they are, where is the memo? And where is the lawyer?
William Shakespeare along with creating stupendously romantic plays and sonnets was never above inventing a word or two when the Elizabethan lexicon was lacking. Many a brand new word graced not just the stage and the men in tights, but found it’s way into the vocabulary we (some of us anyway) use today. Does this imply that when we find ourselves in the mode to create something new it is really because need is dictating the desire? Would we want something different if we had real satisfaction? Do you truly feel happy eating frozen yogurt when you really wanted a hot fudge sundae?
It is profundus obsequious (I made that up) to think that even our small decisions and changes don’t have the possibility of impacting another person. It is impossible for a couple to know everything that is going to show up in a marriage, but rolling-together with change is a must. Just for fun, try these questions together and see what happens:
Is the current division of household chores fair? Under what circumstances would not working be okay? If each of our families wants to include us in holiday celebrations this year how do we decided what we want to do? When in a true partnership everything is a joint decision. Even if an all time favorite luncheon item is no longer on the shopping list, all concerned parties need to be notified and consulted as to why!
If someone is planning on returning to school, wants a baby (or a puppy), or has a burning desire to go to Oregon and live in a small cabin, you are way past the memo stage. Darling Greg, Boys and Girls, sad but true, you have been lied too. Not all is fair in love and war. There are boundaries that may not be crossed no matter what. We as humans would never have come as far as we have if it wasn’t for empathy. A high degree of empathy is imperative for a great relationship. Open consulting with one and other is out of basic respect and the wisdom of knowing that a little pebble can make a very big wave.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Growl Man cub growl!
Dear Miss Kitty,
One of my friends is dating a man considerably her junior….20 years difference between them. She asked me about it and I told her honestly that I thought it was pointless. I suppose I was being harsh considering there is so much approval for “cougars” these days, but seriously, what is the point?
Charlotte, Santa Barbara
Dear Charlotte,
Pencils, arrows and speeches have a point but when it comes to judging the why’s and why not's of relationships, there is always a point or two missing. Relationships are by nature devoid of an anything resembling a concise and reasonable rationale for their existence anyway. It seems to be part of the eternal intrigue that compels us to believe in something that can so easily turn out to be nothing. Desperately, we try to make sense out of something that just isn’t that clear-cut. Relationships are both the brittle shards of beach glass, lying just under the sand to cut a tender foot - and the smoothly polished little gems that wash up after a wild storm at sea. It all depends on what or whom we are willing to weather.
There are countless cliché’s regarding the time old tradition of younger women with older men. There are as many jokes, movies and cartoon drawings as there are little blue pills in the world. Now gaining on, and perhaps surpassing, the Geezer-dogs are the Cougars. Just in case you are thinking: “How did she work cats into yet another column?” I will enlighten those in need. A cougar is the term for a woman that is dating a man more than 10 years her junior. He is called the man-cub. And the baseball he plays isn’t in Chicago.
The media - also known as the official brainwashing arm of the US Government - just loves these girls! They provide the Siren’s call to flip the old standard into what “mature” women want. Does anyone really want to be with a somebody that thinks Journey is a travel agency from the 80’s? Date a man that believes that bras were burnt because there wasn’t central heating way back when, and thinks Jerry Garcia really is a high-fat dairy product?
There are so many reasons that we decide or want to believe that someone is suitable for us. Suitable might be for a day, a month, a year or even longer. A safe harbor in trying times or a wickedly rugged ship for the wild and foamy trip of a lifetime. Who is to say what is right and what is not? Statistics like to keep us in check with their finger- waggling know–it-all-ness, and the stats say that the “ideal” age for partners is within five years of each other. Could this be true?
Religion, politics, upbringing and beliefs are as much players in the game of match as any age difference. It is the fundamental differences - whatever they are - that occupy the largest space between us. This is where one of the key relationship truths likes to hide. Truth number one is this: The similarities between us make life together easier. These congruencies are common ground-rules that we know and love, because they are safe and we know where we stand. Have there been very effective relationships between people of great differences? Of course - but look within and you will see that there is a deeply shared and common bond: the passions behind the differences. They are inevitably more the same than they are not.
Darling Charlotte, and Boys and Girls; if the ties that bind us are the thread to happiness, then looking for the similar is the kinder, gentler path to bliss. But if we are not looking for bliss, or even a cheap imitation of deep meaning, it doesn’t really matter what animal we date - or what phase of life they are in. What is of consequence is not whom we are with, but why. That is really the pointed question - and answering that will generally be harder with someone that doesn’t speak exactly the same language. Capish?
Have a naughty day!
One of my friends is dating a man considerably her junior….20 years difference between them. She asked me about it and I told her honestly that I thought it was pointless. I suppose I was being harsh considering there is so much approval for “cougars” these days, but seriously, what is the point?
Charlotte, Santa Barbara
Dear Charlotte,
Pencils, arrows and speeches have a point but when it comes to judging the why’s and why not's of relationships, there is always a point or two missing. Relationships are by nature devoid of an anything resembling a concise and reasonable rationale for their existence anyway. It seems to be part of the eternal intrigue that compels us to believe in something that can so easily turn out to be nothing. Desperately, we try to make sense out of something that just isn’t that clear-cut. Relationships are both the brittle shards of beach glass, lying just under the sand to cut a tender foot - and the smoothly polished little gems that wash up after a wild storm at sea. It all depends on what or whom we are willing to weather.
There are countless cliché’s regarding the time old tradition of younger women with older men. There are as many jokes, movies and cartoon drawings as there are little blue pills in the world. Now gaining on, and perhaps surpassing, the Geezer-dogs are the Cougars. Just in case you are thinking: “How did she work cats into yet another column?” I will enlighten those in need. A cougar is the term for a woman that is dating a man more than 10 years her junior. He is called the man-cub. And the baseball he plays isn’t in Chicago.
The media - also known as the official brainwashing arm of the US Government - just loves these girls! They provide the Siren’s call to flip the old standard into what “mature” women want. Does anyone really want to be with a somebody that thinks Journey is a travel agency from the 80’s? Date a man that believes that bras were burnt because there wasn’t central heating way back when, and thinks Jerry Garcia really is a high-fat dairy product?
There are so many reasons that we decide or want to believe that someone is suitable for us. Suitable might be for a day, a month, a year or even longer. A safe harbor in trying times or a wickedly rugged ship for the wild and foamy trip of a lifetime. Who is to say what is right and what is not? Statistics like to keep us in check with their finger- waggling know–it-all-ness, and the stats say that the “ideal” age for partners is within five years of each other. Could this be true?
Religion, politics, upbringing and beliefs are as much players in the game of match as any age difference. It is the fundamental differences - whatever they are - that occupy the largest space between us. This is where one of the key relationship truths likes to hide. Truth number one is this: The similarities between us make life together easier. These congruencies are common ground-rules that we know and love, because they are safe and we know where we stand. Have there been very effective relationships between people of great differences? Of course - but look within and you will see that there is a deeply shared and common bond: the passions behind the differences. They are inevitably more the same than they are not.
Darling Charlotte, and Boys and Girls; if the ties that bind us are the thread to happiness, then looking for the similar is the kinder, gentler path to bliss. But if we are not looking for bliss, or even a cheap imitation of deep meaning, it doesn’t really matter what animal we date - or what phase of life they are in. What is of consequence is not whom we are with, but why. That is really the pointed question - and answering that will generally be harder with someone that doesn’t speak exactly the same language. Capish?
Have a naughty day!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Silent Wedding Bells
Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiancé and I have decided the typical wedding isn’t for us. We are thinking that eloping is! It seems a great way to eliminate the hype and pressure of a wedding, and just gets to grips with what it is really is about: us. My fiancé is close to her family and is concerned that some feelings might be hurt. Do you think anyone could really be that upset?
Thomas, Santa Barbara
Dear Thomas,
According to the modern oracle of Delphi, otherwise known as Wikipedia, to elope, most literally, means to run away. More specifically, elopement is often used to refer to a marriage conducted in sudden and secretive fashion, usually involving hurried flight away from one's place of residence.
Hurried flights away? 18 month out bookings for a trendy venue? It is no wonder that as the day light increases, so do all the questions regarding the contretemps (look it up) that surround the- oh- so -blessed nuptials of which some humans fondly embrace. Flower girls and ring boys, tired cakes and every shade of white dresses.
For our discussion let’s have Camp A and B. There are variations of Camp A, but essentially the battle cry is for lots of tulle (look it up) and extra-special everything. Camp B has a whole different set of rules to go by. No fluff allowed here. Camp B, under the guise of anti commercialism, frugality and realism, stays as far away from the A-list of necessities as possible. Without the apparent trappings of “the best day of your life” to guide them through the myriad choices that can bamboozle the clear essence of wedded bliss, they strip it down and make it simple. Two people, a piece of government paper and any port with a sober witness or two.
So is the idea behind a wedding simply to capture something that is missing and needs to be put in place for phase two of relationship development? Is an elopement as much of a statement as a $100,000 floral and cake extravaganza? Regardless of the venue, or lack thereof, is the ritual bigger than the both of you?
Even with more than one “I do” under this cat’s belt, honestly and without reservation, I say “I do” to commitment - however it unfolds. Does this mean that noses shall be bent out of shape if a bride and groom or groom and groom or bride and bride or dog and cat get married without the hoopla or chuppah (look I up)?
Weddings, like funerals as well as other rituals of the human experience, tend to bring out all sorts of charming little aspects of our diverse natures. It is difficult to separate our projections of what we want - not only for ourselves, but for others at intense and memorable times. See how easy it is to project? Perhaps all moments of a wedding, in the style of Camp A or B are intense and memorable in their own way. Maybe getting a really good black olive and extra cheese pizza AFTER the simple nuptial is the highlight of a non-wedding wedding. As long as all is good in the kingdom of two, the villagers must put aside their self-imposed thoughts and get over it. At least until the next wedding or non-wedding.
Darling Thomas, and Boys and Girls, there is nothing that stops anyone from having hurt or slighted feelings, whether they have missed a moment that will never come again or round two of the Elizabeth Taylor School of Wedded Bliss. However, the law of unintended consequences is always on alert. It would be remiss to be blasé -that there might be some damage control necessary and appropriate. Of course that is nothing that a shared bottle of champagne and some cake, any cake wouldn’t fix.
Have a naughty day!
My fiancé and I have decided the typical wedding isn’t for us. We are thinking that eloping is! It seems a great way to eliminate the hype and pressure of a wedding, and just gets to grips with what it is really is about: us. My fiancé is close to her family and is concerned that some feelings might be hurt. Do you think anyone could really be that upset?
Thomas, Santa Barbara
Dear Thomas,
According to the modern oracle of Delphi, otherwise known as Wikipedia, to elope, most literally, means to run away. More specifically, elopement is often used to refer to a marriage conducted in sudden and secretive fashion, usually involving hurried flight away from one's place of residence.
Hurried flights away? 18 month out bookings for a trendy venue? It is no wonder that as the day light increases, so do all the questions regarding the contretemps (look it up) that surround the- oh- so -blessed nuptials of which some humans fondly embrace. Flower girls and ring boys, tired cakes and every shade of white dresses.
For our discussion let’s have Camp A and B. There are variations of Camp A, but essentially the battle cry is for lots of tulle (look it up) and extra-special everything. Camp B has a whole different set of rules to go by. No fluff allowed here. Camp B, under the guise of anti commercialism, frugality and realism, stays as far away from the A-list of necessities as possible. Without the apparent trappings of “the best day of your life” to guide them through the myriad choices that can bamboozle the clear essence of wedded bliss, they strip it down and make it simple. Two people, a piece of government paper and any port with a sober witness or two.
So is the idea behind a wedding simply to capture something that is missing and needs to be put in place for phase two of relationship development? Is an elopement as much of a statement as a $100,000 floral and cake extravaganza? Regardless of the venue, or lack thereof, is the ritual bigger than the both of you?
Even with more than one “I do” under this cat’s belt, honestly and without reservation, I say “I do” to commitment - however it unfolds. Does this mean that noses shall be bent out of shape if a bride and groom or groom and groom or bride and bride or dog and cat get married without the hoopla or chuppah (look I up)?
Weddings, like funerals as well as other rituals of the human experience, tend to bring out all sorts of charming little aspects of our diverse natures. It is difficult to separate our projections of what we want - not only for ourselves, but for others at intense and memorable times. See how easy it is to project? Perhaps all moments of a wedding, in the style of Camp A or B are intense and memorable in their own way. Maybe getting a really good black olive and extra cheese pizza AFTER the simple nuptial is the highlight of a non-wedding wedding. As long as all is good in the kingdom of two, the villagers must put aside their self-imposed thoughts and get over it. At least until the next wedding or non-wedding.
Darling Thomas, and Boys and Girls, there is nothing that stops anyone from having hurt or slighted feelings, whether they have missed a moment that will never come again or round two of the Elizabeth Taylor School of Wedded Bliss. However, the law of unintended consequences is always on alert. It would be remiss to be blasé -that there might be some damage control necessary and appropriate. Of course that is nothing that a shared bottle of champagne and some cake, any cake wouldn’t fix.
Have a naughty day!
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