Dear Miss Kitty,
I moved to Santa Barbara about 6 months ago. In the last 4 months I have dated 17 different women and there hasn’t been more than a 2nd date with anyone. What is it about women in Santa Barbara? All they seem to be interested in is my bank account. I know it will sound like I am tooting my own horn, but really I am a nice guy, good looking and have my life together. Why can’t I meet a nice women that likes me, for me?
Greg M, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Greg,
It seems that although most of us claim to be “nice boy and girls”, with our lives well organized and comfortable, finding someone else that is “nice and together” is a bit of a challenge. Is it possible the problem lies in where we are looking, how we are looking, or that we are looking at all? Could it be that although we think we have it wired, there are a few lose connections in how we are going about the process? Maybe the rumor is true, god forbid and there really are a few good women (and men) out there?
Yes, yes and no! If Miss K hears one more mention of the lack of availability of decent humans out there for dating consummation, she is going to cough up a fur ball. Everyone knows that two wrongs don’t make a right, but maybe 10 or more wrongs do.
When we like whom we have grown up to be and feel good about our value on the open market, it is disappointing to keep knocking on doors where no one is home. But like any real estate agent worth his or her commission will tell you, you never know when the slot machine will pay out and prospecting is part of the process. Prospecting allows you to practice your skills to be a wonderful human, a successful dater, and gives you plenty of material should you ever decide to write a dating column.
Getting back to the serious matter at hand,it can be frustrating that there is a seemingly endless parade of men and women entering our lives. Who, even for one evening, are not even a lick of the creamy ice cream they claim to be. Just how much trial and error is one supposed to consider fair and part of the whole pay to play ratio? The easy, reassuring and self-soothing answer to this question might be (a-la-Goldilocks) the juuuust riiigghhht amount. Wake up and smell the porridge. The cold hard truth is plenty and your job is to have a good time hauling in the net, going through the catch and throwing most of it back most of the time.
One’s over-reliance on the concept of “fairness”; and the perception that one must in some way “pay” before reaping the benefits of dating is a sure-fire way to set your self up for ultimate failure. It works badly in politics and is twice as stupid when it comes to dating.
Is it possible that you’re going to fall head-over-heels in love, then dreamily go steady, get engaged, then be summarily dumped because he really detests your tattoo and prefers heavy set Slavic women – EVERY second time you go out? Didn’t think so.
When looking, and remember that is what dating is, keep it light, fun, and leave the ultimate agenda (fill in the blank) at home. If you can’t possibly leave the memo’s to self to marry in 6 months taped to the fridge at home, think of dating as window shopping, as opposed to committing yourself to the entire encyclopedia set to be paid off in 563 easy payments of .80 each. This makes for a much better date. Without all the pressure on, the fragile humans that we are, can get to know each other more easily.
A true Miss Kitty event, was to be bitten on her 8 year old derriere by a large German Shepard. Today I love dogs, even Shepherds. To succeed in dating and long term relationships being persistent pays off in spades, even if it does mean being “bitten” more than twice.
Darling Greg, Boys and Girls it seems that once again, it comes down to great attitude, not latitude. There are PLENTY of truly fabulous creatures out there. Some are worth a second look, some a second date and some are second to none.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, March 28, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Nothing Left to Lose
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I have a great relationship in no uncertain terms, but although we talk and work through so much, there is always something else and I am tired of it. Sometimes I wish there was someway to get to a place with no issues left to discuss. Is there another way?
Carole
Dear Carole,
Finding ourselves always constant with our good feelings within a relationship, is a bit like being surprised when traipsing across a daisy field on a summer day and being reduced to little fragments as we inadvertently step on a land mine. Marriages are clearly marked as a work in progress and regardless of how hard we work to make sure we are always forth right and clear with each other, there are still issues that sneak away from us and plant themselves into our future. Could the purpose of the present really be an opportunity to help us to clear up our todays as well as our tomorrows?
As in fashion, when pink is the new black and white is better than every before; problems tend to surface when we really are willing to deal with the here and now. That is a good thing for a relationship. A safe and soothing conversation can turn into a whirling pool of new information when both partners are willing to strip down and let everything out. Both a blessing and curse, a healthy relationship enables us to work on and through both things we want to say and things we aren’t so sure about letting our of the bag just yet.
Although the mines may surface and casualties may arise, there is no better system in place to deal with the fall out, than an open conversation with your beloved and no time restrictions. There are moments when arms get crossed, voices are raised and a whole bag of cookies seems like a better idea than continuing across the harsh landscape of emotional work. But even the cookies are not as good as getting to the real end of a conversation. The place where arms are around you, voices are raised with happiness and the cookies take a back seat, to well, the back seat.
In the children’s fairy tale, The Emperors New Clothes, no one except a little innocent is aware that the noble Emperor is strolling around in his birthday suit. In a relationship it only takes one “innocent” to break out of the pack of two, and declare just what aspect of the relationship is strutting around pretending to be something it is not.
As freeing as taking it all off can be, so is disrobing the way we wish a feeling would be and seeing it for what it is. Examine jealousy under a bright and glare free light for a moment. We are taught that jealousy is bad; it is one of the two emotions that has a color associated with it and that must mean something. (The only other emotion that rates a color is anger hued a dangerous red).
So, pretend for a moment and let the sickly feelings of jealousy (maybe its colored green for nauseous) wash over you. Even when pretending, tt doesn’t feel good does it? Jealousy is considered a low and base emotion, hardly fitting for evolved humans. But what if you accepted that a momentary flash of it was well within the bounds of normal and wasn’t such a big deal after all. Appling that logic to some other emotions like anger, regret, sadness, and fear and you realize that regardless of how wonderful a relationship is, there are going to be fleeting moments where one feels something that we don’t want to, but it is there none the less.
When you accept that the feeling can run over you, like warm rain and dry right off, it isn’t so bad and in fact gets you across the daisy field to be where you want in your relationship faster than trying to avoid the land mines. Are the mines destined to always be lurking under the surface lying in wait to change a romantic evening to one of healthy conversation about a maybe not so healthy topic? It’s very possible.
However, Darling Boys, Girls and Carole, that is not a necessarily a bad thing. It is just part and parcel of the path through the flowers of your choice. And as long as the field is somewhere that you enjoy spending your time, you trust that you are ultimately safe, (regardless of the pending mines)you might as well bring a picnic, a soft blanket and plan to stay awhile. At least for a lifetime.
Have a naughty day!
My husband and I have a great relationship in no uncertain terms, but although we talk and work through so much, there is always something else and I am tired of it. Sometimes I wish there was someway to get to a place with no issues left to discuss. Is there another way?
Carole
Dear Carole,
Finding ourselves always constant with our good feelings within a relationship, is a bit like being surprised when traipsing across a daisy field on a summer day and being reduced to little fragments as we inadvertently step on a land mine. Marriages are clearly marked as a work in progress and regardless of how hard we work to make sure we are always forth right and clear with each other, there are still issues that sneak away from us and plant themselves into our future. Could the purpose of the present really be an opportunity to help us to clear up our todays as well as our tomorrows?
As in fashion, when pink is the new black and white is better than every before; problems tend to surface when we really are willing to deal with the here and now. That is a good thing for a relationship. A safe and soothing conversation can turn into a whirling pool of new information when both partners are willing to strip down and let everything out. Both a blessing and curse, a healthy relationship enables us to work on and through both things we want to say and things we aren’t so sure about letting our of the bag just yet.
Although the mines may surface and casualties may arise, there is no better system in place to deal with the fall out, than an open conversation with your beloved and no time restrictions. There are moments when arms get crossed, voices are raised and a whole bag of cookies seems like a better idea than continuing across the harsh landscape of emotional work. But even the cookies are not as good as getting to the real end of a conversation. The place where arms are around you, voices are raised with happiness and the cookies take a back seat, to well, the back seat.
In the children’s fairy tale, The Emperors New Clothes, no one except a little innocent is aware that the noble Emperor is strolling around in his birthday suit. In a relationship it only takes one “innocent” to break out of the pack of two, and declare just what aspect of the relationship is strutting around pretending to be something it is not.
As freeing as taking it all off can be, so is disrobing the way we wish a feeling would be and seeing it for what it is. Examine jealousy under a bright and glare free light for a moment. We are taught that jealousy is bad; it is one of the two emotions that has a color associated with it and that must mean something. (The only other emotion that rates a color is anger hued a dangerous red).
So, pretend for a moment and let the sickly feelings of jealousy (maybe its colored green for nauseous) wash over you. Even when pretending, tt doesn’t feel good does it? Jealousy is considered a low and base emotion, hardly fitting for evolved humans. But what if you accepted that a momentary flash of it was well within the bounds of normal and wasn’t such a big deal after all. Appling that logic to some other emotions like anger, regret, sadness, and fear and you realize that regardless of how wonderful a relationship is, there are going to be fleeting moments where one feels something that we don’t want to, but it is there none the less.
When you accept that the feeling can run over you, like warm rain and dry right off, it isn’t so bad and in fact gets you across the daisy field to be where you want in your relationship faster than trying to avoid the land mines. Are the mines destined to always be lurking under the surface lying in wait to change a romantic evening to one of healthy conversation about a maybe not so healthy topic? It’s very possible.
However, Darling Boys, Girls and Carole, that is not a necessarily a bad thing. It is just part and parcel of the path through the flowers of your choice. And as long as the field is somewhere that you enjoy spending your time, you trust that you are ultimately safe, (regardless of the pending mines)you might as well bring a picnic, a soft blanket and plan to stay awhile. At least for a lifetime.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, March 7, 2008
Getting Over It
Dear Miss Kitty,
There is a guy that I just started seeing, but it's more because he feels it for me. I'm trying hard to slow him down and give me time to get there, if I can. I really wanted him as a roommate but he expressed attraction and according to him, his heart flutters every time he sees me. I don't know what to do with him, not to mention I don’t think I am completely over my last boyfriend.
Thanks for listening!!!
Leslie
When it comes to slowing down unwanted flutters, a shopping expedition through Tiffany’s, with ring sizing option is a force to be reckoned with. If that doesn’t work looking at china patterns, especially $300 a place setting is a sure fire way to stagnate the stallion. If it turns out he is all over a heart shaped 3 caret diamond, with platinum setting and loves the Wedgwood gold and white with extra serving pieces, you have a marriage crazed man on your hands (very rare) or a guest host for Project Runway. Either way it doesn’t mean you have to go along for the ride, if you don’t want to.
At the tender age when pajamas patterned with rockets and bunnies are considered stylish, we are taught that it is rude to not be interested in someone else. If she wants to play on the teeter totter, even if you get sick, you should play too. The image of a lone swing set rider, going backwards and forwards, never ending into the dusky light is usually a story of a lonely little person with no one to play with. Why couldn’t the image be a happy kid that enjoys swinging sole and is having such a good time that dinner can wait?
Starting out into land of two is better than one, regardless of whom that two is, can be a harsh wake-up call when confronted and questioned later on in life. It takes years to overcome the voices in our heads that feed us the relationship propaganda that we all know so well. It takes years to undo the unseen restrictions that we have become used to. These self -imposed sanctions not only limit our choices in the here and now, but walk us, two by two right into relationships that we are better of without. No doubt the solo squirrel that snuck right past the census counters on Noah’s Arc had a very hard time on the journey and not because the buffet was nut free.
The truth is, when we are “listening” with all of our senses we usually “see” everything we need to when deciding just whom we would like to spend our time with. When we pay very close attention to our instinctual feelings we can get a better read on what is working or not working for us. When we choose to spend time with someone, even in the early days of ‘just coffee”, it is crucial to not look at what looks good on paper or on our arm, but what is factual truth about our own feelings. It can be difficult to turn away attention, since attention can feel so good, and when getting over a past someone, attention is a healing balm for what ails us.
But equally clamoring for some thought, deeply buried with its head in the sand, is our own choice and when smothered by someone else’s desires, coupled with our early relationship training, it becomes a labor of love to hear its muffled voice.
Dear Boys, Girls and Leslie, when you “don’t know what to do with someone”, it is a clue that until you do know, you might want to take a pass, and spend time with your amazing self enjoying a solo swing at sunset.
Have a naughty day!
There is a guy that I just started seeing, but it's more because he feels it for me. I'm trying hard to slow him down and give me time to get there, if I can. I really wanted him as a roommate but he expressed attraction and according to him, his heart flutters every time he sees me. I don't know what to do with him, not to mention I don’t think I am completely over my last boyfriend.
Thanks for listening!!!
Leslie
When it comes to slowing down unwanted flutters, a shopping expedition through Tiffany’s, with ring sizing option is a force to be reckoned with. If that doesn’t work looking at china patterns, especially $300 a place setting is a sure fire way to stagnate the stallion. If it turns out he is all over a heart shaped 3 caret diamond, with platinum setting and loves the Wedgwood gold and white with extra serving pieces, you have a marriage crazed man on your hands (very rare) or a guest host for Project Runway. Either way it doesn’t mean you have to go along for the ride, if you don’t want to.
At the tender age when pajamas patterned with rockets and bunnies are considered stylish, we are taught that it is rude to not be interested in someone else. If she wants to play on the teeter totter, even if you get sick, you should play too. The image of a lone swing set rider, going backwards and forwards, never ending into the dusky light is usually a story of a lonely little person with no one to play with. Why couldn’t the image be a happy kid that enjoys swinging sole and is having such a good time that dinner can wait?
Starting out into land of two is better than one, regardless of whom that two is, can be a harsh wake-up call when confronted and questioned later on in life. It takes years to overcome the voices in our heads that feed us the relationship propaganda that we all know so well. It takes years to undo the unseen restrictions that we have become used to. These self -imposed sanctions not only limit our choices in the here and now, but walk us, two by two right into relationships that we are better of without. No doubt the solo squirrel that snuck right past the census counters on Noah’s Arc had a very hard time on the journey and not because the buffet was nut free.
The truth is, when we are “listening” with all of our senses we usually “see” everything we need to when deciding just whom we would like to spend our time with. When we pay very close attention to our instinctual feelings we can get a better read on what is working or not working for us. When we choose to spend time with someone, even in the early days of ‘just coffee”, it is crucial to not look at what looks good on paper or on our arm, but what is factual truth about our own feelings. It can be difficult to turn away attention, since attention can feel so good, and when getting over a past someone, attention is a healing balm for what ails us.
But equally clamoring for some thought, deeply buried with its head in the sand, is our own choice and when smothered by someone else’s desires, coupled with our early relationship training, it becomes a labor of love to hear its muffled voice.
Dear Boys, Girls and Leslie, when you “don’t know what to do with someone”, it is a clue that until you do know, you might want to take a pass, and spend time with your amazing self enjoying a solo swing at sunset.
Have a naughty day!
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