Nothing Left to Lose

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I have a great relationship in no uncertain terms, but although we talk and work through so much, there is always something else and I am tired of it. Sometimes I wish there was someway to get to a place with no issues left to discuss. Is there another way?
Carole


Dear Carole,
Finding ourselves always constant with our good feelings within a relationship, is a bit like being surprised when traipsing across a daisy field on a summer day and being reduced to little fragments as we inadvertently step on a land mine. Marriages are clearly marked as a work in progress and regardless of how hard we work to make sure we are always forth right and clear with each other, there are still issues that sneak away from us and plant themselves into our future. Could the purpose of the present really be an opportunity to help us to clear up our todays as well as our tomorrows?

As in fashion, when pink is the new black and white is better than every before; problems tend to surface when we really are willing to deal with the here and now. That is a good thing for a relationship. A safe and soothing conversation can turn into a whirling pool of new information when both partners are willing to strip down and let everything out. Both a blessing and curse, a healthy relationship enables us to work on and through both things we want to say and things we aren’t so sure about letting our of the bag just yet.

Although the mines may surface and casualties may arise, there is no better system in place to deal with the fall out, than an open conversation with your beloved and no time restrictions. There are moments when arms get crossed, voices are raised and a whole bag of cookies seems like a better idea than continuing across the harsh landscape of emotional work. But even the cookies are not as good as getting to the real end of a conversation. The place where arms are around you, voices are raised with happiness and the cookies take a back seat, to well, the back seat.

In the children’s fairy tale, The Emperors New Clothes, no one except a little innocent is aware that the noble Emperor is strolling around in his birthday suit. In a relationship it only takes one “innocent” to break out of the pack of two, and declare just what aspect of the relationship is strutting around pretending to be something it is not.

As freeing as taking it all off can be, so is disrobing the way we wish a feeling would be and seeing it for what it is. Examine jealousy under a bright and glare free light for a moment. We are taught that jealousy is bad; it is one of the two emotions that has a color associated with it and that must mean something. (The only other emotion that rates a color is anger hued a dangerous red).

So, pretend for a moment and let the sickly feelings of jealousy (maybe its colored green for nauseous) wash over you. Even when pretending, tt doesn’t feel good does it? Jealousy is considered a low and base emotion, hardly fitting for evolved humans. But what if you accepted that a momentary flash of it was well within the bounds of normal and wasn’t such a big deal after all. Appling that logic to some other emotions like anger, regret, sadness, and fear and you realize that regardless of how wonderful a relationship is, there are going to be fleeting moments where one feels something that we don’t want to, but it is there none the less.

When you accept that the feeling can run over you, like warm rain and dry right off, it isn’t so bad and in fact gets you across the daisy field to be where you want in your relationship faster than trying to avoid the land mines. Are the mines destined to always be lurking under the surface lying in wait to change a romantic evening to one of healthy conversation about a maybe not so healthy topic? It’s very possible.

However, Darling Boys, Girls and Carole, that is not a necessarily a bad thing. It is just part and parcel of the path through the flowers of your choice. And as long as the field is somewhere that you enjoy spending your time, you trust that you are ultimately safe, (regardless of the pending mines)you might as well bring a picnic, a soft blanket and plan to stay awhile. At least for a lifetime.

Have a naughty day!