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Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Haunted woman
Darling Boys and Girls,
Halloween is almost upon us, when we shun the everyday and willing venture into the unknown. Trepidation and fear put aside for the excitement of what could be. With your unflinching spirit in tack, do you have the courage for a true tale of horror? If not, go and read the classifieds, if so, read on.
The wind was howling and the lights flickered as the power threatened to go out. Eventually it did, but she lit a dusty old candle which sparked brightly and then settled down. She looked around to get her bearings in the haunting silence. Chilled to the very bones that she called home she laid out her life and called to the spirits that on this one very special night might just answer her pleas. She called to the night that she would do anything if someone would answer her, maybe even save her. A dark presence entered the room, now bathed in shadow and a disembodied voice that was far from human, began to speak.
“Everyone has haunted rooms in the mansion they call their mind. Everyone has ghosts from the past and ghosts yet to be born. The dark spirits that haunt our present appear as fathomless opportunists of lost moments gone horribly wrong. When the repressed screams of nightmares and gut-wrenching visions sustained throughout the day can no longer be contained, the evil that is good gone wrong can finally be vanquished. Peace is possible.”
The fragile flame was no match for the eerie wind that without warning blew through the room and plunged the already dimly lit space into utter blackness. The spirit had gone. It had said all that was needed. As she sat in gloomy quiet the absolute certainty of the chilling words slowly sank down into the once brilliant dwelling of her consciousness, before it had become dank with secrets and littered with regrets. The truth, that the sector of pain and torment that resided in her thoughts, that had laid claim to her very soul, would be there forever, unless she would set them free. There was nothing to do but faced the concealed demons and bring down without remorse, the nebulous hellions that accumulate without notice.
The mystic night had presented a rare gift from the unseen and all knowing world that lives in parallel with ours. Priceless knowledge is rarely given and the spirit that gave the gift expected it to be used well. In fact the agreed upon price was very fair, knowledge in exchange for action. For the spirit she had summoned could move to the next realm of truth, if one human would change their personal destiny when given the key to true happiness -the ultimate release from self torment in its myriad forms.
As she sat, in sober reflection, but without complete belief, a single blood red thread of fear and doubt snaked its way around her throat. Her hands rose up to release the little thread which was slowly choking off her ability to call out for help. She struggled for her last breath, but the thread tightened its grip and the dim light faded to nothingness. She died as she had lived, in silent fear and great remorse.
Have a naughty Halloween.
Halloween is almost upon us, when we shun the everyday and willing venture into the unknown. Trepidation and fear put aside for the excitement of what could be. With your unflinching spirit in tack, do you have the courage for a true tale of horror? If not, go and read the classifieds, if so, read on.
The wind was howling and the lights flickered as the power threatened to go out. Eventually it did, but she lit a dusty old candle which sparked brightly and then settled down. She looked around to get her bearings in the haunting silence. Chilled to the very bones that she called home she laid out her life and called to the spirits that on this one very special night might just answer her pleas. She called to the night that she would do anything if someone would answer her, maybe even save her. A dark presence entered the room, now bathed in shadow and a disembodied voice that was far from human, began to speak.
“Everyone has haunted rooms in the mansion they call their mind. Everyone has ghosts from the past and ghosts yet to be born. The dark spirits that haunt our present appear as fathomless opportunists of lost moments gone horribly wrong. When the repressed screams of nightmares and gut-wrenching visions sustained throughout the day can no longer be contained, the evil that is good gone wrong can finally be vanquished. Peace is possible.”
The fragile flame was no match for the eerie wind that without warning blew through the room and plunged the already dimly lit space into utter blackness. The spirit had gone. It had said all that was needed. As she sat in gloomy quiet the absolute certainty of the chilling words slowly sank down into the once brilliant dwelling of her consciousness, before it had become dank with secrets and littered with regrets. The truth, that the sector of pain and torment that resided in her thoughts, that had laid claim to her very soul, would be there forever, unless she would set them free. There was nothing to do but faced the concealed demons and bring down without remorse, the nebulous hellions that accumulate without notice.
The mystic night had presented a rare gift from the unseen and all knowing world that lives in parallel with ours. Priceless knowledge is rarely given and the spirit that gave the gift expected it to be used well. In fact the agreed upon price was very fair, knowledge in exchange for action. For the spirit she had summoned could move to the next realm of truth, if one human would change their personal destiny when given the key to true happiness -the ultimate release from self torment in its myriad forms.
As she sat, in sober reflection, but without complete belief, a single blood red thread of fear and doubt snaked its way around her throat. Her hands rose up to release the little thread which was slowly choking off her ability to call out for help. She struggled for her last breath, but the thread tightened its grip and the dim light faded to nothingness. She died as she had lived, in silent fear and great remorse.
Have a naughty Halloween.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Let sleeping dogs lie
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband-to-be wants to meet my father. I haven’t seen my father for over 15 years and have no relationship with him. For the record, I am more than fine with that. I have tried to explain that it has nothing to do with hiding anything (the BF thinks this) and everything to do with this is a part of my past that I intend to keep as my past. I don’t understand why this is so hard for him to get. How do I explain it so he can understand and not feel bad about it?
KP, SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Along with certain salaries, the contents of wills and Alvin (the Chipmunk’s) middle name, some things are confidential for good reason. However, it is generally expected that within a relationship of consequence, there is an interest in wanting to share our past. When we first meet we want to tell “our” story. It is something we own that can explain why we do the things we do. A shortcut to our idiosyncrasies, our beliefs - and why we swallow gum instead of chew it like a normal person. The story of us is not shared with all and sundry; and often it takes a serious relationship where we feel safe enough to want to divulge what has made us the person we are.
However, if something is in the past and no longer a part of how we see ourselves, does it need to be revealed like Jimmy Hoffa’s last resting place? Are we not entitled when we have laid our ghosts to rest to let them rest in peace? If we are content with what was, does anyone else really need a say?
Where there is mystery or at least something we don’t understand from our point of reality, we tend to imagine all sorts of things. We fill in the cracks that don’t make sense with “something”. This something is our way of reconciling a situation so we can make sense of it. Unfortunately, this highly unrecognized but often used“technique” causes more harm, and never any good. You can’t fill in the blanks of what you do not know. It is like filling in a crossword puzzle with anything just to have all the spaces filled and get it done. The end result is nonsense and a waste of a damn good puzzle.
I would suggest that by unveiling the mystery (that isn’t) your BF will feel more comfortable with the idea that you are a person that does not have the need to have the person that donated half of your genes, if nothing else, in your life. I would also encourage your BF to let you know what he has “imagined” so both of you can put his fantasy in perspective. There is no need for a detailed accounting or saying more than is comfortable for you, but rare is the individual that can just accept what is, without question.
Darling K, Boys and Girls, we are all entitled to the choices we make in our own best interests. After all, who could ever know us better than we know ourselves? We also have certain requirements in the interest of being a good human to make those that are close to us feel safe. Explanations don’t necessarily put one on the defensive - after all, what we are sharing is information and facts as we see them. Disclosure isn’t always about being understood, it is often so the loved one can fill in the blanks with something real, and so you can both move on.
My husband-to-be wants to meet my father. I haven’t seen my father for over 15 years and have no relationship with him. For the record, I am more than fine with that. I have tried to explain that it has nothing to do with hiding anything (the BF thinks this) and everything to do with this is a part of my past that I intend to keep as my past. I don’t understand why this is so hard for him to get. How do I explain it so he can understand and not feel bad about it?
KP, SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Along with certain salaries, the contents of wills and Alvin (the Chipmunk’s) middle name, some things are confidential for good reason. However, it is generally expected that within a relationship of consequence, there is an interest in wanting to share our past. When we first meet we want to tell “our” story. It is something we own that can explain why we do the things we do. A shortcut to our idiosyncrasies, our beliefs - and why we swallow gum instead of chew it like a normal person. The story of us is not shared with all and sundry; and often it takes a serious relationship where we feel safe enough to want to divulge what has made us the person we are.
However, if something is in the past and no longer a part of how we see ourselves, does it need to be revealed like Jimmy Hoffa’s last resting place? Are we not entitled when we have laid our ghosts to rest to let them rest in peace? If we are content with what was, does anyone else really need a say?
Where there is mystery or at least something we don’t understand from our point of reality, we tend to imagine all sorts of things. We fill in the cracks that don’t make sense with “something”. This something is our way of reconciling a situation so we can make sense of it. Unfortunately, this highly unrecognized but often used“technique” causes more harm, and never any good. You can’t fill in the blanks of what you do not know. It is like filling in a crossword puzzle with anything just to have all the spaces filled and get it done. The end result is nonsense and a waste of a damn good puzzle.
I would suggest that by unveiling the mystery (that isn’t) your BF will feel more comfortable with the idea that you are a person that does not have the need to have the person that donated half of your genes, if nothing else, in your life. I would also encourage your BF to let you know what he has “imagined” so both of you can put his fantasy in perspective. There is no need for a detailed accounting or saying more than is comfortable for you, but rare is the individual that can just accept what is, without question.
Darling K, Boys and Girls, we are all entitled to the choices we make in our own best interests. After all, who could ever know us better than we know ourselves? We also have certain requirements in the interest of being a good human to make those that are close to us feel safe. Explanations don’t necessarily put one on the defensive - after all, what we are sharing is information and facts as we see them. Disclosure isn’t always about being understood, it is often so the loved one can fill in the blanks with something real, and so you can both move on.
Friday, October 15, 2010
A Possible Happy Birthday
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband's 50th birthday is coming up and I want it to be special for him. When I asked him what would make the day meaningful he didn’t give me much to go on. He said whatever I plan will be great. I know this isn’t true since 3 years ago I took him to Las Vegas and he said it was too crowded and didn’t like the smoke. I know birthdays are important to him and I want to get it right. Not over or under do. It seems in these situations it is impossible to know what the right thing is. Do you have any ideas?
Cynthia, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Cynthia,
A basic stand-by is to put a large bow on your naked self while offering a homemade apple pie and singing Marilyn Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday to You. This can be done privately at home or in public if the restaurant is given enough notice, a 30% gratuity, and doesn’t have a kids menu. Other than this fairly safe and often highly appreciated suggestion, you are on your own. I don’t know the birthday boy in question and there is no such thing as the “perfect gift”. What I can tell you is it is certain that birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even the ill-revered Valentine’s Day, will bring forth a bit of confusion for most of us gift-givers.
When you think about it, isn’t it surprising that the person we spend so much of our existence with can give us the most trouble when it comes to giving them a happy birthday? Is not knowing what to do a sign that we don’t really know them? Are we lacking something if we don’t know? I don’t think so, but I do wonder is why is it so difficult for the intended receiver to throw us a bone when asked?
Granted some people are much easier to gift than others. Plenty of people are happy that someone remembered a birthday or an anniversary, let alone needing a token of acknowledgement. Others are downright insistent that their day is deserving of nothing less than a hiring a skywriter. Casting no judgment here, what is important is that when asked, the birthday boy or girl has an opinion. After all, it is their day.
So maybe the real question is why don’t we feel comfortable about letting someone know what we really want? Kids are great at this. Without hesitation or secret clues they will clearly tell you what and where and how. When we grow up why are we afraid to voice our wants? Why does someone wanting to do something nice for us cause us anxiety? Are we truly timid when asking for what we want? Is it really so difficult to ask for an Easy Bake oven or a trip to Paris? It appears to be a tall order for most people, even within a healthy relationship to give an honest answer. How ironic is that!
Perhaps the practical approach is to simply say that you really need to know (and please be specific). Veiled hints and guessing games place too much burden on both parties and are unnecessary. In fact, they detract from the joy the giver might very well experience. At least this approach might lead to a dialog where (with some careful maneuvering) you will find out that he really does want you to wear a bow, make a pie and sing like Marilyn.
Darling Cynthia, Boys and Girls, just because you have lived with someone for a long time doesn't mean you can second guess their secret wishes. Wanting to know what would make someone else happy is caring and thoughtful. So be the Spanish Inquisition and dig a bit. If you still get, “Anything is fine” then take it for the truth it just may be.
My husband's 50th birthday is coming up and I want it to be special for him. When I asked him what would make the day meaningful he didn’t give me much to go on. He said whatever I plan will be great. I know this isn’t true since 3 years ago I took him to Las Vegas and he said it was too crowded and didn’t like the smoke. I know birthdays are important to him and I want to get it right. Not over or under do. It seems in these situations it is impossible to know what the right thing is. Do you have any ideas?
Cynthia, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Cynthia,
A basic stand-by is to put a large bow on your naked self while offering a homemade apple pie and singing Marilyn Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday to You. This can be done privately at home or in public if the restaurant is given enough notice, a 30% gratuity, and doesn’t have a kids menu. Other than this fairly safe and often highly appreciated suggestion, you are on your own. I don’t know the birthday boy in question and there is no such thing as the “perfect gift”. What I can tell you is it is certain that birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even the ill-revered Valentine’s Day, will bring forth a bit of confusion for most of us gift-givers.
When you think about it, isn’t it surprising that the person we spend so much of our existence with can give us the most trouble when it comes to giving them a happy birthday? Is not knowing what to do a sign that we don’t really know them? Are we lacking something if we don’t know? I don’t think so, but I do wonder is why is it so difficult for the intended receiver to throw us a bone when asked?
Granted some people are much easier to gift than others. Plenty of people are happy that someone remembered a birthday or an anniversary, let alone needing a token of acknowledgement. Others are downright insistent that their day is deserving of nothing less than a hiring a skywriter. Casting no judgment here, what is important is that when asked, the birthday boy or girl has an opinion. After all, it is their day.
So maybe the real question is why don’t we feel comfortable about letting someone know what we really want? Kids are great at this. Without hesitation or secret clues they will clearly tell you what and where and how. When we grow up why are we afraid to voice our wants? Why does someone wanting to do something nice for us cause us anxiety? Are we truly timid when asking for what we want? Is it really so difficult to ask for an Easy Bake oven or a trip to Paris? It appears to be a tall order for most people, even within a healthy relationship to give an honest answer. How ironic is that!
Perhaps the practical approach is to simply say that you really need to know (and please be specific). Veiled hints and guessing games place too much burden on both parties and are unnecessary. In fact, they detract from the joy the giver might very well experience. At least this approach might lead to a dialog where (with some careful maneuvering) you will find out that he really does want you to wear a bow, make a pie and sing like Marilyn.
Darling Cynthia, Boys and Girls, just because you have lived with someone for a long time doesn't mean you can second guess their secret wishes. Wanting to know what would make someone else happy is caring and thoughtful. So be the Spanish Inquisition and dig a bit. If you still get, “Anything is fine” then take it for the truth it just may be.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Looking at the opposite sex: The two second rule
Dear Miss Kitty,
My girlfriend says it is really rude that I look at other women. She says that I am being disrespectful of her. I told her I love her and guys just look at attractive women. That is how it is, it has always been that way and basically we can't help it. She reads your column so could you tell her that it is normal and not to worry about it. Thanks.
Jeff, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jeff,
Of course I will tell her that a man looking at women is normal and that you “just can't help it”. Are there any other things that you would like me to lie to her about while I’m at it? Since I already feel the flames of hell licking at my high heels for pretending to defend you, shall I also tell her that you are the man of her dreams and she should bow, scrape and be eternally grateful for having such a highly educated and emotionally mature man in her life? By the way Jeff, since we have left planet earth and are entirely in the realm of fantasy, let me enlighten you on a few of the myths that thrive in the manure-laden pastures of common thought.
It is a universally held belief that boys will be boys and look at girls. When boys are boys and not attached men, they can respectfully check out the opposite sex. So can girls. Oh my goodness Jeff - did you just drop your Corona? With a sterile goat as my witness, know and believe this: Girls look, leer and lust as much as boys do. Girls however, tend to do it with a bit more finesse. With adroit cleverness they gaze upon many a handsome creature - however the man-cake on display never feels anything, since she is subtle. Hello! Subtle!
On the other hand, boys (and men that think like boys), rarely master the art of a simple look. It becomes an ogling, eye-popping, tongue-dragging foray into Estrogen Valley, where the natives are friendly - but don't take kindly to being objectified and sexualized. For damn good reasons, I might add. Women are always more than just a piece of you-know-what - and if men had any sense they would grasp that and stop making excuses for immature behavior.
Does that mean that when in the company of a partner that we should exchange our Blackberry for a white cane and shuffle along the sidewalk, stooped over and head-hanging? Should we avert our eyes just in case we’re caught “not-looking?” Can we only notice naked models of perfection when they are Greek, made of stone and at least 2000 years old? As humans, part of our natural instinct is noticing what is attractive in our surroundings - be it human, excellent shoes, or the way the light looks on a fall afternoon. Looking briefly, nicely and then moving on is what is reasonable. Drooling or pretending not to drool but needing a bib is not reasonable. Especially, when in a relationship.
Here is a good rule of thumb: Remember the 2 second rule when food is dropped to the floor? It applies here as well, two seconds to look (if you must) and then let go of any further thoughts. And thoughts should never be like left over restaurant food-and reheated later on that night.
With the strength of the un-enlightened masses backing up the premise that “thoughts” don't matter, it is easy to rationalize away any and all guilt that what we think doesn't affect anyone else - let alone our own minds and psyche. Just who came up with what she doesn't know won't hurt her? Martha Stewart when she was out of crepe paper, chicken wire and gumdrops?
Thoughts are the most powerful things on the entire planet. They are the beginning and the end of all we know. Nothing except a true natural disaster is born without thought. Not an invention, a Nation, and certainly not a relationship of any value. Before love is an action, it is a thought. A kiss starts as a thought. Can anyone really believe anything else? All images and thoughts that enter the mind stay there forever. Just because the recall is sketchy doesn't mean that it doesn't exist lounging around in the gray matter, capable of causing something related to manifest. Even the thoughts we think we have control of show up as dreams, life choices and personal torments that are anything but fun.
Darling Jeff, Boys and Girls, Thoughts have the ability to impact us in more ways then there are visions to contemplate. The quick little fantasy of the brunette at Starbucks this morning glistens in the brain, the way a wedding band shines in the sunlight. It only takes the right stimulation to evoke the fantasy - or what’s behind the sparkle. We are either free, and truly in control of our thoughts (which now we know are reality in the making) or we are eternally no more than lab rats, being pushed and pulled by whatever is dropped into our cage.
Have a naughty day!
My girlfriend says it is really rude that I look at other women. She says that I am being disrespectful of her. I told her I love her and guys just look at attractive women. That is how it is, it has always been that way and basically we can't help it. She reads your column so could you tell her that it is normal and not to worry about it. Thanks.
Jeff, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jeff,
Of course I will tell her that a man looking at women is normal and that you “just can't help it”. Are there any other things that you would like me to lie to her about while I’m at it? Since I already feel the flames of hell licking at my high heels for pretending to defend you, shall I also tell her that you are the man of her dreams and she should bow, scrape and be eternally grateful for having such a highly educated and emotionally mature man in her life? By the way Jeff, since we have left planet earth and are entirely in the realm of fantasy, let me enlighten you on a few of the myths that thrive in the manure-laden pastures of common thought.
It is a universally held belief that boys will be boys and look at girls. When boys are boys and not attached men, they can respectfully check out the opposite sex. So can girls. Oh my goodness Jeff - did you just drop your Corona? With a sterile goat as my witness, know and believe this: Girls look, leer and lust as much as boys do. Girls however, tend to do it with a bit more finesse. With adroit cleverness they gaze upon many a handsome creature - however the man-cake on display never feels anything, since she is subtle. Hello! Subtle!
On the other hand, boys (and men that think like boys), rarely master the art of a simple look. It becomes an ogling, eye-popping, tongue-dragging foray into Estrogen Valley, where the natives are friendly - but don't take kindly to being objectified and sexualized. For damn good reasons, I might add. Women are always more than just a piece of you-know-what - and if men had any sense they would grasp that and stop making excuses for immature behavior.
Does that mean that when in the company of a partner that we should exchange our Blackberry for a white cane and shuffle along the sidewalk, stooped over and head-hanging? Should we avert our eyes just in case we’re caught “not-looking?” Can we only notice naked models of perfection when they are Greek, made of stone and at least 2000 years old? As humans, part of our natural instinct is noticing what is attractive in our surroundings - be it human, excellent shoes, or the way the light looks on a fall afternoon. Looking briefly, nicely and then moving on is what is reasonable. Drooling or pretending not to drool but needing a bib is not reasonable. Especially, when in a relationship.
Here is a good rule of thumb: Remember the 2 second rule when food is dropped to the floor? It applies here as well, two seconds to look (if you must) and then let go of any further thoughts. And thoughts should never be like left over restaurant food-and reheated later on that night.
With the strength of the un-enlightened masses backing up the premise that “thoughts” don't matter, it is easy to rationalize away any and all guilt that what we think doesn't affect anyone else - let alone our own minds and psyche. Just who came up with what she doesn't know won't hurt her? Martha Stewart when she was out of crepe paper, chicken wire and gumdrops?
Thoughts are the most powerful things on the entire planet. They are the beginning and the end of all we know. Nothing except a true natural disaster is born without thought. Not an invention, a Nation, and certainly not a relationship of any value. Before love is an action, it is a thought. A kiss starts as a thought. Can anyone really believe anything else? All images and thoughts that enter the mind stay there forever. Just because the recall is sketchy doesn't mean that it doesn't exist lounging around in the gray matter, capable of causing something related to manifest. Even the thoughts we think we have control of show up as dreams, life choices and personal torments that are anything but fun.
Darling Jeff, Boys and Girls, Thoughts have the ability to impact us in more ways then there are visions to contemplate. The quick little fantasy of the brunette at Starbucks this morning glistens in the brain, the way a wedding band shines in the sunlight. It only takes the right stimulation to evoke the fantasy - or what’s behind the sparkle. We are either free, and truly in control of our thoughts (which now we know are reality in the making) or we are eternally no more than lab rats, being pushed and pulled by whatever is dropped into our cage.
Have a naughty day!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Trust needed in marriage
Dear Miss Kitty,
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, September 17, 2010
To trust or not to trust
Dear Miss Kitty,
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.
The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.
It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.
There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.
Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.
Have a naughty day!
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