Dear Miss Kitty,
I have a friendship with a woman that is platonic. Although we have been friends for years we have drifted apart. I don’t like the idea that we have just faded away from each other but the truth is there isn’t really anything there anymore. I feel like even though it isn’t a “relationship” a “break-up would be better than just doing nothing. Do you think it would be appropriate to break-up if you decide you are no longer interested in a friendship?
Just curious, Santa Barbara
Dear Just Curious,
Somewhere, in every home there is a junk drawer. A catch-all, not always easily closed, but a convenient place to put the simple remnants of life. Red rubber bands rub shoulders with faded souvenirs, receipts so old the IRS doesn’t want them and sample packages of dry cat food. There is nothing in these drawers that we can’t really live without, but because these items have been around for so long they now appear to have a claim of validity. Their sole reason for being is because they have been.
When it comes to lovers and friends, and one has determined the relationship is really an old rubber band, does one need a break-up to clear the field? Is it easier to let go of someone with a formal good-bye? Could a yearly pruning of the Christmas card list be sufficient?
Just as we collect objects we don’t really need, as life goes by - we also collect people. A few are absolutely necessary-they enable us to fulfill our dreams, wake our desires and enjoy life as nothing else can. Considering that a relationship warrants a particular ending implies that it was a relationship of consequence.
When a relationship no longer serves us, for what ever reason, is letting it fade into nothingness as an ending so bad? We humans just don’t like failure. We perceive that the closure of something is often the failure of something. Some relationships are just old habits and if there is nothing present of significance it should feel like nothing when the relationship has faded.
Pretend you are walking on a beach and a little stone of no particular interest takes your fancy. You pick it, turn it over in your palm and put it in your pocket. At the end of the day, while taking off your pants and finding the stone in your pocket, you place it by your bedside. The next morning, with more whim than thought you put the stone into your pocket again. You repeat this for weeks and then all of a sudden you can’t leave the house without the stone. This stone of no particular interest, gathered on a passing thought, now has significance.
So when we have nothing in common anymore, when our lives have pulled us in different directions, when we have changed beyond a relationship’s capacity to hold us, the relationship has become like the little stone. It is a friendship of mode, not of friends. This application applies not only to platonic friends but lovers too, that do not love anymore. Hard as it may be, the little stone is only that and letting it go, without ceremony is appropriate. It also means there is now room in your pocket or your life for something that isn’t just a habit.
Have a naughty day!
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Friday, November 21, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Love Me or Leave Me
Dear Miss Kitty,
Every time my boyfriend and I have an argument he says maybe we should just break up. I find this really strange since most of the time we get along extremely well. When he does this I feel panicky and wonder if he is really serious. Since I really don’t think he means it, should I bring up how much it bothers me or leave it alone?
Tina, Santa Barbara
Dear Tina,
With so many possible verbal options in the human experience why is it that to stay together or not to stay together so easily can become the default comment of many arguments? Is it really a smart game plan when a heated discussion about the possibility of new flooring isn’t going in the obvious direction? Is a sneaky plan B to solo status lurking not so far away? Could it just be a throw-back to the simpler days of childhood when running away, red wagon at the ready was a viable option-at least for a few hours? Are we really looking for a way out of the conversation, not the relationship and don’t know how to say so?
Words without actions of consequence are cheap and meaningless. Like a corset without laces, nothing will ever stay where it is supposed to. Whom ever wrote “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was a clinically diagnosed psychopath. Not someone to believe on any topic, least of all human behaviors. Words can and do hurt, and someone using an implied threat-is using power because that is all they think they can do. That someone isn’t feeling like they have choice, even though they certainly do.
The trick when hearing words, used as a weapon or a distraction, is to determine just what the words really mean while remaining as detached as possible. When one is in receipt of difficult comment, it can be hard to put an immediate reaction or desire to retaliate on hold. Could Mr. I -am –out- of -here-really just not have a better way to express what he is thinking and feeling?
It is impossible unless we are best friends with Miss Clair Voyant-French psychic extraordinaire- to guess why anyone does anything. Projecting our fears or own modus operandi will only serve to confuse us and point us in a useless direction. We use a process of elimination to determine why a baby is crying, and because there only a few option we can get it right fifty percent of the time. How hard can it be when a wet diaper, hunger or being picked up for a cuddle is the main event most of the time?
With all the variables that an adult could be feeling there nothing else that works better than –“what’s up doc?”
Darling Tina, Boys and Girls, time to get out the pink highlighters and get serious about you. If you can predict someone else’s behavior- you are into a game. You know it, they know and there is something about the game that works for you both. If you are ready to be real in your relationship here is Miss Kitty’s famous three-part solution when you are ready to stop playing the game. Look cute (not really necessary but always a good move), find a neutral zone and say-
A. “I have told you I don’t like this behavior”
B. “If you continue to do this-I will do X.”
C. Now kids, here is the hardest part, no matter how the begging, pleading, bribing or cajoling goes -you have to stick with what you said in B. Even if very large diamonds or an extremely lovely puppy shows up you may not under any circumstances go back on your word. If you do, nothing will ever change and you are saying loud and clear, that you aren’t ready for anything to be any different. Be very aware of what you decide B is going to be. Think it through, make sure you absolutely mean it and can carry it out to the letter. The letter B.
We are told truths in so many ways and finding out just what that truth is, takes a better listener than a talker. Ascertaining just what is being “said” is almost always uncovered by time, but there are also times when just cutting to the chase is the best solution. In a relationship NO one deserves being threatened or treated without compassion so when it does happen, it is serious and action needs to be taken right away. By they way, if you choose to say nothing you are telling your partner that their behavior is perfectly acceptable-is that what you want to do?
Have a naughty day!
Every time my boyfriend and I have an argument he says maybe we should just break up. I find this really strange since most of the time we get along extremely well. When he does this I feel panicky and wonder if he is really serious. Since I really don’t think he means it, should I bring up how much it bothers me or leave it alone?
Tina, Santa Barbara
Dear Tina,
With so many possible verbal options in the human experience why is it that to stay together or not to stay together so easily can become the default comment of many arguments? Is it really a smart game plan when a heated discussion about the possibility of new flooring isn’t going in the obvious direction? Is a sneaky plan B to solo status lurking not so far away? Could it just be a throw-back to the simpler days of childhood when running away, red wagon at the ready was a viable option-at least for a few hours? Are we really looking for a way out of the conversation, not the relationship and don’t know how to say so?
Words without actions of consequence are cheap and meaningless. Like a corset without laces, nothing will ever stay where it is supposed to. Whom ever wrote “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was a clinically diagnosed psychopath. Not someone to believe on any topic, least of all human behaviors. Words can and do hurt, and someone using an implied threat-is using power because that is all they think they can do. That someone isn’t feeling like they have choice, even though they certainly do.
The trick when hearing words, used as a weapon or a distraction, is to determine just what the words really mean while remaining as detached as possible. When one is in receipt of difficult comment, it can be hard to put an immediate reaction or desire to retaliate on hold. Could Mr. I -am –out- of -here-really just not have a better way to express what he is thinking and feeling?
It is impossible unless we are best friends with Miss Clair Voyant-French psychic extraordinaire- to guess why anyone does anything. Projecting our fears or own modus operandi will only serve to confuse us and point us in a useless direction. We use a process of elimination to determine why a baby is crying, and because there only a few option we can get it right fifty percent of the time. How hard can it be when a wet diaper, hunger or being picked up for a cuddle is the main event most of the time?
With all the variables that an adult could be feeling there nothing else that works better than –“what’s up doc?”
Darling Tina, Boys and Girls, time to get out the pink highlighters and get serious about you. If you can predict someone else’s behavior- you are into a game. You know it, they know and there is something about the game that works for you both. If you are ready to be real in your relationship here is Miss Kitty’s famous three-part solution when you are ready to stop playing the game. Look cute (not really necessary but always a good move), find a neutral zone and say-
A. “I have told you I don’t like this behavior”
B. “If you continue to do this-I will do X.”
C. Now kids, here is the hardest part, no matter how the begging, pleading, bribing or cajoling goes -you have to stick with what you said in B. Even if very large diamonds or an extremely lovely puppy shows up you may not under any circumstances go back on your word. If you do, nothing will ever change and you are saying loud and clear, that you aren’t ready for anything to be any different. Be very aware of what you decide B is going to be. Think it through, make sure you absolutely mean it and can carry it out to the letter. The letter B.
We are told truths in so many ways and finding out just what that truth is, takes a better listener than a talker. Ascertaining just what is being “said” is almost always uncovered by time, but there are also times when just cutting to the chase is the best solution. In a relationship NO one deserves being threatened or treated without compassion so when it does happen, it is serious and action needs to be taken right away. By they way, if you choose to say nothing you are telling your partner that their behavior is perfectly acceptable-is that what you want to do?
Have a naughty day!
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