Dear Miss Kitty

New Blog!

2010-11-17T15:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty can now be found on the Purrmission website along with up to date information on new arrivals and happenings in the store. See you there!

http://www.purrmissionlingerie.com/blog/

Haunted woman

2010-10-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

Darling Boys and Girls,

Halloween is almost upon us, when we shun the everyday and willing venture into the unknown. Trepidation and fear put aside for the excitement of what could be. With your unflinching spirit in tack, do you have the courage for a true tale of horror? If not, go and read the classifieds, if so, read on.

The wind was howling and the lights flickered as the power threatened to go out. Eventually it did, but she lit a dusty old candle which sparked brightly and then settled down. She looked around to get her bearings in the haunting silence. Chilled to the very bones that she called home she laid out her life and called to the spirits that on this one very special night might just answer her pleas. She called to the night that she would do anything if someone would answer her, maybe even save her. A dark presence entered the room, now bathed in shadow and a disembodied voice that was far from human, began to speak.

“Everyone has haunted rooms in the mansion they call their mind. Everyone has ghosts from the past and ghosts yet to be born. The dark spirits that haunt our present appear as fathomless opportunists of lost moments gone horribly wrong. When the repressed screams of nightmares and gut-wrenching visions sustained throughout the day can no longer be contained, the evil that is good gone wrong can finally be vanquished. Peace is possible.”

The fragile flame was no match for the eerie wind that without warning blew through the room and plunged the already dimly lit space into utter blackness. The spirit had gone. It had said all that was needed. As she sat in gloomy quiet the absolute certainty of the chilling words slowly sank down into the once brilliant dwelling of her consciousness, before it had become dank with secrets and littered with regrets. The truth, that the sector of pain and torment that resided in her thoughts, that had laid claim to her very soul, would be there forever, unless she would set them free. There was nothing to do but faced the concealed demons and bring down without remorse, the nebulous hellions that accumulate without notice.

The mystic night had presented a rare gift from the unseen and all knowing world that lives in parallel with ours. Priceless knowledge is rarely given and the spirit that gave the gift expected it to be used well. In fact the agreed upon price was very fair, knowledge in exchange for action. For the spirit she had summoned could move to the next realm of truth, if one human would change their personal destiny when given the key to true happiness -the ultimate release from self torment in its myriad forms.

As she sat, in sober reflection, but without complete belief, a single blood red thread of fear and doubt snaked its way around her throat. Her hands rose up to release the little thread which was slowly choking off her ability to call out for help. She struggled for her last breath, but the thread tightened its grip and the dim light faded to nothingness. She died as she had lived, in silent fear and great remorse.

Have a naughty Halloween.

Let sleeping dogs lie

2010-10-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband-to-be wants to meet my father. I haven’t seen my father for over 15 years and have no relationship with him. For the record, I am more than fine with that. I have tried to explain that it has nothing to do with hiding anything (the BF thinks this) and everything to do with this is a part of my past that I intend to keep as my past. I don’t understand why this is so hard for him to get. How do I explain it so he can understand and not feel bad about it?
KP, SANTA BARBARA

Dear K,
Along with certain salaries, the contents of wills and Alvin (the Chipmunk’s) middle name, some things are confidential for good reason. However, it is generally expected that within a relationship of consequence, there is an interest in wanting to share our past. When we first meet we want to tell “our” story. It is something we own that can explain why we do the things we do. A shortcut to our idiosyncrasies, our beliefs - and why we swallow gum instead of chew it like a normal person. The story of us is not shared with all and sundry; and often it takes a serious relationship where we feel safe enough to want to divulge what has made us the person we are.
However, if something is in the past and no longer a part of how we see ourselves, does it need to be revealed like Jimmy Hoffa’s last resting place? Are we not entitled when we have laid our ghosts to rest to let them rest in peace? If we are content with what was, does anyone else really need a say?
Where there is mystery or at least something we don’t understand from our point of reality, we tend to imagine all sorts of things. We fill in the cracks that don’t make sense with “something”. This something is our way of reconciling a situation so we can make sense of it. Unfortunately, this highly unrecognized but often used“technique” causes more harm, and never any good. You can’t fill in the blanks of what you do not know. It is like filling in a crossword puzzle with anything just to have all the spaces filled and get it done. The end result is nonsense and a waste of a damn good puzzle.
I would suggest that by unveiling the mystery (that isn’t) your BF will feel more comfortable with the idea that you are a person that does not have the need to have the person that donated half of your genes, if nothing else, in your life. I would also encourage your BF to let you know what he has “imagined” so both of you can put his fantasy in perspective. There is no need for a detailed accounting or saying more than is comfortable for you, but rare is the individual that can just accept what is, without question.

Darling K, Boys and Girls, we are all entitled to the choices we make in our own best interests. After all, who could ever know us better than we know ourselves? We also have certain requirements in the interest of being a good human to make those that are close to us feel safe. Explanations don’t necessarily put one on the defensive - after all, what we are sharing is information and facts as we see them. Disclosure isn’t always about being understood, it is often so the loved one can fill in the blanks with something real, and so you can both move on.

A Possible Happy Birthday

2010-10-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,

My husband's 50th birthday is coming up and I want it to be special for him. When I asked him what would make the day meaningful he didn’t give me much to go on. He said whatever I plan will be great. I know this isn’t true since 3 years ago I took him to Las Vegas and he said it was too crowded and didn’t like the smoke. I know birthdays are important to him and I want to get it right. Not over or under do. It seems in these situations it is impossible to know what the right thing is. Do you have any ideas?

Cynthia, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Cynthia,

A basic stand-by is to put a large bow on your naked self while offering a homemade apple pie and singing Marilyn Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday to You. This can be done privately at home or in public if the restaurant is given enough notice, a 30% gratuity, and doesn’t have a kids menu. Other than this fairly safe and often highly appreciated suggestion, you are on your own. I don’t know the birthday boy in question and there is no such thing as the “perfect gift”. What I can tell you is it is certain that birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even the ill-revered Valentine’s Day, will bring forth a bit of confusion for most of us gift-givers.

When you think about it, isn’t it surprising that the person we spend so much of our existence with can give us the most trouble when it comes to giving them a happy birthday? Is not knowing what to do a sign that we don’t really know them? Are we lacking something if we don’t know? I don’t think so, but I do wonder is why is it so difficult for the intended receiver to throw us a bone when asked?

Granted some people are much easier to gift than others. Plenty of people are happy that someone remembered a birthday or an anniversary, let alone needing a token of acknowledgement. Others are downright insistent that their day is deserving of nothing less than a hiring a skywriter. Casting no judgment here, what is important is that when asked, the birthday boy or girl has an opinion. After all, it is their day.

So maybe the real question is why don’t we feel comfortable about letting someone know what we really want? Kids are great at this. Without hesitation or secret clues they will clearly tell you what and where and how. When we grow up why are we afraid to voice our wants? Why does someone wanting to do something nice for us cause us anxiety? Are we truly timid when asking for what we want? Is it really so difficult to ask for an Easy Bake oven or a trip to Paris? It appears to be a tall order for most people, even within a healthy relationship to give an honest answer. How ironic is that!

Perhaps the practical approach is to simply say that you really need to know (and please be specific). Veiled hints and guessing games place too much burden on both parties and are unnecessary. In fact, they detract from the joy the giver might very well experience. At least this approach might lead to a dialog where (with some careful maneuvering) you will find out that he really does want you to wear a bow, make a pie and sing like Marilyn.

Darling Cynthia, Boys and Girls, just because you have lived with someone for a long time doesn't mean you can second guess their secret wishes. Wanting to know what would make someone else happy is caring and thoughtful. So be the Spanish Inquisition and dig a bit. If you still get, “Anything is fine” then take it for the truth it just may be.

Looking at the opposite sex: The two second rule

2010-10-01T10:12:00.001-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My girlfriend says it is really rude that I look at other women. She says that I am being disrespectful of her. I told her I love her and guys just look at attractive women. That is how it is, it has always been that way and basically we can't help it. She reads your column so could you tell her that it is normal and not to worry about it. Thanks.
Jeff, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Jeff,
Of course I will tell her that a man looking at women is normal and that you “just can't help it”. Are there any other things that you would like me to lie to her about while I’m at it? Since I already feel the flames of hell licking at my high heels for pretending to defend you, shall I also tell her that you are the man of her dreams and she should bow, scrape and be eternally grateful for having such a highly educated and emotionally mature man in her life? By the way Jeff, since we have left planet earth and are entirely in the realm of fantasy, let me enlighten you on a few of the myths that thrive in the manure-laden pastures of common thought.

It is a universally held belief that boys will be boys and look at girls. When boys are boys and not attached men, they can respectfully check out the opposite sex. So can girls. Oh my goodness Jeff - did you just drop your Corona? With a sterile goat as my witness, know and believe this: Girls look, leer and lust as much as boys do. Girls however, tend to do it with a bit more finesse. With adroit cleverness they gaze upon many a handsome creature - however the man-cake on display never feels anything, since she is subtle. Hello! Subtle!

On the other hand, boys (and men that think like boys), rarely master the art of a simple look. It becomes an ogling, eye-popping, tongue-dragging foray into Estrogen Valley, where the natives are friendly - but don't take kindly to being objectified and sexualized. For damn good reasons, I might add. Women are always more than just a piece of you-know-what - and if men had any sense they would grasp that and stop making excuses for immature behavior.

Does that mean that when in the company of a partner that we should exchange our Blackberry for a white cane and shuffle along the sidewalk, stooped over and head-hanging? Should we avert our eyes just in case we’re caught “not-looking?” Can we only notice naked models of perfection when they are Greek, made of stone and at least 2000 years old? As humans, part of our natural instinct is noticing what is attractive in our surroundings - be it human, excellent shoes, or the way the light looks on a fall afternoon. Looking briefly, nicely and then moving on is what is reasonable. Drooling or pretending not to drool but needing a bib is not reasonable. Especially, when in a relationship.

Here is a good rule of thumb: Remember the 2 second rule when food is dropped to the floor? It applies here as well, two seconds to look (if you must) and then let go of any further thoughts. And thoughts should never be like left over restaurant food-and reheated later on that night.

With the strength of the un-enlightened masses backing up the premise that “thoughts” don't matter, it is easy to rationalize away any and all guilt that what we think doesn't affect anyone else - let alone our own minds and psyche. Just who came up with what she doesn't know won't hurt her? Martha Stewart when she was out of crepe paper, chicken wire and gumdrops?

Thoughts are the most powerful things on the entire planet. They are the beginning and the end of all we know. Nothing except a true natural disaster is born without thought. Not an invention, a Nation, and certainly not a relationship of any value. Before love is an action, it is a thought. A kiss starts as a thought. Can anyone really believe anything else? All images and thoughts that enter the mind stay there forever. Just because the recall is sketchy doesn't mean that it doesn't exist lounging around in the gray matter, capable of causing something related to manifest. Even the thoughts we think we have control of show up as dreams, life choices and personal torments that are anything but fun.

Darling Jeff, Boys and Girls, Thoughts have the ability to impact us in more ways then there are visions to contemplate. The quick little fantasy of the brunette at Starbucks this morning glistens in the brain, the way a wedding band shines in the sunlight. It only takes the right stimulation to evoke the fantasy - or what’s behind the sparkle. We are either free, and truly in control of our thoughts (which now we know are reality in the making) or we are eternally no more than lab rats, being pushed and pulled by whatever is dropped into our cage.

Have a naughty day!

Trust needed in marriage

2010-09-23T17:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Jen,

Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.

The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.

It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.

There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.

Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.

Have a naughty day!

To trust or not to trust

2010-09-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Jen,
Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.

The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.

It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.

There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.

Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.

Have a naughty day!

Words are cheap

2010-09-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and every now and then he gets very frosty towards me. The next day he tells me that it was nothing I did, it was something from his past. He then forgets about it and wants me to do the same. At first I could, but now it has happened enough times to make me think if he really cared about me he would do more than just telling me it wasn't my fault and saying sorry. Other than this our relationship is great, but if he keeps doing this I will probably get fed up and leave and he won't even know why!
T.K. SANTA BARBARA

Dear T,
The “Curse of the Lottery” is without a doubt a highly strange phenomenon. Why are there are more than a few examples of lottery winners that go from hero to zero? When we are gifted something incredible are we more likely to squander it away? Or was the inclination to ruin good fortune buried like treasure from the devil-just waiting for an opportunity to show up?

A common topic at dinner parties, first dates and traffic delays on the 101, is to discuss just what one might do with a fortuitous financial windfall- like winning the lottery. It is an equally common discussion to sketch out the perfect relationship. In fact there are more entries on Match.com from perspective Mr. Rights threatening to treat a lady like a lady (whatever that means) then there is factual information on beverage preferences. So when someone, against all odds has a great relationship, why do they so easily lose sight of keeping it great?

Are too many of us like the lottery winner that rips through millions of dollars on wine, women and song and ends up dead in the trunk of some disgruntled second cousins old Ford truck? Is it really that much trouble to make it right when you have made it wrong? In other words, what do baby birds and “I’m sorry” have in common? They are both cheap-cheap-cheap.

Putting it in print and perspective, it is relatively difficult to have a meaningful, stable, and loving relationship. There I have said it. No sugar coating here folks, it is hard and seems to get more difficult all the time. Therefore if one actually has come across such rare wonder, one does need to go the distance after a faux pas of any kind.

Darling T, Boys and Girls, when your sweetie or anyone important to you, causes emotional harm, ask for what you would like to make it better. Give up on the expectation that anyone (except for me) can read your mind and tell them what you need from them. We are not going for punishment here, unless that’s your idea of making amends, we are going for somewhere special or a loving token like flowers or beer, along- side an extra warm and honest “I am sorry”.

Two things are likely to happen. 1. He or she will think a bit harder before making the original sin again and 2. You will be able to return to normal a bit faster. Remember this, everything is an opportunity to show you care and everything is an opportunity to show you don’t.

Have a naughty day!

Meeting the parents

2010-09-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Next week I am going out of state to meet my bf's parents for the first time. I am afraid that I won't know how to react to them. A functioning family that has all its pieces put together is something that is about as foreign to me as speaking Swahili. I grew up with no family but myself and I do not know how to let people love me. I have amazing manners and I know they will like me, but I have NO clue how to accept any of it. It's really stressful thinking about all of this and I want this to be the happy experience it should be. How can I just get over it?
-Not alone anymore

Dear Not Alone,
“Meet the parents” conjures up as much insecurity as Bubba’s Burger’s opening day in the heart of downtown Bangladesh. Bubba would like to “get over” that he just sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars in a place where cows are worshipped off the bun, but that isn’t going to happen. Truth is, no one gets over anything. We do however, have the potential to work our way though and into a better reality. And hopefully for Bubba- a better location analysis the next time around.

When the “Dynamic Duo” (and we are not talking Batman and Robin here) are on the immediate horizon, fantasy expectations are supersized along with the ghostly residue of whatever we lacked in the fragile years before adulthood. I can do a great New York Jewish mother accent here and tell you (while painfully pinching your cheek): “Just be yourself-they will love you!!! What’s not to love?” But even through your giggles, I think something more substantial is needed to get you though this rite of passage.

Presenting our sweetheart to The Folk’s means we are asking for their blessing and our sweetheart gets a heads up about possible future in-laws. Anyone can pretend - and they will - that this time honored introduction doesn’t carry much weight, but they would be grossly misinformed. It is an all-out nod for approval in all directions. Therefore it is no wonder that it can cause more than a slight tummy upset.

And speaking of approval, there is no such thing as a perfectly functioning family. Every family has the side they need to world to see, and the not so warm and fuzzy bits they hide away. Like the extensive collection of life-like dolls that are squirreled away after a heads-up that “the new girl” has a thing about life-like dolls. The reality on meeting “the parents” is very much like the reality of a first date. There isn’t much of one. Usually everyone, including the potted plant you bring for a hostess gift, will be on his or her best behavior, which is really covering up the true anxiety, big or small that everyone will be feeling. See how much you have in common all ready?

You also said, “I do not know how to let people love me.” I think you do since you have a BF that obviously thinks so much of you he wants to “take you home to mom and dad.” You have let him love you and where there is one let in, there will be more. But let me ease your stress level just a bit: You don’t need for them to love you, and liking you would be nice but even that is optional – not necessary. Regardless, as you said yourself, it is taken care of. “I have amazing manners and I know they will like me.” Continuing to confidently believe that will go a long way toward making it your reality.

Darling Not, Boys, and Girls, Leonardo da Vinci is quoted as saying, “Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is first known”. With that comforting thought in mind, pack the more conservative of your clothes, the aforementioned potted plant, and just be the charming self your BF fell in love with.

Have a naughty day!

The long commute to communication

2010-08-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I had a huge fight this week. It was awful and brought up a lot of stuff for us both. The reason I am writing isn’t about what actually happened, I can figure that out myself. What I want to know is how can you think you have a great relationship, the kind where you feel you are two of a kind, and then end up in such a bad place? It was like neither one of us could hear the other one and I always thought communication was one of our strong points. I would be grateful if you wouldn’t mind thinking through this for me.
A loyal reader, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Loyal,
With thinking cap firmly a top my head, I am happy to be your beck and call girl. I can tell you that you are not alone in your experience or in your question. The best of relationships can find themselves in murky waters, where the bottom is hidden and when something is accidently touched, it is mysteriously slimy and the instinctual option is to pull away in fear.

So when a relationship that has prided itself on long talks deep into the night, exacting discussions on world politics and intense forays into the spiritual unknowns finds itself using potty language worthy of a 10 year old with Tourettes, something is very wrong. It is a 4 -shot espresso that it is time to learn the highly under-utilized skill of communication.

If a relationship is able to provide what all of the people want most of the time, it still has a valid shelf life. The amicable joint journeys into verbal camaraderie prove that there is something of great worth to be continually nurtured. But how much of our communication skill set is ever tested when discussing insane liberal policies, the 10th spiritual plane, or if David Bowie was ever a spy for the Soviet Union? Aside from the always polite-wait-your-turn-until-speaking and a particularly interesting if not deviant opinion on the consumption of veal, there is not much that teaches us how to communicate.

Believe it or not, good communication has something in common with revenge. Both are a dish that is best served cold. In other words, during an extremely heated and emotional moment, everyone has the potential to say and hear things that are just not true. If anger is really fear with teeth, than what is said or implied, is more often than not, just a way to wound. A childish version of you-hurt-me-first…

Choosing to react to a reaction just makes a chain of fools of everyone involved. It is in our human nature, when under attack to either strike back in response or defend ourselves. (Think of both as evil cake with pretty frosting that shouldn’t be eaten, let alone baked in the first place). The issue with this approach is that no one is heard and nothing is accomplished. To have good maybe even great communication takes true maturity. It means detaching from the scared little self that feels under attack and simultaneously letting go of a desired outcome. Taking turns listening, without responding (no cake allowed) takes lots of 0practice! In a happy relationship, since the trials tend to be far and few between, this practice never takes place.

Darling Loyal, Boys and Girls, it is no wonder that a relationship that thinks it can walk really well, slips and falls when it finds itself in dangerous and unfamiliar territory. There was never any practice for such an experience and although a couple may be fantastic at day to day problem solving, deep philosophical musings and both love chocolate milk at bedtime, doesn’t mean they are prepared in the least for a real trial during the experience we call marriage.
Have a naughty day!

Leave me alone

2010-08-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I broke up with this guy and he is making it very difficult. He shows up at mutual friends events and then won’t leave me alone. I don’t want to give up MY friends and my life but he doesn’t seem to understand the word no. Any ideas?
Getting Desperate, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Desperate:
If we were cousins in Little Italy I would suggest a quick and easy-to-delete text message to Uncle Vinnie requesting “Da Shoes”, but unfortunately we are far removed from such an elementary, but efficient solution. Equally unfortunate is the fact that your ex doesn’t realize he is an ex and doesn’t have the emotional maturity to accept that “over” means immediately over. There is probably nothing more final then a women giving a man the old, “It IS you, not me and we are done.” But if he didn’t hear the clod of dirt fall on the coffin yet, he isn’t going to anytime soon.

So after taking the necessary shots of courage and tequila and going to the trouble to honestly shoot a relationship down, why is it that some people just won’t accept that dead means dead? If the relationship was worth terminating for one, wasn’t it “turn out the lights, the party’s over” for everyone? Why would someone want to stay with someone who doesn’t want them? How could someone not realize that someone would never want to be with someone that wants to be with someone that doesn’t want them! Although that truism is way too long to be a tattoo (on most people), it is worth reading over a few times until you get it. Really.

Darling Desperate, Boys and Girls, I am going to venture a guess that this response won’t be popular – however, the only way to speed the closure (short of a threatening call from Uncle Vinnie) is to avoid the conflict completely. Even, if that means taking a break from socializing for the time being with your mutual friends. The “gentleman” in question does not seem to be someone that is willing, under the circumstances to respect your boundaries anytime soon. While it seems very unfair for you to be the one that has to (temporarily) change your life, ultimately your absence may be the only way for him to move on.

By treating him as though he is an extinct dinosaur, and that means no contact of any kind, he may then become your past instead of your present. Once again, since we cannot control other people our only option, is to modify our own behavior. Not always fun or fair, but always the path of least resistance.

Have a naughty day!

Finding men who appreciate romance

2010-08-07T10:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Why is it so hard for men to comprehend that women need romance? Is it really so difficult to do something that SHE thinks is special, even if he doesn’t? And one more thing, if you have to ask for romance why does it diminish the effect?
Nancy, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Nancy,
Don’t know. Yes. The original expectation was never met. Now that we have the obvious quickly out of the way, let me state that it is a known fact that men who revere romance do exist. In fact the few rare souls that know the difference between scheduling a sunset and happening upon a sunset are currently being used for experimental purposes in a lab somewhere in Switzerland. I read that on the internet, so that is proof enough for me.

Although it is pleasant to have this kind of proof, it can also be highly disappointing that something exists but seems to be as hard to have as a porch light that always works. The well-beyond-scientific-fact is if isn’t in someone’s disposition to be romantic, intelligent, or (fill in your own blank here), the only option is to get over it - and fast. No one can make anyone do anything they don’t want to do - and the ACLU will take you to court for using voodoo dolls.

If romance is as foreign as concept as chocolate cherries make an ideal breakfast, you might as well give up. Without a doubt, continual expectation is the preverbal recipe for disaster. Not even a world class chef can make a decent dish when working with pork chops, horseradish, cinnamon and avocado butter –in equal proportions.

Therefore let’s modify the original Nancy Drew-like questions into: How do you not care that romance – girlie, starry-eyed, sipping-beer-from-the-same-can romance - is all but non-existent?

When we choose to stop expecting, then perhaps a surprise can be found. Sorry, but that is as good as it gets. I would love to spin a tale here and lift up Nancy where she belongs, but the truth - albeit painful - has its rewards.

The primary compensation in accepting that the R in romance is also the R in realistic, is recognizing that eventually the disappointment will lessen. So will the expectations.

That is not to take away from the fact that disappointment is certainly valid, but to understand that there are some things we are powerless to change and it is in our best interests to know when to give up. Yes, I said give up, but not in a bad way.

Darling Nancy, Boys and Girls: training a seal takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a dog takes patience, love for the craft and creature and lots of treats. Training a man takes patience, love for the craft and creature and there will never be enough treats.

Have a naughty day!

Hard to pin down

2010-07-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a woman I really like but I think she might be too good for me. I hate that I feel this way since I know I am a great guy. I don’t think of myself as in insecure wimp so why the lack of confidence when it comes to her? As a little background she is incredibly beautiful, really smart and we have a great time whenever we hang out. My friends tell me to get over it and don’t worry, so I am hoping you have an answer with a bit more depth.
Thanking you in advance,
K.R.T, SANTA BARBARA

Dear KRT,
My highest esteem goes to whoever came up with the concept that we “fall” in love. This gospel truth is not only Nobel Prize-worthy, but lives in the rarified air with the most intelligent concepts that humans have shaken down from the tree of knowledge. Gravity, relativity and that we fall when faced with the blinding magnificence of another, live side by side in smug harmony.

Our gratitude should be endless for this little gem, but alas, most of us choose to stumble along and refuse to take into account just how blind love really is. The fact that we continually ignore the obvious helpful hint does not diminish from its clear-cut call-it-like-it-is-candor. Like a pickle with pastrami on rye, love and falling just seem to go together.

The conundrum faced when taking into account the newly-found picture perfect partner is that the majority of what one is falling for is an illusion. For not only is the object of affection putting his or her best foot forward, all the romantic ideals and daydreams that we nurture come out to play. We notice what we choose to notice - as opposed to what is real. This includes all the attributes of our new interest times 10. We also make the mundane take on a starring role in the romance. For example, a lightning storm is just nature being nature, but on dates one through six, a storm becomes seriously rapturous; evoking amorous and feelings of deep and meaningful consequence.

So if there is little or no reality to the beginning of most relationships is it possible that we don’t see ourselves clearly either? Could it be that when Wonder Woman’s stock is rising, Spider Man feels a bit shakey about his own portfolio of talents? It could be so. When we place someone on a pedestal we do so at great peril to them, ourselves, and the future relationship. For once someone is up on a pedestal the only way they can see you is by looking down - on you. And why would anyone want to be with someone that doesn’t think well of themselves? If you don’t think you are good enough why should she think so? If she thinks you’re great, why do you doubt her good judgment? After all, at this point she Princess Perfect in all things! Right?

Darling KRT, Boys and Girls, the only remedy for the “she (or he) is too good for me blues” is too take stock of all the intricately good things about yourself and be as real as possible at all times. If being real blows the relationship sooner than later, to quote Martha Stewart: “It’s a good thing”. You haven’t lost anything of consequence, and you’ve kept something much more valuable: your true self respect.

Have a naughty day!

Choice and Choice

2010-07-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I recently moved into together and it is great. I have everything I ever wanted and yet there seems to be something missing. Am I just a brat for feeling discontentment or is it a sign that maybe it isn’t as good as I think it is?
Love,N.T

Dear N,
As much as it might amuse the readers to agree that you are indeed a brat or even work with the Ouija board scenario that you’re “feeling” might be a sign of some sort, I am going to go for the gold here and introduce a new conflict for you. Could it be possible, that even though Mr. Right is Mr. Right there might be another Mr. Right out there? Maybe a Mr. Right with a better job, bigger retirement package, and a huge company car? Could we beg the questions, even though this is good, could it be even better?

I am guessing that it would shock you to know that once upon a time there was Shredded Wheat, Corn Flakes and oatmeal. And equally shocking is that we were happy. Then they made Trix, Count Chocula and Lucky Charms, we were still happy but getting a little confused. Now there are approximately 150 choices in cereal alone. Do we really need 150 different kinds of grains in a box? The amount of choice we experience on a daily basis has soared since the day Batman made his TV debut in the 60’s

The X, Y and Z generations consider so much bounty as a birth right. They weren’t born with a silver spoon in the mouth but an entire 200 piece set of flatware and the hostess set including an extra butter knife. Have all those possibilities, grown to insane proportions since the 60’s gone to our heads and rendered us lost for more than just a few words? Is it for better or worse to have so many options? If relationship contentment is based on feeling that we have made a really good choice, have all the available possibilities stripped us away from accepting that we made a good choice? In other words, oatmeal works just fine and it comes with options. Raisins and brown sugar.

Darling N, Boys and Girls, if we spend our days upgrading our phones just because we can maybe we short change ourselves in not appreciating the features we currently have. One day they will come out with Count Chocula with Trix bits just to test us. Captain Crunch will try the organic thing. Yes, there will always be more phones, more cereals, and more Mr. Rights possible. However take some time out and just sit with what you do have and you might see you have even more than you thought you did.
Have a naughty day!

Enjoy the ride

2010-07-02T10:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
An ex of mine used to use Old Spice Body Wash. Crazy thing is my current BF uses it too. How can I get this particular product out of my life?
Rap, Santa Barbara

Dear Rap,
Old Spice? Are you dating your grandfather? If not follow the following dialogue and all will be well: “Crazy or not, my ex used to use the same wash you do. When I see it in the shower it reminds me of him. When I am in the shower (he will love this part) I like to think of you.” Then present a bottle of something made in this century and take a shower together to seal the deal. You will both be clean, smelling good and have washed the ex out of your hair.

Dear Miss Kitty,
I always hear these wonderful stories about chance meetings my friends had with their significant others. In line for a concert, at the grocery store, walking their dogs at the beach ... and bam ... they're a couple.? I've been single for a while now and am getting tired of the night club scene. I was at Jiffy Lube today, and while I was waiting for my oil change, a good-looking stranger sat beside me. How do you strike up a conversation with someone at such a random place as Jiffy Lube? The whole "So, do you come here often?" line doesn't really work in this situation. Where would you even begin? ??Looking for my chance encounter,
-Tess

Dear Tess,
On a stupendously sunny July day, an attractive woman was flipping through an old issue of Car and Driver while waiting for an oil change. While reading that the car of the year is the Volkswagen Polo and not the Chevy Old Spice, a good-looking stranger made his way to the seat beside her. “So, do you come here often?” she smiled. “Yes, every three thousand miles”. She laughed. Looking down at his hand she didn’t see the glint of a wedding band, so she took the plunge and asked if he would like to go next door and have a coffee while they waited for their cars. “Only if you will split a piece of chocolate cake with me”, he replied without missing a beat.

Will Jiffy Love turn into wedding bells? Or was it just a summer lube and tune? Truth be told, it doesn’t matter. It isn’t the interesting situation or lack of them – what does matter is how self confidence is applied to dating opportunities. Every situation is an opportunity waiting to happen – if you stay aware and have developed the poise, chutzpah and enough courage to break the ice. Does that mean that the hot guy in the glasses at Trader Joe’s with a basket full of frozen veggie sausage is available? No, he might very well have a small tribe of vegans waiting at home, but who cares? Making casual conversation-person to person and regardless of the outcome - is great practice for when the real opportunities drive into your life.

When we put unrealistic pressure on ourselves to never make the mistake of coming across as foolish or forward (or worse yet just wait and hope the other person takes the fearsome opening leap) we limit our dating opportunities to 1988 pickups and mopeds - when there a plenty of exciting Corvettes and BMWs waiting for a test-drive.

Darling Tess, Boys and Girls since the only fear in consorting with “the enemy” is the fear of rejection, practicing really does make perfect. And what’s the worst that can happen? Soon the old knife plunging into your heart upon hearing a “no” is just a little prick! When your perception of the opening-line situation changes from abject fear to “gee, this is fun” you will see the number of opportunities (and “yeses”) start to accelerate like a top fuel dragster. Above all, since the real thing can appear without notice, it makes sense to be well versed in being a good human and to train yourself to enjoy the ride.

Have a naughty day!

Life's a beach

2010-06-17T15:49:00.001-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I read your column weekly, and it seems that there are a lot of relationship problems out there. My wife and I have a great relationship and I think one of the reasons why is that we don’t “expect” from each other. I must admit that even without expectation, there are times when I find myself feeling disappointed and wondering what went wrong. What I would like to do is avoid this feeling altogether. Is this normal and can it be done?
T. SANTA BARBARA

Dear T,
Imagine hearing tales of a remote tropical Island paradise. You are intrigued with the idea of its mysterious beauty as well as the adventure it can provide. You devour well-researched literature in order to educate yourself as much as you possibly can before embarking on the trip of your dreams. When you arrive you are dumb-struck, as what you imagined - even with all the information gathering - is just not what you had envisioned.

The quaint Asian outdoor market from page 101 of your guide book brings new meaning to the phrase mystery meat. Nemo isn’t happily swimming alongside, as much as hiding from your underwater screams, as you “connect” with what is really nature. As vacations can bring new light to what was a perceived ideal, so can the reality of what is a relationship. In other words, even the perfect man is likely to leave the toilet seat up.

So why are we so easily and immediately disillusioned when happily-ever-after isn’t a pristine isolated beach but a crowded free-for-all with kids being kids and the sun being the potentially painful burning orb it really is? Most interestingly, where did the original picture-perfect picture come from? Why is that perceived image the right one - and the reality wrong?

It is impossible to not have expectations. Even the goal of not having an expectation is an expectation. Expectation is the kissing cousin of altruism. Altruism’s job description proves it only a concept, and the ultimate impossible dream. Avoiding expectation is the second impossible dream. Making peace for the sake of making peace is an excuse to avoid what truly matters to us. Making sense of where we find ourselves - and adjusting to our circumstances - is healthy and saves the soul from further torment. Paradise may be what you make it, but it does take a certain adjustment in perception when there are too many city lights to see the stars and too much traffic to hear the ocean.

Darling T, Boys and Girls: when we know ourselves we have the opportunity to know what floats our rental boat. When we are not sure that we deserve better, we feel the disappointment and take it on as a permanent state of being. Adjusting ourselves to “make it right” is the same thing as rationalizing, but with a supreme difference. When we allow ourselves to be open to what is and work within reality, even disappointment, we can find acceptable peace. Accepting something for what it is, including the inevitable disillusionments, allows us to connect back to what it is to be human (not a perfect stone demigod), and therefore find our way. We can make something that appears to be less than what we “wished” into something that satisfies us with a rewarding, growing experience.

Have a naughty day!

www.MyExWasAnAss.com

2010-06-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have just started to date a man that I have known for a few years. During lunch with a friend, the new guy came up in conversation and I was given an ear full about his past. It turns out my friend was his ex-wife’s best friend and knew all the dirt. We have a weekend away planned and after all I heard, I am not sure what to do. I could ask him if it was all true, but won’t he just cover his u-know-what? Is there any point to asking or should I just break it off now?
Lisa L, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Lisa,
Ever make a patchwork quilt out of feathers, bits of old foil and twist ties? I haven’t yet, but I am sure it would be easier than working through this dilemma. The particulars aside, how savvy is it to trust someone else’s experience instead of our own? Isn’t a couple’s prior problems based on the whole not just the parts? Do second chances herald second guessing? Going out on a treacherous limb here, hanging over the alligator filled pond, I will make a motion that it is safer to get the whole dirt and nothing but the dirt from the source. Amen.

In his own way Jay Leno reports actual and factual political crimes and misdemeanors, albeit with an eye for a bit of entertainment. That’s his MO, and we accept what he says couched in such knowledge. “The friend” may be a holy oracle of facts and figures, and then again, maybe not. Pancakes, coins and vinyl albums all have two sides and so do relationships. It may appear so, but underneath the tight wrapping of all relationships, there is not a one that is an exception.
Not only does each side have its own reality, a third party is never going to be a highly sophisticated and completely neutral database. It may only be years away, but as far as I know, there is nothing that enables disgruntled men and women to post their woes on myexwasanass.com along with a picture and profile of the misanthrope in question. Becoming informed by a well-meaning friend might be dodging a bullet and it might mean missing a big piece of your personal life puzzle.

As messy as it may sound, there is only one clean option here. Be transparent and lay the dirt down so he can take a look at it too. Be open to his response and listen to your gut. If it feels like he is dismissing it with a sweep under the rug, he probably is. If he opens up and lets you in on “his side”, listen. You will learn a lot. If he doesn't want to bring the ex- files into your new relationship at this time, I would put my weekend bag away for awhile and slow things way down. Since we knowledge and have empathy for each other through sharing our pasts, the good, the bad and the ugly, most people find sharing the old dirt comes along within the first few dates and is healthy.

Darling Lisa, Boys and Girls, whether we get our information from whosemydate.com, a Ouija Board or the next door neighbor, it must all be tempered by what we see, hear and feel. Preferably in that order! Not the monkey way. See no evil? The recipe for naïve in a bottle. Hear no evil? Knowledge is power. Speak no evil? The truth hurts and as the saying goes, will set you free.
Have a naughty day!

The present is the time of your life

2010-06-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years and I am feeling a bit lost. I know it was for the best (for both of us) but I miss the old times. I would like to be able get over it faster than I am. Any suggestions?
Tony, GOLETA

Dear Tony and Graduating Classes of 2010,
As June gloom settles in, Santa Barbara’s very own cloaking device, it heralds that another season has arrived and summer wonders are still under wraps. Break ups, graduation and all of life’s changes are just like that. Be they planned, expected or thrust upon us, change is one of the two constants that you can count on. The other is you.

As David Bowie was strutting his way through the song, “Changes,” he sang,” that time may change me
but I can't trace time.” Even without a heavy application of truly glamorous eye make-up to make us take notice, this is one of life’s’ great truths. There really is no time, just made- up markers to give us the illusion of control within what is certainly a tumultuous experience. The second great truth is that time does not matter or rather it is not an answer of any consequence as to how we should live our lives.

When we are good, within our changes, accepting transitions as something we actually have a say in, we can relax. Perhaps even see the immense opportunity that is the gift within the fog. With change, suddenly comes the intense illumination that aside from ourselves we have control over virtually nothing! Is that a 7.5 on the emotional Richter Scale? What else could bring down thousands of graduation caps from their brief fling upward? Albeit a sobering thought, it is also a revelation like no other. Unveiled is the reality that we, and we alone have control only over ourselves and that is truly as good as it gets. It is as good as it needs to be. Indeed, the best and worst part of being human.

Darling Tony, Class, Boys and Girls, whether leaving love before it sours, or moving on as scheduled to the next level of formal education, the class room called life will continually beckon. This is the one class where no one is ever late, everyone works at their own pace and graduation is one big mystery. It is why the present is the time of your life.
Have a naughty day!

Nothing to fear by staying clear

2010-05-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am in my 20’s and it seems impossible to just spend time with someone of the opposite sex without it trying to turn into a sexual relationship. It always turns into something and that causes problems. Is it just not possible for men and women to be just friends? Seriously, just friends.
K. P, SANTA BARBARA

Dear K,
Secrets are for surprise birthday parties, professional spies and superheroes. Yet secret agendas seem to be impossible to avoid when it comes to dating. The overpowering leverage to be a couple - and only a couple so help you God - is imposed upon by society like nobody’s business. Predisposed to populate doesn’t help matters either. “Just friends” is where the expression between a rock and a hard place got its start. In fact, “Just friends” may be the only cliché with some clout as it does seem that it is extraordinarily difficult for men and women to avoid the pitfall of our culture and chemistry and just be friends.

What does it take for the lurking force driving away the simple pleasure of pure friendship, to back off? Why can’t we rein in daydreams and fantasy and hormones in favor of something a lot more authentic and maybe a lot better? Since body parts are not detachable could we learn to detach from them at least for the sake of friendship?

Considering the agenda fairy has a life time supply of free triple espresso’s and gets paid by the couple police, “just friends” takes a lot of work. The requirement of utmost honesty at all times is a must. That means not only being honest with your friend but equally honest with the self. It means no jealousy allowed when your friend is dating. It means having a serious mental check in about personal values when slipping into dreamy reverie over the possibilities of your friend’s cleavage.

Does that mean that to be friends both need to be charter members of Club Androgynous? Only slightly, because to be fair, playing the temptress with a buddy is just plain mean. This rule goes for him as well. If you wouldn’t give your golf buddies a massage, then no massage for Ms. Buddy either. Forget about the movies, where ‘one crazy night” can be smoothed over or blamed on the Tequila taste-testing. In real life, that crazy night will carry enough weight to topple the friendship right off its fragile perch. Avoiding uncomfortable situations and sticking to a prescribed set of values is a hard core requisite if “only friends” is going to a chance.

Ultimately, it means having a heightened sense of awareness regarding all the unseen and unsaid “rules” that we as men and women tend to live by. For example, a man buying dinner may not be rationalized because he is a man, he has more money or he “really” wants to. Buying someone dinner, on a regular basis can initiate the perception of dating and that means “dating protocol” will be evoked by one or both parties. In other words, a slippery slope into confusion as to what the relationship really is. Remember this. The agenda fairy can smell the plastic wafting up from a VISA slapped down on the bill from a nice Italian dinner like no one else.

One way to avoid instant confusion is to instigate Dutch Treat. As much as Dutch Treat sounds like an adult film shot on location in Amsterdam, or something you might find on a stick in Solvang; it really means an outing or date in which each person pays his or her own expenses. The term dates from about 1870 so even way back when girls and boys were having trouble.

Darling K and Boys and Girls, the road to relationship hell is paved with unclear expectations and lack of well defined rules as to what each person wants from the other person. The good news is that it is easy to re-pave (with plenty of glitter) the way to gratifying and authentic relating, either as great friends or lovers, with transparent communication of intent and sticking with integrity to values that are consistent with that intent. As Johnny C. said during the OJ defense, there is nothing to fear by staying clear!
Have a naughty day!

The man that would love me forever

2010-05-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Rocketman,

It has been a very long time since I have written to you. I am sure the DS readers won’t mind and the question about Viagra can wait until next week. With that being said I never knew that life would bring me the challenges it has and never expected anything but bliss in being married to you. Thinking that our experience together would be a life of soul searching conversations, shadow puppet hilarity and the kind of romance I had only dreamt about-was both sweet and very naïve.

What I didn’t truly grasp until this past year, is that the depth of a relationship is measured in far more than its promises and good -willed intentions. A relationship is measured by how those promises and good intentions are delivered on a daily basis. I learned that anything less- is less than you or I is willing to live with. And for that, I am very grateful.

One of the greatest gifts that I now claim is that I know without any doubt, that I am with a man that loves me for me. You have proven to me that my trust, my respect, my love are worthy of fighting for-you did and continue to do so. And for that, I am very grateful.

I also know that I am deeply committed to following my values, even when the road would be easier, without them. I know that I put my spiritual tenants above empty and obvious happiness. I know that I do not hide, I am not weak and I am proud of being the wife I am. And for that, I am very grateful.

A life long dream was to find a man that would love me forever, be as honest as I am, and embrace our partnership as a fine and beautiful expression of being human. With the glamour of girlish romance now stripped away for good, I believe that I can recognize you as that man. And for that, I am very grateful.

All my love,

Miss Kitty

An emotional pre-nup

2010-04-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am getting married in few months and although I love my husband to be, I am not blind to the fact that over half of marriages end in divorce. Is there anything I can do to improve the odds?
Traci, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Traci,
With the bombardment of celebrity faux pas, divorce attorneys advertising gift with purchase, and the actual statistics being on the kind side, there is reason to worry. So how do you feel confident when entering into the spiritual, emotional and business contract otherwise known as marriage? Is it possible to stack the deck? Isn’t love enough? When it comes to a successful marriage, love alone is never enough.

We live in a world of rules and regulations since apparently humans haven’t evolved to a state where we can police ourselves. “No shirt-no service”, “video surveillance in use on these premises”, “click it or ticketl” - it doesn’t seem to stop does it? And yet, jails are as full as a free Carnival cruise and saving a receipt for a wedding gift is as prudent as checking a lovers email account.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks to happily-ever-after is that “happy” is hinged on little more than promises of good behavior while in the throes of pre-marital bliss. Given that table cloth colors have topped world events as a dinner table subject this is not a time when reason is prevailing. There is everything right about planning a wedding with the one you love, but unfortunately only a smidgen of real thinking goes into planning the marriage. It’s the thing that comes after the colored table cloths – and is supposed to last a lifetime.

I apologize if I sound harsh and perhaps even a bit brittle. I have written countless columns on trust or rather the lack of it, all because a large percentage of people just don’t understand, value or implement the concept. If nothing else, marriage is the ultimate proving ground for trust or the lack of it. That being said, it is possible to mitigate - if not profoundly alter - the possible outcome of “I do” into something that will last longer than a garter toss.

Written contracts are widely used and have great value. You can’t buy a house, adopt a dog, or rent a car without one. They clearly state values, boundaries and consequences. Marriage vows seem to be missing the last two concepts. In this day and age is anyone so naïve to think “it won’t happen to me?’ Are we paralyzed by passion into thinking it is unreasonable to be business-like about what is essentially a lifelong business? A traditional marriage value is until death us do part. The modern translation is to stick it out as long as it isn’t too much work. Are you willing to stay if your partner strays? What if an undiscovered addiction is brought to light? What if your husband is really a Labrador in disguise?
If there was a written contract in place that said, I value blank and if that boundary is crossed, I will blank, both partners know upfront what is acceptable and what is not. What will transpire if need be. One of the major benefits is that the wronged party will not be placed in a position of “being the bad guy” which so often happens during a break up.

Darling Traci, Boys and Girls, think of it as an emotional pre-nup. It enables both parties to clarify to each other and themselves what they hold dear (other than each other) and takes a very serious commitment into the thinking realm. Love conquers all, but not always in the most obvious sense. Sometimes love takes away what we hold personally precious and that is nothing to say “I do” for, without reasonable assurance of minimum risk.
Have a naughty day!

Thinking too much

2010-04-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I know a guy is really in to me, but he hasn’t even talked to me yet. Do you think he will?

T, SANTA BARBARA
Dear T,
Words are cheap, why wouldn’t he use them?

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating someone for about six weeks. We are having a great time and really like each other. I am wondering if we have enough in common for a long term relationship. I was going to bring it up over the weekend, but I hoped that you could give me some steering direction first.
R.Z. SANTA BARBRA

Dear R.Z,
When the company is splendid and the days are progressing without incident, why is it so difficult to just enjoy? There is no reason to name it, envision the future, or break a new relationship down and file it under an appropriate heading. Luxuriate in it for what it is, instead of wondering what it isn't or can never be. The truth is that making rules doesn’t imply a guarantee of happiness. Concocting relationship do’s and don’ts, won’t guarantee happiness either. Allowing ourselves to feel happiness, guarantees contentment, if nothing else. There is a Zen-toddleresque component to human connections. Sometimes we have to let it be, observe and tell our thinking selves to go away and play in the mud!

Like grease following frying bacon, unless we consciously decide to put a lid on it, pleasant passion becomes a slick surface for happiness to slide off of. Even when a relationship is full of delights why is there is always a period when the questions come forth? Like the winter holidays, they show up even when we could do without them and never know the difference. What about future living situations? Will we be compatible if I think carrots are the other white meat and you don’t? This can be a make it or break it time for lots of couples, and here’s a big secret. It doesn't need to be so. If both are feeling happy, it is a huge disservice to what might be, to over-think the unknown (and most everything is) into woe.

Thinking people think too much and in the beginning stages of a relationship the need to get in touch with our inner Einstein is all consuming. Leaving well enough alone makes sense now doesn’t it? Romance is like water, you can trust it will always seek its own level, eventually. Humans have a profound desire to play connect the dots, instead of waiting to see what dots end up connected all by themselves.

Darling R.Z, Boys and Girls, if the company is good, the major dots connect, the rest doesn't really matter. It's about having fun, feeling good, and being open to what could be. A blissful new relationship belongs under candle light, not under the harsh glare of interrogation bulbs. A new relationship doesn't need to be a project in a dissection lab either. When you break ANYTHING down, the magic dissipates very swiftly. If there is a major problem or a deep unease, by all means call in the Spanish Inquisition, feel free to cry,” NEXT”! But when it feels good, don’t unravel something quite precocious into tiny fragments. A word to the wise, love and romance are found in combinations, but never in dissevered parts.
Have a naughty day!

Honoring Invisible Contracts

2010-04-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have a crush on an amazingly beautiful woman. She's smart, she's sexy and her smile could light up a room. It's nearly impossible to describe the euphoria that surrounds me when I look into her eyes. It's powerful. The logic in me says I'm too old to be a school-yard secret admirer, but my shy guy has other plans. When I first met her, I was awed by her mysterious beauty. As she carried herself, pale and slender, gracefully and elegantly towards one of the other men in the room, I noticed something. She seemed like a queen, high and regal, with a strange air of mystery about her. And her beauty couldn't help but add to her mystery. Her long, deep-strawberry-blond hair and striking grayish-green eyes make her an irresistible magnet for my gaze. It's useless not to stare. I am not some creep, just an old-school romantic with a desire for passion who had to let his true feelings be known. I read your column weekly, and will look for a response.
Jim, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Jim,
Thank you for taking a breather from your promising- romance- novelist career to let me and thousands of Daily Sound readers know of your true feelings. Although you may have brought a smile to my rosy lips, you didn’t actually ask me a question! So let me ask you a few. Considering the fiery passion that lurks within your manly chest, why have you not acted on your intense ardor? Why tell all of us and not the object of your obvious affections? Or sly dog that you just may be, are you hoping/guessing that she is reading this column along with her morning- large- cream- based- caramel- frappucccino with an extra shot stirred in, not on top?
Although many a man has gazed from afar, perhaps even left homemade egg rolls atop a Scion, most grown- up women find discomfort in the concept of a secret admirer. After all, mother told us not to talk to strangers. Let alone strange men that don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason in being forthright with their intentions. Menu’s have prices, politicians have parties (or should), and most people like to know the player, if not the whole game.

Mystery might be Alfred Hitchcock’s raison D’etre but for most of us the less mystery the better! We read the last page of a page turner, would rather be with the devil we know than the devil we don’t and we always want to know what’s for dinner. Knowing gives us an impression, albeit a false one, of security. Ever wondered why every baby gets a blankie within days of arriving? Water, food and security are crucial for our survival as a species.

We excuse children from confiding their crushes with good reason. The admission of a crush is likely to inspire playground torments yet undiscovered by the Taliban. And the reason kindergartners don’t sign their Valentines is that they can’t spell. Once we pass the age of dodge ball being a graded activity, we really need to step up to the plate and take a chance. Looking, lusting and leering from afar is more likely to get a free orange jumpsuit and cell mates that won’t appreciate dinner by candlelight.

Darling Jim, Boys and Girls, we live in a world with many an invisible contract. As human beings, we owe respect without reservation to those we come in contact with. Giving someone a chance to hear what we have to say and accepting the consequences is honoring at least one of the invisible contracts. Whether having a bad hair day or frightened that their soul is being stolen, tribal natives in Cameroon don’t like having their picture taken. Out of respect, one asks. Don’t you think the object of your affections deserves the same consideration?
Have a naughty day!

Honesty is the best policy

2010-04-09T17:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I had a great relationship with a guy for about six months and enjoyed every moment we were together. After this time he started to change in subtle but annoying ways. I thought it was just that the honeymoon dating period had ended. Not so! Slowly I learned things about him that made a mockery of all he had told me. He was just acting and saying things to please me but couldn't keep it up. When I finally asked him about his pretenses he grew very angry and I left as fast as I could. I feel so tricked and stupid.
JD, Ventura

Dear JD,
Once upon a time a man wanted to cross a river, but it was too deep and too swift for him to cross safely. As he sat pondering the wild water, a crocodile swam up to him. It offered to take him across the river on its back. The man was wary and asked if he would be safe. “Of course you will be,” said the croc. The man got onto the crocodile and half way across Toothy flipped the man into the river and started to come towards him with his mouth open ready to bite. The man shrieked “What are you doing?” “I am going to eat you,” said the croc. The man cried out “But you said I would be safe!” The croc said “That is what I said, but I am a crocodile!”
?There are no rules of life that dating has managed to circumvent. Regardless of wolf, croc or cute man outfit, when it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Like the man on the river discovered, there really is no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are the lunch. When someone seems too good to be true or is just so perfect, that is the time to take a breath and slow way down. The odds are fairly high, that they are allowing you to see only the safe side of them.
On display for friends and family is the man or women of the year, maybe the decade. With someone as easy to be around as summer, it is easy to become lulled into a false sense of what is safe and what feels right. The act, however convincing cannot be maintained forever. Due to the fact that water really does seek its own level, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain the floor show. Once the curtain begins to fall, what is left is closer to what is real. Maybe.
We all show our best side when we first meet a new person; we may act in ways that are not our true selves. How this has become acceptable? Honesty ranks number one on most people’s list of values they expect in a partner. Our expectation is that what we see is what we are getting and when this doesn’t happen we are dumbfounded. Often we wonder why we didn’t or couldn’t see the truth. It is next to impossible when one is dating an academy award worthy winning actor or actress and we shouldn’t blame ourselves.

As tempting as it might be to don a flowery dress for a first date, when you are a jeans-only kind of girl, don’t. A high proportion of failed relationships are due to the camouflage approach and once the jig is up so is the relationship. In other words, when an onion eventually gets peeled there are usually a lot of tears. It might take longer to find a good match but it is better to be authentic right from the start. Why wouldn’t someone want to relax and have the opportunity to be loved for whom they really are? Makes one wonder doesn’t it?

Darling JD, Boys, and Girls, honesty is the best policy, especially if a long term relationship is in your focus. Even if you don’t know or don’t care where something might go, isn’t it better to be able to be able to smile and not worry about the razor-sharp teeth showing?
Have a naughty day!

A literal girl in a figurative world

2010-04-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Why isn’t there an Easter Chicken? It makes no sense that a bunny leaves candy Easter eggs.
Anna, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Anna,
What makes no sense is thinking that anything of a candy-like nature comes out of either a chicken or a bunny.

Dear Miss Kitty,
Last month my BF’s parents were in town and (without my knowledge) they decided to co-sign a loan for him and he bought a house. I found out when he said he had a surprise he wanted to show me. His new house which just closed a 60 day escrow! It is hard for me to be happy for him since he had promised me for 3 years that we would buy a house together. Now I am wondering if he ever really meant it. This is a big deal to me since I don’t take broken promises lightly. Is breaking a promise the same thing as lying?
C.C., SANTA BARBARA

Dear C,
It is hard to be a literal girl in a figurative world isn’t it? In so many effortless ways we can be in touch with the ones we love. We instant message, text, and even slow down and call once in a while. With all that glorious communication available, it still seems that too much gets lost in translation. In other words, when it comes down to putting your money where your mouth is, too many people use depreciating dollars instead of the gold standard.

Besides carpel tunnel, one of the side effects of an instant-information world is the lost ability to ponder at leisure. To sit back and think, peruse and mull over possibilities before we use our immature emotional megaphones and blurt them out. In the very early days of dating, much gets said (and done) that would be better served by waiting. We tend to forgive such trespass since it is hard to see anything while wearing rose colored glasses. Infatuation is its own defense.
However deep into the job description of a serious relationship, a promise said and heard should be a promise kept. So does a promise become a lie if it is not honored? Although it sounds, looks and feels like the mother of all lies, a broken promise is not the same thing as a lie. Once and for all (since most allow too much wiggle room for this 3- lettered criminal), let us nail down what a lie really is - a known deception made to cover up, avoid or modify the truth.

Although breaking a promise can be a foul thing to do, it isn’t a lie since there wasn’t deceit when the original promise was being made. 50% of all current marriages end in divorce. Do you think half the brides and grooms had a finger crossed behind their back? Should the ceremony include a polygraph test? No, because when those promises were made, there was a sincere intent to love, honor and cherish. Certain golfers not included.

What a broken promise does is trigger the same heart- stopping emotional response as a lie. Betrayal is lemming country. Without warning life as one has known it is running away as fast as it can - right off a cliff. During the descent, the fallout is brutal. Questions come as fast as the cold air rushing up to meet and greet. Of course, the question of lying is at the top of the list. Why wouldn’t it be? There is nothing like a taste of incongruence to make us think the entire buffet might be poisoned.

Darling C, Boys and Girls, although we have clearly identified that a broken promise is not a lie, it takes the same type of emergency CPR (Caring Personal Relating) as if a lie had been told. To revive your relationship via CPR, an upfront Q and A with Mr. Casa Nuevo in required regarding what happened, what is happening and what will happen if a promise is shirked in the future. Remember that four-year-old Easter egg in the back yard? A word to the wise: don’t make a promise lightly- because everything hidden eventually shows up.
Have a naughty day!

Take time as it comes

2010-03-26T17:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Someone I am dating is going to an event. She didn’t invite me to come along, but I thought I might go anyway and surprise her. Is it alright to attend an event if you were not invited?

Kevin, SANTA BARBARA
Dear Kevin,
1%, 2% and even non-fat are all considered “milk”, just in case the word “stalking” escapes you.

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband I have divorced after 20 years of marriage and the kids are out of the nest. Between the two, I find that I cannot get a good feel for time. Not only is there no dinner time, there are no semesters and family vacations. Now that's all gone I find it hard to know where my time is going. Without family activated I feel confused. Is this an aging thing or am I the only one with a time problem?
L.S, MONTECITO

Dear L,
To help us find our place in the world we set imaginary stones in illusory cement in order to find our way. We call it a routine and rituals. When these time markers or rituals are no longer applicable it is often difficult to know where time has gone or how to use it. Without benchmarks, both big and small we can suddenly feel that the world is just too big for us. Like Hansel and Gretel, without any bread crumbs, we feel lost.

During the initial shock of losing a loved one or a relationship, part of the pain is realizing that the markers we have always known and counted on are gone for good. Each week blurs into the next until we realize that the clocks need to go back, or is it forward? Does this mean that we have lost our inner sense of time? Was time as we know it, ever a friend? If time can change, not just actually but conceptually, how can we ever understand it?

Think about what time means to a living organism, and one can see that although time appears to be a human invention, time’s roots clearly belong to Mother Nature. All of our bodily functions are organized by time: Some in hours, some in months, and some in years. The DNA secretary has it all securely filed away and password protected.

Unfortunately the DNA secretary doesn’t work for emotionally driven time frames. The files are just too big and too confusing for anyone to master. Do you remember your first love when time seemed to stand still? Talking for hours and feeling like it was minute? It felt like you had known each other for an eternity and yet it was only weeks. The heady intoxication of love felt like it would last forever and forever. Then bamm! The years flash by just like the Road Runner with Wiley E. Coyote hot on his tail. Where was time standing then? On hot coals of molten lava?
Emotional time frames are not of the same substance as clocked minutes and seconds. Call me Mr. Wizard, but they are somehow loosely connected in a universal time-space. You don't have to channel Einstein to imagine this. When someone asks where your emotional heart is; that is where it exists, in some time and some space. That’s why we feel so lost when we lose the important breadcrumbs.

Darling L, Boys and Girls, take time as it comes in whatever shape it has. Trying to understand how it relates to your own life is an impossible task. Time is an every changing aspect dependent on what we are doing. However, if life’s rituals are grounding and a safety net of sorts, new markers can be made. Remember that breakfast for dinner makes kids really happy, and it isn’t because of the pancakes.
Have a naughty day!

Rats in the laboratory of love

2010-03-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I hate my BF!!!! What should I do? What should I do next?
K. SANTA BARBARA

Dear K,
Take this paper, find a mirror and read what you asked me 13 times to your reflection. If the mirror doesn’t answer you back, dump him.

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have dated many women via on- line dating services. I notice that most write that they need “chemistry” for a relationship to go anywhere. Please explain why this “chemistry” matters so early in the game. For me what happens between the ears is what counts before what happens between the sheets. Being a thinking man, I prefer to think of dating as more like calculus than chemistry.
T.D. Solvang

Dear T.D,
Amidst all the dot-com dating sites, the savvy rub shoulders alongside the newly initiated. The courageous bait the hook, bring in the catch and grapple with the e-harvest. Even with pounds of potential, “chemistry” cannot be truly assessed at this early point. There are so many ways to measure it: Does chemistry ever show up as a dreamy e-mail? Is chemistry the bar when it comes to hopping into another date? Is chemistry an all or nothing proposition? Can it be determined by thinking: “If this man/women kissed me goodnight would I like it or have to run to the bathroom and rinse my mouth out?” Yes, chemistry in the laboratory of e-dating matters, and it is every bit as complex as that high school class with the beakers.
On -line dating is only one way to meet people and truth be told, it doesn’t take much effort. One posts a hopefully well-written profile and picture that is recent and decent. Sometimes one needs to Hemingway said profile or Photoshop said picture if the response is not up to snuff. However, there is no way to gauge the elusive chemistry until face-to-face contact occurs. A profile is only a crafted marketing piece designed as a net - to catch anything that might work. Like the commercial fishing industry, if it isn’t big enough, one can always throw it back.

When we meet a person, in the first few seconds (some claim 6 is the magic number) you can usually feel that sparkly magic. Sometimes, it’s just nervous gas. It does not mean (note to guys here) that your date wants to jump into bed with you. Just that she'd be OK with a kiss. Far more has to happen before most women and some men will feel the level of intimacy that would allow for anything more. This is when when your calculus skills come in handy.

Just in case my readers did not think calculus was worth thinking about (or that anyone who writes fluff would know it) remember that it involves how things change and often it is the rate of change that is critical in a relationship. Too slow and one can miss the fishing boat. Too fast and the fish get scared off. The timing for everyone involved has to feel right before the real magic of love or passion can step in and integrate two differential people into one relationship.
Dating on-line is not easier than when couples met on a dance floor at the high school gym. It is just faster now, and in many ways that makes it harder. We can be so caught up the drama and excitement of it all we forget that the social “niceties” are really a way to take the time to take it all in. Chemistry isn’t always there right away, and sometimes chemistry is standing right behind scared. It sometimes takes a slow reaction for chemistry to feel comfortable enough to come out and play.

Mr. D you've got most of the idea right and you sound like a fine fellow in my book. Take your time and think of dating more like taking a walk through a beautiful garden. Some of the flowers look fantastic but don't have a perfume, others smell great but are not gorgeous to look at and some are just perfect from the get go.

Darling Mr. D, Boys and Girls, there is no simple way to meet the love of your life or equation to make dating fool-proof. One can look for what seems like forever, trying many different mixtures of ingredients and find no one - or unexpectedly and mysteriously the right combination of elements are mixed and someone appears as though presented to you by destiny. Just remember that we are all rats in the laboratory of love, and the process of getting to the final formula should be fun and experienced to the fullest.
Have a Naughty Day!

It takes two to tango

2010-03-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My future mother in law is driving me crazy over the details of my wedding. I am not marrying her so why won’t she leave it alone?
Sandy, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Sandy,
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver, cheap and readily available.

Dear Miss Kitty,
I went on a great date last week. We had a wonderful dinner and ended up talking until 3am! We laughed, listened to each other and honestly, it felt like we had known each other for years. I felt like I was falling in love on the first date. Now she isn’t returning my calls or emails. I really don’t get it and it isn’t the first time. I go on these extraordinary dates and then the woman drops me. Why don’t they want to see me again after such a great time?
David S, SANTA BARBARA

Dear David,
Be it Tinker Toys or Skipper dolls, once upon a time, something had the ability to enthrall us for hours. Long before considering breakfast we would think nothing of building an imposing fort or changing Skipper’s outfit at least twelve times. In fact, stopping to consume a bowl of Cheerios was nothing but a big fat nuisance. No one thinks much about a kid that walks, talks and is living the Sea Monkey dream, but as we grow to some level of maturity we should be able to moderate the intensity that we feel for the Sea Monkeys and the time we want to spend with them. More is not always a good thing.

Although there are plenty of interesting women out there, when someone can go on so many AMAZING dates, they really should shut up shop and head to the tables in Vegas. Because truth be told, the dating odds just aren’t that good. So with a more normal win / loss ratio in mind, couldn’t it be possible that these “extraordinary” dates have more to do with chasing a feeling than chasing a woman? If “they” are not interested in a second date - let alone a phone call - perhaps the pleasure was rather one-sided?

Each time a ritual is repeated the brain makes more and more solid connections between the activity and the pleasure centers. Pleasure centers being part of the brain, not a massage parlor in Ventura! Trust me on this, your brain is not always rationally thinking of your best interests. Once a pattern is set, doing anything other than this now-ingrained pattern of behavior feels wrong, maybe even painful. So when a string of unbelievably fantastic dates turn into enough rope to hang the entire James Gang, perhaps it isn’t “them” - it could be your addiction to love. Be it antique stamps, booze or Skipper dolls; anything that someone needs for the temporary obliteration of reality in exchange for pure pleasure is an addiction.
If we stick with one thing and repeat, repeat and repeat, then the memory of the pleasure associated with the activity is intensified until it becomes an obsession. Caught up in the imagined pleasure of the date, it is impossible to pay attention to the reality of the evening. Being that people tend to be on their best behavior during a first date, it isn’t a surprise that “they” don’t show more than a hint of indifference if not outright surprise that an almost perfect stranger is “falling’ for them. Blinded by Illusory bliss, how could a love addict see that the intense emotions surging around are only swelling within one needy heart?

Although it seems that there is no way around this conundrum the brain can, with some guidance, allow for release from the hold that love addiction has. It is hard to beat the high from the intense feelings generated from the exiting newness and the possibilities of a new person. However, if this high is felt more than a few times in a lifetime (if that) it isn’t really love.

Darling David, Boys and Girls, knowing that perfection has been found on a first date is impossible. Thinking an exquisite relationship could be is in the realms of reality; however is. It really does take two to tango. The way to happiness and contentment is to love the self first and stop looking for love in every face you see. Once you find inner peace, even if it tends to come and go a bit, then you can share your amazing self with another. ‘The One” in a million is you – and once you realize that you are free to find another “The One”.
Have a naughty day!

Baring loss

2010-03-05T17:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating someone for 2 months. Three days ago I left my laptop at his house and when I stopped by later that night to pick it up, he came to the door naked, stunk of wine and wouldn’t let me in. I heard a women’s voice coming from his room. The next day he said it meant nothing and wants me to forgive him. Should I? I thought I loved him… Maybe he was just drunk?
Christina, SANTA BARBARA.

Darling Christina,
In the immortal notes of Beethoven’s 5th, Da, Da Da, Dum.

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend has left me for another girl. He and I were so close. Best friends as well as lovers. I am really angry and cannot stop thinking about the other girl and how I hate her for stealing my boyfriend. How can I get him back?
Diana, MONTECITO

Dear Diana,
Most of us can remember even the little losses of childhood as if it was yesterday. (Let me know if you see a red kool-aid dispenser at a swap meet.) Without a doubt loss is one of the hardest emotions to bare, but it tells us what it means to be human. Loss can be so painful it becomes easier to transfer the feeling into something simpler to experience, like anger. When there is a third party in the mix, it is all too easy to make them the “Boogie Man”, or in this case, the “Boogie Girl”. Although Boogie Girl sounds more like a roller derby star or disco tune from the 70’s, what she becomes is the dumping ground for all the realities that don’t want to be faced, in the face of loss.

Boogey Girl belongs to the present - which means she can never be part of the love and fun that you and your ex shared. What she will get is a new experience, just for her. She can’t have the relationship that you had and she isn’t taking anything from you since what you thought you had, you obviously didn’t. Your ex is not a precious painting in a Museum: vulnerable and attached to a wall, security at the ready and then stolen in the dead of night. He chose to not be with you. His leaving you really had little to do with you or Boogey Girl. It had everything to do with him.

In any relationship, part of the mind becomes attached to not only that relationship, but to the partner as well. It is no wonder that right now you want him back. It is like giving a puppy a treat whenever it comes to you. The puppy soon thinks that coming to you means a treat. Stop giving the treat too soon and the puppy becomes confused and will eat your socks. Hating the other girl is like giving treats to the puppy and keeps the cycle going. You can’t get over it, but you can get through it - and to do so means to change your hatred into positive thoughts about your life.

Although you have intense feelings about this now your mind has the fantastic ability to let these feelings float away, if you let it. You really do not have to do anything except to stop feeding the puppy treats. This may cause some confusion and painful reality but it will be only a temporary result. If you can’t stop thinking about this breakup, try focusing on the good times you had and realize that in growing from this adversity, you will manifest many other times in your life that will be just as good – experienced by yourself and with someone else who is even better.

So Darling Diana, Boys, Girls, and those who think I pontificate; although the desire to have back someone you’ve lost can be intense, what you want back is something that now has only the capacity to be a memory. Stings a bit doesn’t it? Loves lost and lovers lost too soon may only be memories, but memories are ours to keep and to grow from in the present. And no one can take a memory away until we decide to lose it ourselves.
Have a naughty day!

Swimming in the e-dating pool

2010-02-26T17:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am retired over 65 and alone. I have been trying to find a female companion on the internet dating services for nearly two years. I must be doing something wrong because I haven't found anyone for a long term relationship. I think the problem is age. Older women, post menopausal, do not seem interested in sex but most guys I know still want to have this level of intimacy. The women who give a clear message that they want to be intimate are at least 10-20 years younger, in their 50's. They don't want older men as they are worried about being the care giver when we get even older. But the men their age are looking for 30 year olds!! It looks like a Catch 22. Do you see a solution?
“Good Credit but A-loan”...Goleta

Dear Good Credit but A-loan,
As the cowboy said to the bull, “This ain’t my first rodeo!” MK’s inbox has more questions regarding the crazier-by-the-year dating world, then any other topic. Second only to infidelity, modern dating has more facets than the Hope Diamond and just as many scary stories. Cruise titles at the local book shop and it’s obvious that many women, as they get older, drop off the libido cliff. No doubt there are exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking what the libido lacks is made up in travel to exotic lands. (Now you know why cruise ships are so popular).
First of all this isn’t so much an intimacy issue as an education in candor, or rather the lack of it. Complete honesty is not what on-line dating profiles are about. “Holy web-trick Batman!” Yes Robin, e-dating is closer to used car sales than bible study. Think of dating profiles as just the tiny tip of an iceberg - and consider the Titanic while you do so. The real persona is always buried far below the surface.

So if unabashed honesty can’t be relied upon are the e-dating services useful? Yes and no. They are a boon for the very shy or when someone is concentrated in their pursuit of a mate. For most of us in between these extremes the use of the information superhighway is a tremendous way to meet people. However no shopping for side by side burial plots until the sixth date! On-line profiles are most like a trailer for a movie, a little taste that may or may not reflect the flavor of the entire film. Expectations for the feature film are realistically tempered when it’s understood that the trailer is made to grab your attention and get you in the theater.

Truth be told, do we really ever know anyone? The reality is you can’t even begin to know someone until you sit face to face and soul to soul. Even after a lifetime, there will be mysteries that can never be unraveled. Have fun with the creative ad-campaigns in the world of the web, but after the initial attention-grabbing trailer get to know someone the old-fashioned way. Talk. Share stories. Listen. Then you can enjoy the experience while you get to know them – and maybe learn to love them.

Darling A-Loan, Boys and Girls; if you are swimming in the e-dating pool at least play by the few rules that do exist. The most important being, don’t put yourself out there if you are really not interested. Just because your well-meaning friends tell you should date doesn’t mean you should. It isn’t fair to you or anyone that might like to get to know you better. We may be entitled to the pursuit of happiness, but the cherry on the sundae takes more than a little work.
Have a naughty day!

Swimming in the e-dating pool

2010-02-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

Getting him off the couch and out of the house

2010-02-19T17:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am 47 years old and am now in my second marriage. My new husband is very kind and thoughtful but he seems to be quite happy spending every evening sitting in front of the TV until bedtime. He hardly talks, just sits there laughing at the funny parts of the shows. I have asked him if he'd like to do something else but he just mutters and goes on watching. It seems if I don't organize a social life we'll never do anything outside the home. I might as well be home alone! My question, Miss Kitty, is how can I get him to understand that I need to get out and want to do that with him?
Tired of puzzles! Santa Barbara

Dear Puzzles,
Along with lipsticks that don’t stay put, dirty paw prints on new dresses and tax time, there is also the intense frustration that goes along with having a great partner and still feeling lonely. The battle cry from more women than men is they want and need a social life within the confines of marital bliss. Could it be that women are more sensitive to the feeling of nothingness that pervades the evenings if they are not "doing something"? Is the empty feeling a sign of more than transitory discontent? When one is reduced to putting back together perfectly nice pictures that have been cut up into a thousand pieces, maybe it is time for something different.

If loneliness descends along with the darkness, and going out temporarily takes that feeling away, it might only be the desire to add a bit of spice to what has been a fulfilling relationship. Putting a crystal ball to good use, one can see that this malady of a fatigued femme started because men were away chasing the wild beasts while the women were back in the cave chatting while grinding nuts for dinner.

Once home, the men were physically exhausted and all they wanted to do was to sit in front of the fire and eat pieces of dead animals. (Beer came later). The women would have loved to be able to say “let's go down to the river and watch the wooly mammoths”. But NOOOO they couldn't do this because the men wanted to do nothing but dose in front of the fire. The women also had to stay handy since soon the men would want their nightly “sleeping aid”. Now doubly exhausted the men would drop into a somnambulant posture and the woman would lay awake listening for crying kids, feeding them , and maybe catching a short dream called "A beautiful sunset on the River that I will see tomorrow or the next day or the next".

Life has gone on pretty much unchanged after 100,000 years or so. Going out sans husband, with a happy friend or two, is one place to start. A movie, adult education, or even just traipsing though a nearby town can all start putting the zip back into a life gone to Snoozeville. The most important thing here is get back to experiencing life and stop waiting for “Ug”. If Ug notices you going, smile and say that you'll be back in time for bed and “have a nice evening”. Word to the wise, even if you are feeling a bit peevish from the years or months of neglect, come home on the agreed upon time.

Venturing forth on your own is the only way to remedy the situation. Rule number one: discussing this will get you nowhere. If he really understood he would have already noticed that while he was watching “faux life in a box”, you were pacing like a hungry lioness salivating from social frustration.

Making changes to the status quo is a great way to get his attention - just resist explaining why you went out. Remember rule number one? Just be as loving as usual and kiss him a fond goodnight. Don’t put your pink highlighter away just yet; this is only part of the equation. Next you are going to get him to ask to go out with you, without the friends in tow. It will take repeating the going out part at least five times before he thinks of initiating leaving the cave, all by himself.

Darling Puzzles, Boys and Girls; Man is stuck with a worm-hole size lack of knowledge about himself until he is willing to learn beyond the obvious effects of his actions (or lack of them). Then new thought patterns can be established and behavior can change with time. It is true. Thought patterns of fun with The Mrs. can co-exist with the oh-so-well defined male provider patterns from time immemorial.
Have a naughty day!

Speak up for cupid’s sake

2010-02-12T17:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
For my entire 39 year marriage I told my husband that Valentine’s Day wasn’t important to me. Well, he took me at my word. My husband isn’t here anymore and one of things I wish that I had done differently is let him know that romance was something that I really liked. At the time it seemed more important to save the money and not put my husband out, but perhaps he also lost out on the good feeling that comes with making someone else happy. I just wanted to share my thoughts and thought this might be a good topic for your column. Thank you for listening.
C.V. SANTA BARBARA

Dear C,
As a student of love I frequently take the beast, tie it to a table and under the harsh glare of focused intensity dissect it down to manageable components. While under the scrutiny of single minded inspection, love - like death - becomes one of the few things that will continually vacillate between the purest of simple concepts and the multicolored tangle that is utter confusion. Is it possible to fully comprehend love? Can one ever know what love feels like for another? Like a fluffy white rabbit hiding in a top hat, can romance disappear without a magic trick to tempt it forth? Whatever love claims, it doesn’t pretend to be other than what it is: the greatest opportunity for human expression possible.

It is easy to trivialize our romantic needs in favor of the practicalities of life. We all know we do it far too often. That is why it takes a red letter day, like Valentine’s to remember to stop and feel the lace. The commonsensical can also confuse us into denying the pleasure that comes from doing something for someone loved. Pleasure is always felt more keenly by the giver than the receiver, and yet we hasten to lighten the load that our fragile desires might place upon another. Ever notice a kid’s face when presenting a mud pie? Enough said.

When we dampen our awareness of what feeds us in the name of “real life” we do a disservice to the deepest realms of our child-like psyche. The indispensible often overlooked part of us that needs to play and be playful. For romance is just another word for playtime.

I often write of saying yes when we mean no and why it is so important to find our real voice to say when we really mean. But as much as we need to learn the joy in being authentic when we don’t want to do something, it is equally important to acknowledge the opposite. Saying no to a moon light walk, a pink donut covered with silver sprinkles or a romantic little something is like telling a child “no” to a secretly coveted red balloon. The innocent inside of us will think about the balloon that never was long after the once a year balloon seller has left the building.

Heartfelt abandon is anything but practical. But who is to say that unabashed happiness isn’t practical? When the act of smiling into the mirror first thing in the morning truly influences the next 23 hours, the practical application of a most awesome power comes to mind. This is our choice and capacity to direct our future thoughts and actions toward those we love - and therefore change the outcome of what could be.

Darling C, Boys and Girls; this is your homework to be completed over the next couple of days: First thing in the morning, smile at yourself in the mirror. Next take fifteen minutes to stop and really feel the love you feel for someone. There is no need to think, just let the feeling sink in and enjoy the ride. Lastly, if there is something that you really want, something that makes you feel loved the way you want to be loved, speak up for cupid’s sake and say so.
Have a naughty day!

Unfulfilled Promises

2010-02-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
If someone says they will do something, and they don’t, is it because they never wanted to in the first place? All I can think is that this is the case with my husband. He frequently says he will do something, and then doesn’t. He always has a logical reason, forgot, works, etc. Maybe I am just being too harsh, since he is a really good guy, but it is frustrating. What can I do to make him follow through on his words?
Sarah, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Sarah,
As Valentine’s draws ever closer I would suggest that you banish the word “make” from your vocabulary pronto. Using Hallmark as a reasonable guide for what we can and can’t do, there is no line of cards presently available that use entreat or appeal, let alone implore, as a theme. Even hidden among cards that sing and cards that make ones stomach acid churn faster than a three day old burrito, the S and M division of Hallmark has yet to be created. And with good reason: both covert coercion and upfront demands will both eventually be rendered useless. No one can really make anyone do anything, Alfred Hitchcock movies aside.
So if we can’t get anywhere making someone else behave is there nothing left to do but put a cigarette in a long ebony holder and indulge in a morose but pouty posture hoping for a close up? Could such theatricals elicit a useful response? Health concerns aside, no one is likely to do anything except bring you a cocktail circa 1930 and let you get on with it. If you want to be alone, this foray into the pout zone will guarantee it.

So how can we make good decisions in our present moments if we are doing so without a leading man or women holding our hand, when we want them to? Let alone taking the garbage out into the sunset? Sometime looking backwards is the fastest way to go forward. Fast forward that is. When someone makes agreements and promises, casual or otherwise and consistently breaks them, the pattern is set. Like going around a board (or shall we say bored game) that is no longer fun to play. Regardless of the issue, forgetfulness, lack of time or some other innocuous reason, the reality is that someone is saying yes when they mean no, or more likely when they don’t know what they mean.

Although sometimes charged with being an unforgiving feline, pattern behavior is an easy to read sign, like STOP and GO. There is never any doubt that there is a problem lurking underneath that easily said but never completed “yes”. As any horror movie buff knows, something hidden will eventually raise its frightening head and bite the nether regions.

A quickie response that isn’t entirely true doesn’t leave anyone lingering in happiness for long. A quickie yes, is never as good as a long, thought out “Certainly”. Taking one’s sweet time to answer even a simple request is the antidote to apathetic affirmations. Another remedy is making sure that the occasional “No’s” are heard with a red-carpet-worthy smile and no hidden animosity. Part and parcel of saying yes when one means no, is the fear that a straightforward, “No”, will not be accepted. The most effective way to get a real yes, that can be followed though with action, is cultivating a safe place for “No’s”.

Darling Sarah, Boys and Girls: if expectations are premeditated disappointments, then unfulfilled promises are what are better off being left on the cutting room floor. The pictures that are our lives are better off without all the images that disappointment and lack of faith conjure up. Therefore, try rewriting the script to better serve the entire cast - and maybe you and yours will win the Oscar of Love.
Have a naughty day!

Sole Searching

2010-01-29T14:22:00.000-08:00

Dear MK,
My husband and I go on an annual fishing trip every spring. This year, I told him I don’t want to go. He says I am being selfish. So I ask you, am I being selfish when I have gone on this trip for the last 26 years? He says (but not true) this is the only thing he ever asks for and I should go. Even though you are probably laughing if you think I am being selfish write and tell me.
Karen T, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Karen,
There is an ancient and highly arcane set of rules for advice columnist that says, under penalty of public stoning, we may not interfere between husbands and wives. Directly that is. This code is sacrosanct unless bribes are delivered in the form of custard donuts under cloak of darkness. So, being that not even the sugar twisted kind arrived with your mail, I am honor-bound to stay well within the bounds of non-interference - within reason. As usual my method is to shed a light on the not-so-obvious and let you be the judge of your own conscience.
The word selfish comes to us from an antiquated fable passed down from God knows when. When once upon a time there was a village of fisherman (isn’t that a coincidence!) that not only watched each other’s fish, they watched each other’s backs. Each fisherman set out in the early hours of dawn, alone, and fished the endless sea until nightfall when he returned home. Then each hunter of the deep would cast all of his catch into a great big basket and the entire village would choose from the abundant plenty or the pitiful lack, depending on the day. No matter what, everyone always had something to eat.

One day, as Herman (one of the fisherman) sat in his boat, pulling in a great catch he decided he wouldn’t go back to the village that night. Instead he would take his haul to another village up the coast and sell it. Herman sold all but a single fish and then later that night, after lying that he became lost in the fog, threw the one fish into the basket. It was the only fish that night.

For the first time ever, the village went to bed hungry and Herman went to bed rich and feeling bad about himself. Early the next morning while the fishermen were out at sea, a traveler entered the village. He was still raving about the amazing feast that was had just a few miles up the coast - just last night. One of the wise women of the village gently asked the traveler a few but crucial questions.
That evening, as the boats came in from the sea, whispers were heard. Children told children. Wives told husbands and the story was told. He sells fish. Nothing more needed to be said. Nothing more ever was.

Darling Karen, Boys and Girls, besides learning the origin of the word selfish, the moral is loud and clear. Without a conversation changing a long awaited and anticipated adventure could feel like a sell fish, or as it has come down to us through the ages, a selfish gesture. There is a great, albeit unspoken delight and security in what are our family rituals. That being said, the individual has rights beyond the family expectations. As long as the change in plans is discussed and your desire to skip the tedious trawling is more than reasonable. 26 years of bait and tackle may just have earned you a rest up the lazy river. When sole (sorry, couldn’t resist) searching if the motive to not go is really simple, than all is well and maybe next year. On the other hand, if not wanting to go is really payback for Hubbie’s lack of interest in your interests….well that is altogether another column for another day.
Have a naughty day!

Worth the Risk

2010-01-22T14:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a woman whose company I really enjoy. I would like to know her intention regarding a possible intimate relationship, but don’t want to scare her off. On the other hand, I would be perfectly content just being friends. I like to be upfront - so should I say something and if so, when would be a good time? Or should I just leave it alone?
S. L, GOLETA

Dear S,
When humans discovered fire, they no doubt experienced all the characteristics of fire within a very short time frame: bright, warm, hot, very hot, combustion and ouch. They quickly learned fires nature was both warm and soothing along with dangerous and deadly. Fire, handled without care, can really hurt, even accidentally. Apparently not much has changed in the last million years since we still have not learned to judge heat without taking a risk. So how fast can you turn temperate to scorching without getting singed? Should a potential lover be put on the back burner, just in case the friendship melts in the heat of the moment? Is it worth the risk of losing a cool friend to look for a hot lover?

Cultivating a friendship with someone who under some circumstances might become an intimate relationship can be tricky. The potential interest might have all the possible attributes to be an exciting and interesting friend but could also have the desired components of a splendid lover. The hard reality is that often you can't have both at the same time, so in a situation where the possibility is merging with the potential, at what point can you take Que Sara Sara to the bank? Because we all know, if there is too much heat before establishing the friendship, the friendship will flicker and extinguish itself. Poof!

History is a constant reminder that it really has all been done before. And that is a good thing because we can lean from the past to prop up our present when we need it. Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC) wrote on the aspect of Friendship: "We put the cart before the horse, and shut the stable door when the steed is stolen, in defiance of the old proverb." In other words, “The order in which we choose to structure a relationship is a huge component in the eventual desired outcome”. Miss Kitty (1963 AD - ). Nothing is as random as it seems - especially when it comes to relationships.

Therefore a conversation, a gentle one, without expectations is definitely in order. A heads up here for the “what’s on the lung is on the tongue” folks - there is no need to mention marriage and or other living arrangements, even if such fantasies are whirling through your head. That is just too much information for the present and will scare most people off. The main purpose in testing the waters at this point is that waiting too long for some splendor in the grass, and the Potential Princess or Prince Charming might become confused and seek romantic solace elsewhere. What a conundrum, since if one allows the friendship to take as much time as it takes to mature and spark serious meaning, a friendship might be all that smolders.

Not that there is anything amiss with a having a good platonic friend. A great friendship is far more complex than a tumble that goes nowhere. It takes common interests, common or compatible beliefs, and real in depth appreciation of the friends life style, and the mutual ability to let small differences not get in the way of the friendship. In fact, that last little gem is actually one of the secrets of a long-burning and lusty love.

Contrary to popular belief, we have grown beyond some of the differences between the sexes. The ideas that men want sex in order to become "friends" and women want to be a friend first then sex later are passé. Once upon a time this idea had deep roots in our human development. But if we can pretend that Tofu can taste like chicken, we can purport that the rules of engagement have been evened out in the last 30 or so years.

Darling S, Boys and Girls, like spontaneous combustion, it can take only a quick moment to find a great lover - but it can take a lifetime to find a great friend. It is easy to confuse the two as often we see in one what we want for the other. That being said, a good friend usually can hear and see with a clarity that a love-only interest can’t even begin to. Therefore, it is worth the risk to venture forth with a kiss on your mind and honest words on your tongue. Not the other way around!
Have a naughty day!

Dating Later in Life

2010-01-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been unable to find anyone who I'd like to have around me for long. It seems like everyone has so much going on already, they don’t want to make the time – the quiet time to really get to know someone. I haven't given up, but as time goes on I am getting less optimistic of finding anyone to love again. I am widowed and maybe I just need to accept that I was lucky enough to find love once and be grateful for that. Maybe the youthful feelings of love unfortunately belong to the young and that's how it is. Do you think mating for old folks is an unnatural act as there is no real purpose from an evolutionary position?? Not to mention, there are complications that were never an issue 50 years ago! Like kids, grandkids, 2 homes and so much stuff! I bet you know a lot of interesting women. Any chance you know an interesting women, 65 and older that is willing to make time to have a relationship?
D.S, Santa Barbara

Dear D,
After a relationship ends (for any reason), the parts that we didn't enjoy (for any reason) become aspects that we now fiercely protect. If a romance made it to an anniversary of consequence - something of very serious value - compromise had to be the foundation it was built upon. After a lifetime of making choices to please or to make living livable, the structure that is now self-imposed can be to our determent. As crucial as boundaries are to keeping the self on a healthy track, too many rules and requirements limit finding love, at all ages.
When people are young, they are willing to try and keep trying. Be it naiveté, hope or a short attention span, they have greater flexibility in what they want, need and are willing to experience. There is less baggage to deal with since the young haven’t had time to accumulate all the things that stick to us as we travel through life.

There are going to be issues that confront someone dating later in life, which are different from the dating contrempts of the early years. As one gets older the hormones that control the lusty side of our love life diminish and with it a lot of the drive that pushes even unsatisfactory souls together. Since that force (regardless of Viagra) is not what it once was, what is left is the strong feelings that make us not want to be alone. The feeling of being wanted, of being cherished and most of all a feeling of being of value to someone in this life. This is not a curse but an incredible blessing. Without the hormone mafia calling the shots, one can want to be with someone just because it feels great to do so, and not because Vinnie Testosterone makes us an offer we can’t refuse.

Wanting to be with someone without the sexual aspect being paramount, opens up wonderful aspects that could never happen when one is chasing or being chased based on lust alone. When a relationship can reconcile the physical to a lesser level of importance, the choice of partners can be far clearer than most people ever experience. At any time, if one can think with a healthy self and the emotions to match, instead of being swept up and into make-believe-romance-based-on-lust-ville one can save a whole lot of heartache and wasted time. How refreshing to be able to feel for someone without being worked like a human chemistry set.

Darling D, Boys and Girls, when we are older we look for experience to keep us safer, but at the expense of possibilities. If two people are both very locked into protecting the way in which they want to live their life because that way has been denied, it is likely that protecting their individualism has become of more value than the compromising that is a relationship. All the stuff that a fully lived life acquires - like children, grandchildren, property and enough furniture to decorate a hotel - are excuses. Everything can be worked out and organized - and besides, it is easier to put things away with four hands.
Have a naughty day!

How long should I wait?

2010-01-08T14:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I recently broke up with my BF of 4 years and am ready to date. I have been advised that I should wait a while. So what is a reasonable time to wait and if I want to date now, why shouldn’t I?
Kelly B, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Kelly,
Like the IRS, dating has rules and yes, there are strict penalties for coloring out-side the lines. However, unlike dealing with the government, dating rules are set by the self and are subject to change without a congressional hearing and a 10,000 page document that no one will ever read. So why would someone decide to hold off on a nice cold glass of water after a long dry spell? Is there wisdom in just saying no? Is there something or nothing to the saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”?

A gentle but clarity filled audit of the past relationship is the first place to start. If one was the leaver, one is usually better equipped emotionally to date sooner than later. Reason being, that by the time one is ready to leave a relationship, the actual relationship has been long filed under finished. For a relationship to reach this status it means that a hearty portion of soul searching has been chewed over for quite some time and the enviable outcome has been well digested. It is rare that a decision to end a relationship of some length ever happens without considerable contemplation in the situation room, with or without a panel of “experts” throwing in their two cents.

Hopefully, during the internal process of processing just why a relationship is no longer serving its occupants, one takes much more than a moment to understand why the end is near. Leaving a relationship is not so much about the other person not taking care of our needs, but the recognition that our needs, once we have defined them, have no possibility of being met. It sounds like the same thing, but it isn’t. Chocolate and Strawberry are both ice cream, but they don’t taste the same do they?

Usually, someone is truly doing the best that they can in a relationship. The best for wherever it is they are in life’s game of live and learn. If they had the emotional ability to do any better, they would, since we all strive for happiness, contentment and peace.

So, if the leaver has done substantial work on the self and is ready in terms of knowing why they left, what they left for and are clear about what was learned from the experience, then bring on those reservations for two! That being said, there will be a lot of reservations of the worst kind if the leaver is trying to fix what was wrong in the last rodeo or is starving for love and or attention.
Darling Kelly, Boys and Girls, to be a desirable member of Club Date, one should have a minimum of relationship baggage and be fairly close to the plug and play ideal. Even over the best lasagna in the world, no one wants to hear about evil-man or women and the hell of the last 4 years.

Leaves need to take a lot of time before they venture forth. They must make sure they are whole, sound and feeling really good and not one bit fragile. Dating is not the time to play fake it until you make it. Being dumped doesn’t feel good, even if in the long run the benefit is like being released from a prison that looked like Disneyland in the 60’s.. Knowing the right time to date is very personal. Really ready to date feels like this: You feel very good about yourself, the past isn’t causing anything in the way of a deadly-strong emotional pull, and you feel excited to journey into the unknown, once again.

Have a naughty day!

Giving, getting, and getting it right

2009-12-18T14:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been going out with my BF for a little over a year. We have a great relationship, talk about the future and he acts like he loves me, but he has never said the magic words. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and all I really want is for him to say, “I love you.” It may sound weird, but it is true and really what I want. I think he wants to but I wonder if I am setting myself here?
S.L, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Waiting:
When Christmas morning rolls around wouldn’t be amazing if under the fragrant tree, there was a pile of beautifully wrapped, empty boxes? Silky ribbons lavishly tied around them, they contain the invisible, but vitally important presents that really matter to us. Detailed instructions included of course, to make sure we understand both the value and the implied messages that are inherent in such precious gifts. Discover the tangible manifestations of what we need - alongside the harder-to-pin-down aspects of our ethereal wants.

Put “truth”, that most magnificent of all treasures right on the top of the pile, with all the tricky little accessories that come with it. The multitude of small parts that are so easy to lose, but necessary if the complex gift is going to work at full, honest capacity. If you are giving this priceless gift, you will need to purchase a guarantee- a lifetime guarantee which covers parts and labor. Lots of labor, for it is a labor of love to maintain this valuable bequest, and keep track of those tiny little pieces that don’t always seem important until you find one of them missing.

The next box, wrapped up in silver paper with a deep blue velvet bow, just screaming, “Open me first!” is “Time” The simple pleasure of more than a moment and less than a lifetime; the freeing satisfaction of having someone else do something special, just for you. When Miss K was a mere credit card-less kitten, scribbling away making homemade coupons for cups of tea and car washes, she never knew the value of what she was giving away. Now a grown up and perpetually busy cat, the idea of truly free time – time that is all yours - is on par with zero calorie cinnamon rolls. It’s always treasured to give of yourself, even if your tea-making skills would get you fired at the local Starbucks.

Wrapped in the most exquisite of wrappings, but of course the most difficult box to open, is “I love you.” The ultimate gift of no return and no exchange. You are not only giving of yourself, but making a commitment of never-ending work. This is the best sort of work – a true labor of love, but should never be given or taken duress.

This Lego like castle- of- love has endless pieces, instructions that are sometimes indecipherable and pending revision on most days. When the castle gets stepped on by life, it takes time and energy to put it back together again. When combined with the gift of truth and an unwavering commitment, sometimes the rebuild is even better and stronger than the original.

So darling Boys, Girls and S.L, when shopping this holiday season, think about what your giving, not what you are getting. Head to the mall of the ultimate gifts - where price is no object and the payment plans are always reasonable. You can wrap up some truth, throw in some time and know that your gift is not only as good as it gets, but the recipient will think it is even more precious and treasured than you could have ever imagined.
Have a naughty day!

To tie the knot or not?

2009-12-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiance and I have a wedding planned for Christmas Eve. This past weekend he told me that when we first started dating, when he was away on a business trip, he had a one-night stand with a women he met on the plane. He says he wanted to come clean before we tie the knot. We have been dating for 4 years and I don't know why he waited until now to tell me. I also don't know whether I am relieved he was honest or @#$%# mad he ever had a one-night stand and didn't tell me!
C.S, SANTA BARBARA

Dear CS,
Any sailor or mountain climber can tell you there are as many knots as there are situations, so exactly what not-so-obvious “knot” do you think your fiance is interested in tying? The always popular, already- paid-for -the- caterer-just-let-it-go-knot? The better-to-ask-for-forgiveness-than-permission knot? There somewhat smug I -told -the- truth -and-I-didn't-have-to-so-you-can't-be-mad knot? Just why and when someone chooses to divulge a transgression usually has more to do with what they stand to loose if they don't confess, than doing the right thing. Right Tiger?

Speaking of doing the right thing, just when was this infringement conducted in terms of the relationship? If Mr. Business class was technically still a free wheeling man about town, in other words you didn't have the going steady agreement, it doesn't really matter what he did. No mutually agreed upon contract means both of you were free to peruse any indulgence you fancied. On the other side of the green, maybe you did have “the talk” and the real issue isn't so much the timing of the tell -all but the content of the confession.

If the offense was on “company time” meaning yours, not only did he transgress during travel, but kept information that had a bearing on your relationship in order to keep the relationship. For years. Regardless of the reasons why, the most likely being fear of losing you, it wasn't right than and it opens up just what kind of values he lives by. Every day values are the most critical component of a marriage. With this structure firmly in place a marriage can far exceed the expected projection of a 50/50 success rate. Without out it, you do the math.

If during the relationship retrospective it turns out that Mr. Come Fly with Me was really a free agent his bringing up the breach is still open season for rumination. Did he think that taking the truth plunge was really for your benefit? Please! As hard to swallow as stale wedding cake, when someone takes the plunge to come clean, without provocation, their honesty does not trump the transgression. Optional disclosure is neither a new band or a free pass to paradise. Optional disclosure is most like fishing with Cantonese steamed dumplings for bait. No data as of yet and there are no points for creativity.

Darling Boys, Girls and CS, believe it or not, many a bride or groom has been a no-show on the guest list at their own wedding. There is also no shame in putting everything including the ice, on ice until one feels completely comfortable with such an important life commitment. It may take longer than the next three weeks, maybe as long as a flight from here to the moon. The upcoming wedding should not weight into your decision what-so-ever. All that does matters is that you, without any doubt feel good about YOUR decision to marry or not marry based on the latest and greatest of news flashes and how you choose to resolve it.
Have a naughty day!

Brain washing or true love?

2009-11-14T17:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I asked my mom how do you know if it is true love or if you are being brain washed? She said you would know.
Mira, SANTA BARBARA (age 13)

Dear Mira,
You know the immediate feeling of intense joy that follows the first lick on the face from a new puppy? As sweet as that wet kiss may be, it is nothing compared to the depth of love from an old and trusted dog. It’s not that we love the puppy any less, but puppy love has not had the opportunity to deepen beyond the excitement of the new and the euphoria of incredible cuteness. Real love takes time to grow - and it grows best in an emotionally mature place where the fence is just the right height.

A puppy is not capable of brain washing anyone, although the term “puppy dog eyes” would certainly make someone think so. No, a puppy's charms work their magic without the aid of any voodoo tricks. People, however, have the potential to as you say, “a bit of brain washing”. Once in a while, someone is a professional at this craft. Google “Gold digger” and “Gigolo” and then make sure you never can fit the description and if you meet someone that does, run away very fast. Using someone by pretending to like them or love them is one step away from brainwashing and possibly illegal in some states.

Although someone else can appear to put a brain though the rinse cycle and spin it, the real soaking is done by the “under-dog” herself. And that concept, as crazy as it may sound, is a wonderful thing to learn at 13. If you can really understand it and then live it, no one will ever stand a chance at “training” you the wrong way.
True love can be recognized by giving that possibly special someone the chance to be just that: true to you. Being true to someone takes time and a lot of work, and most of the work, isn't within the relationship. It is work on the self. So, before you can take puppy love to the next step you have to train yourself to know what is right and what is not for you. When you automatically know to listen to yourself (sit) and believe what you hear (stay) “The Washers” will never get a chance to load your brain with anything.

Love is not only a many-splendored thing, but something that continues to change as we change. What doesn't change (and is rule number one in Miss Kitty's Guide to Life and Love), is that the definition of love is defined by the receiver, not the giver. If love isn't received as we wish it, it will never feel quite right. This not-quite-right-feeling is a tip that perhaps the relationship isn't the one of your dreams.

Darling Mira, Boys and Girls, we all have the capacity and the intuition to know if it is brain washing or true love. We can only gauge the feelings correctly if we are willing to know ourselves really well and then accept that those little feelings of unease are our silver bullet. Just in case the cute little puppy is really a werewolf.
Have a naughty day!

Norma Jean, Marilyn Monroe, and No One Special

2009-11-06T17:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Last night I had a dream that my boyfriend was flirting with Marilyn Monroe and even though I tried I couldn't do anything to get his attention. I just moved out on my own - and based on the dream I suppose I am afraid of losing his attention now that I am not around him as much as I was. I'm usually a very confident person, but what can I do when I'm jealous of something that doesn't even exist?
Dreaming and Confused

Dear Dreaming,
When it comes to the internal struggle between fantasy and reality it is hard to know what side our psyche is pitching for. Exuding a heady combination of confidence and clarity we strut our stuff by day while at night even a peek-a-boo baby doll is no match for a phantom Norma Jean. Is self-confidence as much a specter as the eternal bombshell? Is dreamy insecurity really a comfortable blanket in which to cling to? Could we really know much more about ourselves than we actually allow ourselves to claim?

There is a well known cliché that if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear the sound - was a sound ever made? There is a well known cliché in the world of MK that if a partner falls and you are not around to hear it - they still fell! Actual observation of the fall, regardless of what the falling was over, happened. Even if you don't know it, they do - and sometimes that is enough. It is reasonable to have concern about a partner's activity when they are deep in the forest, without you.

That being said, we have zero direct control over other people (and minimal control over our own zany dreams). What we do have control over is choosing to be with someone that has a similar, if not the same, values system as ourselves. That crucial network of well thought out life choices and boundaries should be in place and understood by all, at all times. A system based on strong and unwavering values is a reliable and trustworthy system - and just the safety-net one needs when making changes to themselves or to the relationship (such as moving out and on to greater independence).

Darling Boys and Girls and Dreaming, think of it as a "code of conduct insurance policy". Taking the time to formulate and write a bullet-proof mutual-of-values relationship policy may take more work than you think. It may need yearly amendments and riders covering scary potential disasters, and it requires regular maintenance via heartfelt communication. Putting such a policy in place is never easy, and both partners agreeing to it will pay the price of hard work and uncomfortable honesty in putting it together. Most couples with the immediate "I want it now" gratification-based way of relating will find it to be not worth the hassle. But for those in it for the long haul, it will be worth every hard-earned penny.
Have a naughty day!

Haunted and Haunting

2009-10-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

Darling Boys and Girls,
In the spirit of Halloween, when we willingly shun the everyday and venture in the unknown without trepidation or fear perhaps you have the courage for a true horror story.

The wind was howling and the lights flickered as the power threatened to go out. Eventually it did, but she lit a dusty old candle which sparked and then settled down. She looked around to get her bearings in the haunting silence. Chilled to the very bones that she called home, she laid out her life and called to the spirits that on this one very special night -might just answer her pleas. She called to the night that she would do anything if someone would answer her. Maybe even save her. A dark presence entered the room, now bathed in shadow,and a disembodied voice that was far from human, began to speak.

“Everyone has haunted rooms in the mansion they call their mind. Everyone has ghosts from the past and ghosts yet to be born. The dark spirits that haunt our present, appear as fathom- less opportunists of lost moments gone horribly wrong. When the repressed screams of nightmares and gut-wrenching visions sustained through out the day can no longer be contained, the evil that is good gone wrong, can finally be vanquished. Peace is possible.”

The fragile flame was no match for the eerie wind that without warning blew through the room and plunged the already dimly lit space into utter blackness. The spirit had gone. It had said all that was needed. As she sat in gloomy quiet the absolute certainty of the chilling words slowly sank down into the once brilliant dwelling of her consciousness, before it had become dank with secrets and littered with regrets. The truth, that the sector of pain and torment that resided in her thoughts, that had laid claim to her very soul, would be there forever, unless she would set them free. There was nothing to do but faced the concealed demons and bring down without remorse, the nebulous hellions that accumulate without notice.

The mystic night had presented a rare gift from the unseen and all knowing world that lives in parallel with ours. Priceless knowledge is rarely given and the spirit that gave the gift expected it to be used well. In fact the agreed upon price was very fair. Knowledge in exchange for action. For the spirit she had summoned could move to the next realm of truth, if one human would change their personal destiny when given the key to true happiness -the ultimate release from self torment in it's myriad forms.

As she sat, in sober reflection, but without belief, a single blood red thread of fear and doubt snaked it's way around her throat. Her hands rose up to release the little thread which was slowly choking off her ability to call out for help. She struggled for her last breath, but the thread tightened it's grip and the dim light faded to nothingness. She died as she had lived, in silent fear and great remorse.
Have a naughty Halloween.

Shacking up and shaken down

2009-10-23T16:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I moved in together a few months ago and now although I still love him, I think it was too soon to set up house together. We are both in our early 20’s. Do you think the relationship will survive if we go back to dating and living apart?
Betty R.

When it comes to relationships, sometimes an adjustment works and sometimes it is just putting off the inevitable. The real question is how to determine which is which? When we find ourselves feeling that our relationship choices (either the actual person or the current living configuration) aren’t working, does it mean that what we have- isn’t really what we wanted? When we jumped too far, too fast, can we go back to the beginning and try something different? Truth is always stranger than fiction, so could incompatibility really be a lucky break that allows the dodging of a future bullet like a get-away-car just outside the Chapel of Love?

Just because matching towels look cute and painting a room together can turn into a steamy scene in an R- rated movie, doesn’t mean living together is going to be an accurate test of a relationship’s future potential - and therefore living together is nothing to undertake lightly. Living together is not dating 24-7! Dating means seeing each other when it is convenient with all parties, and generally there is prior notice. Every part of life goes on hold while the date is on. Nice work if you can get it! Living together means you are available most of the time and real life never goes on hold. Part and parcel of living together is realizing the reality is it is what it is and it is pretty good most of the time.

Living with someone, married or not, takes more than just a desire to be together. It takes a sophisticated level of maturity on many levels. It means a lot of wholehearted compromise and adjustment. Depending on where you are in your life, priorities are something that need to be accurately clarified up front. Are you a night owl that needs a constant supply of night life? Is your book-worm partner really alright with that? The basics that come into play when living with someone are bound to rear up and want some attention as well. It is the nature of the beast. Little old things like bills, groceries, and laundry are going to push hot dates, lazy mornings and that devil-may-care attitude right out the window.

Does that mean that once you live together, fun is only for New Year’s Eve and every other birthday? Of course not! But it does mean that life now entails more than just a moment to moment existence which is all about fun. With all of that in the mix it isn’t surprising that shacking up shakes things up faster than a bartender making a drink for 007!

Darling Betty, and Boys and Girls, except for a few roller coasters, nothing comes to mind that goes backwards. Like the rising and setting of the sun, there are natural orders and that must be observed. Whether we like it or not, life moves in a forward progression. We flow in and out of experiences to benefit our continued understanding of the human experience.

There is everything right with making adjustments. We really need to be more comfortable and aware of correcting as we go along instead of waiting until a crisis forces us to change. Change made for crisis alone is impossible to sustain. Betty, moving apart generally doesn’t bring anyone closer - and before you take that step, know that it is never too late to talk things out and see what will make both of you happy in the short and long run.

Have a naughty day!

Cutting onions and taking chances

2009-10-16T16:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, since I was 19. Nothing is really wrong with us, I just think I need to experience a bit more of life before I settle down. The thing is I am scared I am making a mistake by moving on since he really is a great guy, but on the other hand, I don’t want to get 10 years down the road with any regrets. How can you decide without making a mistake?
Lisette

Dear Lisette,
When preparing an onion for cooking, you can have a variety of experiences. You can just lay into the fragrant orb, cleaver-a-whirling and depending on the onion, cry a little or cry a lot. You can chill the many layered veggie to reduce the possibility of its eye smarting noxious fumes, or you can buy it pre-chopped and frozen and escape the possibilities of tears altogether (good-bye connecting with your potential culinary genius). The most important thing to note is that regardless of what you do, there are more possibilities than you could ever have imagined in terms of the actual experience, but in the end, experience and tissues aside, you end up with a mound of chopped, diced or sliced onion.

When deciding on life’s various paths, we walk the walk of the onion, not the onion chopper. For the onion is unlimited in its layer upon layer of translucent possibilities. Gently and slowly peeled, abruptly severed to get to the next step as quickly as possible, or growing right out of the cooking pot and into a healthy little plant waving in the wind.

There are no rights or wrongs here, just different choices. The part of the choice that keeps you grounded and lets you know that - although difficult or fraught with feelings - it is the correct one for you, is when you take the time to feel and sit with your decision, whatever it is. Making decisions based on the possibilities for the future is sensible when it comes to investing in the stock market, but makes little sense when it comes to emotional investments. You can only really know without-a-doubt where you are and how you feel today, in the present moment after much self-reflection.

Darling Lisette, Boys and Girls, being in a place where you are wrestling with a decision based on the possibility that you will miss out on something that has yet to be, is a good indication that change is imminent in one form or another. How you choose to conduct yourself in regards to your personal behavior is as important as the actual decision itself. Maybe more so. There is no need to know all the answers before you proceed and that's a good thing-since you can never have the whole enchilada anyway. Let the events unfold like peeling layers of an onion as you gently find your way toward resolution. Remember that with change always come strong feelings that, although uncomfortable, you are better off really experiencing – instead of chilling them or hiding under packaging so as not to feel them deeply and fearfully avoid the inevitable tears. Food for thought?

There are countless decisions that can be rescinded upon reflection and review and there is nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake. In the course of searching for something better-we try on clothes, relationships and governments-to see if they fit. Sometimes change works and sometimes it doesn't. Rarely does the glass slipper fit the first time.
Have a naughty day!

Looking and the 20 second rule

2009-10-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My girlfriend says it is really rude that I look at other women. She says that I am being disrespectful of her. I told her I love her and guys just look at attractive women. That is how it is, it has always been that way and basically we can't help it. She reads your column so could you tell her that it is normal and not to worry about it. Thanks.
Jeff, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Jeff,
Of course I will tell her that a man looking at women is normal and that you “just can't help it”. Are there any other things that you would like me to lie to her about while I’m at it? Since I already feel the flames of hell licking at my high heels for pretending to defend you, shall I also tell her that you are the man of her dreams and she should bow, scrape and be eternally grateful for having such a highly educated man in her life? By the way Jeff, since we have left planet earth and are entirely in the realm of fantasy, let me enlighten you on a few of the myths that thrive in the manure-laden pastures of common thought…

It is a universally held belief that boys will be boys and look at girls. When boys are boys and not attached men, they can respectfully check out the opposite sex. So can girls. Oh my goodness Jeff - did you just drop your Corona? With a sterile goat as my witness, know and believe this: Girls look, leer and lust as much as boys do! Girls however, tend to do it with a bit more finesse. With adroit cleverness they gaze upon many a handsome creature - however the man-cake on display never feels anything, since she is subtle. Hello! Subtle! On the other hand, boys (and men that think like boys), rarely master the art of a simple look. It becomes an ogling, eye-popping, tongue-dragging foray into Estrogen Valley, where the natives are friendly - but don't take kindly to being objectified and sexualized. For damn good reasons women are always more than just a piece of ass - and if men had any sense they would grasp that and stop making excuses for immature behavior.

Does that mean that when in the company of a partner that we should exchange our Blackberry for a white cane and shuffle along the sidewalk, stooped over and head-hanging? Should we avert our eyes just in case we’re caught “not-looking?” Can we only notice naked models of perfection when they are Greek, made of stone and at least 2000 years old? Heavens no! As humans, part of our natural instinct is noticing what is attractive in our surroundings - be it human, excellent shoes, or the way the light looks on a fall afternoon. Looking briefly and nicely and then moving on is what is acceptable and normal when in a relationship. Drooling or pretending not to drool but needing a bib is not acceptable. Here is a good rule of thumb: Remember the 2 second rule when food is dropped to the floor? It applies here as well, two seconds to look and then let go of any further thoughts.

Speaking of thoughts, my guess is that if Jeff looks when with her, he looks even more without her. What do you think? So, without further adieu, the always-popular, never without interesting examples- sob story (please use whiny voice when reading) “I just can't help it.” Break out the violins baby, because this is the last time Jeff (or any male) will be able to, with a clear conscience, pull that number out of his faded 501's!

With the strength of the unenlightened masses backing up the premise that “thoughts” don't matter, it is easy to rationalize away any and all guilt that what we think doesn't affect anyone else - let alone our own minds and psyche. What he or she doesn't know won't hurt him or her? Maybe Martha Stewart came up with that when she was out of crepe paper, chicken wire and gumdrops.

Thoughts are the most powerful things on the entire planet. They are the beginning and the end of all we know. Nothing except a true natural disaster is born without thought. Not an invention, a Nation, and certainly not a relationship of any value. Before love is an action, it is a thought. Even a kiss starts as a thought. Can anyone really believe anything else? All images and thoughts that enter the mind stay there forever. Just because the recall is sketchy doesn't mean that it doesn't exist lounging around in the gray matter, capable of causing something related to manifest. Even the thoughts we think we have control of show up as dreams, life choices and personal torments that are anything but fun.

Darling Jeff, Boys and Girls, Thoughts have the ability to impact us in more ways then there are visions to contemplate. The quick little fantasy of the brunette at Starbucks this morning glistens in the brain, the way a wedding band shines in the sunlight. It only takes the right stimulation to evoke the fantasy - or what’s behind the sparkle. We are either free, and truly in control of our thoughts (which now we know are reality in the making) or we are eternally no more than lab rats, being pushed and pulled by whatever is dropped into our cage.
Have a naughty day!

A very complicated yes

2009-10-02T16:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Something really bad happened between my husband and myself. He is working though the addiction that messed us up, but as hard as I try to “get over it” I can't. I am not usually one to hold a grudge but I can't help but be very sad and mad that what we lost is gone forever. Is there anything I can do to move forward?
Katie, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Katie,
Aside from investing a large portion of your stock portfolio in tissues the answer is yes but a very complicated yes and truth be told, not easily accomplished. Not without a degree from the University of Radical Acceptance. Throughout our existence life makes available countless situations with no guarantees what-so-ever. We willing line up and sign up for most of them. Children are a phenomenal example of our willingness to traipse into regions unknown. Regardless of whether the pregnancy is planned or a bit like finding out that there are no fireworks on the 5th of July, one knows where the 9 months are headed. Large capital expenditures of very small outfits, more bears and bunnies than a ring toss stand at the fair and a waist line worthy of a NFL line backer are all on the horizon.

We also know that at some point pain, lots of it, will be a known quantity. There is no magic meter to know if labor will be a easy walk in the park or a 36 hours long-death-in-the-face event. And that is the easy part. Years of dedication, serious monetary expenditure and sleepless nights that never really end. There are no guarantees though any of it that the experience will be wonderful and yet, with the worlds population hovering around 6.788 billion, obviously there is something about all the unknowns that we are willing to accept. Is it because we think we have control or is hope truly eternal?

Whether a child is born with special needs or evolves into a grown person with special needs why is there a distinction in how we view just what is and what is not “special?” Is a person born with a handicap so different from one that evolves with a handicap? When interacting with others, it seems that there is much less tolerance for the later. Is it because a physical, mental or emotional difference is easier to live with when we perceive it as innocently incurred? If a grown person has not learned the basic rules of kindergarten, to be kind, caring and honest, because “special needs” were never addressed, should it be any different than the allowances made for someone who was born without the ability to see? Aren't all afflictions and addictions innocently acquired?

Our culture now finds it acceptable, even a standard, to give every kid a ribbon just for participation. Has trying become the the new winning? If we can value learning above winning in a child's world, why can we not do the same for an adult? In a perfect world, maybe we could but in the one that most of us occupy, “getting over” a major relationship issue is damn hard work. Could raising a relationship be even harder than raising a child? Could it be because we think we have control or is hope truly eternal?

Darling Katie, Boys and Girls, embracing a comprehensive undertaking of forgiveness or understanding is a worthy goal, but when the emotions of anger and sadness are in full force it is impossible to apply both the concentration and intellect necessary. So for now, just leave it alone and live your life as you see fit. When the anger and sadness begin to fade, you can address the bigger cosmic issues at leisure with detachment and clarity. As grown ups we KNOW there are no guarantee's in life, especially in relationships, but the loss of anything that is priceless is difficult, regardless of the rational reasons why it shouldn't be. It doesn't make it any easier that loss of every kind has a haunting quality that relentlessly permeates hidden corners of the mind. It is heart breaking to realize that no matter what someone does to make up for something the hard reality is, they can't. “It” has become part of life.

Living in the present is a worthy goal, but the past is there as part of our experience and is a valuable teacher so we don't repeat our mistakes. The past counts in equal measure to the present. Do the math for yourself. The past and present will always equal the future.
Have a naughty day!

When the negative is less than the positive

2009-09-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I got into another disagreement, yet again. We go from things being really good to impossible to live with. When do you know it's time to just call it a day?
Michael, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Michael,
At times skiing blindfolded in the Sahara Desert while being chased by slobbering rabid wolves can be more comfortable than being involved in a relationship. With all the ups and downs that can be sometimes it feels like an insane journey without even a souvenir T- Shirt to show for all the hard work. Have we convinced ourselves as a society that a rocky road is not only an ice-cream but an acceptable way of living?

If one believes in the values that stand behind the concept of a relationship -when it is bad it can feel like we are forced to buy the ticket, forced to go on the ride and get no guarantee's that the ride will be a tremendous. I happen to know the camel whose back was broken by the straw. In fact during the interview the camel told me, it had nothing to do with straw. That was just spun for the benefit of the liberal media. The broken back was due to years of neglect, dirty hay and nothing to drink but scant amounts of tepid water.

If we could let go of the preconceived idea that the benefits of a relationship outweigh almost any negative that happens (especially the repetitive ones) there would be less hurt less often. It seems we are more comfortable with giving relationships chance after chance to the point of insanity then trying something different, often to the determent of all parties concerned. To accept and release what is not a constructive way of living can be the most rewarding choice after all.
The best way to not get sand kicked in your face is to look at the self since there is no way anyone changes anyone else. Not for better or worse. Whether the storm is blowing hot or cold, this can be a hard road and it is near to impossible to know if it will ever improve. The blessing in disguise is that during adversity we can get really strong and be able to see the truth of whom we are and what we want.
Darling Michael, Boys and Girls, it's really basic math. When the positive is less than the negative change becomes possible. Making a structure for ourselves and knowing we are just fine regardless of the leaving is what safeguards us from feeling like victims. When we can look deeply into our reality, as it is, not as we would like to be, we can see why we made the choices we did. That is the key in preventing patterns of discontent and a happily ever after.

Our lives are chapters in a book, scenes in a movie, and seasons within a year. Even the most defining edges, like death or divorce eventually become blurred as we move forth. Thus the imperative need to move continually forward even if it feels like all we are doing is crawling.
Have a naughty day!

The lure of zero-calorie cherry pie

2009-09-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I broke up with my girl friend a few months ago and I think I made a mistake. We broke up because she wanted to get more serious and I didn't. Now that she is gone, I realize how much she really means to me. I have tried to talk with her but she says she isn't interested and has moved on. How can I get her to know that I am ready to be serious and want to try again?
K.S. SANTA BARBARA

Dear K.S,
The lure of time travel is right up there with zero-calorie cherry pie and free private jets, and if there was ever a time when turning back the clock would be on par with cheesecake for breakfast, that time is now. The would have's and should have's that run rampant, like a crazy little monkey jumping to reach a just-out-of-reach banana, can turn our brains and our insides into mush.

When our brains and insides have turned to mush, not only are they of little use to us, they are of no use to the woman or man that has moved on. Too little to late has not only the ring of many a lyric, but the firm tones of done, finished and terminated. Does this mean within the finality of “moved on” she might change her mind? Could she possibly, after the burning pain of being dumped has worn off, be tempted to put her heart in the fire once again? Riddle me this Batman: If a person was too immature to realize the gem they had then (except for the loss of that stellar someone), what exactly has changed now? Why in the world would she want to change her mind?

It is common when the sheets have been changed to the color of lonely not to miss the sleepy Minx or Manx that used to recline upon them. All change is difficult and we as humans seem to have a huge reluctance to embrace it. Better the devil-we-know than the devil-we-don't is all but part of the National Anthem. So say can you see that by the dawns early light, in a month or two that perhaps the mistake you think you have made might just come down to accepting the transition of what has been put into motion - and that particular segment of your life is over?

Always one to entertain the least of all possible possibilities, lets say that a mistake was really a mistake. Always a favorite movie theme, that cubic zirconium that was right in your hand was really a diamond! In that case, you can just accept right now that working on yourself is all you can do. Skip the fancy bouquets and 2am texting - If she is a self-respecting person she is never going to believe anything except what she can see with her own eyes. She is also going to need her own sweet time in which to view the actions of this newly aware man - and on her terms if any.

Darling K.S, Boys and Girls, when in a relationship, avoiding critical mistakes is like knowing the owners of a Vegas casino. Lots of freebieswhen you honestly screw up. However, when one is rolling dice and doesn't know the pit boss, let alone the time of day, the odds of winning are only slightly better than finding that cherry pie with 0 calories.
Have a naughty day!

The obvious will make its presence known

2009-08-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a guy a few weeks ago and we are spending quite a bit of time together. I am taking it easy and he seems like he’s rushing things a bit. Nothing that I can’t handle, but I wonder why? Most of my dating life, it has been the other way around. Do you think there is something weird going on? Should I ask him why he is so in to me?
K.K. Santa Barbara

Dear K.K,
Sweet white ducks gently paddling around on the calm surface of a pond can be weird if we want them to be. Swimming around in not so random patterns, we can wonder as to their methods and madness. When one after another decides to swiftly fly away we can wonder as to what made them leave in such a hurry? Do ducks really have to be anywhere?

Making sense of things - or trying to anyway - now supplants baseball as the great American pastime. There is always a friend, a chat line or a random stranger that will help us to peruse the peruse-able and just about anything can be put under a microscope for a closer look. Like a cat on the bed, looking at un-see-able specters, we force a desire to see what isn’t always there. Is this scrutiny really needed to allow our intuition to make a call? Could we let what we can’t understand remain just that: not explainable for now? Do we really need to pay Esmeralda forty bucks to know all and see all?

Projecting names and theories to what is new, difficult, or plain-old mysterious makes us feel safe. Information, even if it is incorrect, gives us a road map in which to make future steps. But how can the future, the definition of guesswork ever be 100% reliable? It can’t - and put those names and theory anywhere near a microscope and what emerges is usually just more questions, and opportunities for mis-steps to come.

Darling K.K. Boys and Girls, in the beginning of a relationship, all bets are off as to getting completely reliable information. The research in this department says that we live in a world where lies of limited consequence are as prevalent as thongs in a hooker’s drawer! There is just no point in asking too many questions since the obvious will eventually make its presence known – if you just let go and let it. You are already doing the best thing you can by taking it nice and slow. Think of romance like a crock-pot, in time it will either be nice and tender or food for Fido.
Have a naughty day!

Ya Think?

2009-08-14T17:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
"Pitiful", cheating men, telling mates and being honest. Bolderdash. Cheating partners, one rule, only one!! Don’t get caught.
Signed,
Mr. Married Been at it 30 years

Dear Mr. Been at it,
You don’t just find Satan’s nectar available for such easy consumption every day of the week, let alone on this particular Friday. But, Boys and Girls how could there be anything sweeter than a man, this particular man, that sadly to say, needs a big glass of what most of us live on, integrity with or without ice?

Smarting inside from the guilty pleasures of the last 30 years, the desire to speak forth can only be summed up with a big thank you from this Kitty Cat! Gracias, for letting those that trespass on no-no territory in on what life looks like after 30 years of being a bad bad boy. Merci, for confirming without any shadows lurking in doubt, that living the straight and clean path is not only the right way, but the right of all men and women. And finally, Danke schön, for such a conscience lesson into the quandary of my latest favorite thought, does guilt actually have a purpose?

Just out of curiosity, is it possible to replace a fifty cent conscience with a two dollar one? Should one even try? Of course! Anyone that parts with such a precious monkey sticker to get a point across deserves my very best and besides poor baby, is obviously just a little bit riddled with guilt. As the great bard Shakespeare once wrote, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." In this case, the man but we get the picture….

Guilt, along with his brothers, shame and regret are our friends. Believe or not they share a very important purpose. In fact, they promise to faithfully show up whenever one is even thinking about signing up for a three year tour with Darth Vader. Their comforting presence can be felt when an action is only a whisper of a thought. Try thinking of them as Jiminy Cricket without a song but attitude to spare and they truly become our guardian angels.

However, if their quiet whispers of wisdom were not heard or heard but not obeyed, and dark deeds were done, they are now a serious force to be reckoned with. They can bring the mighty tumbling down and have the capability of making a grown man or woman cry like a little baby. They now have the power to un-do all that is good. And here’s the sobering truth, one day they will have their reckoning. They always do. So channeling Mr. S once again, "the evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones." Ya think?　

Darling Mr. Married, Boys and Girls, even if no one knows what we do, what we are is clear and present in our own mind. So I ask you, if today is your own personal day of reckoning, how do you stand with yourself? How would you like to stand?

Have a naughty day!

OMG and LOL

2009-07-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a man a few months ago and we are dating. We are having a great time, however, we live in different cities and don’t see each other as often as we would like. He likes to text and sends me cryptic email. A few weeks ago, we got in an argument and I am sure it had more to do with the communication style he likes, than anything else. I don’t want to be old school, but this texting is awful and I really don’t want to do it. Do you think I am just being old-fashioned here?
Carol, Santa Barbara

Dear Carol,
Talk about lost in translation, no longer do we just keep up with the Jones, we keep up with enough information to make a 1950’s KGB agent want to defect for Club Med on a permanent basis. On the nightstand isn’t the complete works of anyone with a modicum of literary talent but our teckie toys, just in case an “important” email or text message arrives. Our religious devotion to these paragons of progress rivals that of 16th Century French Monks in solemn prayer over a batch of Benedictine!

Being part and parcel of the communication age isn’t doing anything but taking us further and further away from being the social animals we are. That is if we are going continue to evolve. My god, if it isn’t already hard enough to communicate with each other, our language has been slaughtered into OMG, WTF, and LMAO. Great, the original tribal Ugg, after years of evolution has now been reduced (or is back to) Ugg. How far haven’t we come?

Modern life is not really our life of complete choice because most of it is manufactured by others, perhaps more so than any other time in history. People whose job is to keep us glued to their world in their way. If we are conditioned to their world we are also programmed to use the products they sell. This is both a direct sell in the case of an iphone with iapps that somehow you must have, or any one of the millions of ads that stream into our lives every second, promising to make life better and better. It is no wonder that our collective patience has grown as thin as a Swedish pancake?

Darling Carol, Boys and Girls, did you know that Trichinoses is a nasty disease that folks used to get from eating pork? Apparently when an autopsy is performed, the brains of its victims will be perforated by worm holes made by the worm’s pursuit of its food. Are we putting holes into our relationships in the pursuit of “better” communication?

It doesn't have to be that way; some of us can manage to live without the bombardment of this endless invasion of our lives. We can with some effort shrug it away and use the TV, cell phones, Internet as much as we dictate in a way that is appropriate, without sacrificing what is real intimacy.

Try this for one weekend; no activity that involves any outside influence. That means no phones, no Internet and no TV. You might find that an old hobby that you had forgotten, a book that you have been meaning to read, a hike in the hills, or writing a letter (hello a letter!) to someone might be all you need to take back your life and have the time of your life.

Have a naughty day!

Intrusive Interludes

2009-07-17T17:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife had a short “interlude” with another man. She swears it was the first and only time and regardless of what she did, I believe her and I still love her. The issue is that she has moved on from what happened but sometimes I find myself ruminating over the affair and getting angry all over again. I am trying to let it be done, but it isn’t easy. Any help in a good direction would be welcome.
BC, Santa Barbara

Dear BC,
It seems deception is the place that hurts the most for so many of us. It stings because it hits at the very place where commitment lives. Honesty. And since most people believe that honesty is the heart and soul of a relationship, anything that threatens that truth is destructive to the very bone.

When our life partner (read that 10 times to feel what those two words really mean) isn't honest with us, it brings so much into question. It is impossible not to revisit the life choices we could have made, the upbringing that taught us that honesty was the right and only path of a "good" person, and that there are partners out there that would never consider cheating in the first place.

Our past, present and future are rocked when a deception of such magnitude hits. Our own core values as well as our stability become anything but stable. In a place of such uncertainty, it no surprise that we can find ourselves long after the initial shake-up feeling tremors that bring us into upheaval again and again.

So how do you manage damage control for the sake of the relationship while at the same time healing the wreckage that lives within? How do you purge the past for the benefit of the present and future without bandaging wounds so well they never heal? It is a delicate operation that takes finesse - and believe it or not - trust.

It may sting all over again to think that putting ones’ faith in trust, of all things, is anything but a denial of the self and a set-up for a future disaster. This is defiantly a hard, even nasty concept to want to grasp. It can feel like exactly the wrong way to go, but it isn’t. Trust me. To sweeten the process, here is the sugar to help the medicine go down. I give you permission to be mad, be sad, be livid like you have never been before. The only rule, is that none of the venom or tears can be directed at the one caught with their pants down.

If the Billy Clinton in your life, has half a brain and decent values, they are more than well-aware of the ill-omened choices that they made. If they are being honest with themselves, they are in their own world of remorse and pain, and do not need you with GPS guidance showing them any more of the damaged and burnt landscape of a once happy terrain. At this point in their understanding of what transpired, they dearly need to be in the present in order not to sink into the murky bog of guilt and shame. That kind of self-hating quicksand will suck them down (and you with them) so there is never a chance of moving forward. The reality is that the more the stray cat has to help the house cat heal, the longer it takes for the stray cat to find home again.

Darling BC, and Boys and Girls: does it still feel like the bad one is getting it easy? The one that stole the cookies and ate them all up didn’t get punished? They didn’t even get fat? Sometimes it feels that way -so grab pen and paper and write out all the rotten things you want to say and no editing allowed. This menacing memoir is all about you. The pain, the anger, the Plan B to run away with a real Prince or Princess Charming! This is where the caustic, fed-up, and very angry little person inside can get even. It will feel really good. Not only will you have a draft for a hit movie, you might just feel cleansed enough to balance what is written about the awful past with what is happening right now – and that present might be pretty good.

If the remorse is genuine, there will be noticeable changes for the better. Letting that sink in is very difficult and yes, hard to trust - but if you do trust it to be real, it is a crucial building block for the future.

Have a naughty day!

Where Have all the Nice Girls Gone?

2009-07-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am a 45 year old man, have been divorced for nearly two years, and have begun to date. Believe or not, I have very little experience dating and for the time being I just want some fun after being married to Satan for so many years. My problem is that in spite of my best efforts to be honest and clear that my intent is to have fun and keep it light, on numerous occasions after several dates (getting more physical) the women, who originally agreed to keeping it light are ready to slap a ring on my finger! Why do so many women throw the big change-up when I am initially honest about my intentions? If I am doing something wrong here, I would appreciate some advice. Thank you.
John H, Santa Barbara

Dear John:
If we are honest with ourselves regarding our intentions, when we want a burger and a chocolate shake, we feel good about it, even though we are consuming the caloric equivalent of week’s rations in space. If we really know we should have a salad with dressing on the side, but order the burger anyway, the lack of congruence can cause more than just a bad case of indigestion – it can cause us to end up dazed, confused and have a bad taste in our mouth.

Along with the tropical fruit flavored Tums we now consume by the truck load, we begin to dump the excess guilt onto anything and anyone we can find. “The day from hell made me go off my diet”; “I never got a chocolate shake when I was a kid”; “the waitress MADE me order it”. Yes, anything and everything except for looking at the fact - the basic ketchup-on-your-face truth: We tend to get exactly what we tell others we want, and when our order arrives wrong, the reality is that they are receiving an inaccurate message from us.

It may sound like truth to say that playing the field sounds like a healthy pursuit for a man recently removed from the purgatory of pitch fork central. If that is what was really desired, and shown through congruent actions and words, then that is precisely what would happen. The women dated would respond (either positively or negatively) to the clarified admonition that “lite” dating was on the menu. But if one is still sometimes existing in the deep, dark recesses of a personal past hell where issues are left unresolved, there’s not a snowball’s chance in August in Las Vegas (or anywhere else), that dating will be anything like heaven.

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but this Kitty is willing to go out on a limb and say that if so many women are ready, so fast, to put a picture of the happy couple on this year Christmas card, isn’t it possible that what is being given off isn’t James Bond on holiday? If it walks like a married man, and talks like a married man, it probably is a divorced man that is still acting like a married man. One that is giving off anything but a free-wheeling man-about-town! So, lets put the (shaken not stirred) martini down, retrieve a “JB” monogrammed index card from the well organized desk, and write out a helpful, always appropriate and copy written (pending) declaration of pre-whoopee activity that is wallet sized. In other words, even more comprehensive than a Donald Trump pre-nup - the official MK “No No No!” contract, to be read out loud while making direct eye contact with date, and while you are both still fully clothed:

“This contract, when hereby initiated before naughtiness, means even after naughtiness, there will be NO expectations of instant boyfriend. NO expectations of boyfriendesque communications. NO hidden agendas concerning anything to do with making a serious (heavy) relationship, such that would require weighting down contract-bearer with ball and chain.” (Make sure it is double spaced for clear and easy reading in case you’re still reading while trying to get your pants down fast!)

Which brings us to the last and not, as yet copy written part of the MK “No No No!” contract. Slow down. Really! Darling John, and Boys and Girls, no one wants it to be true, but we are animals. Maybe we are not Serengeti-ready or even Zoo-worthy, but we are heavily driven by chemical responses that we have little control over. Chemical response, as defined here, is not necessarily to be confused with the Bond-esque martini mentioned earlier. Chemical response is all those lovely hormones that like to kick in fast, once we have kicked off our shoes and kicked up our heels. Stay aware of this fact, and it will make sense to wait a few more dates than usual before setting the herd loose.

Honesty and communication of intent have a better chance of taking root early-on when both parties the take time to know them selves mentally before going on safari physically.

So now John; armed with the knowledge that what one gives off must be as true as what one wishes was perceived (and with the contract of the century as back-up) all I can say is…

Have a naughty day!

The Spanish Inquistion

2009-07-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am dating a new man and want to ask him some personal questions. What questions are acceptable to ask without sounding rude? I have a history of being with the wrong kind of guy (for me) and I think if I take a more logical approach to dating I will do better. Not only that, but a few things about him are just not adding up right. On the other hand I could be totally in left field and I don’t want this guy to get the wrong idea about why I am asking these questions and be turned off. Help?
S.K, SANTA BARBARA

Dear S.K.,
If fireworks lit up the night sky with brilliant color and no noise, we would notice. If we saw sushi placed on red hot coals, we would notice. If we went to the beach and green grass had replaced all the sand, we would notice. Not only would we notice, we would have questions - and lots of them. So why is it, when we are getting to know a new someone, are we shy about getting some answers? Why is the act of acquiring knowledge via questioning perceived as rude? Should we really accept everyone until proven otherwise? When it comes to digging in deeper, it is the wise that bring a sturdy and reliable shovel!

It is no lie that early on in any relationship; everyone is on their best behavior. Like little kids at a dinner party for grown-ups, keeping quiet and being “good”, gets you an invite for the next time. Not to mention extra cherries in your Shirley Temple! But as the party winds down, and children get tired “reality” gets the chance to show up and show off.

When dating someone new there is no reliable or known time frame for the authentic to manifest. As airy-fairy as it sounds, only time will tell. It takes the events that will eventually transpire within a relationship to know the true depth of another human being. Does this mean that up-front questions are out of order? Absolutely not, nor are they rude unless the subject in under harsh lighting, duck-taped to a chair and forbidden water for more than 24 hours. Does this mean, the truth will always be told? Absolutely not. It might also mean that the truth is not something that can be understood or perceived at this particular place in time.

For example: A man remodels his home and doesn’t install a kitchen. He doesn’t cook and brings home a couple of cokes with his take-out food every evening which works for him. He meets a woman and she does cook. He now installs a kitchen. She is thrilled. She never questioned him or herself because in the framework of the reality she was being shown, the house sans kitchen made sense.

Unless one has a reference point in their own experience file cabinet, another’s explanation might seem logical. It would take time to know that the real reason Mr. I-Don’t-Cook-Don’t-Need-a-Kitchen was because he was incapable of finishing anything he started. Could she have known that by simply asking questions? Not in the early days…not unless he was a person that was so secure in his own reality – and so knowledgeable of himself - that he would have told her the actual truth, not the one that she would accept as valid.

Darling SK, Boys and Girls, asking questions is always a good idea. They start a dialogue and assist in filtering out aspects that we need to know. They are not however a perfectly reliable oracle that will tell the future with certainty. The future is subject to change and what was yesterdays’ perception will no doubt alter without the scope of continued self-discovery, communication and congruence.

Have a naughty day!

Curious George and the Naughty Monkeys

2009-06-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been married for 11 years. Other than the fact that we are friends and we are there for each other in most ways, it is fairly lackluster. I never thought a marriage could be much more so I was reasonably happy. Recently I have met a woman through a class at Adult Ed and we have so much more in common than my wife and I do. Is it terrible to realize this? Am I a rat bastard for even thinking about wanting something better for myself? As you write so much about honesty, am I being "honest" by staying with my wife or leaving her?
J, SANTA BARBARA

Dear J,
According to Wikipedia, curiosity is an emotion related to natural inquisitive behavior. Wikipedia also says that apes, cats, fish, reptiles, even insects have been observed exhibiting “curiosity”. In my observations of life and romance, creatures do not marry, but rat-bastards can and do. Rats, even when sparked into life by “someone” a bit sparkly do not get to throw another’s life into turmoil as easily as throwing a clay pot on a wheel at Adult Ed!

Honesty is being in-line with pre-set values that have been established after the somewhat laborious task of searching within the self to ascertain the highest level of integrity, i.e. the highest good is realized. Does this mean one is always honest as the day is long? Not necessarily. Sometimes the highest good is in being kind. For example telling a small child that they shouldn’t give up their day job in favor of making MORE painted rocks isn’t nice. It certainly could be true, but in the context of that little scenario, nice trumps truth.

Exploring and implementing values is a lot like playing cards. Depending on the hand dealt, one must wisely decide what to put into play in order to win. The definition of winning is leaving this planet better than you found it and leaving it better than the planet found you.

So, if compassion is the Queen of Hearts than Honesty is certainly the King of Diamonds. It takes quite a man or woman to balance what is honest and what is right. The sudden inspiration that someone else has better cards than we do or contemplating just what a stacked deck might look like can be intriguing. However, that intrigue is really a messenger for something bigger and much more important. A catalyst for change certainly, but not the whole card game. Not even the card table.

Darling J, Boys and Girls, once a commitment has been made, that particular commitment is written in stone. If one is not happy within the commitment, one needs to embrace what can be done to make it work. Making it work might mean moving on, changing what isn’t good into something that is or realizing and appreciating what is. In a nutshell, without doing a whole lot of work first, you would indeed be a rat-bastard.

Have a naughty day!

Message in a Bottle

2009-06-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiancé and I are getting married in two weeks and I am freaking out. A few nights ago he went to a bachelor party that his best man had arranged. They did the bar thing and apparently ended up at a party. The next day he had a text message and from the content it was obviously from a girl he had met at the party. I asked him about it and he said I had nothing to worry about. I AM worried. I am worried that he did something that he regrets and isn’t being truthful. If he did anything other than have drinks with his friends, I don’t want to marry him. What do I do now? He acts like nothing is wrong and I am about to make a huge commitment! Please answer this.
Anne, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Anne,
Many things in life are driven by faith. Faith in the unseen is paramount to our experience as a human-which is why we can marry in the first place. If we couldn’t believe in vows, there would be no point to committing to a marriage. We like to believe what we say and what we hear is written in stone. In a very uncertain existence the reliability of another human being smooths the inevitable rough spots and provides a necessary respite from all that we can not control.

When an event or a moment shakes that stability, it is like a stone breaking through a pristine window. Ever try to glue together a window broken? Crazy! It never looks right again and the only solution is getting a new window. However, relationships are not like windows. It is easy to get a new one, but the old one, the broken one is the one we want. When a relationship has broken glass around, be it a little crack or a giant gaping hole, no one is feeling sheltered and safe anymore.

All kinds of thoughts can rush in and make havoc of a once peaceful existence. So does knowing the truth really set you free? Do you already have the truth but still can’t believe it? If he isn’t telling you the whole story, is the deceit to protect you or to protect him? They say that love is blind, and sometimes love is blind to doing the right thing.

Conjecture is not viable here and will only lead to your mind going in circles. Therefore, he needs to tell all -without any thought as to the consequences of his disclosure. You get to decide if “it is nothing to worry about” since there is more than one way to read truth into “nothing to worry about”. (Think Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky). What you hear- may or may not be within your comfort zone (read values) and that is all that really matters. Maybe he was 3 sheets to the wind and gave a girl his phone number in front of the guys as a joke. Not a good joke and immature, but probably within your comfort zone. Or he might have done something that definitely is a deal-breaker. Consequences for actions will always find a way to show up and it is better to work through this now while you can.

After listening with no interruptions, if what you hear sounds fine, but you still are worried check in with yourself. If previously, there has never been anything to question with this man, I would venture that his perceived action is just a trigger for something that is hidden in you. Definitely something to ponder, but it could wait until after the honeymoon.

Darling Anne, Boys and Girls, Trust is the rock on which relationships are built to last. Nothing else is as important. Therefore, putting any decision on hold is perfectly reasonable, even a wedding - especially a wedding!

Have a naughty day!

Getting There Faster by Slowing Down

2009-06-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I woke up before the dawn today, and was busy working on a problem at my computer. Suddenly I noticed that morning had come and it was light out. I wondered if life is a lot like that. You start life and without really noticing what is happening, around you things change, then, suddenly you realize that life is not the way it was. Like while working on the computer I did not notice the dawn. Maybe we go about our lives not taking the time to notice all the subtle but important changes in our surroundings. The big changes we notice, for sure, but when you add up the important changes those are not the big ones- they are the tiny ones, little day by day things, that really matter. Like a goodnight kiss.
Thanks for listening, Ron, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Ron,
Home is where the heart is, a man’s home is his castle and where would we be without home sweet home? Home, where we can let down our hair and unwind, is hopefully where we are our most unguarded and therefore real selves. So if our physical home - the structure made of wood, concrete or brick - is where we feel we can be our most authentic self, why is it that within this most safe of places, we are often still struggling to be truly authentic? If we are not able to notice the dawn, our beloved - or even ourselves – just where are we living?

Is our inner foundation as solid as the one we walk upon? Are the rooms within the mind clutter free? Is the internal house easily maintained or riddled with rats? When we clean up the chaos and scramble to put the hodgepodge of life’s lessons in place, are we doing it because company is on the way or to feel that we are truly in control? After all, appearances do matter and we are judged by what others see.

Within a relationship, would you let your partner see your inner “house”? If not in a relationship, are you ready for someone to see your “house” as it really is? Is the floor plan open and easy to navigate? Are there so many skeletons in your closets that at any moment an aged and cracked femur might slip out and trip someone? Do you have any monsters under your bed, ready to scare the daylights out of someone dear who comes across it?

How we construct, decorate and use our “home” tells us volumes about where we are as a person - and therefore what will be reflected back to us in our relationships. As Ron said above, it is about the little things. It is knowing that you can always find what you are looking for because you have made a place for each value that you hold dear. It means what you are being within your mind is the same as what you show to the rest of the world. Pure congruence and clean as a whistle, regardless of company present or a day spent solo.

As a bricks and mortar home needs maintenance to stay safe and secure, so does the internal mansion. It needs conscious adjustment from time to time and a focused peace in which to do so. Without the clutter that is so many people’s everyday mental minefield, there can be the ability to just sit and appreciate not only the dawn but all the things that become precious when given a bit of attention.

Darling Ron, Boys and Girls, be it dawn, dusk or the still of midnight; knowing that your inner house is in order (not just “company clean”) gives you the gift of being able to calmly notice the important things. That is what it takes - and nothing less. When the mind is full of confusion and debris there is nowhere to sit down, nowhere to walk, without tripping - and certainly it is no place for anyone special to be invited over to!

Does this mean that we are going for a Better Homes and Gardens showplace at all times? Never! It is expected that as we do our internal work there may be a big mess to deal with. Clinical order or the illusion of tidy does not mean “clean”. Like the mess that comes with cooking a great dinner for twelve, with patience, a really good mop, and good hard work, the kitchen floor can always be found.

Have a naughty day!

Here You Are - Where Am I?

2009-06-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I have been together for many years. As much as I like our relationship I am becoming aware that I don’t really know myself anymore. I know what “we” like, but not me. How do I find me again without threatening my husband’s feelings?
BR, Santa Barbara

Dear BR,
Deep within the complex web that is a relationship it is easy to become lost. The self can fade away to the point where even others confuse whom they spoke with. As together as a “we” can be, the reality is that we are separate individuals. Our goals, dreams and morals, as similar as they may be to a partner’s, are ultimately ours alone. Time apart and personal differences are not only what we need, it is what we require to be together happily ever after.

So what do we do when a life changing moment or a radical realization within our relationship changes our sense of who we are or whom we are with? The gradual feeling that our identity has merged beyond recognition into an “us” instead of a “you and me” can feel like dancing solo in a ballroom filled with couples - and not knowing the steps.

Knowing how to follow the bread crumbs home again is crucial. The wise know that the easiest way back is when holding hands. The time to get closer is actually when one is feeling the most apart and lost. Although being close instinctively feels like one could lose even more of one’s sense of self - this is never the case. By being close and risking intimacy - which encourages all-important trust - we allow the mutual communication and support to assist us in finding the way to where our own choices and desires are clear.

Our identity is born with as many factors as there are influences around our cradle. When we are old enough to realize whom is around - and just as importantly - who isn’t, we begin to set the stones of who we will be. Later on, it’s the people we allow to share our bed that are our mirrors; sometimes as distorted as those in a fun house. Finally, it is the ones that stand around our grave that we have influenced.

It is nothing less than the hardest of jobs to figure out what makes us tick and then make sure we like the sound of it. It is difficult to travel within the subtle layers of pleasing one’s partner and pleasing the self, while at the same time making sure we live in congruence with our determined values. The definitions of “selfish” will become blurred, as we re-think what we need to feel content. For a while, it will feel uncomfortable to think of the self first. For a while it will seem unfamiliar and wrong – even painful. But because you are finding yourself again, within the arms of another, it will eventually become very right and appreciated by the both of you.

No one is more attractive and lovable than when they are filled with joy, purpose, and truly know whom they are.

Have a naughty day!

The Temple of Man Info

2009-05-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My man of choice has stopped treating me like he used to. This isn’t about less love, it is more about I miss is how it used to be. The little things like surprises and tokens of affection are pretty much non-existent. You know what I mean. How can I get him to understand how important this is for me without sounding like a nag?
Nancy, Santa Barbara

Dear Nancy,
Somewhere in a far off location, (which cannot be disclosed in order to protect your safety), deep inside a mountain, hidden by jungle vines is the holy shrine of Man- Info. This is where pilgrimages are taken unknown and unaware by unsuspecting wives and girlfriends. In this subterranean lair, the secrets of manhood are disclosed to the ready and willing. It is sacred temple where in the innermost realms the deepest, darkest and most profound information regarding women can be found.

Unfortunately for the last 100 years, (in spite of Google maps) the exact location has been lost and consequently most men have been a bit confused on the subtle art of woman-wooing. There are a few extremely smart men out there, that have taken it upon themselves, after deep meditative reflection (and a lot of trial and error) to nail the necessary - and are exempt from the following advice.

Except for those mentioned above (and you know who you are), grab a blue highlighter and get ready for some harsh, but true reality. Lesson number one: You may think that loving her is enough. It is not sad, but it is true that it alone isn’t enough. Love is the pinnacle of all greatness, but it takes a cat of another color to make SURE she feels loved, needed, and wanted as a woman.

As Robin would say, “Holy fickle feline Batman! Isn’t it enough that we participate in Valentines Day?” Although this is coming from a hyper little man in emerald green tights, one realizes that indeed, with the shrine all be forsaken, there is work to do. Are all women wired this way? Shouldn’t the fact a birthday is remembered, the trash is taken out and the toilet seat is left down be enough? I would love to say “hallelujah and pass the Chardonnay”, but alas it is not enough.

The worst part for you action-minded creatures is that there is no real rhyme or reason. This is not a problem to be solved- it is the way it is - and it will always be that way. Does this mean that you can schedule out a dozen roses for the next year to be delivered every Friday? Godiva chocolates next to her shampoo bottle in the shower every Tuesday? NO you can’t - because it isn’t about the stuff - it is about the fact that she has a tangible something to let her know, her beloved man was thinking about her. Putting “thinking” on a schedule will become routine and even perfect pink pansies will lose their passionate purpose.

Because there was more than a grain of truth in Robin’s exclamation, you must continue to be creative and try not to repeat the tokens of affection. Women are fickle creatures and there is no reason to deny it. I am sure, if we could look upon the ancient parchments within the Man-Info temple we would know the reason why but alas, we cannot. For a bit of sanity here, this is how the math works. Fabulous Male plus dating excitement equals feeling in love. Fabulous Male plus laundry and what’s for dinner equals feeling missing being in love. The missing feeling leads to other feelings that lead to other feelings. Now do you get it?

Darling Nancy, Boys and Girls, it is exhausting to struggle against what is nature and as hard as it is to accept it, some things are just the way they are. Understanding that there are differences in men and women and working not only within those differences but letting those differences stretch us is one of the lovely, although sometimes frustrating things about the differences. One more little note: it is a relationship- long endeavor, which must be constant but not predictable. Speaking of predictable, the rewards for getting this right are amazing - and anything but predictable.

Davey Crockett and Moving Boxes

2009-05-01T16:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am thinking about moving, and although it isn’t completely because of a guy, he does have more than a little something to do with it. Put it this way, I wanted to anyway and meeting him helped me finally make up my mind. Do you see any potential problems with this if it doesn’t work out?
S.G,

Dear S.G,
There’s nothing quite like getting in touch with your inner Davey Crockett. Grabbing a couple of oars, a canoe and heading off down the river, with nothing in mind but a lazy day on the water. It’s a different story all together if the canoe has a 27 foot moving truck driving in parallel on the streams bank, the destination is known, and one is hoping for a friendly native.

The reasons for moving have to be reasons that stand alone and stand up for what you want your life to be, completely regardless of a relationship. Do people move to be with the one they love? Of course they do. Do people move to be with the one they like and wish that more would transpire? Of course they do. Do people move to stalk someone across the country that they have found on the internet? Of course they do.

Anyone can have apparently sound reasons for doing anything, and in the safe little world that is one’s own reality, it all makes sense. Anything can be rationalized. The point is our own reality has a population of one and always will. Doesn’t it make sense that more than a hope about a relationship should be the motivation for a major life change?

Oh, the kitty is jaded, but then again, jade is a jewel highly valued in the Orient for it’s propensity for bringing luck so it must be good. It’s not hard to convince ourselves of anything, if we paint a picture that looks pretty, even if there isn’t a speck of real to it.

People always tell or show the truth, in one way or another, if one is willing to hear or see it. That goes double for the “truths” we show and tell ourselves. Now is print, in clear black and white, this is what you wrote, “Do you see any potential problems with this if it doesn’t work out?” I don’t think, but you let me know, that you were talking about the move. The move has much more to do with the guy then you are admitting to yourself. If there was enough of a lure without him, that question would never have come up. There would be no question, just moving boxes and more moving boxes.

Perhaps, now is good time to grab a 10-foot white board, lots of color markers and make a good old fashioned pro’s and con’s list - all by yourself. You can erase to your hearts content until what you see, is what you will get. If you still like the picture, take the journey, but take it knowing the lay of the land, as it is, not what you hope it will be.

Darling S, Boys and Girls, Mr.Crockett is quoted as saying, “Be always sure you are right then go, ahead”. Miss Kitty is quoted as saying, “Make sure what is “right” is truly real for you, then go, ahead.”

Have a naughty day!

Checking In and Out

2009-04-24T16:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend goes days without calling or contacting me. I don’t need to see him daily, but I think it is reasonable for him to want to check in and say hi. My girlfriends say he should and the fact that he doesn’t means he is trying to have power over me. My guy friends say it is no big deal and doesn’t mean anything.
Julie S, Santa Barbara

Dear Julie,
You, I, your girlfriends and boyfriends – let alone the readers of the Daily Sound - all know that you don’t just want just him to say “Hi”. In fact, I am so sure of it, we could all go to Vegas and put our combined net worth on Red #6, and take the house. Assuming we could dig ourselves out of a shallow communal grave, we could then brush off the sand and have a nice cup of tea to get to the gist of your real concern: Is he as interested in you as you are in him?

We all have different levels of interest and the missing of someone. Just ask Bryan Adams. Every time he thinks of you, he always catches his breath…that is a whole lot of intense, which sounds just a bit too compulsive and tiring to boot. But then everything he does, he does for you, so should heavy breathing really be ruled out? Speaking of rules, did you really say “check in”? I think you did - and that choice of words is very telling. Freudian slips are more than just a bit of lace on beige silk. They are the true telling of where one’s deep and dark reality is actually living. The calling card, if you will, of REALLY checking in!

So when is “checking in” sane and when it is “checking in” pushing someone else’s well defined boundaries? When is “checking in” a smoke screen for a whole lot of insecurity? 10 to 1 says Julie’s “girlfriends” think I am being mean and Julie’s “boyfriends” are in line to buy me a beer and discuss the remaining hockey season.

The truth is I don’t even like beer, but I do like reality and in this case, what the boys have to say is real. Anyway you slice it (I do like Pizza) they are right - it’s no big deal, and let me explain why. Just because he doesn’t want daily contact doesn’t imply anything is wrong with the relationship. Many a relationship is better served when the partners take time out to be apart. I don’t think anyone expected Michaelangelo to drop the Sistine Chapel project to grab a text message!

On the off chance that perhaps he isn’t as into her as she would like, time and only time will tell. Just the fact that they have a critical area of communication disagreement might be the line in the sand. But not because he is doing anything wrong. As far as the “power thing” fearful girls go to, if he really was trying to wield inappropriate power over you, it would be showing up not only in the lack of “checking in”, but in other ways as well. It is your job to become aware of these other ways – and to do something about them - like communicating openly your concerns.

Darling Julie, Boys and Girls, if time is the only thing we actually own, spending it on anything other than quality pursuits is a sad waste. Thinking about what someone is not doing - instead of what they are - and enjoying what life has to offer is not good. In fact, that’s a dangerous pattern, which has more to do with not believing in thy self worth more than anything else.

I would advise to fill your time with things that make you happy and feel good, and don’t revolve around anyone else. Even though (as a side benefit) your attractiveness factor shoots way up with this little gem, you are doing it for better reasons than that. And that is something we can all agree on.

Have a naughty day!

Limits with Mr. Lincoln

2009-04-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been married for six years and it isn’t what I thought it would be. As some background, we never had a super exciting time together, but it was good and we were very compatible. He proposed after 4 years of being together and we got married. Now, I am not happy most of the time and my husband doesn’t seem particularly thrilled either. Looking back, I don’t think we should have gotten married after all. Is this enough reason to get a divorce?
Sabra, Santa Barbara

Dear Sabra,
Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865) was the 16th President of the United States. He successfully led the country through its greatest internal crisis, the American Civil War, preserving the Union and ending slavery. There are obviously volumes more of information but considering this is a romance advice column and not “profiles in history”; we’re going to call it a day on Mr. L. That being said, there is a darn good reason (besides the fact that MK has a serious thing for the man) that he is being mentioned today. We now know just about as much as we ever will about Mr. Lincoln and no matter how much we revisit his history, it cannot be changed. Encased in permanence, history – what was - sits constant and safe for all eternity.

So is there any value in looking backwards in order to move forward? Do we really need to connect the dots to make a picture make sense? Could we just let the present be enough information to get us to a better place? The fact that true history is written in stone is part and parcel of why its value to us is so great, along with that fact that our perspective on the past does not remain stagnant.

History is extremely useful to us, because when it is revisited regarding relationships we are able to see patterns and although we cannot retroactively change anything, history will always repeat itself. The knowledge of this fact is crucial, because it gives us a unique opportunity: to do something different.

That is not exactly changing history, but if the same dynamic continues over and over again, and we have the clarity to recognize that repetition, it means we are able to react and change a particular moment – what is. Doing this, we have the power to change our destiny.

Darling Sabra, Boys and Girls, the motivation to do or not to do something - especially as drastic as changing marital status - is equal to the lack of fulfillment that is possible in the human experience. Mr. L’s ghost is letting me know that I should say what I need to say more simply. Alright then, if it has never worked as one would have liked, then break it all the way down and fix it so it does. That might just mean building a whole new life.

Is there a “possibility” that marriage with this person “could” improve - a rationalization to avoid the ultimate final solution? NO. History in it’s clean, precise and repetitive language has already proven that and given the opportunity, history will prove it over and over again.

Have a naughty day!

Hidden Baskets

2009-04-09T16:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Someone once told me I was incapable of sustaining a romantic relationship. Once again, I am wondering if that just might be true after all since I can’t sustain the feeling of being in love. It is a terrible thought for me to consider, but is it possible that long term relationships just don’t work for some people? If so, what can I do to change this?
Anne, Santa Barbara

Dear Anne,
Another naive Spring is here in its infant- like manifestations. Green sprouts and pastel buds proudly burst forth as if they are the first plants ever to grace the earth. The sounds of fresh chirping and gusts of sweetly scented wind waft across the face and the memories of seasons past. The deep seeded and core belief that fresh and new is both eternally exciting with an enchantment all its own, is present in every sight and sound.

Like children looking for elusive chocolate rabbits, we are willing to search, at all costs, for what we know will be sweet and satisfying. With no time to waste, tearing off thin and glittery pink and green foil to indulge in a frenzy of unabashed indulgence is new romance. Putting aside, all that is reality, for the chance to live in a full and very content world.

We then sit with our baskets brimming over with tempting treats. Gazing upon our new found indulgences and sharing the prize with special friends, we relish the telling of our story. The miraculous adventure we had while hunting this treasure trove of delights. The heightened sense of accomplishment if one was particularly difficult to reach or hidden away from everyone else.

Then, it is all over. The pink grass becomes plastic shreds that are difficult to dispose of. The fantastic chocolate bunny is nothing now but a left over bit of tail. Long live Memorial Day Weekend! The truth of the matter is that newness is gone as fast as it comes and no one is on a honeymoon every day, regardless of what the story books say.

Real life with all its broken eggs and one handled baskets is most of what we live, most of the time. Out of 365 days a year, 13 days are recognized American holidays. 13 days out of 365…Does that ratio mean there is anything wrong with life? Are there not plenty of days in between the turkey and the red roses, the scary faces and the flag flying that count as worthwhile? It is the same within a long standing relationship. What is precious is sometimes hard to see when it is not spelled out in red letters or exploited by Hallmark. But it is there.

Darling Anne Boys and Girls, it is easy to feel in love when feeling in love is all that one is doing. It is hard to sustain a feeling that is based largely on newness and a whole bunch of chemicals (the legal kind that course though infatuated flesh). Sustaining a long term relationship is a lot like hunting candy at Easter. One must diligently believe that where and when one least expects it there are signs of love. And like the very best kind of chocolate bunnies, the signs will be solid, never hollow.

Have a naughty Easter!

Gone Fishing

2009-04-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
The other day my BF said he would take my car and get it serviced for me. He didn’t do it and I was angry with him. Then I thought about all the really nice things he does for me and I felt guilty. I feel like if he said he would do the car and didn’t (he was fishing) I had a right to be angry with him. Didn’t I?
Candice, Santa Barbara

Dear Candice,
Like the ill- mannered relative that no one wants to invite to family functions or the embarrassingly and LOUD and complaining person next to you in a movie theatre, anger is perhaps the least understood of emotions. To show anger can make one vulnerable in a way that sadness, joy and even love have never endured.

If love is delightful rituals accompanied by strawberries and cream, champagne and all things pretty, anger seems to only beget more anger, sadness or a big fat bouquet of resentment. Nothing pretty about that! So why is it, especially within the confounds of even the most confident of relationships, that showing anger tips us into such uncomfortable realms?

Are we not allowed to express anger unless the slate is cleared off of all debris and therefore potential retribution is unlikely? Must we do a very fast mental check to insure we are “justifiably” angry and therefore justified in a bit of eye- ball rolling?

The evolved thinking man or woman is stuck in the mud without a clean exit when anger puts its dirty little paws upon a situation. It can be difficult enough to express anger and do so in an emotionally consciousness way-let alone feeling enough guilt to fill a pot with 100 chickens simmering away as soup.

A big part of the process is learning that to be angry is very acceptable. It is after all part of being human. The bigger human understands that moderating anger, by choice of words, are what allows us to express anger without sacrificing compassion. For those who are very uncomfortable with the whole ‘A” word, either by upbringing or personal experiences, not needing to rationalize anger is the first step to a healthy tantrum.

Case in point, Miss Candice doesn’t need to balance the fish scales here. Mr. BF may be a wonderful guy, but on this occasion he let the big one get away. Speaking of fish, which makes me think of dinner and portion control (evil concept), controlling the portion of anger metted out is crucial to the end result.

Darling Candice, Boys and Girls, along the savvy lines of not killing the messenger, it is possible, even though steamed like a clam, to get more information before losing your ceviche like cool. If what you hear or see doesn’t make the grade in your eyes then perhaps anger is your new best friend. Available in a moments notice and equally happy to take a back seat when not needed. And speaking of back-seats, making up is very important. Get your mind out of the gutter, this is about re- connecting, not the dots, but back to the reason you are together in the first place.

Have a naughty day!

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

2009-03-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I get into little fights and usually I say I'm sorry and we make up. Sometimes he is sorry but doesn't say anything but brings me flowers. I really would like him to say to me he’s sorry. When I mention this to him he says it's what you do - not what you say - that matters. I think that sometimes it needs the words too. Is it OK to ask him to actually say he is sorry?
Becky C, Santa Barbara

Dear Becky,
We know that water is wet, doughnuts have too many calories, and black silk is always sexy, but when it comes to relationships, does something have to be wrong before we can get it right? Does conflict have to be the driving force behind being true to our values? Do we have to compare and contrast behaviors to feel justification in our personal morals and ethics?

We tread the path of least resistance uneasily. It can be tiring, brutal and sometimes even soul-destroying to get what we think we need from someone else. So is it really worth it? Should we learn perfect compassion or would that make us a cross between the Dalai Lama and a Bozo the Clown punching toy?

So the question is really: for an apology to be valid, must it be in a form that the injured party deems acceptable? If our belief system feels that “sorry” must be verbalized in words - then so be it. Just as love can only be in a form that is understood to be truly felt, apologies apparently reside in the same heart-shaped world.

I think the underlying issue is if there is truth behind the apology. That is ultimately what really matters isn’t it? Isn’t that what we are really after when we want a “sorry”? Part of accepting that an apology is real is when the doghouse-e understands and is willing to show remorse in a style that means something to the doghouse-er. The one that got done wrong wants it done right and that means, by his or her rules. The method used, be it flowers or cat box cleaning-becomes part of the actual apology.

Perhaps the real rub lies in the fact that we want-so desperately to believe that words equal truth. That humans are as truthful as they would appear, especially when living in a kennel of chaos. There is no industry standard for an apology. Therefore to forgive or not isn’t so much based on the apology, but within the conscience of the “injured” party.

Then again, many a man or woman has uttered a temporary heart felt “sorry” because their need for forgiveness was greater than the need for the apology. So perhaps, when the words - the right words - words that can be heard and felt as real are spoken, there is no need to wonder if they are genuine or not. That is where the beauty of stepping up to the plate and being a real deal man or a real deal women is worth the uncomfortable feeling of accepting we were wrong, doing the right thing, in a way it can be accepted.

Have a naughty day!

Men in Tights and Frozen Yogurt

2009-03-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I have been married for a happy 15 years. Now she wants to make some changes in what has been the status quo. Some of the changes, I am not comfortable with. For the record, I am not a stick in the mud (she says I am), but I would be happier if things were the way they used to be. Is that so unreasonable?
Greg, Santa Barbara

Dear Greg,
Along with the resurrection of frozen yogurt it seems popular, even news worthy to redefine definitions. Now a little light bondage never hurt anyone, but when a country has laws to define what is and what is not humane, it doesn’t seem like there should be any way to wiggle out of that particular rope. Speaking of rope and wiggling, how can we tell which ropes can be tightened, knotted or given a whole lot of slack in a relationship?

How much reinventing can we do after we have pledged ourselves to another as we are? If a contract has been reached with the consideration agreed upon up front, is it correct to assume that the definitions that have been implied and implemented can’t be substituted or even canceled? If they are, where is the memo? And where is the lawyer?

William Shakespeare along with creating stupendously romantic plays and sonnets was never above inventing a word or two when the Elizabethan lexicon was lacking. Many a brand new word graced not just the stage and the men in tights, but found it’s way into the vocabulary we (some of us anyway) use today. Does this imply that when we find ourselves in the mode to create something new it is really because need is dictating the desire? Would we want something different if we had real satisfaction? Do you truly feel happy eating frozen yogurt when you really wanted a hot fudge sundae?

It is profundus obsequious (I made that up) to think that even our small decisions and changes don’t have the possibility of impacting another person. It is impossible for a couple to know everything that is going to show up in a marriage, but rolling-together with change is a must. Just for fun, try these questions together and see what happens:

Is the current division of household chores fair? Under what circumstances would not working be okay? If each of our families wants to include us in holiday celebrations this year how do we decided what we want to do? When in a true partnership everything is a joint decision. Even if an all time favorite luncheon item is no longer on the shopping list, all concerned parties need to be notified and consulted as to why!

If someone is planning on returning to school, wants a baby (or a puppy), or has a burning desire to go to Oregon and live in a small cabin, you are way past the memo stage. Darling Greg, Boys and Girls, sad but true, you have been lied too. Not all is fair in love and war. There are boundaries that may not be crossed no matter what. We as humans would never have come as far as we have if it wasn’t for empathy. A high degree of empathy is imperative for a great relationship. Open consulting with one and other is out of basic respect and the wisdom of knowing that a little pebble can make a very big wave.

Have a naughty day!

Growl Man cub growl!

2009-03-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
One of my friends is dating a man considerably her junior….20 years difference between them. She asked me about it and I told her honestly that I thought it was pointless. I suppose I was being harsh considering there is so much approval for “cougars” these days, but seriously, what is the point?
Charlotte, Santa Barbara

Dear Charlotte,
Pencils, arrows and speeches have a point but when it comes to judging the why’s and why not's of relationships, there is always a point or two missing. Relationships are by nature devoid of an anything resembling a concise and reasonable rationale for their existence anyway. It seems to be part of the eternal intrigue that compels us to believe in something that can so easily turn out to be nothing. Desperately, we try to make sense out of something that just isn’t that clear-cut. Relationships are both the brittle shards of beach glass, lying just under the sand to cut a tender foot - and the smoothly polished little gems that wash up after a wild storm at sea. It all depends on what or whom we are willing to weather.

There are countless cliché’s regarding the time old tradition of younger women with older men. There are as many jokes, movies and cartoon drawings as there are little blue pills in the world. Now gaining on, and perhaps surpassing, the Geezer-dogs are the Cougars. Just in case you are thinking: “How did she work cats into yet another column?” I will enlighten those in need. A cougar is the term for a woman that is dating a man more than 10 years her junior. He is called the man-cub. And the baseball he plays isn’t in Chicago.

The media - also known as the official brainwashing arm of the US Government - just loves these girls! They provide the Siren’s call to flip the old standard into what “mature” women want. Does anyone really want to be with a somebody that thinks Journey is a travel agency from the 80’s? Date a man that believes that bras were burnt because there wasn’t central heating way back when, and thinks Jerry Garcia really is a high-fat dairy product?

There are so many reasons that we decide or want to believe that someone is suitable for us. Suitable might be for a day, a month, a year or even longer. A safe harbor in trying times or a wickedly rugged ship for the wild and foamy trip of a lifetime. Who is to say what is right and what is not? Statistics like to keep us in check with their finger- waggling know–it-all-ness, and the stats say that the “ideal” age for partners is within five years of each other. Could this be true?

Religion, politics, upbringing and beliefs are as much players in the game of match as any age difference. It is the fundamental differences - whatever they are - that occupy the largest space between us. This is where one of the key relationship truths likes to hide. Truth number one is this: The similarities between us make life together easier. These congruencies are common ground-rules that we know and love, because they are safe and we know where we stand. Have there been very effective relationships between people of great differences? Of course - but look within and you will see that there is a deeply shared and common bond: the passions behind the differences. They are inevitably more the same than they are not.

Darling Charlotte, and Boys and Girls; if the ties that bind us are the thread to happiness, then looking for the similar is the kinder, gentler path to bliss. But if we are not looking for bliss, or even a cheap imitation of deep meaning, it doesn’t really matter what animal we date - or what phase of life they are in. What is of consequence is not whom we are with, but why. That is really the pointed question - and answering that will generally be harder with someone that doesn’t speak exactly the same language. Capish?

Have a naughty day!

Silent Wedding Bells

2009-03-06T16:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My fiancé and I have decided the typical wedding isn’t for us. We are thinking that eloping is! It seems a great way to eliminate the hype and pressure of a wedding, and just gets to grips with what it is really is about: us. My fiancé is close to her family and is concerned that some feelings might be hurt. Do you think anyone could really be that upset?
Thomas, Santa Barbara

Dear Thomas,
According to the modern oracle of Delphi, otherwise known as Wikipedia, to elope, most literally, means to run away. More specifically, elopement is often used to refer to a marriage conducted in sudden and secretive fashion, usually involving hurried flight away from one's place of residence.

Hurried flights away? 18 month out bookings for a trendy venue? It is no wonder that as the day light increases, so do all the questions regarding the contretemps (look it up) that surround the- oh- so -blessed nuptials of which some humans fondly embrace. Flower girls and ring boys, tired cakes and every shade of white dresses.

For our discussion let’s have Camp A and B. There are variations of Camp A, but essentially the battle cry is for lots of tulle (look it up) and extra-special everything. Camp B has a whole different set of rules to go by. No fluff allowed here. Camp B, under the guise of anti commercialism, frugality and realism, stays as far away from the A-list of necessities as possible. Without the apparent trappings of “the best day of your life” to guide them through the myriad choices that can bamboozle the clear essence of wedded bliss, they strip it down and make it simple. Two people, a piece of government paper and any port with a sober witness or two.

So is the idea behind a wedding simply to capture something that is missing and needs to be put in place for phase two of relationship development? Is an elopement as much of a statement as a $100,000 floral and cake extravaganza? Regardless of the venue, or lack thereof, is the ritual bigger than the both of you?

Even with more than one “I do” under this cat’s belt, honestly and without reservation, I say “I do” to commitment - however it unfolds. Does this mean that noses shall be bent out of shape if a bride and groom or groom and groom or bride and bride or dog and cat get married without the hoopla or chuppah (look I up)?

Weddings, like funerals as well as other rituals of the human experience, tend to bring out all sorts of charming little aspects of our diverse natures. It is difficult to separate our projections of what we want - not only for ourselves, but for others at intense and memorable times. See how easy it is to project? Perhaps all moments of a wedding, in the style of Camp A or B are intense and memorable in their own way. Maybe getting a really good black olive and extra cheese pizza AFTER the simple nuptial is the highlight of a non-wedding wedding. As long as all is good in the kingdom of two, the villagers must put aside their self-imposed thoughts and get over it. At least until the next wedding or non-wedding.

Darling Thomas, and Boys and Girls, there is nothing that stops anyone from having hurt or slighted feelings, whether they have missed a moment that will never come again or round two of the Elizabeth Taylor School of Wedded Bliss. However, the law of unintended consequences is always on alert. It would be remiss to be blasé -that there might be some damage control necessary and appropriate. Of course that is nothing that a shared bottle of champagne and some cake, any cake wouldn’t fix.

Have a naughty day!

Birds of Destruction and Happy Days

2009-02-27T16:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend and I are the best of friends and have been together for 5 years. We truly enjoy each others company in all ways and have a smooth and healthy relationship. Because it is so good and now we have been together so long, everyone asks when we are getting married. My question is why would anyone wanted to get married when the divorce rate is so high? Thanks from both of us.
Kelly, Santa Barbara

Dear Kelly,
I write my column by a window and outside there is a small and sweet patio garden filled with potted flowers and herbs. Last year, Robins came and nested in a hanging fern. The birds didn’t build the nest; they homesteaded one that was already there, regardless, the little free loaders happily set up house. After a while the subtle chirping of very small voices could be heard, five in fact, because I peaked. The little ones grew up and flew away. The parents left for Vegas. A month later another fern was homesteaded. Because birds don’t dress or use accessories I couldn’t recognize if the birds were the original pair, but nevertheless, baby bird camp was set up again. Chirping and then the inevitable spying ensued. Five more baby birds to fly around the world.

Then something happened. One sunny morning a giant ruckus was heard and after all the noise there was stillness. Going out to investigate, two Robins lay dead on the patio, under the fern and all the babies were dead. A large black bird was seen flying away. After a solemn burial and many thoughts about life, death and the nature of things-a year went by.

Last night while looking out towards the patio I remembered the wholesale slaughter in paradise. When evil swooped in and made chaos of a peaceful and prosperous existence. I remembered how insanely random and yet not, the innocent deaths seemed. I thought I couldn't possibly see a bird nesting outside of the window ever again.

This morning I watered the pots in paradise. I saw a Robin. Then another bringing sticks and a deed of title to the fern.

So, is nature so stupid as to not have learned from the past? Or is nature so intelligent to understand that nothing risked is nothing gained? Does the eventual outcome not matter, but the process is where we grow and learn and there is never a guarantee-even in an apparently safe fern?

It is the same with marriage. One can never know what might lurk even in the bright light of morning. And although most Americans get married at some point in their life, among those who have said their wedding vows, one out of three have been divorced at least once. So if four out of every five adults have been married at least once, it would seem that we as humans believe that nesting together is a good idea.

Among adults who have been married, more than a third have experienced at least one divorce. Does that mean that we have grown easy with the idea that divorce is as a natural part of life? Could it be that our expectations of marriage have reached new heights and we as a people want something better than our counterparts did 50 plus years ago? There are many ways to interpret statistics!

Perhaps part of the the numbers game is that there is no stigma attached to divorce anymore. The neighbors don’t panic when a divorcee moves into a housing tract with 3 little kids and a short skirt. No one is threatened since they have short skirts of their own! So could divorce really be an unavoidable rite of passage due to the fact that we live longer and might realistically be better off seeking a different partner for each phase of adult life? It’s possible.

It is also possible that we, like the Robins don’t plan or provide for possible trouble. Like little children with a match, a cookie, and a flashlight, we are experimental and experience-driven rather than desiring knowledge about marriage and relationships from objective information and teachings. Just like the birdies we prefer to follow our uneducated instincts and do damage control when we can, if we can. With that mind-set it is no wonder, we retain such a high divorce rate.

Darling Boys, Girls and Kelly, the birds are back in town because there is something in our nature as well as in our society that finds marriage pleasing. There is a reason that 50th anniversaries are marked with $1000 an ounce gold instead of bird seed. It matters to us as people. The idea of commitment and history. The chance to learn as much as one can about another human being throughout the good, the bad and the ugly, in what is called life. That Kelly is why marriage, for better or worse endures. This spring and summer when throwing bird seed at a newly married bride and groom, remember the Robins and that he or she who dares always wins.

Have a naughty day!

Eternally Yours, Most of the Time

2009-02-20T16:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I have been separated for the past year. He says he has changed his ways and wants to give “us” another chance. We have three teens, a business, and I still have feelings for him. If I knew with certainty that it would work out, I would say yes, but I just don’t know and I don’t want to go through really tough times yet again. How can you know that maybe this time it will work out?
VC, Santa Barbara

Dear VC,
As the poets say, hope springs eternal and as I say, so do promises. People make and listen to promises because they are eternally hopeful. Politicians make promises to get elected, because if they told the real truth no one would vote for them. With the old adage “it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission” tattooed on what ever part of the body won’t show up in a swimsuit, they make their pledges to get us to punch our ballots. A partner in a relationship makes promises because if they told the real truth - that they really couldn’t be sure of anything - one might not be willing to take any chances. So when a person beseeches another for something, be it a vote or a marriage or another chance (and especially after a serious altercation), caution should be duly enforced. To help remember the lesson, spell chance backwards. It means means nothing and never will.

A “bail out” is a verb and the definition is to aid, deliver, release, relieve, rescue or spring. Example: When a small boat is taking on water due to leaks in the hull, one takes a bucket and removes the water from the boat so the boat stays afloat. Is this a permanent fix or just a temporary measure? If you said temporary you’re right - so why are “bail outs” in relationships considered a permanent fix?

Good intentions are no more than a bit of pink bubble gum over a leaky hole. Eventually the gum loses its stickiness and whatever was attempting to gain access, now has a passport to the Promised Land. (See how those promises sneak their way in???) So if good intentions should have been a Beach Boys song instead of a back-door way to gain access, could time really be the great healer? Time certainly has the PR department of the universe. Yes, working 24/7 on this little promise, time claims to fade hurts and heal hearts. Of course time is sharing the PR department with most wrinkle creams and the government, so it isn’t what it used to be.

Time does allow jets to cool and perspective to change. Unfortunately, it also allows the intense sting of damage to slip away from memory. For a relationship this can be dangerous. Remember the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?” It is rare, like the spotted Norwegian Forest Cat (no such thing) that people change. They can modify, adapt, and convert themselves into something different when they have enough motivation to do so. However it is a never-ending process and a path seldom traveled by most.

Since the man in question says he wants to give “us” another chance; my guess is that he is someone that hasn’t yet been willing to accept responsibility for what happened. He is putting the problem on the both of you, and if so, even after a year; there is no change that matters. All that makes a difference is embracing and braving the challenges ahead to have something better. A lot better.

Boys and Girls and VC; if someone is willing to not forget, but embrace, the past and use it to further the future, you have half a chance. If someone is committed to change on a forever basis you have three quarters of a chance, but the reason it’s called a chance is because there are no - and never will be - any guarantees. Chance has nothing to do with luck. Like opposite ends of a broom, both are useful but seldom used together.

Have a naughty day!

Cards, Concepts and the Color of Jealosy

2009-02-13T16:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have a woman friend and I want to give her a Valentine’s card but I am not so sure my wife will like the idea. For the record, the friend really is a friend. She is just a woman I know and admire. My question is how do I go about this and still be a sensitive husband? By the way, I would also like to know why women are so jealous.
Scott, Santa Barbara

Dear Scott,
It is within the confines of true insanity to think there is anything remotely resembling “fair” when it comes to relationships. It is almost as ridiculous as having children make sure EVERYONE is included in the distribution of mass-produced Valentine’s cards which are signed by – everyone else. Don’t these do-gooding parents and teachers know that a really good valentine is supposed to be anonymous, and a matter of choice? Isn’t that part of the charm and fun, especially when five and flirting for the first time?

So speaking of choices, when it comes down to all the worthy people in one’s life, how does one go about the oh-so-delicate task of bestowing a heart-felt token on someone that is not the main event? Is it worth the potential trouble? Should there even be any trouble? Most importantly: Is the big V defined as a day for acknowledging only lovers and love or anyone that makes us happy? And when did the lover’s holiday turn into a festival for Hallmark? It seems that Valentine’s Day can spark as many questions as a potential wedding guest list!

This mass confusion isn’t all that surprising when one considers that for many, what really is on the end of Cupids arrow is not love, but security and well being. Just because shop windows are decked out in pink and red, doesn't mean that the green–eyed monster isn’t lurking just behind red roses somewhere. Jealousy knows no vacation, especially on a truly red-letter day; when hearts can turn hellacious and green mixed with red is just an ugly dingy brown.

Emotional evolution - or rather the lack of it - is what this color-coded collection of feelings is really all about. It would be nice to believe that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and that people have grown beyond the “petty” emotions that make for soap operas and reality-show-like dramas. The cold (as the ice around a champagne bottle) truth is that the vast majority haven’t - and it’s not looking like they ever will grow beyond being emotional “Mini-Me’s”.

It is an intrinsic fact that we all want to be our number one’s, well, number one. Anything that tramples on that becomes a threat - and whether we want to admit it or not, no one is completely immune from a heart shaped box of insecurity, be it big or really really really tiny. The possibility of a threat is felt not from our mature, grown-up, and well educated on all things physiological self, it is heard, seen and felt from the inner little self that isn’t always so sure about the big and scary world it lives in.

Sure as there are matching panties with bras, we are still at the mercy of our basic and primal need for survival, and therefore if within a relationship our partner feels a twinge of something that isn’t so wonderful, I think our job as a loving person is to listen, accept their minor insecurities, and respect their wishes. Whatever those wishes are. Perhaps if we felt more understood and loved, absolutely and completely, by that special other person - regardless of our idiosyncrasies and foibles - we would feel a bit safer and stronger in the world at large.

Darling Scott, and Boys and Girls: If intimacy and empathy are the milk and dark chocolates in the relationship box, security is the white one with the nuts. It isn’t crazy to admit that security feels really good and isn’t feeling good what it is all about? Isn’t that ultimately why we choose to be in a relationship? A healthy primary relationship is good for our health, both mental and physical. It bolsters our ego and gives us a refuge when we needed it. When something does all that, and finds excellent burritos at 10pm on a rainy night, it is more than alright to focus on one person and no one else. So right now, officially by the powers vested in me (by myself) as Santa Barbara’s very own Ambassotrix of Relationships, I hereby declare February 15th the day for cards that belong to friends but never lovers.

Have a naughty Valentine’s Day!

Aim High and Fire Well

2009-02-06T16:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am sure you are well aware that Valentine’s Day (your favorite holiday???) is fast approaching and I have to confess, it is my least favorite. It seems that female expectations run high and there is no choice but to participate in the frenzy. I really don’t want to. I don’t want to be told when I should show love for my girl. The whole thing is worse than Christmas. If I don’t do anything-am I dog?
Dave, Santa Barbara

Dear Dave,
Gestures of romance along with the songs that conjure up the sweetest of memories - the tokens that tell someone they are indeed special - are never wrong on any day. As ancient pagans had days of worship to honor the changing of seasons and the mysteries of life, we modern-day men and women have our days to show respect, love and compassion. What do you think the 4th of July is really about? Hot dogs? However, it can be true, that with the passing of time some of the original intent becomes a bit faded or over-hyped. Look at all the silliness surrounding the recent Sunday Super-ball toss. Sometimes there is little to remind us of a red letter day’s significant origins and then it does seems like something to hide from within the safe and comforting confines of a dog house.

When we do choose to reflect on either the original meaning or the more personal rituals we have installed into our own reality - a day becomes a day which is not like any other, and isn’t that is what Valentine’s is really all about? Taking time to make one day really special, no matter what your personal opinion of Hallmark might be? Pardon my highly idealistic ruminations of the subject, but isn’t love all about loving someone by their definition of love?

There are a few, the proud, the men and women that knowingly convey the deep and abiding love they feel for their SO on a daily basis. There are others that, a bit less often than everyday, manage to reconnect their romance, even with all the business that is life. There is still another group, the after a fight or when they take a vacation contingent that manage to put something into the relationship pot of gold. Over all, most of us never say I love you enough and more importantly really mean it when we say it.

Sure we love our person, but are we really invested in feeling it when we say it? Is saying it and meaning it- but not REALLY feeling it alright? As long as we remember to say it, doesn’t it count? Let’s be honest. There are times that we do say it but we are certainly not really in the present moment enough to be MEANING it in a way that conveys all that little word really means. Some of the time, that is alright…no one is that perfect or should ever feel that much pressure.

Therefore Valentine’s Day is a glorious opportunity dressed up in hearts and flowers along with the hit man of all time…Cupid. Ready, fire and aiming to put an arrow where we really want it. Right in the center of a heart. To make a heart-stopping moment and complete awareness present. A chance to make the two a one again, reflect on just why this particular relationship exists and then enjoy it! ( Remember that reminiscing about the “old days’ is guaranteed to bring you closer than fleas on a dog!)

So is all the hoo-haa because some people (read men) don’t like the commercialization of such a moment? The roses, the candy, the lingerie (of course!) are tools. As is a turkey, a string of lights or a bottle of Super Bowl beer. (Ever wonder why the Super bowl is just before Valentine’s? I do.)

The tool is the honest feeling in print so to speak. It becomes a tangible not done every day gesture to make someone feel really good. Now, if you love someone why would you not want to participate? Is this the hill you really want to die on? Literally?

Darling Dave, and Boys and Girls, one caveat here - if you really don’t feel the love, don’t play. That is hypocrisy and there is nothing romantic about that. If fact, I have spoken with Cupid and you will be shot on site (poison dart-not the love one) and no one will have any sympathy for you.

The best part of love is always the authentic real deal. The ways in which to say it are as many as there are couples. And Dave, seriously no one goes to jail for using daisy’s instead of roses or really big cookies instead of dinner. They only thing that might be a confusing message is crotch less panties (god forbid!) instead of something with a bit more coverage! So say it how you mean it, but for loves’ sake and yours…mean it when you say it and mean it often.

Have a naughty day!

Buffet Dating and Sooner or Later

2009-01-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am single and have met a very nice man through the internet dating system. He is everything I want as a mate, may be for life. We see each other almost every day and have a very comfortable relationship. Well... I just got a new person showing up on my internet dating email and he looks even better than the guy I am with now. He is slightly younger and better looking too. Now my question to you is what do I do!! May be I am missing out the chance for the perfect man for me or do I just stop opening my emails with these new matches? I read your column every week and trust your advice so help me ... p l e a s e.
Ms. Greener Grass, Carpinteria

Dear Grass,
Perhaps Miss Kitty has been caught on a bad day, but seriously can anyone write that they have found everything they want in a mate, maybe for life and within the same paragraph say there is a slightly younger and even better looking guy…that might be the ticket? Would anyone that reads this column ever think they would read something sweet and comforting at this point from moi? In a nutshell instead of my usual onionesque-layer like- prose …Ms Greener…do the dating world a favor and join a nunnery.

One of the hall marks of the final (only sounds bad) relationship is that the desire to perspire with anyone else fades away. At least in the early days and for some more enlightened souls it disappears for a lifetime. There are no lingering glances over the fence towards the best looking beef in the field, because chicken man for all his sins has your loyal attention. So is it reasonable to wonder if something out there is better? Have you not been paying attention? It is not reasonable nor ever will be to wonder without the sanctimonious truth that if you want to look, wonder or deal with a daily dalliance via the internet-the relationship you are in is not the relationship for you.

We do not own our partners. We are single entities going around the game of life. We do however owe our partners respect at all times. Why? Boys and Girls, if someone else chooses to throw in their all….swear off all the abs of steel and buns of bliss….kiss off instead of kiss the perfect princes and princesses that live just over the gate of Green Grass Kingdom.com you owe them undying- obligatory-no excuse respect. And sometimes respect means letting them know the truth. That you are honest with yourself and still need to look. There is nothing wrong with looking, but there is something seriously wrong with thinking you have found “the one”, but maybe just in case, you should keep the laptop on and your match profile active.

The truth is we don’t need to be with anyone. There are life lessons which are painfully hard which teach this truism. We may feel, at times we do really need someone. We may feel we just can’t live without someone ala Romeo and Juliet. This all goes the way of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy when someone beloved dies. We then realize, we can live without anyone. We have to. Our lives and our destiny are ours alone and although entwined with others…those entwinements are based on choice. If you look closely, when need is involved it is usually just this side of a set up with a Gold Diggers premium package. Blonde included.

Darling Greener, Boys and Girls, dating can be like eating aboard a cruise ship. With a pre-paid price for everything one feels almost obligated to stuff like a Grizzly pre- winter hibernation. However, like the bear a long break of little activity is required after such a binge, otherwise being slow and sluggish from the overindulgence someone will shoot and then stuff you. Fine dining is so much safer. Take your time over the restaurant, judiciously peruse the menu and then see based on prior experience what will really make your palate sing. Commit and order up your dish of choice. Here is the best part, if it isn’t everything you hoped for-you can send it back and try again! Here is the part Greener won’t like-you can’t order two dishes, eat them both and then send back the one you didn’t like. Not without paying for it sooner or later!

Have a naughty day!

Wise Women, Fundamentals and Getting to Next!

2009-01-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I’ve met a man who had a flawless intro. I was smitten from the start and I am picky. We share many qualities and we are broken in the same way. The dating was great until I told him that I would like to go out to dinner, not just the two bars we hang out in. I asked about walks, hiking, movies, anything other than just the bars. My suggestions were yah-yah-yah until after several girl fits, we finally had a wonderful dinner date. The price I paid was high and I don’t mean the bill. I want to get to know this man without alcohol and “the scene” getting in the way. BTW, we have been dating for 3 months with no sex. This is different for me but being older and wiser I think this is the best way. It feels serious but it seems he is resistant to really getting to know me and me him. Isn’t this the way people get to know each other, to see if it will work by spending time just one on one? How can he tell if we are the match I think we are if he won’t spend time just with me? Is he waiting for something? BTW he has told me he has a check list in his head (I don’t know what it is).
Thank you for listening,
Gypsy Muse, Santa Barbara

Dear Gypsy,
Weather stations are indirectly very busy little hubs of quality guidance. Umbrella day? Beach day? Flash flood day other wise known as really high boots day? It all helps and guides us when party planning, dressing, or traveling. Can we imagine a world without any precipitation predictions? In the perfect world there would be dating forecasters. They would know within a 95% accuracy rate just how likely our potential “right” was or was not. They would detect storms on the horizon and let us know when sunny skies prevail. Alas, there is no such thing, except for the barometer that lives in the middle of your gut. It knows all.

Most of us can look up and see cantankerous grey clouds gathering overhead and predict a stormy day, but when a cloudy future is sitting, already making life gloomy and dark, right across from us, we can not see it. Do we not want to see it? We sense but are not willing to throw off the wet blanket and get a rain check for someone better. Better the bad weather we know, than the sunny sky that is somewhere else?

Although Gypsy Muse has enough fodder to keep Miss K in rare form for several columns, zeroing in on the obvious that plagues so many daters seems the most helpful. Why do we insist on working with something that isn’t working? Why must we wear a white sundress in a torrential downpour? Do we really want our knickers bared along with our very soul?

Fundamentals belong to the wise. Getting to know someone takes time and that time needs to be spent where there is enough quiet to hear what is being said and what is not. Space to see what delights, insults, interests, amuses someone else. To take the puppy into different situations and see how it performs! Alright, that last one wasn’t nice but truly necessary and we all know it.

If someone can’t fathom the importance and excitement of trying out a few different venues to chat away the small hours, let alone wants to spend time together, they are not what anyone wants. They may be what you think you need because of some ill-founded sense of self, but the lack of willingness to do something so normal, so benign, and generally thought of as “nice”, tells it like it is.

Darling Gypsy, Boys and Girls, agonizing over the possible reasons why and rationalizing the most obvious and blunt truth away only postpones the inevitable. Does it matter why someone does what they do so early in the game? NO! We are not currently interested in the “other” side of this. Chances are there is no logical reason why he doesn’t see beyond the bars that currently encase this relationship. Since your heart is only bound by chains of “what if’ and not real love, repeat after me, NEXT!

Have a naughty day!

Big bad wolfs and the year of dating differently

2009-01-02T15:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
During the entire week I have heard people talking about whether they will make - or not make - New Years Resolutions. Most people didn’t seem to want to make them. After 10 years of mediocre relationships of various lengths I’ve decided to make a big resolution. I will date differently this year, since what I have done in the past has never worked out. The big question is: What should the crucial difference be?
Ready for change, Santa Barbara

Dear Ready,
According to a recent survey of 2,386 adults, 58% of the men said they made a New Years resolution and 74% of the women. If you believe those responding to such surrealistic surveys, 22% of the men always or often keep their resolutions, while only 12% of the women could say the same thing. Miss Kitty has never been a big fan of statistics; since there are more variables in the human spirit than tricks in Felix the Cat’s bag, but what is worthy of attention is the disparity between the sexes in committing to making the jump to resolve, versus actually accomplishing the final goals.

Committing to make a resolution is only one (but a big) part of the equation. In fact, just choosing from our laundry list of potential “could be betters” can be daunting. Facing up to – and facing off with - one’s own detriments is always a sobering task, that requires great introspection. As the Big Bad Wolf says, “All the better to see you my dear”. Yes, finally understanding our own pitfalls, shortcomings and other yucky bits makes it possible for us to change our path through the treacherous woods of life.

Little Red Riding Hood never got it. She met the same wily wolf in different parts of the forest, falling for the same old slick canine-lines over and over again. It took an outside source, the woodsman, to rescue her. In the real world, although most women fantasize about a burly wood-worker sweeping them off their feet, the only real rescue that will last a lifetime is the one we do for ourselves. The wolves, even though deceptive to others, are actually being true to their image and themselves. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, a little black dress and heels or wearing a Rolex and driving a BMW; is just that, still a big bad wolf.

So Ready, and Darling Boys and Girls, the answer to the BIG question is thus: The crucial difference you seek is in knowing why we do what we do on the surface and below. It is making the necessary enlightening changes in the self before we venture into the dangerous woods. If we have resolved to deeply question ourselves through honestly reviewing our past, we are armed with knowledge. Knowledge can then be implemented into healthy rules to follow and a safety check system for ourselves. If we have elevated ourselves to the next step and made ourselves accountable to an overseeing outsider, then we have begun the process for better choices and therefore, resolution success.

The denial we make when we choose to not improve ourselves and our circumstances gives us the opportunity to make the same mistakes over and over again. Acknowledging that we don’t like dealing with wolves is never enough to keep us and our picnic basket safe. If the picnic basket is our soul, our deepest reasons for wanting to live well, then “grandmother” is the hopeful outcome of all our dreams. Getting to grandma doesn’t have to be a treacherous trek, it can be a delightful stroll though very fresh air, where wolves don’t stand a chance, and your cloak can be any color you choose.

Have a naughty day!

Once a Wallet, Always a Wallet

2008-12-19T15:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a wonderful woman who had just relocated to SB from an affluent area Our previous two dates had gone very well and I wanted to make a third dinner date with her. I offered two suggestions for our date which were more than adequate, but she wanted to “upgrade” my suggestions into the best place in town. I softly interjected that I reserved this place for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries etc. - this was met by silence on the phone for what seemed like an eternity.To her credit, she did back off and accepted a mutually agreed upon restaurant - however I ended up by canceling the date because I couldn’t get over the feeling that she was dating my wallet and not me. Please provide us girls and guys Miss Kitty’s appropriate protocol for do’s and don’ts on accepting dinner dates.
Not the Wallet - Santa Barbara

Dear NTW,
Congratulations on receiving one of the highly coveted Miss Kitty ‘Real Man of the Year” Awards! Sticking to your chosen code of values with integrity and staying solidly the authentic “You” - even though coerced by the intimidating silence of this “wonderful’ woman - is a critical male moment for you, worthy of receiving the RMY. Without significant self-torture or ceremony you remained steady and on-track, taking the high road of independence and self-rule. Your ultimate reward, of course, is that you are not stuck spending your time with a potential gold digger, a pushy broad, or someone who can manipulate you through as many doors as humanly possible. In other words, without any doubt, you dodged a bullet - and for that you can be grateful. As Michael French, Stylist to the Stars says: “Next!”

In this last week before the demanding year ends, tilting us towards the (hopefully) more benevolent 2009, let’s all take stock of where we are in the dating pool or in our current relationship, and make sure we are being as real as the red nose on Santa’s numero-uno sled puller. Oh wait….a luminous schnozz on a flying reindeer named Rudolph wouldn’t be real, would it? See how hard it can be to discern reality about someone? Therefore, since we can’t change others and using discernment spells went out with the Salem witch trials, how we choose to conduct ourselves when faced with the inevitable tests they throw at us, is the next best thing to a date that doesn’t order an entire rack of ribs on a first date. NTW, you passed “wonderful’s” eatery-selection test with flying colors, because your conduct stayed firmly aligned with your ideals.

In the last twenty years the accepted protocol of dating has changed dramatically. Dating by keyboard and cell phone, instead of rendezvousing by clicking ice in a smoky den of ill-repute, demands that the protocol of who (pays) and where (we eat) must be very clear. And since everyone is capable of wearing the pants and therefore has pockets- no one should assume that the man always needs a wallet.

Speaking of wallets, they are now as easily filled by men as by women. Imagine that! What makes modern dating confusing is that the equality aspect plays havoc with the hard wired instinct to be a chaser and a chasee. Which brings us back again to knowing your own mind. The rules of dating are easily mutable, but what your comfort level is, is not. Cindy can ask out Mike for dinner and a movie, now Mike must leave any expectation of a good night kiss at the bottom of the popcorn bag. How honorable it is, that in today’s world, the obligatory good night kiss is no longer bought and paid for in advance; or that by Mike taking Cindy to the Ritziest joint in town, he expects anything more than a kiss worthy of Taco Bell.

The basic rule of wallets is thus: If there is pleasure in the paying then by all means indulge. If there is trepidation or a feeling of being bought then pay your own way. A corollary to the rule of wallets is: If you are the askor, you should expect to pay – but in return, as askor you have first dibs on where you go to spend your hard-earned dough. By this corollary, NTW, an alternate response to “wonderful” could have been: “Sure, we can go to (insert upscale Santa Barbara restaurant here) – do you want me to drop you by the ATM before so you pick up some cash?

Because dating rules are no longer dressed up in a zoot suit with an overcoat of social convention, it is up to the individuals involved to decide what feels good and what is comfortable. A wealthy icon like Warren Buffet might prefer his beloved Dairy Queen to the Four Seasons – but he is comfortable enough in his own skin to know what he wants, and why. Any less-than-authentic testing woman would be completely off-base in trying to correlate Mr. Buffet’s taste in restaurants with the size of his wallet.

There can no longer be the expectation of anything therefore if someone does the asking they do the paying. If someone is a decent human being who understands give and take and is not a game-playing sponge-of-a-taker, they know enough to be gracious and accept the offering of a date as a gift. NTW and boys and girls, seek out those decent souls to spend your time with and money on. Avoid the rest like the plague. To put it in simple terms we all can understand, to parody Johnny Cochran: “If you don’t want to be sucked dry, then you must say good bye”!

Have a naughty day!

Under the Mistletoe

2008-12-18T16:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been going out with my BF for 11 months. We have a great relationship, talk about the future and he acts like he loves me, but he has never said the magic words. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and all I really want is for him to say, “I love you.” Is this setting myself up or being true to myself?
Waiting under the Mistletoe

Dear Waiting:
When Christmas morning rolls around wouldn’t be amazing, if under the fragrant tree, there was a pile of beautifully wrapped, empty boxes. Silky ribbons lavishly tied around them, they contain the invisible, but vitally important presents that really matter to us. Detailed instructions included of course, to make sure we understand both the value and the implied messages that are inherent in such precious gifts. We un- wrap them in wonder, to discover the tangible manifestations of what we need - alongside the harder-to-pin-down aspects of ethereal wants.

Put “truth”, that most magnificent of all treasures right on the top of the pile, with all the tricky little accessories that come with it. The multitude of small parts that are so easy to lose, but necessary if the complex gift is going to work at full, honest capacity. If you are giving this priceless gift, you will need to purchase a guarantee for this one - and make sure it is a lifetime guarantee which covers parts and labor. Lots of labor, for it is a labor of love to maintain this valuable bequest, and keep track of those tiny little pieces that don’t always seem important until you find one of them missing.

The next box, wrapped up in silver paper with a deep blue velvet bow, just screaming, “Open me first!” is “Time”. The simple pleasure of more than a moment and less than a lifetime; the freeing satisfaction of having someone else do something special, just for you. When Miss K was a mere credit card-less kitten, scribbling away making homemade coupons for cups of tea and car washes, she never knew the value of what she was giving away. Now a grown up and perpetually busy cat, the idea of truly free time – time that is all yours - is on par with zero calorie cinnamon rolls. It’s always treasured to give of yourself, even if your tea-making skills would get you fired at the local Starbucks.

Wrapped in the most exquisite, but difficult to open box, “I love you” is the ultimate gift of no return and no exchange. You are not only giving of yourself, but making a commitment of never-ending work. And this is the best sort of work – a true labor of love. The Lego castle of love has endless pieces, instructions that are sometimes indecipherable and pending revision on most days, and when the castle gets stepped on by life, you have to put in the time and energy to put it back together again. When combined with the gift of truth and an unwavering commitment, sometimes the rebuild is even better and stronger than the original.

So darling Boys, Girls and Waiting, when shopping this holiday season, think about what your giving, not what your getting and head to the mall of the ultimate gifts - where price is no object and the payment plans are always reasonable. You can wrap up some truth, throw in some time and know that your gift is not only as good as it gets, but the recipient will think it is even more precious and treasured than you could have ever imagined.

Have a naughty holiday!

At the Bottom of the Waterfall

2008-12-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I was recently widowed and am thinking about dating. What is considered an appropriate time and how do I let my family know without any hurt feelings?
Looking ahead, Santa Barbara

Dear Looking,
When we have lived our life as a twosome, and now circumstance has turned us back into a solo act, the adjustments are far more profound than just getting one cup of tea ready in the morning instead of two. Side by sid, intense grief and pain there is also the unconscious awareness that life continues-and why should it be anything but as sweet as possible? Does anyone have a right to challenge someone’s happiness potential? I think not. There is no time like the present for joy; especially when one has just had breakfast in bed in bed with death.

What a strange world we are thrust into, a place of constant change and constant challenge. Just when it begins to make sense, something happens that forces us to work out our life all over again. If we are lucky we reevaluate our priorities- we make the sadness count for something. If someone has been married for most of their life and then looses that beloved, everything is new again. Including what is and isn’t the person that still has the earth suit on. Finding out just whom we really are, without a partner is a journey un to itself. It is no wonder that most of us will take the devil we know over the devil we don’t most of the time but during a time of need the familiar is longed for as never before. When the familiar is no longer available, do we have any choice but to walk bravely into the unknown?

Darling Looking, Boys and Girls, regardless of the timing, finding warmth and happiness in life is all that good family and real friends want for us. They understand that pain does not cancel out the need for love. Understanding the particular pain of loss is like knowing a really good recipe. You share your story, because we all have one, and hope that it will be of solace to others.

The continuum of human understanding dictates that what ever you need to do, will be understood. Anyone that truly loves you will know that you are not looking for a replacement or a distraction. You are looking for friendship, compassion and passion at a time when they will make a healthy difference as you enter this brave new world alone.

Anyone that can’t find a way to understand can be left alone for now. Your job is to take care of you. Your job is to gently go and explore where millions of men and women have gone before. Now, like the pond below a waterfall, where it is still and quiet, think about you and only you and begin to make sense of your new life.

Have a naughty day!

Letting a Rock be a Rock

2008-11-21T16:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have a friendship with a woman that is platonic. Although we have been friends for years we have drifted apart. I don’t like the idea that we have just faded away from each other but the truth is there isn’t really anything there anymore. I feel like even though it isn’t a “relationship” a “break-up would be better than just doing nothing. Do you think it would be appropriate to break-up if you decide you are no longer interested in a friendship?
Just curious, Santa Barbara

Dear Just Curious,
Somewhere, in every home there is a junk drawer. A catch-all, not always easily closed, but a convenient place to put the simple remnants of life. Red rubber bands rub shoulders with faded souvenirs, receipts so old the IRS doesn’t want them and sample packages of dry cat food. There is nothing in these drawers that we can’t really live without, but because these items have been around for so long they now appear to have a claim of validity. Their sole reason for being is because they have been.

When it comes to lovers and friends, and one has determined the relationship is really an old rubber band, does one need a break-up to clear the field? Is it easier to let go of someone with a formal good-bye? Could a yearly pruning of the Christmas card list be sufficient?

Just as we collect objects we don’t really need, as life goes by - we also collect people. A few are absolutely necessary-they enable us to fulfill our dreams, wake our desires and enjoy life as nothing else can. Considering that a relationship warrants a particular ending implies that it was a relationship of consequence.

When a relationship no longer serves us, for what ever reason, is letting it fade into nothingness as an ending so bad? We humans just don’t like failure. We perceive that the closure of something is often the failure of something. Some relationships are just old habits and if there is nothing present of significance it should feel like nothing when the relationship has faded.

Pretend you are walking on a beach and a little stone of no particular interest takes your fancy. You pick it, turn it over in your palm and put it in your pocket. At the end of the day, while taking off your pants and finding the stone in your pocket, you place it by your bedside. The next morning, with more whim than thought you put the stone into your pocket again. You repeat this for weeks and then all of a sudden you can’t leave the house without the stone. This stone of no particular interest, gathered on a passing thought, now has significance.

So when we have nothing in common anymore, when our lives have pulled us in different directions, when we have changed beyond a relationship’s capacity to hold us, the relationship has become like the little stone. It is a friendship of mode, not of friends. This application applies not only to platonic friends but lovers too, that do not love anymore. Hard as it may be, the little stone is only that and letting it go, without ceremony is appropriate. It also means there is now room in your pocket or your life for something that isn’t just a habit.

Have a naughty day!

Love Me or Leave Me

2008-11-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Every time my boyfriend and I have an argument he says maybe we should just break up. I find this really strange since most of the time we get along extremely well. When he does this I feel panicky and wonder if he is really serious. Since I really don’t think he means it, should I bring up how much it bothers me or leave it alone?
Tina, Santa Barbara

Dear Tina,
With so many possible verbal options in the human experience why is it that to stay together or not to stay together so easily can become the default comment of many arguments? Is it really a smart game plan when a heated discussion about the possibility of new flooring isn’t going in the obvious direction? Is a sneaky plan B to solo status lurking not so far away? Could it just be a throw-back to the simpler days of childhood when running away, red wagon at the ready was a viable option-at least for a few hours? Are we really looking for a way out of the conversation, not the relationship and don’t know how to say so?

Words without actions of consequence are cheap and meaningless. Like a corset without laces, nothing will ever stay where it is supposed to. Whom ever wrote “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was a clinically diagnosed psychopath. Not someone to believe on any topic, least of all human behaviors. Words can and do hurt, and someone using an implied threat-is using power because that is all they think they can do. That someone isn’t feeling like they have choice, even though they certainly do.

The trick when hearing words, used as a weapon or a distraction, is to determine just what the words really mean while remaining as detached as possible. When one is in receipt of difficult comment, it can be hard to put an immediate reaction or desire to retaliate on hold. Could Mr. I -am –out- of -here-really just not have a better way to express what he is thinking and feeling?

It is impossible unless we are best friends with Miss Clair Voyant-French psychic extraordinaire- to guess why anyone does anything. Projecting our fears or own modus operandi will only serve to confuse us and point us in a useless direction. We use a process of elimination to determine why a baby is crying, and because there only a few option we can get it right fifty percent of the time. How hard can it be when a wet diaper, hunger or being picked up for a cuddle is the main event most of the time?

With all the variables that an adult could be feeling there nothing else that works better than –“what’s up doc?”

Darling Tina, Boys and Girls, time to get out the pink highlighters and get serious about you. If you can predict someone else’s behavior- you are into a game. You know it, they know and there is something about the game that works for you both. If you are ready to be real in your relationship here is Miss Kitty’s famous three-part solution when you are ready to stop playing the game. Look cute (not really necessary but always a good move), find a neutral zone and say-

A. “I have told you I don’t like this behavior”

B. “If you continue to do this-I will do X.”

C. Now kids, here is the hardest part, no matter how the begging, pleading, bribing or cajoling goes -you have to stick with what you said in B. Even if very large diamonds or an extremely lovely puppy shows up you may not under any circumstances go back on your word. If you do, nothing will ever change and you are saying loud and clear, that you aren’t ready for anything to be any different. Be very aware of what you decide B is going to be. Think it through, make sure you absolutely mean it and can carry it out to the letter. The letter B.

We are told truths in so many ways and finding out just what that truth is, takes a better listener than a talker. Ascertaining just what is being “said” is almost always uncovered by time, but there are also times when just cutting to the chase is the best solution. In a relationship NO one deserves being threatened or treated without compassion so when it does happen, it is serious and action needs to be taken right away. By they way, if you choose to say nothing you are telling your partner that their behavior is perfectly acceptable-is that what you want to do?

Have a naughty day!

Watching all the Girls Go By

2008-10-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I would like to know why women don’t smile back at me on the street when passing by. There is nothing suspect about my appearance. In fact, I have been told I am a good looking and nice guy to boot. Since when is a genuine smile confused with an invitation to cross the street as quickly as possible?
Snubbed in Santa Barbara

Dear Snubbed,
Your question has me very puzzled since you already know why you don’t get a smile back. But to indulge you- could it be because your smile isn’t really genuine? That is isn’t really a smile just for a smile’s sake? Are the curved lips for certain eyes only and not just a have-a–nice-day kind of smile for the masses?

Now if these are women that look the other way, already know you, then we have a different problem altogether - so let’s assume that these are women that you do not know and who do not know you. Snubbed, let’s face harsh reality: just because you would like to know them, based on a superficial scan across the street, it does not mean that they may have a similar interest in your mug, as friendly and charming as it may be.

If you have any success at all trying to make friends based on such premeditated superficiality, it will most likely lead to a very irrelevant relationship. On the other hand why shouldn’t the street be a place where you can pick someone up willy-nilly with nothing more than a grin? That was a trick question since I know that you know that the street is public place used for private reasons - like going from one place to another. A bar or coffee house is a different sort of place; a place where it becomes more appropriate to smile with the intent to engage someone’s attention.

Miss Kitty admires your attempt, but I am unsure of your true motive – the very one that you might not even be aware of as yet. For lurking in all of us, are unseen phantoms of want and will have. Here’s a way you can explore your concern. A test if you like. Go to a coffee place, book- store, even a supermarket and check out a woman who has “that certain something” that gives you “that certain feeling” and simply smile at her. DO NOT LEAR or look at her as though you’re undressing her. (Take the “who me?” look off your face and pay attention) Say something genuine… like, “Excuse me, I may be out of place, but I am drawn to you.”

Now here’s the tough part …prepare for any of the following...a face slap, a smile with no reply, the frosty-freezy look of a lifetime, or the infinitesimally-small probability that maybe she’ll turn and say: “your place or mine…I have ten minutes!!”

Ok, enough of the fantasy life … in all likelihood none of this will happen – you won’t have the courage to try the “I may be out of place” line and face the (potentially good or bad) consequences; and you will still go about your way and smile from across the street. If the planets align, MAYBE JUST ONCE SHE WILL SMILE BACK…as she walks right out of your life.

However, if you did actually decide to courageously be the genuine “you” in a smile-fest at the coffee shop, regardless of the outcome from her, you have made clear and positive changes to yourself. You will have empowered yourself by expanding your comfort zone - and increased your willingness to take more smiling risks with the opposite sex, regardless of the outcome. With each new smiling introduction, you’ll gain confidence and with each toothy experience you will feel more spontaneous and calm. In short, you will be developing the ability – through practice - to be genuine and simply the real you.

Darling Snubbed, Boys, and Girls, we all know that a smile from a confident, genuine person in an appropriate setting is a more open and inviting smile, than that flimsy grin coming from superficial passers-by, like two ships, one wrecked, on the busy sidewalk of life.

Have a naughty day!

P.S A big thank you to Ron the motor man and RM for their insightful views which greatly helped to answer Snubbed.

Shacking and Shaking Up

2008-10-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My BF and I moved in together a few months ago and now although I still love him, I think it was too soon to set up house together. We are both in our early 20’s. Do you think the relationship will survive if we go back to dating and living apart?
Betty R.

Dear Betty,
When it comes to relationships, sometimes an adjustment works and sometimes it is just putting off the inevitable. The real question is how to determine which is which? When we find ourselves feeling that our relationship choices (either the actual person or the current living configuration) aren’t working, does it mean that what we have- isn’t really what we wanted? When we jumped too far, too fast, can we go back to the beginning and try something different? Truth is always stranger than fiction, so could incompatibility really be a lucky break that allows the dodging of a future bullet like a get-away-car just outside the Chapel of Love?

Just because matching towels look cute and painting a room together can turn into a steamy scene in an R- rated movie, doesn’t mean living together is going to be an accurate test of a relationship’s future potential - and therefore living together is nothing to undertake lightly. Living together is not dating 24-7! Dating means seeing each other when it is convenient with all parties, and generally there is prior notice. Every part of life goes on hold while the date is on. Nice work if you can get it! Living together means you are available most of the time and real life never goes on hold. Part and parcel of living together is realizing the reality is it is what it is and it is pretty good most of the time.

Living with someone, married or not, takes more than just a desire to be together. It takes a sophisticated level of maturity on many levels. It means a lot of wholehearted compromise and adjustment. Depending on where you are in your life, priorities are something that need to be accurately clarified up front. Are you a night owl that needs a constant supply of night life? Is your book-worm partner really alright with that? The basics that come into play when living with someone are bound to rear up and want some attention as well. It is the nature of the beast. Little old things like bills, groceries, and laundry are going to push hot dates, lazy mornings and that devil-may-care attitude right out the window.

Does that mean that once you live together, fun is only for New Year’s Eve and every other birthday? Of course not! But it does mean that life now entails more than just a moment to moment existence which is all about fun. With all of that in the mix it isn’t surprising that shacking up shakes things up faster than a bartender making a drink for 007!

Darling Betty, and Boys and Girls, except for a few roller coasters, nothing comes to mind that goes backwards. Like the rising and setting of the sun, there are natural orders and that must be observed. Whether we like it or not, life moves in a forward progression. We flow in and out of experiences to benefit our continued understanding of the human experience.

There is everything right with making adjustments. We really need to be more comfortable and aware of correcting as we go along instead of waiting until a crisis forces us to change. Change made for crisis alone is impossible to sustain. Betty, moving apart generally doesn’t bring anyone closer - and before you take that step, know that it is never too late to talk things out and see what will make both of you happy in the short and long run.

Have a naughty day!

Uncle Ben and Throwing Rice

2008-09-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Last weekend I went to a wedding. A big, choreographed extravaganza done up in the trendy hues of chocolate and cream. The bride and groom, both in their 20’s seem in love and very happy. I was enjoying the day until the minister said, she should respect him and he should love her, since that is the way it is according to God. That doesn’t sound right to me. Why shouldn’t they both love and respect each other in equal measure? Since I consider your advice only second to God (LOL!), on the subject of relationships and romance, I am curious what you would say about this.
Karen, Santa Barbara

Dear Karen,
Get your tight jeans on and sing after me, “The only man that could ever reach me was the preacher man.” (We are changing the lyrics because the son is too young and inexperienced). So the preacher man, under the guise of wedding commissioner for the State of California was able to make you think? Good for him, good for you and how nice the wedding wasn’t all about “the party.”

Love and respect are like white rice and champagne. They go so well together in many situations. A lovely risotto and a chilled bottle can be quite the pair. But is rice, without champagne just as good? Can you skip the rice and still keep a clear head? When it comes to relationships, you can have respect without love, but never love, real love without respect. Just ask Uncle Ben.

Now put on your 1950’s floral apron and make me a sandwich! Why? Because I love you! Sometimes, something does get lost in translation, and marriage vows are no exception. Let’s put the preacher man’s experiment under the marriage microscope and see-close up just what he might have been thinking.

According to Scientific Wedding (free insert with Modern Bride, selected issues only), men are naturally drawn to a partner that has unwavering respect for a man’s path. Why? Because simply that is how men are wired. When that path is honored by a wife, without question (not many anyway) it tends to illicit admiration from the husband which in turn, manifests into love for the wife. Apparently respect begets love. Although this sounds like which came first the chicken or the egg, respect or the love, it has some validly. When someone respects us, it is easier to love them. Who can love someone, in a healthy fashion when there isn’t any respect?

Now let’s look into the other pot. Our bride needs love, and according to the theory, she gets it by respecting her partner. WHAT! Shouldn’t he love her because of whom she not what she can do for him? Shouldn’t his sense of man-self be so intact that he doesn’t need anyone to validate it? It may be hard to admit in the post bra burning era, but true none the less- men and women do value the same things, but in very different ways. Just like rice is good, steamed or all dolled up like an Italian movie star.

Not so long ago wedding vows asked men to love, honor and cherish, while women promised to love, honor and obey. Nothing wrong with obey. As long as you like what you are doing, which brings us right back to respect.

If we respect someone, it is easy to comply with their requests. It is a pleasure. So the literal meaning of vows becomes food for thought, not the actual dish. There is nothing a miss with modern vows or ancient marriage rites, they remind us of what we hold sacred. In reality, it all comes down to the daily way you love and respect your partner in word and deed. Nothing more and nothing less.

Have a naughty day!

Wonder Bread and Dating When Cooled

2008-09-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
The time has come after a failed marriage and lengthy divorce to start dating. I am ready, willing but nervous. I really don’t want to make the same mistakes again. What if I am the loser my husband said I was? Is someone ready to date just because they want to?
Jill, Santa Barbara

Dear Jill,
If you switch out the word “dating” and place any sport in that spot, does it answer your question? Just because we want to ice-skate (secretly because of the pretty outfits), be a world-class golfer or set a record for best runner ever, doesn’t mean we have the skill set going in to be as successful as we would like or could be.

No one is born being absolutely incredible at anything. Hidden talents that seemly come with our DNA and eventually surface, are just that, talents. Most of the time we learn from others directly, indirectly and through as many sources as there are options.

But it seems when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, we drop the get-smart ball when great knowledge and education should be a natural goal. It can’t truly be from lack of motivation-a fulfilling love life tends to rate pretty high on the scale of life goals. So why do we choose to stay so ignorant? Apathy? Fear? Could it be the Wonder bread Complex?

Rarely mentioned but highly incorporated into our reality is The Wonder bread Complex. If you read the nutritional information on Wonder Bread along with any company promotional “facts,” you could believe that it is actually good for you. Anyone with a tiny amount of knowledge about nutrition knows that is not true. The complex named after the faux food item, and sometimes childish weapon, rears its pasty head when we erroneously believe that the most obvious is indeed correct. For example: Dating is natural. Love is natural. Sex is natural. Relationships are natural and therefore all the previously mentioned need no additional work or skills.

From the outside, it would appear that as soon as we find the RIGHT person, all will be well. Marriage stats confirm this is as nutty as peanut butter. Philosophy guru’s post 1960 claim that a positive attitude is all you need to have love-love-love. Applying anything resembling a quick cure is as sensible as believing breakfast in a can is as good as the real thing.

Like all pursuits of worth, great sex, great dating and excellent relationships start with believing in the self. Truly, deeply, madly believing with no doubts that we are lovable, valuable and consistently so. Valuable enough to continually get lots of accurate knowledge on the subject. Having any doubt in such a direction is a recipe for disaster. Can you fake it till you make it while dating? Can dating bolster the necessary sense of self-worth? Answer me this Batman? Can you frost a cake while it is baking? Didn’t think so.

Darling Jill, Boys and Girls, it is only possible to frost a cake when it is ready and that means, baked and cooled. If you jump the gun you end up with a messy cake and counter and have to start over again. Just ask Martha Stewart. Dating is an honorable pursuit. You can find out a lot about yourself, have fun (what a concept) and perhaps meet someone wonderful. On the other hand, dating when one is not ready can lead to something far worse than frosting in your hair.

Example: a relationship that is a copy-cat of the one you just left. A relationship out of convenience, loneliness, or security. Increased disillusionment about the self. If one is comfortable with the self, one doesn’t need anyone to “complete” them. Therefore being as complete as possible and that does not mean perfect, is actually necessary après dating.

There are endless tomes of dating “wisdom”; tricks to get a date, what to say and what to wear. How to “make” another person find you fabulous and fascinating! Now sit up and really pay attention! In fact, highlight this part in pink. If you have done your work and now find that you really are quite wonderful you won’t need any tricks. If you are using “tricks”, the reality is you are not being you. If you want someone to love you for yourself, how can pretending anything even if it is for a “good cause” make sense. I won’t lie, if you use tricks you will draw others to you. You will THINK you are a successful dater. There is a reason that the “life of a party” is surrounded by people. But are they people that the “life” really wants to spend time with? In the long and if you can bare to acknowledge it short run?

Harsh but true, if you haven’t done your work, the smoke screen will blow away and leave you naked the first time something goes wrong. Back to the person that is hiding underneath the “great date persona”. The one that is still covering up the real self from a lack of confidence. The one that is not yet ready to date for some very good reasons. What does this all mean? It means, go on a date with you, several in fact and see if you really are ready.

Have a naughty day!

Red, White and The Blues

2008-09-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My long term girl friend and I have come to the place where, although we still care for each other, we are feeling perhaps we have taken this relationship as far as it can go. It’s got to be one of the hardest decisions I have made in a long time because I am not so sure that I might not find that later on in life, I made a bad choice and should have worked through the discontent. We have both looked at this for a while and it isn’t getting any clearer. We would both welcome any clarity you can provide with open arms.
William, Santa Barbara

Dear William,
No one playing the dirty game of politics is immune to the daily tabloid’s sleazy tall tales designed to “inform” their readers of the important shortcomings of candidates for public office. Accolades, experience and commendations aside, it tends to be the negative (real or imagined) that drives our political choices. As usual, the fear factor is recklessly driving our thoughts – and therefore our reality - over the speed limit for negativity, right past what we want into what we do not want. Is it any different when faced with the vexing challenge of whether to impeach a relationship or not? Could we be content with “most excellent” relationship poll results and still want something more? Can someone “work” for us and yet not be “The One” - and therefore be worth risking who-knows-what? When it comes to choosing Presidents or life partners, there is always more choice on the line than one could ever imagine. And the results of those choices, like an iceberg’s true depth, are hiding deep and unseen within the murky future.

Regardless of the way the wind is blowing the flag, there is the good, the bad and the ugly contained in all relationships. There is no one that is perfectly in tune with their main constituent and had a 100% approval rating at all times. A good choice for an effective relationship statesperson is someone that operates with congruence. The die-hard basic principal of clean living and high standards in all things goes a long way toward effective leadership. Everyone wants to be on the ticket with a thoughtful person who lives on high moral ground. The big difference between voting for daily safety and daily hotness is where “in love” and “love” show their true colors.

Like the perfect government, both benevolent compassion and flag-waving patriotic pride need to be in play for a relationship to work on a global scale. People, like politicians, are not fully interchangeable, regardless of their male or female status, or experience in foreign affairs. In other words, whatever isn’t working now has the potential - but won’t necessarily - show up in the next relationship. As a result, we should be very cautious of what we wish for when we say we want “Change”.

That being noted, wondrous well articulated campaign speeches only go so far as any man or woman that has been taxed by a smooth and slick sweet-talker can tell you. What happened in the past is only as good as the lessons that have been learned and implemented today. As far as experience goes, it’s what you do with it in the now that counts, not what you say you will do. It is frightening to make a decision when the future is unclear, but as that great states-alien Yoda would say, “Decide you will.”

If any choice made between partners invokes feelings of loss of what could have been, jubilation about potential, and clarity about the important next steps, one comes to the strange but true realization that there is no wrong choice. Just temporary thoughts, feelings and actions that will lead into a future that no one can predict.

Darling William, and Boys and Girls, we are not the sum of all that is. Egos set well aside, relationship choices - like votes - become clear when we make them for the good of something better than we could ever imagine or believe possible. Not from the place of what isn’t happening, is negative, or is bad for us. Not out of fear of loss that we are making a mistake that can’t ever be corrected if need be. So are our choices one-way mirrors looking right at us? As sure as Miss Kitty is a write-in Presidential candidate on your ballot come November! It comes down to uplifting our relationships, and our politics, up to where they belong: into the land of the truly free and not the home of the slave.

By the way, if you want a “Vote for Miss Kitty! Uplift America - one bra at a time” bumper sticker, pop by Purrmission Lingerie and pick one up while supplies last. Look out, McBama – Miss Kitty is hitting the campaign trail to educate America on her Uplifting Bra Experience platform! (Thanks Rocketman for the edit of a lifetime!)

Have a naughty day!

Digging in the Dirt

2008-09-04T15:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I had a few problems a while back and I just can’t seem to get over it. I am worried that if I don’t drop it she will become frustrated with me and then we will have more to deal with. The truth is I am not over it and as badly as I would like to be, I know it is influencing our relationship. For the record I am not usually someone that holds on to things and we have been married a LONG time. I absolutely love this woman and want to do the right thing. Can you advise?
Jerry, Santa Barbara

Dear Jerry,
It is part and parcel of a relationship to have confrontations and episodes of conflict. Our partner can be the best mirror possible, reflecting back to us a life journey that is a deeply rewarding experience. That being said, it isn’t all fun and games - and sometimes, when playing a particularly destabilizing version of the game of “Life”, it can take a while to get back on good old terra firma.

Hopefully, the little things - like leaving the toilet seat in various positions - are not keeping anyone up at night. When a big issue has made itself known however, it can take significant time to get back to “normal”. Why is it so difficult to get back to “normal”? Because where you were and how you were as a couple in the past is never going to be available to you again. Every experience changes us in some way, and the only thing that truly never changes is our experiences keep changing.

Sometimes we can feel and see the change and more often then not, the change goes into stealth mode: hard to detect without a bit of cloak and dagger recon into our past. So is it possible to ever completely resolve an issue? Even when the issue is no longer an issue, does it need lots of sugar on a regular basis to continue to be “gone?” When it comes to letting things go, just exactly what are we left holding on to?

Letting something truly go means understanding that the original problem is not the only thing that is going to take work and time to reflect upon. Not only was the original conflict put into play, but anything and everything from the past that became activated is game-on as well. Like a pin-ball machine gone haywire, all that is unresolved lights up, makes a lot of noise and causes us to “tilt” in confusion. It is becomes hard to relate to the original problem when it literally is no longer the source of the discord. In fact, it never was. Think of it as retro-active and long-forgotten anger, sadness, or frustrations - now brought back into living color without a whole lot of notice.

Darling Jerry, and Boys and Girls, if a persistent problem does not feel nicely tucked up in bed, ready for sleep and sweet dreams, it is going to need a really big glass of warm milk and a lot of cookies to get some much needed rest. Homemade cookies that take as much time as they need to become golden, and no complaints from anyone about all the crumbs. In other words, as wonderful as it is to live in the moment and embrace our existence with our loving partner it is equally part of the entire experience to wrestle with the darker side of being in a relationship, and making our peace with that little fact of life.

Have a naughty day!

Family Matters

2008-08-29T15:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I have been married for 32 years. We have a lot of couple friends and spend time with them on a regular basis. My life has taken a turn in a specific direction and I really don’t want to spend so much of my time with other people. I am not anti-social at all, it’s just some of the friends I feel I have nothing in common with. (Some of them are friends from the kid’s pre-school days!) I would rather not be as involved, but my wife thinks I am being very rude. I know she reads your column, so since she can’t hear anything from me on the subject, I thought she might be willing to read it from you.
Brian L, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Brian,
That we are our brother’s keeper seems to take on a myriad of definitions when it comes to relationship protocol. Because we sit both on the observation deck and in the captains chair, it hard to sit still when our partners indulge in past times or people that we would sooner pass by. Is it fair to always be on-board when it comes to another’s decisions? Is where we are as a couple ever the same thing as where we are alone? Just where is the balance when it comes to honestly pleasing thy self and thy partner?

Time outranks new puppies, perfect coffee and has even diamonds on the run. It is the top of the food chain, the heap and really is the whole enchilada. There is nothing more precious, because time is the only thing we actually own and its availability is fixed as nothing else. Therefore, when it comes to protecting this commodity- extraordinaire it is reasonable to go to an extreme to do so? It is only when our needs are being held in the not- valid- file that such lengths become a possibility? As in everything else, relationships are best served when individual needs are in balance with the whole.

Humans do not appear to be fixed in either likes or dislikes. Our experimental nature may be tempered with maturity but our desire to evolve should never be extinguished because another human being doesn’t choose to be where we wish to go. It is the actions that manifest changes that give us not only plenty of food for thought, but an opportunity for a better relationship reality. As any city-slicker who has been faced with a partner inclined to be a bit Grizzly like knows, there is a good reason that the expression is “happy camper.”

Darling Brian, Boys and Girls- as it is fair that a partner should be open to getting to know the new us, it is fair that we give them the chance to do so. The open- ended willingness to let a partner be themselves isn’t always as easy as it seems. Protecting and changing life priorities isn’t selfish- but not being willing to adjust to them is. There can fear in watching a partner make changes. Could they possibly out grow us? Could we become no longer interesting or fit into a new way of living? When what we have always known becomes threatened, it is easy to become defensive and hold the line no-matter-what.

Relax. It is said that change is as good as a rest and the change within the self is always going to have an impact in a close and loving personal relationship. It is the impact of the adjustment that really tells the story. A relationship that wants longevity must have the ability to roll with the punches that life throws, and the ones that are generated within the relationship are no exception. Partners that encourage each other to be their best and happiest selves have the best and happiest relationships.

Have a naughty day!

Holding Hands Without a Sunset

2008-08-15T15:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife is going through a very trying time right now. Family illness, work, our oldest leaving for college, you name it; it all seems to be happening. Actually, things have been pretty rough for her most of this year. My question is at what point do my needs count? I feel like I am a jerk if I need anything from her, and she is so quick to lash out at me, I am walking on the proverbial egg shells. Please don’t suggest counseling, I have gone and it didn’t make a difference. Anything else up those lacey sleeves of yours?
Adam, Santa Barbara

Dear Adam,
After the sesame noodles have been eaten and the Mu Shu devoured, there is a lovely little moment (in the hour before we get hungry again) when the fortune cookies are delivered to the satisfied diners. With keen anticipation, fingers reach out for their post-meal fate, with either a hesitant pause or a quick grab of impulsive decision. Without further ceremony, the crunchy crescents are eagerly cracked open to deliver a free bit-o-wisdom. It is doubtful that anyone lives or dies for the lucky numbers or the message of the moment, but most of us do take a minute to think about what it could mean. More accurately, we find a way to make our fortune fit, because what apparently makes sense to us has validity - and therefore has value.

When we sign up to love, honor, and be-there-no matter-what, we better mean it. It makes no difference if we choose to do so in a formal legal ceremony or within the structure of a personal agreement. Being there for another person through it all is a gi-normous undertaking. Consciously making such a choice is one of the things that make humans so humane. But when it comes to being supportive of a loved one, does it make sense to promise what you don’t know you can deliver? Could it be that love isn’t always enough? Is everything we’ve got everything we should give? Being there, no-matter-what does not mean being taken for granted. “Being there” for someone, like everything else, needs some definition, manners and rules of conduct.

Hardship of all kinds is very fair in its distribution. Like Coca-Cola it is available in every country and is a stranger to no one. We can rightly assume that everything between death and taxes will show up over the years, but what we can’t always fathom is how the unknown will be received by our partner. We are not born with the skill set to help us manage high levels of emotional upheaval in ourselves, but it is something hopefully we choose to learn. When we are suddenly cast as the back-up vocals to the one with a spot light upon them, especially if the show is running for a long time, it is difficult to keep a happy tune going when the diva is distraught.

Being available to someone, in the way that they need is a great skill and harder to do then surfing in marshmallow cream. It may look easy when a professional does it, but for most of us mere mortals it is hard to stay up when the ground is soft, sticky and unstable. It is almost impossible when the support appears to be or is unappreciated. Regardless of how tough it can be during times of trial, real love is enough. That does not mean that deep and painful feelings will disappear with a hug and a kiss. Only little boo-boo’s are soothed so easily. But knowing that before the nasty patch showed up, someone was there - and will continue to be there during and after - is a kind of embrace that is like no other. The trouble is, it takes the partner, within the middle of the storm, to recognize the level of love that is being given and not just take for granted.

Darling Adam, Boys and Girls, there are some things that a partner, as loving and supportive as they can be, can not do for another person. That is where the self must step in and sing not only alone, but a capella. Sometimes there is no music and all is silent except for a single inner voice raised to ask its questions, scream its anger and then find its own notes of peace.

Have a naughty day!

Ma Cherie Amour and the Boy Next Door

2008-08-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met my BF’s parents and sister last week. They seem so much like my family and I felt completely at home. I have wondered if this was “the one” and now I am sure. Before I met “the family”, I wasn’t completely sold, but based on how his family acted around me, now I feel I can really trust him. One of my friends said that you don’t marry the family you marry the guy, but it seems like if the family is o.k., he should be too. Do you think so?
Kaili S.

Dear Kaili,
The longer one lives the more it seems like the world works in less mysterious ways than one would think. So it isn’t surprising to find that when it comes to finding a suitable life partner there is, more often than not, a definite pattern to follow for happiness. If we start out within an emotionally stable family, it would appear that the best partner for us is the one that easily fits in with our family of origin. So what happens when we start on our merry way to find this possible partner? Why are there so many well-intentioned opportunities that lead us astray? Why is it with an infallible DNA blueprint to follow we lose our way so easily? Why is it that so many relationships end up stuck within the layers of disappointment and confusion when it all seemed so easy at the beginning?

When an American finds herself in Paris, the seductive tones of a fresh croissant are only second to the knowing tones of a Maurice Chevalier. Ma Cherie is an intoxicating elixir all so easy to wash down with a flute of champagne and a complete loss of normal function! A top of the morning to you from the pouty lips of an Irish lass while serving up a cup of coffee is something a bit more interesting than the usual American “have a nice day”. And when in Rome? Need I say more?

It is something amazing to note that when in Rome, or New York or Tunisia the voice that is the path less traveled has a power to pull us right off track! Are we concluding that all relationships are best suited by finding a mate who shares the same background and social engineering? Not on your Yenta. When one is entranced with something “a bit different”, be it an accent, a way of doing most things, or a complete 180 degrees away from everything you know, a valuable lesson is that you take… it…. slowly. Why? You’re hard-wired senses, allowing you to sniff out what is safe and what is not, are going to work a little harder than usual.

But what happens when you meet up with the proverbial boy or girl next door? Should that be piece of wedding cake? Does simply growing up in the traditional nuclear family with mom, dad and a sibling or two in a nice house with a white picket fence mean that finding someone else with the same nuclear upbringing and white picket fence brings instant compatibility? There is more to who we are than what can be seen on the surface, and unfortunately it is harder to go slowly when what we feel in another and their kin is familiar. Nuclear can just as easily mean an explosive atomic melt-down as a warm and cozy family atmosphere if you’re not careful.

They say that familiarity breeds contempt, but familiarity is more likely to lull us into a sense of comfort, when security is the last thing that is actually available. No one needs a PhD to be able look as they wish to appear. A pretty car, home or family is just that - and nothing more until one spends the time to see what is really there.

Darling Kaili, Boys and Girls, it takes experience to know how to read another person, let alone a relationship. It takes wisdom to separate reality from what we so desperately want to be and it takes strength to hold back until we are sure. Just because the family “feels” right, doesn’t mean they are or they are not. If the comfort level with the BF wasn’t there until the family showed up, means in some way you still are unsure - and that is all you need to pay attention to right now. When we trust our judgment, and not our illusions, we are likely to land steady on our feet, regardless of how far over our heels our head presently is.

Have a naughty day!

Second Chances, Taking Risks and Frosting on the Cake

2008-07-31T15:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
A few weeks ago, I wrote to you and confessed that I had cheated on my boyfriend. Your advice was to tell him the truth and “face the music”. After that, he wrote to you, and you suggested to him that what to do next was all his decision and I had to just take it. Well, he dumped me. Of course I now know (a little too late) that he was planning to propose later this summer and so I am writing to you from a friends place (I have had to move out) and have never felt so horrible in my life. I have to start my life over again without my best friend. I know he still loves me so why didn’t you tell him to give me another chance? People can change and they do it when they know that they have really messed up!
Ashley, Santa Barbara

Dear Ashley,
Deep in the mysterious cavern of regret, hoards of “should haves” and “could haves” live side by side in the murky yellowish grey vapor. There is no temperature control here and there is no rest for the wicked. Tossing and turning with remorse and self pity, it is easy to ask for second, third, even fourth chances. But isn’t asking forgiveness a cheap trick in light of the work you really need to do? Doesn’t pleading for another opportunity to “get it right” put the onus on the innocent one for all you have brought into play? Is it even reasonable to think anyone would want to help? If there was a completely honest assessment of this situation, asking for anything would be the last thing on your mind.

If there is real understanding and TRUE remorse in moral terms, it is possible with time, that the outcome could be different. The often-used prettily packaged and highly processed version of morals won’t work here. It might with a lesser individual within a relationship that is shaky on a regular basis, but only with a person that knows their own value - a person whose character is mature – does being the “real deal” have a glimmer of a chance. That takes time, maybe more time than he is willing to give you - but any time will be well spent for your own personal growth and your next relationship.

Darling Boys, Girls and Ashley, knowing truth for the first time is a daunting process. It can shake you to your very core with it’s gentle but demanding ideals. It is finding and claiming the deepest personal part of your very self. It is a bone-deep sense of right and wrong that never wavers. In the beginning it is harder to walk this road then to swear off jelly doughnuts forever, but when there is something of great value at stake, there is the impetus to dig in and begin this infinitely worthwhile process.

Staring this journey now is wonderful, but using it to manipulate someone to change their thoughts and decisions should not be the motivation. When asking for another chance, what is going on is not about “another chance” at all, it is about asking someone to take a risk. Why would anyone take a risk when the evidence is stacked higher than a pastrami sandwich in a New York Deli that you could cheat again?

Change never happens overnight and it never happens with a gun to its head. Nothing in you has had the time to change except your comfortable existence in the arms of a loving man, which has been traded for a temporary couch and the ghost of those once comforting arms.

And speaking of those arms, it is not surprising that he still loves you. The fact that he does has nothing to do with his taking you back or not. Anger, sadness, and confusion are common bedfellows to love, and just because trust has grown wings and left the party does not mean that love is jumping in the same cab. For all its glory, love can linger regardless of extraordinary pain - and that is why you need to give him space and honor his decision for this relationship to end. Think on this for a bit, if you value him so much, would you want him to be with someone, anyone that has the possibility of hurting him? When you are no longer have the possibility within you to intentionally hurt him, maybe then he can forgive you and then again, maybe not. In other words, you can’t lick the frosting of a cake and expect it to be there in the morning.

Have a naughty day!

Waiting Out the Pain

2008-07-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,

Last week you answered a reader who had cheated on her boyfriend. You told her she had to tell him what happened and let him decide what to do next. Ironic as it sounds, not only did I read that particular column - I was the boyfriend. She took your (excellent and thank you for that) advice and told me. She was right, I am devastated. For the record, we are not kids. Both in our mid-30’s, each with a previous marriage under our belts, I really thought I had found the one. In fact, what she didn’t know is that I was planning to propose later this summer. I know I am not thinking very straight since she is the last person I would have thought could have done this and as you know, she swears she would never do it again. Since you know the story and apparently so does all of Santa Barbara, what do I do now?

Mike, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Mike,

To begin with, I feel your pain and so does anyone that has ever been the recipient of a cheating partner. As much as it may feel like fresh lemon juice on a paper cut, be glad she fessed up and you now know the truth. There are many unknowingly slighted victims of such scandalous behavior that are never told, and are innocently living a lie. (How do you think that would feel twenty years later)?

I am not trying to make you feel better by the way; I would never do that and you have every right to whatever you are feeling. Being compromised by someones conscience choice is a rotten place to be. At the same time this is not the work of Satan. This is the work of your “beloved”.

Which bring us to the quote of the week courtesy of Sir Walter Scott. “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” How does one untangle a web so one can clearly make a healthy decision at this point in time? Is it possible to repair the damage? Is it plausible to consider that she can be trusted? Should a relationship survive when the foundation, i.e. the trust is now as cracked as a California State Freeway after an 8.6 earthquake?

I have a remote crystal ball so lets look into your head and see just where you are right now. I see a few evil thoughts of retribution, a lot of sorrow, the kind of pain that lurks in the solar plexus, a very large slice of sausage and pepperoni pizza, and a whole lot of questions. In fact there are so many questions in that head, it looks like the Riddler is running around naked because you have his green jumpsuit stuck between your frontal and temporal lobes.

As much a few peanut butter cookies with a beer chaser might help for a while, there is no immediate remedy and no reason to have a plan. With the wind taken out of yours sails, how could you possibly go anywhere safely?

With that in mind, take the pressure off yourself and make no decisions. Let the questions swirl in and out and pick two colors. Attribute one of the colors to you and one to you-know-who. The questions after such a shock are like a temporary but severe case of OCD and they need to be managed. The problem is that most of the questions are not manageable by you, because they have nothing to do with you. Especially the ones about “the other guy”. Breathe, Mike, Breathe….

When a question comes in, grab it with your mind and qualify it: is it about you or her? (That’s were the colors come in, because even serious thinking should have some style).

If it’s a “you” question, make it orange and write it down. Think about it.

Right now it's all about you - what you believe in, value and want for yourself. It’s not about “the relationship”. If the perplexing problem belongs to “her”, make it red and let it go. You can not answer it and there is no point in trying. Speaking of her, you will also want to stay away from Satan’s spawn, oh EXCUSE me, I mean your "girlfriend for a while". (I apologize about that catty little remark but it slipped out. Nothing makes me feel like scratching out eyes more than the lack of respect that is shown when someone cheats or lies).

As much as you would like to, you can not, in all honesty, trust her right now and it would not be in your best interests to do so. This was obviously a serious relationship since you were considering marriage and a lot of thought needs to happen before any action is taken. Eventually, when you look back from a happy time in the future, you will know you made the right choice.

Darling Mike, Boys and Girls, Staples sells relationship signs, “Give it a chance”, “Love conquers all” and “Dump the -you-know-what”. Only you can decide - and decide only when you are ready to do so.

Have a naughty day!

Facing The Music

2008-07-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,

I can’t believe I am writing for advice, but I don’t want any of my friends to know what I did and I really need to get some help. I had too much to drink a few months ago and I cheated on my BF. I only did it this once and I am racked with guilt. Do I tell him? If I do, he will be devastated and I know I will NEVER do it again. Help!

Ashley, Santa Barbara

DEAR ASHLEY,

Since we can’t live our lives backwards and orchestrate the picture-perfect life, we all need personal ethical codes in place to help us mitigate the possible sting of inappropriate moments. Moments that are never worth the havoc that they create are eliminated because there is a personal line that is never crossed - with no exceptions. These codes are set firmly in place to keep us safe, sound and content, amidst a swirling world of greener grass and temporary insanity.

Knowing that we have learned a lesson - albeit the hard way - is not enough to make good (even for a moment) our rationalization that the behavior was acceptable in the first place. As easy as it might be, blame can not be dropped at the feet of Mr. Jim Beam, Mr. Jack Daniels or even Senor Jose Cuervo. Deep down there is always a moment when we know exactly what we are doing. The deep angst that is felt after a haul across the “finished” line is almost audible, as the desire to undo what has been done resounds through every moment of the present.

As cruel as some of the Darling Boys and Girls might think it I am, from these green cats’ eyes, I think you need to experience all the pain you are feeling. If you thought for even one minute that there would be a simile-laden loophole in the Miss Kitty Guide to Appropriate Relationship Behavior, you were as wrong as a young pig trying out for the San Francisco Opera Company.

Remorse can be a beautiful thing. In fact, it might be the one thing that will take you to a place where you can contemplate why you have it in you to misrepresent yourself in such a grand manner. As sad as it is the haunting words, “he will be devastated” didn’t seem to carry any weight when you were caught up in the moment, but perhaps they can help you now because you really - without any question - have to tell him what happened. The telling is not a release of remorse, the telling is not to release you from the pain you have put yourself in; the telling is because he has a right to know whom you really are.

That truth is that you are able to compromise your relationship as well as yourself and this kind of information is never on a need-to-know basis.

Darling Ashley, as tough as it is going to be - and it will be - you can do it. This is the only way to honestly have a part in this relationship or if he chooses to, leave it. After you tell him, the next move belongs entirely to him, and he gets as much time as he likes to deal with it. As uncomfortable as that is, remember just who put this nasty little conversation into play.

Have a not so naughty day!

Good Cookies and Bad Fireworks

2008-07-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
This year I have had three boyfriends. Each relationship lasted about 2 months. Nothing hideous happened, I just knew that what I ultimately needed wasn’t there and I didn’t want to waste my time. Several friends of mine are appalled and think I should have “tried” to make it work, especially the last one. Is there a rule or time frame regarding testing someone out?
Lisa, Montecito

Dear Lisa,
Software can be downloaded free to be examined before purchase; food can be ordered, tasted and sent back to the kitchen if it doesn’t meet with approval; and relationships can be tried, tested and (based on discovered data), be returned - but never from whence they came. Nothing life-changing is going to happen when sniffing the cork, having a little sip and making a decision to drink or not to drink, but when it comes to sniffing out the truth of what someone can - and can not - be for you, there is some level of nose-wrinkling sourness. That being said, enduring some consequence is always worth avoiding a big mistake.

It is praiseworthy to know what you want and even more commendable to actually be so true to your ideals that you are willing to say “next!” so quickly. On the other hand - and there always is another hand (unless you are the Venus di Milo) - checking into the psyche before checking into another hotel is usually a good practice to start with.

Are relationship ideals too-often set to a standard where no human being could ever manage to scale the heights of such perfection? Does this ability to catalog character flaws lead straight to the path of least commitment? Where is the line in the sand when it comes to what we will and will not “take” when it comes to another person’s persona?

Let’s pretend her psyche-work has been done and there are no commitment anxieties, phobias or other relationship issues as a whole to stop Miss Lisa from having a satisfying relationship. She has made it clear that there is no need to wear a hair shirt and endure less than what she wants - and she knows it at two months (By the way, a hair shirt relationship is when the relationship feels itchy, uncomfortable and down right wrong, but you continue because you really haven’t done your work yet). This appears to be a sound and very reasonable approach (Miss Lisa, come into Purrmission and claim your free pink panties for being so smart).

Considering that most people are on their best behavior (in order to get a cookie or something better) during the first two months of dating, if someone’s lack of something or too much of something else are not suitable (regardless of the rationale), it is a sign. It takes a whole lot of love to forgive, overlook and generally not be bothered by something, be it big or small. If an idiosyncrasy or plain old incompatibility is rising to the top, like oil on water, it does mean this person is not for you.

Scene 1. A couple is on their third date at a charming little bistro. So far, there haven’t been 4th of July Fireworks, but things are humming along nicely. Her dinner arrives stone cold and she has a fit worthy of Paris Hilton finding out that her Prada is a fake. Somewhat in shock, he decides that anyone that would go so Norman Bates over a chilly dish isn’t someone he would like to spend his time with. Darling Boys and Girls, (not Lisa, as hopefully she would catch this) our errant diner APOLOGIZES and says she doesn’t know what came over her and is SO sorry and had a TERRIBLE week. What does our easily loveable man do? A. Overlook the faux pas completely. B. Take note of the behavior and make a mental “oops” mark on his checklist. C. Skip desert, skip the Bates Motel and get back on Match.com.

As harsh as it may seem, most nice people (because we are trained to be polite over taking care of ourselves) would give Miss Attitude another chance. Should they? Absolutely not - and here’s why: She obviously forgot about the cookie, slipped into her real psycho-self, and her real psycho-self still has some work to do before she is ready to be in a loving and healthy relationship.

There is no way anyone can know everything in two months, as it takes a lifetime to really know another human being. Fifty or so days are enough time to see, hear and feel, and at least have a glimmer of reality. If the reality you find out in the first fifty ends up not being worthy of your precious self, it is more than reasonable to move on. If one is racking up relationships faster than a race car across the finish line, one might consider being a bit more particular about the ride, but that is a column for another time.

Have a naughty day!

Super Heroes

2008-06-27T15:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
Regardless of the reasons why, I need to break up with my GF of 6 years right away. What I want is a clean break without a lot of drama and on-going fall out. (O.K., this is the reason I need to break up with this women in the first place. The constant drama is just too much for me). In your experience, what is the best way to do this?
Richard, Santa Barbara

Dear Richard,
Even though relationships are a big industry, there is no known “industry standard” for a well done break up. Nothing tried and true with a 100% success rate where everyone ends up with good feelings, a nice hug- bye bye- and material processions are distributed fairly. If I had such inside information, I could run for President and win. Reality is that there is no more an industry standard of Ciao as there are bras that you can grab, go and actually wear! Every relationship has a slightly different need and there are better, if not perfect ways to find the fit for the forever adieu.

The inevitable sayonara is hard enough but along with adios comes the feeling of loss, sadness, anger, frustration (fill in the blank) that demands attention. Who we are in terms of ethics and morals is also there at this well- attended event, and it can be troublesome indeed to keep it all together. How do you get though the door and out again without it slamming shut behind? Even though the actual event is usually not as bad as what we can imagine, it isn’t up there with sharing a pint of chocolate ice cream while star gazing in a hot tub.

So, when the need arises for us to finally bid someone farewell, would help if we were Super Heroes? Super Heroes with amazing powers that we could call upon to save us from certain, although temporary devastation (Not unlike the upcoming 2008 election)? Powers that just might give us a better chance with the old auf wiedersehen?

Since most of us don’t rack up relationships that need a adios as fast as politicians making promises, when we do have to say “Next”, we don’t have all that much experience to go on. When we get to the point when we know the leaving is better than the staying could ever be, a few special abilities are defiantly an asset. Making those abilities congruent with whom we are as a person on a daily basis is even better.

When dealing with a Drama Princess, perhaps the man of the hour should be, Calmo Man. Dressed in lightly worn 501’s with a bit of carefully managed facial hair, he is, even in the face of text messages from hell, (if not the actual I Phone being hurled at him), a beacon of peace. Calmo Man never raises his voice let alone the level of hostiles. His weapon of choice, is a de-café latte on a quiet Sunday morning, with a few unsuspecting mortals around, to keep Princess D a bit more collected then she would be in private. He is armed and dangerous with a box of extra soft tissues and his litany of “it’s not you, it’s me” is at the ready. Based on prior experience, he knows she will not hear much in the way of truth anyway, so he keeps it short and before you can say Sunday Brunch, he has turned Drama Princess into a meek, although lightly tear stained version of her former intense self. Amazed, but happy that she is so calmly willing to say ta ta to such a fine fellow.

Does this sound like fantasy? It is. However Darling Richard, Boys and Girls, taking a cue from Calmo Man, this is one of the best styles, (spandex tights not included) to get out of Dodge. There are going to be times when even Calmo Man’s X-Ray emotional laser extractor isn’t going to work, but knowing what you need and stating it clearly, without blame is a good place to be. Setting your boundaries for after the break up and sticking to them is almost as a good as an invisible shield against the bad guys. And speaking of bad guys, if you are labeled one or just feeling like one, you are not! You are really the brave guy, since that is what it takes to step up, speak up and end what really needs to be finished to have a happy ending.

Have a naughty day!

The Days of Whine and Roses

2008-06-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
My GF’s and I saw Sex in the City (movie) the other night. We all disagreed with Carrie’s decision to forgive Big. So the little wedding turned into a big one - he should have dealt with it. We decided if a guy doesn’t show up at your wedding, except for a serious accident or death, the guy has no business in your life. We realize this is just a movie, but as a life rule, don’t you think it is dangerous to carry forgiveness that far?
The BGC- Santa Barbara
P.S. You do know you are SB’s own Carrie!

Dear BGC,
Like a coffin rising from an ancient burial ground, covered with the stagnant dust that accompanies exhuming thoughts of a wedding, gather the ghastly forms: The dreaded Bridezilla, Franken-bride and the always sad and pathetic, The Groom the Bride Forgot. These are not horror movies you rent for an uber-spooky evenings entertainment; these are actual happenings - which go on enough to make the little hairs on your arm rise up, like the back-fur on an arched Halloween cat.

When is a relationship not about a wedding? When a wedding is NOT about a relationship! Tangled together, these two concepts are the root cause for the self-induced wedding contempt that accompany the planning, executation and demise of too many green George Washington’s. The theme song for all this confusion? Wedding Day Blues. Not only is this a great title for the next big country western song, the wedding blues are a color that no one looks good in for long, and can be avoided with lots of stuff that dreams are actually made of.

There are more than a few things that this planet would be better off without – and easily in the top 100 are all the preconceived ideas and circus-like maneuvers that encompass the modern wedding. Now that is an oxymoron! In these times weddings bear more than a light similarity to weddings of by-gone days. However the nuptials of yesteryear had, within the fantasy, a grounding of understanding. Do we even know or care why we are compelled to carry on “traditions”. Is a tradition really one if you don’t even know why you are doing it? Thou thinkest not! Like so many aspects of modern life, there is a cavernous hunger to acquire - without thought and deeper meaning.

With beautiful potential to revel in the deepest of meanings and explore one of life’s great mysteries - love - a wedding is the perfect time to explore a couple’s desire for lasting love. Instead of planning the simple and personal approach that focuses on the meaning of the day, the “big engagement” often gives a crazed bride-to-be license to hurtle at light speed towards bridesmaid dresses from hell, the matching parade of flowers, favors and what ever else that can be sold for a buck to the “savvy” bride.

Stressed-out with the fear of not enough, she is armed and dangerous, tapping her French Manicured nails on the most recent copy of Modern Bride while reading how to keep him quiet while you plan your special day over the next 565 days. (Ball gags in baby blue are available if the promise of daily sex isn’t working). The compelling argument justifying any and all is that since this is the ONLY day you will ever be a bride, you had better get it right! That crushing pressure - originating form many opportunistic sources - is enough to turn the sweetest of brides-to-be into a lethal predator seeking nuptial perfection.

(By the way, that there nothing in its equivalent form for men. Considering same sex couple marriage (congratulations!!!!) in now legal in California, I can’t wait to see the newest magazines that will be sharing space at the newsstand). That being said, understanding and encompassing someone’s dreams is important and needs to be honored - but equally imperative is letting go of some dreams in the truest spirit of being one.

Therefore, Darling Boys, Girls and BGC, let me get off my soapbox to say, it was perfectly reasonable and appropriate for Carrie to forgive Big. In planning their wedding, she lost her clear vision of togetherness in favor of a vision that was all about her. That being said, it was also perfectly reasonable for her to be angry. Unless a groom is a card carrying mute, without the ability to write or use sign language, he is accountable for speaking up and putting his foot down on the heart shaped cake! Wake up and smell the overpriced pink- glitter- strewn floral arrangements!

The trappings of romance are sticky with dried champagne, and to walk through a passage to a truly new and fresh perspective together, takes time and effort. Marriage, between all couples, is an incredible part of humanity. Doesn’t it deserve the time to discuss the meaning behind the movements? Some soul searching to make those vows truly a commitment worth honoring? In taking the time to smell not the roses but the reality and true meaning of your romantic day, the foundation for a partnership of a lifetime can really get started.

Have a naughty day!

Father's Day Love and Secret Codes

2008-06-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a woman I really like. I could love her. However, I have not been successful in any relationships yet. My dad left when I was 10 and my mom raised me and my brothers alone. Do you think this has anything to do with why I don’t do well in relationships?
A.J., Santa Barbara

Dear A.J.,
It is widely known that the state of our relationships is vastly affected, in both positive and negative ways, by what we observed as children. If we were lucky enough to see real love in action, in words and deeds, we are more likely to have set a premium on believing that this high level of love in our adult life is easily attainable.

Does having a good example of what we want mean we are better equipped to find it? Does growing up with a working model mean we understand and can recognize love, or the lack of it? What happens if the blueprint for respectful romance was never drafted for our future reference? Does this mean we are doomed to never experience a healthy love, no matter what? When it comes to believing in, finding and making love last, recognizing what love is based on having real-world examples is the first step. Looking back at what our child-self decided love was, is the second and giving love with compassionate grace is the third.

Love has as many facets as there are people on this planet, maybe more since love has been around as long as there have been people. As children, when we looked past our grubby Winnie-the-Pooh at the adults who came and went, we picked up not-so-subtle clues about which interactions worked - and which didn’t. If we saw conflict followed by peaceful, healthy resolution, we are today more likely to trust that conflict is safe. Being fearless in the face of what we perceive as adverse is the most affirmative action we can emulate. What we learn from practicing courage is there is nothing that two people who love each other cannot work through - and come out the other side stronger, closer and even more in-love.

Not all aspects of love are so clear cut and as kiddies, we are little copy-cats – and seeing a grown man show respectful and joyful love towards his partner is a huge leg up on teaching little girls what to look for in a future mate and gives little boys more than a few of the secret codes that make a great man. That doesn’t mean that having observed a great relationship second-hand makes it easy to find one. One can have the ultimate best in fathers (like yours truly) and still have trouble ciphering though what real love is.

Knowing what a great man is does not guarantee that one will easily find him, but carrying a torch for what one ultimately believes is possible does stack the odds more than a bit.

Can you be a great man if you haven’t seen a great man? Can bearing witness to a terrible relationship or a mediocre parody of love teach that love is possible and a worthy life long mission to accomplish? Does the “absent father” - the phantom responsible for a never-ending list of questions regarding the guidelines and hallmarks that make an exemplary man - make it just as possible to learn what love is as the “hands on” always-there dad? Absolutely!

It comes down to this, Darling Boys and Girls and A.J. Once again, even though some of us are lucky enough to have a leg up on the system through early examples, we are all now on our own to figure out and discover what works for us. The message is clearly defined: we can look to the positive and negative role models of the past and learn. We can learn by example as easily as we can learn by a lack of one, as long as we are willing to learn - and believe - that love is always worth it.

For my dad, Ronald Doctors and all Dads, Step Dads, Grand Dads and Dads of Dogs and Cats… showing us how to be a great man by example -a great big kiss for father’s day!