Facing The Music

Dear Miss Kitty,

I can’t believe I am writing for advice, but I don’t want any of my friends to know what I did and I really need to get some help. I had too much to drink a few months ago and I cheated on my BF. I only did it this once and I am racked with guilt. Do I tell him? If I do, he will be devastated and I know I will NEVER do it again. Help!

Ashley, Santa Barbara

DEAR ASHLEY,

Since we can’t live our lives backwards and orchestrate the picture-perfect life, we all need personal ethical codes in place to help us mitigate the possible sting of inappropriate moments. Moments that are never worth the havoc that they create are eliminated because there is a personal line that is never crossed - with no exceptions. These codes are set firmly in place to keep us safe, sound and content, amidst a swirling world of greener grass and temporary insanity.

Knowing that we have learned a lesson - albeit the hard way - is not enough to make good (even for a moment) our rationalization that the behavior was acceptable in the first place. As easy as it might be, blame can not be dropped at the feet of Mr. Jim Beam, Mr. Jack Daniels or even Senor Jose Cuervo. Deep down there is always a moment when we know exactly what we are doing. The deep angst that is felt after a haul across the “finished” line is almost audible, as the desire to undo what has been done resounds through every moment of the present.

As cruel as some of the Darling Boys and Girls might think it I am, from these green cats’ eyes, I think you need to experience all the pain you are feeling. If you thought for even one minute that there would be a simile-laden loophole in the Miss Kitty Guide to Appropriate Relationship Behavior, you were as wrong as a young pig trying out for the San Francisco Opera Company.

Remorse can be a beautiful thing. In fact, it might be the one thing that will take you to a place where you can contemplate why you have it in you to misrepresent yourself in such a grand manner. As sad as it is the haunting words, “he will be devastated” didn’t seem to carry any weight when you were caught up in the moment, but perhaps they can help you now because you really - without any question - have to tell him what happened. The telling is not a release of remorse, the telling is not to release you from the pain you have put yourself in; the telling is because he has a right to know whom you really are.

That truth is that you are able to compromise your relationship as well as yourself and this kind of information is never on a need-to-know basis.

Darling Ashley, as tough as it is going to be - and it will be - you can do it. This is the only way to honestly have a part in this relationship or if he chooses to, leave it. After you tell him, the next move belongs entirely to him, and he gets as much time as he likes to deal with it. As uncomfortable as that is, remember just who put this nasty little conversation into play.

Have a not so naughty day!