An emotional pre-nup

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am getting married in few months and although I love my husband to be, I am not blind to the fact that over half of marriages end in divorce. Is there anything I can do to improve the odds?
Traci, SANTA BARBARA

Dear Traci,
With the bombardment of celebrity faux pas, divorce attorneys advertising gift with purchase, and the actual statistics being on the kind side, there is reason to worry. So how do you feel confident when entering into the spiritual, emotional and business contract otherwise known as marriage? Is it possible to stack the deck? Isn’t love enough? When it comes to a successful marriage, love alone is never enough.

We live in a world of rules and regulations since apparently humans haven’t evolved to a state where we can police ourselves. “No shirt-no service”, “video surveillance in use on these premises”, “click it or ticketl” - it doesn’t seem to stop does it? And yet, jails are as full as a free Carnival cruise and saving a receipt for a wedding gift is as prudent as checking a lovers email account.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks to happily-ever-after is that “happy” is hinged on little more than promises of good behavior while in the throes of pre-marital bliss. Given that table cloth colors have topped world events as a dinner table subject this is not a time when reason is prevailing. There is everything right about planning a wedding with the one you love, but unfortunately only a smidgen of real thinking goes into planning the marriage. It’s the thing that comes after the colored table cloths – and is supposed to last a lifetime.

I apologize if I sound harsh and perhaps even a bit brittle. I have written countless columns on trust or rather the lack of it, all because a large percentage of people just don’t understand, value or implement the concept. If nothing else, marriage is the ultimate proving ground for trust or the lack of it. That being said, it is possible to mitigate - if not profoundly alter - the possible outcome of “I do” into something that will last longer than a garter toss.

Written contracts are widely used and have great value. You can’t buy a house, adopt a dog, or rent a car without one. They clearly state values, boundaries and consequences. Marriage vows seem to be missing the last two concepts. In this day and age is anyone so naïve to think “it won’t happen to me?’ Are we paralyzed by passion into thinking it is unreasonable to be business-like about what is essentially a lifelong business? A traditional marriage value is until death us do part. The modern translation is to stick it out as long as it isn’t too much work. Are you willing to stay if your partner strays? What if an undiscovered addiction is brought to light? What if your husband is really a Labrador in disguise?
If there was a written contract in place that said, I value blank and if that boundary is crossed, I will blank, both partners know upfront what is acceptable and what is not. What will transpire if need be. One of the major benefits is that the wronged party will not be placed in a position of “being the bad guy” which so often happens during a break up.

Darling Traci, Boys and Girls, think of it as an emotional pre-nup. It enables both parties to clarify to each other and themselves what they hold dear (other than each other) and takes a very serious commitment into the thinking realm. Love conquers all, but not always in the most obvious sense. Sometimes love takes away what we hold personally precious and that is nothing to say “I do” for, without reasonable assurance of minimum risk.
Have a naughty day!