Trust needed in marriage

Dear Miss Kitty,
I was raised by a crazy single mom and no dad to speak of. My mother remarried a few times but basically I was still raised without a dad in my life. No big surprise but I defiantly have trust issues when it comes to men and marriage!!! So last weekend my boyfriend popped the question and I said I needed to think about it. He was understandably disappointed but I didn’t feel it was right to say yes, when I wasn’t sure. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I trust him enough to marry him. What can I do to make sure I know he wants to marry me for life?
Jen, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Jen,

Congratulations on making it this far as a healthy adult with minimal support behind you. If nothing else, that certainly deserves a nice piece of jewelry! Your clearly perceivable smart sense of self is evident in that you were truthful with your BF, took care of yourself, and you are looking for answers. The short answer is that he may tell you he wants to marry you for life, but there is no sure fire way to know if what glitters is really gold. Only time will be able to answer you.

The long answer is that the National Vital Statistics Reports published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), states there were about 2,071,000 marriages in the United States in 2009, representing a marriage rate of 6.8 (marriages per 1,000 people); in 2008, the rate was 7.1, and in 2007, 7.4. That statistic reflects that less people are choosing to embrace marriage. Are people tired of investing of themselves without a better rate of return? Are positive role models dying off without passing on the secrets of a happy marriage? Was marriage ever a good idea or just another ritual contrived by humans for ulterior motives? Maybe it really was all about the cake.

It would seem that modern marriage is one of the most illogical actions we choose to undertake, and yet even with declining numbers it is still difficult to book a fabulous venue in June. I know some of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage and one of them, strangely enough is the answer to your real question. “How do I know I trust him?” That is the real question isn’t it? Excellently happy marriages are based in trust and all things flow back to that source or the lack of it.

There is a pervasive expectation that trust is something that we are supposed to give until proven otherwise. If we don’t just GIVE our trust, something must be wrong with us. Along with the fallacy of blind and blanket forgiveness, trust is something that needs to be earned. That does not mean that one starts out mistrusting, it means that one slowly builds on the actions and then the words that are seen and heard. Learning to trust doesn’t mean one is flawed. It means maturely taking in to account actual proof that this person is trustworthy or not. Like reading and writing, the comprehension of what trust actually is and how it is done is a learned skill. Not an innate one, like eating cake.

Darling Jen, Boys and Girls, first I do not believe it is possible to love without trust and there are two kinds of trust tangled together with love. The first is to be able to reveal your true self without fear of rejection. The second is one must feel safe, respected and genuinely cherished by the partner at all times. That may be a tall order to fill these days and maybe that is the reason marriages are declining, which is not a bad thing. For it is always better to have a real diamond, even a tiny one, than a fake.

Have a naughty day!