Dear Miss Kitty,
Like you, I am getting married this fall. I LOVE my finance like nothing else and yet still have some uncomfortable feelings about being married. Everyone says it is just pre-wedding jitters, but how do you know the difference between jitters and a mistake? Help please?
Wary wearing white soon
Dear WWW,
How do you know the difference between love and like? Love and lust? Love and we really should have ended this at 3 months but I didn’t and now I don’t know how to get out? Love (Miss Kitty’s favorite topic) has many faces, and I suppose that is why it is a never ending source of all variations of questions. And speaking of questions, yours is great one.
First, I suggest you take the wedding component out of the equation. Unless you are a trained production manager, comfortable in sequins at the drop of hat, and know all the lyrics to A Chorus Line, you are likely not used to putting on lavish productions of the simple or complex variety. That, in it self, can breed all sorts of trepidiouos feelings - not to mention the dreaded wedding jitter that miraculously goes away the moment you say “I do”.
However, just in case this is the other variety of jitter, the more serious, “Am I making a huge mistake someone grab me a cab now!” here are my very best MK words of wisdom: TALK to him right away! Not your friends, not your mom, the man himself! If you can’t talk this through, completely and honestly, you should get back the deposit from the caterer now. All the Prime Rib and Stuffed Chicken Breasts in the world won’t make a bad choice better.
If he can, without judgment or fear, listen to your woes, the odds are very good that this is someone that will be there throughout the good, the bad and the ugly of your life and you his. Someone that is not threatened by “your stuff” is in a good place and someone that makes a healthy life partner. You are signing up for something that deserves your highest level of integrity at all times. Yes, you are literally making the commitment of a lifetime. Yours.
It can be easy to mistake love for lust, should have been friends, and the other entire close but no cigar scenarios that we find ourselves in. But dear Boys, Girls and WWW, one of my tests for true love that lasts forever is this: You are really good with the whole enchilada. There are no bad feelings about any aspects of your partner. You really accept - and that means REALLY accept - ALL that he or she is. There are no secret plans in the works to change, modify or manipulate after the frosting has dried on your face. It means you take them for everything they are and are not, with no hidden agendas whatsoever. If you can say that, you love him and are ready to get married. If you can’t, face it now, talk it through and if your worst fears are realized remember Miss Kitty’s favorite word in the English language: Next.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiancé wants 3 of her ex-boyfriends to come to our wedding. Is this cool?
Joe
Dear Joe,
Is this a wedding or a beefcake pageant? Oh, that was rude of me! Now, Joe, are these gentleman old and really good friends? Or is this one of those soirées where everyone that you have ever known is invited? If they are real friends and the lady wants them there, fine and get over it fast. If they are extras or she is showing them what they “missed”, the guest list should be reduced by 3! She won’t miss them and there will be more champagne for me. So, Joe where is the party?
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, August 31, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Knights of the Flaming Food Court
A heavy pall hangs over the smoky sky and dirty snow flake-like ashes litter the surrounding countryside and all the objects within it. The forest-fire fallout is long felt and its impact is subtle, like a funeral dirge quietly being played in the background of our thoughts. Like knights of old, the fire fighters measure and gauge the most effective way to manage the fire-breathing dragon crawling up the hillsides. The most experienced of all know that a fire, as harsh as it may be, is a natural cleansing, which without, the forest could not experience re-growth.
It is the same within the framework of intimate relationships. There are times when the fire consumes not acres, but energy and piece of mind. When the sheer exhaustion of putting out flames, looking to burn and ignite anything as often as possible, is as much of a challenge as saving a house. In fact, sometimes the house that is our relationship is exactly what we need to decide to save. How does one know when to let it burn to the ground, so that one can rebuild a better life - or when to call in the big trucks with sirens blaring that help is on the way?
If a fire is slowly smoldering in your relationship, it means that something needs to be done. It might be a big splash of cold water in the face of reality or maybe a clear and open conversation about what isn’t being said. Regardless of size or type of material burning, “fires” respond to direct action. You can’t look the other way and hope that they go out. In fact, looking anywhere but directly into the flames is a sure way to make them burn even faster and brighter.
A highly flammable but very common material, excellent for producing maximum smoke is the Unsaid. We are all too often afraid that honesty will put out the good kind of fire, when just the opposite is true. The unsaid is like gasoline-soaked brush heaped behind a cardboard house. The slightest and smallest spark will be able to cause havoc and burn it all to the ground. If your focus is on being afraid of hurting someone’s feelings at the expense of your own, are you not actually hurting someone (and yourself) more when you don’t disclose what you feel you really need to? Isn’t that fear of reality the same thing as lying?
This is where “The Quiz” comes in. Because if you have the “smoke alarm” of correct quiz answers in place you will be able to come out of the occasional burning building unscathed (or maybe with just a slight singeing). If you don’t, it’s time for a complete fire drill, because you are going to face the real thing - sooner than later.
1. Do you admire your partner? And why shouldn’t you have adoration, affection, applause, appreciation, approbation, approval, deference, delight, esteem, estimation, favor, fondness, glorification, homage, honor, idolatry, idolization, liking, love, marveling, obeisance, pleasure, praise, recognition, regard, reverence, valuing, veneration, wonder, wonderment, and worship. You chose this amazing person, didn’t you? And if you chose correctly, this person lives up to your standards and values.
2. Do you respect the daily choices that your partner makes? Choices go back to the basics - fundamentals that tell the world who we are, instead of the world telling us. Lemon or strawberry yogurt as a preference isn’t important, but how someone reacts when the last yogurt is eaten does. What do you think should happen when two flights are delays, sleep isn’t a possibility and the airport food court won’t be open for seven hours? It shouldn’t really be such a big deal – and if it is, why did your partner choose to make it so?
3. On a scale of 1-9, nine being the worst, is there anything that your partner does that rates under a 3? Great! That’s what you want! No one is perfect and perfect is just a myth, so no one could be it anyway. It is the idiosyncrasies and the charming character “defects” that make someone your one-and-only, because they really are a one-and-only. It is part and parcel of being human but the way we react to these differences is what matters, not the differences themselves.
Have you discussed with your partner your answers to the above questions?
Miss Kitty hopes that this was a good appetizer for a really full plate of conversation. If you didn’t feel you wanted to, or couldn’t talk about any or all of this, that is a clear heads up - that there’s smoke in the air. And you know what they say: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
Have a naughty day!
It is the same within the framework of intimate relationships. There are times when the fire consumes not acres, but energy and piece of mind. When the sheer exhaustion of putting out flames, looking to burn and ignite anything as often as possible, is as much of a challenge as saving a house. In fact, sometimes the house that is our relationship is exactly what we need to decide to save. How does one know when to let it burn to the ground, so that one can rebuild a better life - or when to call in the big trucks with sirens blaring that help is on the way?
If a fire is slowly smoldering in your relationship, it means that something needs to be done. It might be a big splash of cold water in the face of reality or maybe a clear and open conversation about what isn’t being said. Regardless of size or type of material burning, “fires” respond to direct action. You can’t look the other way and hope that they go out. In fact, looking anywhere but directly into the flames is a sure way to make them burn even faster and brighter.
A highly flammable but very common material, excellent for producing maximum smoke is the Unsaid. We are all too often afraid that honesty will put out the good kind of fire, when just the opposite is true. The unsaid is like gasoline-soaked brush heaped behind a cardboard house. The slightest and smallest spark will be able to cause havoc and burn it all to the ground. If your focus is on being afraid of hurting someone’s feelings at the expense of your own, are you not actually hurting someone (and yourself) more when you don’t disclose what you feel you really need to? Isn’t that fear of reality the same thing as lying?
This is where “The Quiz” comes in. Because if you have the “smoke alarm” of correct quiz answers in place you will be able to come out of the occasional burning building unscathed (or maybe with just a slight singeing). If you don’t, it’s time for a complete fire drill, because you are going to face the real thing - sooner than later.
1. Do you admire your partner? And why shouldn’t you have adoration, affection, applause, appreciation, approbation, approval, deference, delight, esteem, estimation, favor, fondness, glorification, homage, honor, idolatry, idolization, liking, love, marveling, obeisance, pleasure, praise, recognition, regard, reverence, valuing, veneration, wonder, wonderment, and worship. You chose this amazing person, didn’t you? And if you chose correctly, this person lives up to your standards and values.
2. Do you respect the daily choices that your partner makes? Choices go back to the basics - fundamentals that tell the world who we are, instead of the world telling us. Lemon or strawberry yogurt as a preference isn’t important, but how someone reacts when the last yogurt is eaten does. What do you think should happen when two flights are delays, sleep isn’t a possibility and the airport food court won’t be open for seven hours? It shouldn’t really be such a big deal – and if it is, why did your partner choose to make it so?
3. On a scale of 1-9, nine being the worst, is there anything that your partner does that rates under a 3? Great! That’s what you want! No one is perfect and perfect is just a myth, so no one could be it anyway. It is the idiosyncrasies and the charming character “defects” that make someone your one-and-only, because they really are a one-and-only. It is part and parcel of being human but the way we react to these differences is what matters, not the differences themselves.
Have you discussed with your partner your answers to the above questions?
Miss Kitty hopes that this was a good appetizer for a really full plate of conversation. If you didn’t feel you wanted to, or couldn’t talk about any or all of this, that is a clear heads up - that there’s smoke in the air. And you know what they say: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, August 10, 2007
Big Apple Love
With heels clicking up 5th Avenue and down Madison, in the hot and sticky summer of Gotham City (feeling like a piglet bathed in honey), Santa Barbara’s own Miss Kitty - with the intent gaze of a hawk scanning for prey - spies upon these Manhattanites. Do residents of the hustle and bustle that is the Big Apple have the same dating and relationship quandaries that our more laid back and mellow Californian brethren do? In a place where pastrami on rye actually is an aphrodisiac and a conversation between two women heard deep in the bowels of the subway starts with: “I was his first date out of jail….”; can love, experienced here, with an accent to rival Joey Buttafucco, also be so different? Like victims of The Spanish Inquisition, each cab driver, concierge and waitress is a verdant source of information. Yes, the man or woman on the street can offer more insight than any exhibit at the New York Museum of Sex!
Within minutes of slamming on the meter, with minimal prodding from yours truly, my cab driver, Vaheed, finds himself pondering if he loves his wife and when was the last time he told her. At $2.40 for the first minute, this is the interview deal of a lifetime. A captive subject and a glass barrier in place in which to make the lab rat feel safe! Careening up the slalom course that is also known as 3rd Avenue at rush hour, he finally answers: “If I told her I loved her, she wouldn’t believe me and would think I was up to something”.
That night, while I close yet another dark eatery, Patty the waitress brings an extra glass, professionally pours herself a healthy portion from the bottle she recommend, and sits to chat. “I really think he’s a nice guy, I mean we’ve been dating for 3 months and we just started sleeping together… I mean.. I waited to sleep with him for 2 months and the sex is really good, but he is just so…so…OK, too nice”. I gaze at her with the knowing look of a portly Rabbi’s pointing out the best, truly the best, don’t go anywhere else (and tell Solly I sent you) delicatessen. And like the Rabbi, I know that she knows that she isn’t with the best - and doesn’t yet believe that the difference between good deli and mediocre deli really matters. Even if she gets a free pickle with the guy, she really wants to (and should) go somewhere else.
A good Chianti is running through my veins and the heady aroma of Mama’s Sicilian pizza wafts through the air, three Soprano look-a–likes, sit and dine al fresco in Little Italy. These Goodfellas are a magnificent opportunity not to be missed and so with the naive charm of a true Santa Barbara girl, and thinking that cement shoes are probably just something new for Fall 07, I approach. Vinnie is the chatty one of the bunch sitting with his back against the wall. Although he vehemently declines the photo opportunity to go along with his manly account of dating in the big A, Vinnie tells it like it is. “Ya gotta be freak’in kidding! It ain’t freak’in hard. I wear my Armani, shave nice and buy her a good dinner. Always mention my ma and how I send her 8 grand every month and I drive a spank’in new Caddy… they come running, I tell you. Never a Friday night alone. Speaking of alone, what cha doing later on cutie?” Even though a ride in that new caddy sounds SOOOOO tempting, in the interest of journalistic integrity, I politely refuse. He grunts and continues. “Love? What the frick is dat?? Bunch of horse you know what. I was married for 20 years and she left me for the numbers guy…punk! Gave them the shoes, honey, gave them the shoes. Now, I only date”. The rest of the bunch were rather silent and fidgety at my inquisitive persona. After several heavily muffled cell phone calls, the well dressed and garlic-scented trio excused themselves saying they had to make a “house call”.
Dear Boys and Girls, finding real love can be harder than making your way uptown on a stalled subway system - regardless of where you are. But even with the 4, 5 and 6 subways trains are down for the count, there is always a bus, a taxi or your good old feet to take you where you want to go. Love likes a detour, now and again, and it is so much the sweeter for finding your way, all by yourself.
Have a naughty day!
P.S. Due to too much cheap Chianti and shoe shopping with Vinnie (don’t ask!) Miss Kitty’s correct answers to last week’s relationship quiz will be provided next week. (You DID answer all the questions, didn’t you?)
Within minutes of slamming on the meter, with minimal prodding from yours truly, my cab driver, Vaheed, finds himself pondering if he loves his wife and when was the last time he told her. At $2.40 for the first minute, this is the interview deal of a lifetime. A captive subject and a glass barrier in place in which to make the lab rat feel safe! Careening up the slalom course that is also known as 3rd Avenue at rush hour, he finally answers: “If I told her I loved her, she wouldn’t believe me and would think I was up to something”.
That night, while I close yet another dark eatery, Patty the waitress brings an extra glass, professionally pours herself a healthy portion from the bottle she recommend, and sits to chat. “I really think he’s a nice guy, I mean we’ve been dating for 3 months and we just started sleeping together… I mean.. I waited to sleep with him for 2 months and the sex is really good, but he is just so…so…OK, too nice”. I gaze at her with the knowing look of a portly Rabbi’s pointing out the best, truly the best, don’t go anywhere else (and tell Solly I sent you) delicatessen. And like the Rabbi, I know that she knows that she isn’t with the best - and doesn’t yet believe that the difference between good deli and mediocre deli really matters. Even if she gets a free pickle with the guy, she really wants to (and should) go somewhere else.
A good Chianti is running through my veins and the heady aroma of Mama’s Sicilian pizza wafts through the air, three Soprano look-a–likes, sit and dine al fresco in Little Italy. These Goodfellas are a magnificent opportunity not to be missed and so with the naive charm of a true Santa Barbara girl, and thinking that cement shoes are probably just something new for Fall 07, I approach. Vinnie is the chatty one of the bunch sitting with his back against the wall. Although he vehemently declines the photo opportunity to go along with his manly account of dating in the big A, Vinnie tells it like it is. “Ya gotta be freak’in kidding! It ain’t freak’in hard. I wear my Armani, shave nice and buy her a good dinner. Always mention my ma and how I send her 8 grand every month and I drive a spank’in new Caddy… they come running, I tell you. Never a Friday night alone. Speaking of alone, what cha doing later on cutie?” Even though a ride in that new caddy sounds SOOOOO tempting, in the interest of journalistic integrity, I politely refuse. He grunts and continues. “Love? What the frick is dat?? Bunch of horse you know what. I was married for 20 years and she left me for the numbers guy…punk! Gave them the shoes, honey, gave them the shoes. Now, I only date”. The rest of the bunch were rather silent and fidgety at my inquisitive persona. After several heavily muffled cell phone calls, the well dressed and garlic-scented trio excused themselves saying they had to make a “house call”.
Dear Boys and Girls, finding real love can be harder than making your way uptown on a stalled subway system - regardless of where you are. But even with the 4, 5 and 6 subways trains are down for the count, there is always a bus, a taxi or your good old feet to take you where you want to go. Love likes a detour, now and again, and it is so much the sweeter for finding your way, all by yourself.
Have a naughty day!
P.S. Due to too much cheap Chianti and shoe shopping with Vinnie (don’t ask!) Miss Kitty’s correct answers to last week’s relationship quiz will be provided next week. (You DID answer all the questions, didn’t you?)
Friday, August 3, 2007
Snow cones and Destination Unknown
There is a virtual carnival of information available to us to improve our attitudes, adjust our perceptions and teach us to be open to riding new and improved waves. Why is it, when the new frontier is there, ready for us to hop on and take a ride, we are still inclined to give away our ticket and go home? When a situation comes along that really challenges us, (and is as clear as red snow cones outselling green ones by ten to one), we easily acknowledge the negative surrounding it, but don’t as easily, if at all, see the blessings in disguise. Is the disguise really that effective?
We can expect an infant in a highchair in a burning building to still wonder: “What happened to my applesauce?” while being carried out. But why do “mature” grown-ups carry on about the “applesauce” in their realities, instead of breathing the clean air of possibilities?
When in a relationship, hopefully we have clarified what we are signing up for. The “job description”, as it were, is defined clearly with caveats, if necessary - sort of an emotional pre-nuptial agreement. It is reasonable and prudent to know just what we are signing up for; unlike solders today that never seem to know just when their tour of duty is over. What you see should be what you get. Sometimes it is. When a fabulous bonus falls out of the sky because of the union, we take it without comment - but when there are trials and tribulations, we go on guard.
Closed up tighter than a ride at the fair five minutes after closing time, we can see the potential pitfalls with razor sharp vision (or we think that we can). We have reason to believe that we are justified in terms of previous experiences, possibilities read from supermarket tabloids and maybe even the well meaning but ever-present fear-monkeys that show up when you least need questionable advice.
It takes courage and a vision of the future (without a crystal ball) to accomplish what you want to be, instead of fearfully backing up and backing down. Many great figures of romantic tragedy show us this in living color. Cleopatra? Couldn’t negotiate properly with the Romans so she took the easy way out and let a snake do the talking. Juliet? Was it really too much to arrange a horse and carriage, grab her man and get out of Verona?
And Miss Kitty’s personal favorite, Henry the 8th! I am sure the Catholic Church and Cardinal Wolsey would have been happy to do a little pre-marital counseling or advise Henry to at least continue dating on Queen.com into his 40’s.
We have more choices in this life than we know what to do with and everything –absolutely everything - is a choice. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, but since we live in the age of embracing “coloring outside the lines” and “thinking outside the box”, couldn’t we be more like Jack and simply jump out wielding our ugly brown crayon that nobody else uses? So this week, Boys and Girls, get “outside” yourself be more like Jack!
Dear Boys and Girls: The following is a relationship quiz for you and your partner to take. (You may also use this retroactively for past experiences).
1. Do you admire your partner?
2. Do you respect the daily choices that your partner makes?
3. On a scale of 1-9, nine being the worst, is there anything that your partner does that rates under a 3?
4. Have you told your partner your answers to the above questions?
Correct answers to the quiz will be available in next Friday’s Kitty in the City!
Have a naughty day!
We can expect an infant in a highchair in a burning building to still wonder: “What happened to my applesauce?” while being carried out. But why do “mature” grown-ups carry on about the “applesauce” in their realities, instead of breathing the clean air of possibilities?
When in a relationship, hopefully we have clarified what we are signing up for. The “job description”, as it were, is defined clearly with caveats, if necessary - sort of an emotional pre-nuptial agreement. It is reasonable and prudent to know just what we are signing up for; unlike solders today that never seem to know just when their tour of duty is over. What you see should be what you get. Sometimes it is. When a fabulous bonus falls out of the sky because of the union, we take it without comment - but when there are trials and tribulations, we go on guard.
Closed up tighter than a ride at the fair five minutes after closing time, we can see the potential pitfalls with razor sharp vision (or we think that we can). We have reason to believe that we are justified in terms of previous experiences, possibilities read from supermarket tabloids and maybe even the well meaning but ever-present fear-monkeys that show up when you least need questionable advice.
It takes courage and a vision of the future (without a crystal ball) to accomplish what you want to be, instead of fearfully backing up and backing down. Many great figures of romantic tragedy show us this in living color. Cleopatra? Couldn’t negotiate properly with the Romans so she took the easy way out and let a snake do the talking. Juliet? Was it really too much to arrange a horse and carriage, grab her man and get out of Verona?
And Miss Kitty’s personal favorite, Henry the 8th! I am sure the Catholic Church and Cardinal Wolsey would have been happy to do a little pre-marital counseling or advise Henry to at least continue dating on Queen.com into his 40’s.
We have more choices in this life than we know what to do with and everything –absolutely everything - is a choice. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, but since we live in the age of embracing “coloring outside the lines” and “thinking outside the box”, couldn’t we be more like Jack and simply jump out wielding our ugly brown crayon that nobody else uses? So this week, Boys and Girls, get “outside” yourself be more like Jack!
Dear Boys and Girls: The following is a relationship quiz for you and your partner to take. (You may also use this retroactively for past experiences).
1. Do you admire your partner?
2. Do you respect the daily choices that your partner makes?
3. On a scale of 1-9, nine being the worst, is there anything that your partner does that rates under a 3?
4. Have you told your partner your answers to the above questions?
Correct answers to the quiz will be available in next Friday’s Kitty in the City!
Have a naughty day!
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