Voodoo Love

Dear Miss Kitty,
As sad as it may be, I will admit to you that I have never had a relationship of any significance in which I was not lied to and it has happen again. The worse part is although I understand why she lied and I still love her, I am really angry and disillusioned. She lied because she was embarrassed at what she had done and apparently didn’t trust me enough to handle it. So, local guru of true love, to quote Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?”
Don S


Dear Don,
Significant relationships are the ultimate school of life. It seems that every way you turn there is another lesson, whether you want it or not. Part of the frustration of being lied to is that it brings up question after question and like white rabbits, popping forth from a magician’s hat, the real- life-fall-out from a lie, seems never-ending.

The dictionary has twenty three definitions of lying, but without any creamy frosting it comes down to this; a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive, which is an intentional un-truth, a falsehood. A lie is something intended or serving to convey a false impression. As we learn at the knees of the big people, lies beget not only more lies but suffering and the only way to stop the pain, is to stop the lies, which like skipping really good cheesecake, is easier said then done.

Sometimes the lie isn’t the biggest part of the problem; it is the let down that someone wouldn’t trust us enough to be straight with us. It brings into question just what is a relationship made of if we don’t have a platform of real trust? Is that level of trust even possible? That shaky ground is where sadness hangs its big black hat.

In your case, her belief in your ability to handle what ever she needed to tell you, didn’t out weigh the disappointment she felt in herself for her actions. So you got the triple scoop; a lie, lack of complete trust in your relationship and what ever it was she did in the first place. That is one messy cone which needs a lot of napkins to clean up the mess, otherwise it is bound to drip all over the both of you, and stain more than just your shirts.

Under the mantle of a good relationship, it can be even harder to come to terms with deception. Like finding a worm in your banana cream pie, reality has been crushed. Now you have the issue that begot the lie, the lie itself, and the uncertainty of what the future may hold. Even if you can learn to understand and forgive the mis-guided logic, being lied to for any reason, bites with sharp and jagged teeth upon the heart, and without a potent remedy, scars deeply, badly and can be permanent.

Should we just assume that we will be lied to and that is just the way it is? Is there anyway to know the truth since we can’t get into anyone else’s head? If a relationship is only as good as its trust factor, does that mean a relationship where deceptions of any kind are present, is as good as it gets?

Don, if you can remember the love that you have for this person and have compassion for their situation, you are ahead of the game. However, being that most of us are not fat little Buddha’s of benevolence, you will also need an outlet for any anger and pain that you feel. It can be hard to go to the person that started the curse upon your supposed perfect love, because they will no doubt, with big puppy eyes, put themselves in the leaky dog house, but that is just what you need to do. If you were hurt that they couldn’t come to you with the truth, believe me, they will suffer if you can’t go to them to decant your own discomfort. In fact, you both will.

Darling Boys and Girls, MK is not talking about punishment or being cruel, this is not about rubbing anyone’s face into anything. This is about trusting that as much as you need to let the anger and sadness out, the dishonest one needs, more than anything else to hear just how their actions affected your relationship. This is the ultimate witch-doctor potion for the voodoo curse that has taken hold of the both of you, so be brave and drink up for the both of you.

Have a naughty day!