A Possible Happy Birthday

Dear Miss Kitty,

My husband's 50th birthday is coming up and I want it to be special for him. When I asked him what would make the day meaningful he didn’t give me much to go on. He said whatever I plan will be great. I know this isn’t true since 3 years ago I took him to Las Vegas and he said it was too crowded and didn’t like the smoke. I know birthdays are important to him and I want to get it right. Not over or under do. It seems in these situations it is impossible to know what the right thing is. Do you have any ideas?

Cynthia, SANTA BARBARA


Dear Cynthia,

A basic stand-by is to put a large bow on your naked self while offering a homemade apple pie and singing Marilyn Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday to You. This can be done privately at home or in public if the restaurant is given enough notice, a 30% gratuity, and doesn’t have a kids menu. Other than this fairly safe and often highly appreciated suggestion, you are on your own. I don’t know the birthday boy in question and there is no such thing as the “perfect gift”. What I can tell you is it is certain that birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even the ill-revered Valentine’s Day, will bring forth a bit of confusion for most of us gift-givers.

When you think about it, isn’t it surprising that the person we spend so much of our existence with can give us the most trouble when it comes to giving them a happy birthday? Is not knowing what to do a sign that we don’t really know them? Are we lacking something if we don’t know? I don’t think so, but I do wonder is why is it so difficult for the intended receiver to throw us a bone when asked?

Granted some people are much easier to gift than others. Plenty of people are happy that someone remembered a birthday or an anniversary, let alone needing a token of acknowledgement. Others are downright insistent that their day is deserving of nothing less than a hiring a skywriter. Casting no judgment here, what is important is that when asked, the birthday boy or girl has an opinion. After all, it is their day.

So maybe the real question is why don’t we feel comfortable about letting someone know what we really want? Kids are great at this. Without hesitation or secret clues they will clearly tell you what and where and how. When we grow up why are we afraid to voice our wants? Why does someone wanting to do something nice for us cause us anxiety? Are we truly timid when asking for what we want? Is it really so difficult to ask for an Easy Bake oven or a trip to Paris? It appears to be a tall order for most people, even within a healthy relationship to give an honest answer. How ironic is that!

Perhaps the practical approach is to simply say that you really need to know (and please be specific). Veiled hints and guessing games place too much burden on both parties and are unnecessary. In fact, they detract from the joy the giver might very well experience. At least this approach might lead to a dialog where (with some careful maneuvering) you will find out that he really does want you to wear a bow, make a pie and sing like Marilyn.

Darling Cynthia, Boys and Girls, just because you have lived with someone for a long time doesn't mean you can second guess their secret wishes. Wanting to know what would make someone else happy is caring and thoughtful. So be the Spanish Inquisition and dig a bit. If you still get, “Anything is fine” then take it for the truth it just may be.