www.MyExWasAnAss.com

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have just started to date a man that I have known for a few years. During lunch with a friend, the new guy came up in conversation and I was given an ear full about his past. It turns out my friend was his ex-wife’s best friend and knew all the dirt. We have a weekend away planned and after all I heard, I am not sure what to do. I could ask him if it was all true, but won’t he just cover his u-know-what? Is there any point to asking or should I just break it off now?
Lisa L, SANTA BARBARA


Dear Lisa,
Ever make a patchwork quilt out of feathers, bits of old foil and twist ties? I haven’t yet, but I am sure it would be easier than working through this dilemma. The particulars aside, how savvy is it to trust someone else’s experience instead of our own? Isn’t a couple’s prior problems based on the whole not just the parts? Do second chances herald second guessing? Going out on a treacherous limb here, hanging over the alligator filled pond, I will make a motion that it is safer to get the whole dirt and nothing but the dirt from the source. Amen.

In his own way Jay Leno reports actual and factual political crimes and misdemeanors, albeit with an eye for a bit of entertainment. That’s his MO, and we accept what he says couched in such knowledge. “The friend” may be a holy oracle of facts and figures, and then again, maybe not. Pancakes, coins and vinyl albums all have two sides and so do relationships. It may appear so, but underneath the tight wrapping of all relationships, there is not a one that is an exception.
Not only does each side have its own reality, a third party is never going to be a highly sophisticated and completely neutral database. It may only be years away, but as far as I know, there is nothing that enables disgruntled men and women to post their woes on myexwasanass.com along with a picture and profile of the misanthrope in question. Becoming informed by a well-meaning friend might be dodging a bullet and it might mean missing a big piece of your personal life puzzle.

As messy as it may sound, there is only one clean option here. Be transparent and lay the dirt down so he can take a look at it too. Be open to his response and listen to your gut. If it feels like he is dismissing it with a sweep under the rug, he probably is. If he opens up and lets you in on “his side”, listen. You will learn a lot. If he doesn't want to bring the ex- files into your new relationship at this time, I would put my weekend bag away for awhile and slow things way down. Since we knowledge and have empathy for each other through sharing our pasts, the good, the bad and the ugly, most people find sharing the old dirt comes along within the first few dates and is healthy.

Darling Lisa, Boys and Girls, whether we get our information from whosemydate.com, a Ouija Board or the next door neighbor, it must all be tempered by what we see, hear and feel. Preferably in that order! Not the monkey way. See no evil? The recipe for naïve in a bottle. Hear no evil? Knowledge is power. Speak no evil? The truth hurts and as the saying goes, will set you free.
Have a naughty day!