Thinking Your Way Through Trust

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I had a serious trust issue come up a few months ago. Even though the issue was resolved by talking, and happiness reigns, I have wanted to bring it up again. It is no longer an issue of trust, it is an issue of something I CAN”T TALK ABOUT and I feel I shouldn’t bring up. That in itself is what feels bad. We have no secrets, and nothing we can’t talk about, except this. I don’t talk about it because he seems to believe that when you put thoughts toward something it feeds them and I don’t want to step on his way of doing things. I love him so much, but I am having a hard time doing this on my own, and I don’t want to discuss the issue with friends. Are there ways I could resolve a couple’s issue on my own?
Olivia

Dear Olivia,
The heart shaped balloons of yesterday have deflated, and the leftover pink champagne is still and flat in it’s now warm bottle; but the questions that are the links in our relationship lives, the path to making them better and better, glisten in the darkness, always alert, and hoping for clarity. Olivia, your question is a very shiny link.

How does one resolve issues when each partner has a different perception on what brings perfect closure? Is it getting to a place where a subject no longer has any sting? Is it when the conflict is tempered by time? Is complete closure even possible without an arena, comfortable to both partners, in which to do whatever is necessary for both people to feel really good? Maybe the answer to the question lies in personal work instead of couples’ work? But then again, when we commit to sharing all, and having no barriers between us, does the work we do as a single entity become a kind of wall?

There are as many ways, good ways of dealing with conflicts, issues and disagreements, as there are good couples. Even though it is easier to process these things in compatible ways, there are going to be times when each person needs to handle it in their own way and that is acceptable, although difficult. It might be for a short duration, when it is better to leave something alone for a while. It might be for longer than is really comfortable, but the benefit in doing so is worth it. It might even be for personal betterment, regardless of the emotional cost.

When we are living in true love, which means respecting our similarities as well as our differences, we are challenged to come up with new ways to process all the small and big- ticket hurdles in our way, and all the while to do it while protecting and respecting our partner’s choices. This is a balancing act that reduces most recent political front page news to the comic section of the paper.

The first part of the process, when searching for answers in the solo department, comes from ripping apart the possible remaining baggage of the past. Even when you think that there is not a shred of anything left, you still might find old and faded remnants of discomfort in the suitcase pocket with the broken zipper. (No wonder you never looked there, it was very hard to get at). The trust- luggage set comes with five easy pieces of various sizes and if you bought it when you were really young (lucky you), there was an extra bonus piece or two. Trust issues disturb even the lint that lies in the bottom of the cases.

When we are willing, because of the present, to look into our past, we often find the direction we are looking for. Therefore, the clues to what might be keeping you up at night, are right where you want them; in the current forefront where you now have motivation and very easy access to dispel them once and for all.

If you have come to a place where what is currently bothering you has nothing to do with your life before your current partner, you have done your work very well. Olivia, it is wonderful that you honor so completely your husband’s way of thinking, but do you think it is possible that he is brave enough to hear that you don’t think anything should be between you? Is it possible that he has moved on to a different way of thinking, and you don’t even know it, because you haven’t checked in with each other?

Darling Boys, Girls and Olivia, if you checked, rechecked and something is still bothering you, remember that nothing is static in this world, and certainly not a couple’s love or the way they choose to interact. Love can only become deeper, and the deepest level will always be a long way out, a challenge to reach, but worth the wait.

Have a naughty day!