Worth the Risk

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a woman whose company I really enjoy. I would like to know her intention regarding a possible intimate relationship, but don’t want to scare her off. On the other hand, I would be perfectly content just being friends. I like to be upfront - so should I say something and if so, when would be a good time? Or should I just leave it alone?
S. L, GOLETA


Dear S,
When humans discovered fire, they no doubt experienced all the characteristics of fire within a very short time frame: bright, warm, hot, very hot, combustion and ouch. They quickly learned fires nature was both warm and soothing along with dangerous and deadly. Fire, handled without care, can really hurt, even accidentally. Apparently not much has changed in the last million years since we still have not learned to judge heat without taking a risk. So how fast can you turn temperate to scorching without getting singed? Should a potential lover be put on the back burner, just in case the friendship melts in the heat of the moment? Is it worth the risk of losing a cool friend to look for a hot lover?

Cultivating a friendship with someone who under some circumstances might become an intimate relationship can be tricky. The potential interest might have all the possible attributes to be an exciting and interesting friend but could also have the desired components of a splendid lover. The hard reality is that often you can't have both at the same time, so in a situation where the possibility is merging with the potential, at what point can you take Que Sara Sara to the bank? Because we all know, if there is too much heat before establishing the friendship, the friendship will flicker and extinguish itself. Poof!

History is a constant reminder that it really has all been done before. And that is a good thing because we can lean from the past to prop up our present when we need it. Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC) wrote on the aspect of Friendship: "We put the cart before the horse, and shut the stable door when the steed is stolen, in defiance of the old proverb." In other words, “The order in which we choose to structure a relationship is a huge component in the eventual desired outcome”. Miss Kitty (1963 AD - ). Nothing is as random as it seems - especially when it comes to relationships.

Therefore a conversation, a gentle one, without expectations is definitely in order. A heads up here for the “what’s on the lung is on the tongue” folks - there is no need to mention marriage and or other living arrangements, even if such fantasies are whirling through your head. That is just too much information for the present and will scare most people off. The main purpose in testing the waters at this point is that waiting too long for some splendor in the grass, and the Potential Princess or Prince Charming might become confused and seek romantic solace elsewhere. What a conundrum, since if one allows the friendship to take as much time as it takes to mature and spark serious meaning, a friendship might be all that smolders.

Not that there is anything amiss with a having a good platonic friend. A great friendship is far more complex than a tumble that goes nowhere. It takes common interests, common or compatible beliefs, and real in depth appreciation of the friends life style, and the mutual ability to let small differences not get in the way of the friendship. In fact, that last little gem is actually one of the secrets of a long-burning and lusty love.

Contrary to popular belief, we have grown beyond some of the differences between the sexes. The ideas that men want sex in order to become "friends" and women want to be a friend first then sex later are passé. Once upon a time this idea had deep roots in our human development. But if we can pretend that Tofu can taste like chicken, we can purport that the rules of engagement have been evened out in the last 30 or so years.

Darling S, Boys and Girls, like spontaneous combustion, it can take only a quick moment to find a great lover - but it can take a lifetime to find a great friend. It is easy to confuse the two as often we see in one what we want for the other. That being said, a good friend usually can hear and see with a clarity that a love-only interest can’t even begin to. Therefore, it is worth the risk to venture forth with a kiss on your mind and honest words on your tongue. Not the other way around!
Have a naughty day!