Dear Miss Kitty,
Someone I am dating is going to an event. She didn’t invite me to come along, but I thought I might go anyway and surprise her. Is it alright to attend an event if you were not invited?
Kevin, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Kevin,
1%, 2% and even non-fat are all considered “milk”, just in case the word “stalking” escapes you.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband I have divorced after 20 years of marriage and the kids are out of the nest. Between the two, I find that I cannot get a good feel for time. Not only is there no dinner time, there are no semesters and family vacations. Now that's all gone I find it hard to know where my time is going. Without family activated I feel confused. Is this an aging thing or am I the only one with a time problem?
L.S, MONTECITO
Dear L,
To help us find our place in the world we set imaginary stones in illusory cement in order to find our way. We call it a routine and rituals. When these time markers or rituals are no longer applicable it is often difficult to know where time has gone or how to use it. Without benchmarks, both big and small we can suddenly feel that the world is just too big for us. Like Hansel and Gretel, without any bread crumbs, we feel lost.
During the initial shock of losing a loved one or a relationship, part of the pain is realizing that the markers we have always known and counted on are gone for good. Each week blurs into the next until we realize that the clocks need to go back, or is it forward? Does this mean that we have lost our inner sense of time? Was time as we know it, ever a friend? If time can change, not just actually but conceptually, how can we ever understand it?
Think about what time means to a living organism, and one can see that although time appears to be a human invention, time’s roots clearly belong to Mother Nature. All of our bodily functions are organized by time: Some in hours, some in months, and some in years. The DNA secretary has it all securely filed away and password protected.
Unfortunately the DNA secretary doesn’t work for emotionally driven time frames. The files are just too big and too confusing for anyone to master. Do you remember your first love when time seemed to stand still? Talking for hours and feeling like it was minute? It felt like you had known each other for an eternity and yet it was only weeks. The heady intoxication of love felt like it would last forever and forever. Then bamm! The years flash by just like the Road Runner with Wiley E. Coyote hot on his tail. Where was time standing then? On hot coals of molten lava?
Emotional time frames are not of the same substance as clocked minutes and seconds. Call me Mr. Wizard, but they are somehow loosely connected in a universal time-space. You don't have to channel Einstein to imagine this. When someone asks where your emotional heart is; that is where it exists, in some time and some space. That’s why we feel so lost when we lose the important breadcrumbs.
Darling L, Boys and Girls, take time as it comes in whatever shape it has. Trying to understand how it relates to your own life is an impossible task. Time is an every changing aspect dependent on what we are doing. However, if life’s rituals are grounding and a safety net of sorts, new markers can be made. Remember that breakfast for dinner makes kids really happy, and it isn’t because of the pancakes.
Have a naughty day!
Profile
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Rats in the laboratory of love
Dear Miss Kitty,
I hate my BF!!!! What should I do? What should I do next?
K. SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Take this paper, find a mirror and read what you asked me 13 times to your reflection. If the mirror doesn’t answer you back, dump him.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have dated many women via on- line dating services. I notice that most write that they need “chemistry” for a relationship to go anywhere. Please explain why this “chemistry” matters so early in the game. For me what happens between the ears is what counts before what happens between the sheets. Being a thinking man, I prefer to think of dating as more like calculus than chemistry.
T.D. Solvang
Dear T.D,
Amidst all the dot-com dating sites, the savvy rub shoulders alongside the newly initiated. The courageous bait the hook, bring in the catch and grapple with the e-harvest. Even with pounds of potential, “chemistry” cannot be truly assessed at this early point. There are so many ways to measure it: Does chemistry ever show up as a dreamy e-mail? Is chemistry the bar when it comes to hopping into another date? Is chemistry an all or nothing proposition? Can it be determined by thinking: “If this man/women kissed me goodnight would I like it or have to run to the bathroom and rinse my mouth out?” Yes, chemistry in the laboratory of e-dating matters, and it is every bit as complex as that high school class with the beakers.
On -line dating is only one way to meet people and truth be told, it doesn’t take much effort. One posts a hopefully well-written profile and picture that is recent and decent. Sometimes one needs to Hemingway said profile or Photoshop said picture if the response is not up to snuff. However, there is no way to gauge the elusive chemistry until face-to-face contact occurs. A profile is only a crafted marketing piece designed as a net - to catch anything that might work. Like the commercial fishing industry, if it isn’t big enough, one can always throw it back.
When we meet a person, in the first few seconds (some claim 6 is the magic number) you can usually feel that sparkly magic. Sometimes, it’s just nervous gas. It does not mean (note to guys here) that your date wants to jump into bed with you. Just that she'd be OK with a kiss. Far more has to happen before most women and some men will feel the level of intimacy that would allow for anything more. This is when when your calculus skills come in handy.
Just in case my readers did not think calculus was worth thinking about (or that anyone who writes fluff would know it) remember that it involves how things change and often it is the rate of change that is critical in a relationship. Too slow and one can miss the fishing boat. Too fast and the fish get scared off. The timing for everyone involved has to feel right before the real magic of love or passion can step in and integrate two differential people into one relationship.
Dating on-line is not easier than when couples met on a dance floor at the high school gym. It is just faster now, and in many ways that makes it harder. We can be so caught up the drama and excitement of it all we forget that the social “niceties” are really a way to take the time to take it all in. Chemistry isn’t always there right away, and sometimes chemistry is standing right behind scared. It sometimes takes a slow reaction for chemistry to feel comfortable enough to come out and play.
Mr. D you've got most of the idea right and you sound like a fine fellow in my book. Take your time and think of dating more like taking a walk through a beautiful garden. Some of the flowers look fantastic but don't have a perfume, others smell great but are not gorgeous to look at and some are just perfect from the get go.
Darling Mr. D, Boys and Girls, there is no simple way to meet the love of your life or equation to make dating fool-proof. One can look for what seems like forever, trying many different mixtures of ingredients and find no one - or unexpectedly and mysteriously the right combination of elements are mixed and someone appears as though presented to you by destiny. Just remember that we are all rats in the laboratory of love, and the process of getting to the final formula should be fun and experienced to the fullest.
Have a Naughty Day!
I hate my BF!!!! What should I do? What should I do next?
K. SANTA BARBARA
Dear K,
Take this paper, find a mirror and read what you asked me 13 times to your reflection. If the mirror doesn’t answer you back, dump him.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have dated many women via on- line dating services. I notice that most write that they need “chemistry” for a relationship to go anywhere. Please explain why this “chemistry” matters so early in the game. For me what happens between the ears is what counts before what happens between the sheets. Being a thinking man, I prefer to think of dating as more like calculus than chemistry.
T.D. Solvang
Dear T.D,
Amidst all the dot-com dating sites, the savvy rub shoulders alongside the newly initiated. The courageous bait the hook, bring in the catch and grapple with the e-harvest. Even with pounds of potential, “chemistry” cannot be truly assessed at this early point. There are so many ways to measure it: Does chemistry ever show up as a dreamy e-mail? Is chemistry the bar when it comes to hopping into another date? Is chemistry an all or nothing proposition? Can it be determined by thinking: “If this man/women kissed me goodnight would I like it or have to run to the bathroom and rinse my mouth out?” Yes, chemistry in the laboratory of e-dating matters, and it is every bit as complex as that high school class with the beakers.
On -line dating is only one way to meet people and truth be told, it doesn’t take much effort. One posts a hopefully well-written profile and picture that is recent and decent. Sometimes one needs to Hemingway said profile or Photoshop said picture if the response is not up to snuff. However, there is no way to gauge the elusive chemistry until face-to-face contact occurs. A profile is only a crafted marketing piece designed as a net - to catch anything that might work. Like the commercial fishing industry, if it isn’t big enough, one can always throw it back.
When we meet a person, in the first few seconds (some claim 6 is the magic number) you can usually feel that sparkly magic. Sometimes, it’s just nervous gas. It does not mean (note to guys here) that your date wants to jump into bed with you. Just that she'd be OK with a kiss. Far more has to happen before most women and some men will feel the level of intimacy that would allow for anything more. This is when when your calculus skills come in handy.
Just in case my readers did not think calculus was worth thinking about (or that anyone who writes fluff would know it) remember that it involves how things change and often it is the rate of change that is critical in a relationship. Too slow and one can miss the fishing boat. Too fast and the fish get scared off. The timing for everyone involved has to feel right before the real magic of love or passion can step in and integrate two differential people into one relationship.
Dating on-line is not easier than when couples met on a dance floor at the high school gym. It is just faster now, and in many ways that makes it harder. We can be so caught up the drama and excitement of it all we forget that the social “niceties” are really a way to take the time to take it all in. Chemistry isn’t always there right away, and sometimes chemistry is standing right behind scared. It sometimes takes a slow reaction for chemistry to feel comfortable enough to come out and play.
Mr. D you've got most of the idea right and you sound like a fine fellow in my book. Take your time and think of dating more like taking a walk through a beautiful garden. Some of the flowers look fantastic but don't have a perfume, others smell great but are not gorgeous to look at and some are just perfect from the get go.
Darling Mr. D, Boys and Girls, there is no simple way to meet the love of your life or equation to make dating fool-proof. One can look for what seems like forever, trying many different mixtures of ingredients and find no one - or unexpectedly and mysteriously the right combination of elements are mixed and someone appears as though presented to you by destiny. Just remember that we are all rats in the laboratory of love, and the process of getting to the final formula should be fun and experienced to the fullest.
Have a Naughty Day!
Friday, March 12, 2010
It takes two to tango
Dear Miss Kitty,
My future mother in law is driving me crazy over the details of my wedding. I am not marrying her so why won’t she leave it alone?
Sandy, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Sandy,
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver, cheap and readily available.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I went on a great date last week. We had a wonderful dinner and ended up talking until 3am! We laughed, listened to each other and honestly, it felt like we had known each other for years. I felt like I was falling in love on the first date. Now she isn’t returning my calls or emails. I really don’t get it and it isn’t the first time. I go on these extraordinary dates and then the woman drops me. Why don’t they want to see me again after such a great time?
David S, SANTA BARBARA
Dear David,
Be it Tinker Toys or Skipper dolls, once upon a time, something had the ability to enthrall us for hours. Long before considering breakfast we would think nothing of building an imposing fort or changing Skipper’s outfit at least twelve times. In fact, stopping to consume a bowl of Cheerios was nothing but a big fat nuisance. No one thinks much about a kid that walks, talks and is living the Sea Monkey dream, but as we grow to some level of maturity we should be able to moderate the intensity that we feel for the Sea Monkeys and the time we want to spend with them. More is not always a good thing.
Although there are plenty of interesting women out there, when someone can go on so many AMAZING dates, they really should shut up shop and head to the tables in Vegas. Because truth be told, the dating odds just aren’t that good. So with a more normal win / loss ratio in mind, couldn’t it be possible that these “extraordinary” dates have more to do with chasing a feeling than chasing a woman? If “they” are not interested in a second date - let alone a phone call - perhaps the pleasure was rather one-sided?
Each time a ritual is repeated the brain makes more and more solid connections between the activity and the pleasure centers. Pleasure centers being part of the brain, not a massage parlor in Ventura! Trust me on this, your brain is not always rationally thinking of your best interests. Once a pattern is set, doing anything other than this now-ingrained pattern of behavior feels wrong, maybe even painful. So when a string of unbelievably fantastic dates turn into enough rope to hang the entire James Gang, perhaps it isn’t “them” - it could be your addiction to love. Be it antique stamps, booze or Skipper dolls; anything that someone needs for the temporary obliteration of reality in exchange for pure pleasure is an addiction.
If we stick with one thing and repeat, repeat and repeat, then the memory of the pleasure associated with the activity is intensified until it becomes an obsession. Caught up in the imagined pleasure of the date, it is impossible to pay attention to the reality of the evening. Being that people tend to be on their best behavior during a first date, it isn’t a surprise that “they” don’t show more than a hint of indifference if not outright surprise that an almost perfect stranger is “falling’ for them. Blinded by Illusory bliss, how could a love addict see that the intense emotions surging around are only swelling within one needy heart?
Although it seems that there is no way around this conundrum the brain can, with some guidance, allow for release from the hold that love addiction has. It is hard to beat the high from the intense feelings generated from the exiting newness and the possibilities of a new person. However, if this high is felt more than a few times in a lifetime (if that) it isn’t really love.
Darling David, Boys and Girls, knowing that perfection has been found on a first date is impossible. Thinking an exquisite relationship could be is in the realms of reality; however is. It really does take two to tango. The way to happiness and contentment is to love the self first and stop looking for love in every face you see. Once you find inner peace, even if it tends to come and go a bit, then you can share your amazing self with another. ‘The One” in a million is you – and once you realize that you are free to find another “The One”.
Have a naughty day!
My future mother in law is driving me crazy over the details of my wedding. I am not marrying her so why won’t she leave it alone?
Sandy, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Sandy,
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver, cheap and readily available.
Dear Miss Kitty,
I went on a great date last week. We had a wonderful dinner and ended up talking until 3am! We laughed, listened to each other and honestly, it felt like we had known each other for years. I felt like I was falling in love on the first date. Now she isn’t returning my calls or emails. I really don’t get it and it isn’t the first time. I go on these extraordinary dates and then the woman drops me. Why don’t they want to see me again after such a great time?
David S, SANTA BARBARA
Dear David,
Be it Tinker Toys or Skipper dolls, once upon a time, something had the ability to enthrall us for hours. Long before considering breakfast we would think nothing of building an imposing fort or changing Skipper’s outfit at least twelve times. In fact, stopping to consume a bowl of Cheerios was nothing but a big fat nuisance. No one thinks much about a kid that walks, talks and is living the Sea Monkey dream, but as we grow to some level of maturity we should be able to moderate the intensity that we feel for the Sea Monkeys and the time we want to spend with them. More is not always a good thing.
Although there are plenty of interesting women out there, when someone can go on so many AMAZING dates, they really should shut up shop and head to the tables in Vegas. Because truth be told, the dating odds just aren’t that good. So with a more normal win / loss ratio in mind, couldn’t it be possible that these “extraordinary” dates have more to do with chasing a feeling than chasing a woman? If “they” are not interested in a second date - let alone a phone call - perhaps the pleasure was rather one-sided?
Each time a ritual is repeated the brain makes more and more solid connections between the activity and the pleasure centers. Pleasure centers being part of the brain, not a massage parlor in Ventura! Trust me on this, your brain is not always rationally thinking of your best interests. Once a pattern is set, doing anything other than this now-ingrained pattern of behavior feels wrong, maybe even painful. So when a string of unbelievably fantastic dates turn into enough rope to hang the entire James Gang, perhaps it isn’t “them” - it could be your addiction to love. Be it antique stamps, booze or Skipper dolls; anything that someone needs for the temporary obliteration of reality in exchange for pure pleasure is an addiction.
If we stick with one thing and repeat, repeat and repeat, then the memory of the pleasure associated with the activity is intensified until it becomes an obsession. Caught up in the imagined pleasure of the date, it is impossible to pay attention to the reality of the evening. Being that people tend to be on their best behavior during a first date, it isn’t a surprise that “they” don’t show more than a hint of indifference if not outright surprise that an almost perfect stranger is “falling’ for them. Blinded by Illusory bliss, how could a love addict see that the intense emotions surging around are only swelling within one needy heart?
Although it seems that there is no way around this conundrum the brain can, with some guidance, allow for release from the hold that love addiction has. It is hard to beat the high from the intense feelings generated from the exiting newness and the possibilities of a new person. However, if this high is felt more than a few times in a lifetime (if that) it isn’t really love.
Darling David, Boys and Girls, knowing that perfection has been found on a first date is impossible. Thinking an exquisite relationship could be is in the realms of reality; however is. It really does take two to tango. The way to happiness and contentment is to love the self first and stop looking for love in every face you see. Once you find inner peace, even if it tends to come and go a bit, then you can share your amazing self with another. ‘The One” in a million is you – and once you realize that you are free to find another “The One”.
Have a naughty day!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Baring loss
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating someone for 2 months. Three days ago I left my laptop at his house and when I stopped by later that night to pick it up, he came to the door naked, stunk of wine and wouldn’t let me in. I heard a women’s voice coming from his room. The next day he said it meant nothing and wants me to forgive him. Should I? I thought I loved him… Maybe he was just drunk?
Christina, SANTA BARBARA.
Darling Christina,
In the immortal notes of Beethoven’s 5th, Da, Da Da, Dum.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend has left me for another girl. He and I were so close. Best friends as well as lovers. I am really angry and cannot stop thinking about the other girl and how I hate her for stealing my boyfriend. How can I get him back?
Diana, MONTECITO
Dear Diana,
Most of us can remember even the little losses of childhood as if it was yesterday. (Let me know if you see a red kool-aid dispenser at a swap meet.) Without a doubt loss is one of the hardest emotions to bare, but it tells us what it means to be human. Loss can be so painful it becomes easier to transfer the feeling into something simpler to experience, like anger. When there is a third party in the mix, it is all too easy to make them the “Boogie Man”, or in this case, the “Boogie Girl”. Although Boogie Girl sounds more like a roller derby star or disco tune from the 70’s, what she becomes is the dumping ground for all the realities that don’t want to be faced, in the face of loss.
Boogey Girl belongs to the present - which means she can never be part of the love and fun that you and your ex shared. What she will get is a new experience, just for her. She can’t have the relationship that you had and she isn’t taking anything from you since what you thought you had, you obviously didn’t. Your ex is not a precious painting in a Museum: vulnerable and attached to a wall, security at the ready and then stolen in the dead of night. He chose to not be with you. His leaving you really had little to do with you or Boogey Girl. It had everything to do with him.
In any relationship, part of the mind becomes attached to not only that relationship, but to the partner as well. It is no wonder that right now you want him back. It is like giving a puppy a treat whenever it comes to you. The puppy soon thinks that coming to you means a treat. Stop giving the treat too soon and the puppy becomes confused and will eat your socks. Hating the other girl is like giving treats to the puppy and keeps the cycle going. You can’t get over it, but you can get through it - and to do so means to change your hatred into positive thoughts about your life.
Although you have intense feelings about this now your mind has the fantastic ability to let these feelings float away, if you let it. You really do not have to do anything except to stop feeding the puppy treats. This may cause some confusion and painful reality but it will be only a temporary result. If you can’t stop thinking about this breakup, try focusing on the good times you had and realize that in growing from this adversity, you will manifest many other times in your life that will be just as good – experienced by yourself and with someone else who is even better.
So Darling Diana, Boys, Girls, and those who think I pontificate; although the desire to have back someone you’ve lost can be intense, what you want back is something that now has only the capacity to be a memory. Stings a bit doesn’t it? Loves lost and lovers lost too soon may only be memories, but memories are ours to keep and to grow from in the present. And no one can take a memory away until we decide to lose it ourselves.
Have a naughty day!
I have been dating someone for 2 months. Three days ago I left my laptop at his house and when I stopped by later that night to pick it up, he came to the door naked, stunk of wine and wouldn’t let me in. I heard a women’s voice coming from his room. The next day he said it meant nothing and wants me to forgive him. Should I? I thought I loved him… Maybe he was just drunk?
Christina, SANTA BARBARA.
Darling Christina,
In the immortal notes of Beethoven’s 5th, Da, Da Da, Dum.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend has left me for another girl. He and I were so close. Best friends as well as lovers. I am really angry and cannot stop thinking about the other girl and how I hate her for stealing my boyfriend. How can I get him back?
Diana, MONTECITO
Dear Diana,
Most of us can remember even the little losses of childhood as if it was yesterday. (Let me know if you see a red kool-aid dispenser at a swap meet.) Without a doubt loss is one of the hardest emotions to bare, but it tells us what it means to be human. Loss can be so painful it becomes easier to transfer the feeling into something simpler to experience, like anger. When there is a third party in the mix, it is all too easy to make them the “Boogie Man”, or in this case, the “Boogie Girl”. Although Boogie Girl sounds more like a roller derby star or disco tune from the 70’s, what she becomes is the dumping ground for all the realities that don’t want to be faced, in the face of loss.
Boogey Girl belongs to the present - which means she can never be part of the love and fun that you and your ex shared. What she will get is a new experience, just for her. She can’t have the relationship that you had and she isn’t taking anything from you since what you thought you had, you obviously didn’t. Your ex is not a precious painting in a Museum: vulnerable and attached to a wall, security at the ready and then stolen in the dead of night. He chose to not be with you. His leaving you really had little to do with you or Boogey Girl. It had everything to do with him.
In any relationship, part of the mind becomes attached to not only that relationship, but to the partner as well. It is no wonder that right now you want him back. It is like giving a puppy a treat whenever it comes to you. The puppy soon thinks that coming to you means a treat. Stop giving the treat too soon and the puppy becomes confused and will eat your socks. Hating the other girl is like giving treats to the puppy and keeps the cycle going. You can’t get over it, but you can get through it - and to do so means to change your hatred into positive thoughts about your life.
Although you have intense feelings about this now your mind has the fantastic ability to let these feelings float away, if you let it. You really do not have to do anything except to stop feeding the puppy treats. This may cause some confusion and painful reality but it will be only a temporary result. If you can’t stop thinking about this breakup, try focusing on the good times you had and realize that in growing from this adversity, you will manifest many other times in your life that will be just as good – experienced by yourself and with someone else who is even better.
So Darling Diana, Boys, Girls, and those who think I pontificate; although the desire to have back someone you’ve lost can be intense, what you want back is something that now has only the capacity to be a memory. Stings a bit doesn’t it? Loves lost and lovers lost too soon may only be memories, but memories are ours to keep and to grow from in the present. And no one can take a memory away until we decide to lose it ourselves.
Have a naughty day!
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