Waiting Out the Pain

Dear Miss Kitty,

Last week you answered a reader who had cheated on her boyfriend. You told her she had to tell him what happened and let him decide what to do next. Ironic as it sounds, not only did I read that particular column - I was the boyfriend. She took your (excellent and thank you for that) advice and told me. She was right, I am devastated. For the record, we are not kids. Both in our mid-30’s, each with a previous marriage under our belts, I really thought I had found the one. In fact, what she didn’t know is that I was planning to propose later this summer. I know I am not thinking very straight since she is the last person I would have thought could have done this and as you know, she swears she would never do it again. Since you know the story and apparently so does all of Santa Barbara, what do I do now?

Mike, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Mike,

To begin with, I feel your pain and so does anyone that has ever been the recipient of a cheating partner. As much as it may feel like fresh lemon juice on a paper cut, be glad she fessed up and you now know the truth. There are many unknowingly slighted victims of such scandalous behavior that are never told, and are innocently living a lie. (How do you think that would feel twenty years later)?

I am not trying to make you feel better by the way; I would never do that and you have every right to whatever you are feeling. Being compromised by someones conscience choice is a rotten place to be. At the same time this is not the work of Satan. This is the work of your “beloved”.

Which bring us to the quote of the week courtesy of Sir Walter Scott. “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” How does one untangle a web so one can clearly make a healthy decision at this point in time? Is it possible to repair the damage? Is it plausible to consider that she can be trusted? Should a relationship survive when the foundation, i.e. the trust is now as cracked as a California State Freeway after an 8.6 earthquake?

I have a remote crystal ball so lets look into your head and see just where you are right now. I see a few evil thoughts of retribution, a lot of sorrow, the kind of pain that lurks in the solar plexus, a very large slice of sausage and pepperoni pizza, and a whole lot of questions. In fact there are so many questions in that head, it looks like the Riddler is running around naked because you have his green jumpsuit stuck between your frontal and temporal lobes.

As much a few peanut butter cookies with a beer chaser might help for a while, there is no immediate remedy and no reason to have a plan. With the wind taken out of yours sails, how could you possibly go anywhere safely?

With that in mind, take the pressure off yourself and make no decisions. Let the questions swirl in and out and pick two colors. Attribute one of the colors to you and one to you-know-who. The questions after such a shock are like a temporary but severe case of OCD and they need to be managed. The problem is that most of the questions are not manageable by you, because they have nothing to do with you. Especially the ones about “the other guy”. Breathe, Mike, Breathe….

When a question comes in, grab it with your mind and qualify it: is it about you or her? (That’s were the colors come in, because even serious thinking should have some style).

If it’s a “you” question, make it orange and write it down. Think about it.

Right now it's all about you - what you believe in, value and want for yourself. It’s not about “the relationship”. If the perplexing problem belongs to “her”, make it red and let it go. You can not answer it and there is no point in trying. Speaking of her, you will also want to stay away from Satan’s spawn, oh EXCUSE me, I mean your "girlfriend for a while". (I apologize about that catty little remark but it slipped out. Nothing makes me feel like scratching out eyes more than the lack of respect that is shown when someone cheats or lies).

As much as you would like to, you can not, in all honesty, trust her right now and it would not be in your best interests to do so. This was obviously a serious relationship since you were considering marriage and a lot of thought needs to happen before any action is taken. Eventually, when you look back from a happy time in the future, you will know you made the right choice.

Darling Mike, Boys and Girls, Staples sells relationship signs, “Give it a chance”, “Love conquers all” and “Dump the -you-know-what”. Only you can decide - and decide only when you are ready to do so.

Have a naughty day!