Dear Miss Kitty,
I am single and have met a very nice man through the internet dating system. He is everything I want as a mate, may be for life. We see each other almost every day and have a very comfortable relationship. Well... I just got a new person showing up on my internet dating email and he looks even better than the guy I am with now. He is slightly younger and better looking too. Now my question to you is what do I do!! May be I am missing out the chance for the perfect man for me or do I just stop opening my emails with these new matches? I read your column every week and trust your advice so help me ... p l e a s e.
Ms. Greener Grass, Carpinteria
Dear Grass,
Perhaps Miss Kitty has been caught on a bad day, but seriously can anyone write that they have found everything they want in a mate, maybe for life and within the same paragraph say there is a slightly younger and even better looking guy…that might be the ticket? Would anyone that reads this column ever think they would read something sweet and comforting at this point from moi? In a nutshell instead of my usual onionesque-layer like- prose …Ms Greener…do the dating world a favor and join a nunnery.
One of the hall marks of the final (only sounds bad) relationship is that the desire to perspire with anyone else fades away. At least in the early days and for some more enlightened souls it disappears for a lifetime. There are no lingering glances over the fence towards the best looking beef in the field, because chicken man for all his sins has your loyal attention. So is it reasonable to wonder if something out there is better? Have you not been paying attention? It is not reasonable nor ever will be to wonder without the sanctimonious truth that if you want to look, wonder or deal with a daily dalliance via the internet-the relationship you are in is not the relationship for you.
We do not own our partners. We are single entities going around the game of life. We do however owe our partners respect at all times. Why? Boys and Girls, if someone else chooses to throw in their all….swear off all the abs of steel and buns of bliss….kiss off instead of kiss the perfect princes and princesses that live just over the gate of Green Grass Kingdom.com you owe them undying- obligatory-no excuse respect. And sometimes respect means letting them know the truth. That you are honest with yourself and still need to look. There is nothing wrong with looking, but there is something seriously wrong with thinking you have found “the one”, but maybe just in case, you should keep the laptop on and your match profile active.
The truth is we don’t need to be with anyone. There are life lessons which are painfully hard which teach this truism. We may feel, at times we do really need someone. We may feel we just can’t live without someone ala Romeo and Juliet. This all goes the way of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy when someone beloved dies. We then realize, we can live without anyone. We have to. Our lives and our destiny are ours alone and although entwined with others…those entwinements are based on choice. If you look closely, when need is involved it is usually just this side of a set up with a Gold Diggers premium package. Blonde included.
Darling Greener, Boys and Girls, dating can be like eating aboard a cruise ship. With a pre-paid price for everything one feels almost obligated to stuff like a Grizzly pre- winter hibernation. However, like the bear a long break of little activity is required after such a binge, otherwise being slow and sluggish from the overindulgence someone will shoot and then stuff you. Fine dining is so much safer. Take your time over the restaurant, judiciously peruse the menu and then see based on prior experience what will really make your palate sing. Commit and order up your dish of choice. Here is the best part, if it isn’t everything you hoped for-you can send it back and try again! Here is the part Greener won’t like-you can’t order two dishes, eat them both and then send back the one you didn’t like. Not without paying for it sooner or later!
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Wise Women, Fundamentals and Getting to Next!
Dear Miss Kitty,
I’ve met a man who had a flawless intro. I was smitten from the start and I am picky. We share many qualities and we are broken in the same way. The dating was great until I told him that I would like to go out to dinner, not just the two bars we hang out in. I asked about walks, hiking, movies, anything other than just the bars. My suggestions were yah-yah-yah until after several girl fits, we finally had a wonderful dinner date. The price I paid was high and I don’t mean the bill. I want to get to know this man without alcohol and “the scene” getting in the way. BTW, we have been dating for 3 months with no sex. This is different for me but being older and wiser I think this is the best way. It feels serious but it seems he is resistant to really getting to know me and me him. Isn’t this the way people get to know each other, to see if it will work by spending time just one on one? How can he tell if we are the match I think we are if he won’t spend time just with me? Is he waiting for something? BTW he has told me he has a check list in his head (I don’t know what it is).
Thank you for listening,
Gypsy Muse, Santa Barbara
Dear Gypsy,
Weather stations are indirectly very busy little hubs of quality guidance. Umbrella day? Beach day? Flash flood day other wise known as really high boots day? It all helps and guides us when party planning, dressing, or traveling. Can we imagine a world without any precipitation predictions? In the perfect world there would be dating forecasters. They would know within a 95% accuracy rate just how likely our potential “right” was or was not. They would detect storms on the horizon and let us know when sunny skies prevail. Alas, there is no such thing, except for the barometer that lives in the middle of your gut. It knows all.
Most of us can look up and see cantankerous grey clouds gathering overhead and predict a stormy day, but when a cloudy future is sitting, already making life gloomy and dark, right across from us, we can not see it. Do we not want to see it? We sense but are not willing to throw off the wet blanket and get a rain check for someone better. Better the bad weather we know, than the sunny sky that is somewhere else?
Although Gypsy Muse has enough fodder to keep Miss K in rare form for several columns, zeroing in on the obvious that plagues so many daters seems the most helpful. Why do we insist on working with something that isn’t working? Why must we wear a white sundress in a torrential downpour? Do we really want our knickers bared along with our very soul?
Fundamentals belong to the wise. Getting to know someone takes time and that time needs to be spent where there is enough quiet to hear what is being said and what is not. Space to see what delights, insults, interests, amuses someone else. To take the puppy into different situations and see how it performs! Alright, that last one wasn’t nice but truly necessary and we all know it.
If someone can’t fathom the importance and excitement of trying out a few different venues to chat away the small hours, let alone wants to spend time together, they are not what anyone wants. They may be what you think you need because of some ill-founded sense of self, but the lack of willingness to do something so normal, so benign, and generally thought of as “nice”, tells it like it is.
Darling Gypsy, Boys and Girls, agonizing over the possible reasons why and rationalizing the most obvious and blunt truth away only postpones the inevitable. Does it matter why someone does what they do so early in the game? NO! We are not currently interested in the “other” side of this. Chances are there is no logical reason why he doesn’t see beyond the bars that currently encase this relationship. Since your heart is only bound by chains of “what if’ and not real love, repeat after me, NEXT!
Have a naughty day!
I’ve met a man who had a flawless intro. I was smitten from the start and I am picky. We share many qualities and we are broken in the same way. The dating was great until I told him that I would like to go out to dinner, not just the two bars we hang out in. I asked about walks, hiking, movies, anything other than just the bars. My suggestions were yah-yah-yah until after several girl fits, we finally had a wonderful dinner date. The price I paid was high and I don’t mean the bill. I want to get to know this man without alcohol and “the scene” getting in the way. BTW, we have been dating for 3 months with no sex. This is different for me but being older and wiser I think this is the best way. It feels serious but it seems he is resistant to really getting to know me and me him. Isn’t this the way people get to know each other, to see if it will work by spending time just one on one? How can he tell if we are the match I think we are if he won’t spend time just with me? Is he waiting for something? BTW he has told me he has a check list in his head (I don’t know what it is).
Thank you for listening,
Gypsy Muse, Santa Barbara
Dear Gypsy,
Weather stations are indirectly very busy little hubs of quality guidance. Umbrella day? Beach day? Flash flood day other wise known as really high boots day? It all helps and guides us when party planning, dressing, or traveling. Can we imagine a world without any precipitation predictions? In the perfect world there would be dating forecasters. They would know within a 95% accuracy rate just how likely our potential “right” was or was not. They would detect storms on the horizon and let us know when sunny skies prevail. Alas, there is no such thing, except for the barometer that lives in the middle of your gut. It knows all.
Most of us can look up and see cantankerous grey clouds gathering overhead and predict a stormy day, but when a cloudy future is sitting, already making life gloomy and dark, right across from us, we can not see it. Do we not want to see it? We sense but are not willing to throw off the wet blanket and get a rain check for someone better. Better the bad weather we know, than the sunny sky that is somewhere else?
Although Gypsy Muse has enough fodder to keep Miss K in rare form for several columns, zeroing in on the obvious that plagues so many daters seems the most helpful. Why do we insist on working with something that isn’t working? Why must we wear a white sundress in a torrential downpour? Do we really want our knickers bared along with our very soul?
Fundamentals belong to the wise. Getting to know someone takes time and that time needs to be spent where there is enough quiet to hear what is being said and what is not. Space to see what delights, insults, interests, amuses someone else. To take the puppy into different situations and see how it performs! Alright, that last one wasn’t nice but truly necessary and we all know it.
If someone can’t fathom the importance and excitement of trying out a few different venues to chat away the small hours, let alone wants to spend time together, they are not what anyone wants. They may be what you think you need because of some ill-founded sense of self, but the lack of willingness to do something so normal, so benign, and generally thought of as “nice”, tells it like it is.
Darling Gypsy, Boys and Girls, agonizing over the possible reasons why and rationalizing the most obvious and blunt truth away only postpones the inevitable. Does it matter why someone does what they do so early in the game? NO! We are not currently interested in the “other” side of this. Chances are there is no logical reason why he doesn’t see beyond the bars that currently encase this relationship. Since your heart is only bound by chains of “what if’ and not real love, repeat after me, NEXT!
Have a naughty day!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Big bad wolfs and the year of dating differently
Dear Miss Kitty,
During the entire week I have heard people talking about whether they will make - or not make - New Years Resolutions. Most people didn’t seem to want to make them. After 10 years of mediocre relationships of various lengths I’ve decided to make a big resolution. I will date differently this year, since what I have done in the past has never worked out. The big question is: What should the crucial difference be?
Ready for change, Santa Barbara
Dear Ready,
According to a recent survey of 2,386 adults, 58% of the men said they made a New Years resolution and 74% of the women. If you believe those responding to such surrealistic surveys, 22% of the men always or often keep their resolutions, while only 12% of the women could say the same thing. Miss Kitty has never been a big fan of statistics; since there are more variables in the human spirit than tricks in Felix the Cat’s bag, but what is worthy of attention is the disparity between the sexes in committing to making the jump to resolve, versus actually accomplishing the final goals.
Committing to make a resolution is only one (but a big) part of the equation. In fact, just choosing from our laundry list of potential “could be betters” can be daunting. Facing up to – and facing off with - one’s own detriments is always a sobering task, that requires great introspection. As the Big Bad Wolf says, “All the better to see you my dear”. Yes, finally understanding our own pitfalls, shortcomings and other yucky bits makes it possible for us to change our path through the treacherous woods of life.
Little Red Riding Hood never got it. She met the same wily wolf in different parts of the forest, falling for the same old slick canine-lines over and over again. It took an outside source, the woodsman, to rescue her. In the real world, although most women fantasize about a burly wood-worker sweeping them off their feet, the only real rescue that will last a lifetime is the one we do for ourselves. The wolves, even though deceptive to others, are actually being true to their image and themselves. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, a little black dress and heels or wearing a Rolex and driving a BMW; is just that, still a big bad wolf.
So Ready, and Darling Boys and Girls, the answer to the BIG question is thus: The crucial difference you seek is in knowing why we do what we do on the surface and below. It is making the necessary enlightening changes in the self before we venture into the dangerous woods. If we have resolved to deeply question ourselves through honestly reviewing our past, we are armed with knowledge. Knowledge can then be implemented into healthy rules to follow and a safety check system for ourselves. If we have elevated ourselves to the next step and made ourselves accountable to an overseeing outsider, then we have begun the process for better choices and therefore, resolution success.
The denial we make when we choose to not improve ourselves and our circumstances gives us the opportunity to make the same mistakes over and over again. Acknowledging that we don’t like dealing with wolves is never enough to keep us and our picnic basket safe. If the picnic basket is our soul, our deepest reasons for wanting to live well, then “grandmother” is the hopeful outcome of all our dreams. Getting to grandma doesn’t have to be a treacherous trek, it can be a delightful stroll though very fresh air, where wolves don’t stand a chance, and your cloak can be any color you choose.
Have a naughty day!
During the entire week I have heard people talking about whether they will make - or not make - New Years Resolutions. Most people didn’t seem to want to make them. After 10 years of mediocre relationships of various lengths I’ve decided to make a big resolution. I will date differently this year, since what I have done in the past has never worked out. The big question is: What should the crucial difference be?
Ready for change, Santa Barbara
Dear Ready,
According to a recent survey of 2,386 adults, 58% of the men said they made a New Years resolution and 74% of the women. If you believe those responding to such surrealistic surveys, 22% of the men always or often keep their resolutions, while only 12% of the women could say the same thing. Miss Kitty has never been a big fan of statistics; since there are more variables in the human spirit than tricks in Felix the Cat’s bag, but what is worthy of attention is the disparity between the sexes in committing to making the jump to resolve, versus actually accomplishing the final goals.
Committing to make a resolution is only one (but a big) part of the equation. In fact, just choosing from our laundry list of potential “could be betters” can be daunting. Facing up to – and facing off with - one’s own detriments is always a sobering task, that requires great introspection. As the Big Bad Wolf says, “All the better to see you my dear”. Yes, finally understanding our own pitfalls, shortcomings and other yucky bits makes it possible for us to change our path through the treacherous woods of life.
Little Red Riding Hood never got it. She met the same wily wolf in different parts of the forest, falling for the same old slick canine-lines over and over again. It took an outside source, the woodsman, to rescue her. In the real world, although most women fantasize about a burly wood-worker sweeping them off their feet, the only real rescue that will last a lifetime is the one we do for ourselves. The wolves, even though deceptive to others, are actually being true to their image and themselves. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, a little black dress and heels or wearing a Rolex and driving a BMW; is just that, still a big bad wolf.
So Ready, and Darling Boys and Girls, the answer to the BIG question is thus: The crucial difference you seek is in knowing why we do what we do on the surface and below. It is making the necessary enlightening changes in the self before we venture into the dangerous woods. If we have resolved to deeply question ourselves through honestly reviewing our past, we are armed with knowledge. Knowledge can then be implemented into healthy rules to follow and a safety check system for ourselves. If we have elevated ourselves to the next step and made ourselves accountable to an overseeing outsider, then we have begun the process for better choices and therefore, resolution success.
The denial we make when we choose to not improve ourselves and our circumstances gives us the opportunity to make the same mistakes over and over again. Acknowledging that we don’t like dealing with wolves is never enough to keep us and our picnic basket safe. If the picnic basket is our soul, our deepest reasons for wanting to live well, then “grandmother” is the hopeful outcome of all our dreams. Getting to grandma doesn’t have to be a treacherous trek, it can be a delightful stroll though very fresh air, where wolves don’t stand a chance, and your cloak can be any color you choose.
Have a naughty day!
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