Let sleeping dogs lie

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband-to-be wants to meet my father. I haven’t seen my father for over 15 years and have no relationship with him. For the record, I am more than fine with that. I have tried to explain that it has nothing to do with hiding anything (the BF thinks this) and everything to do with this is a part of my past that I intend to keep as my past. I don’t understand why this is so hard for him to get. How do I explain it so he can understand and not feel bad about it?
KP, SANTA BARBARA

Dear K,
Along with certain salaries, the contents of wills and Alvin (the Chipmunk’s) middle name, some things are confidential for good reason. However, it is generally expected that within a relationship of consequence, there is an interest in wanting to share our past. When we first meet we want to tell “our” story. It is something we own that can explain why we do the things we do. A shortcut to our idiosyncrasies, our beliefs - and why we swallow gum instead of chew it like a normal person. The story of us is not shared with all and sundry; and often it takes a serious relationship where we feel safe enough to want to divulge what has made us the person we are.
However, if something is in the past and no longer a part of how we see ourselves, does it need to be revealed like Jimmy Hoffa’s last resting place? Are we not entitled when we have laid our ghosts to rest to let them rest in peace? If we are content with what was, does anyone else really need a say?
Where there is mystery or at least something we don’t understand from our point of reality, we tend to imagine all sorts of things. We fill in the cracks that don’t make sense with “something”. This something is our way of reconciling a situation so we can make sense of it. Unfortunately, this highly unrecognized but often used“technique” causes more harm, and never any good. You can’t fill in the blanks of what you do not know. It is like filling in a crossword puzzle with anything just to have all the spaces filled and get it done. The end result is nonsense and a waste of a damn good puzzle.
I would suggest that by unveiling the mystery (that isn’t) your BF will feel more comfortable with the idea that you are a person that does not have the need to have the person that donated half of your genes, if nothing else, in your life. I would also encourage your BF to let you know what he has “imagined” so both of you can put his fantasy in perspective. There is no need for a detailed accounting or saying more than is comfortable for you, but rare is the individual that can just accept what is, without question.

Darling K, Boys and Girls, we are all entitled to the choices we make in our own best interests. After all, who could ever know us better than we know ourselves? We also have certain requirements in the interest of being a good human to make those that are close to us feel safe. Explanations don’t necessarily put one on the defensive - after all, what we are sharing is information and facts as we see them. Disclosure isn’t always about being understood, it is often so the loved one can fill in the blanks with something real, and so you can both move on.