Good Cookies and Bad Fireworks

Dear Miss Kitty,
This year I have had three boyfriends. Each relationship lasted about 2 months. Nothing hideous happened, I just knew that what I ultimately needed wasn’t there and I didn’t want to waste my time. Several friends of mine are appalled and think I should have “tried” to make it work, especially the last one. Is there a rule or time frame regarding testing someone out?
Lisa, Montecito



Dear Lisa,
Software can be downloaded free to be examined before purchase; food can be ordered, tasted and sent back to the kitchen if it doesn’t meet with approval; and relationships can be tried, tested and (based on discovered data), be returned - but never from whence they came. Nothing life-changing is going to happen when sniffing the cork, having a little sip and making a decision to drink or not to drink, but when it comes to sniffing out the truth of what someone can - and can not - be for you, there is some level of nose-wrinkling sourness. That being said, enduring some consequence is always worth avoiding a big mistake.

It is praiseworthy to know what you want and even more commendable to actually be so true to your ideals that you are willing to say “next!” so quickly. On the other hand - and there always is another hand (unless you are the Venus di Milo) - checking into the psyche before checking into another hotel is usually a good practice to start with.

Are relationship ideals too-often set to a standard where no human being could ever manage to scale the heights of such perfection? Does this ability to catalog character flaws lead straight to the path of least commitment? Where is the line in the sand when it comes to what we will and will not “take” when it comes to another person’s persona?

Let’s pretend her psyche-work has been done and there are no commitment anxieties, phobias or other relationship issues as a whole to stop Miss Lisa from having a satisfying relationship. She has made it clear that there is no need to wear a hair shirt and endure less than what she wants - and she knows it at two months (By the way, a hair shirt relationship is when the relationship feels itchy, uncomfortable and down right wrong, but you continue because you really haven’t done your work yet). This appears to be a sound and very reasonable approach (Miss Lisa, come into Purrmission and claim your free pink panties for being so smart).

Considering that most people are on their best behavior (in order to get a cookie or something better) during the first two months of dating, if someone’s lack of something or too much of something else are not suitable (regardless of the rationale), it is a sign. It takes a whole lot of love to forgive, overlook and generally not be bothered by something, be it big or small. If an idiosyncrasy or plain old incompatibility is rising to the top, like oil on water, it does mean this person is not for you.

Scene 1. A couple is on their third date at a charming little bistro. So far, there haven’t been 4th of July Fireworks, but things are humming along nicely. Her dinner arrives stone cold and she has a fit worthy of Paris Hilton finding out that her Prada is a fake. Somewhat in shock, he decides that anyone that would go so Norman Bates over a chilly dish isn’t someone he would like to spend his time with. Darling Boys and Girls, (not Lisa, as hopefully she would catch this) our errant diner APOLOGIZES and says she doesn’t know what came over her and is SO sorry and had a TERRIBLE week. What does our easily loveable man do? A. Overlook the faux pas completely. B. Take note of the behavior and make a mental “oops” mark on his checklist. C. Skip desert, skip the Bates Motel and get back on Match.com.

As harsh as it may seem, most nice people (because we are trained to be polite over taking care of ourselves) would give Miss Attitude another chance. Should they? Absolutely not - and here’s why: She obviously forgot about the cookie, slipped into her real psycho-self, and her real psycho-self still has some work to do before she is ready to be in a loving and healthy relationship.

There is no way anyone can know everything in two months, as it takes a lifetime to really know another human being. Fifty or so days are enough time to see, hear and feel, and at least have a glimmer of reality. If the reality you find out in the first fifty ends up not being worthy of your precious self, it is more than reasonable to move on. If one is racking up relationships faster than a race car across the finish line, one might consider being a bit more particular about the ride, but that is a column for another time.

Have a naughty day!