Knights of the Flaming Food Court

A heavy pall hangs over the smoky sky and dirty snow flake-like ashes litter the surrounding countryside and all the objects within it. The forest-fire fallout is long felt and its impact is subtle, like a funeral dirge quietly being played in the background of our thoughts. Like knights of old, the fire fighters measure and gauge the most effective way to manage the fire-breathing dragon crawling up the hillsides. The most experienced of all know that a fire, as harsh as it may be, is a natural cleansing, which without, the forest could not experience re-growth.

It is the same within the framework of intimate relationships. There are times when the fire consumes not acres, but energy and piece of mind. When the sheer exhaustion of putting out flames, looking to burn and ignite anything as often as possible, is as much of a challenge as saving a house. In fact, sometimes the house that is our relationship is exactly what we need to decide to save. How does one know when to let it burn to the ground, so that one can rebuild a better life - or when to call in the big trucks with sirens blaring that help is on the way?

If a fire is slowly smoldering in your relationship, it means that something needs to be done. It might be a big splash of cold water in the face of reality or maybe a clear and open conversation about what isn’t being said. Regardless of size or type of material burning, “fires” respond to direct action. You can’t look the other way and hope that they go out. In fact, looking anywhere but directly into the flames is a sure way to make them burn even faster and brighter.

A highly flammable but very common material, excellent for producing maximum smoke is the Unsaid. We are all too often afraid that honesty will put out the good kind of fire, when just the opposite is true. The unsaid is like gasoline-soaked brush heaped behind a cardboard house. The slightest and smallest spark will be able to cause havoc and burn it all to the ground. If your focus is on being afraid of hurting someone’s feelings at the expense of your own, are you not actually hurting someone (and yourself) more when you don’t disclose what you feel you really need to? Isn’t that fear of reality the same thing as lying?

This is where “The Quiz” comes in. Because if you have the “smoke alarm” of correct quiz answers in place you will be able to come out of the occasional burning building unscathed (or maybe with just a slight singeing). If you don’t, it’s time for a complete fire drill, because you are going to face the real thing - sooner than later.

1. Do you admire your partner? And why shouldn’t you have adoration, affection, applause, appreciation, approbation, approval, deference, delight, esteem, estimation, favor, fondness, glorification, homage, honor, idolatry, idolization, liking, love, marveling, obeisance, pleasure, praise, recognition, regard, reverence, valuing, veneration, wonder, wonderment, and worship. You chose this amazing person, didn’t you? And if you chose correctly, this person lives up to your standards and values.

2. Do you respect the daily choices that your partner makes? Choices go back to the basics - fundamentals that tell the world who we are, instead of the world telling us. Lemon or strawberry yogurt as a preference isn’t important, but how someone reacts when the last yogurt is eaten does. What do you think should happen when two flights are delays, sleep isn’t a possibility and the airport food court won’t be open for seven hours? It shouldn’t really be such a big deal – and if it is, why did your partner choose to make it so?

3. On a scale of 1-9, nine being the worst, is there anything that your partner does that rates under a 3? Great! That’s what you want! No one is perfect and perfect is just a myth, so no one could be it anyway. It is the idiosyncrasies and the charming character “defects” that make someone your one-and-only, because they really are a one-and-only. It is part and parcel of being human but the way we react to these differences is what matters, not the differences themselves.

Have you discussed with your partner your answers to the above questions?

Miss Kitty hopes that this was a good appetizer for a really full plate of conversation. If you didn’t feel you wanted to, or couldn’t talk about any or all of this, that is a clear heads up - that there’s smoke in the air. And you know what they say: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

Have a naughty day!