Brain washing or true love?

Dear Miss Kitty,
I asked my mom how do you know if it is true love or if you are being brain washed? She said you would know.
Mira, SANTA BARBARA (age 13)


Dear Mira,
You know the immediate feeling of intense joy that follows the first lick on the face from a new puppy? As sweet as that wet kiss may be, it is nothing compared to the depth of love from an old and trusted dog. It’s not that we love the puppy any less, but puppy love has not had the opportunity to deepen beyond the excitement of the new and the euphoria of incredible cuteness. Real love takes time to grow - and it grows best in an emotionally mature place where the fence is just the right height.

A puppy is not capable of brain washing anyone, although the term “puppy dog eyes” would certainly make someone think so. No, a puppy's charms work their magic without the aid of any voodoo tricks. People, however, have the potential to as you say, “a bit of brain washing”. Once in a while, someone is a professional at this craft. Google “Gold digger” and “Gigolo” and then make sure you never can fit the description and if you meet someone that does, run away very fast. Using someone by pretending to like them or love them is one step away from brainwashing and possibly illegal in some states.

Although someone else can appear to put a brain though the rinse cycle and spin it, the real soaking is done by the “under-dog” herself. And that concept, as crazy as it may sound, is a wonderful thing to learn at 13. If you can really understand it and then live it, no one will ever stand a chance at “training” you the wrong way.
True love can be recognized by giving that possibly special someone the chance to be just that: true to you. Being true to someone takes time and a lot of work, and most of the work, isn't within the relationship. It is work on the self. So, before you can take puppy love to the next step you have to train yourself to know what is right and what is not for you. When you automatically know to listen to yourself (sit) and believe what you hear (stay) “The Washers” will never get a chance to load your brain with anything.

Love is not only a many-splendored thing, but something that continues to change as we change. What doesn't change (and is rule number one in Miss Kitty's Guide to Life and Love), is that the definition of love is defined by the receiver, not the giver. If love isn't received as we wish it, it will never feel quite right. This not-quite-right-feeling is a tip that perhaps the relationship isn't the one of your dreams.

Darling Mira, Boys and Girls, we all have the capacity and the intuition to know if it is brain washing or true love. We can only gauge the feelings correctly if we are willing to know ourselves really well and then accept that those little feelings of unease are our silver bullet. Just in case the cute little puppy is really a werewolf.
Have a naughty day!

Norma Jean, Marilyn Monroe, and No One Special

Dear Miss Kitty,
Last night I had a dream that my boyfriend was flirting with Marilyn Monroe and even though I tried I couldn't do anything to get his attention. I just moved out on my own - and based on the dream I suppose I am afraid of losing his attention now that I am not around him as much as I was. I'm usually a very confident person, but what can I do when I'm jealous of something that doesn't even exist?
Dreaming and Confused


Dear Dreaming,
When it comes to the internal struggle between fantasy and reality it is hard to know what side our psyche is pitching for. Exuding a heady combination of confidence and clarity we strut our stuff by day while at night even a peek-a-boo baby doll is no match for a phantom Norma Jean. Is self-confidence as much a specter as the eternal bombshell? Is dreamy insecurity really a comfortable blanket in which to cling to? Could we really know much more about ourselves than we actually allow ourselves to claim?

There is a well known cliché that if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear the sound - was a sound ever made? There is a well known cliché in the world of MK that if a partner falls and you are not around to hear it - they still fell! Actual observation of the fall, regardless of what the falling was over, happened. Even if you don't know it, they do - and sometimes that is enough. It is reasonable to have concern about a partner's activity when they are deep in the forest, without you.

That being said, we have zero direct control over other people (and minimal control over our own zany dreams). What we do have control over is choosing to be with someone that has a similar, if not the same, values system as ourselves. That crucial network of well thought out life choices and boundaries should be in place and understood by all, at all times. A system based on strong and unwavering values is a reliable and trustworthy system - and just the safety-net one needs when making changes to themselves or to the relationship (such as moving out and on to greater independence).

Darling Boys and Girls and Dreaming, think of it as a "code of conduct insurance policy". Taking the time to formulate and write a bullet-proof mutual-of-values relationship policy may take more work than you think. It may need yearly amendments and riders covering scary potential disasters, and it requires regular maintenance via heartfelt communication. Putting such a policy in place is never easy, and both partners agreeing to it will pay the price of hard work and uncomfortable honesty in putting it together. Most couples with the immediate "I want it now" gratification-based way of relating will find it to be not worth the hassle. But for those in it for the long haul, it will be worth every hard-earned penny.
Have a naughty day!