Baring loss

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating someone for 2 months. Three days ago I left my laptop at his house and when I stopped by later that night to pick it up, he came to the door naked, stunk of wine and wouldn’t let me in. I heard a women’s voice coming from his room. The next day he said it meant nothing and wants me to forgive him. Should I? I thought I loved him… Maybe he was just drunk?
Christina, SANTA BARBARA.

Darling Christina,
In the immortal notes of Beethoven’s 5th, Da, Da Da, Dum.


Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend has left me for another girl. He and I were so close. Best friends as well as lovers. I am really angry and cannot stop thinking about the other girl and how I hate her for stealing my boyfriend. How can I get him back?
Diana, MONTECITO

Dear Diana,
Most of us can remember even the little losses of childhood as if it was yesterday. (Let me know if you see a red kool-aid dispenser at a swap meet.) Without a doubt loss is one of the hardest emotions to bare, but it tells us what it means to be human. Loss can be so painful it becomes easier to transfer the feeling into something simpler to experience, like anger. When there is a third party in the mix, it is all too easy to make them the “Boogie Man”, or in this case, the “Boogie Girl”. Although Boogie Girl sounds more like a roller derby star or disco tune from the 70’s, what she becomes is the dumping ground for all the realities that don’t want to be faced, in the face of loss.

Boogey Girl belongs to the present - which means she can never be part of the love and fun that you and your ex shared. What she will get is a new experience, just for her. She can’t have the relationship that you had and she isn’t taking anything from you since what you thought you had, you obviously didn’t. Your ex is not a precious painting in a Museum: vulnerable and attached to a wall, security at the ready and then stolen in the dead of night. He chose to not be with you. His leaving you really had little to do with you or Boogey Girl. It had everything to do with him.

In any relationship, part of the mind becomes attached to not only that relationship, but to the partner as well. It is no wonder that right now you want him back. It is like giving a puppy a treat whenever it comes to you. The puppy soon thinks that coming to you means a treat. Stop giving the treat too soon and the puppy becomes confused and will eat your socks. Hating the other girl is like giving treats to the puppy and keeps the cycle going. You can’t get over it, but you can get through it - and to do so means to change your hatred into positive thoughts about your life.

Although you have intense feelings about this now your mind has the fantastic ability to let these feelings float away, if you let it. You really do not have to do anything except to stop feeding the puppy treats. This may cause some confusion and painful reality but it will be only a temporary result. If you can’t stop thinking about this breakup, try focusing on the good times you had and realize that in growing from this adversity, you will manifest many other times in your life that will be just as good – experienced by yourself and with someone else who is even better.

So Darling Diana, Boys, Girls, and those who think I pontificate; although the desire to have back someone you’ve lost can be intense, what you want back is something that now has only the capacity to be a memory. Stings a bit doesn’t it? Loves lost and lovers lost too soon may only be memories, but memories are ours to keep and to grow from in the present. And no one can take a memory away until we decide to lose it ourselves.
Have a naughty day!