Dear Miss Kitty,
I would like to know why women don’t smile back at me on the street when passing by. There is nothing suspect about my appearance. In fact, I have been told I am a good looking and nice guy to boot. Since when is a genuine smile confused with an invitation to cross the street as quickly as possible?
Snubbed in Santa Barbara
Dear Snubbed,
Your question has me very puzzled since you already know why you don’t get a smile back. But to indulge you- could it be because your smile isn’t really genuine? That is isn’t really a smile just for a smile’s sake? Are the curved lips for certain eyes only and not just a have-a–nice-day kind of smile for the masses?
Now if these are women that look the other way, already know you, then we have a different problem altogether - so let’s assume that these are women that you do not know and who do not know you. Snubbed, let’s face harsh reality: just because you would like to know them, based on a superficial scan across the street, it does not mean that they may have a similar interest in your mug, as friendly and charming as it may be.
If you have any success at all trying to make friends based on such premeditated superficiality, it will most likely lead to a very irrelevant relationship. On the other hand why shouldn’t the street be a place where you can pick someone up willy-nilly with nothing more than a grin? That was a trick question since I know that you know that the street is public place used for private reasons - like going from one place to another. A bar or coffee house is a different sort of place; a place where it becomes more appropriate to smile with the intent to engage someone’s attention.
Miss Kitty admires your attempt, but I am unsure of your true motive – the very one that you might not even be aware of as yet. For lurking in all of us, are unseen phantoms of want and will have. Here’s a way you can explore your concern. A test if you like. Go to a coffee place, book- store, even a supermarket and check out a woman who has “that certain something” that gives you “that certain feeling” and simply smile at her. DO NOT LEAR or look at her as though you’re undressing her. (Take the “who me?” look off your face and pay attention) Say something genuine… like, “Excuse me, I may be out of place, but I am drawn to you.”
Now here’s the tough part …prepare for any of the following...a face slap, a smile with no reply, the frosty-freezy look of a lifetime, or the infinitesimally-small probability that maybe she’ll turn and say: “your place or mine…I have ten minutes!!”
Ok, enough of the fantasy life … in all likelihood none of this will happen – you won’t have the courage to try the “I may be out of place” line and face the (potentially good or bad) consequences; and you will still go about your way and smile from across the street. If the planets align, MAYBE JUST ONCE SHE WILL SMILE BACK…as she walks right out of your life.
However, if you did actually decide to courageously be the genuine “you” in a smile-fest at the coffee shop, regardless of the outcome from her, you have made clear and positive changes to yourself. You will have empowered yourself by expanding your comfort zone - and increased your willingness to take more smiling risks with the opposite sex, regardless of the outcome. With each new smiling introduction, you’ll gain confidence and with each toothy experience you will feel more spontaneous and calm. In short, you will be developing the ability – through practice - to be genuine and simply the real you.
Darling Snubbed, Boys, and Girls, we all know that a smile from a confident, genuine person in an appropriate setting is a more open and inviting smile, than that flimsy grin coming from superficial passers-by, like two ships, one wrecked, on the busy sidewalk of life.
Have a naughty day!
P.S A big thank you to Ron the motor man and RM for their insightful views which greatly helped to answer Snubbed.
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Friday, October 24, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Shacking and Shaking Up
Dear Miss Kitty,
My BF and I moved in together a few months ago and now although I still love him, I think it was too soon to set up house together. We are both in our early 20’s. Do you think the relationship will survive if we go back to dating and living apart?
Betty R.
Dear Betty,
When it comes to relationships, sometimes an adjustment works and sometimes it is just putting off the inevitable. The real question is how to determine which is which? When we find ourselves feeling that our relationship choices (either the actual person or the current living configuration) aren’t working, does it mean that what we have- isn’t really what we wanted? When we jumped too far, too fast, can we go back to the beginning and try something different? Truth is always stranger than fiction, so could incompatibility really be a lucky break that allows the dodging of a future bullet like a get-away-car just outside the Chapel of Love?
Just because matching towels look cute and painting a room together can turn into a steamy scene in an R- rated movie, doesn’t mean living together is going to be an accurate test of a relationship’s future potential - and therefore living together is nothing to undertake lightly. Living together is not dating 24-7! Dating means seeing each other when it is convenient with all parties, and generally there is prior notice. Every part of life goes on hold while the date is on. Nice work if you can get it! Living together means you are available most of the time and real life never goes on hold. Part and parcel of living together is realizing the reality is it is what it is and it is pretty good most of the time.
Living with someone, married or not, takes more than just a desire to be together. It takes a sophisticated level of maturity on many levels. It means a lot of wholehearted compromise and adjustment. Depending on where you are in your life, priorities are something that need to be accurately clarified up front. Are you a night owl that needs a constant supply of night life? Is your book-worm partner really alright with that? The basics that come into play when living with someone are bound to rear up and want some attention as well. It is the nature of the beast. Little old things like bills, groceries, and laundry are going to push hot dates, lazy mornings and that devil-may-care attitude right out the window.
Does that mean that once you live together, fun is only for New Year’s Eve and every other birthday? Of course not! But it does mean that life now entails more than just a moment to moment existence which is all about fun. With all of that in the mix it isn’t surprising that shacking up shakes things up faster than a bartender making a drink for 007!
Darling Betty, and Boys and Girls, except for a few roller coasters, nothing comes to mind that goes backwards. Like the rising and setting of the sun, there are natural orders and that must be observed. Whether we like it or not, life moves in a forward progression. We flow in and out of experiences to benefit our continued understanding of the human experience.
There is everything right with making adjustments. We really need to be more comfortable and aware of correcting as we go along instead of waiting until a crisis forces us to change. Change made for crisis alone is impossible to sustain. Betty, moving apart generally doesn’t bring anyone closer - and before you take that step, know that it is never too late to talk things out and see what will make both of you happy in the short and long run.
Have a naughty day!
My BF and I moved in together a few months ago and now although I still love him, I think it was too soon to set up house together. We are both in our early 20’s. Do you think the relationship will survive if we go back to dating and living apart?
Betty R.
Dear Betty,
When it comes to relationships, sometimes an adjustment works and sometimes it is just putting off the inevitable. The real question is how to determine which is which? When we find ourselves feeling that our relationship choices (either the actual person or the current living configuration) aren’t working, does it mean that what we have- isn’t really what we wanted? When we jumped too far, too fast, can we go back to the beginning and try something different? Truth is always stranger than fiction, so could incompatibility really be a lucky break that allows the dodging of a future bullet like a get-away-car just outside the Chapel of Love?
Just because matching towels look cute and painting a room together can turn into a steamy scene in an R- rated movie, doesn’t mean living together is going to be an accurate test of a relationship’s future potential - and therefore living together is nothing to undertake lightly. Living together is not dating 24-7! Dating means seeing each other when it is convenient with all parties, and generally there is prior notice. Every part of life goes on hold while the date is on. Nice work if you can get it! Living together means you are available most of the time and real life never goes on hold. Part and parcel of living together is realizing the reality is it is what it is and it is pretty good most of the time.
Living with someone, married or not, takes more than just a desire to be together. It takes a sophisticated level of maturity on many levels. It means a lot of wholehearted compromise and adjustment. Depending on where you are in your life, priorities are something that need to be accurately clarified up front. Are you a night owl that needs a constant supply of night life? Is your book-worm partner really alright with that? The basics that come into play when living with someone are bound to rear up and want some attention as well. It is the nature of the beast. Little old things like bills, groceries, and laundry are going to push hot dates, lazy mornings and that devil-may-care attitude right out the window.
Does that mean that once you live together, fun is only for New Year’s Eve and every other birthday? Of course not! But it does mean that life now entails more than just a moment to moment existence which is all about fun. With all of that in the mix it isn’t surprising that shacking up shakes things up faster than a bartender making a drink for 007!
Darling Betty, and Boys and Girls, except for a few roller coasters, nothing comes to mind that goes backwards. Like the rising and setting of the sun, there are natural orders and that must be observed. Whether we like it or not, life moves in a forward progression. We flow in and out of experiences to benefit our continued understanding of the human experience.
There is everything right with making adjustments. We really need to be more comfortable and aware of correcting as we go along instead of waiting until a crisis forces us to change. Change made for crisis alone is impossible to sustain. Betty, moving apart generally doesn’t bring anyone closer - and before you take that step, know that it is never too late to talk things out and see what will make both of you happy in the short and long run.
Have a naughty day!
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